Chapter Text
Athena’s getting really fucking tired of this.
Like seriously, it was one thing when it happened back in middle school, when some girl was too scared to ask a boy out because of societal expectations or when a girl was too scared to as another not boy out because of homophobia or whatever bullshit (Athena… might’ve only hung out with girls back then), but for it to be happening with not just her annoying coworker, but also with her annoying boss?
Ugh!
“Oh, Herr Forehead! I thought you might be a bit more open-minded, ja? It’s just a bit of foreplay!” AND it’s getting worse! Great! Like Athena feels for Klavier, she really does, because trying to get literally anything through Apollo’s head is like cosplaying Sisyphus.
Though, to be fair, trying to get Klavier to take a hint is quite similar to trying to get Narcissus to do literally anything but sit around and look pretty, so maybe he deserves this.
“That- Prosecutor Gavin, that is NOT the appropriate word for that context!” Maybe Mr. Wright and Mr. Edgeworth aren’t as bad as she remembers. They can’t be, right? There has to be some sort of “hindsight is closer than it appears” or whatever. She glances over to Mr. Wright, who’s grinning while very clearly egging Mr. Edgeworth on about something that’s probably very stupid.
Charming. That's definitely helping their case.
“Aww, baby, are you sure? How do you know that those weren’t the intentions of Herr Sholmes?” She stops and pauses, listening. She can’t make out their words, but she can make out their emotions, and…
Okay, yeah, no, it is as bad as she remembered. Maybe she should just stay here with-
“I would rather not have a conversation with you about the sexcapades of a Victorian detective.”
Well, bathroom it is!
Unsurprisingly, her swift departure isn’t noted by any of the offending parties, Widget’s shout of pure exasperation or no. But it’s fine! It’s fine that her boss and coworker are so caught up in their “unrequited” love to notice a literal shout right beside them! It’s fine that they’re so caught up in their “rivals” that-
“Woah.” Athena feels a pair of hands grab her shoulders as she turns the corner before the final corner she has to turn to get to the bathrooms, causing her to look up to see Simon, Taka glaring menacingly from his shoulder, a tad too close to her face for anyone’s liking. Or, well, not glaring. Just looking very intently. Because he’s a falcon. And falcons don’t glare. Probably. “Watch where you’re going."
“Sorry! I guess I was distracted!” Athena chirps, shrugging off Simon’s hands and taking a step back, shaking her head slightly in an attempt to control her thoughts. Simon raises his eyebrows at her.
“I’m sure,” he says, pulling back his hands to give Taka a single pat before letting them rest at his sides. “Though I am wondering why you’re here instead of in the lobby with the rest of your agency.” Athena rolls her eyes.
“Well, out there it’s a choice of either watching my boss try to flirt and fail miserably or watching Klavier actually flirt while it goes straight over Apollo’s head, so,” she complains, crossing her arms. “I just- how can you be that dense?!” Simon huffs.
“I suspect their hearing might be getting in their way,” he comments. He might have a point, but- “And also they’re stupid.” Athena immediately starts nodding aggressively.
“They are! They really are!” She nearly shouts. “I just- look, I do care about their happiness.” Simon nods solemnly enough that Taka starts to lightly peck his cheek in worry. “But at this point, I don’t give a fuck if their relationship ends in blood. I just care that it happens so I don’t have to deal with this stupid fucking pining!”
“To be fair, if anyone could figure out how to pine while in a relationship, it’d be Wright-dono and Edgeworth-dono,” he says gravely, reaching up to pat Taka once before setting his hand down again. Athena groans. He… yeah, he’s right. This sucks.
“But it hopefully wouldn’t be this bad!” She exclaims. “I mean, I can barely be in the same room as them!” Simon shrugs.
“I heard that down at the precinct, the older detectives tell the younger ones to go talk to Edgeworth-dono after he had a meeting with Wright-dono because then he’ll be in a good mood,” he adds, shaking his head. “They have to at least suspect, right?”
“I’d go as far as saying they even know! They just don’t want to ruin things or whatever, and this seems good enough, nevermind the fact that my ears start bleeding every time Mr. Wright so much as thinks about Mr. Edgeworth,” Athena complains. Simon frowns.
“I don’t think they know, but they have to suspect,” he admits. “After all, if someone calls you ‘daddy’ in court, you aren’t all too likely to think all their feelings for you are entirely platonic.” Athena groans.
“No! Don’t remind me of that! That never happened!” She protests. Simon scoffs.
“At least it wasn’t during your trial,” he points out. Athena slumps. He… yeah, he’s right. The whole scene, the day before Simon was to be killed, the wreckage of a courthouse, a case only brought to court by the hostages Simon’s sister took…
And Simon’s defense lawyer calling the chief prosecutor daddy.
“Point taken, but it’s still not something I want to think about,” she grumbles. Simon snorts, grinning.
“Yes, well, if I have to think about it, so do you.” Athena gasps.
“You fucker!” She exclaims, crossing her arms. Simon just shrugs.
“Sorry, the stress from dealing with Klavier on a daily basis has dried up all the fucks I could give about your delicate sensibilities.” Athena snorts.
“Can’t argue with that,” she declares. They’re silent for a moment.
“What if we get them together?” Her head snaps up to look at Simon in disbelief. He shrugs. “Less pining from our bosses and… well, I don’t know what hooking up with Justice-dono will do to Klavier, but it’ll do something.” Athena studies him for a moment.
“Is this an excuse to bully Klavier?” She asks bluntly. Simon grins.
“My motivations are unimportant. What’s important is the amount of pain those lovebirds cause your ears and how much it can be reduced if they’re no longer pining.” He frowns. “Or, in Wright-dono and Edgeworth-dono’s case, less pining.” Athena studies him.
“Say you have a point.”
“I do,” Simon says immediately. She ignores him.
“How would we go about doing it?” She asks. “Klavier and Apollo, we could probably bug Apollo into saying something just to shut us up, but Mr. Wright? Mr. Edgeworth?” She shakes her head. “They’ve known each other since they were nine. How do we go about making something happen between the two of them?” Simon’s eyes widen slightly.
“Hold on a moment,” he says, looking vaguely as if someone just fucked over his entire world view. Or he would look like that if he had bothered emoting. But he does SOUND like someone just fucked over his entire world view, so it counts. “How long exactly have Edgeworth-dono and Wright-dono known each other?” Athena frowns.
“Since they were nine? Did you not know this?” She asks carefully. When she first found out, she almost throttled Mr. Wright, and while she’s very annoyed at him right now, she’d prefer him alive, and no man survives Simon’s throttling methods. Athena would say she speaks from experience, but she’s not a man, so it doesn’t count.
“I very much did not,” Simon says, narrowing his eyes. Oh, he looks intimidating! Luckily, Athena’s seen him sing lullabies to a falcon, who immediately started scratching him, so it has no effect. “How in the hell are they not fucking?” Athena’s eyes widen and she gulps. Uh. Well.
“I mean… do they want to fuck?” She asks hesitantly. Simon frowns, narrowing his eyes further, this time in her direction.
“Athena, can you hear in people’s voices if they want to fuck someone?” He asks point-blank. Athena tries to smile innocently, but it probably looks more like a grimace. Facial expressions are complicated.
“See, the thing about that is- look, I don’t want to talk about this with you.” Simon nods in agreement, letting go immediately, which is great for Athena’s mental health. “But the point is- well, okay, there isn’t a point, I just want to know what the fuck you think we can do about those two.”
“Trap them in a closet.” Athena shakes her head.
“Mr. Edgeworth doesn’t like enclosed spaces.” Simon studies her.
“How do you know that?” He asks apprehensively. Athena shrugs.
“Hearing.” Simon narrows his eyes.
“That doesn’t explain anything.” Athena huffs and rolls her eyes.
“Yes it does. Any other ideas?” She asks pointedly. Simon frowns, thinking, before slamming his hand against the wall beside him like the dramatic fucking lawyer he is.
“Trap them in a LARGE closet.” Athena shakes her head.
“Still enclosed,” she points out. Simon crosses his arms.
“I have no clue why you’re asking me about this. I don’t exactly DO romance. Why would I know how to do this?” He complains. Athena stares at him.
“You… suggested this,” she points out. Simon freezes before rolling his eyes.
“And?”
“And?! Do I seem like I do romance to you?!” Athena exclaims. Simon frowns.
“Point taken,” he says. “How about we do some research and reconvene when we have a decent idea?” He suggests. Athena mulls it over before nodding slightly.
“I reserve the right to veto any idea and if none are good enough, we aren’t doing this.” Simon nods solemnly. “But fine! I’ll have something good by the end of the week!”
“I’ll have something by the end of the day,” he says immediately. Athena glares at him.
“Something good,” she emphasizes. He nods.
“Yes. You’ll have something good. I’ll just have something,” he explains. Athena glares harder.
“This is your idea. Pull your weight!” She shouts. Simon shrugs.
“My original idea was a complex way of bullying Klavier. If you want this to be anything serious, you have to do it yourself,” he points out. Athena huffs.
“I’m making a plan that will get you fired,” she threatens. Simon grins.
“I was hired with a murder charge. I can’t get fired.” An unfortunately good point. Still.
“Is that a challenge?” She asks, raising her chin. Simon shakes his head.
“It’s a fact. Edgeworth-dono said so himself when I took the orca case.” Athena nods slightly, thinking back on that case. It was certainly a case, wasn’t it? God, no wonder Mr. Edgeworth was considering firing Simon.
“Oh yeah, I forgot you did that. Why did you, again?” She asks. It’s not an again. This is the first time she’s asking. But it sounds better that way, so she’s saying it that way.
“It was funny.” Ah. That makes sense.
“Of course. But I WILL figure out a way to get you fired! Just you wait!” She declares. Simon nods, looking entirely too unbothered.
“Okay, so we both have our primary and secondary goals. Can’t wait to see your plans AND your reactions to mine,” he says before abruptly turning and walking back the way he came with not even a goodbye. Did he… not have anything to do in the direction he was going? Was he just walking around for the sake of walking around? Actually, Athena doesn’t care. Simon does what Simon does. She does NOT want to think about it. “Good luck with your coworkers!” And there’s the goodbye. It’s a shit goodbye. Athena groans. She had almost forgotten about that.
“PLEASE don’t remind me!” She exclaims. Simon just laughs as he walks off, Taka watching Athena over his shoulder. Which is fine. Not creepy at all.
Athena sighs as she turns back to the lobby. Maybe, maybe if she’s lucky, Mr. Edgeworth has already left because he’s got this big important job that should keep him too busy to bother Athena. If she’s even luckier, Klavier will have also left, realizing how pathetic it is to just sit around flirting with his crush who refuses to take a hint.
Somehow, Athena knows that today isn’t a lucky day, and decides to just hope for Klavier and Apollo’s conversation about Herlock Sholmes’ libido is over for good, never to see the light of day again.