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The good thing about Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz working for OWCA now: The level of tech and abilities in the agency has skyrocketed thanks to his engineering genius, and thanks to his patents bringing in a significant amount of money, everybody’s paychecks have gotten a little better.
The less good thing about Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz working for OWCA now: The fact that since he’s the best techie and Perry is the best agent, he ends up being the voice in Perry’s earpiece most of the time. Which wouldn’t be such a bad thing if a) he would shut up once in a while, and b) he wasn’t so damn smug about being the best engineer OWCA has ever had in its tech department.
Of course, there’s also c) Perry has a massive crush on him and it’s kind of distracting for him to go all blushy-blushy when Doofenshmirtz starts rambling about something, which is weirdly cute, and, oh hell. Perry likes him and he’s terrible about acknowledging his feelings.
The fact that Doofenshmirtz isn’t evil anymore is possibly worse than when he was evil. Before, Perry at least had the comfort of we’re nemeses, it’s impossible between him and his crush. Now, it’s possible for them to be actually dating. Honestly, Doofenshmirtz is one of the few people that would be practical for him to date. (It’s very hard to date anyone who isn’t involved with the agency. They just never quite get it.)
Still. Perry is a professional, and while he’s on the job, there will be no acknowledgement of his romantic feelings whatsoever. (Or regular feelings, but that’s just part of being a secret agent.) No giggling, no flirting back, no unnecessary touches. Nothing that could possibly give it away.
So while he’s sitting in the rafters of a barn, waiting for a cattle rancher with fingers in some shady pies to come back, he has to listen to Heinz jabber on and on about whatever comes to mind.
Today seems to be a combination of a coolant problem he’s been having on a new piece of gear, the stack of old tech in the basement he’s been making a dent in, and German swearing at something in front of him. Probably code, if Perry had to guess. The one part of designing things that he has actual trouble with.
It must be a rather difficult coding problem, based on the swears. But Perry has nothing better to do- watching the barn cats chase mice is fun for about the first ten minutes, and he’s been up here for three hours- so he listens more than he usually would.
“If only Perry were here,” Heinz says, almost under his breath. “Talking to him always helps.”
Ah. Heinz must not realize that Perry is actually listening to him. And Perry can’t even actually tell Heinz that his microphone is unmuted- so he just has to listen and hope nothing weird slips out.
“I miss him,” Heinz says with a wistful sigh. “He’s just so...nice. I wish I could see him more often. Maybe I should start scheming again, just so he has to come and thwart me.”
That’s a bad idea. Although, if Heinz wanted Perry to hang out more, all he had to do was ask. He can come do paperwork in the labs in the basement just as well as he can do it at his desk.
Maybe he’ll start doing that. He does miss having Heinz around.
“And he’s really cute,” Heinz says, almost dreamily. “Maybe I shouldn’t start scheming again, I’d just get distracted by him. Again.”
So much for hoping nothing weird comes out. If Perry were blushing any harder, the wooden beams around him would be aflame.
“I mean, I’d do it if it meant seeing him in that field suit more. They all complain about how bad they are” -which is true, the combination of tight and kevlar means that if your physique changes one millimeter after your fitting, it’s dreadfully uncomfortable- “but mmm he looks good in it.”
Another dreamy sigh. Objectively, yes, Perry knows that he’s decently attractive. But to hear it from the guy he likes? (The fact that he’s wearing the stupid thing makes it even worse. Better? Worse.) Heinz seriously has no idea that Perry is hearing this, and it makes Perry’s gut wrench to know that he shouldn’t be hearing this.
“Oh, nevermind that. It’s not like he’ll like me back anyway.”
Wait a second. Like me back. Oh shit. Perry’s thoughts race at a million miles per hour. He likes Perry. And he thinks that Perry doesn’t like him back.
There’s just one fatal flaw with that, and that is the fact that Perry does in fact really like Heinz. A lot.
“I mean, I could just ask him, y’know, ask him out, but that would be weird and I’d probably screw up. I always do.”
No he doesn’t! He’s a perfectly capable guy, and when he doesn’t try far too hard to impress people, he does amazing things. He just tries too hard to be someone he can’t be sometimes. First to be a good son, then to be evil, and now, to be likable.
What he never realizes is that Perry likes him for exactly who he is. Cliche for sure, but some cliches are there for a reason.
Perry likes him. That’s it, end of story.
“Maybe I should practice. He’ll still let me down, but at least I won’t look stupid.”
Oh god. This is really flattering, honestly, but it feels so wrong.
And the fact that Heinz starts off with terrible pickup lines is even worse. He groans internally at each one, despite how much they put butterflies in his stomach, knowing that they’re all for him.
“No, no, no, none of these are right,” Heinz says after a little while. He’s right- none of these sound really authentic to him. “Maybe I should just- PerryIreallylikeyouwillyougooutwithme?” he asks all in one breath, sighing after he spits it out. “Like that. I guess.”
If only Perry could speak right now. If only he could tell Heinz how much he means to him. If only...!
A door creaks somewhere in the background. “Hey there, Dr. Doofenshmirtz,” Carl says, with a sound like he’s sitting in a chair. “Oh, you’ve got this unmuted. What’s up, Agent P?”
“Wait- it wasn’t muted?” Doofenshmirtz says, panic clear in his voice.
“Uh, yeah?” Carl says. “That light comes on when you’ve got the microphone on. And it’s on right now.”
“I- I gotta go now,” Doofenshmitz says, voice rising at the end, and cuts off suddenly. The line goes silent.
“That was weird,” Carl says after a moment. “Any idea what that was all about?”
Perry drops his head into his hands. He knew that wasn’t on purpose, but still- he’s running away.
Look, he’d have told Heinz earlier if he could have, okay? It’s just hard to tell him when he's sitting up in these rafters, having to be quiet, and oh yeah, he can’t speak.
This is a goddamn nightmare.
Well, there’s nothing to do about it but to stay on watch and wait. And wait, and wait.
Until the farmer comes in. Perry shimmies down the nearest beam, creeps across the floor, and almost clocks the guy from behind with one punch.
He isn’t knocked out right away, so they get into a fistfight that lasts approximately thirty seconds before Perry does knock the guy out.
It helps that criminals rarely have formal training, and that Perry has been in a lot of fistfights in his career. Enough to know exactly where, how, and when to block or strike so that the bad guy goes down and he doesn’t even break a sweat.
Not super fair, but neither is what this guy has done.
The mission done, he cuffs the farmer and drags him into the back of his hovercar for later questioning and headquarters.
(And then he goes back and feeds the cows, making a mental note to anonymously contact one of the farmer’s not-criminal neighbors about the farmer’s current...inability to care for his animals. He’s not completely heartless.)
Boring mission, that’s for sure. Except for the whole thing with Heinz. That was...weird. But other than that, he can just go back to Danville like nothing happened.
Half an hour later, he’s dropped off the now-awake farmer, already mentally putting off the paperwork.
What? It’s boring. And besides, he’s got better things to do right now.
After changing into something that isn’t half Kevlar, he decides to go find Heinz and clear some things up.
Like, oh, the fact that he does want to be in a relationship with Heinz.
See, he’s great at communicating if he actually gets the chance to do it. (Which is an entire rant he could go on...not now. Focus, Perry, focus.) So he takes the stairs down into the lab area.
Which is, because Heinz is in charge, a complete and utter labyrinth of chaos. Spare parts everywhere, blueprints piled on top of prototypes on top of desks that look about two ounces more away from collapsing.
Heinz’s office is in the back. It’s unmarked, but it’s the one with the most chaos around it, so it’s gotta be his, right?
Perry knocks, but when he gets no response, he just opens the door. Heinz is at his desk, even though Perry can only see the very top of his head over the stacks of papers and random metal bits that he’s built in a fort around him.
“Go away,” Heinz mumbles, sinking down further. “I’m wallowing.”
Instead of going away, Perry picks up one of the stacks of paper, the one right in front of Heinz, and drops it on the floor with a thump.
“Perry the Platypus?” Heinz asks, head snapping up. “Wh-why are you here?”
Because of earlier, Perry signs.
“Oh. You came down here to let me down gently, huh?”
He’s clueless. Why does Perry like him again?
No, the opposite, actually.
“You came down here because you want a restraining order?”
Perry’s eyes go wide. No! Of course not! I came down here to tell you that I like you back.
“Nice joke,” Heinz grumbles, looking back down at whatever he’s working on. “Now leave me alone.”
This is going nowhere. Well, there’s one thing left for him to try, and if Heinz doesn’t get this, then there’s kind of no point and he might as well go home and cry.
Perry yanks Heinz forwards by his collar over the desk and kisses him. Precarious piles of stuff fall down around them, but Perry doesn’t care.
Heinz squeaks in surprise, but other than that, there’s no protest out of him. In fact, he melts right into the kiss.
Now do you believe me? Perry asks when they part.
“I don’t know,” Heinz says, a slightly-shocked smile slowly spreading across his face. “Might have to run another trial. For...scientific accuracy, of course.”
Perry laughs, and does exactly that.
Fast forward to three months later, to a similar stakeout-type mission, and Heinz won’t shut up on comms again.
Perry’s winding his way through a maze of an office building in India, Heinz following through security camera footage back in Danville.
This time, though, he shamelessly flirts with Perry while giving him directions. And it feels great, especially when Carl or one of the interns in the tech department briefly pops in to make faux-retching noises. This must be what it’s like embarrassing your kids- it’s very fun, by the way.
Perry doesn’t even hesitate to flirt back, Heinz having upgraded his hat with a couple of pinhole cameras that translate his signs into text messages. The AI is still being ironed out- some of the mis-translations are hilarious- but it’s good enough to flirt with.
Besides, if he wraps this up in the next two hours, he’ll be back in time for date night. And that’s always fun.
So maybe it’s nice that Heinz never shuts up. Because if he hadn’t run his mouth, then Perry wouldn’t be here, listening to him flirting on purpose. And that wouldn’t be any fun at all.