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It was a good day. A nice day even.
Christmas, the season cheering everyone as well as him. Even if he didn’t really look forward to the festivities themselves at home, the knowledge that he now had his friends to celebrate with made the thought of the traditional rigid, cold dinner seem less bad.
A good part of him knew what was coming the moment Nathalie asked for a minute, though.
The last time she had done so, in that exact same solemn voice, it hadn’t been just a minute.
It had turned into days that seemed to pass him by like hours and seconds that felt like eternities.
It had turned him into a shell of who he used to be for quite some time.
It had been the end of his life as he knew it.
The last time, he had lost his mother in body, and his father in soul.
She had been tactful, concerned about how the news would strike him.
As unaffected as she was supposed to act after Emilie Agreste's supposed disappearance (or death, as only her and Gabriel knew), the empty look Adrien’s eyes had sported for months shattered her heart.
The joyful kid she had seen grow up, destroyed from the inside yet still appearing picture-perfect.
She didn’t know if she could see him like that again.
“Adrien, it’s your father.”
“What is up with my father? Did he cancel dinner again?”
“He…”
For some reason, Adrien didn’t look like anything she had expected. Not worried, not knowing what would come next. Instead, he looked eager to know what she had to say, while also appearing to not have a care in the world. But mixed with all that, frail. Scared.
She took a deep breath.
“Adrien, I need you to be strong. Your father… Your father is not doing well. He had to leave for the hospital urgently this morning.”
She expected to see him break down, cry his heart out already knowing what came next. To ask how much time Gabriel had left, what was going on.
Maybe to find himself unable to speak, processing what he had just heard and wondering why, why did it have to be like that before trying to retreat, to lock everythhing out, including his own feelings..
But he didn’t.
“Guess I should have expected our dinner to get cancelled, huh?”
Nathalie didn't know whether to be concerned or shocked at his response.
“Is… Is it fine if I stay here for today? I don’t really feel like having dinner at the table. Maybe I can call some of my friends up and chat for a bit.”
“Of course. Take as much time as you need.”
That was it?”
She turned around, ready to leave, before stopping on her tracks.
“Adrien?”
“Yes, Nathalie?”
“I know these might be sensitive news to you, to say the least. Even though your father isn’t very fond of us being close, you can count on me. If you need to talk, if you need help, I’ll be around.”
“Thank you.”
“I also think it would be nice if you had dinner with me. If you feel okay, clearly.”
The sound of the door closing brought Plagg out of his hiding spot.
“You aren’t telling her something.”
“I’m being honest.”
“I’ve seen you cry for hours over your mother. This is not how I would have expected you to react, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t either.”
“I’m fine, Plagg. I promise.”
“The last thing I would have expected from you after hearing your father is unwell, knowing your family’s history with illness, is for you to be fine.
“Plagg, it’s nothing,” he replied with a lowkey exasperated sigh.
“That’s not your actual “nothing” tone.”
The Kwami had spent so much time with him by that point it was frankly unsettling how well he knew Adrien.
“I think I’m going to have dinner with Nathalie.”
“If you say so.”
—-
The dinner hadn’t been bad. At all.
He had even been allowed to call his friends while he ate, Nathalie even contributing to the conversation with a few anecdotes from her younger years.
Behind the façade of coldness and stern responses everyone was used to seeing, she was actually really sweet and caring, Adrien discovered.
For the first time, he felt happy during the celebration. For the first time, it felt like he had always heard it should, a time for happiness and love, to share with thoseyou cared about.
For the first time, Adrien didn’t have to worry about keeping his voice to an adequate level. He didn’t feel his entire body tense up and go cold the second he accidentally dropped his fork.
Instead, Nathalie even offered to grab him another one.
She made sure the dinner left out all te ingredients he loathed but Gabriel always made him finish. She didn’t send him disapproving glances when he grabbed multiple pieces of bread at once, seeing it warm and fluffy.
She didn’t scold him for only asking for multiple servings of the pasta.
She even laughed when he accidentally choked for a few seconds on the bread.
Before rushing to help him.
He felt truly happy.
He hadn’t felt like that at a Christmas dinner before.
What was more, he was even eager for the next one.
Plagg interrupted his thoughts. “Did you grab any cheese for me?”
“Yes! Nathalie even let me grab some bread, as long as I didn’t leave many crumbs lying around.”
“Wow, you really are doing just fine.”
That… that was true. He was fine, not even a lie anyomore.
What changed?
What had made that Christmas so different?
Adrien realized with a sudden look of horror.
The best day of his life so far, had been the first one without his father.
“Plagg?”
“What’s up?”
“I don’t think I should be enjoying myself this much with Father at the hospital. For all I know, I could even not see him again.”
“How do you feel about it?”
“I don’t like this.”
“Weren't you having the best day of your life a few minutes ago?”
“No, I mean exactly that. I don’t like that the happiest I’ve ever been is the day he could be dying.
Plagg styaed silent for a few seconds. Adrien didn’t sound finished.
“I don’t know if I like that I just thought it would maybe not be so bad if he never came back.”
His heart was pounding, his head throbbing with the realization.
He repeated in a whisper.
I wouldn’t mind if he never came back.
His head was spinning. Did that make him a bad person? His muscles tensed up, not allowing him to move an inch.
Plagg noticed tiny cries of distress as he curled up into a ball.
“Plagg, he could be . And yet here I am, thinking it would be perfect if I never saw him again.”
Saying it out loud didn’t really help. He felt guilty, the sensation creeping over him like dozens of slimy, cold snakes that threatened to kill him if not retrieved in time. His stomach was already burning with the built in tension and extra acid being produced inside him, ready to be expelled.
Plagg didn’t really know what to do.
Especially since he agreed. The past few hours without Gabriel, it had been the happiest he had ever seen his holder be. He hadn’t seen him be so free, so filled with joy and surrounded by love as Adrien.
He had seen it, though, in Chat Noir.
The side of the boy that was not bound to his father, who wasn’t under oconstant vigilance and in constant fear of disappointing Gabriel.
Maybe that was the thing.
“I don’t see why you should feel more guilty than you do right now.”
Adrien’s sobs, muffled by the pillows beside him, didn’t stop.
“I would even dare say you should be allowed to not feel bad. At all.”
The cries barely slowed down, yet his body released some tension.
“Honestly, If you say you wouldn’t mind if he never came back, by itself, could raise some questions. You are way too good natured, kid. Your father has put you aside for ages. I’ve seen you try to hide how affected you are by him cancelling dinners than actually eating with him. I’ve heard him criticize you far more times than even wishing you a good day, not even going into compliments.”
Adrien’s breaths turned slower, even if he was still frozen in place.
“You are not a bad person for wishing more days in which you can be happy. You shouldn't even have to wish for them.”
Those words finally managed to make their way into his mind.
“But…”
"No one is going to hurt you for what you feel right now. You are safe." The Kwami took a few moments.
"You deserve to be happy, kid.”