Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

November 17, 2008

All Noelle can think about is the rain.

It was pouring, and Diya was standing under a street lamp, making her almost luminescent in the dark night. It felt like Diya was there one second, and gone the next. A ghost. Noelle still has a hard time believing she was real that night.

But tonight, Noelle sits in her room alone in front of her laptop. It’s far too late, and her overhead light casts a hazy yellow glow over her room. Her curtains are closed, and her laptop battery is at 47%.

She has one last assignment to do and she’ll have all of her schoolwork done. It sits half-complete in front of her. It’s an easy thing, just some menial history assignment, but her thoughts of Diya keep her stagnant.

And she’s seen Diya since that night. It’s been precisely 9 days since then. Noelle’s been counting. She’s not sure why.

She’s tried asking her friend about it. About the rain and the streetlight. It all felt so, so significant to Noelle. Diya just shrugged and said, “don’t even remember what I had for breakfast this morning.”

A notification breaks her train of thought. It’s Akarsha.

Yaoi Seme: frenchman did you see lfadp uploaded :0

Noelle sighs.

LFADP stands for “Letters from a Deaf Poet '' and is a sort of podcast posted to YouTube by an anonymous person. No one knows who it is, but internet sleuths have determined it’s someone who attends the same high school Noelle does. It feels as if everyone around her is obsessed with the mystery. Overall it makes Noelle feel utterly sick.

Noelle: You know I don’t care about that. All of their videos sound like incoherent rambling with an obnoxious voice filter over it.

Yaoi Seme: sure, but isnt it exciting? what if its someone we know !!! what if its me… what if its YOU ?!??! always stay vigilant. always watch your back

Noelle: How could it possibly be me? You are aware of my schedule. You know I have no time to create an internet podcast.

Yaoi Seme: its not a podcast!!!!!!!!! theres visuals sometimes !!!!!!

Noelle: Shadows hardly count as visuals.

Yaoi Seme: youre no fun

Noelle: Maybe so.

She shuts her laptop, electing to finish her assignment when she wakes up. Turning off the light and getting into bed, she tries going to sleep. She tries to quiet her mind. She tries to stop thinking about the night in the rain and the ghost of Diya in the streetlight.

But it is all too loud.

She gets up and brings her laptop to her bed. She opens YouTube and finds the newest upload from Letters from a Deaf Poet. She doesn’t know what compels her to it, but she feels it’s significant. Everything feels significant since the rain.

There’s no video with this one, only audio. The speaker, the “Poet”, as their fans call them, has a terrible voice effect over the entire video that continually pitches their voice up and down over and over again. She has to keep the volume low, making sure there’s zero chance her parents could catch her up so late. She can barely hear what the Poet is saying, but it’s gibberish anyway.

They go on to complain about their math class, and then afterwards detail the differences between alligators and crocodiles. Everyone in the comments is trying to rationalize the Poet’s thoughts and stick theories to their words. Noelle nearly types a comment herself, feeling as though she needs to put everyone in their place, explain how stupid they all are for giving themselves over to a dumb internet conspiracy. She decides against doing this, and closes her laptop. 

She shuts her eyes and forces herself asleep. She dreams of rain, and feels as though she’s willed it into existence.

November 18, 2008

Diya’s staring glumly at her gray chicken sandwich until Noelle sits across from her at the lunch table. Diya beams at her, and Noelle considers melting on the floor.

Their silence is ruined when Akarsha comes barreling towards them. She nearly trips and lands face first on the table, but catches herself, making a big show of holding her arms out in front of her and stabilizing herself before speaking.

“Greetings comrades. I come from a faraway planet and have cloned your friend ‘Akarsha Anand’, and I am that clone. Please do as I say and she will be returned to you.” Akarsha bows, and stands ominously beside their lunch table.

Noelle scoffs, “Your dumb mind games aren’t gonna work, Anand. We know it’s you in there. I’ve had the displeasure of getting to know you myself, I can read you from  a mile away.”

Akarsha quirks an eyebrow, dropping the fake alien voice she had put on, “I don’t think that’s true, Frenchman.”

“And why is that?” Noelle asks, turning to look at her. Akarsha pauses before picking up a fist full of grass and sprinkling it on her own head. Noelle scowls, “... What are you doing?”

“Bet you didn’t see that coming,” Akarsha says, smiling.

“I guess not,” Noelle blinks, and turns away from her. Akarsha shakes the grass out of her hair and sits next to her.

“Man, I've been saying you’re no fun. We need to get you out more. Get a hobby that isn’t school. Hold hands with someone. Fun things.”

“Everything you just listed sounds miserable and underwhelming.”

“Not true! You’re a real stick in the mud, you know. How did I get cursed with such boring friends?”

“You could always get different friends,” Noelle says, and Diya’s face falls. Noelle makes a mental note to apologize to her for it later.

Akarsha pretends to sob, “What a cruel, uncaring world I inhabit. An uncaring life for poor me.” She throws her head to the side dramatically, resting her arm on her forehead forlornly.

Diya looks at her, “... You okay?”

Akarsha opens her eyes to grin at her, “Yes I’m over it now. Anyway did you guys listen to the newest episode of LFADP last night?”

“No,” Noelle lies.

“No,” Diya truths.

“Well you guys should . I don’t understand what’s not to like about it. It has mystery and meaning, two best traits something can have in my opinion, which is the most important of all opinions. It’s the most exciting thing to happen to our school since I got here! Don’t you guys wanna know who’s behind it?”

“No,” Noelle starts, “I feel as though they just want to be left alone, and if they don’t, I don’t think they’re the type of person I’d want to be around anyway. They’re probably crazy. And there is no ‘meaning’ behind their videos, it’s just some random person talking into a microphone for ten minutes. It’s also unlikely to be someone we know. We’re freshmen, we don’t know anyone.”

Diya nods, “Videos are too long.”

“Well,” Akarsha scoffs, “I’ll prove to you that it’s cool and meaningful. You two, my place this weekend. I’ll show you guys all the theories and meanings and everything.” The bell rings, Akarsha stands and starts walking away, “You won’t regret it!”

Diya looks at Noelle, “Guess we have plans now.”

“I really don’t want to do that,” Noelle sighs.

“Me neither,” Diya stands, taking her lunch tray up with her, “but I think you owe it to her. For what you said.”

Noelle stands, breaking eye contact with Diya and gathering up her bag, “Yes of course. I’m sorry.”

“Say it to her… um… please.” Diya walks away, and Noelle watches as she does so.

Noelle doesn’t want to apologize to Akarsha, she didn’t seem hurt by her comment. And she didn’t mean it, not really. Did she? 

November 21, 2008

It’s 12:47 AM, and Noelle has her laptop with her on her bed.

Her comforter is wrapped around her, only leaving a space for her eyes to peek through and hands to be free, her computer balancing on her knees. She’s been feeling more and more cold recently, like she’s been stricken with some disease. It’s not the weather’s fault, it’s remained between 60 and 70 every day for the past month.

She decides to push this problem to the back of her mind for later, stored away with all of the other ones. She types “YouTube” into the search bar, and listens to the first ever episode of Letters from a Deaf Poet. 

She doesn’t know what specifically draws her to the channel, the only logical reason is hatred. She hates the Poet, and she hates all of the idiots who worship them. That’s it. The first episode is definitely the worst, it has to be. She just needs more reason to hate this whole concept. That’s it.

The video loads, and begins with the sounds of the Poet fumbling with their microphone. They’re just some bumbling idiot, that’s all. Of course.

They speak, a voice filter making it sound as though the Poet has inhaled helium, “Um… hallo. I am Letters from a Deaf Poet. You don’t need to know anything else about me. My goal here is to read off some letters I am too afraid to send.”

Noelle pauses the video. Letters. Letters? Of course letters, it’s in the name. Though the most recent upload wasn’t a letter…

She clicks into the channel and scrolls, counting up all of the videos. Over 50 of them. Must run out of people to write to eventually .

She clicks back into the video, pressing play. “For starters, I love you. And I know that doesn’t mean much to you, but I feel I don’t say it enough, and you need to hear it more. I love you, and nobody scares me but you. Or maybe everyone scares me but you? You’re the meanest person I know, and I think I would be dead if I never met you. You’re everything to me, and I am nothing at all to you. Or maybe it’s the opposite. I think it depends on the day. And I think you’re sick. And I think you need help. And I can’t provide that to you, and for that I’m sorry. I wish you’d depend on me, and I wish you would leave me alone. Most days I don’t like you at all, but I’ll never tell you that. Sorry. I would be nothing without you. Um…” the Poet stops speaking, and there is silence for two minutes. They come back to say bye, and the video ends. 

Noelle stares at her computer screen, and she briefly considers smashing it, before remembering consequences exist.

She hates that there is actually meaning to the Poet’s words, she hates that the term “poet” actually does apply, even if their poetry isn’t very good. She hates that she wants to know who the Poet is. She hates that Akarsha was right, and most of all she hates that she was wrong.

She lays down to sleep, burrowing under her blankets in a rough attempt to find warmth, and wills herself to not care about any of it.

November 22, 2008

Akarsha’s house has always felt like the safest place one can be.

It’s lively here in a way her own house is not. One can tell immediately how much her family likes each other. A plethora of family photos featuring smiling family members paint the walls of her home. Noelle can’t say she’s familiar with this particular phenomenon.

She had received a text to just make a beeline for Akarsha’s room when she got there, and she does as she’s told. She can hear her laughing from down the hallway, and something about the noise makes her want to rip her own heart out. 

She opens the door and a cacophony of noise spills out and washes over her. Akarsha gasps and gawks at her excitedly, pulling her into her room like a child would pull their mother into a toy store. Diya is lying on her stomach on the floor, and smiles at Noelle gently, giving her a small wave.

Noelle sits and thanks Akarsha for inviting her, trying her hardest to push down the fact that she doesn’t want to be here.

Akarsha presents a white grocery bag to her friends, “Now that everyone is here, we can dig into the finest snacks found in my own kitchen. You’re welcome. No need to thank me. But do, also.”

Noelle peers into the bag. It's a colorful mess of sugary snacks and cracker-based things. “No thank you.”

Akarsha screams very loudly for one second before asking why not.

“I’m… not hungry.”

Akarsha nods solemnly, “Ah of course… we all get that way around that time of the month.”

Noelle scowls at her, “What is wrong with you? I feel sick just sitting next to you. If I wasn’t trying to be a good friend, I would leave right this instant.”

Akarsha waves her off, “But you won’t, because you love me.”

Noelle goes to say something until she catches a glimpse of Diya, who is looking at her sadly. She takes a deep breath, “I have only been allowed two hours at your house, Anand. May we please get through what it is you want to show us?”

Akarsha giggles maniacally before standing and gesturing for Diya and Noelle to follow her. She leads them to the family computer, and the three huddle around it. Akarsha makes quick work of the search engine and keyboard, quickly finding what she wants and putting it into full screen.

“This is like… the essential video to get to know LFADP. This has all of the basics,” Akarsha starts. The video has some generic royalty-free music in the background, and is what appears to be a slideshow detailing key events in certain episodes of the podcast. 

The video goes through the first ten episodes, which all appear to be the actual letters themselves. Fans of the podcast have deduced that every letter is to a different person, but each person in these letters is referenced in later episodes. Fans have also deduced that the person who episode one’s letter is dedicated to is the most important in the Poet’s life, as they are referenced the most in later episodes outside of the main ten. Though the person referenced in the second episode also appears to be very important, and fans argue over whether the Poet is talking about letter one or two in certain episodes.

Some of the letters appear to be addressed to family members, likely the Poet’s parents as they are a student who attends the same highschool Noelle does, a fact Noelle still doesn’t understand how fans of the Poet know.

The video also details that there’s a strong animal motif that appears throughout the episodes after the main ten letters, and that the Poet hasn’t had an episode where they don’t mention one since the main ten. They mostly reference pet animals, like dogs and cats, but will mention other things as well. Like the alligators and crocodiles.

It all seems so pointless.

Noelle reaches over Akarsha’s shoulder and presses the spacebar, reaching her desired outcome of pausing the video. “I still don’t understand why these people care so much about this ‘Poet’ person. Are they not just someone talking about their life and uploading it to YouTube?”
Akarsha taps her temple, closing her eyes, “Ah but Frenchman, that is what YouTube is all about. Hearing people talk about their lives. Except with this, we don’t know what the person looks like or sounds like. And we know they go to our school. How is that not exciting to you?”

Noelle shakes her head, “It all feels like a gross invasion of privacy. I wouldn’t want people on the internet to know what school I go to. Honestly, the ‘Poet’ seems rather stupid. These people online are incredibly close to figuring out who they are, and what happens when they do? What if it puts us in danger?”

“You’re focusing too much on the negatives, man. You just gotta go with the flow, focus on the positives. It’ll make you feel better, my baguette.”

Noelle presses a finger to Akarsha’s forehead, “I am not your baguette, and this is not a positive. I’m thinking critically. If this Poet stuff gets out of hand, we , the students, could be put in danger. A crazy fan could show up at our school and threaten the student body, forcing the Poet to out themself to give them their way. The Poet is a lunatic, and so is everyone who gives themselves to this garbage.”

“Oui,” Akarsha says, closing her eyes and shaking her head, “you have a point. But you’re not going to sway me. I’m in too deep. I need to follow through with this until the end.”

“But this isn’t a story, this is someone’s real life.”

Akarsha puts a hand on Noelle’s shoulder, “Yes I know that. Honestly, I don’t want the Poet’s true identity to ever be found out, unless they tell us themself. I want it to keep going forever. The fun is the mystery.”

Noelle nods, “I suppose so… wait.” She looks around. Akarsha’s family computer sits in the corner of an entryway. The desk it sits on is covered in papers and pens and junk mail. There’s little natural light here, and the desk lamp illuminates only what is under it. It’s all normal except… “Where is Diya?”

Akarsha sits up, alarmed. She scans the room by swiveling her head, similar to a meerkat. Noelle’s heart feels like it’s imploding, and she runs to Akarsha’s room, hoping to find Diya there. She isn’t. She’s gone, and there was no sign she was ever here in the first place.

Like a ghost.

“Noelle…!” Akarsha shouts. Noelle peeks her head from out her friends room, not wanting to fully commit to exiting, as she feels on the verge of tears. “Dude, Diya just messaged the group chat, she said she wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to give us something if she was sick.”

Noelle makes her way back to the Anand’s family computer, and looks at the screen where Diya’s message sits. 

Diya: went home, sorry. not feeling well. took your snacks, hope thats ok. don’t wanna give you what i have if i have something :(

Noelle grimaces at the screen, “That’s weird. She didn’t appear sickly a few minutes ago.”

“Yes well… we all know how it is at that time of the month.”

Noelle grabs a pen and pokes Akarsha firmly in the arm with it, “I won’t hesitate to do more damage with this if you say another word regarding that subject.”

Akarsha laughs, pushing Noelle’s penciled hand away, “And what is that supposed to mean? Are you going to shove it up my ass?”

Noelle’s face morphs, “NO! Why would I ever do that? You disgusting cretin, you absolute imbecile, you…”

Noelle has every intention to keep insulting Akarsha, but her heart isn’t in it. Akarsha grabs her shoulder firmly, it hurts. “Hey, Diya will be okay. I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about.”

Noelle smiles at Akarsha, tight-lipped and far from earnest, but it’s a smile.

Outside, it begins to rain.

November 23, 2008

Noelle: Akarsha, I have a question.

Yaoi Seme: what is it my love :)

Noelle: Do not call me that.

Noelle: It is about Letters from a Deaf Poet.

*Yaoi Seme has changed their name to Love Master*

Love Master: OMG

Love Master: FINALLY

Love Master: UOUVE SEEN HOW GOOD LFADP IS

Noelle: No.

Noelle: I simply am curious as to how people online know they go to our school. We didn’t get to finish that video you made us watch before Diya left.

Love Master: ah yes, im glad you asked

Love Master: and im honored and… a bit flustered (uwu) by the fact you decided to ask me instead of looking it up yourself :)

Noelle: Yes that is true. I will go do that.

Love Master: NONOMNIJONONO WAIT COME BACK

Love Master: ill tell you XD

Love Master: so

Love Master: it was basically a lot of little things. in this one episode they mentioned something that was only in our town, and then they mentioned having classes and being a high school student, and then they mentioned a specific event that happened at our school. people also looked at upload times and determined it would make the most sense for them to be in our timezone, and the poets new twitter account 100% confirmed that. people put it all together, and the poet didn’t deny any of it. so thats how

Noelle: I’m sorry, but they don’t appear to be the brightest. If they really don’t want to be caught, shouldn’t they be planning these things out more? Why don’t they have a script they can edit and revise to ensure they won’t get found out? I doubt it would take more time than editing the video and audio already does.

Love Master: i guess… theyre only human. and if they go to our school, theyre probably loaded with homework. why add more on top of it for their hobby? i wouldnt

Noelle: This is true, but it still feels like an easy fix. The whole point of it is to stay anonymous, correct?

Love Master: ya thats what they want. go listen to episode um

Love Master: episode 30

Love Master: they talk about all of that in that one

Noelle: I will do that, thank you.

Love Master: i would die for you ;)

Noelle: Do not do that.

Noelle closes out of the chat screen, and opens up YouTube. The Poet’s videos are the first thing recommended to her, the search bar displaying purple letters featuring the title of their channel, almost mockingly it sits there. Teasing her for the fact that, just a few days ago, she couldn’t care less about the Poet and the mystery surrounding them. Now she’s been sucked into its orbit. Her search history tainted by all of it. She makes a mental note to erase it later.

She looks up the thirtieth episode, and clicks into it.

It opens with an overhead view of some sort of desk or table, the Poet’s hands are visible. They’re wearing black gloves and some sort of black hoodie or sweater, concealing any detail that could possibly give away their physical appearance. The Poet moves their hands as they speak, and layered vocal effects are present throughout the whole thing.

“I didn’t think anyone was going to care about these videos. I started them out with a purpose but now I kinda just say whatever… sorry. I try to put effort into masking who I am. I don’t talk like this in real life, I talk slower and with more words here, try to really… throw people off my scent… like a dog or… nevermind.

I don’t want to be famous. I don’t want anyone to pay attention to me or listen to me talk at all really. Online, I mean. Real life is different. Of course. Um… I’m too far into this though, and I guess I feel like I owe it to all of you to keep going? To really… 

Just. Please don’t seek me out. You know what school I go to and that’s scary enough… don’t look for me. Don’t theorize about who I could be, don’t come here. If you all figure out who I am, I’m gonna disappear. Online and in real life. I do not want to be famous. I do not want to be famous. I do not want to be famous.”

The video stops after ten seconds of silence, and Noelle feels haunted.

The Poet seemed distraught, desperate, even. Desperate for normalcy, desperate for people to just listen . No one is listening. People are still theorizing. It won’t stop… will it?

Noelle feels like she knows how this story ends. She feels powerless to stop it. 

She doesn’t want to admit to wanting to help someone so foolish, but she does. It struck a chord in her, somewhere deep and familiar. She isn’t sure what.

The Poet does plan things out, they do try their hardest to be careful, but it’s not enough. It will never be enough to escape from the internet’s hungry jaws, always begging for scraps and gnawing on bones, whittling them down to nothing.

She doesn’t want to see the Poet whittled down to nothing, she wants them to stop making the podcast. For their own safety, and to prove a point.

At least, that’s what she would do if she were the Poet.

But she is not.

She cannot save them.

November 24, 2008

Noelle wakes up from another dream about the rain.

She dreams of that night often, it follows her and haunts her, tugging at her thoughts when she is trying to concentrate. She wishes it would stop, and she wishes Diya felt as strongly about that night as she did.

Though, Noelle may not have even been visible to Diya. Diya was under a street lamp, Noelle was not. The rain was heavy, and it was dark. Who’s to say Noelle wasn’t just a shadow in the darkness, nothing in the abyss? Who’s to say she was real that night? Who’s to say it ever happened at all?

She doesn’t know anymore.

She’s back at school, and back at her designated lunch table. Everything is spinning.

All she does anymore is go to her required mealtime, and go home and think about the rain and the podcast. What happened in her A block? She doesn’t remember. She wants Diya here, because Diya always takes her food and doesn’t ask questions. She wants to go home. She wants to go to class. She wants to go to Akarsha’s house. She does not want lunch time.

Diya waves her hand in front of her face, making her blink.

“... You okay?” Diya asks.

Noelle nods.

She doesn’t recall watching Diya sit down. She wasn’t there one moment, and is now. Akarsha is not here.

“Should eat something.”

Noelle looks at her closed lunchbox. “I’m… not hungry. You can have it.”

She hands the thing to Diya, who looks at her like she just told her her dog died. Diya’s all eyes and eyebrows, lips pointed down slightly. But she does not push Noelle further, just like she knew she wouldn’t.

Akarsha appears suddenly, jumping onto the lunch table as if it’s a soft surface. It is not, she nearly falls over the entire thing. “Wassup homies.” Diya and Noelle look at her. “Tough crowd, I get it, I get it. Hey, Frenchman.”

Akarsha sits, turning her attention towards Noelle. “What is it this time, Anand?”

“You’re interested in LFADP now…”

“I would not say that. I am more so interested in the psychology surrounding the whole project. Such as why the ‘Poet’ acts the way they do, and why so many people online are fascinated by it.”

Akarsha shakes her head, somber. “The first stage of grief is denial…”

Noelle furrows her brow, “I’m not grieving?!”

“Well of course you are. You’re grieving your best friend, who died in a tragic library accident two years ago… wake up Noelle… it’s time to wake up.”

Noelle stands, pointing at Akarsha and yelling, “I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU! YOU ABSOLUTE MONSTER! DIYA IS NOT DEAD, SHE IS SITTING RIGHT THERE! I AM NOT IN A COMA!”

Akarsha remains seated as if nothing happened. “I don’t know… what do you think, Diya?”

Diya looks to the side, “‘M not dead.”

“Well that settles it,” Akarsha says, closing her eyes and shrugging her shoulders, “Diya’s been alive this whole time.”

Noelle is shaking, but she manages to lower her voice, “Of course she has.”

“Welp!” Akarsha starts, banging her hands on the table, “I’ve got places to be. Catch you two babes on the flippity flip.” She shoots them finger guns before turning away.

Noelle sighs and looks back at Diya, who is staring her down, making her jump. “Diya, why are you looking at me like that? You scared me.”

Diya continues to stare for a moment longer, before looking away, “Nothing. Have you apologized to Akarsha yet?”

Noelle considers lying, fearing what Diya is going to say when she learns the truth, but she knows she’ll be able to see through her anyway, so there is no point. “No.”

Diya looks back at her, “Please do.” She grabs her lunch tray and walks off with it, leaving just Noelle’s empty lunchbox on the table.

She breathes out. She survived another lunch period, and was given minimal homework.

~~

It’s night again, and the ghosts of Diya under the lamppost are back to haunt her.

The rain was soaking her clothes. Diya’s too, but she wanted out of the rain. Diya did not. Diya basked in the rain. The street light cast a halo over her head, making her skin shine with the added moisture. Her eyes were practically glowing. Noelle remained in the darkness.

She decides to distract herself with Akarsha instead of lingering on old thoughts.

She opens her laptop and clicks into their private chat.

Noelle: Akarsha.

Love Master: NOELLEEE HAIII HAIII HAIII ^_^

Noelle: Yes, hello.

Noelle: I need to talk to you.

Love Master: omagerd… you’re here to admit you’re in love with meh 0_0

Noelle: No.

Noelle: I am here to apologize.

Love Master: wat

Love Master: for what XD

Noelle: I can’t say I am entirely sure.

Noelle: Diya wanted me to.

Love Master: um… ok

Noelle: I believe it has something to do with me being a bad friend. Diya thinks I am mean to you. I want to apologize in case I have hurt your feelings in the past.

Love Master: frenchie that is the most backhanded…

Love Master: ok, apology accepted

Noelle: Thank you.

Love Master: IF you can do something for meeee

Noelle: What is it?

Love Master: our school has an orchestra concert coming up. we need a pianist for one of our pieces but havent found one yet… i know this cool french guy who plays piano

Love Master: (you’re the cool french guy)

Noelle: What? When is it?

Love Master: december first. its some bullshit christmas concert. we tried telling our teacher that only like half of us celebrate christmas, but he wouldnt budge. so were doing christmas songs. only one of them has piano, you wouldnt even have to be on stage very long

December first. That gives her a little less than a week to memorize and plan for the thing.

But it’s one song, it can’t be hard.

Noelle: I’ll do it.

Love Master: REALLY??????

Love Master: holy shit ok

Love Master: ill go to the orchestra room first thing tomorrow and get you the sheet music and tell my teacher about what a good penis you are. really sing your praises ya know

Love Master: i meant pianist ;)

Love Master: and then you’ll have all of thanksgiving break to work on it!!

Noelle: Yes that would be helpful, thank you.

Noelle exits out of the chat, and closes her computer.

She isn’t afraid of playing the piano in front of people. She’s had piano recitals since she was practically a fetus. But this one is going to have students there, ones from her school specifically. And that both terrifies and exhilarates her. What if the Poet is there? What if she messes up and they mention her performance in an episode? Or what if she does amazing and they mention her for that instead?

She shakes the thought out of her head. They seem to be a recluse. They aren’t going to be there. Her part is small, and even if they were there, she isn’t important enough to mention.

Yes, of course, that is the most logical way of thinking.

Noelle breathes in, and stands from her desk. She walks over to her window, and stares down at the street below. The street lights dot the sidewalk periodically, and, while Diya isn’t here now, it is as if she is. If Noelle wanted, she’s very sure she could run outside right now and find Diya under one of the street lights. She would be there, because she would be expecting her to be there.

Noelle does not do this, and instead gets into bed and curls up with Snakey, sleeping until her alarm wakes her.

November 25, 2008

It’s lunch again, and Akarsha is currently sprinting towards Noelle and Diya and their lunch table.

She stops before crashing into it, resting her hands on her knees and breathing heavily, out of breath. She holds up a packet of stapled papers above her head, waving them around for emphasis.

“Here you go my lady. One sheet music… two sheet music? It’s the sheet music. You’re in. You’re playing.”

Noelle takes the packet from Akarsha’s hands, “First of all, you didn’t have to sprint here, and second of all, I’m not your lady.”

Akarsha looks up, “Okay… my lord.”

Noelle scrunches up her nose at her, but doesn’t comment. She flips through the packet. The first two pieces of paper have the song she’s playing printed on them. It’s simple, shouldn’t be too hard to memorize. The third page has sheet music for a piece of a song entitled “L’s Theme”. Noelle points to it, “What is this one?”

Akarsha smiles and shrugs, “Only the best piano piece ever made. It’s not part of the concert, but you should learn it.”

“This appears to only be a fraction of the song… I don’t trust you.”

“That part is all you need, trust me.”

Noelle opens her bag sitting next to her and neatly puts the music inside a folder, “I see. Thank you.”

Akarsha beams at her and gives her a thumbs up, “No problem, Bobbem.”

“Bobbem?”

“It’s long for Bob.”

“No it is not.”

The two stare at each other for a while before Akarsha sits and directs her attention towards Diya, “Diya! My favorite giant! How’s it hangin’?”

Diya jumps as if she wasn’t expecting anyone to talk to her. “Oh… fine.”

Akarsha looks her up and down, “Are you sure? You look not fine, not capeesh. You kinda look like shit, honestly.” Noelle elbows Akarsha, hard. “Ow! I’m just telling the truth!”

Diya blinks, “Oh yeah. Haven’t gotten much sleep recently.” She smiles at Akarsha lazily, “Just tired.”

Akarsha nods, “I understand the struggle. You can always nap on me if you need.”

Diya frowns at her, “No thanks.”

“Can’t blame a girl for trying! I gotta head out, I’ve got… stuff to do. Library stuff.”

Noelle smiles, picturing the book tag sewed into Akarsha’s backpack setting off the alarms in the library and she feels very suddenly proud of herself. “Have fun.”

Akarsha waves, “Thank you…?”

She leaves towards the library and Noelle giggles to herself. Diya raises an

eyebrow, “What?”

“I sewed a library tag inside Akarsha’s backpack so the alarms will go off every time she exits the library.”

Diya looks at her blankly, “Why would you do that?”

“I thought it’d be funny, and it is.”

“Okay. What’s the concert you were talking about?”

Noelle sighs, “Akarsha roped me into playing piano for one of the songs at a Christmas concert the school is holding on December first. The orchestra is playing, and one of their songs includes a piano accompaniment.”

“Christmas concert?”

“Yes… Akarsha told me the orchestra tried telling their teacher that around half of their class don’t celebrate Christmas, but he wouldn’t budge.”

Diya nods. “Sucks… did you uh… apologize.”

Noelle smiles, “Yes, I did. She took it well.

Diya smiles back at her, “Thank you.”

And it was the first time Noelle hadn’t left a lunch period where she felt like keeling over in a long, long time.

November 26, 2008

It’s Diya’s birthday, and Noelle has not gotten her anything.

It is also the first day of Thanksgiving break. Akarsha had made a comment about Diya’s birthday landing with perfect timing. Diya didn’t even remember her birthday was so soon. Noelle did.

She and Akarsha had somehow managed to cross paths on the way to Diya’s house, much to Noelle’s dismay. Akarsha spent the walk there asking her ridiculous questions (would you rather have a foot for a hand or a hand for a foot?) and telling awful knock knock jokes that made no sense to Noelle.

Noelle was elated when they finally reached the Soma household, and she practically skips to the door to ring the doorbell.

Diya opens the door tentatively, peering through the gap between the door and the wall to ensure it was in fact her friends as opposed to less savory company. She beams at the sight of them, and immediately pulls Noelle into a hug.

Noelle goes stiff and gently pats Diya on the back, “Yes, hello. Happy birthday.”

Diya pulls away and gestures for the two to follow. “What? Where’s my hug?” Akarsha complains.

Diya turns to face her, expressionless. She pats her on the head twice, and resumes her path towards her room.

Akarsha pumps a fist in the air, “I’ll take it!”

~~

Diya’s room is too small for her.

It’s cramped with the three of them in it, if a fourth person were to join them it’d turn into a fire hazard.

Her bed is twin sized, and her desk is shoved next to it. The walls and carpet share the same color, and a bookshelf rests opposite her bed, surely having the ability to fall on top of her in her sleep were an earthquake to strike and shake the place.

Noelle’s only been here a few times in their decade of friendship, but it looks exactly the same as it always has. Diya doesn’t like change, Noelle has found.

She’s drawn to Diya’s desk. Her mouse and lamp sit on the left hand side of her laptop, a cheap looking swivel chair haphazardly tucked into the underside. Noelle straightens the chair out, and her eyes are drawn to the wooden pattern on her desk.

She traces a finger over the wooden ringlets as if it’s a normal thing to do. It feels familiar, she isn’t sure why. Akarsha stops ogling Diya and her tiny room, and locks eyes on her laptop.

“Woah you have your own laptop!” She rushes over and picks it up, but Diya quickly snatches it out of her hands before she has the chance to open it, holding it close to her chest. Akarsha smiles and laughs to herself, “What? Do you have some weird porn on there or something?”

Diya looks to the side for a beat before looking back at her, “If I say yes will you leave it alone?”

Akarsha throws her hands up, “Hey man, I’m not gonna kinkshame you. Soooooo birthday Diya. New Diya variant. What’re we gonna do for your big fourteenth? It’s a big occasion. It’s the year Harry put his name into the Goblet of Fire and Dumbledore ‘spoke calmly’ and everything.”

Diya looks up at the ceiling, smiling slightly to herself at the fact that she understood one of Akarsha’s jokes for once. “Not sure.”

Akarsha sputters and waves her arms in circles, nearly hitting Noelle in the face in the process. “What do you mean you’re not sure?! It’s your birthday! Most important day of the year, only behind my own birthday of course. You’re a whole year closer to dying!”

Diya blinks, “I guess… it’s just a day.”

“But it’s not! It’s your birthday! We have to do something!”

“If I may interrupt,” Noelle interrupts, “my parents only gave me until five P.M. before I need to be home. We only have four hours, less than that if you’re counting travel time.”

Akarsha waves her off, “Pshhhh that’s plenny o’time. Plenny.”

Noelle’s face falls, “Plenty.”

Akarsha nods, “Yeah sure whatever you want! In any case, Diya, homie, let's go out and find something to do.”

Noelle considers complaining about walking more today, but decides against it. It’s Diya’s birthday. Diya deserves anything she wants.

Diya gently puts her laptop down on her desk and stands in front of it, making sure neither of her friends can take hold of it again, “... We got cupcakes. For us to share.” She smiles shyly.

This is worse. This is far worse than walking. Noelle would walk a million miles over doing this. But it’s Diya’s birthday. It’s Diya’s birthday, that’s all that matters. If she focuses on that, she will be okay.

Akarsha raises both hands in the air triumphantly, “Cupcakes! Best day ever! See! You get treats just for living another day! A special day! Your birthday!”

Noelle smiles internally at Akarsha’s enthusiasm. It disgusts her, obviously, but the fact that someone is being nice to Diya is refreshing. She won’t tell either of them this, and instead locks the offending feeling away into her mind vault.

The three head downstairs and are greeted by Diya’s parents. They’re both unfairly attractive and equally as awkward as their daughter. They stare at the three, not knowing how to start the conversation. Akarsha does so for them.

“‘Sup home slices. We are in your home and you are slices. Of what you may ask? Anything you want of course. Pizza… pie. A pizza pie. Whatever you want. These are my friends Diya and Noelle, not sure if you’re familiar.”

Diya puts her face in her hands and walks off to the kitchen, hiding behind a wall.

Diya’s mom stares at Akarsha for a moment, not sure how to respond, “Yes… we are… familiar.”

Akarsha gives her two thumbs up, “Cool cool cool. Coolio. Cool beans. Cool bananas, if you want. I’m gonna go eat cupcakes now, Diya said you had some. You know Diya, right?”

Diya’s mom nods, and Noelle takes hold of Akarsha’s ear and drags her into the kitchen by it before she can embarrass herself and or Diya any further. “What is wrong with you?” Noelle whispers.

“Who? Me? I was trying to make a good impression! No one was gonna say anything and that was super awks so I had to ease the tension. You know how it is.”

Noelle cringes, “Do not say that.”

“Say what?”

“You know what.”

Akarsha shrugs, “If you say so.”

Diya appears suddenly, holding the plastic shell encasing a dozen cupcakes out to her friends, one is missing, already eaten in the time it took to get Akarsha away from her parents.

Akarsha woops before taking a chocolate one, immediately sinking her teeth into it. She didn’t bother to unwrap some of it first, and some of the paper is included in her bite. Diya and Noelle stare at her.

“What?” She asks, mouth full of cupcake, “Extra fiber. For my bowels.”

Noelle closes her eyes and presses her fingers to her temples, “That is not how that works and you know it.”

Diya presses the cupcakes to Noelle’s arm gently, urging her to take one.  Noelle carefully removes a vanilla one, making sure to not get any frosting on her fingers. “Thank you.”

Diya smiles at her and Noelle feels guilty. She is not going to eat the cupcake, but she can try to pretend. For Diya. Because it is her birthday.

Diya places the cupcakes back on the counter, and Akarsha strikes up a conversation with her. Noelle pretends she isn’t extremely grateful for this happenstance.

“Diya what do you know about LFADP? You’ve gotta be a little curious, right?”

Diya looks down, “Nothing. Don’t care about it.”

Akarsha groans, “You gotta know something! They go to our school! You’re both deaf, isn’t that like, cool or something?”

“Are they even deaf?”

Akarsha nods, eager to talk about it, “Yeah! They tweeted about it yesterday. Something about how you don’t have to have zero hearing to be deaf.”

Diya nods, “Cool I guess. Nice to have someone like me around.”

The two drone on and Noelle stops listening. She’s cradling her cupcake in her hands in a way that makes it invisible to Diya and Akarsha. She stares at the frosting, swirled on top of the cake like a whirlpool. It’s as if it’s spinning, going around and around in circles, hypnotizing her.

The corners of her vision start to get blurry until she can’t see at all. The floor beneath her slips away, and there is no noise. She rubs the paper holding the pastry with her thumb, its smooth edges proving to be close to comforting. She could give herself a paper cut with it if she wanted to.

Someone says her name, she isn’t sure who, and her senses return to their proper locations.

She looks up, her friends are staring at her expectantly. “Apologies. What is the matter?”

“We’re gonna go,” Akarsha says, “you coming?” She laughs to herself as if she made a joke. Noelle doesn’t get it, but she perks up nonetheless, happy to finally be allowed to leave the kitchen.

“Yes, of course.”

Diya and Akarsha start walking, and Noelle quietly throws the cupcake away, being sure to have it rest face down so no one can see its uneaten nature.

~~

Though Diya claimed to not have a plan for today, she is clearly leading her friends somewhere.

The sun is shining, and the temperature is moderate. There is no wind, and there are no clouds. Trees dot house lawns, under one of them lay a dog. It lounges in the shade while its owner smokes on the deck. Diya stops to admire the dog. Noelle does not know what breed it is, but she’s certain Diya does.

They continue walking, Noelle falls behind Diya’s pace, growing tired. Akarsha falls back with her.

“Psst,” Akarsha whispers.

“Why are you whispering?”

Akarsha shakes her head, “Do you know where we’re going?”

“I do not.”

They come up to a dog park, and Noelle smiles, “Of course. This is the perfect place.”

Diya looks at the thing as if she didn’t notice it was there, “Oh…” she rubs the back of her neck, “not… not here.” She continues past it.

Noelle frowns. The dog park is green and lively, separated into two sections for big and small dogs. It feels like the sort of place Diya would love. She trusts her judgment nonetheless and follows her still away from it.

Finally, they approach a place housing bleachers surrounded by a high chain link fence.

A baseball game. Diya has taken them to a baseball game.

Akarsha grimaces, “Baseball?” Diya gives her a look. “... Is something I knew you liked and am eager to experience with you! This is just like Daiya no Ace , it'll be fun!

Diya nods, “Sure.”

She leads the two into the stands and sits in a corner where her deaf ear is facing away from the crowd and field. Spending her time as a spectator at a baseball game is one of the last things Noelle would like to be spending her time doing, but it shouldn’t take long, and it’s Diya’s birthday. Perhaps she can calculate the velocity of the ball in the sand under her feet while watching.

Akarsha stands, “I’m gonna go to the concession stand, the best part of any sport ball game thing bee tee dubs. I’ve got like three whole dollars. Do you guys want anything?”

Diya gets up and pushes Akarsha back down, heading there herself. Noelle grabs her arm, “Diya, wait-!” She looks at her, “Are you sure? I can accompany you if you would prefer.”

Diya shakes her head and walks off. Noelle blinks.

Akarhsa turns to her wildly, “I didn’t know Diya liked baseball. That’s very… you know.”

“I can’t say I do know. But yes. Diya has been into baseball since she was around five years old. She hasn’t been on an actual baseball team for a while, but I know she’s signed up as a stand in for several local teams. Something like that. I don’t know much about it; it’s always appeared to be a personal thing to her.”

Akarsha smiles mischievously, “Is she the pitcher or catcher?”

Noelle gestures towards the field, “She stands behind the… the swinging place.”

“Swinging place?” Akarsha snorts. “So she’s the catcher?”

“Yes. That is the correct term. How do you know so much about baseball?”

Akarsha shrugs, “Like I said, Daiya no Ace . Also my dad watches it sometimes. He heard it’s ‘America’s favorite pastime’ once and suddenly he was a huge fan of it.”

Noelle nods, “How very patriotic of him.”

“He tries to be.”

The two stare at the field. Neither have any idea what’s going on, but it doesn’t appear to be much. The players on the field take turns running and swinging, it all seems very pointless. Noelle is sure she could rewrite the rules of the game to make it more interesting were she handed a rulebook.

Suddenly, Akarsha grabs hold of Noelle’s shoulder and shakes her, yelling quietly. Noelle shrieks, “What? What is wrong with you?”

“Do you think the Poet is here?”

Noelle scoffs, “What? Probably not. Do we know if they like baseball?”

“No… we don’t know really anything about their interests. I think life here is more interesting though if I pretend the Poet is wherever I am.”

She’s staring at Noelle intensely, and there’s something in her eyes she can’t place. Does she know something I don’t? “I see,” is all Noelle says, but maybe in another life she would’ve admitted she does the same thing, pretending she’s important enough to catch the Poet’s eye.

Diya appears behind Akarsha, making both her and Noelle jump. She steps over their legs and returns to her section of the bleachers, passing each of them a small bag of chips. 

“How did you get these? Did you bring money?” Noelle asks.

Diya shakes her head, “They know me, give me free stuff.”

“Oh…” Noelle pauses. Why didn’t she know this? It feels significant, an important part of Diya’s life that she knew nothing about, a fraction of a decade that completely slipped through her fingers. How many more things about Diya are there that I am completely clueless about? Are there things about me she doesn’t know?

With that in mind, she silently slips the chip bag Diya gave her back into her hands, hoping she won’t say anything. Diya eyes her for a moment, but ultimately says nothing. The way Noelle hoped she wouldn’t, and the way Noelle knew she wouldn’t.

Diya’s eyes are fixed on the game, studying the players movements. Her eyes dart back and forth between the pitcher and catcher, and then towards the runners. Noelle feels very hot.

The sun is burning her skin, but it isn’t particularly very warm. Her bones feel they are becoming separated from her body, making her shiver despite not being cold. The corners of her vision blur, and she feels fatigued.

She gets up frantically, slurring a hurried “I’m going to the bathroom,” and walking off, nearly stumbling over herself several times. She can’t let this happen again, not in public. Never again. Never again. Never again.

She opens the door with her shoulder and catches herself on the sink, nearly falling to the ground completely. Turning the faucet on to give herself a noise to hone into, something constant she can focus on until she’s grounded.

She does not come out until the game is over.

~~

Noelle stares down at the concrete below her on the walk back to her house.

Diya leads the way there, the bottom half of her face covered by the neck of her hoodie. She’s fidgeting with her fingers, a nervous habit she developed sometime in middle school. Akarsha walks beside Noelle.

“Hey man, are you okay? You were in the bathroom for like an hour.”

“Yes, I was just feeling a bit under the weather. I am okay.”

Akarsha frowns, “If you say so.”

In front of her, Noelle can see Diya’s expression shift. The slight change of the position of her brow and the subtle difference in where her eyelids rest. Noelle cannot decipher it with her face covered.

The walk to Noelle’s house is colder than the walk to the baseball field. Noelle shivers and unties the flannel from around her waist, putting it on properly instead. She hugs herself around the middle with her hands tucked between her flannel and shirt.

She trudges behind her friends slowly, not wanting to push herself. She just needs to make it home. Everything will be okay if she manages to get home. Part of her wishes Diya would carry her.

They finally come up to Noelle’s street, and Noelle feels for the first time like her house is a blessing, a safe haven.

Diya walks her to her door. Noelle has her hand on the doorknob before Diya pulls her into another hug.

“Thank you, I do need to get inside though. I hope your birthday was fun.”

Diya nods and pulls away. She begins to walk back towards Akarsha, but stops herself and looks back at Noelle. She is perfectly in line with the street lamp across the street, the same one from the night with the rain. She holds up four fingers, and then touches the pad of her thumb to the nail of her ring finger. She mouths something, but Noelle can’t make it out.

Noelle squints, not sure if this is really happening or if she’s hallucinating again, “What?”

Diya shakes her head and walks off. Noelle would’ve put more thought into this if she didn’t feel on the verge of collapse. She pulls herself upstairs by the handrail to her room, and falls into bed. Her head is pounding, and the room is spinning.

She decides to lock Diya’s weird antics away into her mind vault.

November 30, 2008

Noelle has been glued to her piano since arriving home from Diya’s birthday.

The Christmas piece was simple, and she has it memorized already, but she keeps coming back to it. Playing it over and over, obsessing over it. Obsessing over the way her fingers feel on each key in the specific pattern of the song. Her mom complained about having to hear it constantly earlier, but Noelle pretended to not hear her.

She’s also been practicing the other song Akarsha gave her, “L’s Theme”. With a quick Google search, she found it was from an anime titled Death Note , one she’s heard Akarsha mention before. She wanted to shred the music at first, feeling tricked, but decided to play it anyway. Perhaps she can impress Akarsha by playing it from memory later.

She flips back and forth between the two. Playing the Christmas piece, then the anime piece. She plays them in quick succession, and she plays them until they’ve melded into one song, becoming a sort of medley. She plays them with her eyes closed, and she plays them whilst looking at the sheet music, eyeing every single note and making sure to hit each one perfectly on the piano along with it. A strange conglomerate of two songs that don’t belong together, two songs that don’t make sense together, but become harmonious together despite it.

She stops. The room is dark, and her parents have long since gone to bed. She checks the time.

11:47.

Always forty-seven. Why is it always forty-seven?

Another thing for her mind vault, she decides. 

She heads upstairs to her room and grabs her laptop, needing something else to think about besides the music. She decides on Akarsha. Again.

Noelle: Akarsha.

Love Master: holy shit

Love Master: holyyyyyy shit

Love Master: is that noelle lei? the noelle lei?

Noelle: Yes it is I.

Love Master: my love!!! the object of my affection!!!

Noelle: Talk to me about Letters from a Deaf Poet.

Akarsha types something, and then deletes it. She does this a few times, and Noelle begins to worry she did something wrong.

Love Master: what do you wanna know?

Noelle: There are a few things I am still curious about.

Noelle: Such as: have people found out their real voice yet? I’m sure there is some sort of technology out there that can undo the voice filters. Also, do we know how old they are? Since we know they go to our school, do we know if they are a freshman, sophomore, junior, or senior? My final question, does anyone have any guesses as to who they are? A little goes a long way, I am positive there are theories out there as to which specific student they are.

Love Master: wow ok you really have become a crazy fan

Love Master: the first one, people have definitely tried to figure out their voice, but they layer too many vocal effects for anyone to be positive. In the earlier episodes they didn’t use as many, so with those people think they’ve gotten close. some people think they’re a girl, some people think they’re just a prepubescent boy. i don’t really care about their gender or what they ~really~ sound like personally, i just like the videos

Love Master: for the second one, we have no idea how old they are or what grade they’re in

Love Master: and the last one, im not sure? i  only really talk to you and diya, and i havent found any guesses online. I think in our school theres probably people who have guesses and stuff. people have tried getting lists of every deaf student in the school, but those lists wont be accurate. the students who would be listed are ones who need an interpreter and ones who have being deaf listed on their medical record

Noelle: How do you know that last part?

Love Master: i have my ways

Noelle: Of course you do. Thank you for answering my questions.

Love Master: wait

Love Master: theres something else

Noelle: What is it?

Love Master: they made a twitter account recently. It feels more personal than their videos somehow. Maybe you can check it out, see if there’s anything interesting to you or whatever. its @lttrsfrmdfpt

Noelle: Thank you, I will go look at it.

Love Master: anything for you my sweet prince uwu

Noelle: Right.

Noelle exits the chat screen and opens Twitter. She has no intention of making her own account, social media is a waste of time, but she seeks out the Poet’s account anyway. There aren’t many tweets, but they seem to tweet around once or twice a day.

They’re all as meaningless and stupid as the videos.

There are tweets on whether or not they had a good or bad day, and ones mentioning that their viewers don’t need to know their gender, there’s even one calling their viewers stupid for assuming being deaf equals having zero hearing. The most recent one was posted today, and the Poet mentions always thinking of someone on their birthday.

What stands out to her, though, are two specific tweets. One from when the account was first made on November 18th, and one posted on November 24th.

The one on the 18th reads, “just because you can see someone does not mean they can see you,” and the one from the 24th reads, “if you don’t think i know, i know. i know everything about you. and you know everything about me. it has always been this way.”

She isn’t sure what it is about the tweets, but they speak to her, the way poetry is meant to sometimes. It’s not poetry though, it’s Twitter. These aren’t poems, these are the ramblings of an insane person.

Noelle wants to paste them to her corkboard, but realizes that would also make her insane.

She closes her laptop, assuming her strange ideas are just a result of being tired. She’s just tired, that’s all.

Noelle sits in silence for a long while, hoping it will consume her. The Christmas concert is tomorrow, as well as the first day back in school since break started. She’s nervous, and she’s not sure for which. She hates how invested she’s become with the Poet. She hates that her every waking moment is spent thinking of them. She hates the Poet. They’re obviously stupid, and should be expelled for endangering the school.

But that’s not true, is it?

There’s something familiar she can’t place. She feels protective over them. Like if something bad were to happen, it’d be her fault. They can’t really endanger the school. People aren’t crazy enough to come here. That’d be silly, right? If there really are zero leads, then they’re safe. No one will be able to find them. They’re safe. They’re all safe.

She turns her lights off, and sleep consumes her when she lays down.

December 1, 2008

The school day passed in the blink of an eye. 

Noelle can’t remember what she even learned about, an unusual thing for her. She remembers doing work, but not what it was. There was just a constant ringing of bells, pushing her out of one room and into the next. Even lunch was uneventful. All she can think about is the Christmas concert, and whether the Poet is going to be there.

She’s home, and she doesn’t remember arriving home, but she’s home.

She needs to get changed.

She stumbles into her pants and dress shirt, being careful to not catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror until she’s fully dressed.

Concert black has always felt like a bit of a grim tradition. She hasn’t had to wear it herself too often, as her piano recitals have always been separate from school, but the concept of wearing all black just to play some music has never made sense to her. It isn’t a funeral, no one is dying. Especially at a Christmas concert.

She doesn’t remember getting into the car, but she’s here at school now and her mother is driving away. It’s like today has been lived in the form of a photo album, only snapshots of the important things, never the inbetween, never the mundane.

She walks through the side entrance, meeting Akarsha in the orchestra room. Students mill about the place, laughing and fretting over their instruments. Noelle plays on the third song, but everyone else is on in ten minutes.

Akarsha pulls at Noelle’s sleeves excitedly, asking a million questions but Noelle has zero of the answers, the room is too loud.

“Slow down, please.”

Akarsha shakes her head, “I’m just glad you’re here.”

Noelle blinks, suddenly flustered, “Oh, thank you. I’m happy to be here.” 

A small lie, but one she can maybe turn into a truth.

Akarsha pulls her towards the orchestra teacher, but the conversation is a blur. He thanks her for doing this on such short notice, she thanks him for having her. He tells her to break a leg, Noelle forces out a laugh.

She doesn’t feel good.

She watches Akarsha as she hops around the room, making conversation with what feels like every kid there. She looks nice. Her hair is down, and she’s wearing a blouse as opposed to a black button down (what Noelle is wearing) or a black dress.

And all at once, the ten minutes are up, and everyone is filing out of the room. Noelle follows behind them, feeling awkward at the fact that all she’s carrying is her sheet music, and the rest of them are hauling their instruments towards the stage.

She stands at side stage and watches everyone get into their proper arrangement. The piano is sitting nearest her at the side of the stage, and she wonders who had to haul it up there. Akarsha is sitting where Noelle can see her, and she smiles at her before she begins playing. She’s focused, and, though Noelle can’t pick Akarsha’s specific cello part out from the full orchestra, she’s sure she sounds great.

She can see around half of the audience, all sitting in fold out chairs. She wonders who had to set all of them up. She hopes they had help. The audience is composed of what looks like parents and grandparents and siblings, likely some friends. It isn’t a full house, but there’s definitely enough people here to make Noelle nervous.

She wonders if the Poet is here, but she pushes the thought away, trying desperately to not make her head spin any more than it already is.

She continues scanning the crowd as the music swells when she spots a certain someone that makes her heart flutter up into her throat, choking her.

Diya is here.

Noelle blinks, and Diya is still there. She scrunches her eyes closed and shakes her head, Diya is still there. She rubs her eyes, and she’s still there.

She is not a ghost, she is not a hallucination. Diya is real, and Diya is palpable, and Diya is here.

She’s sitting at the opposite end of the auditorium, her deaf ear facing the wall and her other ear facing the stage. She came here alone.

Noelle wonders if she can see her, but realizes that’s ridiculous. She thinks of one of the Poet’s tweets, the one stating that just because someone can see you, does not mean you can see them. She pushes the thought away. Stop thinking of the stupid podcast.

Diya has her eyes fixed on the orchestra, her chin is resting in her palm and her elbow resting on one of her thighs. She’s wearing her floral blue hoodie, the same one she was wearing during school today.

She doesn’t know why she remembers Diya’s outfit from earlier today and not what she actually did in any of her classes, but she chalks it down to simply regaining the memory once she saw her again. Of course.

The orchestra finishes their first song and Noelle can feel her bones. They finish their second song and she can’t feel her head. She’s walking towards the piano and placing the sheet music on its stand, but she doesn’t feel in control of it, not at all. She looks at Akarsha, and she looks at Diya, but neither of them are looking at her.

The orchestra teacher counts them off, Noelle is playing. She is hitting all of the proper notes, but she can’t feel her fingers, they are moving for her, not because of her. She has the song memorized, of course, but this feels different, this is involuntary.

Her face goes hot, and she begins to shake until she can’t feel her arms. Her hands are still moving the way they’re supposed to. 

The stage is incredibly hot. Under the spotlights, she is burning up. She feels as if she is on fire, and everyone present is here to watch her die. They’re here for their own amusement, as if this is some sick carnival that proudly displays sick kids as part of their freak show. 

Her hearing goes out first, but not all at once. At first, she stopped being able to hear the orchestra, just the piano. The piano went out next, and all was silent. The audience’s faces faded to black, and the orchestra melted together and were swallowed by darkness. The floor disappeared from under her, and she can no longer see her hands.

She does not remember hitting the floor, let alone falling, but she is on the floor. Someone is yelling her name, but she cannot tell who. Akarsha is hovering over her, but Diya’s hands are on her face. She cannot see her.

And all at once, she comes to the conclusion that Akarsha is the Poet. Her enthusiasm about the project, her knowledge on whether or not the school would have info on what students are deaf, her insistence on the fact that she doesn’t care who the Poet is, but that everyone else does. Including her.

She doesn’t know if Akarsha’s deaf, but she’s only known her for a few months, that’s not enough time to know that kind of stuff. Of course. That’s how Akarsha knows, because it’s her.

Akarsha is strange, just like the Poet, and Akarsha is an idiot, just like the Poet.

The Poet’s words felt familiar, because she knows them. And Akarsha is the Poet. Of course she is.

Noelle smiles, and her world goes dark.

December 2, 2008

Noelle wakes up in a hospital.

She is hooked up to an IV, and she can feel her eyes in her skull. She cannot feel her arms.

A nurse that she didn’t realize was in the room speaks, making Noelle jump. “Miss Lei, I’m glad you’re awake.”

Noelle wants to leave. “Hello.”

“Do you know what happened last night?”

Noelle blinks, a labored activity. Her skin feels as if she is shedding, and she can feel her eyelids connect and disconnect when she blinks.

“I…” did she know? “What is the date?”

“December 2nd.”

Noelle puts her hand over her forehead as if she can physically pull the memory out of her brain. Something happened December 1st, yesterday. Something important… her friends… school.

The concert.

“I was playing piano at an orchestra concert. One of my friends asked me to play piano for one of the songs. I was doing well and then…”

The nurse sighs, “You fainted, Miss Lei.”

She fainted.

Again.

She had fainted once before, in the grocery store with her mother. She wasn’t out for long. Her mom caught her and shook her awake. Noelle told her she had the flu. That was the end of it.

And then it nearly happened again at the baseball game on Diya’s birthday, but she recognized the symptoms that time. She caught herself. She stopped it.

She fainted in front of an audience.

She fainted in front of Diya and Akarsha.

Akarsha.

She needs to talk to Akarsha, she needs out of this hospital and back home. She doesn’t have time for this.

“Am I allowed to leave?”

The nurse looks at her like she’s stupid, causing Noelle to shrink into herself more than she already has. “Not yet, there’s still a few things you need to know.”

“Which are?”

“Do you know why you fainted, Miss Lei?”

“It was hot on stage, and I was anxious about the crowd.”

“That’s not why, and you know that’s not why.”

Noelle looks down, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. A minute passes before she replies, voice low. “I know why.”

The nurse doesn’t speak. Noelle looks up and she’s staring at her like she’s expecting something. Don’t look at me like that. I don’t owe you anything. “Do I need to say it?” She’s never felt more childish.

The nurse sighs, “No. I can’t force you. But as long as you know, that’s what matters.” She begins unhooking the IV, freeing Noelle. “Now, because of this occurrence, you need to meet with your assigned school guidance counselor at least once a week. I tried to get your mother to get you with a more professional, trained therapist, but she wouldn’t allow it.”

Noelle shakes her head frantically, “I’m sorry, you must be mistaken. I can’t do that, it will take away from my class time.”

“Your other option is to go into inpatient care.”

Noelle freezes. That’s worse. That’s far worse. She can’t be away from school, and she can’t be away from Diya. “Fine. I will meet with my counselor once a week.”

The nurse nods, “Good. One last thing. There was a very tall girl who kept coming in asking to see you. She didn’t…” she looks Noelle up and down, “look like a relative. Do you know this person?”

Noelle’s heart feels like it’s going to seep through her ribs, “Yes. She’s my friend.”

“She was very concerned about you, Miss Lei. I recommend you contact her the first chance you get.”

Noelle nods, slowly this time, “Well of course. I’ll see her today when I get back to class.”

“No, you can’t go back to class today. You are going home to rest.”

“No you don’t understand-”

“Yes I do. More than you do. You are not going to school today.”

Noelle swallows the lump in her throat, grabbing the skin around her ribs as if it’s a wad of paper, easily shapeable, malleable, “Okay.”

“Good. You are dismissed. Your mom is in the waiting room.”

Noelle pulls herself out of the hospital bed with great effort, the nurse continues to stare at her as if she’s some sort of animal. Leave me alone.

Her mother is in fact in the waiting room. She’s sitting straight up and looking at the wall in front of her like some sort of strange robot. Noelle wonders if Diya sat in the same seat earlier.

Her mom stands upon seeing her and leads her out to the car. She doesn’t speak.

Noelle hates this. She hates the hospital, and she hates being treated like a case study, like some statistic about troubled teenagers. There is nothing wrong with her. She is okay. The hospital ruined her perfect attendance in her first year of high school, not her. None of this is her fault. Not at all.

The ride home is silent. She both wants and doesn’t want her mother to say something. Do you even care ? At all ? She decides to break it.

“Are you going to say something?”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

Noelle doesn’t respond. Fair enough. I don’t have anything to say to you either.

They arrive home, and Noelle isn’t sure what to do with herself. She’s never been home while school was in session before. Not once. Her room is the first step. Her mom watches her go up the stairs.

Her computer has blown up with notifications. DM notifications and email notifications. Some of them are from people she’s never spoken to, and people she doesn’t even know, she responds with a curt “thank you” to those ones. The emails are from her teachers. Not all of them sent one, but a handful sent thoughtful messages that explain that they saw it happen and wish her well. She wishes everyone would leave her alone. Is this not breaching some sort of student-teacher relationship ? It’s none of their business.

She looks at Diya and Akarsha’s messages last. Akarsha sent her around 50 DMs, utterly freaking out. There are no jokes, just frantic words telling her she’s worried and cares about her and hopes she’s okay.

Noelle’s fingers get to work again, typing and deleting around 50 different replies, but just settles on “I’m okay. Thank you.”

She clicks into Diya’s last. She sent only one message. A simple “I love you”. Noelle stares at the screen, not sure how to respond to this statement. Does she love Diya? It’s never been a question she’s had to ask herself before, Diya has always just been there by default. She’s never considered Diya’s feelings towards the subject.

Diya’s just a friend, but she’s more than that too. Diya is her best friend. Diya was her only friend until Akarsha decided to show up, and even then she isn’t sure she would consider Akarsha a friend at all. Diya has stuck beside her when Noelle has never deserved it. Noelle has been nothing but angry and cold. Does Diya do it as a joke? Is Noelle just another laughing stock to the person she considers herself closest to? That can’t be right, you don’t tell a laughing stock you love them, do you?

She tells her she loves her too.

Noelle’s mom enters her room without knocking, she shuts her laptop screen at the sight of her, as if Diya is a forbidden subject that her mother must not know about, as if Diya is someone her mother hasn’t known about for a decade.

Her mom continues to just stare at her. She places a bowl of soup on her desk, and leaves. Noelle feels numb at the topic.

Instead of traveling to her desk to take the offering, she decides to drown herself in the Poet’s words. She could never understand the meaning behind them before, she didn’t see herself in them. But now that she knows it’s Akarsha, she believes she can find comfort in the familiarity.

She clicks into episode 11, the first episode that wasn’t a letter. Akarsha explains that she’s run out of people to send letters to. She sounds so uncertain. So meek. It’s weird to hear her like this, so insecure about her word choice, but everyone is like that when they’re not in front of an audience, right? No one really knows their place, no one is certain how they’re perceived or how they fit into the world around them. Of course.

Her words melt together, becoming a symphony of noise, pleasant to Noelle’s ears. A noise she finally finds comforting, and the words of a crazy person. Why not? The episode ends, and she doesn’t remember what was said in it. It doesn’t matter. The hours slip away as she ingests more and more of what the Poet is saying. Her words become white noise, and she feels like she’s floating. She gets it now, this is what it feels like to everyone else. This is how it’s meant to be experienced.

Her trance is broken when Akarsha messages her. She checks the time, 4 PM, school is over.

Love Master: noelle! im glad youre ok! i hope your day off went well. i missed you. it isnt the same when its just me and diya, especially cause she was like, crying over you

Noelle: Diya was crying?

Love Master: well not actually i dont think? she was just really upset about you i think

Noelle: I see.

Noelle: I actually wanted to talk to you about something, your timing was immaculate.

Love Master: o ya? what is it?

Noelle: I know you’re the Poet.

Akarsha types a response, then deletes it. She does this over and over. Don’t deny it just because I’ve figured it out. I won’t tell anyone. Just come clean already.

Love Master: wat

Love Master: i mean i know you fell over but did it give you some sort of prolonged concussion? why do you think im the poet?

Noelle: Because you know too much. You’re peculiar, and an idiot. You’re the Poet.

Love Master: what are you talking about XD theres so many stupid and peculiar kids at our school, i promise its not me. if it was me id tie my image to it, trust. and its like you said, were freshmen, we probably dont even know who it is

Noelle: I choose not to believe you.

Love Master: suit yourself. if youre looking for a reason to be obsessed with me, i wont stop you

Noelle isn’t obsessed, she’s right. She is always right. She knows this. She closes out of the tab, and opens the Poet’s Twitter account, Akarsha’s Twitter account. The words don’t make sense, but Noelle finds solace in them. The tweet about never wanting to do a QNA, the tweets mentioning “you”. Over and over the Poet mentions a “you”, she assumes it’s letter one, the most important person in Akarsha’s life.

She wonders who it is.

She opens YouTube again, breathing in theory and explanation videos like her life depends on it. This is her sustenance, this is all she needs to survive. The Poet is her oxygen, and she is like fire.

The soup on her desk remains untouched and goes cold.

She doesn’t remember falling asleep.

December 3, 2008

Today is the day, and Noelle was not there when it happened.

She gets dropped off by her mother. She’s finally back in school, the day she missed was a complete waste of her time and she won’t hesitate to make it up. She decides to head to the classes she missed yesterday and pick up her missing work instead of greeting Diya and Akarsha, she’s sure they’ll understand.

Everyone is looking at her in her first class. They probably heard about me fainting. Get a life. Worry about yourself.

The bell rings.

Diya is not here, and neither is Akarsha.

She assumes they’re sick, no big deal. At least lunch will be less stressful.

Her next class is the same, no Diya, no Akarsha.

And her next.

Until eventually the clock signifies it’s lunch time.

She sits where she always has, but it’s not right without her friends. Though the area is loud with voices, it’s quiet without the ones she’s familiar with. She looks around, everyone is still staring at her, like they know something she does not. Everyone is huddled into little groups, whispering to each other and stealing small glances at Noelle.

She looks down at her lunch box. It’s open, but she hasn’t taken any of the contents out, there’s no point if Diya’s not here. They can’t know about that. All they know is that I fainted, not anything else.

She decides to head to class early, the eyes forcing her out of her spot, like she no longer belongs there. She turns away, lunchbox in hand, when someone begins shouting her name.

Someone is sprinting towards her, and it takes a moment for Noelle’s eyes to adjust to the fact that it’s Akarsha.

“Noelle! Noelle! Stop!”

She stops.

Akarsha stops in front of her, panting.

“What’s the issue? Did you sprint here from your house? Where were you this morning?”

Akarsha looks up, “It’s Diya.”

“What?”

“The Poet. Letters from a Deaf Poet, it’s Diya, it’s all Diya. It’s her. She runs it- ran it I- I- don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Noelle’s brain is leaking out of her ears and her heart is dropping down into her stomach, “What do you mean? I thought it was you?”

“No dude, of course it’s not me, I told you that. It’s Diya, they figured her out. I watched it happen, it's- it’s- I don’t know.”

She doesn’t understand. It can’t be Diya, because it’s Akarsha, right? Wasn’t it? She can’t be wrong, she spent too long making sure she was right to be wrong.

The letters, the tweets, they were Diya’s words, but how? 

“I… you must be mistaken. Are you one-hundred percent positive? Is this one of your jokes? How did they find out in the place?”

“I’m positive. She… one of her tweets. She mentioned being in the library on that specific day, the 21st I think. Some kids managed to get into the cameras and watched the footage from that day and like, took note of everyone in there. They saw the library couple, the one she talked about in the tweet, and narrowed it down to the people who were in there at the same time they were. Diya was one of those people. They found her student records and, and…”

Her medical history, things the school would need to know from it, at least.

Diya is deaf in her right ear. She lost her hearing in that ear after suffering from an ear infection as a baby.

Something that would be on her medical record.

“They found out she’s deaf, they found her medical records, the ones the school has.”

Akarsha nods. “We walked to school this morning, the same way we always do, and there were these adults outside. They started shouting at her when they saw her, calling her Poet and stuff. She panicked and ran away I- I tried running after her but she’s too fast, I don’t know where she is. I don’t know where she went, I’m sorry.”

Noelle struggles to find words that can explain how she’s feeling. “Is it really Diya… you’re sure?”

“I’m sure. She posted this like. This episode of LFADP. It was just one second of a black screen and the title said something about how they ruined everything. It was only up for like ten minutes before she deleted it. She deleted the whole channel. All of the letters and videos are gone. She tweeted the same thing, the whole thing about everything being ruined, she didn’t delete her Twitter account.”

Noelle feels like fainting again, but this time it’s different. She’s not starving, she doesn’t feel hungry. Not at all. Her best friend is in danger. Possibly the only person who has ever loved her, or ever will, has had her identity exposed to thousands of people. 

And the worst part is that she had a part to play in it. She was just as obsessed with it all as everyone else.

She pulls out her phone. “I tried that, she’s not gonna answer.”

Noelle texts her anyway. She tries calling her too, but she doesn’t pick up.

Her hands are shaking, and she sits down. She’s forcing herself to not cry, she doesn’t deserve it, not when she played a part in ruining her best friend’s life. And no it’s not all her fault, but she fed into it. She fed the beast and cared for it, until eventually it swallowed her whole, and took Diya down with her.

She’s shaking, and she’s shaking, and she’s shaking, she’s not sure she will ever stop. “What are we going to do?”

Akarsha looks at her, eyes empty, “I don’t know. I don’t know if we can do anything.”

And isn’t that the worst part? Someone can give their all into loving you. Someone can beg for help, beg for your help, beg for someone to help you, and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, the monster will come to swallow you too, it consumes everyone eventually, but it is up to you to protect yourself. It’s up to you to decide how much of you it swallows.

And for Diya, it was all of her.

~~

When Noelle gets home, she doesn’t bother with her homework.

She looks at the Poet’s, Diya’s, Twitter account.

The tweet is there, just like Akarsha said it would be. “you’ve ruined everything, i hope you’re happy. goodbye”. She wants to cry. If only she knew. If only she knew it was Diya, she could’ve helped her. She could’ve convinced her to stop, or help her better plan out her transcripts. Just… talk to her. Anything.

But she didn’t. She was too late.

She scrolls down, it doesn’t take long to reach the bottom of the account. She finds the aforementioned library tweet, the one that got her caught. I hope that couple breaks up. I hope they know this is their fault .

There’s a tweet with a link to a song, she clicks into it. Some song by Daft Punk. It’s definitely something she’d like, she was a fool for ever thinking the Poet could be Akarsha. It all seems so obvious now.

But it always does when it’s all blown up in your face.

She reads and rereads the tweets over and over. There’s a set of tweets about dreams, and another tweet mentioning dreams that was posted only yesterday. Diya’s dreams have always been strange, Noelle recalls. Diya dreams in memories, and or close approximations to memories. Normally they’re mundane, some sort of dream about a car trip with her parents or doing homework, but sometimes they bring up upsetting things she’d rather not remember. Noelle can always tell when she had one of these the night before, she had a few of them in late September, she wouldn’t say what they were about.

The one from yesterday states that she’s stopped sleeping because she doesn’t like her dreams, and that someone else has also stopped doing something they need to do to live.

And she doesn’t want it to be, but she knows it’s about her.

Of course she knew that Diya knew, but they never talked about it. A secret both of them were keeping from each other, a subject too heavy for either to carry into conversation. She never knew how heavily her own health weighed on her friend, she had hoped she didn’t really care that much.

She skims the tweets again. The ones from her birthday talk about how it was mostly a good day, but that she hopes someone is okay. It’s her again, it’s got to be. She nearly fainted at the baseball game, there’s no way Diya couldn’t tell.

She closes out of Twitter, feeling too guilty to read any more of it. Was this her fault? Were Diya’s negative feelings her doing? She can’t change for Diya, she can’t control how her friend feels. She shouldn’t feel bad for the way other people respond to her illness. It’s her issue, not theirs.

But it’s Diya.

Maybe if they just talked more… maybe both of them would have found solace in the other person’s words. Even though it wouldn’t have cured either of them, at least they’d be happy in the fact that had someone to speak to about it, felt safe in the fact that at least one person knew what they were going through, even if they themself didn’t understand it.

Instead, Diya decided to speak to the scary expanse of the internet, and Noelle has decided to pick up a career in fainting. Great.

Noelle opens YouTube for the final time. Though Akarsha told her the channel is gone, she has to see for herself. She types the title into the search bar manually instead of clicking on her recent search, as if that will bring the channel back to life. But it’s just as she said, it’s gone. The only sign it ever existed are the theory and explanation videos. Diya’s words themself have been erased, lost to the vacuum of time. If only I knew…

She doesn’t remember the words of the letters and episodes very well, they had become a sort of calming background noise to her. She wonders if she was one of the people one of the letters was addressed to. If she was one or two, or if she was later than that. She can’t know. She’s not Diya.

She sends Diya a text. Every word feels wrong, there are no words one can say when they’ve practically ruined someone else's life. She settles on simply telling her she loves her, the same way Diya did for her.

She hopes her words reach her, but deep down knows they never will.

December 4, 2008

Diya wasn’t at school today.

Yesterday it seemed she was all anyone talked about. Her secret had been exposed, and everyone knew. She went from a loner weirdo to a famous loner weirdo. Some strange freshman who talked to their computer and uploaded it online. 

Diya wasn’t any of those things. Diya is a human. She’s a person. Was a person? 

It’s like none of her classmates even care that they ruined someone's life. They’re all carrying on with their meaningless existence as if they didn’t just force the event of a star dying, like they didn’t snub out the only light this godforsaken school had. 

Her teachers continue their lectures as if one of their students isn’t absent. Diya was the only one here with a heart, and they all ripped it out of her. Noelle is shaking again, but this time she doesn’t care who sees.

She doesn’t bother getting her lunchbox out of her locker, because it was Diya’s locker too. She can’t bring herself to look at Diya’s books when she doesn’t know if they’ll ever be retrieved from the space

She and Akarsha sit at their lunch table in silence. If Noelle squints, she can almost make herself believe that Diya is sitting across from her, like she’s some phantom that’s back from the dead to haunt Noelle specifically at their lunch table, still staring at her when she refuses to eat, keeping their open secret by not saying anything about it.

She can tell Akarsha wants to say something, but she doesn’t. Noelle doesn’t know whether to be elated or distraught.

Her last few classes pass by in a foggy haze. Noelle feels as if she’s living out the day with the rain again, a typhoon of emotions, all clashing and contradicting one another, not sure if it ever happened at all. Not sure if Diya ever existed, or if she was just another hallucination her mind threw at her for its lack of energy.

Her electives were easier to get through. She didn’t share any of them with Diya, who preferred taking extra gym classes and more hands-on type stuff, so they pass by like normal. Her core classes though drain her. She lingers on her rage at the fact that no one cares. Diya is gone, and it’s their fault, and it’s her fault, and no one cares. No ones spoken to her about it, she has no one else. The one person she could’ve possibly gone to to vent is gone, but she knows she never would’ve gone to her to talk in the first place. That’s what started all of this.

The final bell rings, but she isn’t done yet. She hurriedly makes her way through Diya’s schedule, she had it memorized by the time the first week of school was over. She speaks to all of her friend’s teachers, explaining briefly what happened, and collecting her work for her.

She couldn’t help then, but she can try to help now.

She calls her mom and tells her to not pick her up, she lies and says she has some special meeting concerning her being valedictorian. Luckily, she believes her.

And also luckily, Diya’s neighborhood is within walking distance of the school.

She makes sure to hold onto the work gingerly, not wanting a single crease or fold to infect the papers, but also not wanting to put them away. These papers are proof Diya existed, these are proof that she cared, that she was the only one who cared.

She finally comes upon Diya’s house. She hovers at the front door for a moment, not sure if this is really all worth it. But it is, she knows it is.

She rings the doorbell, Noelle braces for impact.

Diya’s mom answers the door, she looks tired. “Noelle! It’s good to see you.”

Noelle waits for a moment, expecting her to say more, but she never does. “Hello Mrs. Soma, it’s good to see you too. I was wondering if I could see Diya? I collected her work from the past two days, and was hoping I could deliver it to her.”

Her face falls, it’s almost similar to watching Diya’s face fall, they have the same eyes, they hold themselves in the same way, but their expressions are different. “Oh… I’m sorry Noelle. Diya has locked herself in her room and won’t come out. She doesn’t want to see me, she’s not going to want to see you. If you want, I could bring these to her and tell her you came over?”

Noelle isn’t sure how to respond, this isn’t the outcome she prepared for. She spent her walk over her detailing what she would say to Diya when she saw her and how to properly handle the different outcomes to her words. Never seeing Diya today wasn’t an option in her mind, she couldn’t let herself believe it was possible. “Oh erm… are you positive?”

She nods.

“Okay then… that would work, thank you for your time.”

Diya’s mom takes the missing work out of Noelle’s hands, and she almost wants to pull it all back. She doesn’t want to let go of this tangible proof of Diya’s existence. She does anyway.

Diya’s mom waves, and shuts the door, and it’s all over. She missed her chance, but she never had a chance in the first place. This was all destined to happen the moment Diya uploaded the first letter this summer. It’s over it’s over it’s over.

Noelle feels as if she’s watching herself walk away from the house from a distance. She’s numb again. If she allowed herself the privilege of freely experiencing her emotions, she knows she would break down right here, on Diya’s front lawn. 

Before she leaves the house behind her, she looks up at the window into Diya’s room. Her curtains are closed, and her light isn’t on. She wonders if she can see her, “just because you can see someone does not mean they can see you”. She hopes Diya’s words are true now, that Diya can see her, that she knows she was here, and that she cared.

But she knows she can’t. Diya’s light has been put out, and there isn’t a single person on this planet who can reignite it.

December 5, 2008

Diya wasn’t at school today.

Noelle blinks, and the school day is over. She had her first meeting with her guidance counselor today. She doesn’t remember what was said, the words were tucked away into her mind vault the second the meeting was over.

She continues the same pattern she did the day previous. Collect Diya’s work, tell her mom she doesn’t need to pick her up. Today she told her she had to meet with her counselor after school, as she has no way of knowing she really did this towards the beginning of the day. She believes her.

She makes her way towards the Soma household once again, various papers and packets in hand. Tangible. Tangible tangible tangible.

She rings the doorbell again, and Diya’s mom answers. She smiles at Noelle. “Hello again. It’s good to see you.”

Noelle smiles back. “Likewise. I’m here with today's work from Diya’s classes, and to retrieve the work I dropped of yesterday, if it is completed, that is.”

She nods and takes the papers out of Noelle’s hands, “Oh, thank you. One moment, I’ll go see if she did them.” She disappears around a corner.

At the end of the hallway, Diya’s dad is looming. She doesn’t think she’s ever really spoken to him, but Diya’s resemblance to him is uncanny. They have the same smile, the same nose. They both make the same dorky expressions. He isn’t the tallest guy out there, standing at around 5 '10, whereas Diya’s mom is around Noelle’s height. Noelle has held the belief for a few years now that Diya will eventually outgrow both of her parents.

Diya’s dad holds himself with uncertainty and anxiety, the same way his daughter does. He stares at Noelle ominously, and it’s almost too much for Noelle. Looking at Diya’s dad is like looking at Diya, if she squinted, it’d practically be the same thing. She breaks eye contact with him, not wanting to burst into tears by his front door.

Diya’s mom returns. She has in her hands Diya’s work from yesterday. She slips the work into Noelle’s own hands. It’s all completed. Every last page of it. Diya is alive. She can’t be sure if she’s well, but she’s alive.

Noelle stops herself before attempting to leave, she wants to hang on just a little longer. “Do you know what happened? To Diya, I mean.”

Diya’s mother’s face shifts to discomfort. It takes her a moment to speak, Noelle hopes she hasn’t misstepped. “I am… still trying to understand it. I had no idea she was ever doing any of that YouTube junk. But she’s been really upset, nothing I say ever gets through to her. It’s like she won’t listen on purpose.”

Noelle cringes. First of all, she is deaf. There is a high chance she cannot hear you. Second of all, why are you mad at her? None of this is her fault. It’s mine. She swallows her thoughts. “Right. Thank you for your time.”

Her mom nods, and closes the door.

Diya’s curtain is still closed.

Noelle looks down at Diya's completed work, tracing her letters with her thumb. Her handwriting is a strange mixture of chicken scratch and legible. She long since has broken her habit of dotting her i’s and j’s with circles, but never did for her name. The circle sits upon the tower of the I like the sun looms over a building.

Part of her doesn’t want to give this work back to Diya’s teachers. They don’t deserve the tangible evidence of her life.

But neither does Noelle.

December 8, 2008

Diya wasn’t at school today.

December 9, 2008

Diya wasn’t at school today.

December 10, 2008

Diya wasn’t at school today.

December 11, 2008

Diya wasn’t at school today.

On the walk home from Diya’s house back to her own, she decides to take the long way back. She isn’t sure why. It isn’t logical at all. It adds extra time to her trip back, but maybe she needs the extra steps. Diya always got on her for not being active enough, maybe this is a new start.

It can’t be a new start. Not without Diya. She’s giving up on her New Year’s resolution before she could ever make one.

The route of the long way back takes her past a dog park. The same one she passed on Diya’s birthday. She stops and stares at it, wondering if Diya’s ever come here. It only seems logical that she would.

She’s compelled to enter into the section for small dogs. A gaggle of them are chasing each other in circles, fighting over ownership of a rubber ball. Noelle walks on the outer edge of the park, not wanting any sort of dog jumping on her and dirtying her khakis.

Towards the right of this section of the park, a large tree is planted, its purpose likely to shade any dogs or people who need it in the Oakland sun.

Under the tree, someone is sitting with their knees pressed close to their chest. They’re sitting on the side of the tree facing the fence, not the dogs. As if they don’t want to be seen.

Noelle walks towards the person, selfishly wanting to get a glance at what sort of weirdo comes to a dog park to sit under a tree and face away from the animals.

As the person comes more into focus, Noelle can’t help but feel they’re familiar. She’s seen this person before. They’re wearing the same blue floral hoodie Diya owns. The hood of the thing is brought up tight over their head, obstructing any view of their hair or lower half of their face.

And it hits Noelle. This person doesn’t just have the same hoodie Diya does, this person is Diya.

Diya Soma is sitting under the tree.

Noelle nearly breaks into a sprint, but doesn’t want her friend to run away again. She doesn’t want to startle her either. Instead, she yells her name.

“Diya-!”

Diya turns to face her slowly. She turns away when she sees her, but doesn’t run away. It’s like she’s given up completely.

Noelle reaches her, and sits across from her. Diya is in the shade, and Noelle is in the sun. Diya is the dark, Noelle is the light. 

Neither of them speak for a long while. What is there to say? Everything. Nothing.

While Noelle can’t see all of Diya’s face, she can still tell she’s been crying. A lot. Her eyes are puffy and underneath them are blotchy and red, almost bruised looking, like she’s been rubbing at them with the rough part of her sleeve over and over. She’s wearing her gloves, something she does as a sort of self-soothing method when textures happen to be too much.

Diya isn’t looking at her, she’s looking down at the grass between them, arms tucked around her knees to hold her legs close to her torso.

Noelle breaks the silence first, “Diya…?”

She looks up at her, “What d’you want?” She’s quiet, Noelle can barely make out the words.

Noelle folds her lips into a tight line, keeping her mouth shut with her teeth. “I… I don’t know. I miss you, and I care about you.”

Diya eyes her, “Is that it?”

Noelle closes her eyes, “And I love you.”

Diya blinks, “Okay.”

Noelle isn’t sure what to say. She’s practiced this conversation in her mind possibly hundreds of times. Over and over. She had a strict script memorized. What to say, how to say it, what to say to Diya’s words. She isn’t following it. All of her lines are improvised.

She looks down and shakes her head. Nothing she says will make this better. She can not fix it, that was never a possibility no matter how much she held out hope that it was.

Diya speaks. “She’s not coming back, is she?”

Noelle looks up. This wasn’t one of the possible conversation topics she had planned. Diya is also going off-script. She wasn’t supposed to. It’s all wrong. “Pardon?”

Diya’s face scrunches up like she’s about to cry. “You know… her. I don’t think she’s coming back. She promised she would.”

Her.

Min-seo Yang was an old elementary school friend of Diya’s. Noelle never liked her. She was loud and rude, stupid too. Simple subjects seemed to elude her. Math and science, reading and writing. The worst part about her was how enamored Diya was by her.

She was obsessed. Min was the talk of the town in Diya’s world. Min’s nice to me. Min lets me be Luigi in Mario Kart. Min gave me food at lunch today. Min is my friend.

Noelle hated her. She hated that she took Diya away from her, if only for a few hours a week, hours that Noelle wasn’t even allowed outside to interact with other kids her age, but it didn’t matter. Diya was hanging out with Min, and Noelle wanted her to stop. She was happy when she moved away. After all of these years, she assumed Diya got over it. She was distraught at first, she stopped sleeping and kept slumping over her desk in class, too tired to do any work.

She isn’t sure how to comfort someone who misses a person she loathes. “... You never know. We’re still young. She might, still.”

Diya just looks at her, amber eyes drilling into the ink wells of her black ones. “She’s not. I know she’s not.”

She doesn’t know what to do. “I’m sorry.”

Diya looks down again, burying her face in her arms. She mumbles something Noelle can’t make out. “What?”

“You watched some of the episodes, right?”

She feels immediately guilty. She wants to lie, pretend it never overtook her. But she can’t, it’s a rhetorical. Diya knows she did, she heard her talk about it with Akarsha herself. “Yes.”

“Do you remember what I said in some of them?”

“I…” and the truth is she doesn’t, not really. She had listened to every single episode, all ten letters and fifty-two non-letters. She drowned in the words, but she came out of it alive by sacrificing Diya. “I don’t, not really.”

“Episode one.”

“What?”

“You’re episode one. Letter one. Min is letter two. Akarsha is letter five.”

Noelle’s heart is racing. While she knew Diya was the Poet, it never fully hit her until this moment. Noelle is letter one. The most important person in the Poet’s, Diya’s, life. She feels crazed, like some sort of superfan. But Diya isn’t a celebrity, this isn’t some fan meeting, Diya is a human person, and Noelle’s best friend.

“Why did you do it? The channel, I mean.”

Diya shrugs and shrinks into herself. “Don’t know. Summers are lonely I guess. You can never hang out, mom won’t let you. Had no one to talk to, so…”

She wants to reach out and embrace Diya, an action she has never initiated herself. She looks so small here, like a piece of China that broke off from its whole when it shattered on the floor and found its way under the fridge.

“I’m sorry.”

Diya shrugs again. “Not your fault.”

“But it is. If I would’ve just spoken to you, you never would’ve had to make the YouTube channel. If I wasn’t like… this. If I could just eat something, you wouldn’t have had to make it. You would’ve never had to go through any of this if not for me.”

Diya leans forward and grabs Noelle’s wrists, not hard, but it hurts anyway. “Stop that. Was my decision to make it. No one else’s. I can’t help the fact that you’re sick, and neither can you. You’re not in the wrong.”

“But…” Noelle’s eyes are starting to well up, she tries to force them back down, but it’s too late, “But if I just… if I just saw the signs earlier I could’ve…” She’s hysterical. She can’t speak.

Diya hugs her, and Noelle keeps her streak of never initiating a hug. She doesn’t deserve this hug. She doesn’t deserve Diya. She doesn’t deserve to hug back.

They stay like that for what could be an hour, maybe a day, neither know. Diya holds Noelle like she deserves it, Noelle is limp because she knows she doesn’t.

“Forty-seven,” Diya says.

Noelle sniffles, “What?”

“Did you watch episode forty-seven?”

“I watched all of them.”

“Do you… remember episode forty-seven?”

“I don’t”

Diya pulls away, taking Noelle’s hands in her own. “Was about you, and the rain. I remember the rain. Dreamed about it like crazy.”

Noelle’s eyes light up, she smiles earnestly for the first time in days. “I knew it. I knew you had to. I… thank you.”

Diya’s dreams have always been weird, she remembers. She thinks back at the tweets, the ones detailing the fact that she’s been dreaming of Noelle. It was right in front of me the whole time .

“Have you been eating?”

Noelle’s face falls. She can’t lie to her, she knows she’ll see right through it, she always does. She sucks in a breath, “No.”

Diya’s expression changes, Noelle can’t tell what it is. Anger? Sadness? Disgust? “I’m sorry.”

Diya shakes her head. “Can’t really be mad at you. Haven’t been sleeping.”

“Why?”

“Don’t want to dream of the orchestra concert or hospital. Too scary.”

It’s my fault, again it’s my fault. If I could just be normal none of this would be happening. 

“Don’t blame yourself though. Was my choice, not yours. I’ll sleep again eventually.”

She’s at a loss for words again. “Okay…”

“How’s Akarsha?”

“She’s… Akarsha. She’s worried about you, I think.”

“Tell her I’m okay.”

“But you’re not-”

Diya shakes her head, “Stop.”

So she does.

She tries thinking of ways to make it all better. She can feel she’s close, but she doesn’t know how to close the gap. She doesn’t know how to tie it all up. She tries anyway. “I am required to meet with my guidance counselor at school once a week. To talk about the… eating thing.”

Diya’s eyes go wide, presumably happy about this news. Noelle doesn’t have the heart to tell her that she isn’t listening. She doesn’t want help, and she doesn’t want to get better. But she can at least give Diya some semblance of hope that she will.

She keeps pushing, hoping she can pull Diya back up, “Maybe you can come back, and we can revamp the podcast? We can write detailed scripts, we can work on it together…! We can… we can talk to each other.”

Diya looks away, biting her lip. “No… I uh. I can’t do that. Letters from a Deaf Poet is over. Forever.”

Noelle messed it all up in one fell swoop. “What? Why?”

“Can’t do it if people know who I am. Everyone has pictures of me now, know my full name. And know everything I said in the videos. Don’t want that.”

Noelle tries to bring it back, tries to make it better, but she’s failing failing failing. “Being a celebrity can’t be that bad, right? You’d be financially stable at least.”

Diya shakes her head, angrily this time. “You don’t get it. The comments… all saying weird things about me now that they know who I am. They want to hurt me. They’re saying… sexual things. I can’t do it, not if it’ll be like that. I don’t want to be famous. I don’t want people to know who I am.”

Noelle feels like throwing up. What does she mean violent and sexual? She just turned 14, shouldn’t that be illegal?

Noelle can’t help her. It’s over. There is no saving Diya.

Diya stands and pulls Noelle up with her and into her chest. She buries her head into Noelle’s shoulder, and the height difference makes it awkward, but Noelle doesn’t have it in her to complain anymore.

Her voice is shaking. It all feels so final. This can’t be the end. “You’re coming back to school, right? I’m gonna see you tomorrow, right? Please…”

Diya squeezes Noelle tighter, “I can’t. Too dangerous. I’m sorry.”

Noelle grabs Diya’s hoodie in her fists, she can’t let go, not yet. She can’t lose her like this. “Will I see you again?”

Diya nods slowly, uncertain. “I think so. I don’t know what’s next.”

And Noelle doesn’t know either, but knowing that Diya wants to stay in her life makes it worth it. As long as she has Diya, she’ll be okay.

Diya not being around the school will take some getting used to. She knows that Diya’s ghost will forever haunt the hallways and classrooms. They killed her, and Noelle will never forgive them for that. But she’ll make it, she can survive high school without Diya. She knows she can. As long as she can see her outside of school, as long as she remains alive and corporeal. That’s enough. And it will have to be enough.

It’s not much, but it’s enough.

It’s enough.