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Out of all the phone calls Tony expected to get, Ned's frantic call about Peter Parker being drunk was at the bottom of his list.
When Tony’s phone rang and Peter’s name came up, he answered with his usual. “Hey, kid.”
But was greeted with something very unusual. “Mr. Stark?” Ned squeaked. It was almost impossible to hear him, there was a lot of sound going on in the background, he was pretty sure he could hear Peter talking too.
“What's going on?” Tony asked, already alarmed. Peter wasn’t out patrolling tonight, he vaguely remembered Peter mentioning going out somewhere with Ned. The two of them rarely got into trouble together, so Tony hadn’t been too worried about knowing all the details.
“Um,” Ned said and then Peter’s voice rang loud and clear.
“TONNNNNY STAAAAAAAAAR!” he shouted, so loud Tony had to pull the phone away from his ear.
“Yeah, Pete, I called him, okay?” Ned hissed at him. “Will you please just sit down for a minute? Please? Come on, Peter, come on dude,” Ned rambled on, as Peter continued to shout at him.
Something clicked in Tony’s head immediately. “Is he drunk?”
“Um,” Ned repeated. “Kinda? Uh, we’re at um, a party and I swear Mr. Stark, we just had one drink each and then, I don’t know but something’s wrong.”
Sighing Tony messaged the bridge of his nose with his hand. “Call May.”
“Peter said he'd rather call you, Mr. Stark.”
And that was surprising, he figured May would be the one who’d be less angry with him. But Tony sighed. “Okay, tell me where you are and I’ll come to get you two.”
Peter shouted in the background again, something Tony didn’t understand followed by a loud crashing sound.
“PETER!” Ned bellowed. “Shit, okay I’ll text them to you, Peter just ran out the door, have to catch him bye,” Ned said in a hurry before the phone hung up.
“Teenagers,” Tony muttered.
-
Almost an hour later, Happy pulled up to a large brownstone in a very rich neighborhood. “Wonder whose house this is,” Happy said casually.
Tony shrugged. “Keep the engine running, I’m grabbing the kids and we’re getting out of here.”
Tony only had to walk up the path leading to the house before Peter made his presence known. Barreling out of the house, Peter missed the first front porch step, sending himself tumbling down in a mess of arms and legs.
“Shit,” Tony mumbled, picking up his pace, but Peter was back up on his feet by the time he got there. Ned was close behind, able to take the stairs on his own.
“TONY!” Peter shouted, his voice incredibly loud and hoarse. He stumbled forward, arms and legs completely uncoordinated. “YOUU CAAMEEE,” he slurred.
Tony had never seen Peter anything but graceful. The spider bite had bestowed upon him perfect balance and coordinator. This, in front of him, was not that Peter. The kid’s face was bright red and even from a few feet away, Tony could smell the alcohol on him.
It looked as if he couldn’t even stay still for a second, his arms waving, legs shaking, body swaying. He was even nodding his head, mumbling something Tony couldn’t hear. He turned at the sound of Ned’s voice and threw his arms in the air. “NED!” He started toward his best friend, who immediately tried to stop him.
“No, Pete, stay where you are, okay?” Ned asked, then looked over to Tony. “Sorry, he’s um, not able to stay upright really easily or like to walk. He’s been crashing into things.”
Unfourentily, Tony was very familiar with this kind of drunk and for some reason, seeing his kid like this triggered anger more than sympathy. Peter had to have had a lot of alcohol to end up like this.
Tony took several deep breaths, trying to reign in his anger and concern. Peter was a good kid, he should have known better than this. Tony knew he was juggling a lot, between school and superhero duties, the kid was always on the move, always ready and willing to do what he could. That takes a toll on you, Tony knew from experience, and he had just hoped Peter wouldn’t turn to the same vices Tony had.
But, Peter was a teenager, and sometimes they rebel, even the good ones.
Despite Ned’s request, Peter continued towards him, Ned barely had enough time to get to the bottom step and brace himself, before Peter barreled into him. A few people from the party came out, laughing at the sight but didn’t pay anyone else much mind.
Tony was in incognito mode and he figured drunk teenagers might not believe their eyes even if they did recognize him.
Ned held onto Peter, who seemed unable to support his weight, basically pulling his best friend closer to where Tony stood. Once they were close, Peter detached himself and this time flung himself towards Tony instead.
“TONNNNNYYYY!,” he shouted, seemingly unable to keep his voice at a normal sound.
“Shhh, remember Peter, inside voice,” Ned said like he was speaking to a toddler. Peter tried to stand up straight but failed to and Ned ended up passing him over to Tony like he was a toddler.
“Jesus, kid, you smell like all the mistakes I made visiting Tijuana when I was 18.”
“Nooo,” Peter slurred at a much lower sound, although still a little too loud. “I’m not druunnkkkkk.”
Tony looked over at Ned. “How much did he have?”
“Uh, I don’t know Mr. Stark. I swear, we had one drink each and at first, everything was fine. But then uh, Peter went to the bathroom, he was gone for like 5 minutes but when he came back…” Ned gestured towards Peter, who was leaning heavily into Tony’s side, head laying on his shoulder. “He was like this.”
“Nooo,” Peter said again. “Noo drinkin’ Missser Staaark.”
“Peter,” Tony said, losing his patience, slowly. “Don’t lie, kid. I know you’ve been drinking, it’s already too late and I’ll be telling May about this in the morning.”
“NO!” Peter shouted, pushing off Tony to stand on his own. “YOU’RE MEAN!”
He crossed his arms over his chest, seemingly out. “Mean?” Tony echoed. “I just came out here to pick you up from a party when you’re drunk. I could have called May and had her come get you.”
“NO!” Peter shouted once more and he turned on his heels, stumbling back towards the house.
“Pete!” Ned shouted, looking at Mr. Stark. “Sorry, he’s just all over the place. He begged me to call you but he didn’t want to leave the house. He’s out of control and I don’t know what to do.”
Peter was already on the go, but thankfully his drunken state meant he hadn’t gotten far. “Peter,” Tony called out. “Stop right now. You’re in no condition to be doing anything but getting your butt in the car.”
Peter’s previous shouting had gained the attention of several party-goers and some had started coming outside. A few of them shouted at the trio, and a whole lot more had their phones out, pointed at the scene starting to unfold.
Tony stormed forward, not wanting to make it worse by shouting.
But Peter had other plans. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” he shouted, throwing his hands up in the air.
“What the fucccck Penis?” A voice called out from the crowd and a boy Tony vaguely recognized, came forward, party drink in hand. “Didn’t know you had it in you!”
“FLASH!” Peter shouted, turning on his heels and charging towards the boy. “YOU’RE SO MEAN!”
“Shit,” Tony grumbled, moving forward to try and grab Peter before he could make contact. Why, of all times, did the kid have to stand up to that stupid bully? “Peter, stop it right now.”
“NO!” Peter shouted. “MEANIE FLASH!”
For a second Tony was concerned that something had happened, that maybe this stupid Flash kid poisoned Peter or gave him something but the look on Flash’s face told another story. “What the fuck, Parker?” He shouted, starting to back away from the charging Peter.
Despite his lack of coordination, Peter was still fast and managed to grab onto Flash’s shoulders seconds before Tony got there.
“Ow, fuck, Parker, what the fuck!” Flash shouted as Peter seemed to be hurting him, trying to turn him and walk them both back towards the house.
Tony was on him a second later, grabbing at Peter’s shoulders, and then his arm, to pull the kid off the bully. “Peter, let him go right this instant,” Tony hissed, the crowd at the door began cheering and yelling things. Someone started chanting fight, fight, fight and Tony could only hope that wasn’t about to happen.
A drunk Peter could hurt someone without realizing it.
“Yeah, Parker,” Flash said, sounding a bit tipsy. “Let me the fuck go you freak.”
Tony put pressure on Peter’s arm, hoping not to have to hurt him, but Peter let go of Flash.
“Go,” Tony told the teen, who just rolled his eyes before walking away, less than impressed with what was happening, as he walked back into the house.
“Peter,” Tony said sternly, to the kid who was whining deeply under his breath. “Let’s go, right now.”
“NO!” Peter attempted to rip his arm away but Tony’s grip seemed to be keeping. “LEAAAAVE MEEE ALLLLOONNNEEEEE.”
“Come on Pete,” Ned said, coming next to his friend. “Let Mr. Stark take us home, okay?”
“NO!” Peter said, finally pulling hard enough that Tony let go, but Peter underestimated his strength and went crashing to the ground. “Owww,” he moaned, making an impact. Tony was sure it didn’t actually hurt but drunk people always had to make something big out of everything.
The rowdy crowd seemed to cheer them on, happy some kind of action was taking place. “FRI,” Tony said. “Wipe all of the footage you can, make sure none of this gets on the internet.”
He could stop the photos and videos from going up, but he knew he’d never be able to stop the rumor mill from going off about Tony Stark coming to take a drunk teenager home.
“Come on, get up,” Tony said, losing his patience. He knew this kind of drunk, playful and stupid until the stubbornness took over, and then there was anger. If Peter really got angry, he could hurt both Ned and himself very easily. He couldn’t risk an angry drunk spider kid blowing his identity to a mass of teenagers.
Peter didn’t move from the ground, he just looked up at Tony, his eyes bloodshot. “I’m… I’m... gonna… ugh,” he moaned, hanging his head.
Tony sighed. “Yeah well, that’s your own damn fault, Peter. God, what were you thinking?”
Peter started, gagging slightly, before making a few hoarse coughs. Thankfully nothing came up, instead, he just started wallowing on the floor. Reaching his hand out, he hovered it, waiting for Peter to take it.
“Let’s go, Happy’s waiting.”
Peter might have calmed down enough but that didn’t elevate Tony’s anger completely.
Peter moaned on the ground a little longer, shaking his head. “Can’t.”
“Yes,” Tony said sternly. “You can. If you throw up along the way, we’ll deal with it. Get up.”
Peter looked up at him with his big brown eyes, chin wobbling, tears forming, but god dammit, Tony wasn’t going to just forgive him. He wasn’t his father, but Peter had to get some tough love.
“Ned,” Tony said, “go wait in the car, okay? Tell Happy we're on our way.”
Ned looked torn between staying and listening, but after a minute he nodded and headed toward the end of the driveway. Tony sighed, squatting down to the ground, hovering even with Peter.
“Kid, I know you feel sick but you need to get up and go with me to the car. You’ve got a shit ton of your classmates filming you right now and I’ll be damned if you’re going to make an ass out of me and you.”
“Tony,” Peter whined, tears flowing down his cheeks, his voice was hoarse from all the shouting now. “No, no, no, no, no, please!”
Tony stood and held out his hand. “Come on.”
It took Peter a minute to reach up and let Tony help him back to his feet, but he only lasted a second before his knees buckled completely, sending both himself and Tony back to the ground.
“Dammit,” Tony mumbled, as he landed hard on his knees. “Peter, you’ve got to get your butt up now and stop this.”
“Tony,” Peter said one more time, this time in a very small and desperate voice. He didn’t move and stayed kneeling on the ground. “Please.”
Tony rolled his eyes, knowing damn well that this was the karma he deserved for how much drunken shit he put everything else through. “Nope, come on, I was going to try and give you some dignity to walk on your own but nope. Now you get to be carried away from the party, like a child.”
Tony stood, Peter still kneeling on the ground, tears springing to his eyes. He gave Tony a look, one full of sadness and despair.
And then he turned his head to the side and threw up blood all over the driveway.
Things went very quickly downhill after that. Tony shouted at Ned to hurry and get Happy, watching as he stumbled away, screaming for Happy’s help.
The group of rowdy kids behind them all start panicking, some of them calling 9-1-1, others running away.
And Peter started convulsing on the ground. Not seizures, but instead his limbs jerked around, uncontrollably like he’d been struck by lightning over and over again on an endless loop. There wasn’t much Tony could do, he didn’t want to risk holding the kid down in any way, instead, he was forced to merely watch in horror.
“FRI,” Tony called. “What’s wrong?”
“Unsure, boss. Peter’s vitals are elevated, but I can not tell what’s happening without a blood sample. I advise you to provide him medical attention immediately.”
When Peter finally stopped, he gagged, blood coming from his mouth once more, but this time from having bitten through his bottom lip. This was far worse than alcohol poisoning, wasn’t it? He’d never seen anyone have this kind of reaction, then again, no one else was like Peter. Getting back on the ground, Tony pulled Peter into his lap, fingers pressed against his neck, feeling his skyrocketing pulse.
“I don’t feel so good,” he whined, body limp in Tony’s hold, the energy completely spent. “Tony.”
Happy arrived with Ned in tow a moment later. “What’s wrong?” Happy asked.
“I don’t know,” Tony answered. “He’s puking blood and having convulsions, they just started.”
“Could someone have slipped him something?” Happy asked, looking at Ned.
“No, I don't think so! We weren’t even invited to the party, I was the one who convinced him to come. No one knew we were here and we’d only just got here too.”
“What exactly did you drink? Do you have any of it left?”
“Uh, I don’t know,” Ned said, looking on the verge of full on panic. “It was just that stupid punch thing, everyone had a drink of it. I, I don’t even know. I mean, it tasted a little funny but it wasn’t bad.”
“It’s okay,” Tony said, despite it not being alright at all. Peter wasn’t convulsing anymore, but he could barely keep his eyes open, moaning helplessly on the ground. “Okay, okay, we need to get him back to the Tower, I’m going to fly him there. Can you two go inside and get a sample of what you two drank?”
“Are you sure you should be taking him with the suit?” Happy asked. “What if he has more convulsions?”
Tony had thought of that, but Peter seemed to be losing whatever fight he was having. His body looked like it was giving out, barely able to keep his eyes open. “I know, but this is the fastest way to get there. I’ll call ahead, just, go see if you can find anything that might explain this.”
He got to his knees, bringing Peter up into his arms. “Alright, Pete, this isn’t going to be fun, kiddo but I’m taking you to the Tower. If you can, please try to stick to me.”
With what looked like a great effort, Peter wrapped his hands around Tony’s neck, as he was lifted into a bridal carry. Tony took a second to make sure he was secure enough, before flying off into the cold night’s air.
-
By the time Tony got Peter to the Tower, the kid had passed out. It felt way too much like carrying his kid’s dead body into the hospital, for Tony’s liking. Before Tony was even fully out of the Iron Man suit, Peter was taken into one of the emergency rooms.
When Peter was gone, Tony was immediately questioned by one of the doctors, desperate to figure out what was wrong. He couldn’t give them any answers, besides what he might have had to drink and nothing more. Happy and Ned were on their way with a sample, which would hopefully hold all the answers.
Tony had already called Dr. Cho, hoping she would be able to come in, since she knew a fair amount about Peter’s enchantments. A stroke of luck for Tony, she was in New York and rushed over as soon as she could.
In the meantime, Tony found himself sitting in the small waiting room. He should have known better, he should have known his kid wouldn’t just get that drunk. Sure, Peter might have had a few drinks, but he knew he couldn’t risk being out of control and hurting people. He had jumped to conclusions, so quickly without assessing the situation.
When May arrived 10 minutes later, he was wallowing in self pity still, especially after he had to explain exactly what happened. Surprisingly she wasn’t very mad with him, insisting she would have thought the same thing too.
Dr. Cho arrived at the same time Happy and Ned did, holding an empty water bottle full of the party punch like it was gold. Dr. Cho took it from them, promised she’d be out shortly, and disappeared into Peter’s room, leaving them all alone and worried.
“I’m sorry,” Ned said, looking close to tears. “It was my fault we went to the party. Peter didn’t want to go and I made him.”
“It’s not your fault,” May said, offering Ned a sympathetic looking smile. “You had no way of knowing and whatever happens, we’ll handle it.”
Tony only wished he felt that sure about it. May didn’t have to watch Peter throw up blood and pass out in his arms. The sight was burned into his mind, seeing how helpless and scared Peter looked, how he called out to Tony, who couldn’t do anything to help him.
By the time Dr. Cho came back into the room, Happy had gone to get everyone something to eat.
“He’s stable,” she started with, knowing everyone would want that news first.
The collective sigh that went through the room was evident. “Oh thank God,” May said in a hushed voice.
“He’s currently in an induced coma, for the time being, we had to incubate him, but I have no doubt he’ll be breathing on his own soon.” She looked at the Starkpad in her hands. “The problem seems to be steaming from an increase in the pH level of his blood. He also suffered burns to his esophagus and stomach, which was the cause of the vomiting of blood. Thankfully, Peter’s healing seems to be taking care of the damage to his organs. We can assist with his blood levels returning to normal. His system has pretty much cleared everything out, we’re just monitoring the situation.”
Ned let out a loud squeak. “Was it acid? Should I be worried too?”
“No,” Dr. Cho answered. “We tested the drink and the cup, there was no indication it was acid or poisoned, however, the pH level of the drink tested high. Unfortunately, we aren’t able to figure out what the cause was. Many things could have caused this, or it could even have been some kind of natural reaction when Peter ingested the alcohol.”
Tony sighed in relief. “How can we make sure this isn’t going to happen again with something else?”
“The only way we’ll know for sure is if we find out exactly what was in the drink. We’ve run several tests, but we can’t always narrow down a certain substance. Since Peter has never experienced any reactions to things like lemon juice or other natural acids, it would be my guess it was something he normally wouldn’t be drinking.”
Ned frowned. “No one said anything about what was in the drink. Everyone just called it the special party punch.”
“When you and Peter first drank did either of you have any reaction? Did it taste weird?” Dr. Cho asked.
Ned thought for a second. “Well, I mean, I thought it burned a little and so did Peter, well, he said it burned a lot and that’s why he went upstairs to the bathroom. He didn’t look really good, we thought maybe alcohol just hits him differently because he’s you know, a spider. Mine only burned for a second, but Peter said it was burning the whole time.”
Every adult in the room gave Ned the same look, Tony was the first to start. “And you didn’t think this was relevant to tell us?” He wasn’t trying to be angry, he really wasn’t. Ned was a teenager, he was scared for his best friend but he also needed to understand how bad it was he kept this from them.
“I’m sorry!” Ned shouted, face crumbling up into tears. “I just, I didn’t know what was happening! When he came back he smelled like alcohol, I thought he just drank more, and then he was freaking out, and then he wanted me to call you, and then,” Ned started in one long sentence without breathing. He had to stop and heave in a big breath, as the tears started down his face.
“Ned, sweetie,” May interrupted, moving over to sit next to him. “It’s okay, but can you think of anything else that’s important?”
He shook his head. “Sorry, sorry,” he repeated.
Dr. Cho pressed her lips together. “I think we are dealing with two different factors here. We didn’t know how alcohol would affect Peter, since spiders tend to have toxic reactions. That doesn’t mean Peter can’t consume alcohol but it might hit him quickly until his metabolism can burn through it.”
Pausing, she turned to Tony. “Our best chance at figuring out what his reaction is is to return to the house and find out exactly what was put into the drink.”
Nodding, Tony got up. “I’d love to, actually. I’ve always wanted to pay that Thompson punk a visit.”
-
When Tony came back from his field trip to Eugene Thompson’s house, Peter was already awake and talking. He was sober, all the alcohol was out of his system, his acid levels evening out, and, for the most part, he was back to his normal self. Tony had only been gone an hour, he was surprised to see such a drastic turnout from the kid he brought into the medbay nearly 4 hours ago.
After Tony shared the mystery ingredient with Dr. Cho, she responded with a rolled eye but reiterated that Peter would be fine in a few days, completely recovered. There’d be no ill side effects and the likelihood of Peter coming in contact with the ingredients the same way again, was, well, not all that likely.
Walking into Peter’s room, the kid was sitting crossed legged on the bed, May next to him.
“Hi,” Peter said in a hoarse voice, offering an unsure smile.
“I’ll leave you two to talk,” May said, getting up from her chair, kissing the top of Peter’s head before walking out of the room. Tony had already texted her the news, asking to be the one who told Peter.
Wordless Tony walked over and sat in the empty chair. Peter looked on sheepishly. “Sorry,” Peter added. “I didn’t think this was gonna be uh, that bad.”
“I know,” Tony said, offering a small smile. It really wasn’t Peter’s fault things went haywire, but he still had to maintain a level of well, parentness. “But you’re the one who agreed to drink something that you had no idea what was in it. On top of that, you had no idea what alcohol would do to you in the first place.”
Nodding Peter looked down at his hands. “Honestly,” he said in a light whisper of a voice. “I really didn’t think it would be that bad.”
“Yeah well, as a scientist you should know better than to try experimenting in an unsafe environment.”
Peter shrugged. “Lesson learned, trust me.” He coughed for a few seconds, a wet sounding one that made Tony worry just a little. When he finished Peter just shook his head when Tony tried to hand him water. “I’m fine, sorry.”
“So, I’m assuming May told you that besides alcohol there were secret ingredients to your little party punch.”
“Yeah, which I swear I didn’t know about. Flash just handed us the cups, everyone else was drinking it, so I figured it was safe.”
“Well, that was your third mistake of the night, Pete.”
“Oh, I know,” Peter said, sounding disappointed. “May said whatever it was mixed with the alcohol uh, shut down my internal organs? Which sounds really bad, but Dr. Cho said we’re all good now.”
Tony blanched a little, because yeah, that sounded really terrible. But he’d been assured that Peter was okay now and would be even better by tomorrow morning. Taking his phone out of his pocket, he opened up an app, flicking his fingers across the screen and bringing up a projection.
The video was from Tony’s perspective, a little weird to watch, but he knew Peter would enjoy it.
Peter was silent as the video started, just as the door to Flash’s was opened by Flash himself. It was comical both in person and on the screen, watching the recognition click into Flash’s eyes and face. It was close to 7 in the morning, Tony was frankly surprised he even answered the door.
“Holy shit,” Flash said, voice sounding a little hoarse and maybe a bit drunk still. “Again? Pen-Peter isn’t here anymore.”
“I know,” Tony said, the camera moving forward as he walked into the house, Flash stepping back and slightly out of frame. “I just want to know what you put in this house punch of yours.”
“Nothing,” Flash squeaked, as Tony looked around the house. It was a disaster, things everywhere, a few random teenagers wandering in the background, looking confused.
“Eugene,” Tony said sternly. “You’ve got 5 minutes to spill the beans, or you can kiss getting into any college, goodbye. Hell, I know your Father too, I can very easily send him the videos from last night’s little party.”
The camera moved to look at Flash completely, his face scrunched up. The nonvideo Tony looked at Peter, who looked a little worried.
Flash let out several rambling sentences, none of which were helpful at all. Finally Tony made his way into the kitchen, determined to figure out what was in the punch without Flash. Flash’s voice was in the background, shouting out to him, only coming back into frame when they both arrived in the equally messy kitchen.
“Okay, okay,” Flash said, looking a little green. “So uh, you know, there was this um, TikTok thing.” Flash paused, rubbing the back of his neck. “So uh, yeah, um, there was this thing going around about drinking um, dish soap in your alcohol. It’s supposed to eliminate your hangover.”
“You put dish soap in the punch?” Tony questioned, voice halfway between amused and annoyed.
“Just a little! How was I supposed to know Pe–Peter was so sensitive!”
“Jesus Christ, just show me which you one put in!” Tony said, annoyed, watching as Flash scrambled in the cabinets, to come out holding a bottle of everyday dish soap. The video ended as soon as he had it in his hands.
“I didn’t kill him,” Tony said. “It was close, but he’s fine, or well, I felt him in one piece.”
“I really didn’t know,” Peter croaked out, looking worried. “I wouldn’t have drunk it if I did, I swear. I just, you know, peer pressure and stuff.”
“I know you didn’t, Pete but that was incredibly scary. Just a little bit of dish soap in your system, made your ph balance go off the charts. Which apparently is something else that happens to spiders.”
“Oh,” Peter said with a shrug. “I mean, it makes sense.”
“No,” Tony responded. “Not really, nothing about you and that spider bite makes a lick of sense, but this is what we’re dealing with.”
All Peter could seemingly do was shrug. “At least we know I won’t be drinking dish soap ever again.”
Tony rolled his eyes, settling back into his chair. “Reassuring, really. But this also means you’re not touching alcohol again until you’re 21. Then we’ll figure out what the safe amounts are for you, maybe.”
“You know,” Peter said brightly. “Death by dish soap would have been an interesting way to go if I’m honest. And like, at least it wasn’t the forbidden fruit this time around. This was more like, forbidden bubbly.”
Tony gave him a level glare. “I don’t even know how to begin with this. I can honestly say I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Peter gasped a little. “You’ve never encountered forbidden foods? Oh, Mr. Stark, I have some videos to show you. I mean, you’re gonna hate them because teenagers are really stupid but sometimes their stupid makes for some hilarious stuff.”
Tony looked doubtful, but the elated smile on the kid’s face was enough to make him lean over as Peter grabbed his phone and rambled on.