Work Text:
“Don’t you get it!? I love you! I always have! So please, just this once, stay!”
The words still echoed in Catra’s ears. So did the next.
“You love me?”
She knew when Adora spoke those words originally, they were spoken full of unrealized hope. Now, ten years down the line sitting in a little half-buried home in the Kingdom of Snows, Catra heard them in her head as if they were disbelieving. She heard them spoken as they were the last time Adora had said them to her, the time just two days before she left for good.
Catra looked around the room. It had a little niche off to the side with a bed in it, buried into the permafrost and well insulated. The person who’d given her the keys and showed her the place had explained it was standard for this far north in the kingdom because if she lost power for whatever reason, she could essentially wall herself in there and keep warm with only her body heat if necessary. She took a long pull off the bottle in her hand as she looked at the snarl of blankets and sheets that looked like some kind of weird nest that sat on the bed before she looked around at the rest of the room. The bathroom was close to the bed niche, next to it was a counter and cabinets with a sink, stove, and fridge. Catra snorted in dark amusement at having a refrigerator up in the deep cold but it was better than storing her stuff outside like a lot of her neighbors did. She hated the cold and the less she had to go out, the better. A small washer/dryer set along a wall near a small couch and the big, insulated chair that Catra was sprawled out in.
There were only a few windows up high on the walls to let in light. They were high because the rest of the room was below ground to retain heat as much as possible. Catra had already spent one winter by herself in this room and knew the windows got covered by snow but in the long winter night, that didn’t really matter much since they weren’t letting in light except for the aurora. Catra looked at the length of rope sitting on the one table in the room and wondered if she’d get through this winter and found she really didn’t care much one way or another if she did. She tried to think if anyone would even notice she was gone.
Probably not, she thought as she took a sip off the bottle. None of them have even really bothered to talk with me since…
She trailed off. She meant since she and Adora had broken up, since Adora had left their home one evening after a particularly awful argument. If she was honest with herself, some had tried to talk with her but Catra had all but thrown them out of the house. Perfuma had infuriated her, Scorpia had turned her stomach with her earnest caring, Bow had tried to see both sides and make peace, and Catra had yelled, sulked, insulted, and ignored in whatever measure was required for each one to leave. Scorpia and Bow had both tried to tell her that they were there for her but she had to at least admire Perfuma for just giving her the cold shoulder and leaving.
She’d moved out shortly after from the home she and Adora had moved into in the town of Bright Moon. They’d been having trouble in the relationship pretty soon after the Fall of Prime, each of them having their own issues that just festered as they tried to be what each thought they should be for each other and also what the public saw them as, which was the saviors of the entire universe. After all, the saviors of the universe must have it together, they don’t need help.
They both believed that pretty hard for a while. They still were when they’d moved out of Bright Moon Castle after Catra had insisted. She’d said she wanted privacy, which was true, but it was also to get away from the mural of Angella she had to walk past every day and what she felt was the accusing eyes of Micah that she tried to walk past as little as possible.
Can’t say I blame him, she thought as she stared at the wall, a dull brown color that in the long nights seemed to be actively malevolent.
She went to take another sip from her bottle and got only a few nasty dregs from the bottom so she carefully set it on the ground beside her. She’d had her moments of hurling the bottles against the wall to shatter into a thousand shards, and it was satisfying in the moment, but the problem with a thousand shards was that when it came time to clean them up the next day, it was rare to actually find all of them. However, bare feet had an uncanny knack of finding them over the next few weeks and so she’d learned that lesson.
Only one I ever learned right in my whole shitty life, she thought. She wished she’d learned what it was that Adora had wanted in time to spare both of their feelings. They’d tried, they really had, although sometimes she wondered if she’d actually tried hard enough, but again, they were the people who saved the universe with their love. They had the perfect relationship. It didn’t need help.
Besides, I was just her first crush, the trial run, Catra thought bitterly as she unsteadily got to her feet and headed for a cabinet. She had others, like that sparkly little bitch.
She opened the cabinet and blinked for a few moments as she took in the emptiness.
“Shit.”
She moved a few boxes of crackers to one side, the only thing in the cabinet, hoping against hope that she’d spy a bottle but there was no such luck.
“Shit!”
She slammed her fist into the counter, rattling some dirty dishes, as she realized she was going to have to go out. It was late autumn and even though it was only mid-afternoon, the sky was already getting dark and would be pitch black by the time she got back from the store. The alternative was too horrible to contemplate though.
Catra rummaged around through her clothes basket, got on a few more layers, pulled some outer clothes on, then put on a knee length parka. She slid the giant mittens over her hands and pulled the hood up before going up the short flight of stairs to a door. The door opened to a mud room and the cold draft of air that flowed out of it sent a shiver down her spine even though she was bundled up. She was already muttering curses under her breath as she went out the door.
The trip to the store was cold. The store was cold. The people were warm but they’d learned long ago to not address the surly person who lived in house number four. Catra didn’t know if anyone had ever figured out who she actually was because she’d done her best to cover up and disguise herself. She’d given the name of Lynda when she’d moved up there and hadn’t bothered to repeat it.
“Here you go,” the store owner said as he filled up a few bags. He looked at her in concern. He knew she lived by herself with no visitors and the amount of booze he sold to her was increasing. “You need anything?”
Catra looked at him and saw the concern in his face and hated him for it.
“No.”
She grabbed the bags and stalked out of the store. When she got back to her place it was dark, as she knew it would be, and the few bits of food she’d bought had frozen but she’d only bought them out of some idea that maybe she should, just to put on some kind of front. The bottles were fine though. It had to get much colder for them to freeze. She carefully stored them on the shelf in her pantry and tossed the bags to the side with the food still in them. She chucked her extra clothes on the ground and went to sit back on the chair with a brand-new bottle.
As she cracked the seal on the bottle, she was happy to do so in quiet. She’d started the drinking, at least heavily, a few years before. Adora hadn’t approved. It was just one more thing they argued about. Catra had called her a hypocrite since Adora had drank as well but Adora had pointed out it was only socially.
“It’s not social if it’s just the two of us,” Catra had said in one argument. They’d both had a drink in their hands. “So that doesn’t make you better than me, Princess, just because I do it by myself occasionally and you don’t.”
“You do it all the time though,” Adora had said, quickly setting the drink in her hand down.
“I do a lot of stuff all the time. Are you going to give me crap about my art as well?” Catra had replied. “Listen, it’s not a problem. Besides, drinking socially with them doesn’t count either.”
She’d been referring to Bow and Glimmer. While Catra had always liked Bow, after the war Glimmer had started to grate on her. Glimmer and Adora had all kinds of in-jokes and shared experiences that Catra and Adora didn’t have. While Catra and Adora had some of their own, a lot of that was tainted by the unrelenting misery that had been their shared childhood. It didn’t take long for Catra to start thinking of Glimmer as a rival again, even though she did her best to tuck it away. Though her best wasn’t that great.
“I’m not trying to steal her from you, Fluffy,” Glimmer had told her once when it had been just the two of them and Catra had made a joke that wasn’t really a joke about Glimmer and Adora sneaking around.
“Sure, sure,” Catra had said, trying to be funny about it but the raw jealousy had shone through, even though she hadn’t realized it at the time.
“Maybe lay off the drinking,” Glimmer said, her eyes settling on the glass in Catra’s hand. “It’s becoming a problem.”
“You even sound like Adora,” Catra said. “Probably from spending all your spare time with her. Besides, it’s not a problem.”
Glimmer had left the room then and looking back, Catra had to at least admit the drinking was a bit of a problem now. Looking back at the rope on the table though, she had to admit it wasn’t one without a solution. She took a demure little sip, putting her pinky out like the Bright Moon etiquette masters had tried to teach her for sipping from teacups. It was her own little joke to herself.
I’m a princess after all, she thought. It was an ill-timed thought because suddenly she was remembering how that had happened through her wedding to Adora and when she remembered that she was suddenly remembering Adora’s face staring back filled with burning love, she remembered her pulled close in embrace as they kissed, and she remembered how the good times had been really good.
She was curled up in her chair, bawling, when she finally registered the pounding on her door.
“Fuck off!” she screamed at the door. The pounding stopped and she listened for a long moment, wiping snot and tears away, and when no further knocking came, she took a long pull off the bottle. Then she sprayed it across the room when sparkles and glitter suddenly appeared with Glimmer standing in the middle of it.
“Damn it, Catra!” Glimmer shouted as she barely avoided the spray of liquor. She pushed back the hood of her purple parka as she looked around.
“ Get out!” Catra screamed as she tried to get to her feet.
“Nice Hordak impression,” Glimmer said, “but I’m not getting out. Do you have any idea how long we’ve been looking for you!?”
“I don’t give a shit, Sparkles!” Catra said and grabbed the empty bottle next to the chair and chucked it as hard as she could at Glimmer, who disappeared and reappeared a few feet to the right.
“Damn, how far down that bottle have you gone?” Glimmer said as the bottle thudded into the blankets on the bed and managed not to break. “You used to be fast.”
Catra got to her feet and managed to not sway as she glared at Glimmer.
“I’ll show you fast! I can still tear your little sparkly ass apart!”
“I doubt it,” Glimmer said with a snort. “Listen, I didn’t come here to trade drunken threats.”
Catra grabbed a boot off the floor and chucked it at Glimmer. She didn’t even bother to teleport that time. She just stuck her hand out and snatched it out of the air and tossed it onto the floor beside her. Catra was reaching for another boot when Glimmer rolled her eyes.
“Oh, fuck this,” she muttered and teleported next to Catra, grabbed her, and teleported again. They appeared outside somewhere in the tundra outside town. Glimmer quickly teleported out of Catra’s reach and watched in pity as Catra began to throw up.
“Damn, do you put anything down your throat that isn’t liquid?” Glimmer said as she looked in disgust at the rapidly freezing pool at Catra’s feet.
“Take me back!” Catra shouted as she pulled her arms around herself as the wind began to pick up. “I’m going to freeze to death out here!”
“Why do you care!?” Glimmer shouted back. “I saw the rope on the table! I’m not stupid! At least this way is faster than what you’ve been doing!”
“Why do you care!?” Catra said back. “You got what you wanted!”
“Oh, dear sweet Mara! You’re still on about this!? Do you even know where Adora is these days!?” Glimmer said. Then she noticed Catra had started to violently shiver and sighed as she teleported them both back into Catra’s house.
Catra collapsed into her chair as she dragged a blanket around herself and took a shot off the bottle.
“That’s not going to help the cold,” Glimmer said.
“Screw you,” Catra shot back. “And to answer your question, she’s probably sprawled out in your bed, just like you planned.”
She’d tried to be mean with her answer but the image pushed into her mind and she fought to keep the hot tears back.
“No, she’s not,” Glimmer said as she sat down on the edge of Catra’s bed, her nose wrinkling a little at the smell coming off the sheets. “That is never what was going on.”
“Why are you even out here trying to convince me of this?” Catra replied. “What’s the point? You won, I lost, let me live my life.”
“This is what you call a life?” Glimmer said.
“Yes, it’s mine,” Catra said. “I don’t have to answer to anyone.”
“You didn’t have to when you were with her,” Glimmer said. “She just wanted you to be together.”
“No, she didn’t,” Catra said before taking a long pull and saw how Glimmer looked at her as she did. “Save the disapproving looks, Your Majesty. We all drink and besides, she wanted us to be the perfect couple. She wanted us to be Ms. and Ms. Etheria. You know, She-Ra, Princess of Power and her little wifey. All that bullshit.”
Glimmer hung her head for a moment before looking back up.
“Did you two ever talk about this? Because I feel like you’re way off here.”
“I’m sure you two did,” Catra said.
“Yes, we did,” Glimmer said. “ After you left, when she was picking up the pieces of herself.”
“Oh, it’s after I left now is it!?” Catra said, her laugh bitter. “The evil Horde commander showing her true colors by abandoning her sweet, perfect little wife. The people must have ate that one up. You come up with that one so the throne wouldn’t be tarnished? Or did your little hubby come up with that to shield himself from the embarrassment of his wife having her secret girlfriend move in with them?”
Glimmer seemed to bristle as she said, “Keep Bow out of this.”
“Or what?” Catra said, an evil grin on her face. “He’s an idiot to ignore what was going on or maybe he’s not an idiot and he just doesn’t want to give up the power of being king and doesn’t mind looking like an idiot if he gets to keep that power.”
Catra didn’t see the spell that Glimmer shot across the room. One moment Catra was raising the bottle for a drink and the next moment she was covered in shattered glass and liquor. Catra jumped to her feet with a screech and then stopped cold as she saw Glimmer standing, a faint glowing outline around her and two spells in her hands. Catra couldn’t help but notice that while one was the purple and white color that Glimmer normally cast, the other was dark purple shot through with black that reminded Catra of Shadow Weaver’s spells.
“I told you to keep him out of this,” Glimmer said through gritted teeth. “Keep it up, find out what happens.”
Catra felt a sudden sense of self-preservation shoot through her and she held her hands up as her claws retracted.
“Fine, I’ll keep him out of this,” Catra said. Glimmer looked at her a moment longer before the spells dissipated and the glow disappeared. “Why are you even here?”
“To find out what happened to you, dumb shit!” Glimmer said. “You fell off the face of the planet! Adora waited at your house for days, hoping you’d turn up! She was a wreck!”
“Sure she was,” Catra said with a roll of her eyes. “She left first!”
“She didn’t mean for it to be forever!” Glimmer said.
“Yes, she did!” Catra said, memories of that evening flooding in. “She said that she couldn’t go on like we were! Then she left! I waited too but she never came back!”
“You threw out anyone who came to try and talk with you to settle it! You were a mess!” Glimmer said.
“Well, I’m a mess that’s not your problem any longer,” Catra said as she made her way over to the cabinet to grab another bottle. “I’d offer you a drink but I want you the fuck out of my house.”
“Wouldn’t matter, I don’t drink anymore,” Glimmer said. “And I’m going to leave when I’m ready.”
“What is that going to take? You found me; you can go back and have a good laugh now. What else do you want? Tell me how shit I am? I already know,” Catra said as she dragged the bottle down and turned around. She looked at it for a moment before shaking her head and went on in a quiet voice. “It’s over, alright? I fucked it all up. Just let me go. Adora is better off without me.”
“Probably,” Glimmer said and Catra shot a look of hate at her. “At least when you’re like this. She doesn’t think so though.”
Catra felt the longing. She remembered weeping in the chair just a short time before at how much she missed Adora and against her will, the tears started trickling down her face. She turned away from Glimmer and faced the cabinets. The house was quiet, the only noise the ticking of the heater, the soft hum of the refrigerator, and Catra’s repressed sniffling.
“Where is she?” Catra finally said, so quietly that Glimmer barely heard her.
“She’s in Mystacor,” Glimmer said. “She moved in with Aunt Casta a few months back. She couldn’t stand to be around Bright Moon anymore.”
Catra nodded as she said, “I understand. That’s my fault as well.”
It was quiet again. Catra could hear Glimmer shift on the bed a little before she finally spoke.
“You know, it’s not just your fault.”
Catra turned around again to see Glimmer looking at her.
“What do you mean?”
“Listen, I hated you for a little while after you two broke up, I’d love to blame you for everything, but Adora has just as much to shoulder in this whole damn mess,” Glimmer replied. “You weren’t entirely wrong about the whole Ms. and Ms. Etheria thing. She wanted to live up to what everyone thought of her and yeah, people saw you two as that. She wouldn’t speak up for herself enough. She was too easy to forgive.”
Catra leaned her head back against the cabinets as she clenched her eyes tightly closed before looking back at her.
“Listen, it wasn't just that. You had a hand in it too, you kept flirting with her all the time,” Catra said. “I saw it. That was a huge part of our problem.”
“No, I wasn’t,” Glimmer said and then looked away. “I can see how you’d think that though.”
“Always asking her out to the spa, always wanting to be around, always complimenting her… yeah, I wonder where I got that idea,” Catra said.
Glimmer looked back at her as she said, “Catra, that’s just… I used to invite you too, remember? We spent time together too.”
Catra did remember but she just shrugged.
“You were just being nice.”
“Yes! Because you were my friend!” Glimmer said.
Catra shook her head as she opened the bottle but she didn’t take a drink, just stared down into the clear liquid. Glimmer looked at the label and her eyes widened.
“Is that EverPur?” she said. “Are you really going to drink straight EverPur?”
Catra turned the bottle a little and saw the label. The name was in a blocky green font with a blocky pine tree silhouette behind it and a warning on the bottom of the label that the 95% pure alcohol shouldn’t be consumed on its own.
“No,” Catra lied. She put the cap back on, set it back in the cabinet, and grabbed a bottle of something amber. She rolled it in her hands as she tried to think what to say.
“You know, she told me what that last fight was about,” Glimmer said.
Catra grimaced. She remembered as well and she spun the top off the bottle and took a deep drink.
“It’s what it is,” Catra said.
“You know, she’s never bothered to try and find someone else,” Glimmer said.
“Stop,” Catra said, holding out the bottle with one finger pointing at Glimmer from the side of it. “I get it. You’re up here trying to matchmake. That’s over.”
“No, I’m not,” Glimmer said. “Honestly, when we tried to find you originally, yeah, that was part of it. I was going to kick your ass and then get you back together. That’s not what it is anymore.”
“Because I’m not good enough for her,” Catra said.
“Oh, quit the self-pity bullshit,” Glimmer said. “Now it’s just to try and get some kind of closure to the relationship so my two friends can pick up and move on. She’s shattered and she spends all her time holding in her pieces and trying to pretend like she’s just fine. You’re just as shattered it seems but you’re not even bothering to pretend.”
Catra took another deep drink before making her way over to the chair.
“You called me your friend,” Catra said.
“You are, dumbass,” Glimmer said. “I wouldn’t have put out this much effort if you weren’t.”
“Maybe I don’t want to be your friend anymore,” Catra said.
“Then you can hate me but you can do it after you and Adora settle,” Glimmer said.
“What do you even know about this?” Catra said. “You have the perfect relationship.”
“You just accused me of cheating on my husband and rubbing it in his face,” Glimmer said.
Catra shrugged.
“For the record,” Glimmer said, “Bow and I had a really hard patch ourselves. Happened to be around the same time you two broke up. We worked it out, are still working on it, but it was a fucking nightmare. I almost… I almost left him.”
Catra sat forward a little as she said, “Seriously?”
“Yeah,” Glimmer said, her head down as she remembered and wiped at her eye for a moment.
“You almost left him for Adora, didn’t you?” Catra said. Glimmer was silent. “You saw she was available; you saw it was a chance and you almost went for it. Didn’t you?”
“No,” Glimmer said. Then she took a deep breath. “Not really. I was going to either way but I’m not going to lie, I thought about it but I knew it was the wrong thing. I love Bow. I don’t regret working it out and I’m really glad I didn’t do something stupid.”
“Like I did,” Catra said as she sat back.
“Like you did,” Glimmer said, looking up at her.
Catra gave a thin laugh as she said, “OK, I left myself open for that one.”
“You did, Fluffy,” Glimmer said.
Catra looked at the bottle in her hand and took a drink before setting it down on the ground.
“You know you just told me though that you had feelings for Adora beyond just being a friend,” Catra said and saw Glimmer flinch a little.
“I was hoping you didn’t catch that,” she said.
“At least you’re honest,” Catra said.
“I swear, I wasn’t lying earlier. Nothing ever happened between us. She’s a friend. That’s all,” Glimmer said.
“I believe you,” Catra said, shocked that she found that she really did. “I don’t know why but I do. Maybe it was shattering a bottle in my face when I talked about Bow.”
“Now what?” Glimmer said after a long pause.
“I’m not going to see her again,” Catra said. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t. It’s gone too far.”
“No such thing.”
Catra looked at her like she was a child.
“You know damn well that’s not true,” Catra said.
“Listen, I’m not saying you two need to just start talking,” Glimmer said. “You probably need a neutral mediator with you when you do meet again.”
Catra looked away at that as she said, “We wouldn’t need that. I never hit her. I never did that. I’m not proud of how it all ended but I can say I never did that.”
“I know you didn’t,” Glimmer said gently. “If you had, I wouldn't be bothering with this. I just meant a mediator to help you two talk it all out in a useful way.”
Catra wiped at her eyes as she said, “It doesn't matter, I can’t.”
“Fuck your can’t, yes you can,” Glimmer said.
“No, I can’t. Story of my relationship with her,” Catra said as she picked the bottle back up. “I couldn’t be good enough, I couldn’t live up to how she saw me, and in the end, I refused to give her what she wanted.”
“That last argument,” Glimmer said.
“Yeah, that last argument,” Catra replied. “It wasn’t like that was what ended it but it encapsulated everything that led to the end of it all.”
Glimmer nodded.
“I think you should try but I can’t force you,” she said.
“You? Admit your limits? Things have changed,” Catra said before taking a pull off the bottle.
“Well, I’m shattered as well,” she said. “Part of putting myself back together was understanding that.”
“Now what?” Catra said.
“Can I cook you dinner?” Glimmer said. Catra looked at her strangely before responding.
“I’ve had your cooking, Sparkles. Think of a better way to punish me.”
“I’m not punishing you, dipshit,” Glimmer said as she stood up. “You need something other than the pickling you’ve been putting yourself through.”
“Fine,” Catra said. “I got some food from the store tonight. See what’s in there.”
“I know,” Glimmer said as she finally took her parka and snow pants off and tossed them across the room onto the couch. “The grocer is the one who finally pointed me in the right direction.”
“Damn noisy son of a bitch,” Catra grumbled.
“He was worried about you,” Glimmer said as she opened up the cabinets looking for the food. “A few patrons in the store spoke up as well that they worried about you. Kind of a thing up here. Hard to survive these long winters alone without people looking out for each other.”
“I managed,” Catra said. Glimmer turned and looked at the rope on the table. “Shut up.”
“I didn’t say anything,” Glimmer said. “Where’s the food?”
“Oh, yeah, I threw it on the ground.”
Glimmer sighed as she found the bags and went through what was there.
“You have a frozen jar of pickles that’s cracked and starting to leak, an economy pack of soft tofu, a loaf of ten grain bread, and a tomato I could use to break a window with,” Glimmer said.
“There’s crackers in the cabinet,” Catra responded.
“I saw,” Glimmer said in a deadpan voice. “OK, hang on.”
She teleported out and was back less than a minute later wearing oven mitts and holding a tray. The smell from the tray filled the room.
“Is that Bright Moon quiche?” Catra said, sitting up in interest even as her stomach turned a little at the smell of solid food.
“They’d just taken it out of the oven,” Glimmer said as she put it on the counter. “Probably cursing me for taking it.”
“It smells amazing,” Catra said as Glimmer went looking for plates and found nothing. “I just use bowls.”
Glimmer looked at the dirty bowls in the sink.
“Damn you’re a mess,” Glimmer said as she found two spoons and gave them a quick wash. “Just come over here and we’ll eat out of the pan.”
The two stood in silence as they ate. Catra found that even though she felt nauseous from the food, it still made her feel better as it settled in her stomach. She burped a little and felt her stomach rebel.
“I can’t,” Catra said as she set her spoon down.
“Eat some more,” Glimmer said.
“No, I can’t,” Catra said. “It’s good but it’s making me feel sick.”
“Probably duking it out with that booze,” Glimmer said as she ate a little bit more before sticking the tray in the almost empty refrigerator. She put away the groceries, throwing the pickles away, before sitting back down on the bed. It got quiet as Catra stood back at the counter, a claw out as she nervously picked at the edge of the wood and thought.
“Would you… would you stay tonight?” Catra finally said. She looked up to see Glimmer looking at her suspiciously. “No, nothing like that. I just… I don’t want to be alone tonight.”
“On two conditions,” Glimmer said.
“What are they?” Catra said.
“One, you give serious thought to talking to Adora to settle this,” Glimmer said.
“That’s shitty, taking advantage of my loneliness,” Catra said, a little bit of anger stirring in her.
“I know and I don’t care,” Glimmer said. “And trust me, I almost said that you had to go.”
Catra grimaced as she said, “Fine, I’ll think about it. What’s number two?”
“You gotta put new sheets on this bed and take a fucking shower. You smell like a distillery’s trash heap,” Glimmer said.
Catra started to get pissed before it drained away and she gave a little laugh instead.
“I don’t have any other sheets but I can take a shower,” she said.
“You do that, I’ll be back,” Glimmer said. Catra watched as Glimmer teleported away. She sighed and managed to get herself into the bathroom. The shower was an exercise in irritation as she hated getting wet but she did admit she stunk and her usual dry shower routine wouldn’t cut it. She got herself as dry as she could with a few towels that looked clean that had been hanging around the bathroom and a blow dryer that left her a little fluffed up. She heard Glimmer moving around in the room outside and cracked the door open.
“I left some sleep pants and a t-shirt on the doorknob,” Glimmer said without turning around as she took some new sheets and blankets out of their packaging. Catra reached around and dragged the clothes inside and then was outside a few minutes later to see Glimmer fluffing up the pillows.
“You didn’t have to do that,” Catra said.
“At least you didn’t say you weren’t worth the trouble,” Glimmer said. “And yes, I did, because I didn’t want to sleep on your rancid fur covered sheets and I wasn’t sleeping in the chair.”
“It’s not that bad,” Catra said. “I’ve slept a lot in it.”
Catra didn’t say she’d actually passed out in it a lot but she could see Glimmer looking at her and knew that she knew. They stood looking at each other for a moment before Glimmer disappeared into the bathroom. Catra sat down on the edge of the bed and wiped at her eyes. She’d hated Glimmer for so long but to have her in the house and helping her felt good. She didn’t realize just how lonely she’d been until it’d been thrown into stark relief by Glimmer’s presence. She still thought she might hate her but she was willing to put that aside for the moment. Though she’d be damned if she told Glimmer that.
When Glimmer came out in the t-shirt and boxers she’d grabbed at the store, Catra scooted back on the bed, up against the padded back wall of the little niche. She grabbed one of her old blankets, a heavy wool number in muted earth tones that she remembered getting as a wedding present from someone, and tried not to think about that as she wrapped up in it. She covered her face for a moment to hide the tears but it was a short moment.
“You alright?” Glimmer said.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Catra said.
“Good, then scoot over more. I’m not cuddling with you and it’s cold in here,” Glimmer said.
Catra nodded and moved back a little more. Glimmer got into the bed and wrapped up in one of the new blankets, some pink thing with glitter. It wasn’t very late in the evening but both suddenly felt exhausted so Glimmer turned out the lights. From the back of the little niche that the bed sat in, Catra could just see the glow of the aurora faintly lighting the room through the windows. It felt weird to have someone else in the bed with her and maybe it was the booze talking but she didn’t feel so bad all of a sudden.
“Thank you,” Catra whispered.
“You’re welcome,” Glimmer whispered back. It was quiet for so long that Catra was sure that Glimmer had fallen asleep but then she saw Glimmer roll over in the dark and face her.
“What?” Catra said.
“That last argument,” Glimmer said.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Catra said.
“It’s just… I feel the same way you do about the whole thing,” Glimmer said. “I understand how you feel is what I’m trying to say.”
Catra’s ears flicked forward in surprise as she said, “That’s ridiculous.”
“Maybe, but it’s how I feel,” Glimmer said.
“You’re wrong,” Catra said.
“Again, maybe, but it’s how I feel,” Glimmer said again.
The silence started again and soon Catra heard Glimmer’s breathing grow slow and even as she fell asleep. Catra stared out at the room as she felt herself slipping towards sleep.
She doesn't know what she’s talking about. She could be a good mother, Catra thought. Adora probably could as well. Just not me. I’d be a fucking shit show.
The thought brought on the memory of when she’d snapped and started really screaming at Adora in that last argument. They’d been bickering all day, little arguments flaring up that were followed by sullen silences before one or the other would try and speak up just to set off the bickering. They’d been arguing right before dinner when Adora had said, “Why are you against this? We’d need some help but we could do it. I even have a name picked out. Finn. I’d like to call them Finn.”
Catra remembered screaming at Adora about how she was an idiot, dreaming stupid impossible dreams where either one of them could ever be responsible for a child. Then she’d got nasty and Adora had gotten nasty right back, accusations flying fast and furious between the two until they’d gone back to the subject of kids briefly and Catra had said the thing that had sent Adora out the door.
“It’s a beautiful wish, but that’s not for us,” Catra had said, not even thinking about her phrasing.
Now, in the dark of her little house, she forced herself to cry silently. Glimmer shifted a little, settling down into her blanket a little more, either in her sleep or just to try and give Catra some privacy and Catra knew she’d already lost. She missed Adora, she’d always missed Adora, and she knew it would never work out between them but, and she hated to say this, even to herself, Glimmer was right. She needed to settle things with her. She finally slipped into sleep, exhausted but a little relieved that she was finally going to face the problem.