Work Text:
Feeling
I always found them quite strange
People I knew were able to show them without a problem and people never thought they were strange
But if I had one bad day and wasn’t yelling
Everyone avoid me like the plague
That’s why I never show much but just the brightness of a star
And why would I need to show anything else
A star is never sad
I remember being told by Toya once that
‘Stars eventually burn out Tsukasa’
I got really lost in thought
I couldn’t pay attention to the lesson
It was the last class
I heard the bell ring, causing me to snap back to reality
I was only thinking about myself
Just a little selfish if you ask me..
But then I remembered Rui..
He hasn’t been at school for a few days
He hasn’t messaged anyone either
Mizuki asked about him and I was upset I couldn’t give them an answer
But that didn’t matter, we’d see him tomorrow
We were going ice skating for Nene’s birthday
I was excited
Genuinely
I stopped my ‘fun’ little
Ehem
𝘏𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘵𝘴
Just for this
I started walking home when I got a message from the WonderlandxShowtime group chat
It was Rui!
𝘏𝘦𝘺 𝘨𝘶𝘺𝘴 𝘪 𝘮𝘢𝘺 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘰 𝘵𝘰𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘸
𝘐𝘮 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺
And to think I was so goddamn excited to see him..
‘I get he’s my best friend.. but why do I feel so sad?’
𝘙𝘶𝘪 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵’𝘴 𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦
𝘈𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘯𝘰 𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘨𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭
𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦? 𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯’𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧
𝘕𝘰 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘦
I really don’t think he’s fine but..
At least I get to see him
————————-
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY NENE!!!!”
Emu was always energetic, most of us in the room were used to it
There were 8 of us in the party room
Me, Rui, Emu, Nene, Toya, Akito, Ena, and Mizuki
I invited Toya who brought Akito with him and Ena came with Akito because she thought it was a great photo opportunity and Rui brought Mizuki
Rui and Mizuki…
“We’ll then, shall we get on the ice?”
Akito and Toya went first, Toya has fairly good balance but Akito on the other hand… he fell like 5 times. Toya was just trying to make sure Akito didn’t die
Ena, Mizuki, Nene, and Emu went out in a group and went around the rink
Mizuki was having the time of their fucking life
They had never skated before so they were falling left and right, but they were having fun doing it
Me and Rui went out last together
Hand in hand
This is a friend this…
Rui told me if I fell and dragged us both down, he would never forgive me
I did end up falling but that was on the wall, he just watched me fall with this dumbfounded look
It was cute
All of us where out there for a while
Maybe an hour or two
But I had to leave sadly
I was tired though and Saki was home alone
After I got home I just felt empty
“Hi big brother! How was it?”
“It was nice, I’m tired though”
“Go ahead and rest then!”
Saki went back to her room
I don’t want to worry her
I ran over to the bathroom and looked in the cupboard to find the pair of scissors I keep in there
I’m surprised no one found them yet
I pulled down my sleeve and started thinking about how many times I messed up today
After counting the total was
27
So I got to cutting
One
Two
Five
Fifteen
Twenty seven
Only a few cuts broke skin since the scissors are dull
But it wasn’t enough
I opened the cabinet behind the mirror and found some of Saki’s stronger pain killers
Perfect
I closed the cabinet and saw myself in the mirror
My body looked horrible
My thighs and stomach are so big
My cheeks look like a chipmunk..
I started crying
I hate myself I hate the way I look
I opened the pill bottle
Well I tried
‘Stupid childproof caps!’
“UGH!”
I eventually got it open and put the majority of the pills in my mouth but
I couldn’t swallow it
I could only see
Rui
He was smiling
Laughing
Fuck I can’t do this
I spit everything into the sink
“Tsukasa? Are you okay? Can I come in?”
“Saki.. I- don’t come in I don’t wanna worry you”
“Oh… okay, by the way Toya’s here”
“I’ll be there in a second”
———————————-
I cleaned up and put a bandage on my wrist
Toya and Saki were sitting on the couch watching a movie
I sat down next to Toya
“Hello Tsukasa”
“Hi Toya”
We continued to watch the movie
———————————-
Toya went home after a while and Saki went to bed , I was just laying down, staring at the ceiling
I couldn’t close my eyes, I was scared of what would happen. If Saki fell ill overnight or someone broke in
I just couldn’t fall asleep
Then I saw him
That man
Those greedy hands…
My poor small body
Used for someone else
God I can’t do this
I really want to disappear or die
It would be fine
But
Would Saki and Toya forgive me?
Would Rui move on?
How would WonderlandxShowtime turn out?
I can’t do this
Just let me die