Chapter Text
It had been a long day. It was a sea day, meaning a whole day with Chip alone with his thoughts. Chip's thoughts have never been kind to him, especially ever since Gillion drew that card. It felt hopeless. Gillion had just spoken with him about his confidence and self worth, yet just a few days later he was back to where he was before. And after a day of nothing happening; no one talking to him, he had hit a pretty big low.
Chip was never one to quit, but the stress became 10 times more than his ego. He was at a point where he didn’t just want to stop these thoughts, he wanted to stop thinking entirely. And in that moment, at around midnight, Chip remembered that Alphonse goes dormant until morning.
Chip quietly began to climb to the top deck, and low and behold a deactivated Alphonse. Chip turned his head to the end of the ship. The thought appeared quick, intuitively making its way through his brain to become the loudest thing in his head.
“What if I jumped?”
Chip slowly made his way to the edge. He noticed how fast they were going, and felt the icey flecks of sea water hitting his face. If the fall didn’t do it, then the shock from the ice water would knock him cold, letting the ocean pull him to the depths. Chip gulped looking at the white sea foam trail in front of him. Just thinking about it made a pit in his stomach. Yet slowly but surely he began to take off his shoes.
While his body was repulsing this sight, nothing in his brain was telling him to stop. It’d be best for everyone. Gillion won’t feel guilty. Jay will have peace and quiet. Ollie can forget him easier. Lizzie can have the title of youngest survivor of the Black Rose Pirates. And he, well Chip would finally be a good person, by doing everyone a favor. Chip's eyes became cloudy as he climbed onto the railing.
He glanced forward at the dark ocean and bright stars that reflected in it. What a sight to see right before you die. He felt streams of water hit his face, unsure if it was ocean water or tears. A bittersweet smile crept onto his face as he lifted one foot.
“I hope you don’t mind.”
Chip frantically placed his foot back on the rail and looked behind, furiously wiping his cheeks. Standing there, carrying what looked to be a blanket and other trinkets, was his co-captain, Gillion Tidestrider.
Gillion continues, “I saw you sneak up to look at the stars, so I was hoping I could join you.”
“Uh,” Chip was at a loss for words. As if pulled back into reality, the freezing feeling of the night came into his senses. He sniffled. “Sure, why not? It’s a free country.”
“Actually Chip, it’s not.” Gillion said, placing the bundle of stuff next to Chip’s shoes and vaulting over the rail to sit on it. “That’s why we must make it so.”
“Whatever you say, Gill.” Chip felt a chill down his back as he sat down on the rails. “Can you give me one of those blankets? It’s fucking freezing.”
Gillion held up one of the blankets and Chip quickly swiped it and covered his shoulders.
“Thanks.” Chip said dryly. He looked to Gill to examine his expression. Just his regular smile and posture. It was safe to say that Gillion had no idea what Chip was doing. And as they sat there in silence, he began to wonder if he knew what he was doing either. He felt almost embarrassed, being caught at his breaking point.
Finally, Gill broke the silence. “So what’s up? You’re never this quiet.”
Chip shrugged. “I don’t know. Tired, I guess? It’s been a day.”
Gillion scrunched his eyebrows together. “Since what?”
Chip gave a confused look. “Huh? Oh, it’s an expression. It means I had a rough day.”
“Oh.” Gill looked content for a second until realization hit him. “Oh! You did? How so?”
“Eh,” Chip shrugged again, “lazy days just seem to get me down.”
“Really?” Gillion asked. “Why’s that?”
“Doing nothing gets me thinking.”
Gillion chuckled. “Chip? Thinking? Thought I’d never see the day.”
Chip gave a saddened laugh as he put on a smile. As long as Gill didn’t realize anything was REALLY wrong, he’d be fine.
“So what about you?” Chip asked, hoping to change the subject. “Anything on your mind?”
Gillion sighed. “The usual. Destiny. Dugon. The fact that we drove away Felipe and the overwhelming fear that it’s all my fault.” a comical smile appeared on his face.
Chip exhaled awkwardly. “You wanna talk about it?”
Gillion turned his head to the sky. “I’d rather just look at the stars.”
With that, Chip fell silent as he looked up as well. The stars were beautiful. Shining constellations stretched every corner. Each light twinkled in its own choreography, creating a world of dancing color. Arlin used to say the stars looked beautiful in the northern sea, and boy was he right. The spectacle in front of him would be a beautiful sight to die to.
Right. Dying. He came up here to die. That pit feeling reappeared in his stomach as he moved his head to the ocean. Its roaring currents flooded his ears. Along with it, his intrusive thoughts bleeding its way through.
“I’m a bastard. A burden. A waste of air. Everything I do, I do it wrong. They only keep me around cause they pity me. Everything bad that’s happened, it’s because of me. It’s me. It’s all me.”
“It’s all my fault.”
“What did you say, Chip?”
Shit, he must’ve said that one out loud. “Uh, I said it’s not your fault.”
Gillion cocked his head. “What do you mean?”
Chip shifted in his seat. “I mean you shouldn’t beat yourself up for it. What’s done is done, and there’s no going back to change it. All we can do is figure out how to fix it.”
“I figured out how to fix it,” Gillion said, “but you didn’t like my solution.”
Chip put a hand on Gillion’s shoulder. “I mean figure out how to fix it without you getting hurt. I’m not willing to risk that.”
“But I am!” Gillion said helplessly.
Chip gave a sad smile. “Well, you shouldn’t be.”
Gillion crossed his arms. “How can you be so sure that everything that’s gone wrong recently isn’t a direct result of my actions?”
“Because I know you, Gill.” Chip attempted a sincere look.
Gillion broke their gaze frustratingly. “You’re wrong, Chip. Felipe is gone because of me. We all know that.”
Chip was already emotional, and trying to hide it wasn’t helping. “Well blaming yourself for everything isn’t going to help, so either get over yourself or get it over with!”
Gillion jolted at the sudden anger, which made Chip soften.
“I’m sorry,” Chip said in a breathy tone, “I didn’t mean that. Like I said, it’s been a day.”
Gillion stared at Chip, examining his body language. “Why is a day with your thoughts bad for you?”
Shit. Chip forgot how much better Gillion had gotten at reading situations. He felt the tension build up as he pursed his lips tightly.
Chip sighed, placing his hands on his thighs. “Cause it makes me think of things I try to avoid. You. Jay. Ollie.” He grips his pants. “Arlin.”
“You don’t want to think about Jay and I?” Gillion questioned.
“I don’t want to think about what I’ve done to you.” The roaring of the ocean grew louder in his ears. “How I’ve hurt you. How I’ve hurt this entire crew. It’s tourtue, Gill. Being alone with those thoughts. Especially when you know that they’re true. That it’s not just some inner monologue, but that you have proof and examples of you being the problem. And the more you think about it, the more you hate yourself more and more.”
“Do you hate yourself, Chip?” The question seemed to even silence the ocean.
Chip's vision became cloudy. “I don’t know, man. I don’t know.”
The ship went silent. Chip just stared into the black ocean. He felt Gillion’s eyes on him. A mixture of shame and regret floated around his stomach. He hated this. He hated pity. It just made the thoughts get worse.
“Now look at what I did. Made the conversation all about me. I can’t even be there for Gill without inserting my own problems. How could a person be so selfish? Especially after everything I’ve done.”
“Chip.” Gillion spoke softly, placing a hand on Chip’s shoulder.
Chip jumped at the touch. “Stop. This isn’t about me. We were talking about you. You’re the one who’s getting physically hurt.”
Gillion stopped for a moment, lost in thought. “Well there’s our problem, Chip. We’re both hypocrites.”
“What do you mean?” Chip questioned.
“We keep trying to pull the other out of the water when we ourselves are drowning.”
Chip’s face was puzzled. He had never heard Gill use a metaphor before. “Where did you hear that from?”
“No one!” Gillion gave a defensive look which turned to defeat. “Caspian.”
Chip chuckled a bit. Then his face fell again. “But you’re right. I’m in no position to tell you to stop blaming yourself.”
Gillion gave a sigh. “As am I with you. It really hurts, doesn’t it?” his voice sounded pained, like it hurt for these words to pass his mouth.
“Yeah,” Chip solemnly agreed, “hurts like hell. Enough to make you wanna-” he stopped himself, biting his tongue for letting that slip.
Gillion turned his whole body to face Chip, a mixture of worry and fear on his face as he looked at his shoes, then to the ocean, then to him. “Chip, did you come up here to…”
Chip promised Gill he’d never lie to him again. That he’d never use his naiveness against him. And ever since then the mountain of lies he hid behind had become veiled on the horizon behind him. That being said…
“No, I didn’t.” What’s one more to the pile.
“Okay.” Gillion said and simply nodded. He shifted himself back to facing the sea. “I apologize for giving this burden of guilt to you.”
“There you go again!” Chip nudged Gillion’s side with his elbow. “It’s not your fault. I’ve always blamed myself for shit. All you did was deflate the huge ego I used to ignore it.”
“Is that what I do?” Gillion stared out to nothing, eyes wide. “Hide behind the fact that I’m the chosen one and it's my destiny so I don’t have to confront my fear of being the issue?”
Chip wrapped an arm around Gill’s shoulder. “You and I are one in the same, Gillion Tidestrider.”
Gillion’s eyes softened as an idea popped in his head. “Then why don’t we act like it?”
Chip gave a quizzical smile. “What do you mean?”
“If we are truly one in the same, then why don't we act like it?” Gillion hoisted himself up to stand on the railings.
“Gill, keep it down! Everyone’s still asleep.” Chip hushed.
Gillion dramatically pointed his finger at Chip. “Chip, if we truly are trapped in this cycle of guilt, then why not be trapped together? You and me. Share the blame. Solve the problem.”
Chip scoffed confused as he cautiously stood up. “What? How’s blaming ourselves together gonna fix anything?”
“I’m not entirely sure, but if there’s one thing being above water has taught me, is that almost everything is easier when you’re not alone.”
Chip laughed in disbelief. “You want to deal with our screwed up hero complex together? Gill, there’s a difference between what we’ve done to feel this. What you did, that was accidental. Mine came from my own selfishness and carelessness. I’ve hurt you. You specifically. Going through this together would just make me feel like a hypocrite.”
Gillion gave a soft smile. “Then if it means anything, nothing you’ve done, to me or to anyone, has made me see you as less.”
Chip scoffed weakly. “How can you say that?”
“Because I know you, Chip.”
Chip paused. The words Gillion spoke went through his ears like distant sounds. Even so, he reveled in the fact that before this he believed Gillion blamed him the most.
Their brief silence was broken from a feminine yell below deck. “Gillion, go to sleep!” It groaned.
Chip’s face turned playful. “Oh, you’re dead in the morning.”
Gillion raised his hands in defense. “Alright, that one’s on me.”
“No,” before Gill could hop off the rail, Chip grabbed at his arm, making him turn his gaze, “it’s on us.”
Gill’s face lit up, a proud smile stretching across. “That was good.”
“Thanks, I know.” Chip snickered. With that, Gillion hopped off the rail and onto the deck.
But Chip remained.
“Are you coming to bed?” Gill asked.
“In a minute, I'm gonna sit out here a little longer.” He said, placing his hands in his pockets.
“Alright,” Gillion placed his blanket with the pile of others he had put on the ground. “I’ll leave these here for you then.”
Chip smiled. “You’re the best, Gill.”
Gillion flashed finger guns at him as he walked backwards. “Stay fishy, Chibo.”
With that, Gillion disappeared below deck, making Chips smile wipe from existence. He turned his body towards the ocean and returned to right where he was before. That pit in his stomach never left.