Chapter Text
Leo was concerned for his twin. Since the Kraang invasion Donnie has looked worse and worse, it was disturbing.
By all accounts you would have thought that Donnie was an animated corpse just off his appearance, his purple twin's skin was pale, gaunt, and sunken, his eyes had no life in them and his eyebags were more pronounced than ever. Donnie carried himself like as if he was burdened by a great pain, his shoulders both tense with a deep exhaustion.
Normally it would be understandable considering everything that was the invasion, but that happened four months ago and Leo has yet to see Donnie eat or sleep, the guy didn't even drink coffee which was a massive red flag!
Leo remembers those first few days after the invasion, Donnie had looked deeply disturbed and confused. To be fair all of New York had that same look but with Donnie it seemed like he had made a horrible discovery that went far deeper than the Kraangs existence. Again Leo would write it off as the whole invasion thing, and he did at first, but in hindsight it didn't seem as though that was it, like there was more. What added to this was some of the rather disturbing things Donnie had been saying since the invasion.
One of those being not too long ago where Donnie made a comment about not having eaten and/or slept in months.
Unlikely the case because Donnie would be dead, but his twin did look like a walking cadaver so Donnie clearly isn't taking care of himself, which means he's probably not eating or sleeping the appropriate amount. Leo had tried talking to his purple clad brother about it but he had been shut down very quickly and had ended up with Donnie locking himself in his room for a week.
And Leo wasn't the only one to try, his whole family had tried to get Donnie to open and talk about it multiple times, even Draxum gave it a go, but Donnie had remained stubbornly quiet even when they had grounded him from his lab for a month. A WHOLE FUCKING MONTH!
This called for an extreme intervention, which likely wouldn't work because if grounding him from his lab for a whole month didn't work well then... what could they do? What would get Donnie to talk?
It hurt Leo to see his brother, his twin like this. It was clear that Donnie was suffering from some unknown burden, it was clear that Donnie was exhausted and hurting. The way that his twin's eyes always looked dead and sad all the time. Donnie even spoke like a man who was deeply exhausted and jaded. He spoke as though he had lived far longer than any of them, his eyes were that of one who had lived thousands of years and witnessed thousands of atrocities.
Leo wiped away bitter tears, his brother was hurting and he didn't know what to do. But Donnie had to speak, he couldn't keep quiet forever, even Donnie knew this. So maybe they had to wait. And they will, they will wait for Donnie even if it takes years.
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Mikey let out a heart-wrenching scream, glaring at his older brother with bitter tears rolling down his face, “JUST LET US HELP YOU, DONNIE!”
Said turtle was looking at him with those same haunted and sad eyes that plagued Mikey’s dreams.
Mikey had been patient, he had been steady, he had been careful with his words, and had even been painfully honest to his purple brother. But it didn't matter because Donnie still wouldn't open up and it had been six months now.
Mikey scrunched up his face as he wiped away sorrowful tears. He stood in the kitchen with the rest of his family, all of which were watching as Mikey broke and screamed. Their eyes bouncing between Donnie and Mikey with looks of apprehension and resignation. After all, Donnie wasn’t going to talk, they all knew this.
This was supposed to be a nice family dinner but Donnie kept refusing to take care of himself and it was just too much. Mikey couldn’t stand it, watching his brother stare at his plate full of food with those dead and cold eyes not eating anything.
Mikey was never one to throw or slam things, but it just… he didn’t know what he was doing wrong and it hurt, because it had to be something with him right? Maybe the food wasn’t good enough or maybe he wasn’t enough?
It was the straw that broke the camels back, leading Mikey to throw his plate to the floor and slam his hands against the table as he screamed at his brother to fucking talk!
Mikey desperately tried to reel it back in, breathing quickly as he searched for any reason as to why his brother was like this, his glare turned into a desperate and frantic look that was bouncing all over the place as he tried to make sense of everything about the enigma that was Donatello.
Grabbing both sides of his head he screwed his eyes shut as tears escaped his eyes, his breathing was erratic as he started to spew out all his insecurities, “Please, Donnie, tell me what’s wrong? Is it me? I swear I’m trying so hard please tell me where I’m going wrong! I’m trying, please just tell me why. I can’t do this for long and it hurts, everything hurts Donnie and I know you’re hurting and I just want to help and I’m trying and I know it’s not enough, that I can never be enough but-“
Someone gently grabbed both of Mikey’s hands and held them. The hands were cold but gentle, and soon the person was enveloping Mikey into a cold embrace.
Everything was cold about them but it felt so warm to be hugged with such care. To be held like fragile glass.
Mikey clutched the other like a lifeline as he broke down. Heartbroken sobs escaped Mikey’s shaking frame as he let go of all the hurt that had been building up inside since the invasion. All the sorrow, guilt, and sadness was released and there was no stopping it.
It felt like Mikey had been drowning the whole time and every time he tried to get in a breath of fresh air another wave of grief would roll over him, pushing him back under. He cannot count the many sleepless nights where he stared at his ceiling, waiting for sleep that would not bring nightmares of his dying brothers or cracking arms. Or the nights where he comforted his brothers after their nightmares woke them up with screams. Except for Donnie.
Mikey stayed like that for a couple minutes, holding onto the person for dear life, hiding his face in their neck as the other places their hand behind Mikey’s head pulled him closer. Finally taking in a shuddering breath Mikey looked up to see his family staring silently with a fragile hope in their eyes, and Mikey knew why.
Donnie, his older brother, had crawled over the table and held him as silent tears ran down his face. Mikey felt a little hopeful flame that had long ago gone out, reignite inside him and burn a little brighter as he gently held his purple brother's face “Please tell me what’s wrong, Donnie.”
His brother looked at him silently, but this time instead of dead eyes there was something else glimmering, Donnie was never one for emotions, he hardly let them out so it surprised everyone when the genius softly spoke with so much sadness and emotion “Oh, Mikey, it’s not you. It’s none of you. It has nothing to do with this family. You guys didn’t fail me, I just..,” Donnie’s voice died off.
“What? We’re worried. We care about you, you're my brother, Donnie. I love you so much,” Mikey's breath hitched and stutter as tears ran down his face, “I care so much about you, and it hurts to see you like this,” Mikey hiccuped as he pushed through, “I know you're trying to be strong, but we can be strong too. I know how tiring it is to be strong, you're allowed to be vulnerable.”
Donnie let out an exhausted sigh as he wiped away his tears, “It's... I died Mikey.”
“What?” came the quiet response.
Donnie didn't do figurative language all that much, he was quite literal. A sinking feeling was shared at the literal implications of this confession.
Everyone was quiet. Nobody dared to utter a single word as they let Mikey finally tear down their most stubborn brothers' walls.
Donnie looked away Grabbing Mikey’s hand, “I died, Mikey. I-” Donnie let out a shuddering sigh, “and then I had to... he-heal you guys. I had to take care of you. If you guys died I wouldn't... I can't-” his brother screwed his eyes shut, silent tears crept out, “I think a lot, Mikey. I know a lot. And there's nothing more terrifying than stitching up your brothers’ broken bodies and knowing the chances of survival, knowing what could go wrong, knowing every horrible detail. Most nights, and days, that's all I see, all the ways things could have gone wrong and how they could still go wrong. I see how you guys could have died, I see those horrible possibilities. All of them.”
Oh... Mikey stared up at his older brother, his wonderfully smart, genius older brother who looked so so old and exhausted. Who looked haunted.
He never thought about that. Donnie was smart, he was a genius who made wonderful tech for them that made their lives significantly easier. I mean it's not like they can just buy a fridge, or most of the appliances they own, Donnie made most of them. Donnie was innovative like that, and with innovation came creativity.
With the knowledge that Donnie had paired with that creativity, one can only imagine the horribly vivid thoughts that accompanied his trauma.
Mikey blinked away a couple tears as he let out a gasp “Oh, Donnie-”
“And what makes it worse is that I did die, Mikey. I am dead,” Donnie cut in, “When I connected to that... that ship and when those kraang roots buried themselves into my shell, they got deep. Because they needed to connect to me, to my spine-”
Leo let out a quiet gasp as he cut Donnie off, “Fuck, Don- Donnie, that's... I'm, please- I,” a look of horror plastered on the leader's face.
Donnie shook his head and continued, “When I was ripped out of it, it caused a lot of damage and- I died. It was horrible and I- it was-”
Raph finally took this moment to speak, his voice came out with confused desperation “But you're still alive so it's fine, right?”
Leo looked to Donnie, “Ye-yeah you're alive so... so, that's gotta mean something.”
The purple turtle simply shook his head as more tears fell, bringing Mikey’s hand to his wrist and placing Mikey’s hand to where he would check for a pulse, “But I did die, my neck snapped and I died, I'm not alive, by definition I can't be. It's weird because I have no pulse, I don't breath. I require no food or sleep anymore and yet I still exist. I should be dead and technically am. Yet I am here, my blood doesn't flow and yet I persist.”
“That's not possible. That can't be possible... Mikey?”
Leos quiet yet desperate plea snapped Mikey out of whatever trance he was in “Leo... there's no pulse.”