Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Lyra had been alone for as long as she could remember.

She had a dad, but he was never around. He had left her raising to the scholars in Jordan College, where he worked, even though they all had much better things to do than watch a precocious child. He didn't even let her call him dad, only father, because supposedly dad was too close and personal. Too sentimental, he'd said, with a look of disdain when she'd first tried to call him it after finding out exactly who he was to her.

Her room was in the on campus apartment he had been provided, nestled right in the heart of the college, but it didn't matter when he essentially used it as a hotel to stay in one night at a time. It hardly felt like they lived together, and Lyra's room could have been anywhere without making a difference. It certainly didn't feel like home outside of it, with a living room filled with boxes that didn't make up for the lack of company and her father's bedroom near permanently locked. He barely even acknowledged her when he was there, anyway.

But it was alright. She had Pan, so she was never actually alone. And there was her best friend, Roger, who also had no one else. While he was actually an orphan he'd ended up taken in by his Uncle and also essentially lived in the college. They spent their days together when Roger wasn't working, stuck together like twins even when in school. Often they would sleep over in each other's rooms too, since they both lived in the same building anyway.

Even if she missed her father, she was used to it. She had the best friend she could ask for and lived a life full of freedom a parent normally wouldn't allow.

"Lyra, Lyra! Are you there?"

Lyra looked up from the workbook she was defiling to see Roger scrambling over the roof, towards their secret hideout. The flat section Lyra sat in was squashed between three other buildings, cutting it off from the outer world with a wall and sloped roofs to offer easy access. It was here they came to escape trouble or to relax after hours spent clambering around.

"What?" Lyra's interest reflected in Pan's shifting, flickering between a mouse and a polecat rapidly.

"I was going back to rest when I seen all those important scholars making a fuss," Roger panted, leaning against the wall as Salcilia fluttered around his head as a butterfly. "I didn't pay it no mind till I was out, and I seen that fancy black car... Y'know the one with the tinted windows to hide-"

"Father," Lyra interrupted, words barely more than a gasp as her eyes lit up. "He's here."

"I think so. I en't seen him but they was fussing like they do whenever Lord Asriel-"

"I gotta go!" Lyra cut him off again, dumping her workbook at her feet as she flew up the sloped roof. She turned her head at the top right before sliding down the other side. "Thank you Roger!"

She slid down the corrugated steel roof, jumping onto the next building with ease. Pan swooped above her head as a swallow, leading the way along a rooftop route they both knew by heart. She let her feet lead the way without thinking - she had no time to think, her father was here.

She leapt off the roof and bolted through the corridors, pushing past the students and professors meandering through. She pushed right past the ones who were in her way, without a care for who they were.

"Lyra, stop-"

"Sorry librarian, gotta go!" Lyra shouted over her shoulder as she continued to run, weaving between the throngs of people making their way through the old corridors. She sprinted down the stairs at the end, across a courtyard and through the wide door that led into the on campus staff accommodation. She barely noticed the burning of her thighs while tearing up three more flights of stairs. Almost there, just a few more steps to go.

"Father!" She yelled as she barreled into their small apartment, the door thankfully unlocked so she didn't slam right into it. "Father!"

"What is it, child?" Asriel didn't need to shout to match her volume, voice far more powerful than hers could ever be. It was biting, his gaze hard as he stared at Lyra from where he stood in the doorway to his room. There was an annoyance in his twisted down lips, an expression that showed no tolerance for Lyra's pestering. A clear warning to her in the way his eyes narrowed. Not that she ever paid attention to that. "Lower your voice and be quick with whatever you want to say."

"Oh, father, you've been gone for so long, what could be more important?" Lyra cried as she practically flung herself at him. He sidestepped her attempted hug and caught her with one arm, holding her away from him. She finally paused in her movements, trembling slightly an arm's reach away from him. She'd been silly to expect him to reciprocate... He never did! It didn't stop her from trying. Pan whined into her neck. "I wasn't told you was coming back. You didn't message or anything!"

"That's all?" Asriel raised an eyebrow, lips pressing into a thin line. His grip on her tightened before he firmly pushed her properly into the living room, towards her own room. Stelmaria sluggishly emerged from his room behind him to press against his legs, amber gaze fixed on Lyra. "Not so important that it couldn't wait. I don't have the patience for you right now."

"It couldn't wait! It's been a year. A year of nothing! You sent me one text at Christmas, that was it. You didn't even remember my birthday! What could be more important than seeing your only daughter?!"

"Lyra," Asriel's low voice held a warning, echoed in Stelmaria's growl. His hand gripped her shoulder tight enough to hurt. "I do not have the time to deal with your silly tantrums. Yes, there are other things more important. Do you think I can just walk back in here? It doesn't work like that, child."

"But-"

"No buts," he cut her off, sigh escaping his lips. That was when Lyra noticed his exhaustion, haggardness in his eyes that he couldn't quite hide under his harsh exterior anymore. It was a rarity to see from a man so strong. Asriel always seemed untouchable, standing firm against everything the world threw against him, constantly in motion. For him to be visibly tired... It was enough to stop her from saying any more. "We've had a long journey and I must speak with the master soon. We'll talk later, at dinner."

Lyra pouted at this, shaking off his slightly loosened hand to take a step away. "You never keep your promises, though. You always leave before we talk..."

"Don't be impertinent," Asriel sighed. It was nowhere near the reassurance Lyra was hoping for. "I'll be stuck here for a few days, I imagine. And I will be back tonight. Just be patient."

It was clear this conversation was over when Asriel turned around, bending down to pick up one of the bags littered around the room. Lyra followed him towards the door, like a dog on the heels of its master, not wanting him to leave but knowing that if she pushed it more she'd receive more than a few sharp words.

"Tonight, you promise?"

Asriel fixed her with a harsh look, but Stelmaria flicked her tail and tilted her head in what seemed to be a yes in his place. It had to be, he was the one who said he'd be back for dinner. She'd hold him to that... Even when she had no idea how they were going to eat, since she normally ate in the college canteen.

"Maybe he'll cook for us!" She giggled as she flopped down onto her bed, rolling about in excitement.

"I doubt it," Pan retorted, flopping on top of her as a pine marten. "He doesn't know how to cook I bet."

"Then we should cook!"

"We can't cook either."

"Well then we'll just have to learn, won't we?"

In the end they didn't cook, and instead it was Thorold who came along with Asriel to serve their meal.

He had been Asriel's aide back when he was a proper lord, with all the money and lands that came with it, and had insisted on still helping him even when Asriel lost it all for reasons no one would tell Lyra. Some people still called her father Lord Asriel, but being a lord in name was an outdated notion now anyway. At least that's what a kid at school had told her when she tried to boast about it. He would know, he said, his parent's were lawyers and thus very smart.

"Thank you, Thorold, you may go now. I won't need you until we leave."

"As you wish, sir," Thorold nodded, leaving them in peace.

Lyra looked at the feast in front of them with a watering mouth, kneeling on her chair to get closer to it. It was all crammed onto the small table on the side of the living room, almost overflowing. They rarely ate here so there was no need for a large dining table. She gulped and tried to decide what to take first.

It was the heaping bowl of roast potatoes she went for first, before spearing all kinds of meat onto her plate. She ate as she served herself, stuffing a juicy slice of ham into her mouth while reaching for the vegetables. There was so much choice! Nothing like the boring meal options in the canteen. She was able to absolutely stuff her face.

"Slow down, it's not going anywhere," Asriel let out a low chuckle, sipping on a glass of some kind of alcohol he'd just served himself. Lyra didn't know what it was just that he liked it a lot and that it helped him relax. His own plate was much more sparse than hers, a normal meal rather than a pile of good. "Didn't anyone teach you table manners?"

"My father e'nt around enough to correct my bad ones, and nobody else can handle me," Lyra retorted through a mouth full of food. Pan bristled on her shoulder in agreement. She ignored the harsh look he shot her. "Don't need manners anyway."

"Everyone needs manners, Lyra," Asriel sighed, leaning over to bat away her hand as she reached for another handful of potatoes. "Don't pick up food with your hands and don't speak with your mouth full. You've been taught at least this much."

"Doesn't mean I listen," Lyra stuck out her tongue at him before picking up a tomato and popping it in her mouth. It practically melted there and she gave out a content groan. Normally the vegetables she had to stomach were just mush.

"Listen to me, and do what I said, or there will be consequences when I'm next back." Asriel clicked his tongue, eyes narrowed at her. After a moment of thought he seemed to give up on the idea of correcting her further right now and instead moved his gaze off to the side so he wasn't looking at her. Lyra frowned. She'd almost wanted him to keep pushing at it... Like a dad should actually do.

Though even if he'd stopped looking at her, Lyra could still feel Stelmaria's gaze from where she lounged in front of the fire. There was an almost judgmental hint in those green eyes.

She picked up her knife and fork and started eating normally, no longer choking on copious amounts of food. She actually did know all about table manners anyway, she just normally ignored them. Especially when excited. And it wasn't like she ate with anyone but Roger anyway.

"What were you talking to the master about?" She swallowed the chicken in her mouth before talking, just in case her father had decided he'd had enough of her rudeness and left. She could deal with his 'consequences' but not him getting sick of her.

"Just about my recent work," Asriel waved his hand. "Not something a little girl would understand."

"I'm not that little!" She was nine, hardly young anymore. "I can understand."

"How much do you know about molecular physics?"

"Uh..." Lyra trailed off. She didn't know what that was at all.

"Exactly."

"... Even if I don't understand you can tell me how it went!"

Asriel tilted his head, taking another sip out of his glass. "I guess so. It went well and I'm making good progress, but I think it will take a few days to convince the other professors of that. Then I'll be able to go back to the Arctic."

"A few days? Will you really be staying for days? And we can spend them together?"

"You have school tomorrow."

"Can't I take it off?" Lyra whined, giving her his cutest look, eyes wide and lip trembling. It always worked on the younger teachers at school especially when she started crying in command (the older ones saw right through her). "Pleaaase."

"Absolutely not." One sharp glare told Lyra that her father wouldn't fall for it either.

"You won't be able to catch up if you keep skipping school," Stelmaria purred, eyes seeming to twinkle as she looked at Lyra. Pan turned into a moth and fluttered down to Stelmaria, bumping against her nose before landing on her back. "All explorers go to school."

Stelmaria's words were much more convincing than Asriel's. Of course her father must have attended school, he had a PhD and all (not that she really understood what that entailed). Though there was so much at school that was boring, surely he could just teach her the important stuff? She didn't need to analyse silly books or write essays.

"It's not all useful," Lyra huffed, angrily stuffing another forkful into her mouth. "I'm always bored to death! Can't I learn on the move with you."

"A well rounded education is important, Lyra, and the Arctic is no place for a child." Asriel did smile at that, an understanding glint in his eyes. "Be good and attend school, you can't just avoid things that are boring. Even I have to do boring work."

Lyra didn't see how that was the same thing, cause her father's work was important, but she didn't know how to properly express that. It was a losing battle for this argument anyway. Instead she went back to her food, eating what she could until she felt stuffed to the brim. She leaned back in her chair with a groan, rubbing her full belly. Pan flopped on her as a dog, imitating her food induced exhaustion.

Asriel's lips curled up at the sight of her. "Go sit by the fire, let me clear up. You're in the way."

Lyra let out another groan, dragging herself off her seat at the table and towards one of the armchairs by the fire. It was February so the chill in the air was beginning to go away, but her father still liked to put the fire on. She didn't really understand it because he turned all the radiators off at the same time.

She guessed it did feel comforting.

Pan jumped off her knees, shifting mid jump into a small snow leopard. He was like a mini version of Stelmaria as he approached her, before jumping onto her with a playful squeak. Stelmaria let out a low rumble from the back of her throat, one paw batting him over the head and pulling him against her so he settled down.

"Here, drink this."

Lyra blinked, surprised at the mug of steaming hot chocolate placed in her hands. "You made this?"

"You think I can't?" Asriel snorted as he sat in the other armchair, fancy purple velvet almost out of place in this room. Lyra's own armchair was much more worn and ragged, well used whenever she was here. She never touched his.

"I en't seen you do it before," Lyra smiled into the mug, chest swelling. She was filled with a warmth that wasn't just her own, sharing joy with Pan as he snuggled up with Stelmaria in front of the fire. She turned her head to groom his fur, each lick sending a shiver of elation through Lyra. "Will you make it for me again tomorrow?"

"If you're good," Asriel looked at her, a sarcastic smile playing on the corners of his lips. An amused look again, not quite happy but much better than the gruff expression he normally wore. "But I don't think you know how to be."

"I can!" Lyra huffed, Pan letting out a little yowl in agreement. Stelmaria just laughed and nipped his ear. "I'll be good and go to school and everything, then you have to make it for me again tomorrow."

Asriel just nodded. It was an agreement, so she'd take it. Pan was also content with it and settled back down against Stelmaria, happily snuggling up against her. Lyra slurped on her hot chocolate with a wide smile.

“Oh! Father, just the other day we went on a field trip with school. We went by bus to a nearby forest and got shown around. They was telling us all kinds of survival stuff, but I already knew it all! I even showed them how to start a fire like you showed me, and how to keep warm if caught outside. They was all impressed. The other kids wouldn’t leave me alone the rest of the time, they were begging me to tell them more.”

“And did you?”

“Only after they promised to do everything I said at school,” Lyra elaborated, free hand flying all over the place. “You see there’s a boy in my class whose dad’s a king from somewhere else and he’s the boss in the playground. Me n’ Roger don’t like him very much, he’s too stuck up. So I got all the other kids to say they’d follow me before i told ‘em anything else.”

“A prince in your school? I doubt that’s true, Lyra.”

“It is true!”

“Then that boy’s a liar just like you.”

“I’m not a liar!” Lyra huffed, completely lying. “It’s all true! Now I’m gonna be in charge in the playground. Everyone will have to listen to what I say!”

“Now I believe that,” Asriel chuckled, lips pulling back to reveal sharp canines. “You’re my daughter after all. Very smart of you to use your knowledge to get others to obey.”

Lyra wasn’t quite sure what he meant by that, but she knew he was praising her, and her chest swelled with pride. She straightened up her back and held herself higher. Pan pressed his face against Stelmaria, chirruping cheerfully. The older daemon’s gaze was indulgent, gently batting Pan with her paw.

“Just the other day I was out in the streets,” Lyra continued, deciding on the next story to spin. “We was waging war on the kids from that bigger school in the centre. They won last time cause I wasn’t there, so I led my troops onto the roofs to catch ‘em by surprise. They didn’t know what hit ‘em when we started pelting ‘em with rocks from above. Pan was the strongest of them all, too, nobody could beat us! They all went running back home crying.”

“Is that so?”

“It is! Afterwards everyone was praising me, saying I was the smartest. I’m our war leader, y’know, without me no good decision is made. Roger even gave me half his dinner after!”

“Mm.” Asriel wasn’t really paying attention now, gaze drifting to his watch. “Isn’t it time for little girls to go to bed?”

“No! It’s not late at all!” Lyra absolutely did not want to go to bed. Not when her father was home. And it wasn’t even her bedtime yet… not that she had a bedtime since there were no adults to properly check on her or make sure she actually stayed in bed. Normally she just went to sleep when she was actually tired. She wasn’t right now.

“I think it is. It’s almost your bedtime.”

“I don’t have one of those!”

“Oh, but you do. Are you telling me you haven’t been sticking to it? Do I need to ask someone to come check more regularly at night?”

“No, I stick to it,” Lyra lied, as if she didn’t just get right back up after pretending to go to sleep for whoever came to corral her into bed. “It’s just a special occasion, father, cause you’re back! You’re never back.”

“Fine,” Asriel let out a sigh, clearly not wanting to argue further. Lyra grinned at her victory. “You can stay up a bit longer, but you have to be silent. I have important documents to read.”

“Ok, I’ll be quiet!” Lyra nodded. That was easy. She had a book too, discarded at her feet from when she’d last tried to read it. Maybe it was time to get back to it. Except it was a book for school and it was boring. Nothing about it kept her attention, legs bouncing all over the place and eyes unable to keep on the words on the paper.

"What're you reading?" Of course Lyra couldn't be silent for more than a few moments. She was much too excited for that! She peered over at Asriel with wide, curious eyes.

"Expedition plans," Asriel responded eventually, after looking at Lyra for a while. Maybe he was trying to see if he could get away with ignoring her... But she made it obvious he couldn't when Pan started squirming against Stelmaria again. He could read those papers anytime! Her time was much more precious, since she has school tomorrow. "Quite interesting, really. To think someone with very little practical experience could write something so nuanced. Of course I'll need to get plenty changed, but it saves me a lot of time here that could be spent out there."

Lyra nodded, enthralled by his every word even if half of it went over his head and the other half wasn't really that interesting. But he was talking to her! About his work! "Where's the expedition to?"

"The north pole, of course," Asriel snorted dismissively. "It's not a place you can just visit, no matter how many times I have been. Our base and laboratories are in Svalbard and the journey further north from there is a difficult one. The ice floes are difficult to predict, and you can only get so far by boat before having to go by foot. Can you imagine how dangerous it is to navigate a surface that is constantly changing? It's why most of our operations are in Svalbard... Which has harsh conditions too. Each journey to the north pole is costly and dangerous. Thankfully we rarely need to..."

Lyra tried to pay attention, fighting off the sleepiness that was coming from the soothing sound of her father's voice and the comfort radiating off Pan cuddling with Stelmaria. She had faint memories of when she was younger and ill, Asriel reading research paper after research paper to try and help her sleep. Since then the best bedtime story for her was anything he read or spoke about.

But this time she wanted to stay awake, it wasn't even that late! Her eyelids felt heavy, head dropping occasionally until she shook herself out of it.

"You see in Svalbard..."

She stifled a yawn, eyes fluttering closed. She wanted to stay awake but was fighting a losing battle.

Asriel realised there had been no response, or annoying questions, a few minutes into talking about his planned expedition. Normally he had Lyra's rapt attention during details that would bore even the most studious of professors, hanging onto every word he said. The interruptions were less appreciated than her attention. Perhaps she'd finally learned how to listen silently?

Or not, he felt Stelmaria's amusement as he turned to find Lyra dozing in the armchair. She'd slouched half over the arm, shoulders at an awkward angle that didn't look at all comfortable. Her hair had messily fallen across her face and her lips were slightly parted. A smile, a genuine one, played on his lips at the sight of her. So unruly even in her sleep.

"Lyra?" He said softly, to make sure she was actually asleep.

"They're asleep," Stelmaria rumbled, gently nudging Snow Leopard Pan where he was curled into her fur. "It's not just been a long day for us."

"Indeed it hasn't." Asriel reluctantly put down his wine glass, approaching Lyra and scooping her up into his arms. One arm hooked under her legs and the other supported her back, her head lolling back against his chest. Stelmaria picked up Pan by the scruff of his neck. It was easy enough to carry them both, neither too heavy and Lyra's room so close.

He looked down at her with a soft sigh. When had she gotten so big? It would be a long time before he couldn't carry her at all, but he remembered when he could lift her with just one arm.

All children grow quickly, Stelmaria thought to him from his side. He inclined his head. She was right, it was nothing to get caught up in. He made the decision to be away from his daughter for such long periods anyway. Of course she'd be bigger when she was back.

He carried her into her room, followed by Stelmaria and Pan, and carefully settled her down in her bed. Stelmaria reached up onto the bed and placed Pan next to Lyra. In his sleep he shifted into an ermine, cuddling closer to Lyra who smiled softly. Making sure not to disturb them Asriel moved Lyra off her duvet and pulled it up over her.

Once she was all tucked in he stepped back, and had a chance to take in the room he was in.

Asriel didn't go into Lyra's room often. He wasn't around and even when he was he believed privacy was very important, even for a young child. Occasions where he had to carry her to bed were few and far between, last happening when she was even smaller. A lot had changed since then.

Lyra's room looked more lived in than the rest of the apartment, which was minimally decorated and only filled with what was needed practically. Her bed was small with powder blue covers now pulled up over her sleeping body. A messy desk was pushed against the wall, clothes strewn over the back of the chair and floor. Asriel screwed up his nose. What was more interesting was the small bookshelf, a surprising sight for a girl who always called reading boring. A quick glance showed it was mostly fantasy fiction, but a few caught his eye - an informational book about the arctic, a guide to map reading, a kids science book, and a book about the aurora borealis. At least she wasn't entirely wasting the intellect she'd inherited from her parents.

There was a framed photo on top of the bookshelf, a picture of the two of them three years ago when there'd been mandatory staff pictures. A few of the other professors had suggested they get a photo taken too, and Asriel obliged so that he didn't have to deal with constant pestering or temper tantrums from Lyra. How she'd gotten a hold of a copy, though, he had no idea.

It was time to leave before he got too caught up on it. On his way out of the small room, which seemed to show him Lyra's whole world, he paused again. On the wall were stuck four postcards, each with scrawled cursive and signed with his name. They had barely any text on them - merely things he'd picked up when he saw them and remembered the daughter back home who always begged him to send letters (even when she got a phone). To think she actually kept them... Asriel smiled, Stelmaria rubbing against his legs.

Then he left.

For once, it was the light spilling through her half open curtains that woke Lyra rather than the multiple alarms she had set. Pan stretched out with a little yawn beside her, snuggling into her hair with a sleepy mumble. Lyra closed her eyes and considered going back to sleep till her alarms went off.

Wait!

Her father was here... They could have breakfast together! Lyra instantly shot out of bed, scrambling to throw on some clean clothes from her wardrobe. Baggy, blue trousers and a plain t-shirt would have to do. Pan leapt onto her shoulder, shifting into a bird as he did with an excited chirp.

"Father, good morning!" Lyra barreled out of her room, freezing midway through the door. The living room was empty. No signs of life. Not even an empty coffee mug. Maybe he was still asleep?

"Wake up!" Lyra rapped on Asriel's bedroom door, even knowing she would get in trouble. Silence. She knocked louder. "Time to get up!"

There was no response, so she tried his study next. Again there was silence and the room was locked.

Bang bang bang.

A loud knock on the apartment door had her running to yank it open without checking who was outside.

"Where did-" she ground to a halt mid sentence.

"What's gotten into you?" Roger looked up at her inquiringly. "D'you not want breakfast?"

"How come you're here?" Lyra said before she could stop herself, absentmindedly stepping aside to let him in. "We don't eat together when my father is here."

Because it was easier, Roger would grab them both breakfast and eat with Lyra in her flat. It was nicer than the shared space he had with other college staff. But of course he couldn't on the days Asriel was around.

"You didn't know?" Roger gave her a funny look as he set down a tray of food on the table. "He left early this morning. Break of dawn I think. Bunch of the other staff were disgruntled cause they had to wake up for it."

"He left?" Lyra felt her throat close up, a coldness washing over him. Pan whined and burrowed into her hair as a mouth. "Are you sure?"

"Certain." Roger's expression turned from confusion to sympathy, but she barely noticed it as she collapsed into a chair.

He'd left without saying anything. After he'd promised that he would be here for the next few days, that he'd make her hot chocolate again if she was good. And this time she'd believed him. Really, actually believed him. But he'd just left like that without even a note. Just gone.

Yet another promise broken, so callously ripping into Lyra's heart as if she didn't matter.

Chapter Text

School was boring.

It always was for Lyra. They never learned anything interesting. It was always basic maths, or reading, or history. She already knew all the maths they taught her, she didn't want to read boring "age appropriate classics" and she couldn't care less about history. The rare times they did science it was so simple. She already knew it from stealing books in the college that she was actually interested in, or the few times Asriel took it on himself to teach her.

She hated it.

What made it even more dire was that Roger was two tables away from her, separated after they kept talking too much. It always happened a few months into a new year and a new teacher... They quickly caught on to the dynamics between the two of them. Roger was quiet when Lyra wasn't beside him, but Lyra just wasn't quiet at all. So of course when the seats had changed she was forced onto a table near the teacher's surrounded by a bunch of goodie two shoes. The only other troublemaker was on the other side of their 4 person table, too far away to whisper to.

It wasn't enough to stop her.

She ripped a piece of paper out from her workbook, quickly scribbling her message across it. Her scrawled handwriting was just readable because she just didn't care enough to make it any better. If she tried, her writing could be beautiful according to her teacher. Her cursive was better than many her age, and many of her teachers forced her to do just that. She just didn't care enough. Her father's writing was messy too but she could read it, wasn't that enough?

It was easy to wait for the teachers back to be turned before lobbing the crumpled up note onto Roger's desk. She was an accurate shot after loads of practice throwing rocks at other kids, and various smaller things at the professors around Jordan. Getting a note onto Roger's desk was a piece of cake. Roger hesitantly took the note, opening it under his desk. He turned to look at Lyra with a frown. She grinned and gave him a thumbs up.

After some thought, Roger eventually nodded.

Great, he'd agreed! She knew he would. Time to put her plan into action.

"Miss," Lyra raised her hand, slouching over her desk with an exaggerated groan. Her teacher was young and easier to fool than last year's, so she had confidence in her acting. She clutched her stomach and twisted her face into a perfect expression of pain. She clawed at her leg and shifted constantly as if trying to get comfortable, but being unable to. "My stomach hurts so much, I need to go to the nurse's."

The teacher hurried over to her, giving her a once over and instantly falling for it.

"Someone take Lyra to the nurse's office. Tom, you-"

"I want Roger," Lyra groaned, fake tears filling her eyes. Pretending to cry really wasn't that hard when she put her mind to it. "It needs to be Roger."

"Alright, Roger, you take her." The teacher was visibly flustered as Lyra let out another pained groan. "Hurry!"

Roger jumped to his feet, running around to support Lyra under her shoulders. Pan put on a good show of clinging to her chest, little chest heaving up and down as a rat. Salcilia flickered between shapes as if concerned while following them. It was a bit difficult to fake getting supported out by Roger without putting her full weight on him, but they managed. Soon they were out of the classroom and half way down the corridor.

"I'm not sure ‘bout this Lyra, won't they check the office?" Roger whispered, Salcilia trembling behind him. "We'd get in trouble."

"Nah they won't," Lyra waved her hand with a laugh, pulling away from Roger with a spring in her step. Her act of being ill was completely gone, Pan turning into a fox with a cheerful chirp and strutting in front of her. "C'mon, let's have some fun! Class is so boring anyway and we don't learn anything."

"I learn," Roger muttered, promptly ignored by Lyra who grabbed his hand and dragged him towards the nearest exit. She grinned widely as she pulled him outside, their daemons shifting and soaring as birds above their heads.

Outside they could have much more fun - sneaking about the school playground and maybe even climbing over the fence and into the city. There were endless possibilities and endless fun for her and Roger to have out here. First they'd go to their favourite spot, an alley-like space between the main building and the caretaker's home. Then they'd decide what they wanted to play.

At least, that was the plan.

Their spot wasn't empty. There were three boys there, slightly bigger and older than them. Lyra recognised them as known school troublemakers from the year above them - age 11 and thinking they owned the world (or at least the playground). She'd clashed with them before a few times. They always got on her nerves.

"Eh, who do we have here?" One of them looked up with a taunting grin, swaggering up to Lyra and Roger. "Lyra and her little friend."

"Get out of our space," Lyra snarled, Pan shifting to a leopard at her side and growling.

The boy just laughed. His own demon was a hyena, salivating and baring her sharp teeth. "Or what? You and your boyfriend gonna go cry to the teachers? That's all girls can do anyway, tell on us to the teachers and cry."

"Shut up." Lyra's eyes narrowed into fierce points, lips curling back to show her teeth. "I e'nt like that."

"Really? Well we ain't gonna move for you."

"Lyra, we should just go," Roger urged her, grabbing her hand. Salcilia paced behind him as a terrier, whining at Pan to stop. "C'mon, it's not worth it."

"That's it, run away like a coward. Orphans should know their place."

Something inside Lyra had snapped. She'd never had much self control, and without Roger she would have lost it far earlier. But this was too far. Pan growled deep in his throat, tensing his body and fluffing up his fur.

"I'm not a coward! You're the bloody coward!" She leapt at the boy, kneeing him in the stomach as she did. Pan was on top of his daemon, tearing into his skin with sharp claws. Daemon and human both fought viciously, raking nails and claws alike against their opponent. Lyra snarled, eyes wild and savage as she attacked him. The boy didn't take it sitting down, fighting back with all of his strength. The boy shoved Lyra onto her back, stomping hard into her leg. Pan pinned his daemon before he could do it again. She let out a yell and lunged for him again.

How dare he talk about Roger like that! Rage fueled her and grabbed onto his hair, pulling and biting into his clothed shoulder. His scream was music to her ears. Just a little bit more and she'd show him-

"Restrain their daemons!" Arms far stronger than her grabbed Lyra, pulling her off the boy and away. Someone else was holding him back too. A gasp escaped her lips as he felt Pan being pinned down by a stronger daemon, an adult daemon, and she was also pinned in place by it. She hated it.

Lyra had just wanted to sneak out of class... Now that she was coming back to her senses she realised how stupid she'd been. She should have just walked away like Roger told her to. But she'd just seen red! All there had been was anger. She couldn't hold back.

"I supposed I'll be suspended," Lyra muttered, sitting next to Roger outside the headmaster's office. Pan was curled around her neck as an ermine, whining faintly. "Him too I hope."

"Probably," Roger shook his head. "I'll be in trouble too I bet."

"Not as much."

"Yeah, that's something." He took a closer look at her. "You're gonna have a nasty black eye tomorrow."

"Am I?" Lyra raised a hand to her eye, wincing at the feel of the tender skin beneath it. "I'll just look stronger then."

"And stupider," Roger retorted, pulling away and giggling when Lyra tried to jab his side. He smiled, grabbing her hand before she could try again. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Defending me. I know he was also talking bout you even if you e'nt actually an orphan, but I really 'preciate it."

Lyra paused, hand falling back down to her lap. She hadn't really thought about anything after she'd heard that, everything turning to static and anger filling her veins. Yes, she had been upset that he'd say that about Roger. But she was also sad that it was said about her... She had a father, even if he wasn't always there. The feelings were conflicted.

But really, she cared more about Roger's hurt.

"That's alright, I'll always defend you, even if it means getting in trouble."

Roger snorted. "You always get in trouble."

"Shut up," Lyra rolled her eyes, though a grin split her lips. "I'll get in more trouble for you than anything else, I swear it. Cause you're my best friend, Roger, and best friends protect each other."

-

Asriel was next back after almost another year, missing another birthday and Christmas.

Even though he'd actually messaged Lyra this time, albeit a few days late for her birthday, she was still upset with him. The one phone call they had less than a month earlier had ended in a shouting match and tears on Lyra's side, all over a lecture Asriel had given her about skipping class and causing fights in the very same day. Because of course that of all things had reached him. Her father thought she was a miscreant and a brat, whereas she yelled back that she didn't have any good role models anyway and why did he even care when he'd abandoned her?

She'd heard a low growl in the background that had Pan cowering at her neck through the next ten minutes of her father's harsh, bitten out words. He didn't quite shout - but his voice was loud enough he didn't have to, and his boiling anger punctuated everything he said.

She was still hurt and had no outlet for this, since he had ignored all of her messages since. It wasn't like she'd said anything but the truth. So she decided to avoid him for the first day he was back. She would just pretend he wasn't even there... Because he rarely was anyway. Thanks to Roger she knew he'd be there in the late afternoon and was having dinner with the master that evening. While Roger had told her so she could find him once school was done, she planned to use it to avoid him.

Even if Lyra really, deep down did want to see him. Her dad was rarely back and any time with him was precious... But no, she had to make a stand! Otherwise he wouldn't pay attention to how upset she was.

When school finished, Lyra gave Roger an excuse and ran off. If they walked back together she'd have to go see her father or tell Roger why she didn't want to, and she didn't want to worry Roger. He had to help out at the college tonight anyway. This time she wasn't going to get him in trouble too.

"Let's go find some of the other kids," Lyra grinned to Pan as she jogged through Oxford itself, darting down side alleys she knew too well. Pan swooped over her head as a swallow.

"What about the Costas? They're back."

"No way! I e'nt going there, last time Ma Costa ratted me out to my father. No way, let's play outside."

"But it's so cold," Pan huffed, landing on her shoulder and turning into an ermine. He burrowed into her scarf. Lyra rolled her eyes at him.

"Wuss, hardly. It's not even raining!"

It didn't take Lyra long to find a small group of her townie friends, hanging out at their normal spot on the outskirts of a play park. She was on good terms with them right now, a winter truce after kids from her area had fought those in more central oxford. It was too cold and dangerous to be fighting just now, instead they just hung around kicking cans and playing games.

Today someone had stolen a football from the school, so Lyra threw herself right into it. The dirty field, with sparse patches of grass, was frozen solid beneath her feet - it didn't bother her though, she'd never slip. Some of the boys did and she joined the others in laughing before trumping them in the match.

Unfortunately everyone else couldn't stay out forever, as it began to get dark around dinner time and all the other kids were called home. Lyra was left alone again, laughing and pretending she was going back to the college for food too. Instead she kicked about a plastic bottle left on the pavement while figuring out what to do.

"Let's just go back," Pan wrinkled his nose, burying his head into her slightly damp hair. "We're all muddy now."

"No way," Lyra stubbornly shook her head. Once she'd made a decision she wasn't going to back down from it. Nothing could change her mind, even the growling of her stomach and the biting cold trying to penetrate the many layers she wore. She shoved a hand in her pockets and rifled around for change. "I knew it! I have enough for chips, let's grab those and have 'em on the roof."

"The master gave us that for school supplies," Pan trembled against her neck, eyeing the fiver she'd pulled out of her pocket.

Lyra didn't care about that. If he wanted her to get school stuff he should just give her that, she would never buy them herself. It was much better to stash the money and use it at moments like this. Now she didn't have to go hungry, or break and go into the college cafeteria! Her father was sure to be shocked, but maybe he'd compliment her for her smarts too. After he apologised of course.

Darkness had fully covered Oxford by the time Lyra got her chips from the chippy, in a little styrofoam box and absolutely covered in salt. She whistled and skipped back towards the college, Pan trotting at her side as a husky. The sweeping courtyards and lanes of Jordan were empty, most people either at dinner or having gone home at this hour. It was the perfect time for her to come back if she didn't want to get caught by anyone. Not that there were many people watching out for Lyra, just a few of the on campus lecturers and the staff. She'd had a nanny once in charge of all of this stuff, but she'd quit after Lyra drove her to her wit's end years ago. Her father had never bothered to find a replacement.

"It's too cold to be out," Pan complained, following close behind Lyra as she scaled a half broken down wall to reach a flat roof that led to the rest of the college. "We'll freeze there."

"I e'nt scared of the cold, it's much colder where father goes and he survives."

"He's got all the gear for the cold. You just have a winter jacket that you outgrew last year."

"It's warm," Lyra retorted, ignoring the chill against her exposed wrists thanks to the sleeves no longer covering them. "Why don't you run back to Stelmaria then."

Pan huffed, shifting into a hawk and landing on Lyra's shoulder. "I don't want to see her."

"Then we're in agreement," Lyra grinned. "No going back till it's late."

Even though the area was dimly lit, the main source being the stars, Lyra traversed the roofs with ease. She knew them like the back of the hand having spent so much of her life up here. It wasn't hard to find and scale all the easy to climb spots, running along the top of walls until she reached her secret spot.

She dropped her school bag on the floor, rummaging around to pull out her PE kit and the container of chips. The PE kit was dumped on the floor to sit on cross legged, chips opened in front of her with a gleeful grin. The joy of her own secret meal, away from nosy adults, was enough to cope with the biting cold. It was getting worse now the sun had sunk beyond the horizon, especially since under her jacket she was wearing her school uniform. Her tights were thick but they weren't the same as trousers.

That was the one bad thing about not going straight home from school, she was stuck wearing the skirt that was part of mandatory uniform for girls. How she hated it and how stupid she found it. Normally it was the first thing she did after school... But today avoiding her father was more important.

"Mmm, it's good," Lyra groaned as she dug into her chips, Pan curled up in her lap as a husky again for extra warmth. "Maybe I should have chips every night."

"You'd get sick of them quickly," Pan snorted, batting a paw against her leg. She scowled at him, tempted to shake him off her. But then she'd be much colder... Pan was being annoying, but he was a good leg warmer. "It's good cause you can't get it often."

"I think chips everyday would be better than cafeteria food. Just last week the broccoli dissolved." Lyra gagged. It had been a disgusting sight.

"You don't eat vegetables unless they're forced onto you... And the head cook was off, Roger said."

"Was still gross," Lyra shook her head, finishing off her food. It wasn't quite as filling as she'd hoped, but she wasn't able to afford a proper fish supper or the like. She'd make herself some toast when she got back, since she'd actually stocked up on some food the week before (at Roger's insistence).

She might have gotten a little extra in case her father wanted any food, just in case.

"Lyra, it's too cold, let's go back already," Pan whined, pressing closer to her chest and hiding his snout under his paws. Lyra was about to roll her eyes at him when an icy wind whistled past, penetrating her work jacket and chilling her to the bones. She shivered.

Maybe Pan was right. Maybe she should go back now and have something warm to drink before bed. Maybe father would already be home... Or he wouldn't be, and all this would be for nothing.

"No, we're going to tough it out a little longer. Let's pretend we're explorers stuck in the Arctic. It can be practice!"

Pan shivered, shifting from a husky into a snow leopard cub. He covered slightly less of Lyra but this form dealt with the cold a little better, and him being more comfortable meant Lyra was too. Her chest felt less constricted. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him closer against her so they could properly share body heats.

Lyra wasn't sure how long they stayed there for, time ticking forward as they held each other in dimly lit space and talked in low voices. Eventually it became too much, temperatures dropping and dropping as the evening dragged on. Even Lyra had to admit defeat.

"Alright, let's go back. Father's gotta be home, right? It's..." A quick check of her low battery phone, "almost eleven."

"Unless he's having a drink with the other scholars," Pan rumbled, climbing off Lyra with a stretch. His white fur shone in the moonlight, all puffed up in an attempt to ward off the freezing cold. "Better be careful on the way back, Lyra, there might be ice."

Lyra didn't think it was cold enough for there to be ice, but Pan always paid more attention in class than her so she took his word for it and took extra care traversing the roofs back towards their flat. It was a shorter route, scaling over one roof before mostly running along the top of old wide walls. She was getting close, almost at a low section she could easily hop off at the courtyard opposite their flat. It was a longer route than if she'd gone down further away and taken the corridors, but she was less likely to bump into someone-

A bright light illuminated her mid jump, almost blinding her. She fell to the cobbled ground with a cry, scraping her hands as she used them to stop herself from falling on her face. Pan landed on her back with a squeak. She grit her teeth against the stinging pain, standing up and squinting at the flashlight holder. It was one of the night security guards, Gordan, who she had an antagonistic relationship with - far too often did she cause trouble for him.

"Lyra Belacqua! I knew you'd be up there." Then, into a radio. "I've found her."

Before she could run there was a firm hand on her shoulder. She was no match for an adult man.

"You're in trouble, little missy! Everyone's been lookin' all o'er for you! When yer da gets you yer in for a beating."

"It's illegal if he leaves marks," Lyra replied very matter of factly, face the picture of innocence. "He won't care much anyway."

"Why, you lil brat." Gordan grunted, forcing her to move a bit faster. It wasn't that far, just across a courtyard and into the flat block, then up the stairs. She found herself grateful, the grip on her shoulder uncomfortable, but dread also pooled in her stomach. For all her confidence she could barely breathe at the thought of facing her father's anger.

Then again, what right did he have? This was all his fault anyway. She gritted her teeth, lips twisting into a scowl and eyes defiant. Fear was for the weak, anyway. She just had to push it down and let her own anger take over. Her father always brought that out in her - while she feared him, she was far too stubborn to cower away. Pan disagreed, now a mouse trembling at her neck.

They reached the flat, Gordon hitting the door with two sharp knocks. It was immediately flung open, revealing Asriel looking with wild eyes and a fierce frown. His chest was heaving as if he had been running, his hand clenched around the door handle so hard his veins were visible. He barked out a short thank you, before grabbing Lyra forcefully and pulling her into the room. The door slammed shut behind them.

Lyra winced, struggling against his grip even though she knew there was no use. He was far stronger than her. His whole body exuded power at all times, and it wasn't just for show. She knew that too well. "Let go of me!"

"Just where have you been?" Asriel gritted out, teeth bared and gaze cutting. Stelmaria prowled around Lyra with a growl. He finally let go of her arm when she was far enough into the room to have no escape, towering over her. Lyra rubbed her arm and scowled up at him, entire body taut with defiance. "Do you have any idea what time it is?! You have clearly been told time and time again to be back at the college for dinner. That isn't just a request. Everyone has been wasting their time looking for you! Playing truant and ignoring phone calls, really Lyra, you are insufferable."

"The battery died," she lied, even though what she'd actually done was turn on airplane mode. Her fists clenched at her side and her scowl turned sullen under her father's harsh glare. "What do you care anyway?! You probably didn't know I was gone! Bet Roger said 'cause he didn't see me at dinner, no one else cares about me!"

"Didn't know? Hah! I may not be the perfect father, but I know perfectly well when my daughter isn't home. You have crossed the line, Lyra. You are a child and it's not your place to question adult's rules. Do you think it's just for fun? What if you had been kidnapped, or something had happened to you. I was this close to calling the police. How embarrassing would that be?"

"Embarrassing?" Lyra snarled, shoulders trembling. Asriel wasn't in much better of a state, face darkened with anger and chest heaving. He was closer now too, close enough to grab and shake her if he wished to. "That's all you ever care about! Not me, just yourself and your work and your reputation. Why even keep me? You only ever talk to me when you're angry! That's why I didn't come home, because I didn't want to see you! I don't care about your stupid rules!"

Stelmaria bared her teeth, sharp claws scraping across the carpet as she took a warning step forward. Asriel's hands landed on Lyra's shoulders, digging into her flesh. Barely restrained rage danced across his fierce face. "You think you have it so hard? I feed you, I clothe you, I give you a warm home. Do you think it benefits me? I have to deal with a brat who won't listen to a single word, and has the insolence to shout back as if you're in the right."

"Kids e'nt meant to benefit you, you're meant to just love them!" Lyra felt a lump in her throat, bottom lip trembling. Don't cry. She really didn't want to cry. "You're hardly a father, only caring when it benefits you, leaving without a word and coming back just to shout at me. I don't want a father like you anyway- you e'nt- e'nt even a father. You're not."

She choked on sobs that she was barely managing to push down, hands clenched into her school skirt. She gripped the fabric and tried to push the tears away.

"Lyra," Asriel barked, fingers digging harder into her shoulders. Lyra suddenly felt so small and lost, her father looming over her and seeming to block out all the light. Pan whimpered at her neck. She didn't dare look at him anymore, seeing the savage glint in his eyes and the angry sneer of his lips, teeth visible. She bit back another sob, tears slipping down her cheek. "You insolent child. I didn't spend my evening searching every inch of the campus for you to listen to this! If I'm not your father, who is? I've let you run about like a wild thing for too long-"

"Asriel, stop," Stelmaria interrupted, green eyes looking up at Lyra.

Lyra couldn't hold back any longer. After the first tear was spilled they kept coming, until it was a torrent down her cheeks. Hiccups wracked her as she tried to hold back the sobs, gripping the fabric of her skirt so tight it was crumpled. It felt like something was squeezing her chest until she couldn't breath, gasping sobs escaping her lips. She just wanted to be anywhere but here. She was so angry, but so miserable at the same time. Why did she have to go through all this? All she wanted was some attention from her father.

"Lyra," Asriel coughed, hands loosening their grip on her shoulders. His anger was still there, simmering beneath the surface, but he was no longer shouting at her. Stelmaria paced in front of her, neck craning up in an attempt to see Pan where he hid in Lyra's hair. "Don't cry. A Belacqua doesn't cry."

"I don't want to!" Lyra sobbed, shaking. If she wasn't so distraught she'd take some pleasure from his bewilderment, but all she wanted was some comfort. "I really didn't want to."

She hated this. She hated crying at any time, especially in front of someone else. If it was just her and Pan she could pretend it didn't happen. Her father was the person she wanted to cry in front of the least. Her thoughts only continued to spiral, sobs choking her and coming out as loud hiccups. Ugly tears were streaming down her face now, snot dripping out of her nose and Pan buried in her hair as a mouse.

"There, there, child, it's alright." She felt Stelmaria press a head against Lyra's leg, rumbled purr far softer than something that should come from an apex predator. Pan let out a whine, trembling. This only caused Lyra to cry more in the face of the daemon's slight comfort and her father's continued inaction.

"I just wanted you to pay attention to me," she sobbed. "But you only call when you're mad. You don't tell me when you're leaving or coming back. I- I wanted you to feel what I do every day."

She sniffed, looking down at her hands dug into her skirt. Pan pressed against her neck, soft fur rubbing against her skin comfortingly. It was fine. They always looked after each other.

"I see," Asriel coughed, awkwardness tinting his harsh voice. His hands dropped from Lyra's shoulders and wrapped around her, pulling her in for an uncomfortable hug. He rubbed her back as she cried against his chest, hesitant and awkward but doing what seemed right. Lyra pressed her face into his jumper, warm and musty and smelling entirely of him. Her hands clenched in the wool fabric as she continued to cry, soaking through it. They were silent, because Lyra could only cry and Asriel didn't know what to say.

But his strong, powerful arms around her and the soothing motion of calloused hands on her back was enough. He hadn't hugged her like this since she was five, just as precocious and even smaller. She didn't remember why, she just remembered the safety she'd felt in her arms. Just like she did now. She felt stable, comfortable in the knowledge that he was right here right now with her. She did have a father.

Eventually her sobs subsided, leaving her eyes tired and red. Exhaustion captured her whole body and she went limp against Asriel.

"Better now?" Asriel pulled back, holding her away from him. Lyra nodded. Pan emerged from his spot against her neck, slipping down her front and landing on Stelmaria's back. He pressed himself into her fur. "Come on, sit down now. We still need to talk."

Asriel led Lyra to her chair, gently pressing her down onto it. Stelmaria followed and curled at her feet, Pan snuggled up on top of her with a yawn. Lyra watched as Asriel let out a sigh, brow furrowed and lips set in a thin line. He didn't seem angry anymore, at least he wasn't shouting at her and his eyes weren't filled with the fierce rage she'd witnessed earlier. But he wasn't exactly happy.

"I need you to promise not to do that again. Can you do that for me, Lyra?"

He didn't sit down, instead standing in front of her. She had to crane her neck to look up at him, feeling the difference in height all the more like this. It made him more intimidating and domineering like this, even if his expression wasn't shadowed by anger anymore. He was still lecturing her, just more carefully this time. It was no longer a fight.

She didn't have the energy to argue anymore anyway.

"Lyra."

"I won't do it again," Lyra mumbled, mostly truthful. She wouldn't stay out so late anymore when her father was around at least, and not so spitefully.

"Good. I heard you were up on the roof. You need to stop playing up there so much, especially in winter. Before you protest it's not for some silly reason, you're my child after all. It's unsafe. I'm just... Concerned."

"We were both worried today," Stelmaria said for her human, who turned away with a grunt. "You could have been hurt and no one would know. That's why Asriel was so angry."

"Stelmaria," Asriel glared at his daemon. Lyra stifled a giggle when Asriel glared at her too. "Understood?"

Lyra nodded.

"Good. You're grounded for the next week. Come here right away after school, no playing or wandering off with that little friend of yours. I'll make sure of it myself for the next few days. Now, have you eaten?"

"I got something while outside."

"Mm, then off to bed with you. It's late, and disobedient little girls don't get to stay up past their bedtime."

Normally Lyra would complain and pester Asriel until he allowed her to stay up, but this time she didn't bother. Her body felt heavy, drained of energy as if she'd cried it all out. Pan was close to falling asleep pressed up against Stelmaria, sleepily whining when she licked the top of his head. He didn't struggle when Stelmaria gently lifted him in her teeth, nor did Lyra when Asriel pulled her up and pushed her towards her bedroom. She only froze when she was halfway through the door.

"You'll be here tomorrow?" she turned around, pushing back the tiredness. She needed to know, and she was going to watch him carefully to make sure he didn't lie tomorrow.

"I will."

"Actually, this time?"

"Yes," Asriel shook his head at her, gaze frustrated but not angry. "Now go to bed, Lyra."

Lyra nodded, Pan changed into a snow white ermine and climbed up into her arms. "Goodnight, father."

"Goodnight."

-

"Who's my mum?" Lyra sat on the living room floor, homework spread out in front of her. She'd been lying on her stomach doing work while Pan watched as a wild cat, offering answers here and there. He often paid more attention than she did. It was only when she'd gotten to her next assignment that she'd sat up, nose wrinkled and looking over at Asriel. He'd been home for three days now, not leaving right away just like he'd promised. They'd fallen into a sort of routine, having dinner together then Lyra would finish her homework and Asriel would read his papers. For once the flat actually felt like a home to Lyra, outside of the small space that was her bedroom. "What's her name? Is she dead?"

"What?" The look Asriel gave her from over his book struck her with fear, heavy with a dark rage she didn't understand. What had she done? She thought he seemed to be in a good mood. He was reading on a comfortable chair with a glass of wine on hand, Stelmaria stretched out in front of the fire with eyes half closed. Now any semblance of his relaxed manner was gone. His face was filled with harsh lines again, lips twisted down into a fierce frown that set Lyra's heart thudding in her chest. "Why do you want to know that? Is a father not enough?"

"I- I need to know for an assignment," Lyra stammered, the wind taken out of her sails. She'd been excited to pry him for details about the mum she'd never known... Dead presumably, but hopefully as wonderful as her father was. She must've been smart to have been with Asriel. "We need to write about our mothers."

"What a ridiculous assignment," Asriel snorted. Stelmaria bared her teeth at his side, tail swishing. "Do they teach nothing useful in schools these days? I'll have to have a word with them, don't bother with that assignment."

"So you won't tell me about her? Why not? You know where she is right, you have to. She's not dead, is she? She'd talk about her if she was. Why isn't she here? Please tell me who she is, I'm old enough to know! Most ten year olds know their mums... So why won't you tell me?"

"Because you don't need to know. I'm done with this conversation."

Because Lord Asriel knew what Lyra wanted was a fantasy, a mother that loved her and was tragically torn away. He didn't want to take that away from her, even though he knew one day she'd find out. But it wasn't the time to tell her... Not yet. She was still too young.

Lyra didn't know of his concerns, letting out a huff and stomping away from her spot beside him. She plonked herself down in front of the fire, turning to face Stelmaria where she lounged. Pan shifted into a snow leopard and rubbed his face against her cheeks, cozying up to her.

"Will you tell me who my mother is?" Lyra whispered, as if Asriel wasn't close enough to still hear it. "Please."

"I want to know too," Pan whined, shoving his nose against Stelmaria and looking up at her with big yellow eyes.

"It's just for an assignment, I'm sure-"

"No child," Stelmaria interrupted before she could say too much, a low rumble that was kinder than Asriel's tone. But there was a steel edge to it, a clear indication that she wouldn't budge either. "It's better for you not to know. Both of you."

She looked at Pan, gently licking his head as he whimpered. Lyra pouted, even as comfort flowed over her from Pan. She just didn't understand why she couldn't know. She just wanted a name, and maybe a story. She wouldn't even push that much to find out why her mother wasn't here.

"It isn't fair that we don't know," Lyra murmured, sharing a sorrowful look with Pan. He scurried over to her from Stelmaria and hugged against her chest. "I don't want to meet her. Just know who she is."

"Are we not enough?" Stelmaria replied gently, watching them with unfathomable green eyes. Lyra couldn't tell what Stelmaria was truly feeling, or her father who was silently pretending to read. "Lyra, Pan, your mother is not worth knowing... Her daemon even less so. Some things are best left alone. You don't need them."

That was more than Asriel had said, and it gave Lyra something to think on. She hugged Pan close to her as she tried to process it. Did that mean her mum was dead? Or just on bad terms with Asriel? She'd heard of divorce, classmate's parents who went through it, but they still knew both.

"And it would be better not to think about them much either. I know your curiosity is just like Asriel's, but this isn't the thing to channel it into. Don't fixate on those that aren't here."

Lyra blinked, blushing under Stelmaria's gaze. She'd seen right through her as if it were easy. It was hard to push the swirling thoughts down because she wanted to know her mother, but she wanted to please her father and Stelmaria more. Because Stelmaria was right. They weren't here, and her father was.

"Alright, I won't ask again."

With that Lyra crawled back over to her homework, discarding the piece about mothers and moving onto maths. She shoved away her thoughts about it, storing them in the back of her mind to be unlocked at a later date. One day she'd ask again, but right now her father was far more important to her.

She didn't want to disappoint him.

A relaxed atmosphere fell over them again, Pan tentatively curling up against Stelmaria and Lyra rattling through the mindless problems. She didn't even feel bored once she was done and lay across the floor, just watching Asriel reading in the soft lamp light. She couldn't remember when she'd last felt like this, as if all was right in her little world, safe and worry free. She smiled as she closed her eyes, basking in the comfort of her surrounding company.

-

Asriel left the next day, but he sent her a text before he was gone.

Lyra wished she had seen him to say goodbye, but it was better than nothing. He promised he would be back soon, too, and that was enough for her to hold onto.

Chapter Text

"What is that child doing?" Asriel raised his eyebrow, looking at where Lyra was peering over a chimney that was nowhere near tall enough to hide her. "Does she really think she's hidden? I told her to stop climbing all over the college just months ago. Do my words mean nothing to her? As soon as I'm gone she completely forgets them?"

"She gets it from you," Stelmaria purred teasingly, green eyes watching Pan peering over with Lyra. "You didn't listen as a child either."

"I don't remember being so impertinent."

Stelmaria let out a huff of laughter and he could feel her amusement through their bond. It wasn't possible to hide from the one who'd been with him since his birth. Of course he knew this was from him, the insatiable curiosity and stubbornness were all Belacqua traits. Though the way she got away with this all, twisting her words and lying until people could only forgive her, had her all over it.

He shook his head and continued striding through the courtyards, heavy rucksack slung over his back. Lyra was a constant shadow, following along the rooftops with Pan pattering after her. Asriel didn't understand her excitement. It had only been five months since he was there last, not a long time by most standards. Was there any need for her to scamper about the roofs like a wild thing? He cursed the need for him to come back during the school holidays.

"We should go to the flat first," Stelmaria commented, gaze constantly flickering to Pan scurrying along the roof. "Otherwise they'll never come down."

"I suppose you're right," Asriel grunted. He didn't want to change his plans of going straight in to report for his daughter, but he also didn't like the idea of her continuing to sneak about. She'd just follow him and try to spy. It was a nuisance. It was much better to make things clear to her and have her wait in their flat.

You're worried, Stelmaria teased him. He snorted and didn't say anything in response. It wasn't worry. Just annoyance.

The courtyard before the accommodation building was quiet, just as good a place to scold his unruly daughter as any. He stopped, folding his arms and turning to look at Lyra. She was nearing the edge of the roof now, muscles tensed as if she was planning a sneak attack on him. His eyes narrowed into a glare and his lips twisted into a sardonic smile. Stelmaria flicked her tail and stared at Pan with as much intensity.

"Lyra, come-"

It happened too fast.

Lyra let out a yelp at being caught, eyes going wide and foot twisting where it hit the sloped roof. She crumpled, twisting to try and stop herself falling.

Lyra tumbled off the edge and plummeted towards hard stone. Pan jumped after her with loud, distressed yells and constantly shifted shapes.

"Lyra!" Asriel bolted forward, trying to reach her in time to catch her.

He couldn’t breath, his heart pounding in his ears with each step he got closer.

Stelmaria bounded forward, growl ripped from her throat and paws outstretched as if she could catch Lyra herself. Everything was a blur, dread gripping both of them.

Almost there.

He reached out, fingers practically brushing Lyra’s side as she crashed to the ground.

Lyra’s scream rang in his ears, a sickening crunch echoing around the courtyard as she landed on her side.

Nausea roiled in his stomach and Asriel froze, arm still outstretched.

"MY ARM!" Lyra screamed, rolling into her back and cradling a limp arm against her chest. Tears spilled down her muddy face, her bare knees scraped and bloody. Pan screeched as a crow, flailing beside her, sharing her pain. "My arm, it hurts so much!"

"Lyra, it's alright, I'm here," Asriel ground out, quickly snapping out of it scooping her up in his arms. She went limp against him, continuing to cry and whimper. Her childish face was so twisted in pain. It stabbed him in his chest, heaving breaths ripping through his large frame and cold chills running down his spine. She was so small, so easily injured. How he wished she wasn't so like him, so reckless, when she didn't have the body to cope with it. She was just a child. "Someone call for Thorold! Get my car ready!"

The journey to the hospital was a rush of frantic panic, Stelmaria grooming a squeaking Pan to try and comfort him through his human's pain. Asriel held Lyra in his arms the whole way, rumbling out the most comforting words he could muster while stroking her hair. He kept her as still as he could so her arm wasn't moved too much, wiping away her tears only for more to fall.

"Are you Lyra's parent or guardian?" A stern doctor looked at him over a clipboard, before glancing over at Lyra sleeping in a hospital bed. She'd been given painkillers to help with the agony she was in before going through x-rays and other scans. Exhausted after it all, she'd fallen asleep as nurses worked to put a cast on her arm and cleaned up her other wounds.

"Yes," Asriel answered, forcing himself to look away from his fragile looking daughter to the doctor. "I'm her father, Asriel Belacqua."

"Alright. And how did Lyra get these injuries."

Asriel's hands flexed at his side, before curling into fists. Why did he have to answer this question to find out what was wrong with her? "She fell off a building. Lyra likes to play on the roof all the time even though I tell her not to."

"I see. Well, I'm happy to say, Mr Belacqua, that Lyra came out of it quite well if she fell off a building. Most of her wounds are surface level. She'll have nasty bruises on her side and knees in the coming days. The worst is her arm. It's broken, but in a way that makes it easy to heal. She'll need to wear a cast for six weeks and I'd recommend her resting for the next few days. You can take her home when she wakes up, just pick up a prescription for painkillers on your way out."

Asriel nodded, thanking the doctor. He slumped down in the chair next to Lyra's bed when the doctor had moved on. Stelmaria rubbed her head against his thigh, before putting her paws on the bed and standing on her hind legs to watch both Lyra and Pan. Lyra had curled up around ermine shaped Pan, brow slightly creased but otherwise sleeping peacefully. She didn't seem to be in as much pain anymore. He glanced over her little body quickly, just in case anything was missed. For a while he just watched the rise and fall of her chest, steady and stable.

Only then did he feel like he could breathe again.

Asriel had felt so powerless, a horrible feeling he'd tried to avoid for most of his life. Constant thoughts tore through his mind: what if it had been worse? What if she hit her head and the doctors didn't notice? If only she had listened. If only he had gotten to her faster.

He clenched his jaw and looked down at Lyra, so pale after everything that had happened today. She mumbled in her sleep, turning towards him with a frown. Hesitantly, he reached for her hand and took it in his own. It only showed how small she was in how it was dwarfed by his own, worn and callused with age and work. Hers was much smoother if scraped from her escapades. It felt like with one wrong move he could break it.

This was on him. He wasn't the kind to feel guilty, but Lyra always had a way of making him feel things he thought he was above. He wasn't around enough to stop her from being so wild and reckless, but it was also his presence that had caused her to fall. She was too much like him to stop something just because she was told it was dangerous.

"She's fine, isn't she?" Stelmaria rumbled. "It will teach her to be more careful."

"But not to stay off the roofs."

"No, I think she will keep climbing. Neither of us is surprised about that, considering her parents."

Of course not, with one parent having a snow leopard for a soul and another a monkey. Lyra was born to climb, to break free of the societal restrictions that most held themselves to. He was proud of his daughter in that way even if it frustrated him. There was no constraining her. He wouldn't do that. It was much too like what her mother would do, if she'd stayed with them and raised Lyra. Thankfully that hadn't happened, and he'd ensured Lyra was in a place where her mother would never find her. His distance helped with that.

"Pan will help her be more cautious." Stelmaria placed her head in the bed, nose next to Pan's snow white body. "Just like I reason with you."

"I'm plenty cautious myself." Asriel couldn't entirely argue with her, though. His daemon was just as ambitious as him, but she was also the one that helped him be more sensible. "I'll be giving her a good talking to tomorrow."

Stelmaria rumbled in response, nudging Pan lightly. "They're waking up."

"Perfect. Let's get them home then."

-

Having a broken arm sucked.

It was the first day and she already wanted the cast off. It was such a hassle in the morning, dragging herself out of bed when the late morning sun was too bright on her eyes to keep sleeping through it. Getting dressed was a hassle even with Pan to help her. There was no way she'd be able to climb or do anything fun like this.

She didn't remember all of the last day, from when she fell off the roof while following Asriel. Pain had made her delirious, senses focusing on the excruciating agony only slightly comforted by Asriel's warm arms around her and Stelmaria's gentle grooming of Pan. The hospital tests were a blur of coldness and pain, before she'd passed out on a sterile white bed.

She'd only been half awake when Asriel took her home, half carrying her again and corralling her right into bed when they got back to the flat. It was already dark by then and she hasn't complained. She was too tired and drugged up for that.

But she'd woken up once during the night, feverish and confused. Pan was there with her, bright eyed and trembling. Her whole body felt heavy, like she was made out of lead. She strained her eyes against the faint light and turned her head to the side. Pan squeaked.

Asriel was sitting at her bedside, brow furrowed as he read. His free hand resting on her bed, next to Lyra. Stelmaria lay with her head and front paws on the duvet across Lyra's chest. That was why her body had felt so heavy, and now it was a comforting weight.

She'd wanted to say something to him, but she was still far too tired, and sleep quickly dragged her back into its depths.

He wasn't there anymore when she'd properly woken up.

"I bet he's already gone," Lyra muttered as she tried to pull a t-shirt over her head. Eventually she gave up, taking the button up shirt Pan handed her and clumsily doing it up.

"Maybe he's not." Pan shifted into a chimpanzee to help her with the buttons. "They stayed with us last night."

Lyra hoped that Pan was right but she'd been disappointed so many times it was difficult to be that positive. She sighed, half heartedly brushing her hair before leaving it a messy halo around her head. Not like she was going to see anyone anyway.

It had been strange finding her father in her room when she woke up. It made the small space that truly felt like her own seem even more like home, even safer than before. Warm feelings bloomed in her chest. Was this what it was like to have a present parent? One who would stay with her through the long nights of suffering and hold her through her pain. It had been a new side to Asriel. Unusual, but comforting.

It helped to dull the agony she’d felt then.

She’d never seen him so worried. And it was all about her. She smiled to herself. Even if he had already gone, it was fine. He’d done so much for her.

"I hope we still have bread in the cupboard, I don't wanna go to the cafeteria for-"

"You're finally up?"

Lyra froze just outside her door, mouth opening and closing silently. Asriel raised an eyebrow, lips twitching into an almost taunting smile. He indicated to the other seat at the dining table where he sat, sipping tea and reading the newspaper.

"Come now, the food's about to get cold. I thought you'd never get up?"

"You're still here?" The words spilled out of Lyra's mouth before she could stop them.

"I'm staying for a week," Asriel acted as if what she said was just a normal question, urging her to sit down. Lyra scurried over to her seat and did, grabbing a piece of toast and some baked beans. She peered up at her father from behind her food. He didn't look much different from normal, with a harsh expression and paying little attention to Lyra. But when his eyes moved to her she could see a haggardness in them, and the signs of tiredness were more noticeable the more she looked. "How's your arm?"

"Doesn't hurt much," Lyra mumbled around her toast. "The cast is annoying, can't I take it off?"

"Absolutely not. It's necessary to heal. Though I supposed that would be one way to keep you from climbing again." Asriel sighed, raking a hand through his hair. Stelmaria let out a soft growl. "We will be talking about this later. Don't think you're off the hook just because I was... Concerned yesterday."

"But I'm injured," Lyra whined, attempting to make her eyes as big and cute as she could. Pan turned into a snow leopard and mewled. "You should be nice to injured people. I know what I did wrong, honest."

"I don't believe you, Lyra Belacqua, so don't go pulling that card on me. Finish your breakfast now."

Lyra pouted, even though she'd known it wouldn't work. It was just bad luck that she'd fallen so badly, and even worse luck that Asriel was there to see it. In all her years of climbing it had never happened before. So of course he'd ignored his warnings and rules from when he was last there. They were so pointless! She knew the roofs of Jordan better than anyone, even Roger. Today was a one off.

Part of her felt almost happy that Asriel was like this. It was better than him not caring at all. Yesterday when she'd fallen all she could feel was her own fear, hear thudding in her ears, but she'd seen her father running towards her in those few moments. There'd been a wild fear in her eyes too, his face morphed into an expression she'd never seen before. He'd actually been worried. Just remembering it made her stomach leap.

"Done?" Asriel asked when Lyra had gone a few minutes without eating, leaning back to properly look at her. "Leave the tidying up, I'll send someone to do it. Let's talk."

Lyra bit her lip to stop herself from arguing, trailing after him to the armchairs in the living room. He actually sat down this time, unlike the last time when he'd been mad and kept standing the whole time. She winced after a few steps, ache in her bones worse than she'd thought it would be. It had creeped up on her after a bit of time spent out of bed. Sitting down was easier. Pan leapt up into her lap, rubbing his face against her non broken arm and whining softly.

Asriel took no notice of it, though Stelmaria curled up at Lyra's feet instead of at Asriel's like she normally did. Lyra pushed down a smile. It seemed he really had been worried yesterday, and his daemon's closeness to her showed that all too well.

"I recall telling you just months ago to be careful on the roofs," Asriel narrowed his eyes at her, even if his words were a lazy drawl. As if this were just ceremony, something he had to get through. Stelmaria's flicking tail told otherwise. "You really are something, ignoring my words so quickly. It was all for your safety, Lyra, I hope you see that now."

Lyra didn't say anything, just watching him. For once she didn't feel like arguing back. She knew he was right this time, because she couldn't blame him this time.

"I do not want a repeat of yesterday. I know you'll keep going into the roof no matter what I say, because you're a wild brat, but if this happens again I'll be forced to take harsher measures. I don't want to do that, Lyra. I understand your want for freedom. Be careful. Listen to Pan, and don't go so close to the edge."

"I won't," Lyra nodded, honest for once. She didn't want to fall again, the pain had been horrible, and it wasn't quite worth all the attention she was getting from her normally distant father. Having one arm useless for weeks was a hassle. "I promise, like actually promise. Swear on my heart."

"Good.” Asriel pinched the bridge of his nose, and it was then Lyra noticed his fatigue. He tried to hide it, of course, but it slipped through the cracks for the most astute to notice. Lyra had experience in reading her father, after all. Had he slept at all the night before? She wasn’t sure what time she’d woken, but it had looked dark yet he’d still been awake at her bedside. “You are grounded for the week. No playing with your little friends and no running around the college. I've had to extend my time here thanks to you, so I’ll be here all week to oversee it. Charles has very kindly offered to give you some extra tuition in the morning and I will be with you in the afternoon. I will not tolerate any disobedience. Is that clear?”

“Yes, father,” Lyra replied somewhat sullenly, refusing to meet Asriel’s intense gaze. It was just too much for her, prickling against her skin. He seemed actually irritated now. Was it because he had to be here longer? Wasn’t that a good thing? For him, she guessed it wasn’t.

"We were both worried," Stelmaria purred, causing Lyra's mind to settle down again. "It's good you weren't hurt badly."

"I know you was," Lyra replied eventually, running fingers through Pan's fur and looking down with a light blush. "I woke up last night and seen you beside my bed. You was watching over me, wasn't you?"

"Just to make sure you were still alive. A dead daughter raises a lot of questions."

"You were really worried, weren't you? You actually care about me... I weren't sure before but now I am. You really-"

"Let's stop this conversation here," Asriel cut her off harshly, any hint of previous softness gone from his face. It made Lyra question that it had even happened. "It is getting far too sentimental. I have work to do that was delayed thanks to you, and it needs to be done urgently."

"But what am I supposed to do?" Lyra protested, watching her father stand and get ready to leave. She looked pleadingly at Stelmaria who just flicked her tail and followed Asriel. Willing to speak more openly than Asriel, perhaps, but the daemon was still a part of him. With how close the two were, Lyra shouldn't be surprised or disappointed anymore.

"Entertain yourself. I'll be back in the afternoon, so don't fuss. I'll spend time with you then."

Just like that his coat and shoes were on, swiftly out the door and leaving an empty apartment with only Lyra and Pan remaining.

She felt conflicted and confused, hugging Pan as her young mind to process everything. So her father cared... But he also didn't? Everything that happened yesterday, his fear and warmth, was real. But this morning it was as if that had never been there. Then again he said he'd be back later. Normally he wouldn't see her all day, only returning to the flat for dinner. It was so confusing.

"We shouldn't try to understand adults," Pan squeaked, licking her face comfortingly. "They looked after us yesterday. That's what's important."

Yeah, that was right. There was no point in her worrying and trying to understand something far too complicated for her. Asriel was her father and he'd been there for her when needed. That was what mattered.

-

Asriel stayed far longer than Lyra had expected and than he'd initially said. Halfway through his second week he was still here, spending his afternoons in the apartment with Lyra to 'keep her from causing trouble.' It was the most time they'd spent together in a long while. Her father always acted the same, tough and harsh, but that didn't deter Lyra one bit. He hadn't even shouted at her properly this whole time, so to her that was a win.

"What are you reading?" Lyra held onto the arm of Asriel's chair, peering over it and at the book he was reading. She didn't really understand all the words on the cover, but it seemed to be about matter. Particle physics she assumed. "Is it interesting?"

"Have you finished your homework?" Asriel asked back, peering at her discerningly over his book. She didn't falter under her stare, nodding fervently. Stelmaria chuckled. "Really?"

"I have! It was easy. I dunno why you're calling it homework anyway, it e'nt from school."

"It's more important than most of what you'll learn from school. It's the foundation of physics knowledge in my field."

"It's easy. Protons and electrons and atoms, what's hard to understand? I already answered the questions you gave me."

"Give it to me, then." Asriel held out his hand, posture like that of a commanding officer. He exuded power and Lyra automatically obeyed him, handing over the lined paper she'd been scribbling on. It was scrawl after scrawl, barely staying in the lines. The questions written by Asriel were a slightly more elegant scrawl, but not by much. Lyra was proud to have handwriting like her father's. "Hmm. Seems I've been going too easy on you. Next time I'm back I'll teach you something more difficult."

"Why not this time?" Lyra looked up at him with big eyes, Pan mirroring it in the way he looked at Stelmaria. Neither reacted. "I can learn it."

"Because I'm leaving tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Lyra held back a wail because she knew her father would only get annoyed at that and want nothing more to do with her for the rest of the night. That was the last thing she wanted. "For how long?"

"I don't know. I'm so close to a breakthrough. It was easy to convince those old men to fund me further, they're so scared of the unknown but so easy to convince. I have enough to last me years if needed."

Asriel's lips curled back into a dangerous smile, sharp teeth bared like a predator. His eyes shone, a look both inspiring and terrifying. Lyra was most impressed by him when he was like this, domineering enough to command a whole room and intensely passionate about what he was saying. Lyra loved listening to him like this.

"Years?" Pan hissed, scurrying over to Lyra. She snapped out of her trance, enthralled by her father's determination.

"You could be gone for years?" Lyra's voice trembled, it finally hitting her what that meant. She'd gotten used to him being there after a week, beginning to feel like a real child with a real adult to look after her. She knew he'd leave eventually, but had thought it would just be like normal. The shirt gap this time had given her a false hope. "But-"

"I'm sure I won't be," Asriel interrupted. "Years of funding doesn't mean years of research. I doubt it would take that long."

"If it did, would you come back earlier?"

"No." He didn't even stop to think about it.

"This is important," Stelmaria explained, padding over to Lyra and looking at her with almost soft eyes. "If we can show the results we want this time, we will be set. All of us."

"Yes, this is for your future too, Lyra."

Lyra didn't have the energy to argue, because she knew there was no changing her father's mind when he was set on something. Just as she wouldn't change hers. They were both too stubborn.

She'd try to believe that it was for her too, even if it didn't feel like it.

“‘m gonna make some toast,” she mumbled, slinking off to the kitchen area. Pan followed after her, shifting from snow leopard to ermine to polecat. He scurried up her leg and onto the kitchen counter. Lyra tried not to think too much as she shoved the bread in the toaster, watching it as if it was the most interesting thing ever.

Of course it wasn’t. It felt like hours before it finally popped back up, black at the edges. Lyra didn’t care much as she pulled it onto a plate, fingers stinging in the process. Pan nudged a knife towards her and she grabbed the butter.

Actually buttering it was hard. With only one arm she couldn’t hold the toast and it kept sliding all over the place. Pan wanted to help, but he didn’t want to put the paws that had just been on the floor on it. It was a frustrating process, as far too many things were with a broken arm.

“Here, I’ll do it.” She felt a heat at her back, and lithe arms caged her against the counter. Asriel took the knife from her, swiftly buttering the toast before stepping back. “There. You’ll need to figure it out yourself when I’m gone.”

“Thanks,” Lyra looked at her feet, picking up the mouth and stuffing it into her mouth. It stopped her from babbling too much. “Can’t you just stay?”

“Afraid I can’t.” Asriel lightly ruffled her hair, fingers lingering just a moment longer than they needed to on the top of her head. “Be a good girl while I’m gone, and I’ll bring you something back.”

Lyra nodded, her own hand raising to where Asriel had just touched. Her father had been much more willing to comfort her now, no longer seeming to want to avoid any kind of physical contact. She liked it. It was something she’d craved all her life, and finally she was getting just enough.

“Bring me back a polar bear claw.”

Asriel snorted, one side of his lips curling up. Lyra grinned back.

“I’ll try.”

-

"Happy birthday, Lyra!"

Lyra couldn't help but smile when she opened the door for Roger in the morning, letting him into the flat. It was the tradition for their birthdays, spending the morning together celebrating. For Lyra's they'd then go out to play since it was still the school holidays, whereas for Roger's the play happened after school. There were no gifts or anything fancy, just time spent together.

"What you got for breakfast?" she asked, hurrying over to the table. Their daemons pounced on each other, racing over and curling up underneath the table.

Roger held up a bag of baked goods in his hand, from the small bakery just outside of the college that both of them loved but could rarely afford to buy from. They shared a wide grin.

"How did you get something so expensive?" Lyra gasped, eyes going as wide as saucers when Roger poured the four pastries onto a waiting plate. He grabbed knives from the kitchen so they could both try everything.

"Got caught by the master yesterday and he gave me some money, saying to get you stuff you liked for your birthday," Roger said matter of factly, cutting all of the pastries in half. They crumbled on the plate, flaked pastry looking delectable. Lyra gulped, stomach growling. "I got you a cake too, at my uncle's. Figured I'd tell you cause I e'nt gonna surprise you."

"We'll have it on the roofs later!" Lyra grinned, mentally thinking she should thank the master later then promptly forgetting when she took a bite of the nearest pastry. It was delicious, buttery pastry coating lines of chocolate that melted in her mouth. The next one was coated in sugar powder, covering her hands and face as she devoured it. Roger wasn't much better either, getting absolutely covered while he dug in.

Between them they finished all the pastries, gulping them down as if they hadn't eaten in days. They were just too good. Lyra didn't remember the last time she'd had such an exciting breakfast. Normally it was just toast, or she'd skip it altogether if there wasn't anything in the flat. This was so much better. A great start to her birthday.

"So you're finally eleven," Roger teased as they got ready to go out. "Took a while to catch up."

"At least I e'nt so short," Lyra shot back, drawing herself up to her full height of half a head taller than Roger. "Your birthday was only three months ago anyway!"

A few months wasn't that important, and Lyra was above those specifics even if some other kids her age still focused on them. She was taller and louder and thus in charge. That's all she cared about.

"Still older," Roger laughed.

Lyra stuck out her tongue at him and Pan shifted into a snow leopard, playfully growling at Salcilia. The two Daemons play fought on the way over to the door.

"What d'you want to do today?"

Lyra grinned savagely. "Cause chaos."

The rest of their day was spent playing. They ran along the roofs of Jordan College, spitting seeds from fruit they'd stolen from the kitchens at passing professors. Then they raced through the college, before joining other children in town for mock fights and other fun. By the time Lyra got home after dinner in the evening, she was exhausted.

But not enough to stop thinking.

"He didn't say anything," Lyra murmured to Pan, lying on her bed. Pan was curled up on her stomach as a red panda, a comforting warmth and weight. He whined softly. "It's my birthday and he e'nt even sent a message."

"There's still time," Pan squeaked, looking at the clock that displayed 9:45pm. Fifteen minutes till Lyra's supposed bedtime, when an adult staff member of some kind would come to make sure she went to sleep. Normally it was Mrs Lonsdale, a distant cousin of Roger's. She was so strict with Lyra, as if she was actually a hired nanny as opposed to a college housekeeper. "He could still message."

"Maybe..." Lyra watched the digital clock, each minute ticking by and getting closer to a time Asriel would deem too late to contact her.

Of course he'd forgotten, he never did care, it has all been fake-

"Lyra!" Pan leapt up, shifting to a pine marten and nosing at her vibrating phone. Lyra grabbed it, unlocking it swiftly.

Father: Happy birthday. I hope you didn't cause too much trouble.

"He messaged!" Lyra grinned, previous annoyance and upset instantly forgotten. "He didn't forget! Wait, I'll call him, I still have five minutes left right?"

"Yes, call, I want to talk to Stelmaria," Pan bounced all over her, black eyes sparkling.

Lyra pressed the call button, turning it to speaker mode and waiting in nervous anticipation. She couldn't stay still, fingers drumming on her legs that were shaking. Pan continued to bound about, only skidding to a stop beside the phone when the call connected.

"Lyra, what happened?" Asriel's voice almost deafened her, powerful and severe. She shuddered slightly, biting her lip and suddenly too nervous to talk. He didn't sound happy. He sounded the opposite. "Lyra?"

"Nothing happened," Lyra squeaked, matched by Pan. "I wanted to call you on my birthday is all."

An irritated sigh came from the other end of the phone, quite murmurs and growls before Asriel finally responded. "I'm sorry, but I don't have time for you right now."

"But it's my birthday!"

"I sent you a message and gave money for you to enjoy yourself. That should be enough. I'm far too busy for this."

"We haven't talked since you were back! I just thought it'd be nice... I miss you. Do you even think about me when you're away?"

"Let's not bother with this conversation Lyra. I'll call you when I'm less busy, alright? I'm hanging up now."

Lyra opened her mouth to protest, but he was already gone. Her head drooped and Pan shifted into a Raven, hopping up onto her legs. She pushed back the tears that threatened to well up in her eyes. At least he'd remembered. She knew he was in the middle of something important right now, because he told her about it in the week he was last there. But that didn't mean she didn't need him too. Surely she was as important as his research?

She heard a knock on the door and wiped away the blooming tears, putting on a brave face.

This was just a momentary thing. Tomorrow she'd feel better, and her father would call her soon.

-

Asriel didn't call Lyra until November, when all the leaves from the trees had fallen and frost was beginning to encroach Oxford. He called when she was lounging in her room just after dinner, doodling in a cheap notebook she'd stolen from the librarian. Her childish drawings depicted images of her and her father up north, with polar bears and penguins drawn in bright colours behind them. Art wasn't a talent she had, nor did she have the mind to work for it, but she was quite pleased with this.

She hadn't even realised Asriel was calling her until her phone vibrated a few times across the bed, Pan jumping to attention first.

"Father?" She let out a breathy gasp, practically vibrating. It took everything in her to stay on her bed and not start jumping around the room, energy buzzing across her skin.

"Yes, it's me. Who else would call from this number?"

Lyra ignored his sarcasm. "I'm just happy! How's your work going, are you almost finished. You coming home soon?"

"I can't say. It all seems to be going well, but there are some possible issues too complex for a child to understand. We will see in our next expedition. I leave tomorrow and will be uncontactable for most of the next month. That's the main reason I called today."

"Where are you going?" Lyra instantly latched onto that, excited words spilling from her mouth. Her father was choosing to tell her about his expedition! He even told her he wouldn't be contactable so that she didn't worry! "Is it the north pole? Will you be travelling by boat? Oh, can you bring me back a walrus tusk! A small one will do."

There was a chuckle on the other end. "You don't ask for much, do you? I'm sure we can manage."

"I can take down a walrus if necessary," Stelmaria purred, voice slightly muffled.

"It's not worth that much hassle. And yes, I am going to the Arctic."

"Oh, oh, will you send me pictures? What are you doing this time? When can I go with you? Soon? Can I go on your next expedition?"

"Slow down, child, I can't keep up with your endless questions. No, you can't come with me. Perhaps when you're an adult."

"But that's so long away," Lyra whined. "I'll be plenty big enough soon! I promise I won't be a bother and I'll listen to everything you say. We can be useful."

"I'm strong enough to carry things," Pan growled, turning into a young snow leopard. Lyra tried to stifle her giggle at him acting all scary at the phone when Asriel and Stelmaria couldn't even see it.

"We're great at climbing too! Climbing mountains and ice floes can't be much harder."

"It very much is. Ice floes are constantly moving so you have to be very careful, paying attention the entire time. One wrong step could kill you. I don't believe someone who fell off a roof seeing me is attentive enough for that."

"But-"

"We'll take you both mountain climbing when we're next back," Stelmaria rumbled, words appeasing Lyra only slightly. Did that mean they'd be back soon.

There were murmurs on the other end before Asriel finally talked again. "Yes, we'll do that."

"It's a promise!" Lyra grinned, already imagining it. She'd show off to her father just how good she was at climbing, impressing him as she scaled the wall with Pan in tow. Then Asriel would show her all the tricks, how to find grips in the rock face and where to rest. She couldn't wait. "Oh, father, can I ask you something?"

"You're going to even if I say no."

Pan snickered beside her. She shot him a glare to be quiet. "See I won a prize for my writing and the award ceremony isn't till February. I was thinking that you could come if you're coming back soon. I'd really like you to be there."

A pause. "I'll try. No promises, Lyra, but I will try." Another pause. "Congratulations. You were always talented at making things up."

"Thanks!" Lyra grinned at the awkward but hopefully genuine praise. "I can't wait!"

"Don't get too excited. Now, let's talk about your last report card..."

-

Lyra craned her neck, anxiously scanning the crowd of parents packed into the back of her school gymnasium. Even with so many people her father should be easy to find - his presence demanded attention. He definitely wasn't here. She looked again just in case she'd somehow missed him. Nothing.

Maybe he was just late.

She hadn't heard anything today, but she'd texted him all the details last week and he'd replied with 'okay.' That meant he should be coming, right?

Her leg shook as she waited. Pan pressed a wet nose against her neck and wrapped around it as an ermine. He was a comforting weight and warmth, soft fur brushing her skin calming her down slightly. She knew he was doing the same as her - peering out of her hair on the lookout for a familiar snow leopard.

"First prize for the Oxford school's creative writing competition: Lyra Belacqua."

Lyra hopped up, confidently striding across the makeshift stage to accept her prize. Pan placed a paw on her shoulder, attention still mostly on the crowd. She looked out too, looking for that familiar gruff face and sardonic smile.

Nothing.

"I can't see her," Pan murmured into Lyra's ear as they walked off, absentmindedly finding their way back to their place on a hard bench. "They're not here."

Lyra didn't respond, but she knew Pan could feel her disappointment. She really thought he'd be here. Everyone else had their parents watching proudly, even for inter school prizes for stupid things, but she had no one. None of the professors or Jordan staff she was close to had been able to attend either.

The rest of the day passed by sluggishly, Lyra muddling her way through and getting in trouble a fair few times. As soon as she got out of school she pulled at her phone, looking at the empty lockscreen despondently.

To Father: Where are you?

'Your text message cannot be delivered. Please try again.'

Lyra narrowed her eyes at the notification that popped up, before looking at Pan in confusion. He mirrored her expression.

"They're somewhere without signal..."

"Still in the north," Pan mumbled.

She didn't want to think about it. Neither of them did. She sent a text to Roger saying she didn't feel up to playing today, before heading right home. They just wanted to be alone.

"Why did I think he'd be there," Lyra whined, collapsing onto her bed without bothering to change. Pan pulled himself up after her, cuddling up to her as a cat. Lyra pulled him into her arms and pressed her face into his fur. It was long and soft, a dark brown with golden hints. He pressed his face against her chest, taking comfort in each other's closeness. "He never is."

"I thought they would be too," Pan whimpered mournfully, sadness resonating within him. It was a shared feeling, a deep sorrow that came each time they were abandoned. It reminded them both how truly alone they were. It was really only the two of them. Just Lyra and Pan. "Roger was there."

"He was," Lyra smiled weakly. Roger had to be there because all students did, but she also knew that he'd have gone if he didn't. At least he would stick by her... As she would stick by him. "It's fine. We're used to it, aren't we? We're strong."

"We are," Pan echoed. He licked Lyra's chin and she giggled at the ticklishness of it, enough to push away the threatening tears. "We have each other after all. We'll always be together."

"I know." Lyra hugged him closer, curling around her daemon and burying her hands in his short fur. "You're the only one I need, anyway. We'll always be there for each other, no matter what."

"We'd never abandon each other."

Not just because they couldn't. It wasn't the pain of separation that deterred them. Lyra and Pan both knew they never wanted to live a life without each other. Never.

Even when they didn't have anyone else, they had each other.

-

"I'm staying here tonight," Roger announced after he practically allowed himself into Lyra's flat just past 9pm, urging her into her bedroom and sitting crossed legged on the floor. Lyra considered it for a moment, wanting to be alone but also wanting company. She sat down with a sullen frown, Pan curling up on her lap.

"Why?"

"My place is too noisy. Uncle were mad at me for what happened at school, but then my cousin came home and he were even more mad at him. They was still shouting when I Ieft."

"Oh, alright. You can stay then."

It was Lyra's fault Roger had gotten into trouble after all. She was bored sick of school again, and annoyed at all the adults in her life. She'd dragged Roger into skipping class and throwing rocks at a few teachers. Of course they'd gotten caught and in big trouble at school. For her it wasn't such a problem, but Roger's uncle was never too happy when he heard about it.

Thankfully he got more mad at his children rather than his nephew most of the time, since his own son was a troublemaker by choice rather than influence.

Pan didn't make much of a move to play with Salcilia, who demurely lay beside Roger as a labrador, and Lyra didn't make any conversation. For once she had nothing to say. Instead she just felt irritation swirling at the bottom of her stomach, trapped there with no one to vent it to. She worried she'd end up taking it out on Roger... And she didn't want that. He wasn't at fault at all.

"What's up with you?"

Lyra lay back on her bed with a heavy sigh. Pan crawled up her stomach and buried his head in her chest. "My father didn't even call. The master scolded me for almost an hour, saying he'd called my father right away, but I en't heard anything."

"At least you e'nt in trouble," Roger offered sympathetically. "Your father's scary when he's mad."

"I'd rather he was mad. At least that shows he cares about me. Recently it feels like he doesn't at all. Roger, I think I've actually been abandoned this time."

"Not having parents isn't so bad." Roger pulled himself up onto the bed, lying down next to Lyra and taking a hold of her hand. "I don't have parents to miss, and I don't remember them, so I don't really understand. But I think family is who you choose... And you're family to me Lyra, no matter what."

"You're family to me too, Roger," Lyra whispered. "I just wish my father would decide whether he wanted me or not."

"I think he does. He just e'nt good at showing it and is far too into his work. He were so worried that time you hid on the roof all evening, practically threatened me to tell him where you was. I thought I were dead since I didn't know."

"That sounds like him," Lyra giggled. "I never seen him so angry."

"Yeah, and that's a show of care if I ever seen one."

Lyra smiled, feeling a bit better. Roger always had a way of helping her with that during the rare times she couldn't drag herself out of it. She was lucky to have him as a friend.

More cheerful now she hopped up, rifling under her bed for the tin of biscuits she had hidden under there. Asriel had confiscated her snacks once and since then she'd taken to hiding them, even if he was rarely around. Better to not risk it.

"I can't believe we'll be in highschool in a few months," Roger said, munching on a chocolate digestive.

"I know," Lyra sighed dramatically. "We're just getting so old. You're already twelve, that's almost a teen."

"You'll be twelve soon... What do you want for your birthday? The last one before hard work starts."

"I e'nt working hard from the start of highschool," Lyra scoffed. It wasn't like they had exams right away or anything, just a larger amount of subjects to do. "For my birthday... Well, all I want is my father back really. But that won't happen so let's just spend it together like normal."

"A cake would be nice," Pan piped up.

"How ‘bout I get you a cake and pretend to be your father for the day?"

"No way," Lyra laughed, reaching over to hit Roger lightly on the head. "You e'nt intimidating enough for that. I'd be laughing the whole time. I want you to be you anyways."

"Alright I'll come as boring ol’ me."

Lyra grinned. "Don't worry, with me there nothing is boring."

-

Lyra's twelfth birthday went by unspectacularly. She and Roger ate a cake and spent the day running around the streets. The master gave her an envelope filled with money, supposedly most of which was from her father.

Asriel did call her right before she went to bed, wishing her a happy birthday and promising he'd be there for the next one.

She didn't believe him, but deep down hoped it would be true.

Chapter Text

Lyra's first day of highschool was off to a bad start.

Well technically it was the second day, because she'd missed the actual first day thanks to throwing up all of the day before from minor food poisoning. She was better today, something she'd happily texted her father. He gave a one word reply of 'good.'

She was excited to start a new chapter of her life, practically skipping the whole way there with Roger, only to find out the two of them had been put in entirely different classes. Separated! Supposedly it had been requested because they were too disruptive together in primary school... Lyra wasn't too happy with whichever Jordan college professor had made that request on her behalf.

She wasn't nervous, but it was difficult walking into a form class filled with strangers a day late. Everyone had already gone off into groups. She could go up to them, sure, and spin some lies to get some sympathy but... It was a lot to keep up.

She was judging which group seemed easiest to trick when she spotted a boy sitting in the corner alone, silently playing with his phone. His Daemon was a cat on his lap, eyes closed. He had managed to blend in with his surroundings, almost as if he was trying to go unnoticed. Which was so strange since now that Lyra noticed him, she thought he looked very interesting. Much more so than the rest of her new classmates. She instantly approached him.

"I'm Lyra," she announced as she sat down beside him without even asking if she could. He gave her a confused look, clearly surprised she'd decided to sit there. She then indicated to Pan, who climbed onto the desk as an ermine. "And this is Pan."

"Will," he mumbled in response. "And Kirjava."

"Nice to meet you, Will! I missed the first day of school so I guess you'll have to show me around, since we're in the same classes."

Will's dark eyes found her own and he looked at her for a few moments, as if he was trying to figure her out. His Daemon cracked open one eye and stared at Pan too. His gaze was so discerning, as if he could actually see through her soul and discover who she was. He seemed far older than twelve at that moment. Eventually he nodded.

"Alright, but there's not much to show."

Lyra grinned. It didn't matter that her excuse would only last for so long, because by then she would make sure Will wanted to stay around her. She'd have plenty of people around her in primary school, the leader of her own little gang. It was easy. She was sure befriending Will wouldn't be much different. Unlike most of the others in the class she was actually curious about him.

She couldn't wait to get to know him.

-

Lyra liked Will.

Like, actually wanted him as a friend kind of like. Lyra was a sociable person but those she was truly close to were few: her father, Roger and maybe some of the Jordan college professors. All the other kids she'd hung out with when she was younger and even now... She wouldn't call them friends, not really. They were her underlings if anything.

But she wanted Will to be her friend. Her second friend after Roger. A proper friend.

At first she’d thought he’d be unsociable, but he just seemed to prefer keeping to himself. It hadn’t taken a lot of prying by Lyra for him to open up, talking to her readily albeit much calmer than she ever was. He was knowledgeable in ways Lyra wasn’t - so much more practical than her. Everything she knew was picked up from academics or learned by herself, with a few survival techniques thrown in there when Asriel was engaged enough to teach her. Will actually knew things that were useful. And he was nice.

His presence was reassuring.

"What you doing after school?" Lyra whispered to Will during a particularly boring biology class, leaning over into his side of the desk while she spun her pen between her fingers.

"Homework," he replied drily.

"Eh, that's boring. It's friday, let's do something. Oh, we could go to the cinema! I haven't been in years." And she'd never been with a friend before since it was cheaper for her and Roger to watch movies on the old television in her flat. She didn't tell Will that though. "Dunno if there's anything good but we'll figure it out. Then we can grab food somewhere."

They spent a lot of time together at school, sitting beside each other in all of their classes and separating only for lunch when Will went to eat his packed lunch and Lyra went to the school cafeteria to get here with Roger. But they were yet to get together outside of school. Lyra just hadn't considered it at first, because with Roger it didn't need to be organised. They walked back home together and then would just turn up at each other's places when he was finished work. Will wouldn't be happy if she did that, she bet.

"Sure," Will agreed readily, surprising Lyra. She'd expected some resistance... Did he actually like spending time with her too? Well of course she was great company, but for some reason more nervous with him. He seemed so put together and mature, so she worried he wouldn't want to be around a girl like her, who preferred roofs to books and always had mud under her fingernails. It was a strange feeling for her, worry. Normally she didn't feel like this. "I'll just have to make sure it's alright with my parents."

"Oh, yeah, same," Lyra lied. As if she had anyone waiting for her at home. She could be back at midnight and maybe one person would notice. They'd probably be too lazy to actually do anything about it too.

"I'll give my mum a ring at lunchtime," Will smiled, eyes turning into crescent moons. It lit up his whole face when he actually smiled like this as opposed to the fake little smiles he did to fit in, which Lyra had observed the last few weeks. Lyra smiled back. His was just too infectious. "The teachers looking at us, get back to work."

Lyra rolled her eyes but picked up her pencil again, staring at the textbook and willing the answers onto the page.

-

"My mum said it's fine, I just have to be back by ten."

"I can't wait," Lyra grinned.

"Your parents are okay with it too, then?"

"Oh yeah. My dad agreed easily, he's pretty relaxed about these things." So relaxed he was in a whole other country with no idea what his daughter was doing most days.

"That's nice. My mum trusts me, she just worries a lot. My dad's happy for me to go out and live my life but he's away just now, which makes mum even more worried. She'll probably phone to check up on me, hope that's alright."

"That's fine," Lyra gave him a thumbs up, even as jealousy stabbed at her heart. It then sunk to her gut and turned to guilt, weighing her down on top of what she already felt about lying to him. To Lyra lying was as easy as breathing and she rarely cared about it, but she felt bad lying to Will. It was just like how she rarely lied to Roger. He was a real friend and she wanted to be genuine with him.

She just didn't want to tell him about her parents (or more like, lack of) yet.

"Meet at the back gates after school then?"

"Yup, let's meet there," she nodded, forcing a smile and pushing away the guilty feelings.

The rest of the school was a blur, Lyra and Pan caught up in their excitement for after school playing. Pan and Kirjava were already close, more so than Will and Lyra in some ways. It was because he wasn't annoying, Pan had told Lyra yesterday. Lyra didn't agree. She enjoyed teasing Will and getting teased back. Lyra was glad their daemons got along well. Will liked Pan too, and she liked Kirjava, which was also important.

With his agreement to go out after school Lyra was sure he wanted to be her friend too.

"Maybe we should've gone home first," Lyra muttered, pulling at the collar of her shirt. She'd already undone the top button and removed her tie now that was school done, but it was still far too constrictive. The skirt was frustrating too.

"You don't have any nice clothes," Pan commented from his perch on her shoulder, blackbird beak pointed towards her ear. "Most are dirty now."

"I have plenty of nice clothes. Will wouldn't care anyway, he e'nt the type. I e'nt seen him judge anyone."

"He's much too nice," Pan agreed.

"Lyra!" Will was already at the school gate, raising his hand to make sure she saw him. Of course she already had. Now that she knew him Will stood out in a crowd to her, a solid presence she always found herself gravitating towards. He balanced her out, she thought. Tempered her sharp edges and helped her see reason in a way Pan couldn't quite, since he was part of her. She was still herself, still that wild girl who refused to listen to authority, but he'd helped her keep hold of her self control a few times.

It'd be a shame if she got suspended or expelled from school, as boring as it was. She wouldn't get to see Will and her father would be so disappointed.

"You good to go?" Will asked as she slid up beside him. Kirjava was perched on his shoulder as a beautiful starling, matching Pan's bird form with her own. They chirped together in a language their humans couldn't understand.

"'Course," Lyra grinned, hooking her thumbs through the straps of her backpack. "Which cinema are we going to? I dunno where the nearest is, to be honest."

"There's one just ten minutes away," Will replied, walking as he spoke. "There's a showing of some popular action movie in twenty I figured we could see, if that works for you?"

"It does! You're so organised, Will, I'd turn up and hope there was something."

"You have a low standard for organisation, Lyra. This is hardly anything. Do you ever actually plan something out?"

"Nope," Lyra grinned, shaking her head. "Never needed to. Normally I just play in the streets with the kids near my home. We don't need to organise anything."

"You don't go places with your friends?"

"Well they're not really friends 'cept Roger. We just play together, but none of us really know each other."

"Oh," Will tilted his head, seeming to be considering it. "You didn't want to do that with me?"

"You don't seem the sort," Lyra shrugged. Will furrowed his brows and she realised that had come out wrong, like she didn't think he should hang out with the rest. "I didn't mean it like that! Just you don't seem to be all rowdy like they are. We do a lotta fighting, you see. You don't seem the fighting sort. That's what I meant."

"You're right about that," Will chuckled lightly, face relaxing.

Lyra was glad he didn't seem upset about it. She didn't want to upset him, but she didn't have much experience actually making friends. Most people she lied to or ordered around, and she'd known Roger since she was so young that talking with him was just natural. With anyone else she didn't care if what she said was hurtful. Only with Will did she suddenly have to make an effort. If Asriel was actually around would she be better at proper talking? She doubted it, most of the time they just argued. Her father didn't seem to care about offending others either. He never watched what he said.

"We're here."

The cinema Will had chosen was a small, local one rather than one of the larger chains. It gave student discounts, so the tickets were way more affordable than Lyra had expected. That meant she wouldn't have to hold back when they went out for dinner after!

"Want anything," Will indicated to the food section after they'd bought their tickets.

Lyra's stomach grumbled in response, the scent of buttery popcorn filling her nostrils. But she shouldn't. She didn't have much allowance left for the week after all.

"I think I'll get some popcorn," Will continued, watching her with a smile. Lyra's eyes lit up. She could probably steal some if Will got a big enough bucket and didn't mind. She trailed behind him as he got a large popcorn and two small drinks, thankfully taking the one he'd gotten her and entering the cinema.

It was small and cosy, with not many people around at the moment. They had seats right in the middle. Pan turned into an ermine and wrapped around Lyra's neck, while Kirjava curled up as a cat on Will's lap. Lyra wriggled in her seat, excitement jumping through her.

"Want some?"

Lyra blinked up at Will then looked down at the popcorn he was offering. She grabbed a handful and stuffed it in her mouth. "Thank you."

"Help yourself," Will stifled a laugh, eyes creasing. "I can't eat the whole thing myself so you'd better help."

Lyra glared at him for his laughter, cheeks heating up, but that didn't stop her from devouring handful after handful of popcorn. It was so much better than the microwave stuff her and Roger had once gotten, gleefully watching it pop in her worn microwave. That had been all soggy and lacking in flavour, whereas this was salty and crisp. She loved it.

"Y'know, I overheard they're gonna bring in daemon PE classes."

"You're joking," Will raised an eyebrow. "No way are they going to do that."

"I'm not. Pan overheard another kids daemon saying who overheard a teacher's daemon talking 'bout it. That's basically news rather than gossip."

"How are they going to do that?" Will laughed. "Do we just sit at the side and watch while our daemons play football?"

"I'm better at football than Lyra," Pan piped up, scampering down onto Lyra's lap and shifting into a tawny cat. "She always cheats. Last time she played she tripped over so many people to win."

"I didn't! How'd you play anyway?"

"Easily, I'd just hit the ball with my paws or head."

"I don't think either of us would be very good," Will commented, stopping them bickering with a light chuckle. "Football isn't my thing."

"Mm, gets much too violent," Kirjava purred, silky rumble tinged with amusement.

"Yeah, that's why Lyra likes it," Pan teased, black eyes twinkling up at Lyra. She rolled his eyes at him, preparing a retort. It was on the tip of her tongue when the lights went out. Pan clambered back up around her neck as an ermine, relaxing his head on her shoulder ready for the film.

The film was average at best, but Lyra had a great time. All the effects were way better than the old films some of the scholars had that she and Roger borrowed and there was plenty of violence to keep her entertained. The story was garbage but that didn't really bother her. She didn't watch films for the story anyway.

"That was fun," Lyra grinned, carrying the empty bucket of popcorn in her hands. Pan sat in it, peering over the edge like a lord in his castle. Lyra jostled it as she walked just to annoy him. "I especially liked when they blew up everything at the end, it was so cool."

"I thought that was silly," Will snorted, Kirjava murmuring her agreement. "In a fun way. I enjoyed it."

Lyra was glad Will had enjoyed it too... Even though he was the one to pick the film, she was worried he'd hate it and not want to stick around afterwards. She could tell he'd picked the film for her rather than himself. Will didn't seem like the action movie type. Lyra was sure he enjoyed stories with actually good plots, rather than constant mindless violence. Maybe she should find a fantasy movie next time.

"Where do you want to get food?" Lyra asked after they'd dumped their rubbish, and finished talking about the movie itself. She didn't know what was nearby here since it was the opposite direction from school to where she lived and frequented. There'd be something they both liked.

"Well," Will looked up from his phone with an apologetic smile. "My mum wants me home soon, so it will have to be something quick. Why don't we grab some burgers and eat them while we walk?"

"Alright," Lyra nodded, trying not to let her upset show. Pan leapt onto her shoulder and subtly pressed his face against hers. She guessed the movie had gone on longer than expected, and the sun was beginning to set earlier now that it was October. It made sense that Will's mum wanted him home. If she had one she was sure hers would too. "Works for me, I probably shouldn't stay out too late either."

They wandered along to one of the main streets, finding a vendor that sold burgers and munching them as they walked. It was easy to make conversation with Will, but the silent moments were also comfortable. For once Lyra didn't feel the need to constantly fill it. She still did, she just didn't feel pressured to.

All too soon they reached the botanics where they had to part. They lived in completely opposite directions from here (honestly Lyra had already gone out of her way to stay with Will longer). She found herself not wanting to let him go. What was she supposed to do all weekend? The thought of going back to an empty home had her stomach tied in knots and her mood plummeting.

"Well, I'm this way," Will stopped, turning around to face her. "You're the other way, right? That's the way I see you heading after school."

"Yeah," Lyra admitted even though she wanted to lie and follow Will all the way home. Pan whined softly, close enough to her that Will and Kirjava couldn't catch it. "You gotta go, I guess."

"Yeah, my mum's waiting." Will ran a hand through his coiled hair, sharing a look with Kirjava. "I had fun today, Lyra. Thank you for inviting me out."

"Well of course," Lyra rubbed the back of her head. "I'm always fun to be with... And I wanted to become friends with you."

Will's eyebrow jumped up, lips pressing into a thin line and confusion entering his dark eyes. Lyra was suddenly confused too. Had she said something wrong again? But what was it? She just didn't know this time.

"I thought we were already friends? If I'm wrong, sorry-"

"No, no, we are," Lyra interrupted him before he could continue, pushing into his personal space and grabbing his arm in case he tried to leave. Will looked down at the hand on his arm, then back up at Lyra, gaze so intense she struggled to hold it. Her cheeks heated up slightly. "Just I don't have many friends... You probably noticed that. I dunno when friendship starts. Me ‘n Roger have known each other since forever, so this making friends thing is a bit new to me."

"I understand," Will's expression relaxed, a slight smile returning to his lips and gaze softening. He didn't shake off Lyra's hand and she didn't remove it, feeling some amount of stability in the feeling of his solid arm under her fingers. She was close to Roger like this all the time anyway. It was a normal friend thing. "Honestly, I'm the same. I don't have many friends either. But you're my friend, Lyra, if you'd have me."

"Gladly!" Lyra finally let go of him and jumped back a step, previous uncertainty gone and a wide grin blooming on her lips. Pan let out a happy chirp and stepped forward to press his head at Kirjava's, a hesitant touch that she allowed. Lyra stifled a giggle at Pan's nerves as if she hadn't shared them. "Just know that you're stuck with me now for the rest of your life. I'm stubborn, once I find someone I like I e'nt letting go."

Will laughed, his whole face lighting up. It was almost dazzling and Lyra felt a slight flutter in her stomach that she couldn't name.

"I'd been honoured to be your friend forever, Lyra."

-

Buzz, buzz, buzz.

"Hey, Pan, be quiet I'm onto something," Lyra frowned at the paper spread across her desk, covered in scrawls. "I need to concentrate."

Buzz, buzz, buzz.

"It's not me!" Pan squeaked indignantly, jumping onto the desk and stomping on the paper with his brown paws. "I think it's your phone."

Her phone? Who would be calling her on a Wednesday evening. She leaned towards her bed and rifled through the covers before she pulled out her phone, buzzing away.

Call from: Father.

"Its father!" Lyra gasped, eyes widening. She quickly shoved the answer button. "Father!"

"What took you so long?" Asriel's harsh voice came through the speaker. The gruffness of it was comforting to Lyra, unchanging and familiar. She'd missed it. Pan tilted his ears towards the phone, intently listening for the quiet background purring from Stelmaria. "You're not on the roof, are you?"

"No, of course not! I were just working so I didn't realise you was calling. Why are you calling? You coming home?"

"I'm not. I wanted to make sure you weren't getting into trouble. It seems you're not, though I don't believe you're actually working. Well, I'll-" He paused, then a muffled growl filtered through. "Alright, alright... How is school going?"

"Boring. Everything's so easy and they never let me do fun experiments in chemistry or physics. In biology we got to dissect a fish eye which was pretty cool, but other than that it's all boring. Either I don't care about it or I already know about it. Can't I quit school, father, and come with you?"

"Absolutely not," Asriel snorted on the other side of the line. "I can't help with the ones you don't care about. We all have to do things we don't want to do, Lyra, it’s part of life to suffer through it. You'll get to choose subjects eventually... Which subjects do you find too easy?"

"Physics, chemistry, maths, economics, technological studies... Oh, and french. Cause y'know I learned a bunch off that french professor that stayed here for years while I was younger. I'm practically fluent." She could hold a conversation in the language at least.

"I seem to recall him correcting your grammar all the time. The school language classes are awful, however, so I'm sure you're well ahead. I'll call the school and see what can be done about all of them. School is a necessity and I will not have you leave it, but there's no point if you're not learning. I'd much rather you use that intellect you inherited on something challenging rather than figuring out how to skip school without getting caught."

Lyra gulped. So all the times she'd skived he had been informed. He just didn't bother scolding her over it (at the time). She quickly got her arguments in line.

"I'm not mad at you now, but do it again and I will be. Apart from school being boring, is everything else fine? You're eating regularly?"

"Yeah I get food from school and then in the college cafeteria for dinner. The school stuff is much worse. Oh! I made a new friend. He's very sensible and mature... Oh, and kind. We went to the cinema together recently."

"That's good. It's smart to branch out who you know a little. I assume he's from school and not Jordan?"

"Yeah. He's got parents and lives with them and all. Maybe that's why he's so mature and knows a lot."

"Lyra, you wouldn't be mature even if you had ten parents."

Asriel was probably right about that, though Lyra thought in some ways she was mature. She knew how to look after herself because she had to. It's just she didn't like being constrained or staying in place, so she did all sorts of things others would see as childish or disgraceful. She just felt more up home up on the roofs sometimes, or running through the streets.

"Make sure to stay safe. If it's someone you met at school that's fine, but don't befriend any strangers."

"I e'nt stupid, father," Lyra rolled her eyes even though he couldn't see it. "I don't just go talking to anyone. I know Oxford better than you, I reckon, I know where's safe or not. I e'nt been in danger yet."

"Just listen to what Asriel says," Stelmaria rumbled, tone firm. "Be careful."

"Yeah, sure, I will be." Lyra shared a look with Pan, confusion dancing between them. Was there any reason for the sudden concern? Maybe there'd been a bunch of murders in the area? Or child kidnappings? She'd have heard about them though. She wasn't the kidnappable sort anyway, much too fast for them to get. "How's your research going, father?"

"Well. I've managed to create a special emulsion for photography that could allow me to see shadow matter, the particles I told you about before. Tests are going well, I'm just waiting for the correct conditions to go further north and use it. I believe if all goes well I'll be able to prove my theories when I next return."

That sounded very exciting, even if Lyra had no idea what an emulsion was. She’d find out when she pestered him to show his results when he was back.

"If it's going well you'll be done soon, right? Then you'll come back?"

"Mm, hopefully. We'll see, Lyra, nothing is ever certain in experimentation. There is still so much I need to understand before I come back, but I am closer to it."

Uncertain or not, it was enough for Lyra to know that Asriel might be coming home soon.

-

"Roger, I wanna introduce you to someone."

"You do?" Roger looked up at Lyra in confusion, Salcilia peering up with curious black eyes from his shoulder. "Who?"

"Y'know that new friend I made, Will. Well I figured I should introduce you two. I e'nt got any other friends so I'd like you to meet. I already asked him to hang out with us after school, just he had to talk to a teacher first."

"You're droppin' me right in the deep end," Roger shot her a withering look, tiredness of dealing with Lyra's antics etched across his face. "Does he know that I'm... Y'know... And that you're... Y'know..."

"Not yet," Lyra shook her head. "I'll tell him soon, he'd be fine about it. He's very kind, Roger, you'll like him."

"Lyra, he's coming," Pan chirped from his perch on her shoulder, watching out as a sharp eyed falcon. Lyra straightened and waved to Will, grinning brightly.

"Hi Will!" Lyra chirped, stepping back so Will and Roger could properly look at each other. "Will, this is Roger. Roger, this is Will. You're both my closest friends so I hope you'll get along."

"Nice to meet you," Will stuck out his hand, and Roger shook it.

"Nice to meet you too. Lyra's been talking my ear off about you, good to finally see you."

"She does have a habit of doing that," Will grinned, looking at Lyra teasingly.

She stuck her tongue out at them both. Of course they'd agree on something like that.

"I'm used to it now," Roger shrugged, dodging out of the way of Lyra trying to grab him and put him in a headlock to stop him talking. "If you want any embarrassing stories ‘bout her I got plenty!"

"Really? How long have you two known each other, then?"

"Since we were about three, I think?" Roger screwed up his face to figure it out. Lyra nodded. It sounded about right. "I went to live with my uncle in Jordan college, you see, and there e'nt many other kids around there. Lyra was the same age and we just sorta got along."

"Roger was all scared when he first arrived," Lyra laughed. "He always worried ‘bout getting into trouble, tryna stop me learning how to climb in the buildings and the like."

"I'm still worried about getting in trouble!"

"So you've known each other for a long time," Will looked bemused, rubbing the back of his neck. "And Jordan college... Is that where you live? Like on the university campus."

Roger looked at Lyra apologetically. She shrugged. She should really tell Will... She shouldn't have kept it from him for so long. She didn't understand why she did. It wasn't like she didn't trust him. The opportunity to say just never came. She was sure he'd understand. Pan scampered over from where he'd been talking to the other daemons, pressing against Lyra as he felt her uncertainty. She smiled slightly and reached down to pick him up.

"Yeah, we do. Roger's uncle works in the kitchen there and my dad's a professor... Sorta. He doesn't really teach. He's more of a researcher and explorer. We live on campus cause it's easier for him to come and go I think."

"Oh, wow," Will's eyes widened, but he didn't look at all upset. Only interested, it seemed. Lyra let out a sigh of relief. "That'd explain a lot. Do they teach storytelling classes there? Must do."

"Hey," Lyra huffed as they both laughed, elbowing Will in the side. He dodged away and continued to laugh. Lyra quickly found herself smiling too, laughing along with her two friends. "How ‘bout we show you around? Jordan’s real impressive."

"When Lyra says that she means on the roof," Roger spoke up. “Jordan’s the best from up there.”

"I'm not sure about roof climbing," Will smiled ruefully. "But I'd love to see the college."

"That's it sorted then!" Lyra grabbed each of their wrists, charging forward and dragging them with her. Their daemons shifted into birds and followed. "Let's go!"

-

"He's not here?"

"I'm afraid not, Lyra," the master offered her a kindly smile, gently patting her on the head. She hung her head, scuffing her toe against the cobbles outside her apartment block. "He asked me to go in his stead."

It was the night of Lyra's first highschool parents evening and she'd hoped, once again, that Asriel would actually turn up. Most of her parents evenings in primary school were attended by the master but she'd thought maybe this one would be different. Now she had to go along too, and when Asriel had called her a few months ago he seemed actually interested in her schooling. He had gotten her into more advanced classes for the subjects she was finding too easy, after all. She'd hoped she'd be able to show him how well she was doing since he'd done that for her.

Of course he didn't bother to show up in person. If it wasn’t something he could do from Svalbard he wouldn’t bother.

"Come now, Lyra, we need to be on our way or we'll be late."

"Alright," Lyra sulked, shoving her hands in the pocket of the pinafore dress she'd been forced into by Mrs Lonsdale. She dragged her feet the whole way to school, Pan stuck to her shoulder as an ugly toad. He was just as annoyed at her. They'd both been looking forward to seeing Asriel and Stelmaria, hoping it would actually happen.

It had been a year and a half since they were last back. Lyra and Pan were beginning to lose hope that they'd actually ever come home.

The master talked about all sorts of boring topics on the short walk to the school, Lyra completely zoning it out and wallowing in her misery with Pan. Normally she'd pester the master with questions to try and get him into more interesting conversation, or just interrupt him with her own stories, but she just didn't feel like it. She let out a huff and kicked a nearby rock as hard as she could.

"Lyra," the master said sharply, stopping just outside of the school. "I understand that you're upset, but you need to be on your best behaviour tonight. I'm hoping to hear good things from your teachers and I don't want their opinions of you ruined."

"They're already ruined, master," Lyra retorted, Pan croaking his agreement. Her new teachers actually liked her because she was genuinely interested in their subjects, but her old teachers didn't. "You know how I am."

"Hm, I wouldn't expect anything else of you," the master sighed, but there was a hint of affection in his eyes. "Let's go in then and see what they have to say."

Lyra had a schedule for when they were seeing every teacher, thankfully without too many gaps between. There was tea and snacks in the main hall as well for those who had to wait around, or parents who wanted them. Lyra snatched a small cake under the glares of one of the teachers and stuffed it in her mouth. They shouldn't have put them out if they didn't want students eating them too.

The actual meetings were boring, and everything Lyra expected to be said was said. The teachers for her advanced classes were singing her praises, talking about how diligent she was in class and how she was always the first to try to answer questions. Those for her other classes were less enthusiastic. Her PE teacher said that she liked Lyra's enthusiasm, but that her rule breaking was far too frequent. The others had very little positive to say. Lyra squirmed in her seat when she noticed the master writing everything down, knowing it was going to get back to Asriel. The master tutted here and there, discussing what could be done with the teachers, all while giving Lyra stern glares.

That was easy enough for her to shrug off, even though the master was her de facto guardian in Asriel's absence. Him and the other professors that took an interest in Lyra struggled to keep her under control or even catch her to dole out a punishment. It was only Asriel that could have her quaking in her boots (without showing it of course, she was never without a sullen glare in the face of scolding).

"Well, Lyra," the Master frowned, walking out of the main hall and into the entrance hall. "I'm going to have a discussion with some of the guidance staff. Be good and wait here."

"Alright," Lyra mumbled sullenly. She didn't know what the master had planned and she didn't really care. It wasn't like she was going to change her ways.

Pan led her over to a bench at the side of the hall, hopping up onto it then onto her lap. He curled up there despondently, affected by her glumness. Lyra rested her hands in his silky fur, the closeness of them bringing her some semblance of stability. It didn't matter what her teachers said or if it got back to Asriel, because he wasn't actually here to do anything about it. At least she was actually attending most of her classes now. It wasn't her fault the others were so boring.

Pan peered up at her, dark eyes slightly judgemental because he did actually find some of those classes interesting. But that wasn't enough for her. They both had to be interested for it to be worth it.

"Lyra?"

Pan's ears perked up, his joy instantly shared with Lyra. She was a bit slower on the uptake, only looking up once Pan had already jumped off her lap to greet Kirjava.

"What're you doing here, Will?" She shifted over on the bench she'd been in the middle of, making room for him to sit down.

"My parents wanted to chat to some of the other parents," Will shrugged, soft gaze resting on Lyra. She found she couldn't look back, feeling as if he could see straight through her. She liked Will, and she liked that he could always see her, but sometimes she preferred for her feelings to be hidden. "What about you? Is your dad here?"

"No," Lyra admitted, lips twisted into a frown. She looked down at her feet and resisted scuffing them against the floor again. It was Pan who acted the feelings out for her, shifting into a polecat and growling at the air. A quiet growl filled with anger and disappointment. "He's on an expedition right now. I hoped he'd be back."

"It's alright to be upset," Will said softly. A tremble ran through Lyra at those words, as if she'd only just realised that was the case. Normally she channelled it into anger because that was easier to throw at Asriel and then it was easier to tell herself it had just been temporary. But he was right. It was unfair. Even if Will didn't know everything, because she hadn't told him just how often her dad was away, he seemed to understand. "It's allowed, even if you understand."

"Are you sure you're twelve?" Lyra asked, sniffing and rubbing her eyes. "You don't seem it."

"Yeah," Will smiled. "I've just read too many books."

Lyra smiled weakly at that. "It sucks, y'know. He'll get mad at me but he didn't even turn up. Just doesn't seem fair."

After a moment of silence a warm hand covered her own, fingers curling over her clenched fist. It was slightly larger than hers and soft. There was a comfort to the gesture, a feeling of security that came with being with Will. She always felt safe with him. Like it was alright to let it all out. She wasn't sure why.

"I just wish he was here," Lyra ground out after struggling to figure out the words. "I don't understand why he's not."

It just hurt. Pan climbed back up onto her lap and pressed against her stomach, rubbing his furry face against her arm. Lyra rested her free hand on his head, gently scratching between his ears, and closing her eyes momentarily. Her other hand relaxed under Will's. She felt a bit better.

"Thanks," she opened her eyes again and tilted her head towards Will with a slight smile.

Will smiled back. "It's what friends do."

-

"Suppose you move in with me, Roger," Lyra thought out loud, lying on her stomach on her bed and kicking her feet up and down behind her. "We could do this all the time. It'd be funner."

"What, you copyin’ my history homework?" Roger scoffed at her from her desk, where he was working on some maths problems he'd been struggling with until Lyra pointed out where he was going wrong. "Easier, more like. What 'bout your father?"

"Don't think he's coming back," Lyra shrugged nonchalantly. "It's been almost two years. May as well move on."

"That's cold, Lyra."

Lyra shrugged again, Pan gently batting her head with his paw. It wasn't like she really didn't care, just sometimes it no longer seemed important. She'd basically grown up without him. Wasn't much different to keep doing it. Sometimes it hurt so much she felt it couldn't breath, but other times she forgot she had a father at all. When she ran freely on the roofs, wind whipping through her hair and Pan swooping over her head, nothing else mattered.

"We just think it'd be nice to have some company," Pan said when Lyra didn't respond for a while, concentrating on copying Roger's homework in a way that wasn't obvious. "You could just stay here for a bit."

"'m not sure," Roger glanced away and Salcilia crawled up his shirt as a dormouse. "My uncle wouldn't be too happy I reckon. But I can stay over like this more, y'know. Don't need much notice for that."

"Alright," Lyra agreed, quite happy with that compromise. Asking him to move in had been a longshot - a reckless idea she'd take instantly but knew her much more cautious friend wouldn't. She was happy for him to stay over more. Time spent with Roger was some of the best in her young life, because he truly was her partner in crime. She loved just chilling in her room like this... Copying his homework. "We can have pizza for dinner every night."

"I'll get sick of it," Roger made a face, clearly not just because of the maths problem in front of him. Lyra didn't see the problem. Pizza was nice and hit most of the food types (not that she paid attention to that in class), so why not eat it every night? "I e'nt eating it everyday "

"Fine, fine," Lyra rolled onto her back with a sigh. She'd give in this once, because it was Roger (even if he normally went along with what she said). "But I e'nt cooking."

"I e'nt expecting you too," Roger snorted. Lyra stuck her tongue out at him. "We go to the cafeteria every night, why'd we cook?"

"Cause it'd be better."

"Not if you were cooking," Pan piped up, hopping onto Lyra's stomach and knocking the wind out of her. She glared at him and playfully pushed him off. As if he could cook either.

"I e'nt trying Lyra's cooking, ever," Roger laughed. Lyra rolled her eyes. "Don't wanna get poisoned."

"I don't plan to cook ever anyway," Lyra scoffed, rolling back round to the homework. She'd pretty much already finished it, but she wanted to check it didn't look entirely plagiarised. Pan crawled up beside her, furry face scanning over it next to hers.

"You done yet?" Roger asked.

"Yeah, think so."

"Help me with this, then?" Roger dropped his pencil, face screwing up in confusion. Salcilia had hopped off him, collapsed on top of the maths paper as if she'd used all of her brainpower to try to solve it. "I just e'nt made for this. I e'nt got the smarts you do."

"Maths e'nt for everyone," Lyra shrugged, pride bouncing between her and Pan. It was thanks to Asriel that she was so smart, after all. And her hard work. But a big part of it was her father, whose research was cutting edge (she'd been told) and his intelligence the reason he was always away (not that she cared). "Don't worry, I'll help you. With my help you'll be a maths genius in no time."

-

"Wow, this is your house? Like, all of it? You e'nt sharing?"

"Yeah, it is," Will looked at Lyra, amusement twinkling in his eyes and lips twisting up. She could feel his gaze on her and just ignored it in favour of staring up at his house, mouth agape, Pan staring in much the same way. "Have you never seen a house before?"

"I have, I just assumed they were shared," Lyra shrugged. Pan jumped her shoulder, shifting to a finch mid jump and flapping up to the house's roof. He tweeted merrily as he looked around as far as he could go before flying back to Lyra. "I dunno anyone who lives outside of the college. Tis all flats there."

"Well, this is fairly normal in the rest of Oxford," Will chuckled, leading Lyra up the stairs to the main door. "It's nothing too impressive."

To Lyra it was. She hadn't expected to be invited to Will's, because he had parents so why would he want her round? When Asriel was back Lyra never had people round because it just didn't seem right. Yet a few days ago Will had suggested she come round for the weekend and she'd latched onto it, vibrating with excitement for the rest of the week. A whole day with Will! In his house!

Pan's awe filtered through to her as he scampered in first, chasing after the gently running Kirjava. It hit her too when she was properly inside, shoes off and coat hung up.

The whole place felt so... Warm. Not in the physical sense, but emotional. It was clear the house was well lived in and well loved, as was the family inside. Pictures of Will and Kirjava were hung all along the corridor, some with his parents and some without. Coats were thrown over the stair bannister and the sweet smell of baking cookies permeated the air. It actually felt like a home, decorated and treated like one.

Her own, barren outside of her room and a few photos she'd put up, was nothing in comparison.

"Will, is that you?" A gentle, calm voice floating through a nearby door. It had a similar quality to Will's, comforting.

"Yes, mum!" Will called back, offering Lyra an apologetic smile that she didn't understand the reason for. "I said I was just going to get my friend, didn't I?"

"Well, I just wanted to check. Your dad just went out to get some snacks for you two, so it might have been him."

Quickly the source of the voice appeared in the main hallway. She was a bit taller than Will, with a gentle smile and kindly eyes. There was a warmth that had Lyra simultaneously smiling and hurting inside. She and Pan watched Kirjava bound forward to greet her Daemon, a beautiful brown rabbit, their faces rubbing together. Lyra's heart felt heavy, Pan flickering between shapes before settling as a moth on her shoulder to hide his feelings. They ran rampant inside of Lyra, jealousy so rare of a feeling from her Daemon that she didn't know what to do about it.

"Mum, this is Lyra," Will coughed awkwardly, indicating to Lyra. "Lyra, this is my mum, Elaine."

"Lovely to meet you, Lyra," Elaine smiled brightly. Lyra was glad she didn't make any move to hug her or shake her hand, either of which could've been the convention for meeting a friend's parent. She wouldn't know. "Thank you for being such a good friend to Will."

"Mum, stop," Will groaned, raking a hand through his hair. Amusement flitted through Lyra, clashing with the agonising feelings swirling in the pit of her stomach and constantly radiating from Pan. She raised a hand to gently touch Pan's moth body.

"Nice to meet you too," Lyra replied after a moment, shoving away the horrible emotions she'd been feeling too much recently. She couldn't quite keep up her smile under Elaine's kindly gaze, looking away with a light blush. She just wasn't used to it. With some gentle coercing, a mental back and forth, Lyra encouraged Pan to come down and greet Elaine's daemon quietly.

"Will you be staying for dinner, Lyra?"

"Mum, don't-"

"I'd love to!" Lyra interrupted before Will could say anymore, grin much more genuine. She had no idea how well anyone here cooked, but it had to be better than the cafeteria. A homemade meal! What a luxury. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had one... It wasn't like Asriel could cook.

"Lovely. I'll make sure it's extra nice. What about something to eat just now."

"We're fine, mum," Will waved her away, looking at Lyra. "Right?"

Lyra nodded. She really wasn't hungry at all. Her upset had been fleeting, quickly ignored, but it had destroyed any previous appetite.

"We're going to go upstairs now, mum. No need to bother us, I'll get anything we need."

Will hurriedly shoved Lyra up the stairs, softly apologising the whole way to his room. Lyra really couldn't understand it, because his mum had been nothing but nice, but she nodded along with it. Pan bounded up the stairs behind her, returning to his preferred ermine form. Will showed them into his room, pushing the door closed behind them.

Lyra froze just a few steps in, looking around in wonder. Will's room was larger than hers, but not massively, with a double bed pushed up against the wall and shelves and bookshelves lining the room. It was decorated with framed pictures and movie posters. Lyra glanced over the bookshelves, filled with more books than Lyra had ever read. There was a whole section of fantasy novels that had her interested, both those she'd read and a fair few never heard of before. Excitement bubbled in her chest at finding another thing they had in common.

"Take a seat," Will said softly, stepping around her and sitting down on his bed. Kirjava hopped up after him and curled up on his pillow as a ferret.

Lyra and Pan hesitated, looking between the bed and the rest of the room. Finally Lyra sat cross legged on the floor, Pan spreading himself across her lap. The carpet felt plush beneath her hands, spread behind her so she could lean back and look up at Will. There was a cosy feel to his room, even if it was well tidied and simply decorated. She wondered how he kept it in that state… her room was always a mess.

“Sorry about my mum,” Will said yet again. “She means well, but can be a bit much sometimes.”

“Wasn’t a problem to me,” Lyra replied. She really didn’t understand, because to her it was just nice that his mum was present. She was there showing an interest in Will’s friend (the fact Will had told her about Lyra made Lyra feel giddy). She existed. “Your mum’s nice.”

“I’m glad you think so… It's a good thing dad was out, or we’d never have gotten away. He’d be asking you all sorts of questions. Both of them would. Then he’d probably start on some weird story.”

“What kind of weird story?” she leaned forward, curiosity shining in her eyes.

“Well, dad always likes to talk about when we went up North, to Scotland. I think I was eight at the time… My dad managed to convince me that haggis was real and that we were going to Scotland to hunt one down for his work. He said they’re all over the place in Scotland, running around in circles because one of their legs are shorter than the other. He had me running all around looking for it. Mum was in on it too. I think they enjoyed sending me off into the woods where we were staying and getting some alone time. It wasn’t so bad there, but then we went to Edinburgh… And I very seriously asked in a cafe that served haggis where I could find them, because I was on an important mission to capture one alive. Mum and dad were laughing their heads off. The waiter played along, but I realised dad had been pulling my leg the whole time.”

There it was again, a stab of jealousy she didn't want to feel. Even as her lips curled up in amusement her heart clenched, Pan’s claws digging into her thighs - not enough to hurt, but enough to ground her. She didn’t want to feel like this, but she wished she had stories like that to tell. All her wild stories were completely made up, lies that came to her so easily, or they featured her alone. The only ones that were truly precious to her were with Roger. She didn’t have any with family. She hadn’t even left Oxford either.

"They're so embarrassing," Will laughed, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. Kirjava squeaked her agreement. “The way they played along while laughing… Dad loves to tell everyone about it. He’s constantly teasing me about it and other things, he just won’t let up.”

"That sounds nice," Lyra shrugged. She didn't really understand how it was embarrassing... To her it just sounded nice. They clearly loved Will, and Will loved them. She wasn't sure if Asriel would ever tease her like that. It was hard to tell if he was ever joking, words so mocking that it just made her rude in return. "My father e'nt like that. He's all serious, work’s his life and all that. I wish I had memories like yours."

"Father?" Will looked slightly confused. "Are you actually rich, calling him that? That doesn't make sense..."

"Don't think so... We en't got that much money. He said that calling him dad is too sentimental, is all."

"That's ridiculous, Lyra," Will's eyebrows shot up his forehead, dark eyes narrowing. Kirjava shifted to a cat with a light hiss. "When did he tell you that?"

"When I was six, I think." She wasn't too sure.

"Maybe things have changed since then."

"Maybe." But she doubted it. He wasn't home more than once a year, and she hadn't had contact with him since he called her five months ago. She couldn't imagine Asriel suddenly turning around and playing a proper dad, hugging her and taking her to after school classes (that she didn't even have in the first place). It was nice to imagine, though. "He really e'nt around enough for me to even ask. Y'know, he was last home two years ago."

"Two years?" Will gave her a look of abject horror. "What about your..."

Will trailed off, leaving the question unsaid as he realised perhaps it wasn't so appropriate. Lyra wasn't bothered by it at all. She'd never had a mother, so what was there to be sad about? She had her father when he was around.

"I e'nt got a mother. Never had. Dunno who she is and I don't really care.” Well she did a bit, intensely curious about who it was that her father was so against telling her. But she’d gotten used to not having one long ago. “My father's enough. I just wish he was around more. He works far north most of the time, in the Arctic and the like... I don't remember when he last stayed for more than a few weeks."

Will didn't say anything, gaze filled with a silent sympathy that didn't rub Lyra the wrong way for once. Somehow when it came from Will it didn't feel patronising or offensive. She just felt comforted knowing he was willing to listen to whatever she said. Pan turned into a snow leopard cub in her lap, stretching up to rest his paws on her shoulders and pressed his face into her neck. She hugged him back, rubbing her face into his fur.

"I know what my father is doing is amazing, and it sounds important. I just wish he'd take me with him if he has to go away for so long. I want to see the north too. He talks about it so much, then leaves me here all on my own. I don't want to get in the way of his work but... I want my father."

"I understand," Will said softly. "A bit. My dad used to go to the north pole all the time too for his work. He was barely around when I was little. I think I was six or seven when he and mum got into a big argument about it. I'd never seen my mum so upset... After that dad was around more. He still goes away, but for shorter periods of time and he's home longer. Maybe you should talk to your dad."

Lyra paused, fingertips digging into Pan's back. Had she properly talked to her father about it before? She asked him to take her with him constantly, and three years ago she'd broken down in his arms about it all. But she hadn't actually said how much she wanted him to be around. How much she needed a father. To her it was obvious. But when half of their conversations ended up an argument, maybe it wasn't to Asriel. Maybe she should tell him.

"I'll try it... Pan too."

"I also miss Stelmaria," Pan admitted, large yellow eyes looking up at Lyra. "We should be more honest."

"We should." Lyra nodded, deciding right there that she would. With a path in mind there was no point dwelling on it. She didn't come to Will's to get upset over her father and talk about things she normally only shared with Pan, she came to have fun with a friend. She was glad that she'd talked about it for just a bit, but she wanted to move on now. "Do you have any games? We should play something.

"Games?" Will hummed, looking at Kirjava for ideas. If he was surprised by the abrupt subject change he didn't show it. Perhaps he was already used to Lyra jumping around different topics. "Do you know how to play cards?"

"Of course! I'm great at most card games!" Lyra grinned, dark eyes sparkling. Her and Roger used to play all the time, stealing a pack of cards and sneaking onto the roof to play Poker with only rocks to bid. She'd played with the librarian too and then a few other professors joined, all far more eagle eyed and experienced than Roger. They saw right through her cheating and she had to quickly up her game, improving genuinely to not get soundly beaten. She'd gotten better at cheating too. "What do you want to play?"

"Lyra cheats," Pan commented, shamelessly outing her before Will could even respond. "She's real good at that."

"Not that much!" Lyra huffed indignantly. "I'm good at playing without cheating too, just all the old men at the college are too good to beat without it. I e'nt gonna cheat, I swear."

"I believe you," Will chuckled, pulling a set of cards out from beside his bed. Kirjava turned her amber eyes to Lyra, silently watching in a way that made Lyra sure she couldn't cheat anyway. Pan was far too happy about that. "Is blackjack one of the ones you've played?"

"Yeah, plenty," Lyra grinned. This was going to be fun. "I'm an expert."

"Perfect," Will grinned back, sliding down onto the floor in front of her. "I'll deal. Don't expect me to go easy on you."

Lyra snorted, before plastering a neutral expression across her face. Pan turned into a moth and fluttered up to her shoulder, aiding in keeping her thoughts hidden.

"Bring it on."

-

"We're going to get caught!"

"No we e'nt," Lyra rolled her eyes at Pan as she ran over a roof, feet tapping against the concrete. "I faked being sick real well. They e'nt gonna check up on me later. It’s better than skipping school! It en’t even proper school."

"We are skipping school, proper or not," Pan complained, shifting into a rat so he could better moan at her by sticking his nose right in her ear. It tickled so much that she had to force herself not to flinch away. She didn’t understand why he was so worried. It wasn’t like she’d wanted to be signed up for summer school ever… It was like her worst nightmare being in school in August, and she knew it’d been done just to keep her out of the college professor’s way. She assumed her father had just approved it but probably not suggested ot, so would he really care if she skipped? "We'll just be in more trouble."

"Stop worrying so much!" Lyra grinned daringly, hopping up onto the wall that separated Jordan from the outside. There was a gate that she could take instead but it was much more fun this way.

"Lyra, don't-"

Pan had barely turned into a bird when Lyra jumped, landing on her feet and rolling forward onto her knees to break her fall. Easy. Her whole body thrummed with energy, finally allowed to be free after days constrained at school.

"Lyra," Pan hissed at her, suddenly burying into her hair as a black rat. "Look!"

Lyra looked up and met the eyes of the woman she'd just jumped out in front of. Damn. Maybe she should've actually checked before going over.

The woman was beautiful, with dark hair perfectly coiled at the top of her head. Her dress was a blood red that suited her well, and lips a colour to match. She held herself with an elegance and poise that she'd only seen on period shows. The kind that lords and ladies were supposed to have. Even her daemon was pretty, a monkey with golden fur shimmering in the sun and almost blinding Lyra. She was enraptured.

"Uh, hello." Lyra tried to smile as innocently as possible, turning into a slight grimace when Pan's claws dug into her neck. She wanted to appease this woman she'd never met before for some inexplicable reason.

"Hello there," the woman smiled, showing a set of pearly white teeth Lyra could only dream of. She stepped towards Lyra, heels clacking against the pavement, and leaned down with a held out hand. "That was quite the entrance. Aren't you a bit young to be a student at Jordan college?"

"Oh I e'nt a student," Lyra confessed easily, taking the manicured hand and letting it pull her to her feet. It was so soft to touch, as if this lady had never worked a day in her life. Lyra hid her rough, dirty hands behind her back as soon as the lady let go. "My father works here. Are you a visitor?"

"I am indeed. My name is Mrs Coulter, I'm a visiting academic. And what's your name, dear?"

"Lyra Belacqua," Lyra puffed up her chest, proudly saying it. She ignored Pan's unease.

"You're Asriel's daughter? Gosh, you've grown so much since I last saw you."

"You know my father? You've met me before?" Lyra's eyes lit up, excitement blazing in her chest. Nobody in Jordan would ever talk about Asriel to her, probably for fear he'd find out. But maybe Mrs Coulter would be different and she could find out all the juicy details no one else would say. "Are you very close?"

"I suppose we are," Mrs Coulter laughed, a delicate sound that was easy to the ears. "We were research partners before our careers took us on different paths. You must have only been one or two at the time, just a small thing. I remember you screaming with all your might at that age."

"Father did tell me that," Lyra giggled, blushing slightly under the kind gaze of such a dignified woman. Pan chittered on her shoulder nervously, finding the golden monkey daemon unnerving where Lyra found Mrs Coulter appealing. "I was so loud he had all the neighbours banging on the door to get me to be quiet. He said he didn't sleep for days 'cause I wouldn't shut up."

"Yes, I remember that." Mrs Coulter's smile faltered for just a moment. "He was so lost when you were young. Used to looking after his devices but not a child. Asriel was uncertain even when holding you."

"My father, really? But he always seems so sure of himself. I just can't imagine it."

"Nor could I before then. It was quite funny, really, seeing him so confused about how to calm you when he was always so certain about work matters."

"What did you both research back then?" She asked. She roughly knew the answer, but was both curious to find out more and wanted to make sure Mrs Coulter actually worked with her father.

"Oh, it varied. There were many areas of particle physics that we worked on together. Dark matter was the primary thing. It's a little too complicated for a young girl like you to understand, but we both sought to prove its existence at first. We travelled to the Arctic where he believed it was strongest to try that. Then Asriel wanted to photograph and capture it, and I wanted to explore its meaning. There we differed."

Lyra knew a bit about dark matter, or shadow particles as she really remembered then, from listening to her father talk about his work. It was quite interesting even if she only understood maybe half of it. There were only a few people working on it, he'd said. Two in another college here in Oxford, him and a few others in London. He'd not mentioned being friendly with any... Then again, when did he ever tell her anything personal?

Lyra knew she shouldn't trust a stranger so easily, her father had taught her that, but something about Mrs Coulter made Lyra want to trust her. And she knew Asriel... Like actually knew him, as opposed to pretending. If she was a friend of her father's it was fine right?

"Father taught me a bit about it. He says loads of people think of it differently, but he believes it's conscious thought. Supposedly some people think it's sin, but he thinks that's just archaic. 'Cause of that a lot of people don't like it or his research. He says he's getting close too. I'm not sure how a particle could be sin or thought. That doesn’t make sense to me."

"Asriel really did tell you a lot. You're very clever and interesting, Lyra, and I'd like to get to know you better. I actually have a couple of hours to spare before my appointment with Dr Carne, so how about I take you to a cafe and we can continue our talk there."

Lyra's chest swelled with pride and Pan preened on her shoulder as a brightly coloured parrot, sun highlighting a myriad of reds, greens and blues. "I'm smart enough that my father tells me about these things... Oh, you could just come back to my place. Tis a bit of a mess but it's much closer."

"Are you sure? That would be awfully convenient, but I wouldn't want to impose on you and Asriel."

"He e'nt here," Lyra waved her hand as if that didn't matter to her. "Is just me and I'd really like you to come."

"Well of course, darling, I'll come if you want me to."

Lyra grinned, nodding fervently. She was excited at the prospect of having such a dignified and intelligent woman over to visit. And one who worked with her father! She knew all about his research.

"It's not far from here!"

"I do hope we'll be walking the more traditional route to get there."

"Oh- oh, yes, I only use the roofs when I'm alone. Y'see my father told me it was the best way to train for when he takes me on expeditions. I have to spend at least an hour on 'em everyday to train. Sometimes I even sleep there."

"That's fascinating," Mrs Coulter smiled dazzlingly, causing flutters in Lyra's stomach. So she carried on telling tall tales to impress her.

Lyra chattered the whole way back to the flat, with Mrs Coulter taking great interest in everything she said. She rarely had such a captive audience, since Roger already knew all about her and Asriel could only listen for so long.

"This is our place," Lyra said nervously, fumbling with her keys and finally managing to unlock the door. She opened it and let Mrs Coulter in first. The living room was in a slightly better state than it was before, all important boxes locked in Asriel's room and the others had been shoved to the side by Lyra when she'd wanted more space. She'd even taken it into her own hands to decorate the place a bit, getting a cyan rug from a second hand store and placing it in front of the fireplace.

"What a lovely little place." Mrs Coulter looked around with a smile, brown eyes flickering between each object in the room. Lyra was glad she didn't comment on the messy sections.

"Take a seat," Lyra waved towards her armchair. She didn't want anyone else sitting in her father's... And if someone had to, it would be her. "Uh, do you want some tea?"

"I'd love some," Mrs Coulter flashed her another dazzling smile, making her way over to the armchair and inspecting it. Her golden monkey daemon climbed up onto the arm, perching there and watching Lyra. "Thank you, Lyra."

Lyra grinned and skipped over to the kitchen. She didn't frequently make tea but it wasn't too hard. There'd been a few times when she'd made it for her father to try and get his attention. He'd been grateful at least.

"Don't leave it in too long," Pan hissed, watching over the two mugs of tea with sharp eyes. Lyra quickly pulled the tea bags out and added some milk, then stirred four sugars into hers.

"Here's your tea," Lyra turned away from the kitchen with the mugs in hand.

She caught Mrs Coulter still standing, looking at the picture on the mantelpiece. It was recent, of Lyra hugging a disgruntled Asriel and holding a broken arm high in the sky. Pan curled around Lyra's shoulder as a pine marten and Stelmaria stood at their feet, gaze full of amusement. Lyra had forced Asriel to get it taken after she'd found out he wouldn't be there for her birthday, as an early birthday gift. She'd gotten a printed version right after he'd left and even saved some allowance for a frame to display it. It was one of her most treasured possessions now, because when she looked closely she could see contentment in her father's eyes.

Beside it was a picture of her when she was only four, grinning and covered in dirt. She'd found it hidden in one of the books Asriel had left lying around and decided it should be displayed too.

"We took that when father was last around," Lyra explained cheerily, handing Mrs Coulter her tea. "Twas my birthday gift from him. He looks grumpy but he's happy really. You can see it in his eyes, look."

"Is that so..." Mrs Coulter talked slowly, each word emphasised. "I never was too good at reading him."

Lyra felt a slight chill, Pan's fur standing on end. She felt she shouldn't continue this conversation. There was no reason for it, just a feeling.

"Mrs Coulter, what're you at Jordan for?" Lyra asked. She took a seat in Asriel's armchair, knees pulled up to her chest. "Did you study here?"

"Dear me, no," Mrs Coulter laughed, taking a seat herself. Lyra watched as she took a sip of her tea, carefully so as to avoid ruining her lipstick. Lyra made a mental note of how it was done just in case she ever wore lipstick one day. When Mrs Coulter took another sip Lyra felt her shoulders relax, tension she hadn't even realised she held disappearing. The tea couldn't be too bad then. "I studied at another college in Oxford. Jordans college is quite strict with who it accepts, and I didn't quite make it. I'm an old friend of Dr Carne, but I'm here on business."

"What kind of business?" Lyra blinked over her tea mug. She finally forced herself to drink some, gripping Pan's fur to stop herself from grimacing. She'd made it for herself so that she looked more mature, wanting to impress such a noble lady, but she really hated it. It was way too bitter.

"It's quite complicated, I'm afraid. You seem smart, dear, but you're a little too young to understand it."

"I e'nt that young! I'm old enough to understand most things!"

"Exactly how old are you, dear?"

"I'm almost thirteen! My birthday's in only a few weeks."

"Ah yes," Mrs Coulter narrowed her eyes for a moment, and Lyra could tell she was quickly thinking of something. "August 24th, right?"

"How did you know? Did my father tell you?"

"He did," Mrs Coulter tittered, a funny half smile on her lips. "I must remember as he talked about you so often."

Warmth bubbled up in Lyra's chest. To know her father had talked about her so much that his friend still remembered her birthday! She exchanged a look with Pan, who chirped cheerfully at her. Lyra stroked his soft fur as he curled up on her lap.

"He really talked about me that much?" Lyra looked down at her legs bashfully, fingers pressed into Pan's fur. "I didn't think he would."

"Oh he very much did," Marisa leaned back, crossing her legs and tilting her head. It was a position that drew all of Lyra's attention, somehow more relaxed and commanding at the same time. It made Lyra want to listen to her even more. "He was quite the excited father when you were little. Still a workaholic, but he'd talk about you as much as his work."

Lyra wondered what had changed. She shook away that thought, shared only with Pan, and decided to ask more about Mrs Coulter instead. She seemed so exciting! Unlike all the other female researchers she'd met through her father. "If you worked with my father does that mean you was an explorer too? Have you been to the Arctic?"

"I suppose I could be called that. I went a few times with him, and a few without. It's a vast place with dangerous conditions, but beautiful to witness. I was actually the one who negotiated for a boat to take us there the first time, convincing all the crew we needed that it would be worth their while. Asriel is a leader, but he's far too brutish in his methods. Without me he wouldn't have gotten further north than Svalbard. It was much harder then, when all we had was an idea and very little money. Our crew was so small and our supplies so limited that at one point we had to hunt for ourselves on the ice."

"Really?" Lyra gazed at her in awe, paying as much attention as she could. It was rare she could just silently listen. Often it was only when Asriel talked about his work that she did. But Mrs Coulter was just as interesting as him. She had a way with words that had Lyra hanging on to each one with rapt attention. It was enchanting.

"Really. Seal hunting is quite easy when you get the hang of it. You just have to have patience in waiting for the seal to emerge from under the ice. Asriel wasn’t good at that part, he much preferred things he could kill and eat instantly. I quite enjoyed it. There was something satisfying about succeeding after such a long wait. Of course, we only killed what we needed and used every part of the seal. Your father knew how to skin them perfectly. Ah,” Marisa paused, pursing her glossy lips. “This must be terribly boring for you, and a little too graphic.”

Lyra, who’d been listening with gross wonder, shook her head. “No, you could never bore me talking about expeditions! And it’s not too much at all… father brings me back all sorts of things from his expeditions, he even showed me a head once! A real human head.”

“Did he? Well, you’re a very brave girl to look at that.”

Lyra grinned, elated at the praise even if what she’d said was a lie. Pan turned into a snow leopard and purred happily, running circles in Lyra’s lap. He was more cautious than her, but easily affected by her giddiness.

Mrs Coulter’s smile faltered, and the golden monkey beside her reached over to curl his clawed fingers around her arm. He tugged slightly and Mrs Coulter looked at him with narrowed eyes.

“Dear me, look at the time. I’d love to tell you more, Lyra, but I have to go meet with Dr Carne now.” Mrs Coulter stood with a sickly sweet smile, putting down a barely drank tea with a rim now stained slightly red. “It really was lovely to meet you.”

Lyra’s stomach dropped and she stood up, rushing to follow Mrs Coulter towards the door all while talking incessantly. "Will I see you again? Do you live in Oxford? If you tell me where it is I can come round anytime, I won't be a bother I swear."

“I live and work in London, I’m afraid, not here. Oxford is much too small for my work. London is where everything important happens.”

“Oh,” Lyra hung her head, pouting down at her shoes. Pan curled around her legs. It was as if all her energy had been sucked out of her. She’d been so excited to finally have someone to talk to about her father and his work, someone so interesting, but now it seemed she’d never see her again.

"Don’t look so upset, dear. Here, take this," Mrs Coulter smiled softly, holding out a sleek black card with delicate golden handwriting. "It has my personal number on it. You're free to contact me, Lyra, I'd love to see you again too."

Excitement sparked in Lyra’s chest again and she looked up with sparkling eyes. "Really? You're giving me your number?"

"I don't give this out to just anyone," Mrs Coulter leaned forward. Lyra was caught up in her gentle eyes, unable to look away. She didn't even flinch when Mrs Coulter brought up a hand to her cheek, a gentle and comforting touch. Lyra almost leaned into it. "I like you a lot, dear. You're a very clever and driven young girl. I'm giving you my number to use, so please do send me a message whenever you want to."

"I will," Lyra nodded, almost feeling empty when Mrs Coulter pulled away. Pan pressed against her leg, nervous feeling conflicting with her own. "Will you be back to Jordan college soon?"

"Not to Jordan college, no, but I'll be back in Oxford quite frequently I imagine."

Lyra smiled at that. It would be nice to have an adult she could go to that was actually around. Mrs Coulter seemed to know so much, she was so worldly. Lyra wanted to learn from her. Even if Pan wasn't fond of her daemon he didn't seem to have a problem with the woman herself, so it should be fine.

"Well, I'd best be off. Thank you for your hospitality, Lyra, take care."

"Goodbye," Lyra waved from the door, watching as Mrs Coulter disappeared down the corridor and not going back into the flat until she could no longer hear the clicking of her heels.

She quickly put Mrs Coulter's number into her phone, before clutching it to her chest.

How nice, to finally know an adult that was actually interested in her.

Chapter Text

"I heard rumours that he'd be returning soon."

"Where did you hear that?" Lyra turned her head disbelievingly to Pan, where he was perched on her shoulder as a magpie. It was the eve of her thirteenth birthday, and she'd decided it warranted skipping summer school. It was easy to escape and roam the streets of oxford instead. "I ain't."

"Salcilia told me. She overheard it from the cook's daemon, who was talking about the big meal they'd have to serve tomorrow."

"Really?" Lyra's eyes went wide like saucers, dancing with excitement. "He's really coming back tomorrow. Do you think it's for my birthday? He did promise to be back for it."

"I thought you didn't care," Pan commented drily. Just the other day Lyra had boasted about getting older, how she was too mature to be overly excited every time Asriel came back. She was a teenager in a few days, that was practically an adult. Of course Pan could sense how she really felt. Two years was the longest he'd been away... And it had been hard for both human and Daemon. Harder than it had ever been before. That was a downside of ageing, both felt. Suddenly everything felt more real and his absence much more obvious, the negatives beginning to outweigh the positives by far.

"I don't. It'll just be nice to get a big present, that's all."

Pan snorted.

She didn't care about him coming back at all this time. That's what she told herself the next day when she skipped summer school again. It wasn't that she cared about him coming, just that she wanted to have a fun birthday. Which meant no stupid summer school and time spent scaling the roofs of Jordan College. If she happened to see her father come back? Well that wasn't a problem... As long as he didn't see her too.

"We should've said to Roger and Salcilia," Pan muttered, sitting on her shoulder as a plain brown finch. "Then we'd have them to play with us on the roofs."

"Sometimes it's fun to go up alone!" Lyra replied, telling both herself and Pan that it wasn't an excuse at all. None of this was to do with Asriel coming back. "I know, let's go see if the master has any birthday money for us!"

Roger had already come over that morning, his gift to her an attempt to make pancakes for breakfast. They'd been sorry looking but delicious tasting, made even sweeter because they were made just for her. He hadn't mentioned a cake or doing anything in the evening, which confirmed that her father probably was coming back. Other than that she'd gotten birthday messages from Will and Mrs Coulter, both a bit unexpected and making her giddy. Normally she didn't get any. All that was left to do was see if there was any money for her.

"I bet there isn't," Pan chirped, flapping over her shoulder. Lyra rolled her eyes at him. He was always so cynical, it was worth a check... And maybe she could nick some nice treats out of the Master's office.

She jumped up from her crouched position, lightly running across the tiled roof and leaping down onto the wide wall connecting two buildings. She scaled the wall of the main college building, elation seizing her as the wind blew through her hair. No matter what the rest of the day was like, there was nothing as thrilling as climbing like this.

"Lyra, over here!"

She'd just scaled it when Pan flew away from her, his excitement dancing in her chest. Lyra crawled along the stone until she reached the edge of the roof, peering over into the corridor leading towards the Master's office. It was off a large courtyard, half outside and easy to spy on. It was one of her favourite places to throw stuff at professors.

She scanned it up and down to see what Pan was so excited about- there!

Asriel stood halfway down the hall. His beard had grown longer and unkempt in the time she hadn't seen him, and his favourite blue wool sweater looked worn from use. He had his backpack slung over his shoulders as if he's just arrived. Stelmaria was at his side, tail swishing and teeth bared. Asriel didn't just look grumpy like normal, his expression was dark and his eyes thunderous.

Lyra gulped, even as she felt like she was about to burst from excitement. She couldn't deny how much she'd missed him now that he was there... All the feelings she'd tried to pretend didn't exist rushing back. She was delighted that he was actually back on her birthday, but also scared. He didn't look like a father happily returning to celebrate his daughter's thirteenth.

"Let's go talk to them," Pan whispered, toes curling round the edge of the gutter. His yearning combined with her own, both wanting to go talk to and be close to their only family. Pan wanted to bound over as a snow leopard, jumping onto Stelmaria and wrestling her until she pinned him down and licked his head. Lyra wanted to tell Asriel all about what she'd been doing the past two years and hear about all of his discoveries, and maybe if she was lucky she'd get a hug. They desperately wanted to go over.

"We can't," Lyra shook her head, gaze flicking to the one Asriel was talking to. The librarian... The professor Lyra was sure had suggested summer school in the first place. "He'll find out we're skipping. Let's just get closer and try listen."

Pan readily agreed, flying over and perching closer to Asriel. Lyra crawled over, carefully to avoid any loose tiles and moving as lightly as she could. She shuffled forward on her stomach until she could hang her head over the edge, peering over and straining to listen.

"-don't think you can stop me." Asriel's loud, biting voice was easy to hear. He wasn't trying to keep it down, anger only making it louder, so whatever they were talking about must not be secret. "Continue to stand by as you always have, Charles."

"Rethink this, Asriel," the librarian pleaded, old voice harder for Lyra to make out. She shuffled further forward, fingers curling around the gutter at the edge of the roof. Pan turned into an opossum and hung over the edge, feet curled over the gutter and tail wrapped around Lyra's arm. Lyra had to throw a hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle from the thought of how they looked, both hanging over the edge. Thankfully the courtyard was otherwise empty.

"I will not," Asriel growled. Lyra shuddered, even though his anger wasn't directed at her. "It doesn't matter if I can't stay here any longer, since this place is no longer safe."

Lyra looked at Pan, eyes widening in horror. But he'd only just gotten here! He couldn't leave... And if he couldn't stay here, what did that mean for her?

"Think about Lyra! She's had so little stability, if you-"

"This is for Lyra!"

Lyra froze, hands clenching the gutter and not caring when the metal edge began to dig into her palm. She didn't understand. How could Asriel leaving be for her? He always said that, but it never really was. She wasn't just going to let him leave forever.

"Lyra, we shouldn't," Pan hissed, even as his despair filled Lyra. She ignored his warning and rolled over, swinging over the edge of the roof. She clung to the gutter and just hung there for a moment, before swinging and landing on her feet. Pan swooped after her as a sparrow before landing as a wildcat, fur spiked up and eyes blazing.

"Father!" Lyra sprinted towards Asriel and the librarian, quickly closing the short distance between them. Both turned to look at her, the Librarian's shock clear across his face and Asriel's expression not wavering. Stelmaria growled, low in her throat and intimidating. Pan just growled back, leaping into Lyra's arms hissing and glowering. "Father, you can't leave, I won't allow it!"

She reached his side, grabbing his arm. She'd cling on so that he couldn't leave because she'd be stuck to him like glue.

"I e'nt letting you do this, father, I e'nt! Please, don't!"

"Not now, Lyra," Asriel snapped and shoved her hand off his arm, easily dislodging it. Lyra flinched back and Pan hissed louder, vibrations travelling through Lyra's chest. Asriel's gaze softened slightly even though his face was still hard with anger. "I don't know what you've heard, but I'm not leaving. I have something important to talk to the master about, and I've already been interrupted long enough." He glared sharply at the librarian. "I'll come talk to you immediately afterwards."

Lyra shook her head, eyes feeling hot and Pan's growling not letting up. Was Asriel going to go to the master, talk to her and then leave? She didn't want that. He'd been away for so long, too long, and she couldn't bear watching him leave again. "Please, father, don't-"

"I'm sorry, Lyra," Asriel interrupted, Stelmaria's tail flicking. "I'm not going anywhere, so just wait."

Lyra wasn't given any other option because Asriel turned away from her, striding up to the door to the Master's office and entering without even knocking. Lyra held Pan, now a polecat, against her.

She hoped Asriel wasn't lying this time.

Asriel was furious.

"How dare you let that woman into Jordan College?" His fist slammed down on the Master's desk, loud bang echoing around the small room. His eyes were dark with rage, face terrifyingly thunderous. Stelmaria bared her teeth and growled, low and clear as if she was about to sink her teeth into someone's throat. Both wished that she could. "I left Lyra in your care! I told you to keep her safe and to keep her away. You promised to do that, and knew the consequences if you didn't. Yet you allow them to meet."

"Lyra was supposed to be in school," the master didn't flinch in front of an anger that struck fear in most. He just wearily sipped his tea, judgmental gaze peering at Asriel from above his glasses. "Then she faked being sick. If she had actually been sick, this wouldn't have been a problem."

"That woman shouldn't have been allowed here in the first place! Whether Lyra was ill or not, she would have found her." Each word was punctuated with anger and Stelmaria's snarls. The thought of that woman, his former lover, coming anywhere near the daughter she'd abandoned had him seeing red. His hatred for her ran deep, but it was conflicted with feelings he still held. It was only when Lyra was concerned that he could see clearly - Marisa had to be kept away from her at all costs. Now that she'd found her, she wouldn't stop coming. "Did you plan to just pretend she was never here if I hadn't heard it from Alice?"

"I didn't intend to hide it from you, Asriel... but I cannot stop Mrs Coulter from entering," the master sighed. "Especially when she's here for legitimate business."

“Oh, you very well could. There’s no need to do business with her ilk. That was a choice you made. I was very clear with my terms when I moved here. Do you really think she's just here on business? That woman is very too cunning to have ‘accidentally’ bumped into Lyra. You are to blame for this.”

“I didn’t want them to meet either, Asriel, you know how I feel about Mrs Coulter. She couldn’t be stopped.”

"Then try harder to keep her away from Lyra," Asriel snarled, lips curled back and nostrils flaring. Stelmaria prowled to his side and he rested his hand on her shoulder, gripping her fur and feeling the taut muscles beneath his fingers. He needed to hold himself back. For all his anger he needed the protection of Jordan college, and the funding they offered. Most importantly this was the only home Lyra had known and he didn't want to tear her away from that. "Be thankful I met Lyra before this, or it would have been much worse for you."

"We all care about Lyra," the master shook his head, paying no heed to Asriel's threats. "I did what I could to keep her away from Mrs Coulter, but she still has more rights to your daughter than I do. Perhaps if you were here more often-"

"I will be," Asriel cut him off, fingertips digging into Stelmaria's muscles. She shifted underneath him, teeth still bared and emerald eyes fixed on the master. "It seems I can't trust anyone else to protect her."

Without another word he turned and left, Stelmaria on his heel. He wouldn't achieve anything else by staying longer, except for his anger increasing. His time would be much better spent talking to Lyra.

Lyra didn't go back to their flat, instead she waited outside the Master's office. She was too high strung to even consider leaving. She hovered nervously, flitting between both sides of the door and constantly trying to listen for anything inside. Unfortunately the room was well sound proofed, and very little leaked out. She wanted to know what had made her father so angry, but was scared to find out. What had the librarian told him not to do? Was he really not leaving?

Was it something she'd done? Was that why he was angry and wanted to leave? Then how would it be for her.

Pan hissed, a wildcat again as he paced alongside her. Neither of them spoke as there wasn't a need for words right now. They could feel each other's dread, a sinking feeling that everything was going to change when Asriel came out that door. It raged with anger inside her chest, scraping on her insides and trying to force its way out. She stopped moving, standing and staring at the door as if willing it to open. Pan leapt into her arms and pressed against her with a soft mewl. She hugged him to her, both feeling far too many emotions all at once. She pressed her face into his soft fur.

Creaaaak.

Lyra's head shot up, anxiety, frustration and relief warring inside of her at the sight of Asriel stepping out. His face was still tight with anger, brows set in a harsh line. Pan squirmed in her arms, desperately wanting to run up to Stelmaria but terrified of cold fury in her eyes and bared teeth.

"Follow me." Asriel didn't even stop or slow down, striding down the corridor after one sharp glare at Lyra. For a moment she considered defying him, but quickly followed after realising that would only hurt her, having to run to keep up with her father's long strides. Pan changed to a bird mid step, swooping after them. Lyra was too busy keeping up with Asriel to ask any of the questions burning on the tip of her tongue, panting lightly by the time they reached the apartment block. Asriel pulled their flat door open and rather unceremoniously pushed Lyra inside.

Lyra scowled, scurrying in before turning to glower at him mutinously. Why was it always like this? He was never nice to her when she came back. What had she done to deserve this?

Asriel kept his gaze fixed on her even as he dumped his bag and threw off his shoes. He wasn't saying anything yet, so she took it on herself to start asking the questions she couldn't before.

"Why haven't you been back in two years, why didn't you tell me you was coming back, why were you-"

"Lyra, that's not what's important right now," Asriel stalked over to her, heavy hands coming down on her shoulders and squeezing. She gaped up at him, before her lips twisted back into a scowl. How was that not important? She refused to back down under his harsh gaze, anger still simmering under the surface and his jawline hard. His voice was cold and sharp, loud enough to ring in his ears now that they were so close to each other. "You met someone, didn't you, who claimed to be my friend."

"I didn't. Dunno who you're talking 'bout."

"Don't lie to me, Lyra Belacqua." His grip tightened on her shoulders, fingers digging into her flesh. It wasn't enough to properly hurt but discomfort radiated from where he gripped her, making her feel trapped. Pan whined at her feet and clung to her leg. "I know you met a woman called Mrs Coulter."

"Alright, I did!"

"Never speak to her again, do you hear me?" Asriel barked. Lyra flinched even though she couldn't go anywhere, angry tears welling up in her eyes. What had she done to deserve this? She hadn't done anything wrong this time! "She is not a friend of mine. You should never be around her. She is dangerous. Do not trust her and do not speak to her."

"And that monkey," Stelmaria snarled, intense gaze fixed on Pan. "Stay far away from him."

“Tell me why, then!” Lyra yelled, struggling in his grip. “I e’nt gonna do it just cause you told me too. How’s she dangerous? She e’nt! She didn’t do anything! She was nicer to me than you ever are.”

“She’s nice to you for her own benefit! Do you really think she saw you, a little girl with a loud mouth and dirty hands, and decided she wanted to befriend you? She didn’t.”

“You’re lying!”

“Just do as you’re told for once, Lyra! Stop being so insolent!” Asriel’s voice deafened her, booming around the room as his expression only darkened. His nails dug into her skin, enough to hurt now. She only scowled more at him. “Never talk to her again. I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. This is all for your safety! You have no choice about this, I’m telling you she’s dangerous and you will believe that. You’re being intentionally rebellious!”

"Why are you shouting at me like I've done something wrong, when you've been away for so long! It doesn't matter that I met her! You're not even around to care!"

"Lyra, this is important! "

"I will! I'll stay away!" Lyra agreed so that her father would stop digging his fingers into her shoulders. She didn't really believe him. Mrs Coulter didn't seem dangerous at all. She'd been nothing but nice to Lyra, much nicer than Asriel always had been. Most of his warnings weren't really that serious. It was just a way to keep her from sticking her nose where it didn't belong she'd discovered. He should know better. She wasn't going to be stopped by a few scary words.

Especially when he didn't give her any actual reasons why she should stay away.

"Good," Asriel gave a sharp nod, letting go of her. She frowned and rubbed her shoulders, before rolling them to ease the stiffness. Her father backed away, going to slump down in his armchair. It was like all of his tension bled away, expression relaxing from harsh and angry to his normal grumpiness. Stelmaria followed and lay at his feet, gaze almost gentle as she regarded Lyra and Pan. They still radiated power like this, even as relaxed as Lyra had seen them.

She didn't understand at all, Pan scurrying up her legs and pressing against her cheek. He didn't seem mad anymore, and it was rare for her father's anger to die down so quickly. She observed him silently, watching as he raked a hand through overgrown hair and frowned. He looked relieved. Was it... That he wasn't angry at her, but worried because of Mrs Coulter? She couldn't see why that was the case, but it was plausible.

"I'm sorry," Asriel sighed reluctantly, apologising for the second time that day. Lyra wondered if she was dreaming, or if the world was about to end. It was so rare for him to apologise. In fact, she couldn't remember when he'd apologised last. "I just need you to stay away from that woman. I didn't mean to scare you."

"You didn't," Lyra retorted, even as Pan trembled at her neck. He was such a scaredy cat. It wasn't like they weren’t used to Asriel's anger. "I e'nt scared."

"That's good," Asriel chuckled, a hint of a smile on his lips. He beckoned her over. "Come over here, then. Let's talk about everything else."

Lyra hesitantly approached, Pan a mouse hiding in her hair. She stopped a few steps away from him. He raised a thick eyebrow, looking almost amused, before gesturing for her to come even closer. With a deep breath she did.

"I understand that you're upset, but you can't just make a scene like you did earlier." Unexpectedly Asriel's words were now measured, gone was his previous fervour, and he uncomfortably patted her shoulder. A look was shared with his daemon before he awkwardly reached out and pulled Lyra onto his knees. Lyra froze, eyes wide as a retort died on her lips, and Pan flickered on her shoulder. It was rare for her father to initiate a hug, only in his finest of moods, and he hadn't let her sit in his lap like this since she was a small child. The anger that had been simmering in her chest, threatening to explode, died down. "I haven't been... Around as much as I perhaps should have."

"Perhaps?" Lyra echoed, head turning to look at her father incredulously. "You en't been here for over two years! You didn't tell me you was coming back either! Why? Do you know how hard it's been? I went to my friend's place and met his parents and all I could think about were how you e'nt around. It were awful... Two years is so long, I'm in highschool now, I'm a teenager... And you e'nt been here to see it. You didn't even call me. Why not?"

"I've spent a lot of the last two years without reception," Asriel explained, hand raising to comfortingly rub her back. She leant against his chest and looked up at him, comforted by the feeling of the rise and fall of his breathing. She was still annoyed, she'd been through too much to not be, but the closeness was nice. Pan leapt off her legs and onto Stelmaria, curling up in her fur as an ermine. "As I said in our last call, I've made great progress this year. I finally have all the evidence to prove my theories."

"You photographed dark matter?"

"I did, and I discovered much more than I could have hoped. This step of my research is complete, and now I can move on to the next. That's why I stayed for so long, to see everything to completion."

"Does that mean you're leaving again soon?" Lyra's voice trembled even as she willed it not to. "You're not, are you? I overheard you talking to the librarian... I didn't mean to eavesdrop, honest, but I did. You said you was going to leave for me, but that wouldn't be for me at all, staying would be for me. I need you to stay."

Because with each year she grew older she began to feel more lost and alone. Suddenly she wasn't treated so much like the kid she still felt like, she was expected to know things that she'd had no one to teach her. She felt stuck on the brink of adolescence, both behind her peers and steps ahead of them at the same time. There was no one to guide her. How was she supposed to grow up when no one showed her how to?

"I'm not leaving."

Lyra let out a sigh of relief, before steeling herself for what she was going to say next. She'd promised herself that she'd be honest when Asriel was back, without it being an argument. She'd get her feelings across. "I want you to stay for longer. I... I need a father. I thought I didn't cause I could run on the roofs and had no restrictions... But I do. I really do."

She struggled with the words to express her feelings. There were so many of them, and she had so little experience being honest. Being friends with Will had helped a little, because suddenly there was someone who didn't know everything like Roger did and that she wanted to tell the truth. But she was still used to keeping everything hidden that her normally easily flowing words faltered.

"We both do," Pan mumbled, looking up with beady black eyes. "We don't know what we're doing. Growing up is scary."

"I plan to stay more permanently," Asriel replied, gaze softening further. It was almost warm for once, as if he was truly looking at her as his daughter. His lips twisted downwards, seeming to war with himself before continuing. "I've completed my research in the Arctic, for now. The next steps can be done here, and in locations closer to home. Any trips away will be shorter. I'll be here much more, and I'll try to be a better father."

"We both will," Stelmaria rumbled, turning her head to nuzzle into Pan. He turned into a snow leopard and pressed his nose against hers, happily chuffing. "I understand that you don't want to change, but growing up isn't as scary as it seems. You have time before you settle, Pantalaimon, so don't worry."

Lyra almost couldn't believe it, warmth flooding through their bond and encompassing her. She had never expected her father would say he was actually staying permanently, rather than just for a few months. Then to admit to planning to actually be a father with her? Asriel was always so gruff, his words harsh and blunt with little thought put into how they'd affect others. He'd hurt her too many times to count, and she took after him in that way too. Neither were honest, so she hadn't expected to hear something like that from Asriel's mouth. Stelmaria's perhaps... She felt giddy as the words truly sunk in.

It didn't make up for the two years he was gone, but it was a start.

"Do you mean it? You're actually here to stay?"

"Yes. I need to keep you safe." Asriel pushed back the errant hair that had fallen over Lyra's face, action far more gentle than she was used to. Safe from what, she wondered. "This does mean you'll actually have to attend school."

"I didn't wanna go to summer school in the first place," Lyra looked away under his intense gaze, Pan squeaking and burrowing into Stelmaria's fur as if to hide himself from her judgement. She chuckled at the reaction and nudged him. "It e'nt fun."

"Shall I pull you out then?"

"Yes!" Lyra nodded excitedly, sitting up straight in his lap. "I hate it so much."

"You won't like the alternative much, either," Stelmaria purred. "Summer school is much easier."

"What's the alternative?" Lyra tilted her head, glancing between Asriel and Stelmaria curiously. "Schools back next week, can't I just relax?"

"And run about the roofs until you fall again? I don't think so," Asriel grunted. "I'll teach you more advanced physics, and you can help me with some of my work."

"That's much better than summer school!" Lyra gasped, eyes shining. Helping her father with his work? That was what she'd always wanted to do.

"You won't be saying that at the end of the week," Stelmaria chuckled, leaning up to rest her head on Asriel's leg. It was so close to Lyra that they were practically touching. Lyra grinned, not feeling like she'd find it any worse. She was too happy right now to even consider any negatives, as if all her previous worries were gone. Pan scrambled up Stelmaria's back, jumping over her head and onto Lyra. She hugged him gleefully.

"Have you had lunch yet?" Asriel asked after sharing a look with Stelmaria.

"Nope!" Lyra shook her head. "I'm starved!"

"Let's get you fed then." Asriel gently pushed her off his knee and stood. "I'll take you out for lunch, for your birthday."

"Really? Will you take me anywhere I want to go?"

"Within reason," Asriel snorted. "Not too expensive."

Lyra grinned, sharing a look with Pan. She rarely got out to eat so there were loads of places she wanted to try. There was a cafe a few streets away from the college she'd always wanted to try, with all sorts of meats on display that could go in sandwiches and amazing looking cakes. She couldn't wait to go there with Asriel.

"Wait, before I forget," Asriel stopped her from running right out the door by catching her arm. He placed a shoddily wrapped bundle in her hands. "Happy birthday, Lyra."

A present! She unwrapped it gleefully, gasping at the beautiful leather bound books inside. They were more books on survival, in depth ones she'd wanted for a while but hadn't been able to afford. With wide eyes she flipped through then, elation soaring through her when she spotted scrawled writing throughout. Asriel had taken the time to add notes, correcting stuff he disagreed with or adding more information. She hugged the books to her chest, looking up at him with shining eyes and a wide grin. "Thank you, father!"

It was the best gift she could ask for, on the best birthday she'd had.

"That went well," Stelmaria rumbled, her and Asriel exiting the retiring room.

"Quite."

On the second night after his return Asriel was able to present his findings to a large group of Jordan academics. He'd hoped to do it as soon as he returned but there had been much more pressing matters, namely his daughter. It had given him more time to prepare anyway.

He'd caused quite the stir when he showed pictures of dark matter, proving the well known theory that it was attracted to adults but not children. People had muttered as if this information had to be hidden, fearful under the power of a church that wasn't actually in charge. The church had far too much power in parliament for Asriel's liking, but none over freedom of speech or knowledge. It wasn't this theory that went against anything those in power said anyway.

When he'd shown the pictures of a city in the sky, an entire other world, the whole room was in uproar.

It was easy enough for Asriel to bring enough of them to his side to provide more funding, even when the master wanted to shut it down. His work drew too much attention or trouble - it was too out there for the world to accept. That had never stopped him. He wasn't going to let small minded peoples' fear stop him from achieving his goals.

With the funding secured, he could finally research how to travel to that other world.

"We won't have to worry about moving," Stelmaria commented as they reached the apartment block, padding up the stairs. "That will be good for Lyra and Pan."

"Mm, Jordan is all they know," Asriel agreed. It had been a real possibility that after tonight he would be forced to leave Jordan college, with his position removed and no more funding given. That would have been difficult with a thirteen year old in tow, and the last thing he wanted was to uproot her. Thankfully it hadn't happened. Now he'd stay long enough to not have to worry about having his residency revoked.

"We'll be able to work here for now," Stelmaria rumbled, stretching out while she waited for Asriel to open the flat door. "They gave us plenty to rent local facilities."

Asriel nodded his agreement, shoving the door open. Lyra was waiting for him inside even though it was growing late, curled up on the floor with paper filled with near illegible scrawls. Hed told her to work at her desk or at least the living room table but she refused, saying she worked best like this. He hadn't had the time to argue about it.

He strode into the room, crouching down beside Lyra before she fully processed his presence. "Have you finished the problem yet?"

"No," Lyra whined, face screwed up and lips twisted into a pout. She glared at the paper in front of her as if willing the answer into life. It was rather amusing, and Asriel almost laughed at it. It was rare to see her looking so serious. "It's too hard."

"You said this would be more fun than summer school," Stelmaria chuckled, amusement flickering through their bond. She lay down on the floor and spread herself out in the hope she'd cool down somewhat. The warm summer didn't agree with her, and it made both of them yearn for the brisk temperatures further north.

"I didn't realise it'd be so much writing," Lyra complained, rolling onto her back and splaying her limbs. Pan flopped pathetically beside her as a red panda. "Can't I go adventuring, like you?"

"Very little of my work is in the ‘adventuring’, as you call it, Lyra," he snorted, glancing over her workings. He picked up one of the pieces of paper and turned to her. "Here, let me explain it to you."

He took the pen out of her hand and went through her workings, showing each place she'd gone wrong and what she should do instead. Lyra watched intently, nodding and gasping when she finally understood. She snatched the pen right back off him when he was nearing the end and filled in the last few lines herself.

"Well done," a smile tugged on Asriel's lips at Lyra's beaming face, triumph shining in her eyes. Pan jumped around her and onto Stelmaria excitedly. Asriel ruffled her hair and stood, his Daemon playing along with Pan's jumping by gently batting him with her paws. "Would you like some hot chocolate as a treat?"

"Yes!"

"Mum wants to know if you're staying for dinner tonight."

Lyra looked at Will, walking beside her on the way back to his after school, and hummed thoughtfully. Between college cafeteria food and dinner at the Parry's... It was an easy choice. "Yes please."

Everyone could cook at the Parry's place, so Lyra knew she'd get a good meal. It was nice to stay there for longer too, sitting at a dinner table with a full family in a house filled with warmth. Her jealousy from her first visit, which she hated, had ebbed away with each one after. The Parrys showed her nothing but kindness and she liked being there.

"What's for dinner?"

"Dad's home early from work, so I think he's making curry," Will hummed thoughtfully.

"He is," Kirjava confirmed from Will's shoulder, perched there as a hawk. "He said last night."

"You're right, he did."

Lyra's mouth was watering already. Dinner time couldn't come fast enough.

"He got a new console for the family recently, wanting to do more than reading or watching movies together. Didn't seem needed to me... But it's quite fun. Want to try it out?"

"Yeah," Lyra breathed out excitedly. The only gaming console she’d used before was a friend’s, a whole group of them crowded in a tiny living room fighting for a turn. She'd borrowed Asriel's laptop and played web browser games too, but normally he was using it for work or not even there. She should really ask for her own. Phone games had never appealed to her, so she didn't bother with those. She found much more fun to be outside, but with Will anything was fun. "I e'nt played much video games before, so go easy on me."

"No promises," Will grinned.

They reached his house, quickly greeting his mum before he dragged Lyra to their smaller living room. Lyra was thankful they weren’t going into the large one attached to the kitchen where his mum was. She liked Elaine, but was still uncomfortable around her. She didn't know how to act around adults she didn't want to lie to.

The smaller living room was cosy, with just a sofa and a small TV hooked up the console. Will got it all set up and handed her a controller. He then showed her the ropes for a game, and they got stuck right into it.

"How are you so good at this?" Will groaned after he lost again, even though a smile played on his lips. He dumped his controller beside him and flopped back on the sofa. "I'm beat... It's almost time for dinner anyway."

"I've always been good at games," Lyra grinned. "I e'nt played this one but I played similar racing games before. One of the boys I used to play with had an old console and we'd all go to his to play. I always won."

"I see I stood no chance," Will smiled back.

"Lyra’s too competitive to lose," Pan added from his place on the sofa's arm. "She always keeps trying till she wins."

"You're the same," Lyra shot back, sticking her tongue out at him. "You e'nt happy when you lose to another Daemon."

Pan couldn't deny it, leaping onto her. He shifted into a panther half way and landed on her stomach.

"Oof!" Lyra groaned, air escaping her lungs as Pan crushed them. She wrapped her arms around him and rolled over, play wrestling with him. Laughter fell from her lips when Pan shoved his face into hers, licking his rough tongue across her nose. She screwed it up and curled her fingers into his belly, tickling the soft flesh there. The ticklish sensations jumped between them, and both fell into fits of giggles on the sofa.

"Dinners ready!"

Elaine's call interrupted them, Pan held tightly in Lyra's arms. She was sprawled across the sofa, Will and Kirjava watching them with amusement. Lyra's cheeks heated up as she felt Will's gaze on her, filled with a playful light. She hadn't realised just how relaxed she felt around him at that moment. It was rare for her and Pan to share such joy in front of someone else. It was so easy to show Will every side of them.

"Shall we?" Will asked in mock politeness. He held out a hand to Lyra and pulled her up off the sofa. She ran a hand through her hair, now a wild mess around her face, to try and fix it a bit. Pan hopped off behind her, shifting back into an ermine. Lyra quickly gave up in trying to make herself more presentable and followed Will through to the kitchen, where a small table was set up to the side. There was enough room for four people but no more - it made it feel comfortable to Lyra. The whole space was filled with life and still astonished her, looking around with curiosity after she'd sat down beside Will.

"Help yourself," Elaine smiled as she put a large pan of curry in the centre, John following with one of rice. They busied around in the kitchen for a while before finally joining them. Lyra hesitated for only a moment before piling her plate with rice and curry, mouth watering at the tantalising smells.

"You don't hold back," Will teased even as he had almost as much food on his plate.

"It smells so good," Lyra shot back before shoving a spoonful into her mouth. She almost groaned. It had so much flavour... So unlike the boring cafeteria options. "It's so good."

"I'm glad you like it," John chuckled, smiling in a way similar to Will.

It was only the second time she'd talked with Will's dad, since he'd been working late the other times Lyra went to Will's after her first visit. She still wasn't sure how to talk to him. So she just smiled back.

"John's always able to whip up a feast," Elaine smiled. "Will's as talented as him with that."

"You're cooking is just as lovely, Elaine," John replied, looking at her with a soft expression.

“Oh shush,” Elaine blush, waving him away. “You’re biased.”

“And how glad am I about that.”

Lyra watched in awe. She'd never seen parents interacting like this... Not that she knew many parents. Had Asriel been like that with her mother? She couldn't imagine it. Her father looking so gentle and soft? Not possible.

"See, they're embarrassing," Will whispered to her, pulling a face even as his eyes smiled. "They're always like this."

"Yeah, it is," Lyra whispered back in agreement. She'd imagined the situation with Asriel and a hypothetical woman and... All she felt was a stab of jealousy that caused Pan to flicker between ermine and a wild cat in her lap. There was no embarrassment. Perhaps it just wasn't something she could understand without having both parents but she agreed to keep Will happy.

The rest of the meal was pleasant, filled with laughter and talk. A lot of the topics focused on Lyra, Will's parents asking her more about herself and her interests. This she found easy to talk about, boasting about how she was in school and her hobbies. Avoiding talking about her own family was easy since his parents seem to know not to talk about it.

"Want to watch some TV before going home?"

"Sure!" Lyra didn't see a problem with that since it was Friday and not dark out yet, thanks to it barely being into autumn. She didn't have to rush home and it wasn't like anyone would be bothered by her being back late. She was too full from the dinner to walk anywhere anyway.

She followed Will to the sofa and slouched on it, pulling out her phone just in case. Not that anyone would message her-

10 missed calls and 6 unread messages, all from Asriel. She didn't need to read them to know their contents.

"Oh, shit," Lyra cursed, unable to hold back the coarse language she tried to not use around the Parrys. "My dad's been calling me all evening."

"Your dad's home?"

"I forgot that he is," Lyra made a face, dread roiling in her gut. Pan constantly flickered beside her from shape to shape, agitated and worried. She'd gotten so used to having no adult to answer to and no one caring when she'd gone home that she'd forgotten things were different now. Asriel was actually around to see if she was back by dinner and he'd find out right away if she played truant. Not that she had yet, but she should've said she'd be back late. "I didn't tell him I'd be out and now he's mad... I'll be in so much trouble.

"You better call him back, then," Will said softly, unwavering gaze giving Lyra some semblance of confidence. She'd dealt with her father's anger over far worse things.

"Alright, I will." Pan turned into a rat and climbed up to Lyra's shoulder, sharp claws gripping onto her jumper and whiskers trembling against her ears. She took in a shaky breath before steeling herself and hitting the call button. She wasn't scared.

"Lyra Belacqua, where are you?"

Lyra and Pan flinched at the biting words and low growl audible in the background. She frowned. The lack of a greeting made any thoughts of apologising disappear. He didn't sound worried at all, just angry. That was more than enough to bring out her insolence. He probably thought she was off running the streets (which she did frequently) or causing trouble (which she also did frequently). Pan placed his front feet on her neck, squeaking indignantly into the phone. "At a friend's. I forgot to tell you."

"What's the address?"

Lyra looked at Will and mouthed 'address'. He quickly gave it to her, and she repeated it to Asriel.

"I'll see you soon."

It sounded like a threat and he hung up immediately afterwards.

"I think he's coming to pick us up," Lyra grimaced, putting her phone back down. She tilted her head to look at Pan on her shoulder, silently looking at each other for a few moments. Actually having someone to pick her up was... Different. Part of her couldn't believe Asriel was going to, even if it was out of anger.

"I'll warn my parents then," Will got up from the sofa with a smile. Lyra nodded absent mindedly. "Should I tell them to not introduce themselves? They'll be awfully overbearing if they do."

"It's fine," Lyra laughed slightly at that, feeling a bit more at ease. "My dad e'nt that bad. He's quite good with other adults."

Sort of. Lyra mostly saw him interacting with Thorold, who he was good to but also the boss of, or other professors, who he sometimes talked to with respect and sometimes with scorn. She didn't think Asriel had any friends... It seemed kind of lonely when she thought about it. Maybe he had some in the north.

He had her here, though, and that was definitely enough.

"Alright, I'll let them get the door then," Will chuckled, heading out the room to wherever his parents had gone off to after dinner. Kirjava followed close behind after a gentle look shot at Pan.

"Stelmaria's going to be mad," Pan mumbled, pressing his furry cheek against Lyras. "Did you hear her growling?"

"Hard not to," Lyra replied as Pan shuddered. Their previous fighting spirit was beginning to dissipate, as it often did immediately after the moment. Lyra didn't regret it, she didn't feel regret, but Pan wished they'd apologised. "We'll face them together. It's their fault for being away so long we e'nt used to it."

Pan agreed with that, and Lyra's nerves were quickly replaced with anger again at the thought. If her father had actually been around like he was supposed to this wouldn't be a problem. It wasn't her fault that she'd grown so used to living alone that she didn't even give it a second thought. She'd rarely had to answer to adults until now.

"How long do you think he'll be?" Will asked, sitting back down beside her. Kirjava slunk over his lap and pressed her nose against Pan comfortingly.

"Dunno," Lyra shrugged. "Takes me like fifteen minutes to walk here so probably that. He e'nt slow."

"Not enough time to watch anything then. You're saved from all the plot heavy shows I had prepared."

"I don't know if my brain could take that," Lyra sniggered. "I've done enough thinking for today!"

"Clearly not if you forgot your dad's home," Will teased. "When did he get back?"

"A few weeks ago. He e'nt going away this time but I'm still getting used to it."

"I forgot too," Pan said. "We're too used to being alone. Normally there's nobody waiting for us."

"I think we'll remember after this," Lyra sighed with a mirthful smirk.

"I'm sure he'll understand," Will reached an arm around her shoulders, pulling her in for a half hug. His dark eyes were filled with a soft sadness, sympathy for Lyra that she didn't quite like. She hadn't meant to make him feel that way. Her and Pan were fine. Especially now with Asriel back. "If he doesn't, I'll-"

Ding dong, ding dong.

Lyra jumped to her feet, instantly alert and body taut. Pan shifted into a snow leopard beside her, hoping to appease Stelmaria that way. She paused, not wanting to go through yet. The main door creaked open and muffled voices drifted through.

"Ah, hello, you must be Lyra's dad. I'm Elaine, Will's mum. Why don't you come inside, Lyra and Will are just in the living room... Lyra your dad's here!"

"Asriel. A pleasure to meet you."

Stelmaria entered the room first, searching gaze quickly finding Pan. Asriel followed right behind her, presence immediately filling the room. He didn’t look at Lyra right away, instead smiling at something Elise said and smiling.

Without waiting for him, Stelmaria stalked over. Her lithe muscles rippled under shining fur and her sharp teeth were shown through slightly drawn back lips. Pan shivered beside Lyra, flattening himself to the ground with a whine. Stelmaria shoved her nose into his fur without a greeting, sniffing him all over before carefully licking his head. Pan squeaked and submitted himself to the grooming, barely holding back soft purrs from her attention (that would just be embarrassing for both him and Lyra).

Lyra relaxed slightly at the warmth flickering from Pan, watching Asriel carefully. Maybe it would be the same? He’d turn around and hug her- oh, no. Asriel’s eyes were filled with restrained anger, his smile the kind he wore when he was trying to pretend he wasn’t mad. If it had just been the two of them she would’ve responded to it with a sullen scowl, but Will was here and she didn’t want to do that. Instead she just met his gaze stubbornly, refusing to look away.

"Would you like to stay for tea?" Elaine didn’t notice the tension between them, or pretended not too, smiling warmly at Asriel then Lyra. “I’m sure my husband would love to talk to you too.”

"Thank you for the offer, but I have work waiting for me." Asriel was far more polite than Lyra had ever seen him. She’d expected him to come in here in a rage and drag her out… he’d never cared about appearances in this way before. Maybe that was because everyone at Jordan knew what he was like. "Lyra, get your things."

“Alright,” Lyra muttered, scurrying out with Pan to grab her bag and shoes. She came right back in with them, wanting to stick with Will for as long as she could. She perched on the sofa arm to pull on her shoes, carefully watching her father. Impatience was etched across his face before he looked away from her.

"This must be Will," Asriel turned his attention to Will, tight smile on his lips. "I'm glad Lyra has such a sensible friend."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Lyra muttered, rebelliously tying up her shoe laces slower.

“It’s not like that,” Will laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Lyra’s sensible herself… She's a good friend. It’s uh, nice to meet you… Mr Belacqua.”

“Professor.”

“Just call him Asriel,” Stelmaria purred, giving Asriel a warning look. Lyra was glad that she’d said it, because she’d been about to say so herself. No way was her friend calling him Professor Belacqua or whatever… It was bad enough that Roger didn’t call him by his name. At least Asriel hadn’t said lord, that’d be embarrassing.

She understood a bit now what Will meant by embarrassing parents.

"Was that Lyra's dad-" John walked in with a wide smile and held out hand, before faltering just inside the room. It was a welcome distraction, since Lyra’s slow lacing of her shoes had Asriel glaring at her. "Asriel Belacqua... Fancy seeing you here."

"You know each other?" Lyra blinked, gaze darting between the two men. Will and Elaine looked just as shocked as her.

"John used to come on some of my expeditions," Asriel grunted. "When you were about this size."

He held his hand up to his knee. Lyra was pretty sure she'd never been that small.

“Yes, Will wasn’t much taller,” John laughed, stepping forward and clapping Asriel on the shoulder. “It’s been a long time, to think you’re Lyra’s dad! I should’ve known, she’s quite like you.”

“Hm, in all the wrong ways,” Asriel said, the ghost of a smile flickering on the corners of his lips.

“Are you still working in the far North, then? How is your research coming along?”

“Closer to home now, and it’s fine.” Asriel looked away from John, instead back to Lyra. Stelmaria nudged Pan forward. “I’m afraid I don’t have time to catch up, we best be on our way.”

“I won’t keep you,” John smiled, stepping back and resting his arm over Elaine’s shoulders. “You’re welcome anytime Lyra comes over.”

Asriel inclined his head, and Lyra got the impression that he wasn’t going to take John up on that offer. Fine by her. She loved her father but wasn’t too into the idea of him being around her friends. He was much too intimidating. Though Will could probably stand up to that.

Asriel didn’t even wait for Lyra, grabbing her school bag from her and striding out the door.

“Bye,” Lyra awkwardly waved to Will. “Thanks for having me.”

“See you monday,” Will grinned.

She smiled back and quickly scurried out the door. Asriel was waiting at the end of the front garden path, highlighted by the orange streetlight. His silhouette loomed in front of her and she frowned, annoyed at how quickly he’d dragged her out. Would it have killed him to stick around a bit longer? Was this what it was always like having a parent around?

“I could’ve gotten back myself,” she said, glowering up at him.

“No chance,” Asriel snorted, striding away fast enough that Lyra had to jog to keep up. His heavy footsteps thudded in sync to the blood pulsing in her ears. Lyra clenched her fists at her side and resisted just stopping and running away. “Come home on time and I’ll consider it.”

“I wasn’t doing anything wrong!” Lyra grumbled, glaring up at him. Not that he was looking at her at all. “You’re always like this, getting angry for no reason… It’s unfair! You embarrassed me in front of Will and it’s unfair!”

“Then stop being so insolent. I made it very clear when you were to be home when you stayed out all night in protest. Your inability to follow simple rules never fails to astound me!”

“That was years ago.”

“That means you’ve had years to get it into that small head of yours. You’re being purposefully difficult. Do what I tell you to, that is not a request. What if they were dangerous?”

“You wasn’t around to care!” Lyra snapped, volume rising in contrast to Asriel's low but harsh words. It was like this everytime. He got angry at her for things that were really his fault! “I e’nt doing it on purpose! You always think the worse of me… I forgot! I forgot that you was home cause you e’nt been around for so long!”

Asriel halted abruptly, turning on his heel and catching Lyra by the shoulders. She glowered up at him, trembled with emotion that she didn’t know what to do with. Her scowl deepened when he searched over her face as if looking for something. “You’re not lying?”

“I e’nt!”

“We really forgot,” Pan piped up from her shoulder, looking beseechingly at Asriel.

Asriel dropped his hands with a sigh, looking down at Stelmaria. “We can’t fault you for that.”

“We didn’t mean to worry you,” Lyra said softly, hands clasped together in front of her. As the storm across Asriel’s brow dissipated, so did her anger. It was just a misunderstanding, and for once they’d realised that. “I’ll message next time.”

“Ask permission next time,” Asriel countered. He started walking again, matching Lyra’s slower pace. She was glad. It was hard to keep up with his long legged strides and she was tired.

“We’ll always give permission,” Stelmaria rumbled, tilting her head up towards Lyra and Pan. “It’s easier to know in advance.”

“I’ll say earlier then,” Lyra said. Not that she planned to actually ask for permission… if Asriel said no she’d still do whatever she was planning to. If he didn’t want her to have that much freedom he should’ve been around more! It wasn’t like anything bad had happened to her in all these years.

“Good. Let’s get home so I can make sure you’ve completed your homework for tomorrow.”

Lyra groaned, pulling a face that a smile threatened to shove aside. She hated homework with a passion but it was nice to have someone to actually make sure she was getting it all done.

For all the frustration she’d felt, it was also nice to have someone making sure she got home.

Lyra made sure to look in every direction, eagle eyed, on her way towards a cafe in the centre of town.

"You just look more suspicious," Pan complained, sitting as a squirrel. It was a form he normally didn't take and Lyra had insisted on it so they were less recognisable. She'd even pulled on a denim dungaree dress and pulled her hair, which fell just above her shoulders, into pigtails. Her thick down jacket kept the chill at bay even as it nipped at her bare legs, because wearing tights was a step further than she was still to go. Still, it was the perfect disguise, even if she felt uncomfortable.

"We dunno if father's spying on us," Lyra hissed, gaze darting around. "If he catches us we'll be in for it."

"He isn't spying on us," Pan scoffed. "Last time he found out because Roger told Mrs Lonsdale out of concern."

"Can never be too safe."

She could feel Pan resisting shifting into a form where he could more easily chastise her, little body shaking and claws digging into her shoulder. It was hard to ignore the itchy feeling it incited in her but she pushed through, steeling her mind and scurrying down the streets. The cafe was far fancier than she expected, though the french sounding name probably should have given it away. There was no way she was going to fit in here... Now she was glad she'd dressed up a little for more than just disguise purposes.

Thankfully it was easy to find who she was meeting when she entered.

Mrs Coulter looked stunning as when Lyra first met her, dark curls falling perfectly to her shoulders and manicured fingers curled around a delicate blue and white china cup. Her lips were painted a soft pink that went with her sapphire blue, low cut blouse. She looked perfectly poised. Her golden monkey daemon sat on her lap, almost mimicking her position while looking around the cafe. It reached up and tugged her arm.

"Ah, Lyra," Mrs Coulter waved Lyra over, pulling her out of her frozen state. Lyra shuffled to the table, suddenly feeling inadequate. Should she really be in a place like this with someone so dignified? It was like entering a whole new world. "Come, sit. Did you find this place alright?"

"Yeah," Lyra replied, awkwardly pulling out the soft white seat and sitting down. Pan turned into an ermine, finally free of his squirrel form, and crawled down onto her lap. "I e'nt been here but I seen it before."

"I'm glad," Mrs Coulter smiled delicately, eyes soft. She reached over and placed a hand on Lyra's cheek, as if looking her over before gently squeezing it. "It is lovely to see you again. You're looking very well. I have to say I quite missed our conversation when I was back in London, my companions there aren't quite so witty."

"Really?" Lyra giggled, a blush dusting her cheeks at the praise. "E'nt many like me."

"No, there aren't. Now, how have you been, dear? Not skipping school anymore, I hope."

"I don't skip real school," Lyra lied sheepishly, far more obvious than her normal well crafted lies. Mrs Coulter didn't seem to notice, a gentle smile still present on her lips. "Everything's been good! Father made it back for my birthday! He took me out for cake and got me a whole bunch of stuff I wanted. He made notes in a bunch of survival books I'd wanted! Oh, and I've been getting to go round to a friend's more often recently."

"That all sounds lovely." Mrs Coulter's eyes crinkled delicately at the corners, soft and radiant. Lyra found herself blushing under the gaze, far too kind. "And how is Asriel?"

"Well! I think. He got more funding for his work and made a big discovery, he said. He photographed dark matter! He won't show me the pictures though... But he said he's able to start the next step. I dunno what that is, he didn't tell me."

"I imagine he's away on another expedition, then?" Mrs Coulter asked smoothly. "He always chose to work further afield."

“He’s not! Supposedly he’s all done in the North and is doing stuff nearby. I dunno what he’s working on exactly, but he’s not been away so much.”

"You must be delighted to have him around more."

"I am!" Lyra grinned, Pan vibrating with a similar feeling. He'd been much happier since Stelmaria was around more. "I e'nt eating alone anymore and sometimes he even walks me to school. Also he makes sure I go to bed one time and sometimes tells me about his expeditions when he does... And I have someone to help with my homework! Before when I got stuck I couldn't do anything cause I e'nt got anyone around as smart as me. Now father's here to help."

Of course there was so much more than that, the intimate moments spent together in silence late at night and the mocking banter between them at the dinner table. Sometimes she would curl up at his feet reading a book or playing on her phone with Stelmaria beside her, so close they were almost touching. Pan would burrow himself into Stelmaria’s fur and quietly talk to her. It felt like her world had truly expanded, from two to four. But the specifics were too close to her heart to tell, even to someone as lovely as Mrs Coulter.

"My, how he has changed. Before he always seemed to be married to his work."

"Oh," Lyras smile faltered. "He's still busy. I e'nt seen him so much recently. He e’nt home till late evening cause he’s close to something, supposedly. He were always around at first but now he e’nt… I get to spend time with him every few weeks, which is alright I suppose. I wish he didn’t brush me off all the time, saying he’s gotta work and to be quiet and that.”

“That must be difficult.” Mrs Coulter smiled sympathetically, a hint of sadness shining in her eyes. Her gaze was so loving and tender that Lyra felt lost in it. No one had ever looked at her with that much gentleness, even her own father. He probably didn’t have it in him. “It’s important to be properly loved. You deserve that, darling.”

“He does love me, I think.” Lyra was sure he did, cause he hadn’t abandoned her. He took care of her and was nicer to her than anyone else. Stelmaria clearly loved Pan, and she was his soul. Most of the time Lyra didn’t doubt it, really. He was just too stubborn to tell her. “He didn’t even get mad when I broke my phone. He just got me a new one instead.”

“Well that was lovely of him.”

“I know! It’s so much better than the last… I’ve taken so many good photos of Pan! He’s a great model. Want to see them?”

Lyra had never been one for taking photos of things, living in the moment, but she liked taking them of Pan. For one he could be whatever they wanted, and it would be nice to look back on when he settled… Whenever that would be.

“Of course I’d love to,” Mrs Coulter said, holding out her hand. “Do you have an album for them?”

“I e’nt got many other pictures,” Lyra beamed, handing over her phone without a second thought. It was just photos and she didn’t keep anything secret on it. Well maybe the one picture she’d managed to snap of Asriel asleep in their living room was secret, but that was quite a way down. Mrs Coulter wouldn’t get there. “Pan looks especially good as a fox, I think.”

“Yeah, cause you’re sly like one,” Pan whispered to her, not quite loud enough for Mrs Coulter to hear. He wasn’t as comfortable with her as Lyra was, loath to speak so much in her presence. He hadn’t had a single conversation with her daemon ever… Lyra had never seen the monkey talk, in fact. It was strange but not something she dwelled on.

“You’re right, he does.” Mrs Coulter’s eyes crinkled as she scrolled through Lyra’s gallery, expression radiant. “You’re quite the photo taker, Lyra.”

“I e’nt much,” Lyra blushed, twisting a strand of hair around her finger. Eventually Mrs Coulter gave back her phone and Lyra shoved it back in her pocket. She wasn’t used to someone taking so much interest in her, down to the small things she did. Asriel didn’t even consider looking at the photos and she’d had to plop herself right in front of Stelmaria to force herself to. “I enjoy it, is all.”

“Enjoyment is the most important part,” Mrs Coulter laughed lightly. She then leaned forward and pushed a menu towards Lyra, who’d completely forgotten they were here for lunch. "Now, what would you like to eat? Don't hold back, it's my treat. Have anything you want."

Lyra’s eyes lit up. Anything she wanted?

Mrs Coulter really was the best.

“Over here, Lyra!”

Lyra followed Pan’s direction, stretched for a hand hold above her on the climbing wall. She gritted her teeth and hoisted herself up, right leg dangling as she scrambled for somewhere to put it. Twisting around, she pulled her leg up above her hip and straight out against a hold.

“That wasn’t helpful at all,” Lyra hissed at Pan, who clung to the wall above her as a tree frog. It’d be much more useful if he took a bird form but he said that would be cheating. Stelmaria had agreed, pointing out that Pan could settle as something that couldn’t help her at all when climbing. She didn’t see why she shouldn’t make the most of his changing now.

“The next hold is higher, you’ll have to stretch,” Pan croaked, completely ignoring what she said.

She rolled her eyes and pulled herself up to stand on the higher up leg, swinging to grab for the handhold. Her fingers brushed the edge, curling around and scraping off. She let out a yelp as she fell, sliding down just a little bit before the rope holding her jerked her to a stop. The harness dug into her thighs, discomfort radiating through her already aching limb. A frustrated growl escaped her lips.

“Get back on the wall, Lyra!”

Lyra glanced down at Asriel, who was belaying her from the ground. He held the rope steady, as if keeping her suspended was easy. She searched his expression for any sign of displeasure… but it was just neutral, as gruff as normal. Was he trying to be encouraging? It wasn’t helping.

“You can grab the handholds you were on before,” Pan had shifted into a hummingbird, hovering beside her. She tilted her head towards him with a scowl. “What? It wasn’t my fault you fell.”

“It’s never your fault,” Lyra snorted, though there was no bite to her words. She was just frustrated with herself. She stretched back towards the wall, gripping the colourful grips and shoving her right foot down to secure herself on the wall. With a deep breath, she tried to figure out how to get higher. Last time she’d put herself into an unstable position, so she shouldn’t do that. With her free leg she stretched up, firmly pressing into a hold so that she could get an arm free. It was easier like this, finding a new handhold to pull herself up.

Pan climbed with her as she made progress, getting just past where she fell before. A smile flickered on her lips and she glanced down to see if Asriel showed any reaction to her getting past the bit she’d struggled with.

That was a mistake, her vision spinning. Her feet slipped out from beneath her. She tried to cling on with just her hands, burning pain shooting through her arms, but she wasn’t strong enough.

“Argh!” she yelled as she lost her balance and fell, jerking to a halt quickly again. She kicked at the wall. “Stupid wall.”

Lyra just hung there, glaring at the spot she’d just fallen from and her cheeks heating up. Exhaustion crashed over her and getting any higher just felt impossible. She’d only made it up two thirds of the wall and had hoped to get to the top. Asriel would get to the top. But she’d been trying for so long, and everything hurt.

“You gave it a good try,” Asriel commented as he lowered her down, noting that she’d made no effort to continue.

“I climb up walls higher,” Lyra muttered when her feet touched the ground. Pan landed on her shoulder, changing into an ermine and curling around her neck. “I e’nt normally this bad.”

“That wasn’t bad.” Asriel didn’t look at her as he unclipped them both, helping her get out of the harness before removing his own. “It’s different from what you normally climb. You need to take it slower and think before you step. You act like you know the wall. In reality, conditions can change quickly. It’s important to keep a cool head.”

Lyra pouted sullenly, feeling like it was unfair for him to say that. Wasn’t it his fault she couldn’t? It was her pride and stubbornness that made her so annoyed, and she knew that Asriel was the same. Like father, like daughter. She bet he didn’t even follow his own advice. She kept this to herself and Pan, who rubbed his face against her. The last thing she wanted was to anger Asriel when he was in a relatively good mood.

“Don’t take it too hard.” Asriel ruffled her hair, messing up the already shoddy ponytail she’d pulled it into. “You did well.”

“I guess.” Next time she’d do better. She watched Asriel collect all of their gear, trailing after him towards the reception. “Aren’t you going to climb?”

“With you belaying for me?” Asriel raised an eyebrow, amusement rippling through his voice. “Next time.”

“It’s not the same as climbing mountains,” Stelmaria sighed, wistfully looking back towards the climbing wall. It was clear she was far more suited to that. Lyra had seen Stelmaria climb occasionally, bounding up onto the roof to chase after her and Pan when they were much younger, and it seemed to come as naturally to her as breathing. Both her and Pan had aspired to be like that. Asriel was as skilled too, both inspiring awe in Lyra. One day she would be that good but for now her world was limited to scaling the roofs of Jordan College instead of rugged mountains coated in snow.

“It’s safer,” Asriel said, dumping their equipment on the reception desk and stepping away. He looked at Lyra as if he was talking to her rather than Stelmaria. “Less risks.”

Lyra could tell he missed it too, even if his expression barely changed. She wanted to go and see the mountains that they loved to climb so much and the scenery they yearned for. Of course she was glad they were back in Oxford, but she’d always truly wanted to take her with them. There Pan could try all sorts of shapes and she could learn to be a proper explorer. Excitement tingled in her chest at the thought, pushing away all her frustration.

One day she’d go to the Arctic with her father, she just knew it.

Chapter Text

For the first time that she could remember, Lyra woke up excited for Christmas.

Normally Christmas was basically a normal day for her, except everything including the cafeteria was closed. Her and Roger would have breakfast together and exchange small gifts, normally just things they could make or pick up from outside. Lyra still had a dried out leaf Roger had gotten her years ago, carefully kept in a book. It was one of her greatest treasures.

Then she'd have dinner with the master and the librarian, both of whom didn't seem to have families of their own. It was a dull affair that Lyra tried to escape as quickly as possible, eating then making an excuse about tiredness. She'd always end up on the roofs after that. So really, just a normal day.

This year was different because Asriel was here. she wasn't changing anything with Roger, but she wouldn't have to have dinner with two boring old men.

"Me 'n Roger are having breakfast together," she announced to her father, a statement rather than asking for permission as she swanned into the living room. It was just past eight o'clock and Lyra had woken up a bundle of excitement and nerves, unsure what awaited her today. The uncertainty was part of the excitement. "We always do. I e'nt changing that tradition."

"I don't expect you to," Asriel looked up from his newspaper with a raised eyebrow. A steaming mug of coffee was in his other hand, though he didn't seem tired at all. There was no sign of him having had breakfast so Lyra guessed he hadn't been up for long. It was hard to tell with her father. Stelmaria sat at his side rather than in front of the fire like normal, seeming as if she'd been in conversation with Asriel before Lyra walked in. Now she watched Pan and Lyra with amusement. "Are you expecting me to leave?"

"Uh, no. Just don't look too stern or Roger'll be scared away."

"Maybe it's best if we leave, then," Stelmaria commented, looking up at Asriel with a light chuckle. If she could smile Lyra was sure she would at that moment. Asriel glared at her, though there was no bite to it. Lyra had to stifle a laugh behind her hand.

"You're welcome to leave," he said eventually, lightly nudging Stelmaria with his foot. She snorted and pressed her head against his leg. "I'll be nice."

Lyra giggled, cheeks aching from how wild she grinned. Pan shifted into a ferret and bounded around, pink nose sniffing the air. Lyra followed him, looking around suspiciously as if she was conducting some sort of spy mission. Nothing seemed out of place in the living room. Pan pounced on a pillow left in the middle of the floor, quickly finding there was nothing under it. There were no new presents under the small fake Christmas tree either, which only had a few under there. Most were for Lyra and Pan, with one each for Asriel and Stelmaria from the two of them. Having any presents - and a tree! - was amazing enough for her.

She couldn't stop disappointment sinking into her belly.

Of course Lyra knew that Santa wasn't real. She'd heard about him from the other kids but he'd never visited, not even leaving her any coal when she'd been particularly bad. When she'd asked Asriel why Santa never visited her he'd told her the truth - Santa wasn't real, and was just parents wrapping up presents for the children. It was obvious then why she'd never got any because her father was never around to sneak presents into the flat late at night, instead so far away he almost always forgot to even call her.

This year was different and she'd hoped that maybe, just maybe, she'd be able to experience it. Even if she knew it wasn't real.

"Have you checked your room?" Stelmaria purred, amused. Asriel watched them over the top of his newspaper with a raised eyebrow, expression unreadable.

"We didn't check there," Pan's dark eyes lit up, excitement blooming in them both. "Lyra, we didn't even look."

In her glee at spending Christmas with her father, embracing the type of childishness she'd never been able to, she'd rushed right out of bed. She hadn't thought to look in her room. Pan bounded towards the door, changing dorm with each leap, and Lyra sprinted after him. She skidded to a halt in the middle, narrowly avoiding crashing into her desk, and her mouth fell ajar.

Hanging from her bookcase was a midnight blue stocking, with 'Lyra' neatly stitched in the side. Her name wasn't common so she knew Asriel got someone to custom make it... she doubted he did it himself though the thought made them both snigger. She grabbed the stocking off the shelf and ran back through, Pan leaping around her feet.

"Look, look, father! Santa came!"

"Looks like he did," Asriel said with fond tolerance. "A stocking full of coal I suppose?"

"Just one," Lyra grinned, holding up the candy coal that had been at the top of the stocking. "It's absolutely stuffed! Can I open everything."

"What else do you do with presents?"

Lyra skipped over to Asriel and grabbed his arm. He looked up at her with a frown, brow furrowed. She just grinned and tugged at him, forcing him to stand and dragging him away from the table to the roaring fire. He begrudgingly let her, slumping in his chair and Stelmaria stretched out in front of the warm flames. Lyra plopped herself down between them, dumping the shoddily wrapped presents all across the floor.

Yup, definitely Asriel. Lyra was certain he could make them neat if he tried, but he didn't seem to think it worth the effort. She understood since she was just going to rip it right off.

"Obviously all the presents are for me, because I've been good when you haven't," Pan announced, pushing at each present with his nose. He sniffed them as if he would be able to figure out what they were.

"They e'nt!" Lyra cried, grabbing a present from right under his nose. Pan pounced on her, nipping at the present in an attempt to open it first.

"They're for you both," Stelmaria chuckled, watching them with fond amusement.

"You can open this one then, I guess," Pan conceded, scurrying up Lyra's arm and draping himself over her shoulder. She leant her cheek into his soft fur with a smile.

"We can open it together, then," Lyra hummed, twisting around so Pan could reach one end of the present while she had the other. They ripped into it together, Pan's sharp claws and her grubby fingers. Bright blue fabric peeked through, before it dropped onto her lap. "Socks?"

She tried not to look too disappointed as she held them up. Pan sniffed them and gave a light shrug. There wasn't a problem with her current socks, sure she sometimes ran out before doing any washing and had to rewear them but that was fine right? Who cared about that.

"Good socks are important for keeping you well insulated in cold temperatures," Asriel said. Clearly she hadn't hidden her frown fast enough. "You don't want to get frostbite. A very smart gift of... Santa."

"They're pretty," Pan commented, even though neither he nor Lyra cared that much about clothes looking nice. They did have a nice starry pattern on them... And they were from her father, so she shouldn't care so much! Just the image of him shopping for socks for her had her giggling. "Let's open this one next."

Together they tore through all of the gifts in the stocking. They got a mix of things, with plenty of chocolate, an orange (which Lyra pulled a face at and threw to the side), a few aurora decorated notebooks, stationery (also something she tossed aside) and a physics book. Her favourite gift was stuffed at the bottom - an incredibly ugly Christmas jumper in garish reds and blues. There was a matching costume for Pan, a little Santa's hat and a knitted tube with arm holes. She pulled hers right on and forced Pan into his. He looked hilarious, a grumpy ermine in a Christmas outfit.

"Thank you f- Santa!" Lyra grinned, scrambling for her phone to take a picture of them both. She grinned and subtly angled it so that Asriel was in it, expression distinctly lacking in festive cheer. She then spun around and started taking photos with Stelmaria in them too, who was much more amenable.

A knock interrupted her fun and she leapt up, bounding to the door.

"Roger!" She flung it open and pulled him into a tight hug. "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas, Lyra," he smiled up at her. Their daemons pressed their noses together before bouncing into the flat. Roger paused in the door, wringing his hands with his eyes flickering between Lyra and Asriel. "Uh, merry Christmas, Lord Asriel, sir."

"Merry Christmas."

"Don't call him that," Lyra scoffed, grabbing Roger's wrist and dragging him into the room. "He e'nt really a lord! Just call 'im by his name."

She then shot a glare at Asriel, who raised his eyebrows in response. So much for not scaring Roger!

"You sure it's ok for me to be here?" Roger whispered. Lyra nodded fervently, ushering him over to the table.

"Just ignore him! Pretend he e'nt even here."

Roger didn't seem convinced, but he sat down anyway. He constantly shifted on his seat, unable to stay still. Lyra dived into the cupboards, rummaging around before pulling out the treasure she'd stored in there yesterday. Golden, fluffy pancakes that could be heated up in the microwave. She piled them on a plate and then grabbed all the rest from the fridge: a can of whipped cream and a tub of fresh berries. A true feast!

She turned around to Asriel with a frown. She hadn't thought about how he'd be around, and had only bought the normal amount for two. They could split it by three but it wouldn't be quite the same... "Father, are you, uh, wanting breakfast."

"I already ate." Asriel stood as he spoke, stretching out like a lazy predator waking up from a nap. "I have some work to get done, I'll leave you both in peace. Knock on my door when you're done, Lyra."

He headed into his room. Stelmaria followed, nuzzling Pan on her way past, and the door clicked shut behind her. Roger visibly relaxed.

"How's it having your dad around?" Roger asked. "Must be different."

"It's good! He gets mad at me and all it but it e'nt so bad. It's nice coming back home to someone... Yeah, I'm glad he's back."

"I'm happy for you, really. E'nt so sure about staying over anymore..."

"He just looks scary," Lyra grinned, waving her hand as if what she said was actually true. Her father was the most intimidating person she knew, it was maybe why teachers had never scared her. Most weren't like her either - stubborn to a fault and refusing to back down in the face of his anger. He wouldn't say anything to Roger though, she knew that much. "Let's stop talking ‘bout this and get eating! Your feast awaits."

She dramatically gestured to the plate of warm pancakes she'd just placed on the table. After Roger had gotten his she grabbed one for herself, covering it in cream and a few berries (which she'd forced Asriel to buy her, far too expensive for her to get herself). She stuffed her face, with little care for getting cream all over her lips and chin.

"Mmm, so good," she mumbled through food. Roger nodded his agreement, tearing into the food almost as quickly as she was. There wasn't much talk as they ate, as if they'd both been starved for days.

"I'm stuffed," Roger groaned, leaning back in his chair and holding his stomach. Lyra was lying back in the same way as him, feeling full and content. Pan scurried back over to her and climbed up her leg, flopping across her belly. "E'nt anything like Christmas pancakes."

"You're right," Lyra said. "Now that we're fed, it's time for presents!"

"Looks like you already got loads." Roger looked over at the ripped up wrapping paper strewn all across the floor.

"Yeah, Santa came! I e'nt got any from father yet, those're still under the tree. Wait, I put your present there too."

She darted to the Christmas tree, quickly finding the present to Roger - slightly less shoddily wrapped than all the presents Asriel had wrapped, but still quite messy. Roger was scrawled across the front along with a doodled reindeer that looked a bit more like a sausage with legs. Lyra was quite proud of it anyway.

"Here!"

Roger accepted the present with sparkling eyes and a wide grin. He pulled out a small packet from his trouser pocket, wrapped so neatly that Lyra almost regretted that she'd have to tear it apart (almost), and dropped it into her outstretched hands. "It e'nt much, I hope you like it."

"I'm sure I will." Lyra ripped into it, quickly getting through the wrapping paper to the goods inside. A small gasp escaped her lips.

It was a small wooden sculpture of a snow leopard - or at least, some kind of cat. Lyra assumed snow leopard because of the spots carved in. It was roughly made but had an obvious shape, showing clearly the effort put into it. Warmth bloomed in her chest, spreading through her body and darkening her cheeks. It was the perfect gift.

Roger had unwrapped his gift too, beaming as he flipped through the little scrapbook she'd made him. It was filled with silly photos they'd both taken, which she'd gotten printed out when she was getting some for her own room. Roger laughed as he reached a particularly stupid one, a selfie Lyra had taken pulling a face so high on the roof it made Roger look tiny in comparison.

"Thank you, Lyra. I love it."

"Thank you too," Lyra grinned, pulling her best friend into a tight hug.

Roger left not long after, called away to help with his family's Christmas dinner. Asriel emerged from his room and retook his place in the armchair, lounging like a king with Stelmaria regally stretched out at his feet. Lyra watched him with wide eyes before shaking her head to snap out of her stupor, scurrying over to peer over at him.

"What're we doing for dinner? The cafeteria e'nt open... Are we just having sandwiches or something? Isn't that a bit boring? I e'nt gonna just eat sandwiches."

"Could you ask more questions?" Asriel fixed her with a stern look, fingers tapping on the arm of his chair. "Dinner will be cooked by me and Thorold. He should be here soon. I presume you have no problem with him joining us?"

"I don't!" Thorold was the closest to an uncle Lyra had, seeing as Asriel's family was all dead long before she was born. He was kind to her in the short moments she spent around him, giving her little gifts and hugs. She couldn't remember when she'd last seen him... Not since before Asriel went away last, maybe. It had been so long. But wait- "you know how to cook?!"

"A bit." A corner of Asriel's lip tugged up. "Enough to help I'd say."

Lyra was surprised. Sure, Asriel had spent loads of time out in the wilds or in situations where he couldn't get catered for, but she'd never imagined he could actually cook. He'd never bothered before! All those homemade meals she could've had...

"Why don't you open your presents before Thorold arrives," Stelmaria suggested, before Lyra could start questioning Asriel on why exactly he'd never cooked for them before.

"Can I?" Lyras eyes went big and shiny, almost begging Asriel when she looked at him.

"Go ahead. Bring them over here and you can open them."

"They just can't be bothered to carry them over," Pan muttered, as if they both weren't gleefully bounding over to the Christmas tree. Lyra scooped up most of the presents in her arms, stumbling back as she attempted to not drop any. Pan followed with the remaining few presents in his mouth. They dumped them all on the floor, Lyra sitting at her father's feet and Pan leaping excitedly over Stelmaria before scurrying back over to Lyra.

"Which one first?" Lyra asked, looking between Stelmaria and Asriel in case they had a specific order they wanted the presents opened in.

"Any," Stelmaria chuckled, nudging Pan with her nose.

Pan pounced on a square present, pushing it towards Lyra. She tore into it, finding a pair of black trainers that were far nicer than our current ones (and not destroyed within an inch of their life). It was such a practical gift, as she'd expected of him, but also showed how much he'd been paying attention.

Together Lyra and Pan got through the other presents, saving the largest till last. There was a new winter jacket, more new clothes (thankfully nothing girly), and a few board games that she mentioned playing at school to him. Now she could actually have Roger and Will around rather than always going to Will's!

Tearing away the wrapping paper of the largest present, Pan dealing the final blow, revealed a box proclaiming to be a 'small telescope'. Lyra gaped at it. She'd never done much stargazing but she knew a lot about them thanks to Asriel, and some of her fondest memories were looking through Asriel's telescope with him. It was an interest she'd forgotten when she couldn't actually do it anymore. This meant that Asriel remembered those times, and it filled her with a childish joy just like she'd felt back then. It was as if her chest was about to burst with happiness and belonging. She felt truly wanted and cared for, even if Asriel rarely verbalised it. He did care for her.

"Thank you, father!" Lyra flung himself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck tight enough that he couldn't easily throw her off. His coarse beard rubbed against her cheek and his earthy cold smell that never quite went away filling her senses. Asriel's warm hand came to rest on her back, his tense fingers gradually relaxing. The discomfort across his brow, visible to Lyra from where she pressed her face against his neck, disappeared after he got over the shock of her hugging him. She pulled back, hanging off his neck and grinning. "Can we use it tonight?"

"If there's time," Asriel grunted, gruff tone covering up the softness in his dark eyes. "Get off me, Thorold will be here soon."

Lyra complied without argument for once, pushing herself away from him. Pan ran over to her from where he'd been snuggling Stelmaria, flowing up into her arms. She hugged him close to her, feeling like she was floating. Her happiness infected Pan, both shared and individual.

But there was still one more thing to do when it was just the four of them. She couldn't get too caught up in the moment!

"Oh, wait here!"

Asriel's amused gaze burnt into her back, as if telling her 'where would I go?' without choosing to vocalise it. Lyra ignored him and grabbed one of the remaining presents from under the tree. Pan shifted into a wolf, larger and with stronger jaws, to pick up the last one.

"This is for you," she said almost bashfully. Shyness normally wasn't a word in her vocabulary, and she'd scoff if anyone suggested she'd be shy, but she couldn't stop it creeping into her as she held out her present for Asriel. She wasn't used to giving him things. "It e'nt much."

"You didn't steal it did you?" Asriel's lips twisted into a sardonic smile that had Lyra almost snatching the gift right out of his hands. He didn't give her the chance anyway, opening the small square parcel quickly. He pulled the gift out and inspected it.

It was a photo book Lyra had put a lot of effort into. Unlike the scrapbook for Roger she'd bought a proper one from a print shop, with the picture she and Asriel had taken on the front. She'd filled it with as many pictures of them as she had, both the few proper ones and those she'd snuck through the years (or mostly last half year). The rest was just pictures of her, of Pan, of them both, of just Stelmaria, and the selfies she took with Pan and Stelmaria because Stelmaria didn't confiscate her phone like Asriel did when she tried. She was proud of it.

Asriel's expression was imperceptible as he flicked through it, pausing at a few pages. A smile flickered across his lips, his fingers resting in the pictures on a few of the pages before finally coming to the end. "Thank you, Lyra."

Lyra grinned under his gaze, as warm as he could muster. She was glad she'd gone through with getting him this present, rather than any of her more silly ideas.

"Open yours now!" Pan nipped at Stelmaria's paws, rolling away when she went to bat him. With a chuckle she carefully ran a claw along the front of the parcel, pushing away the paper.

It was a mountain photography book, filled with stunning snow coated mountains. Pan pushed it open to reveal the pictures they'd slipped inside, of just him, him and Lyra, and him and Stelmaria. They both knew how much she missed being further north in a place much more suited to her. They didn't want Stelmaria and Asriel to get sick of staying here and leave again, so together they'd gotten Stelmaria this book to help her when she missed it too much. It was quite the well chosen gift, if Lyra said so herself.

"How thoughtful," Stelmaria purred, pulling Pan in against her neck and licking his forehead. He purred in delight, pressing into her. "Thank you."

"You're both welcome," Lyra said with shining eyes.

She'd already had the best day, and it had barely begun.

It wasn't long until Thorold arrived, hugging Lyra and giving her small gifts of chocolate and books. Lyra gleefully watched as Asriel and Thorold cooked their meal, stifling laughs curled up by the fire when Asriel was banished to only chopping, and hiding away from Stelmaria's amused glares. The meal itself was delicious - but anything would have tasted nice in this company, she thought. The further into the wine bottle her father got the more he relaxed and talked, even if his gruff exterior only softened a little. He even put her to bed, tucking her in and lightly kissing her forehead. She giggled at the ticklish feeling of his beard against her skin, snuggling under the covers.

This had been the best Christmas ever. She was so glad to have her father home.

After Christmas they settled back into a routine of evenings spent together, mostly in silence on Asriel's part and a lot of talking on Lyra and Pan's part. She was glad to be spending more time with him again, something she hoped lasted past the holidays when she went back to school and his work became more urgent.

The intimate moments gave Lyra a new boldness when it came to Asriel, the few things she still couldn't say feeling possible now. Even in the chill of January, curled up by the fire pretending to do her winter homework, Lyra felt filled with a constant warmth. Asriel read behind her, occasionally murmuring to Stelmaria. Lyra felt content, if restless.

She glanced over at Asriel nervously, fingers tapping on the paper in front of her. It shouldn't be so hard to say something like this... It was just a word! He wouldn't get angry at her for it, surely?

"D-dad?"

"Mm," Asriel didn't look up from his papers, but Stelmaria looking over indicated that he was listening. He didn't chastise her for calling him that... Maybe Will had been right, it had been so long ago he told her not to.

"When did Stelmaria settle?"

Asriel paused, looking over his papers at her with discerning eyes. She met his gaze fiercely. It had taken a lot for her to ask and she wasn't backing down. "Let me think... When was it? It was a long time ago."

"We were fourteen," Stelmaria rumbled, head tilted towards him. "I struggled to change for months before it."

"That's right. It was when I pushed my way into physics research programs.”

Lyra didn't believe that Asriel hadn’t remembered, he was far too intelligent for that. She didn't think too hard about it because she'd gotten an answer. "We're turning fourteen this year... Does that mean Pan'll settle soon?"

"Maybe. Some people settle as early as thirteen, some as late as sixteen. You'll know when it's happening."

Lyra selfishly hoped that she would be sixteen when Pan settled. She liked how things were now and she didn't want the change that came with it. Being late didn't bother her at all in this case. Pan felt the same... And they shared a lot of worries.

"What if Pan takes a form I don't like?"

"Does that really matter?" Asriel's eyes softened minutely. Stelmaria padded over to him, stretching up to put her paws on his knees. They leaned towards each other until their foreheads practically touched, gazing into each other's eyes with a tenderness that Lyra never expected to witness. The love between them was palatable, so strong, that she knew it was an unbreakable bond. "He'll still be Pan no matter the form. I would love Stelmaria even if she were a toad, for she's a part of me as Pan is a part of you. To truly dislike his form would be to be discontent with yourself, Lyra. Would you truly care about what he settles as?"

Lyra tilted her head towards Pan, who looked up at her with gentle black eyes. They felt everything the other felt, and she didn't see the animal he currently was, just him. No she wouldn't care. Of course she wouldn't, just like Pan wouldn't care when her appearance changed as she aged. Pan was her best friend, her closest friend, the one who's been with her from the moment she was born. She loved him more than anything else, and he loved her the same. Everything else was unimportant.

But it didn't change the fact that they were both scared. It was a big change, a step into adulthood that neither were ready for. Pan didn't want to stop changing. Lyra didn't want him to either.

"We're just scared. I don't care what he is. But I e'nt ready to change... I like how things are now. What if we end up not liking each other cause of it?"

"That won't happen," Stelmaria said, turning her head away from Asriel. "You're too close."

"I don't want to settle." Pan cuddled up to Lyra with a whine. She ran her fingers through his silky fur. "I like changing. It's easier to follow Lyra that way... I'll be less useful as just one animal. I don't want that."

"Oh, Pan, I don't care about that!" Lyra scooped him up and held him against her chest. "You don't need to be useful. You can be anything, I don't care!"

"You'll both be just fine." Asriel leaned over and ruffled her hair. "The Lyra I know is far too stubborn to let this affect her."

"It's your fault I am," Lyra retorted even as she giggled. He was right, she'd never let her worries affect her so much before. There was no point in worrying about something she couldn't fix. She knew who she was and nothing was going to change that.

Still, she was glad she'd talked to Asriel. She and Pan felt better for it.

"Why we sitting outside? It's so cold." Roger's voice came out muffled around the bread he'd stuffed in his mouth, looking ridiculously bundled up in a puffy jacket sizes too big for him.

"It e'nt," Lyra snorted, having not even bothered putting her coat on top of her school uniform. Sure her hands didn't have much feeling and her ears hurt but it was a matter of principle. If she couldn't survive February in Oxford, how was she supposed to survive a tougher winter in Svalbard? "You're just weak."

"It is rather chilly, Lyra," Will reasoned. Kirjava lay across his lap as a (fluffy animal), and she looked so warm and inviting. But of course Pan was refusing to do the same, sitting at her heels as a fox, because according to him if she didn't wear her jacket she didn't need his warmth either.

"Where else would we eat? There e'nt room in the dining hall and you e'nt allowed in the other cafeteria with your packed lunch."

"Could've snuck him in," Roger suggested, wrapping his arms around himself and shivering. Salicilia hopped up onto him, shifting into a big furry dog and laying her while body across him. Roger hugged her against him. "E'nt hard for you surely."

"It e'nt that easy. I can sneak myself in place but not others... This is fine, e'nt it?"

"Bearable is the best way to describe it," Will laughed.

"Yeah, if you're generous," Roger snorted, shivering. "Lyra just likes making us suffer."

"You might be right there."

Lyra rolled her eyes at them even as she smiled.

She was happy about how easily they got along after their first meeting. There was nothing quite as satisfactory as bringing her two closest friends together. Neither had very many other friends either - Roger had a few among the other servants' kids at the college, but Lyra hadn't seen Will hang out with anyone else. He'd been solitary from the start. Part of her was secretly glad, as horrible as it was, because it meant she could keep him all to herself.

"Oh," Will interrupted her thoughts, looking between her and Roger. "I meant to ask, have you chosen your subjects yet? There's only two weeks left, and I still have a few to decide on."

"Are you wanting to share classes with us?" Lyra grinned, leaning closer and nudging Will's shoulder with her own. "Aw, I'm honoured."

"Or he wants to avoid you," Roger taunted with a wide grin. "I know I would."

"Oy, you'd love to be in my class." Lyra turned her attention to Roger, aiming her elbow at his side. He caught it before she could jam into the vulnerable flesh there and she let out a huff.

"This wasn't meant to start a fight," Will waved his hands at them both, eyes twinkling with amusement. "It's a simple question, really. I should've known you'd make it something more, Lyra. We'll probably share a fair few classes either way."

He was probably right there... Lyra wasn't exactly sure what Will was planning to take, but she was fairly certain he'd at least take physics, chemistry and maths with her. Well, maths was compulsory, but she could hope they'd be in the same class. If she was even in a class with people in her year at all.

"I'm taking all the sciences, even though I don't really like biology it's supposedly useful if I wanna keep doing the other two... and maths of course. English cause we have to and dad won't let me get out of it." Lyra screwed up her face in concentration, trying to remember what else she'd decided on. "Oh, engineering and electronics. French cause y’know I'm already fluent." Sort of. "I'm also going to take Spanish cause it seems useful to learn. Then economics cause we have to take a humanities and it seems the least bad... Pan's more interested in it than me."

"I am," Pan piped up cheerfully. "I'll be studying that harder than Lyra I think."

"Dad said I should take another but I dunno if there's any I'm interested in."

Will nodded thoughtfully before looking at Roger.

"I e'nt as smart as you lot," Roger said, wringing his hands together. "I'm just gonna take biology cause I understand it best. Maths and English of course. Food technology, music and French... I'm not sure what humanity to take, I'm thinking history. I haven't decided on my other three subjects either... I e'nt as decisive as Lyra."

"Nor am I," Will smiled, warm eyes flickering to Lyra. Her cheeks heated up under his gaze, both teasing and friendly, and she rolled her eyes at her friends to shove away the strange feelings flickering in her chest. "I've only decided on six. All sciences, maths, English, and Spanish. I'm considering psychology and economics... But history would also be useful, and my mum suggested I take an arts to be well rounded. It's a difficult decision."

"What's an arts gotta do with being well rounded?" Lyra tilted her head. "I can draw and all, why'd I need to take it at school?"

"According to mum, focusing solely on science is detrimental. You end up with out of touch scientists and creativity fuels ideas."

Well, she had plenty of creativity there just wasn't the subject to let her do it. If there was a creative writing GCSE then she'd take it. She wondered if her dad had taken any arts.. nah, there was no way. He was probably one of those out of touch scientists Marisa was talking about.

"I want to be a doctor," Will continued with a gentle smile, looking away and across the school fields. "So it's important for me to understand people from all walks of life, I think."

Maybe Will should be the writer. He certainly had a way with words, entirely different to hers - it was truthful, yet just as captivating as her lies.

"Y'know, you really don't act like you're the same age as us."

"Yeah, sometimes I think you're an adult," Roger shook his head, bewildered. "I can't understand a thing."

"It's nothing," Will rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "I just think a lot, that's all."

Roger cast a sly glance at Lyra. "I'm glad at least one of us does."

Lyra rolled her eyes and pounced on Roger, laughter echoing around them as she wrestled him off the bench. Joy swelled inside of her and for all her mock rage she couldn't hold back a wide grin, bright and genuine.

How nice it was to have such close friends.

"Afterwards he... Asriel... Out of- mind."

Lyra froze in the middle of running along the roofs, skidding to a halt and listening closely. She turned her head slowly to look at Pan, making sure she'd heard right. He looked up at her, curiosity burning in his dark eyes as it did hers. For once their feelings and thoughts were in agreement.

"They're talking 'bout father," Lyra whispered. "We have to listen!"

She crouched down, carefully making her way to the edge of the roof. She leaned over it, head tilted so her ear was in the direction of whoever was talking. Pan hung off the gutter to be her eyes, quickly whispering in her mind that it was two physics professors whose names he couldn't quite remember. Lyra shimmied forward to hear as best she could.

"There's no way he'll succeed. Harnessing the power of dust is just a fool's dream. It's pathetic to see a man of science fall for such nonsense!"

"Sh, you'll be overheard."

"By whom, Asriel himself? He has no power. He's only given funding to ensure he stays away. I'm sure he'll leave soon enough. It's clear that he doesn't belong here, for all Doctor Carne pretends otherwise. Who in Jordan likes him?"

"Nobody likes him and you're right, he's mad. But he's dangerous too."

"Ah, yes. He is a murderer."

"He was never found guilty for that."

"That doesn't mean he's innocent."

Lyra looked at Pan, mouth ajar. Her father, a murderer? No way. She'd never heard such horrible lies!

Don't!

Pans screech in her mind stopped Lyra from jumping over the edge and confronting them both, just. Her whole body trembled with anger. How dare they. She gritted her teeth and continued to listen.

"I heard that he's leaving soon, anyway. We'll be safe then."

"Back north?"

"I think so. Next week was what I was told... Can't come soon enough if you ask me. Then we won't have to worry again."

The words quietened, those speaking walking away, and Lyra stopped paying attention. She felt a different kind of rage curling in her belly, changing its target from them to Asriel himself. He was going back to the Arctic? But he hadn't told her. He'd promised he would be staying! No, she wouldn't allow it.

Pan couldn't stop her this time, even as he tried to keep a cool head and convince her to talk to Asriel later. She stomped across the roofs with little care for safety, leaping off onto the courtyard and bolting up to their flat. She knew Asriel was working there today, he'd waved her goodbye half heartedly when she headed out to play that morning. She had to confront him right now.

"You're leaving again! You said you wouldn't, but you are, you're going back north and never coming back! How could you! You promised! You're terrible, I'll never believe you again!"

Lyra stormed into the flat and towards Asriel, fists raining down onto his chest. The first hit solid muscle, catching Asriel entirely by surprise, and he quickly caught her wrists before she could punch him again. She trembled and bared her teeth at him, trying to wrench herself free from his grip.

"Lyra, what is the meaning of this?" Asriel's savage glare was almost enough to quench her rage, his face darkening in anger. His words were dangerously low, a harsh whisper different from his normally booming voice. It was somehow more scary than when he shouted. Stelmaria growled, prowling towards Lyra with taut muscles and an arched back. Pan didn't cower, jumping off Lyra's shoulder and shifting into a hissing wild cat. "What nonsense are you yelling?"

"It's not nonsense! Some people was saying you're going away next week and you won't be coming back... But you can't! You promised you wouldn't! You're just a liar! You told other people but not me cause you knew it were wrong!"

"I see." Asriel's lips curled back, eyes flashing dangerously. "I thought you knew better than to trust the words of strangers, Lyra Belacqua. Yes, I'm going back to the Arctic to finish up some work, but only for a week. You're being absolutely ridiculous. I made it clear that I would continue to go on shorter trips, but you forgot that so quickly that you took others' words over your own father's. I shouldn't be surprised."

As quickly as it had come the anger drained out of Lyra. It had been a misunderstanding. Lyra stared stubbornly at the floor, lower lip jutted out. She refused to apologise. It was his fault for not telling her soon enough, anyway.

"Don't do this again." Asriel's face was severe, anger still simmering under its surface, not disappearing as quickly as Lyra's had. It was a face that left no room of argument. She nodded sullenly and he released her wrists, waving dismissively at her. "I won’t make you apologise, because I don't have the time. But you're almost fourteen now, stop acting like a childish brat."

Lyra didn't think she'd been childish at all. Of course she'd been upset when she thought he was leaving again, how could she not be? He'd always left without warning before. Not that her anger was gone, hot and short lived, she felt horribly vulnerable. Pan scurried back up her leg, clinging to her front and pressing a furry face into her neck. He felt it too.

"You're really only leaving for a week? You promise?"

"Yes," Asriel heaved out a sigh. "Unless there's an event outside of my control, I'll be back in a week."

Lyra couldn't see anything being outside of Asriel's control. Wasn't he too powerful for anything else to affect him? Nothing could stop him when he wanted something.

"There's no real work to be done," Stelmaria commented, stretching out before lying back down at Asriel's feet. "Only packing up what we left behind, and Asriel hates packing."

Asriel grunted. Lyra stifled a giggle at that, knowing that his annoyance towards her hadn't quite subsided and just a little bit scared he'd get angry again (not that she'd admit it).

"We'll be back before you know it," Stelmaria continued, leaning her head to almost press it against Lyra's leg. Lyra could feel the warmth radiating from her, coiling inside of her and calming down the worries she'd deny to anyone that she had. She didn't want Asriel and Stelmaria to go away at all... But a week wasn't so bad at all, she and Pan agreed. "Just one week. If you're good while we're away maybe Asriel will treat you to something nice when you're back."

Asriel offered no agreement to that, but he didn't disagree either. Lyra smiled, looking at Pan.

Yeah, they could survive a week.

"When do you get home tomorrow?" Lyra didn't even bother with a greeting when she picked up Asriel's call, crouched over her phone placed on her bed in speaker mode. "Will we have dinner together? Can I take the day off school?"

"We'll study extra hard if we do," Pan promised, small body shaking with excitement at the thought of seeing Stelmaria again. He pressed his twitching, pink ear close to the phone to try and hear her in the background, long rat tail flicking back and forth behind him. "I'll make sure of it."

There was a pause on the other end, leaving Lyra and Pan in tense anticipation.

"Lyra..." Asriel trailed off, clearing his throat. How unusual. "I won't be back tomorrow."

"What, why?"

"There's more to do, and a snowstorm due in the next few days. I can't abandon my work. If I leave tomorrow I'll have to come back."

"How long will it take?"

"A month, perhaps. The storm is predicted to be a bad one."

A month? A month.

The word was like a knife twisted into her heart. All the old hurts, pushed aside in the joy of having him present, came rushing back. The bandage was ripped off, deep running wounds bleeding again as if they'd never been treated. Anger consumed her, a white hot rage worse than any she'd felt before. It was so painful.

"You said it'd only be a week," Lyra's voice trembled in time with Pan shifting, constant and agitated. "You promised."

"It's out of my control."

"Not it e'nt! You can leave right now and get home! But you don't want to cause your work's more important than me!"

"It's my work that pays for the roof over your head and the clothes keeping you warm," Asriel snapped. There was a soft growl in the background, and an inaudible whisper from Stelmaria. "I did not plan to stay any longer. This is truly out of my control, loath as I am to admit it. I will be back as soon as possible, so calm down."

"I won't!" Lyra hissed, echoed by Pan beside her. She didn't care that it was out of his control, because in her mind it wasn't. He said a week, he should leave after a week! There were too many broken promises between them for her to truly believe him. Once she'd given up on ever getting the truth from him, but then he'd given her hope that he'd be an actual father to her - like in the stories she read and the complaints from her schoolmates. Now he was cruelly ripping it away without seeming to care.

"Lyra-"

"You said you'd try be better!" Lyra interrupted him. Her whole body trembled with anger, hands clenched into fists on her bed. Pan's claws dug into the sheets, ripping holes into them, and he bared his teeth at the phone. "That you'd be here! But you e'nt! You're hardly a father! You gave up after a year and abandoned me again! How could you? I e'nt ever gonna believe you again! You're bloody horrible!"

"Lyra, don't speak to me like that." There was a sharp warning in his harsh voice that she ignored, his words taut with thundering anger, and he practically shouted down the phone. "I have tried my hardest to be a father to you, even when you make it so very difficult. I gave up everything for you! Sometimes we have to make sacrifices. My work is not to benefit myself... You must understand that it's for you."

"I don't believe you... How am I supposed to understand when no one tells me anything? I e'nt stupid! You're always so vague, telling me about dark matter and what people think it is but not what you're really doing. Why are you photographing it? Why is it so important? Why should I care? All I want is a father!"

She just didn't understand. To her it was just interesting, but nothing he'd told her made it sound important. So what if people thought it was sin? To her that was just a stupid concept she was forced to hear about in RE classes. She knew he'd discovered something big last year when he'd returned but he'd refused to tell her anything about it. She gritted her teeth and her blood boiled. How could he expect her to understand when he never really explained anything beyond the surface level? Why should she put her feelings aside, the pain she felt, for something she knew nothing about?

"That's not for you to know. It's important, that's all you need to know. There are things out there far more important than you! It's only a bloody month, Lyra, stop being such a selfish brat!"

"That doesn't matter! You e’nt even trying to listen to me! You're the worst! I wish I didn't have a father at all, it'd be better than you!"

Lyra hung up the phone before Asriel could shout at her more, and ignored it when he tried to call again. She wiped away the tears welling up in her eyes and bit her lip. Pan whined softly, pressing up against her.

"It'll be alright," he murmured, attempting to comfort her as if her deep sorrow wasn't shared by him. He missed Stelmaria just as much as she missed Asriel, and was just as upset over Asriel's sharp words. "We'll be fine."

"We will," Lyra sniffed, burying her face into Pan's fur and letting it soak up the tears that she couldn't hold back. "We have each other."

They would be, because they were used to being alone. It was her fault for getting hopeful, anyway. She shouldn't have believed him when he said he was home for good.

Three days after their talk Lyra was still upset with Asriel. She was ignoring all of his calls since, which came in multiple times a day, and was tempted to just outright block his number. It was Pan that stopped her, because he knew they'd both regret it. His texts demanding she return his calls went ignored too.

Covering the hurt was a raging anger. It felt like it consumed her, the feeling even worse after he'd stayed for so long. She'd gotten used to having a father and suddenly he was gone again, and she remembered all the time she'd spent alone. It was so much worse when she'd experienced a different way of living and she struggled to believe it would only be a month (which seemed far too long now). Rage festered inside of her and she didn't feel like herself, almost snapping at both Roger and Will a few days ago. Since then she'd kept to herself and skipped school every day, climbing the roofs of the college and then going further afield when that bored her. She climbed the trees of the botanics and the roofs of other colleges she managed to sneak into. It was a distraction, but not enough.

"I'm going to run away," she muttered, sitting on the tallest tower of Magdalen college with her legs dangling over the edge. Pan perched beside her as a red kite, feathers nervously ruffled. He didn't like being up this high... Well, her being up this high. Falling wasn't a problem for him. "Leave father behind and live elsewhere. He'll understand then I bet."

"Where will we go?"

"Dunno. I'll figure it out. Maybe Will's... No, I couldn't do that to him. We could live in the botanics. Find a tree to shelter under and a bench to sleep on."

"It'll get cold."

"Not in spring," Lyra shrugged.

"I don't like the sound of it."

"Well, we'll figure something else out."

Lyra hopped up, stretching out her sore limbs. She should go sit somewhere else. Pan's nerves were beginning to affect her and she didn't want to climb down when it started getting busier. Right now was the perfect time, with very few people meandering about. She made her way to the other side, where there were more rocks sticking out of place, and recklessly started to scale down. She didn't take it slow even as Pan cheeped annoyingly in her ear, flapping right beside her as if she was at risk of falling the whole time. She wasn't. She'd climbed this far too many times the past few weeks.

"Where are we going now?" Pan asked, landing on her shoulder. She dusted over her jeans and shrugged.

"To pack I guess, then figure stuff out."

"I'm not sure about running away, Lyra. How will we eat?"

"We'll get a job of course."

Like a thirteen year old could get a job that easily, especially one like Lyra.

They made their way back to Jordan, meandering along the streets and avoiding the roads towards the main entrance. They came to the less used side entrance and scaled the wall, giving direct access to the roofs - the easiest way to get in and out unseen. She hesitated there. Maybe she'd just stay here a little while. Lyra sat down, swinging her legs over the side of the wall with a sigh. She wasn't sure what she was waiting for.

Maybe she hoped Asriel would just walk into the college like he'd never left again.

It was nice to sit here too. It wasn't like she was in a rush or anything. Pan shifted into a wildcat and stretched himself over her legs, furry face pressing into her hands. She absentmindedly stroked him. She should be used to this by now, but instead she'd gotten used to having Asriel around. He'd promised he was here to stay. This shouldn't upset her so much... It was only a month, just a few more weeks. They'd survived years alone, just her and Pan.

But what if a month turned into two, and then a year? Or longer?

Her stomach clenched. Now that he'd gone back Asriel would remember how he preferred being up there and abandon her again. It was a fear both her and Pan shared, knowing Asriel and Stelmaria didn't really belong here. It hurt to think about. There was a deep ache in their chests without them there. They missed them.

"Now that is a sight for sore eyes."

"Mrs Coulter!" Lyra jumped off the wall, wiping away the tears that had threatened to burst forth. She hated crying alone, and she would absolutely not do it in front of someone else.

She hadn't expected to see Mrs Coulter. They'd texted just a few days ago, before the call with her father, a casual conversation mostly about school. Lyra had mentioned that Asriel was away but Mrs Coulter hadn't said that she'd be in oxford. It was a pleasant surprise.

"What're you doing here?"

"Sorting out some personal business, so I'm just here for the day," Mrs Coulter smiled delicately, lighting up her beautiful and kindly face. "I was hoping to see you."

"Oh- uh, I'm glad to see you too," Lyra said with a forced smile. For once she couldn't figure out what to say, her mind buzzing with too much emotion to properly form sentences. She just needed to think of a lie, any lie, to start off a conversation. Then she would be swept away by the tale she was fabricating. But her mind was blank, yet too full at the same time.

"What's wrong, Lyra dear?"

Lyra's head jerked up, meeting gently enquiring eyes. Faced with such softly spoken words and such a caring face, she wanted to tell her everything. And why not? Mrs Coulter had paid enough attention to realise Lyra wasn't feeling alright! She was always so nice to her, she actually cared and listened. Her father had shown he didn't... So why should Lyra listen to his previous warning?

Maybe, she hoped somewhere deep down, Mrs Coulter would comfort her. Maybe she'd get a hug. She blushed at the thought.

"Lyra? Is it something too difficult to tell me?"

"No, I just..." It was hard for her to be honest. She'd just tell Mrs Coulter a bit, she didn't need to get into all her feelings about it. Only Pan knew about those... And Will, sometimes, because he had a way of drawing out how she really felt. "It's my father. He was only supposed to be gone for a week but now it's gonna be a month and I think he just won't come back at all. His work is more important than me... So I'm all alone again."

"Oh darling, that is awful." Mrs Coulter closed the gap between them, leaning down so she was at eye level with Lyra. She looked so genuinely concerned about her, so caring, that Lyra's chest felt tight and stuffy in a way she didn't really understand. "A parent should never abandon their child. I'd never expect this from Asriel, he always spoke so fondly of you. You should be his priority."

Lyra couldn't imagine Asriel speaking fondly about anyone, especially her. Scathingly, sure, but fondly? It was hard to believe even from someone as lovely and honest as Mrs Coulter. "I e'nt. I never been. I might as well not have a father at all.. he has abandoned me, and now me 'n Pan are all alone again. It sucks and I hate him. I don't want to be alone."

"Why don't you come stay with me, then?" Mrs Coulter smiled kindly, reaching forward to caress Lyra's cheek. "I have plenty of space in my home in London, and work that I'm sure you'd love to help with. You can stay for as long as you'd like. I get awfully lonely living by myself."

"I'd like that." Excitement sparking in Lyra's chest and further complaints disappearing from her mind. She'd never been to London but it sounded so grand, and looked so big in all the pictures she'd seen of it. The thought of going with Mrs Coulter was enough to shove away the turbulent emotions that she'd been unable to escape for days. She didn't feel quite so unwanted. "I'd like that very much."

"Perfect," Mrs Coulter's eyes creased with delight. "I'm leaving tonight on the seven o'clock train. Why don't you go and pack your things, then meet me at the station? Of course, we can talk more if you want to, but there will be plenty of time for that on the train. I'll listen to your problems the whole journey."

Lyra nodded fervently. She didn't need to talk about it anymore. She had always been quick to accept new things, recklessly throwing herself into new situations and pushing away the old. She was going to live with Mrs Coulter now, so she didn't need to think about Asriel leaving her all alone in Oxford. She buried that hurt deep down where it would stay, festering, until she finally talked to him again.

"I'll go pack. I e'nt got a lot, so I won't be long."

"Then I'll see you at the train station soon."

With a comforting hand at the small of Lyra's back, Mrs Coulter gently pushed her towards the Jordan College entrance. Lyra grinned and scurried off, Pan swooping after her as a swallow. She ran the whole way to the flat, exhilaration running through her veins and feeling more like herself than she had all week. Pan was silent the whole way back, into the flat and then her room, but that wasn't too unusual. He tended to be quieter than her because he thought through things more.

"We should think about this, Lyra," Pan said as Lyra rummaged through her drawers, watching her from his perch on the back of her chair. Worry radiated off him, needling its way into Lyra only to be thrown away. "You're being impulsive."

"I'm not! She's been so nice to us, Pan, much nicer than my father ever has been. He doesn't care about us... She seems to! And it's just for a bit. There's nothing to worry about."

"Didn't seem like that to me... I think she wants us to live with her permanently."

"You're just overthinking things. This'll be good for us, I think. I really like her Pan.. But if you don't want to, I won't. You're more important than anyone else to me."

"No, let's go." Pan rubbed his face against her cheek before hopping onto the bed, helping her find what she needed to pack. She chucked stuff onto her bed and he sorted through it, deciding what to take and what to leave. He pushed items into a neat little pile with his paws. "I know how much you like her... But we should tell people we're leaving. Asriel as well."

"Alright." She pulled out her phone and texted Asriel.

'I'm running away to stay with Mrs Coulter.'

She waited a little bit, and got no response. Asriel had probably given up on her at this point. He hadn't phoned her today at all, unlike the past few days, so maybe he didn't think it was even worth shouting at her over. She tried to ignore the way that thought stung.

She texted Will next.

Lyra: I'm going away for a few weeks

He replied almost instantly, even though he was at school.

Will: With your dad? Isn't he away?

Lyra: no, a friend of his.

Will: does he know?

Lyra paused. She didn't want to lie to Will, but she also knew if she said no he'd get worried and tell her it was a bad idea. If he knew that she was actually running away he'd probably suggest she came to his house, because Will was just nice like that. But Lyra didn't want to be a burden.

Lyra: yeah, I texted him

It technically wasn't a lie, because she had. Asriel just hadn't responded yet. He wouldn't care anyway.

Will: ok, stay safe

Will: keep me updated

Lyra replied with a thumbs up and moved onto the next, and last, person she had to inform - Roger. Roger was easy, a quick text saying she was going to London with a friend of Asriel's. He wasn't too concerned, just asking her to send loads of photos and bring back souvenirs (which was ridiculous she wasn't going to a different country).

Now all that was left to do was actually packing.

"Lyra, the time!"

"Oh shit!" It was already six thirty, the screen on her phone lit up with blaring letters that told her just how late she was running. The train station was over half an hour away on foot... The buses around here were never on time and she didn't have the money for a taxi. She'd have to run. "We need to go."

"I told you that half an hour ago," Pan nagged, shoving in the last item of clothing just before Lyra slammed her suitcase closed. "You didn't listen."

It wasn't her fault that she hadn't listened because she was still packing. She would've been more on time if she had her own suitcase. Instead she'd had to pick the lock to Asriel's door, which he'd annoyingly left locked after leaving, and search through the warzone that was his room to find a suitcase (not that she was fussy, any bigger bag would've done). The whole thing had taken her way longer than planned. At least she'd had the foresight years ago to learn how to pick locks.

"We'll just have to be fast!" Lyra pulled back on her shoes and yankled the suitcase behind her. Locking up wasted another few minutes before she was on her way, Pan trotting by her side as a coyote. She kept up a swift pace, walking as fast as possible without quite running, taking the main path instead of the roofs for once.

Thankfully it was quiet. Most people still on campus would be having dinner.

She walked as quickly as she could, speeding through the streets and narrowly avoiding being hit by a car multiple times - much to Pan's horror. She didn't care, she didn't get hit after all, she just needed to get to the station.

Lyra was panting when she ran into Oxford train station, quickly scanning in search of Mrs Coulter. She had no idea what train she was on or what platform... She'd just have to search them all. She jogged up onto the bridge between platforms, peering over the ledge to try and find her.

Mrs Coulter was there, at the next platform over, standing in front of the train without a hair out of place. She clearly didn't have to run to get there. Her lips were pursed, fingers tapping against her crimson backpack. The monkey paced in front of her. Lyra watched her frown, and make her way towards the train door.

Oh no.

Lyra bolted over the bridge, pushing past meandering tourists without a care for their shouts behind her. Pan flew after her, helping her weave her way through. She took the stairs down three at a time, practically jumping down on the gravel ground. She sprinted along the platform, adrenaline coursing through her veins.

"Mrs Coulter! Don't leave without me!"

Mrs Coulter paused, one foot on the small step up onto the train. She turned her head, a smile gracing her lips at the sight of Lyra running towards her. Lyra skidded to a halt, heaving breaths shaking her body. She was slick with sweat, untamed dark hair stuck to her face which was undoubtedly bright red from exertion.

"Lyra! I was worried you wouldn't make it." Mrs Coulter stepped on the train, indicating for Lyra to follow her. The golden monkey reached out a hand to help with her suitcase, one Lyra gladly took as she tried to yank it up into the carriage. She was exhausted, all her limbs aching for the running she'd done while dragging a shockingly heavy suitcase behind her.

"Oh! I don't have tickets, where do I get those?" Lyra's eyes widened, realising she probably couldn't afford the train journey. She'd stolen some cash she'd found in Asriel's room, but would it be enough? How much was a train journey anyway?

"Don't worry, I have your tickets. We're in first class, so you'll enjoy the ride I'm sure. Come now, this way."

Mrs Coulter led her into the carriage, far fancier than all the movies made it seem, and to their seats near the middle. They had a whole table to themselves, Mrs Coulter and her daemon taking up one side while Lyra and Pan sat opposite. Pam scurried onto her lap, standing on his hind legs to look out the window. Lyra joined him with wide eyes and a bright grin as the train began to move. This was amazing.

Her phone dinged as the train pulled out of the station.

From father: Don't.

Lyra rolled her eyes and locked her phone. It was too late now. She turned back to enjoy the view of rolling fields flying past them, excitement and wonder filling her.

Chapter Text

"Welcome to my home."

Lyra gaped at the stunning hallway she stepped out into, lined with shining white marble and decorated with gold. The lift up had already been a luxury, unheard of in the old tenement buildings of Oxford, but this? This was something else. She'd never seen a place so fancy. Her own home paled in comparison. It was practically a palace.

"It's amazing," Lyra gasped, head jerking as she constantly looked around. She ran over to a small hall table, gawping at the delicate ornament there. A sharp hiss stopped her hand midair in front of it and Pan flinched against her neck. Lyra ignored his distaste and shoved her hand into her pocket as if nothing had happened, trying not to meet the beady black eyes of the golden monkey.

"Why don't I show you around?" Mrs Coulter's bright smile washed away any weirdness Lyra felt, though it didn’t soothe Pan. She nodded fervently. "Come along then."

Lyra scurried after Mrs Coulter, Pan trotting at her feet as a wolf. The sound of her heels clicking against the marble rang in Lyra's ears, only increasing the marvel of the place.

"This is the living room," Mrs Coulter led Lyra into a room that was larger than the flat in Oxford. The sofas were a luxurious teal colour with a wide screen TV hanging on a blue painted wall. The window took up the entire outer wall, soft city lights shining in. It was astonishing, she’d never seen anything like it. The sofas looked so comfortable! She couldn’t wait to curl up on them with Pan. "And out there is the balcony. We'll have breakfast there in the morning, if the weather's nice."

"You have a balcony?" Lyra ran over to the window, pressing her face against the glass and staring out. It would be so easy to climb up her flat building in Oxford if they'd had a balcony.

"Of course," Mrs Coulter laughed. "Come on, there's plenty more to show you."

What followed was a dizzying tour. A dining room (rarely used, supposedly), a bathroom with a bath so big Lyra would be able to entirely stretch out, a second bathroom (two!) and a small sitting room were all shown to her. The end of the long corridor was off limits, containing Mrs Coulter's own bedroom and study. Lyra understood, mostly. Asriel always locked his room at home (even if she could pick the lock quite easily now).

"And this is your room."

The final room was the one she had been most excited for. A large double bed with metallic blue covers sat in the middle of a spacious room, surrounded by silver walls. A white desk was pushed up against a large window, the curtains already drawn and soft lamp light filling the room. There was both a large wardrobe and chest of drawers, which Lyra thought looked great for hiding in (but she definitely didn't have enough clothes to fill either). Beside the desk was a bookshelf filled to the brim - something she'd check out if she got bored.

It was amazing.

Lyra ran over to the bed and threw herself onto it, grinning as she bounced. She'd never felt sheets so soft and a bed so comfortable. It felt like she was melting into it. She rolled over and spread out across it with little care for getting her shoes all across the clean sheets. Pan was bouncing beside her, ferret eyes bright and tail twitching.

"It's wonderful!" Lyra eventually rolled off it, dark eyes shining as she looked back over at Mrs Coulter where she stood in the doorway.

"I'm delighted that you like it. Well, it's been quite the day, so I'll leave you to relax before bed," Marisa smiled, watching Lyra with kind eyes. "If you need anything, I'll be in the living room."

Lyra hesitated for just a moment before hopping off the bed and practically barrelling into Mrs Coulter with outstretched arms. She hugged her tightly, unable to hold back as she was practically vibrating with joyful energy. It didn't matter that the hug wasn't properly returned, just an awkward hand falling on Lyras back, because she was too happy to be bothered by anything. Lyra didn't hold on for long, pulling back with a wide grin and a bashful blush spread across her cheeks. "Thank you, Mrs Coulter."

"Of course, it's my pleasure." Mrs Coulter let out a soft laugh and ran a hand over Lyra's hair, so gentle in comparison to how Asriel always ruffled it without any care for how much he messed it up. "Sleep well, Lyra dear."

"Good night!"

After Mrs Coulter left, Lyra collapsed on the bed with a satisfied sigh. Pan curled up at her side, head resting on her shoulder. Now that she was lying down, exhaustion hit her. A lot had happened that day, most of it good for once. She'd climbed all over Oxford then ended up taking a train for the first time... When they got to London Mrs Coulter took her out for dinner at a restaurant serving the most delicious food Lyra had ever had. It was just a middle tier one, Mrs Coulter had said, which made Lyra wonder how much fancier and better it could get.

It had been a lot, even though it was good.

"I like it here already," Lyra murmured, turning her head to face Pan. Their noses tapped together. She was glad she had him so she didn't have to experience so many new and exciting things alone. "It's nice. She's nice."

Pan hesitated before licking her nose and snuggling up to her. "If you're happy, so am I."

-

The next morning Lyra woke up with a jolt, breathing quickening at the unfamiliar surroundings. Pan was up instantly, jumping on her chest as a snow leopard. The heavy weight pulled her out of the remnants of the nightmare she'd had, slipping from her memory, and she realised where she was.

"Guess I need to get used to this," she murmured, for Pan's benefit as much as her own. She didn't normally have nightmares, and while neither recollected it the fear was still vivid. It must be because it was her first time sleeping somewhere that wasn't her own bed, or at Roger's (a rare occasion too).

"At least it's comfy," Pan replied lightly, stretching out beside her. She'd taken a while to get to sleep the night before, but had woken up without any lumps sticking into her back, which felt luxurious. She needed to get a mattress like this at home... Maybe she could convince Asriel to get one when he came back.

At the thought of her father Lyra frowned, chest tightening.

"We should reply to him," Pan whispered, nudging her cheek. "So he knows we're alright."

Pan was right that she should reply. She was still mad with Asriel, but she wanted him to know that. Why should she be the only one to feel this way?

There had been no more messages from him since his one word answer. She glared at it, willing the don't to become something more, before furiously typing out a response.

'Get me yourself then.'

She locked her phone and threw it to the side, burrowing back under the covers. With Pan pressing against her and a duvet wrapped all around her she felt safe, and a little more grounded. It didn't matter that Asriel hadn't cared enough to bother sending another message, or that he hadn't tried to call her. She was somewhere much nicer and if he wanted her to come back he'd have to come get her himself.

She wouldn't accept anything else.

A sharp rap in her door stopped Lyra from trying to fall back asleep, just closed eyes fluttering open.

"Lyra? Are you awake? Breakfast is ready."

"I'll just be a minute!" Lyra shot out of bed, ugly feelings quickly replaced with excitement for the upcoming day. Breakfast with Mrs Coulter! A whole day with her! She rummaged through her suitcase, strewing clothes across the floor without much care. Without much thought a blue wool jumper was thrown on over a t-shirt and jeans. She ran a hand through her hair, untangling some of the knots from sleep, but didn't bother doing anything more. Normally she wouldn’t even bother with that.

It was still early in the morning, after all, and she'd looked much worse yesterday. Not that she really cared how she looked... Just a little bit in front of Mrs Coulter.

"This way," Pan chirped, his sensitive fox nose leading them through the corridors and towards the delectable smell of breakfast. She found Mrs Coulter and breakfast out on the balcony, much wider than what she'd anticipated. When she heard balcony she thought of the small ones she saw in Oxford, with metal rails to prevent falling, not something large enough to fit a table with a red stone wall. She'd have to check later if she could get anywhere from it.

"Good morning," Mrs Coulter flashed her a bright smile, eyes scanning over Lyra quickly. Lyra took a seat opposite her, mouth watering at the sight of all the cooked food and dainty pastries. "You really did just get out of bed."

"What else is there to do?" Lyra tilted her head, slightly confused. She grabbed a chocolate croissant as she thought about it, ripping off a piece and stuffing it into her mouth. It was delicious.

"Plenty," Mrs Coulter sighed softly, pity filling her eyes. "You don't think I woke up looking this perfect, do you? A dedicated morning skin regime followed by makeup to enhance appearance is a woman's strength."

"Father e'nt told me that before," Lyra said, words muffled by the pastry in her mouth. "I e'nt know nothing about women's strength or whatever."

"Don't talk with your mouth full," Mrs Coulter chastised gently. Lyra gulped down what was in her mouth and nodded. Normally she'd give whoever told her something like that the middle finger, but when it was Mrs Coulter... She didn’t want to disappoint her. And she'd asked so nicely. "It's not becoming of a young woman. Don't worry, Lyra dear, I'll teach you everything you need to know."

"Really! I'd love that... I e'nt used makeup before, got no girl friends y'see. I suppose it's what my mother would've taught me, right?"

Mrs Coulter's smile faltered momentarily, her hand covering her mouth as she laughed. Lyra wasn't really sure what there was to laugh about. Her having never used makeup? "I'm sure she would have, if she could. I'm afraid I'll have to do, dear."

"No, I'm glad it's you!" Lyra said quickly, not wanting Mrs Coulter to think she saw her as a second choice. For Lyra a mother was just a fantasy, something she dreamed about but had no real attachment to. There was a yearning sometimes but she’d never known what it was like to have one. Asriel was enough. "You've been so nice to me, I'd love to learn all this stuff from you."

She ignored Pan's judgmental stare from her lap. Sure she didn't like girly things at all but what was the harm in learning? Maybe it would be fun. Agreeing to learn didn't mean she had to start wearing makeup.

"You have no idea how happy I am to hear that." Mrs Coulter clapped her hands together. "We'll start today. After you've eaten and gotten properly dressed I'll take you out shopping. We'll transform that dreary little wardrobe of yours into something spectacular."

"But I'm already dressed. I e'nt in pyjamas or anything."

"Lyra, dear, what you're wearing is barely suitable for at home. I'll choose something more appropriate from your suitcase."

Lyra nodded even though she didn't think that was right. Her father never had a problem with her running about in this, he barely even cared if her clothes were covered in dirt. Wasn't it alright if they did what they were meant to? She'd never been that fussy about what she wore as long as she could move easily in it. She thought what she was wearing right now was perfectly fine.

For once she decided to hold her tongue. She didn't want to ruin the atmosphere, even though she was sure Mrs Coulter was nothing like her father and wouldn't lose her temper when Lyra started being annoying.

How mature, Pan snorted sarcastically in her mind. She violently shook her leg so that he fell off, landing on the floor with a huff.

"You'll love it here in London," Marisa continued, cheeks creasing from the constant smile on her soft pink lips. "There's so much for me to show you and so many people to introduce you to. It won't do for the only people you know to be old professors and uncouth boys. London will suit you much more and you can stay as long as you like."

"But what about school back in Oxford? People will be worried if I don't show up and I'll get in trouble." Not that she was actually worried about that, she skipped all the time with little care for the consequences. But she cared about Mrs Coulter's opinion of her and wanted to appear good.

"Don't worry about that," Marisa stroked Lyra's cheek gently. Lyra leaned into it. "I've already talked to them for you. You can't continue to study in that lowbrow place, anyway. We'll find you somewhere more fitting. For now I'll homeschool you."

Lyra had hoped she'd be able to skip schooling altogether, but being taught by Mrs Coulter sounded far more interesting than most of her classes. She was a scientist after all, or at least worked in a similar field to Asriel, so she must know a lot of cool things. Maybe they'd spend all day doing experiments! Or Lyra could help Mrs Coulter with her work! That sounded thrilling, so much better than boring classrooms were teachers droned on and there was dull question after question to answer.

"Now, concentrate on finishing your breakfast," Mrs Coulter interrupted Lyra's thoughts with her almost lyrical words. "There's lots to do, and only so many hours in the day. We must make the most of them."

Lots to do turned out to mean shopping, and a lot of it.

Lyra hadn't had much money spent on her during her life. She didn't think they were poor, just most of Asriel's money was funnelled into his research. He hadn't exactly been around frequently enough to take her out shopping anyway. She couldn't imagine it.

It was a completely new experience.

Mrs Coulter led her into a large clothing store, filled with dazzling items that Lyra had only seen on the woman herself. The only thing that stopped her from running off, rummaging through all the racks to find the most egregious items, was the warmth of Mrs Coulter's hand holding her own. Nobody had ever held her hand like this, because Asriel hadn't cared to and she'd always been the leader of everyone else. She never wanted to let go, Pan nibbling at her ear to help stop her from letting out giddy giggles every step of the way.

"Now, Lyra," Mrs Coulter stopped at the side of the shop, where there were large mirrors set against the walls and a plush sofa facing them. Signs pointed a bit further to the changing rooms, with heavy maroon curtains separating cubicles. The place was mostly empty with only a few members of staff hovering, watching Mrs Coulter carefully. "I'm planning on buying you a whole new wardrobe, if you'd like. However you will have to allow me to pick out all of your outfits. What you've been wearing so far doesn't quite suit you. The clothes you wear determine the way people see you. With nicer, well chosen outfits people will have a more positive opinion of you. Wouldn’t you like that?"

"I would!" It wasn't like she had to throw away her old clothes or anything, and Lyra didn't have much of an attachment to them beyond their comfort. She didn't quite understand the rest, but the softness in Mrs Coulter's gaze and the attention she was showering her with was enough to get her to agree right away.

"Perfect." Mrs Coulter squeezed her hand before letting go. "You'll look quite the refined lady by the time we're done."

She ushered Lyra over with a shoulder on her hand, before sweeping off to talk to one of the staff members.

"I like how you look," Pan whispered, crawling into her lap and looking up at her with concerned dark eyes. "Why should we change?"

"We e'nt," Lyra shook her head at that, comfortingly stroking Pans head. He pressed against her hand with a soft whine. "I'm just tryin' on some clothes, I e'nt gonna change. No one's ever bought me clothes before."

Pan gently nudged her hand with his nose. All her clothes before had been hand me downs or bought by herself with money given to her by Asriel, via the master. Beyond Roger coming with her sometimes she always has to shop alone. "As long as you're sure."

"I am."

"Lyra, dear, I’ve found just the perfect dress for you." Mrs Coulter glided over, staff in tow with an armful of clothes. She ran a gentle hand across Lyra's crown, smiling so dazzlingly that Lyra found herself grinning back. "Come, now, try it on."

Lyra let herself be led to the changing room. She took the dress Mrs Coulter handed her in a daze, looking at the dozens more hung up inside the little curtain covered room. Was she supposed to try them all on? Couldn't they just buy them?

"Come out to show me when you have it on." Mrs Coulter cupped her right cheek before leaving her to get changed.

"How do I get into this?" Lyra looked from the fitted, dark purple dress to Pan. He sniffed it with his ermine nose before shifting into a small, dark monkey. His confusion matched her own, the only certainty that she'd need his help seeing as there was a zip at the back.

"I dunno."

Lyra picked it up with a frown. They'd just have to figure it out.

After far too long she emerged from the cubicle, picking at the skirt with a grimace. She didn't mind the bodice being tight, because the sleeves were short and gave her some freedom of movement, but the skirt was nothing like the loose ones she was used to when forced to wear a dress. It restricted her leg movement and she definitely wouldn't be able to climb in it. What was the point in clothes she couldn’t run around in?

"Lyra, you look wonderful." Mrs Coulter let out a pleased gasp, beckoning Lyra over to her by the mirror. With one hand curled around Lyras shoulder and the other caressing her hair she turned her towards it. Mrs Coulter's smile shone in the reflection. "See, much better. You suit this style, and purple is quite your colour, something we have in common. Do you like it?"

Lyra didn't really see it, honestly. What she saw in the mirror didn't look like her, wearing a deep purple silk dress that was far too fancy for her, when she normally only wore pinafore dresses if absolutely necessary. "It e'nt so comfy, I prefer clothes with a bit of give, so I can run around."

Mrs Coulter laughed, like delicately tinkling bells, as if Lyra had just said the funniest joke. She ran a smooth finger along her jaw. "Oh Lyra, darling, the right clothes will help you command the room and draw people's attention to you. There's power in that, dear, far more than in unruly play. You just need to let me teach you."

Power... Lyra and Pan didn't see how, because surely she was just weaker in this, but if Mrs Coulter said so it must be true. She didn't want her attention to turn away. "I'd like to learn."

"Perfect," Mrs Coulter beamed. "Now go and try on the rest."

Lyra hesitated, even as Mrs Coulter gently pushed her forward with a hand at the small of her back. Did she really have to try on that massive pile of dresses? She got that Mrs Coulter wanted her to look fancier but did it have to be all dresses? Mrs Coulter wasn't even wearing one now, dressed in a low cut scarlet top tucked into black slacks, a delicate gold necklace sitting at her sternum. She exuded the same grace she always did, though Lyra was a little used to it now.

"Can't I have some trousers too?"

"Of course, Lyra, dear. Do you think we're in the 19th century? This is just the start of our shopping trip. It's best to do it piece by piece to avoid confusion. We'll move onto tops after the dresses, then we'll get to trousers and skirts, then shoes."

Just the start? Lyra wasn't sure how much she could take. She held her tongue for once, just nodding and scurrying back into the changing room. If it made Mrs Coulter happy she'd do it.

And the attention on her with every piece of clothing she tried on caused her chest to flutter, like a million butterflies were dancing inside of her. Pan perched on her shoulder as a macaw, head held high and changing the colours of his bright feathers to match whatever she wore. They looked quite the pair, and Mrs Coulter showered them both with compliments that made them swell with pride.

It didn't matter that a lot of it was stuff they normally didn't care to wear and there was so much of it, going from item to item and shop to shop. Shining dresses for parties, smart trousers to replace her scruffy ones, neat tops and shirts, knee length full skirts with delicate lace trims that Lyra would rather be dead than seen in, and so many shoes that she began to wonder if she really was quite poor since she’d only had two pairs before.

Some of the clothes Lyra really liked, like a pair of straight cut checked trousers that were easy to move in and fashionable (according to Mrs Coulter). There were soft wool sweaters, cashmere she was told, that reminded her a little of Asriel and were incredibly comfortable to wear, and loose tops that felt silky soft against her skin.

They went home with bags upon bags of outfits. Lyra collapsed into bed as soon as she could, after hugging Mrs Coulter goodnight and being sent on her way. She'd had no idea shopping could be so exhausting.

Pan crawled up to her chest and they snuggled together, Lyra's joy spreading between them both. She'd definitely made the right decision coming with Mrs Coulter. No one had shown her attention like this before, cared enough to buy her nice things and hold her hand and promise to teach her about real life, as opposed to academics.

How her father had ever had a friend as lovely as Mrs Coulter, she didn't know.

-

The next morning Lyra found herself in a bubble bath, divinely warm and deep. Pan perched on the edge of the porcelain bathtub, scurrying around with soft squeaks.

"Is it warm enough, Lyra?" Mrs Coulter asked softly, crouching beside Lyra's head with a warm smile.

"It's perfect!"

Mrs Coulter had offered to help her bathe, to show Lyra how to properly care for her hair, and Lyra hadn't seen any reason to say no. She didn't have many memories of being helped in this way, only faint ones of Asriel bathing with her when she was small and Mrs Lonsdale helping when he was away. As soon as she was old enough she'd done it herself.

Mrs Coulter's fingers gently tangled in Lyra's hair, lathering it with soap and running fingers through all the knots. Her fingernails lightly scraped against Lyras scalp, tingly in a way that made her giggle and relax simultaneously. She stretched her limbs out in the water, fingers wiggling in delight. It felt so nice, and she pressed her head against Mrs Coulter's hands. If she was a cat she'd be purring, Pan doing it in her place.

"Why don't we take you for a haircut later?"

Lyra blinked, taking a moment to drag herself out of the fuzzy relaxed atmosphere capturing her mind. "But I like my hair."

"Just a trim. The ends of your hair are in a horrifying state, when was it last cut?"

Lyra frowned, searching her memories. Two years ago, Pan handily supplied. "Two years ago I think... It was here after it was last cut." She indicated to just underneath her ear. It had been ugly for a while, shorter than she liked, but now it fell to her shoulders in messy curls. "Mrs Lonsdale did it... That's the housekeeper at Jordan, and Roger's uncle. It'd gotten so muddy that there were no other way to fix it."

"Really?" Mrs Coulter hummed, thoughtfully tugging on Lyra's hair. Lyra winced at the sting but bit it down. It was just a mistake, that was all. "Well, that is far too long. I'll make an appointment for after lunch, then we can go out for afternoon tea."

"Afternoon tea!" Lyra gasped, eyes wide. It was something she'd only heard of before, from old style movies her and Roger watched and advertised on the side of fancy cafes. "Will it have all the small sandwiches? And scones with jam and cream?"

"Of course. All kinds of little cakes too." Mrs Coulter rubbed her head before gently pinching her ear. "Now close your eyes."

Lyra squeezed her eyes shut as Mrs Coulter rinsed her hair, leaning back again with a sigh.

"Now, I'm going to use conditioner in your hair. Do you use it normally?"

"We e'nt got any at home... I just use father's stuff, I think it does everything. Two in one or somethin’"

"I'm surprised you still have any hair at all," Mrs Coulter said, a hint of disdain in her tone. "Don't worry, I'll have your hair shining when I'm done. You leave conditioner in for two minutes before you wash it off."

Lyra nodded, eyes fluttered closed again when Mrs Coulter began to massage the conditioner into her hair. It was so gentle and affectionate, as if Lyra's hair was something precious. As if she was something precious. It was nothing like the rare times Mrs Lonsdale tried to wash her, where a harsh brush was ripped through her hair until her scalp stung. It was rare she was shown any physical affection, never one as attentive as this. She relaxed into it, feeling like she was floating.

She wondered if this was what it was like to have a mum. Would her mum have helped her wash her hair as she grew up, massaging in shampoo and gently rubbing circles in her scalp? She imagined that would be the case.

She wished she had a mum like this... That Mrs Coulter was her mum.

As soon as she had the thought she pushed it away. Her father was enough, even if she was angry at him right now.

But she did like Mrs Coulter almost as much.

"There you go." Mrs Coulter's hands left her hair and Lyra chased them, already missing the soft touch the moment it was gone. Pan scurried around and pressed his wet nose against her cheek to replace it. She leaned into that instead, because it was less embarrassing. "Can you rinse it off yourself?"

"Of course! I e'nt had help since I was able to walk."

"How mature of you," Mrs Coulter hummed, giving the top of Lyra's head one last caress. "Rinse it out and then take as long as you want. We've plenty of time till we have to leave."

"You're leaving?" Lyra tried to ignore the strange harsh feeling that seized her chest.

"I can't just sit here and watch you wash," Mrs Coulter laughed, eyes sparkling with amusement. "I'll just be in the living room, a shout away if you need me."

Lyra nodded. That was fine, Mrs Coulter was right. She'd helped with her hair which was already so much... Enough to make Lyra almost light headed with joy.

"Once you're done I'll show you how to use makeup."

Mrs Coulter swanned out of the room, golden monkey scurrying behind. Lyra curled up into a ball, barely resisting flailing her limbs everywhere. Pan finally jumped into the water with her, splashing her playfully.

"Oh Pan," Lyra grinned, splashing him back before pulling him closer to her with a wide grin. "I'm so happy."

-

The next few days flew by in a whirlwind of excitement and new experiences, being taken from place to place by Mrs Coulter and introduced to all sorts of seemingly important people. She barely remembered about her friends, sending her messages most days, nevermind Asriel. There was too much to see and Mrs Coulter was just too captivating. She stole all of Lyra's attention. Her glamorous life was far more exhausting than she'd imagined. Lyra didn’t have time for anything else, practically forgetting her life back in Oxford.

Once her initial excitement had died down, things settled into more of a routine, and she had time to think again. With time to think her mind returned to her anger and her father, especially the lack of messages from him. Did he even care? She refused to message him again, even though every day without a message was a stab to her heart. Even Pan agreed, which was rare when it came to something like this. She'd see who won this.

She definitely didn't miss him, even if she did miss Oxford a bit.

"I'm bored," Lyra complained, gaze flicking between her phone and the television without paying attention to either.

Mrs Coulter had gone out mid afternoon with promises to be back in time for dinner, but the golden clock on the wall was ticking past seven with no sign of her. The restlessness that had slowly been creeping up on her every day was harder to ignore now that they were alone, leaving her unable to focus on any of the entertainment here and instead thinking about what there was to explore outside. When was Mrs Coulter going to let her help with her work? Her company was so interesting, but Lyra couldn't stand being dragged around another dress shop or to another dinner with fancily dressed people who talk in posh accents about things she didn't understand. She'd come here to be with Mrs Coulter and to learn from her... To have someone present and interested in her for once! She wanted all of the dignified woman's attention and it was only her need to impress her that was keeping them in this flat right now... And in London. She'd already been here for almost a week but any thoughts of going home, mostly from Pan, were shoved down. She didn't want to leave Mrs Coulter, not yet. Not when she still paid Lyra so much attention, most of the time.

The TV droned on in the background, a show that Lyra had always wanted to watch but didn't seem so fun without Roger there to share it with, and her phone sat open on unread messages to her friends, who were undoubtedly having dinner right now. Pan shifted into a domestic cat and stretched over her legs with a yawn. She was so bored that she couldn't even find the energy to move, slumped on the floor with a hand in Pan's fur.

The sharp click of the lock snapped her out of it, shoving Pan off her legs and sprinting towards the main door. She barrelled down the corridor, not even caring about following the don't run around the house rule, skidding to a halt right as the door opened.

"Mrs Coulter!"

"My, how lovely it is to see your two adorable faces as soon as I get home." Mrs Coulter's eyes crinkled and she leaned forward, gently caressing Lyra's cheek before giving it a squeeze. Her monkey followed, chittering softly and sidling up to Pan. A black clawed finger reached out to tap Pan's head. Pan bit down a shudder and endured it for Lyra's shake, even as his distaste filled her. He'd always been particular about what daemons actually touched him and he didn’t like Mrs Coulter’s at all. "You would think I'd been away for days. What have you been doing while I was away?"

"Uhhh... Just watching TV."

"Hmm. Well that won't do, I've been gone for hours. Did you look at the worksheets I set you?"

"A little," Lyra lied. She'd glanced at them and decided it wasn't worth doing, not without Mrs Coulter actually around.

"I see." Mrs Coulter's lips flattened into a thin line, eyes narrowing. This was gone as quickly as it had been there, replaced by a kind expression. "Too much television isn't good for you, Lyra. If you don't plan to do your work then read a book. The television is off limits from now on."

Lyra opened her mouth to protest but didn't get a chance, a firm hand on her shoulder guiding her back into the living room. She let Mrs Coulter sit her down on the sofa, relaxing slightly when she felt it dip beside her. She wasn't leaving again, at least.

"Now, Lyra," Mrs Coulter started, taking one of Lyra's hands in her own. Her gaze was so soft that Lyra's breath got caught in her throat, still unused to being looked at like this. "I have something important to talk to you about."

Lyra gulped. What was it? Was her father back?

"I'm planning to host a party next week." That was disappointing. "There will be very important guests from all over and I want you there, by my side. It'll be a wonderful opportunity for you, my dear, and could set you up for the future. But you must let me mould you into a perfect, charming lady. I've already started teaching you but there's so much more to be done. You have so much potential, darling, it's a shame to let it go to waste."

"Alright," Lyra agreed, ignoring Pan squirming in her lap. She put a comforting hand on the back of his neck, rubbing the sensitive spot there. "I e'nt been to a party before."

"You'll love it. We'll need to get you a new dress, of course, but we'll worry about that tomorrow. How about dinner now? I brought home food from that lovely little French restaurant we went to a few days ago."

With food promised, Lyra pushed away any thought of the party, all the way until she was stretched out on her bed and not quite ready to sleep. Pan pressed into her side, in the snow leopard form he'd been more and more often recently. It was a bit too warm but she didn't shove him away, his solid body against her arm comforting.

"I like us the way we are," he said softly.

"Huh?" Lyra turned to look down at him, staring into his large yellow eyes as if it would tell her anything she didn't already know - when she could already feel his distress deep in her chest. "Why're you sayin' that?"

"Mrs Coulter, she's trying to change us- you. I don't like it. We're fine as we are."

"But she's nice to us, Pan," Lyra said softly, curling forward so that their foreheads pressed together. Pan whined softly. "I e'nt changing, anyway. Just learning some things, don't have to do 'em. She likes us as we are."

"I don't think she does, Lyra. I think she really does want to make you into a different person."

Lyra hugged him closer, trying to comfort him even as his doubts began to infect her.

"She does. You'll see, Pan, just wait."

-

"Won't we get in trouble if we sneak out without saying anything?" Pan hissed, claws digging into Lyra's shoulder through her thin t-shirt. She rolled her eyes at him.

"Course not! Mrs Coulter e'nt like father."

"Father doesn't get mad at us for that... but she told us to stay home and study," Pan trembled slightly. The fear pricking at Lyra's skin, entirely his, shocked her. What was there to be scared about? Mrs Coulter had been nothing but nice to Lyra. Sure, she enforced bedtimes more than anyone else ever had and didn't seem to want her going out by herself, but it was all for Lyra's good. London was more dangerous than Oxford and she needed a good night's sleep to become a strong explorer.

Lyra didn't really believe London was dangerous, she was thirteen not five, but she wanted to please Mrs Coulter. Just she'd had enough of being stuck inside, restlessness increasing until she couldn't bear any longer. Mrs Coulter said she'd be out till the evening so what was the harm in Lyra going out for a bit?

"She won't even know we was gone," Lyra scoffed. "You always worry too much, Pan. Relax, let's have some fun! We e'nt got a chance to explore London yet."

Pan quietened down, because as much as he worried he'd also been going just as stir crazy as Lyra. Being stuck inside the apartment, only allowed out when following Mrs Coulter, was infuriating. He missed being able to fly and run across the roofs of Oxford without worrying that whatever form took his fancy might knock over an expensive vase, or about being inappropriate and unruly. Neither had expected to be so restricted here.

Lyra didn't know London very well but she didn't bother checking a map (because she’d forgotten her phone), instead going wherever her feet took her. The buildings near Mrs Coulter's were tall and smooth, the only way to climb them being wide balconies and long drainage pipes. She didn't want to risk it, not when it wasn't like she was used to. Maybe if she kept wandering she'd find somewhere more suitable for climbing. She missed it, the feeling of freedom on the top of the roofs with the whole city at her disposal.

Even if she didn't find anything to climb, there was so much for her to see.

She found herself in an expansive park, with winding paths through what seemed like an entire forest. People meandered about the park but it was easy to find somewhere quieter and to climb into the trees, swinging between them and sitting in their branches. It was the most fun she'd had in a while, exhilaration running through her veins as the wind swept through her hair. Pan climbed with her as a monkey, then he was a bird, swooping around her head.

She climbed and she ran, she even found a small group of other kids to thoroughly beat at football. They'd missed this so much, being able to go and do whatever they pleased, unconstrained by adults and rules. It wasn't the same as Jordan's roofs, her own little kingdom, but it would do. She could start another reign of terror here, it was a different kind of fun.

Lyra didn't make her way back until her stomach started growling with hunger, begging her to eat. She weaved through the heaving streets of London, easily retracing her steps back to Mrs Coulter's flat.

As much as she'd told Pan not to worry, her breathing quickened as the lift slowly moved upwards. Hopefully Mrs Coulter wouldn't be home. Not because she was scared or anything, just because it was easier to not have to explain.

With a ding they reached the right floor, Lyra shoving around in her pockets for the spare flat key she'd stolen out of Mrs Coulter's bag. She let herself in as quietly as possible, hovering in the hallway, Pan turning into a rat on her shoulder and listening carefully for any signs of movement. It was quiet, too quiet for anyone to be in, so she let out a sigh of relief and scurried in.

Safe.

"Told you she wouldn't be home, Pan, we're fine-"

Lyra ground to a halt at the living room door, opening up to Mrs Coulter sitting in perfect view. She smiled so beautifully, poised on the edge of the sofa with a porcelain cup of tea in her hand. The golden monkey sat upright beside her, clutching her skirt and puffing up his shining fur. They'd been so quiet that Pan hadn't been able to hear them.

"Now where have you been, Lyra, darling?"

Every word dripped with a sickly sweetness that caused Lyra to flinch, Pan shivering at her neck. It shouldn't have scared her, but there was something off about the way Mrs Coulter spoke, like their softness was hiding something more sinister underneath. Beyond the tinge of fear it rubbed her the wrong way, because there was an implication there that she'd done something she shouldn't have.

Lyra hated that.

"Out," Lyra replied shortly, not even bothering to enter the living room Mrs Coulter had been silently sitting in, as if waiting for her to let her guard down. Lyra felt her sharp gaze roving over her, taking in the mud splattered clothes and tattered tights. "I'm tired, I'm going to my room."

She spun on her heels and took quick steps down the corridor, Pan jumping down to hurry in front of her.

"Lyra, come back here this instant!"

Lyra winced as the shrill voice grated against her ears, freezing mid step. She was angry. She was definitely angry. But Lyra was angry too, now.

"Lyra." A lower pitch now, deceptively soft but not enough to hide the undercurrent of anger from Lyra - experienced at having that emotion directed at her. "Come back before my patience runs out."

She really didn't want to. Pan scurried back to her legs, frantically circling around them, his chaotic thoughts clashing with her own.

"Lyra!"

Lyra shoved away the fear that clutched them, striding back into the living room. She had nothing to be scared of! She hadn't done anything wrong. Her lips twisted into a sullen frown that it had lacked recently, dark eyes indignant as she glared at Mrs Coulter. Mrs Coulter stood now, her slender figure intimidating in a different way to Asriel's looking one. Her monkey crouched on the sofa chair, hair standing on end.

"Now that wasn't so hard, was it?" There was clearly a smile on her lips but her eyes were so cold. Lyra's heart thudded against her chest under that icy gaze even as anger rose to cover it. "Now, tell me where you were."

"Why?"

"Because I've asked you to."

Lyra rolled her eyes. She would have if Mrs Coulter hadn't suddenly decided she'd done something wrong, broken some unspoken rule by going out to have fun. If Mrs Coulter wasn't acting so weird she'd be so happy to tell her everything. But instead she was snapping at Lyra and ordering her rather than asking. Lyra didn't like being told what to do, angry defiance swirling in her chest and quickly rising to the surface. She narrowed her eyes mutinously, Pan turning into a hissing wildcat in front of her. This emboldened Lyra. She folded her arms and stomped her foot, glaring up at Mrs Coulter.

"It doesn't matter where I were. Why're you angry?"

Mrs Coulter paused, lips twisted into an even faker smile. Her monkey tensed, lips curling back to reveal his sharp teeth. "I'm not angry."

"You are! I just went out, nothing wrong with that. I don't see why I gotta stay here when you e'nt about. Now you're gettin’ angry for no reason. I e'nt gotta tell you everything I do."

"Really, Lyra." Mrs Coulter pinched the bridge of her nose. She sounded tired, but Lyra could tell that was fake too, could still sense the danger that ran through her voice. "You've done nothing wrong? Dear, running away without your guardians permission is wrong, not to mention coming back covered in dirt."

Pan snarled at her feet, arching his back and fluffing up his fur. They refused to back down. Lyra was experienced in arguments, refusing to yield to her father till one of them calmed their anger enough to have a more reasonable discussion. Mrs Coulter wasn't even listening to her, infuriating Lyra further. It was unfair. They’d just gone out! "I didn't run away! I e'nt done nothing wrong, you e'nt my guardian anyway, you can't control-"

Pan!

Lyra fell to the floor, sharp pain ripping through her. A cry tried to escape her lips but a weight on her neck strangled her- them.

Pan struggled against the golden monkeys' sharp claws, shifting rapidly and desperately. Turning smaller managed to dislodge him and Pan ran forward, snarling as a wildcat once again, trying to bite and claw at the monkey. The golden monkey fought back, raking down Pan’s back and throwing him against the ground. Pans panicked cries and Lyra's pained screams mingled in the air, agony and ice cold terror seizing them both. Pan fought as hard as he could and Lyra struggled to her knees, tear-stained eyes glaring up at Mrs Coulter.

She didn't even seem affected, expression almost bored as she watched her daemon pin Pan to the ground and twist the scruff of his neck harshly. It was as if it had nothing to do with her. She gave no reaction for the few hits the monkey took. This terrified them more than any anger would have, the callousness of her expression and the coldness glinting in the monkeys eyes horrifying.

Lyra trembled as the monkey flipped Pan over, biting and scratching at the soft flesh of his belly. Fear, pain and anger surged through them, their emotions now indistinguishable from each other's. It was like her heart was being torn to shreds, every hurt felt twofold, and glass shards scraped her throat with every breath.

Still the monkey didn't stop, as Pan screeched and thrashed beneath him, trying to drag himself away only to get pinned down again.

It hurt so much, it hurt, it hurt, Pan was in so much pain, stabbing, tearing through them.

"Please, stop, you're hurting us!" Lyra struggled to even look up now, fingernails digging into the floor and tears flowing freely down her cheeks. "Please! This isn't like you, you're just upset, please, stop, it hurts so much."

Mrs Coulter laughed lightly, finally looking up from inspecting her perfectly manicured nails. The monkey stopped attacking Pan but still kept his head pinned down, a horrible weight on them both. His eyes flashed with a malice that pierced them like ice.

"Then don't talk back to me. This could have been avoided so easily, Lyra, if you hadn't been so horribly rude."

Lyra glowered up at her with bloodshot eyes, teeth bared. How was any of that her fault?

Pain tore through her, sharp claws grabbing at Pan's ears and pulling them as if to rip them off. Another golden hand wrapped around his neck and pushed him further into the ground. Heaving gasps tore through Lyra's chest, pain and fear overwhelming them. She couldn’t breath, she couldn’t breath-

"Lyra, if you behave in this coarse and vulgar way, we will have a confrontation, which I will win. Stop glowering at me so horribly. Don't leave the flat without my permission again and never walk away when I'm talking to you. Do you understand me?"

"I do," Lyra gasped, trying her best to school her expression. Pan's pain lessened. They could breathe again. The monkey didn't let go, no longer hurting Pan but just holding him- them- there.

Mrs Coulter moved closer, standing between Lyra and the door, before inclining her head. The monkey let go of Pan, cold eyes filled with reluctance, and sauntered back to her heels. Pan flowed into Lyra's arms and she clutched him against her, his small body trembling and her ceaseless tears wetting his fur. His fear mingled with disgust, sickening Lyra, and she could only hold him closer to try and make it go away. "I want to go home."

Mrs Coulter crouched in front of Lyra, grasping her chin. Lyra flinched away but her grip was like steel, unbreakable in contrast to how she gently stroked Lyra's cheek. Pan squeaked in her arms, turning into a mouse and burrowing inside her shirt. His warmth against her bare skin balanced the terrifyingly tender caress.

"This is your home now, my dear. If you're the perfect behaved, sweet, charming and delightful little girl I know you can be, this won't happen again. You can do that, can't you?"

Lyra focused on stopping her voice from trembling, and forcing back the tears still pricking her eyes. "I can."

"Of course you can." Mrs Coulter smiled so sweetly, a sweetness that Lyra now knew hid a sickening danger. "Now, go wash up and get into bed. It's rather late, and I expect you to be up early tomorrow."

Lyra nodded, forcing herself to get to her feet as if nothing had happened. She couldn't make her way to the hall fast enough, clutching Pan through her shirt. Pan shivered as they passed the golden monkey, standing in the living room door.

"Good night, Lyra, darling." Mrs Coulter's melodic voice followed her.

Lyra turned around and faked a smile. "Goodnight, Mrs Coulter."

She fled to her room, barely cleaning herself before burrowing in her duvets and wrapping them around her and Pan. It made her feel slightly safer, holding Pan so close he couldn't be harmed and surrounded by soft walls to protect them both. But they couldn't shake the revulsion that gripped them both, horror burrowing its way into their chest. How could she hurt Pan like that!

Her father was harsh and intimidating, but he'd never hurt her. The worst he'd done was grab her by the shoulders and shake her after she'd done something particularly dangerous or troublesome. Stelmaria had never touched Pan with anything but affection. Lyra couldn't even imagine it, for all that she knew Stelmaria was capable of. She loved Pan too much.

Asriel would never ask her to hurt him, and she'd refuse to do it even if he did.

"I'm sorry, Pan," Lyra whispered, tears threatening to spill from her eyes again. She rubbed his back, as if rubbing away the wounds that had been dealt to him, only they weren't visible in the first place. But the real damage was done, vivid in their minds. "I'm so sorry."

"It wasn't your fault," Pan murmured back, wriggling in her arms to press his furry head against her chin. "It was all her."

"We can't stay here. I won't let her hurt you again."

"But we have no way out."

Pan was right, as much as she hated that. In Oxford they could get anywhere, but they couldn't just walk to Oxford from London. They had no money.

"Let's call Will, he'll know what to do," Lyra breathed, wriggling out of her bundle and searching through her duvet for her phone. She was sure she'd left it on her bed. Absolutely certain, because Pan remembered it too. He helped her search too, running across the bed as a wild cat. She should've taken it out with her, then she'd know where it was. "Where is it?"

"The golden monkey," Pan hissed, leaping back with an arched back and his sharp claws digging into the bedding. "He came in when she was talking to us just after. He must've taken it!"

Lyra's heart sank, falling back to the bed with wide eyes. Pan had been right. She shouldn't have trusted her, and now she was stuck. She'd hurt him and then taken their phone, making sure they were stuck.

It didn't feel good for Pan to be right, fear and despair clouding both of their minds without a hint of smugness. He didn't want to be right. He really didn’t.

They should've listened to Asriel all those months ago.

"We'll find our phone and get out," Lyra said when Pan crawled onto her chest, kneading her skin agitatedly before finally settling down. She felt it too, anger blooming once more now that she was distanced from the situation. The fear was still there, just easier to push down. "She can't keep us here forever. When she goes out we'll get it."

She could feel Pan's agreement. She hugged him to her chest again, holding him as close as possible. The closeness helped them both, Pans turbulent emotions gradually settling down to a more stable disgust and sorrow. She ran fingers through his coarse hair and stared up at the ceiling, eyes tracing the intricate gold light fittings before fluttering down to the perfectly fitting room contents.

Now where they'd seen beauty, they only saw coldness. In all its perfection it felt impersonal. Like it was just a beautiful picture, a model flat that one one lived inside. Everything was so perfectly clean and anything personal, to show it was Mrs Coulter's beyond the dignified design, must be hidden in her private rooms. It didn't feel like a home.

She missed her real home, small and worn but filled with life, especially in the recent years. There was warmth in the clutter her and Asriel left all around and her room was her own, messy and filled with everything she loved. When Asriel was there the flat was filled with his presence, his booming laughter bouncing against the walls and heavy steps lulling Lyra to sleep. It didn't matter where she was, she could hear him or see him, because their place was so small that they were never that far apart. Even when she was alone there was a comfort in that, she knew every nook and cranny and had filled it with whatever she wanted.

She missed it.

But she missed her father most of all.

-

It only took two days for Lyra to find a way to escape.

After a whole day spent with Mrs Coulter, pushing down the disgust vibrating under their skin every time the golden monkey came near, she was finally left alone again. Mrs Coulter went to work in the early evening with strict instructions for Lyra to stay at the flat, be good and do her work. She'd even promised to bring back cake when she was back. Lyra had nodded demurely and even obediently given Mrs Coulter a hug, Pan submitting to a light stroke from the monkey on his head.

Of course that wasn't going to actually stop Lyra. Mrs Coulter's Daemon wouldn't be able to touch Pan again if she made it back to Oxford. She just needed to find her phone then she'd leave. It's not like Mrs Coulter could lock her in the flat.

"Let's try her office first," Pan hissed, stalking down the corridor as a fox. Lyra followed after him, feet thudding on the marble corridor and echoing around the spacious hallway. It felt eery, too much space with too little in it. She tried the office door, kicking it with a growl when it didn't open.

"Of course it's locked!"

Pan flicked his fluffy tail against her leg, looking up at her with sharp yellow eyes. "When has that ever stopped us?"

Lyra grinned. A locked door was easy, she just had to find the right tools to get in. The kitchen would be the best place to look, maybe she could find a small enough knife... Or the bathroom where she could check all those fancy metal items Mrs Coulter used for skin care.

"Lyra, look!" Pan nudged a loose grill with his nose, turning into a mouse to slip inside. "This leads into the vents! There's handholds and everything... No wonder the monkey got into our room so easily."

Lyra crouched down and pushed the grate aside, pulling herself in. Pan buzzed in front of her as a firefly, helping her see a bit better when they weren't right next to a grate. Lyra crawled her way through easily before swinging out at Mrs Coulter's office, climbing down a handily designed art piece right in front of the office grate.

Pan was all over the desk in an instant, careful not to touch anything as he scoured it from above. Lyra pulled out the drawers as he did, rummaging through them. There! In the bottom drawer sat her phone. She grabbed it and hauled herself back through the vents, Pan behind her this time.

"Now we can leave," Lyra stuffed her phone into her pocket, grabbing the backpack she'd stuffed essentials into the night before and hidden under her bed.

How they were going to get back to Oxford was something they'd figure out when they were far enough from the flat that Mrs Coulter couldn't easily find her. She hurried through the bustling streets with Pan curled around her neck, sticking close together to make sure they didn't get separated in the crowds. She needed to get somewhere quieter to plan their next move.

It wasn't difficult for her to find the park she'd gone to last time, wandering in far enough that she couldn't see the streets before finding a bench to sit down on. Pan leapt down onto her lap, shifting into a pine marten. Dusk had fallen, the sun beginning to fade below the horizon. She pulled out her phone with a shaky breath and held it out in front of her. Eventually she navigated to her father's number.

She wasn't going to give in before, refusing to make the first contact, but now all she wanted was to hear his voice. To go home.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

"This number is not reachable. Please leave a message after the tone."

Lyra hung up right away. What was the point in having a father if she couldn't even reach him? Did he even care? He must not, since he'd seemingly forgotten she existed the past two weeks. Fuck! She wanted to throw her phone on the ground, Pan's steady paw on her hand just stopping her.

If she couldn't reach Asriel, who could help her?

"Call Will," Pan whispered in her ear. He paced in her lap with his ears pricked, fur spiked up.

"Of course! He'll be able to help!"

She didn't want to worry her friends, even though she'd considered calling Will before, but now he was the only person who'd be able to help her get out. She didn't have any money to get a train ticket or a room for the night, and she knew that Roger wouldn't either. But Will had parents - lovely ones who'd always seemed willing to help Lyra. Maybe they'd do that now if Will asked.

Then she'd repay them later.

Beep, beep, beep, click-

"Lyra? Why are you calling so late?"

"Will!" Lyra was so glad to hear his calm, if confused, voice at the other end of the line. "You e'nt busy are you?"

"I'm not," Will said warmly, Kirjava purring audible in the background. "I was just reading in bed. Is something up?"

Of course Will could tell something was wrong, he always could. "Y'know how I said I was going away with dad's friend? Well, I'm not so sure she's his friend after all... Uh..."

"Just tell him," Pan whispered when Lyra was tongue tied for once. It was more difficult to talk about than she expected. She hated being vulnerable.

"She e'nt nice at all. I need to get back to Oxford but I e'nt got any money. She... She hurt Pan, Will. Had her Daemon do it. It was horrible."

"I'm sorry, Lyra. Of course I'll help, let me grab my laptop. I have enough to cover a ticket."

"I'll pay you back," Lyra replied, sharing a look with Pan. Will had been the right choice.

"I can get you from the station too," Will said, clattering heard from the other end of the line. Eventually it seemed like he put his phone on speaker, Kirjava's voice coming through much clearer too.

"Are you doing alright, Pan?"

"I'm fine," Pan leaned up into the phone, fur puffing out. He hissed as he continued. "I hate him. I could've won if he hadn't caught me by surprise."

Both knew that wasn't true, but they'd never admit it.

"We won't see them again," Lyra said fiercely, holding Pan against her chest. She suddenly stood up, pacing as agitation filled her. "I'll leave London and never look back. It's for her safety cause I'll scratch her before letting her near!"

"You're far braver than me," Will laughed slightly. "How soon can you get to the station? There's a train in two hours with availability."

"That's easy, I'll-" Lyra spun round towards the main path and froze. No.

"You'll? Lyra? Lyra, are you there?"

"Hello, Lyra."

Mrs Coulter stood only a few paces in front of her, sinisterly beautiful smile on her scarlet lips. Her monkey snarled at her side, sharp teeth bared. The same teeth that had torn into Pan.

"How did you find me?" Lyra's voice trembled. She stepped back, gripping Pan tight against her chest. Her phone slipped out of her hand and thudded to the ground, Will's increasingly concerned voice muffled.

"I have my ways." Mrs Coulter tittered, smile widening. She stalked towards Lyra. Lyra took a step back for each one Mrs Coulter took forward, desperately backing away. Solid wood hit the back of her knees, and she had nowhere else to go. "Come now, Lyra darling, it'll be much easier if you just come home."

"No," Lyra shooked her head fervently even though she was trapped, Mrs Coulter looming over her. Her monkey sat on her shoulder, never looking away from Pan. "No, I e'nt going back with you! That en’t my home!"

"You really are so stubborn, dear. I should've expected it. Like father, like daughter, I suppose. You were much too obedient this morning. I should have known. But no matter, I've found you now after your little attempt at running away. We're going home now."

Before Lyra could protest further Mrs Coulter shot forward, grabbing Lyra’s wrist. Her grip tightened until Lyra winced, pain burning through her. The golden monkey surged forward to grab Pan right out of her hair. Pan shifted with a yowl into a wildcat, screaming as sharp teeth dug into the scruff of his neck. He struggled to no avail, just as Lyra couldn't break free of Mrs Coulter. How could someone so graceful be so strong? She wanted to kick and scream but she couldn't, because it would be all too easy for the monkey's teeth to pierce through Pan's skin. His fear heightened every moment in the monkey;s mouth.

Still holding Lyra's wrist, Mrs Coulter bent down to pick up Lyra's phone with a soft sigh. "How clumsy. Lyra can't come to the phone right now, thank you."

"Will!"

It was already too late. Mrs Coulter slipped Lyra’s phone into her pocket. "Come with me now, Lyra."

Lyra wasn't exactly given a choice, practically dragged back through the park by Mrs Coulter and shoved in the waiting car. She pressed herself against the opposite door, watching fearfully as Mrs Coulter stepped round to the driver's seat. The monkey hopped in beside Lyra, Pan still held in his mouth. Lyra's heart ached, yearning to touch Pan, him yearning to touch her, but being unable to.

The short drive back was spent in sullen silence, Pan and Lyra's panicked thoughts to each other getting them nowhere. She was forced to follow back into the flat, because she had to go with Pan, and Pan wasn't able to run away. Each step further into the hallway filled her with dread, sinking into the pit of her stomach. Pan's disgust and fear burned through her.

"Now, Lyra," Mrs Coulter sat down on the sofa, one leg crossed over the other and hands clasped in front of her. Lyra refused to meet her eye, staring at her feet. She just wanted Pan back in her arms. Safe. Away from the monkey’s horrible jaw. "I thought I'd already told you to not leave without my permission. You agreed to that, didn't you? Do you know how upset I was to come home and not find you there?"

"I'm sorry," Lyra mumbled, mind working quickly for lies to cover it up. She could at least pretend she wasn't trying to run away (which was ridiculous, this wasn't even her home). The sooner this was over the sooner she'd have Pan in her arms again. She forcefully evened out her breath, ignoring the pounding in her ears and tightening of her throat. "I just wanted some fresh air, is all. We weren't going out for long, then my friend called and I lost track of time."

"Hmm," Mrs Coulter's lips twisted upwards, eyes cold. With a slight inclination of her head the monkey's claws dug into Pan's side. Phantom pain raking across Lyra's side. She gritted her teeth against a groan, refusing to show any more weakness in front of her. "Do you really think that's a good enough reason, dear?"

"No," Lyra lied with every fibre of her being, shifting on her feet like someone who felt guilty for doing something wrong. She didn't feel guilty, just frustrated and upset, but she had to pretend. Pretend and pretend until Mrs Coulter let them go. So that she didn't hurt Pan anymore. "I'm sorry, I won't do it again."

"I hope not." Mrs Coulter's expression didn't waver. The monkey dug his teeth into Pan's skin, enough to sting. "I expect better of you, Lyra. I know you can do better. I don't like hurting you like this, darling, so I hope you'll be more obedient. Can you do that?"

"I can."

"Good." Mrs Coulter's smile turned more charming and she leaned forward, caressing lyra's cheek. With a slight nod Pan was released, flying up to Lyra's shoulder before burying himself into her neck. She took a deep breath to steady herself against the crashing wave of his emotions. "Now off to bed. I don't want to see you out of your room until tomorrow."

Lyra was all too glad to flee to her room, slamming the door shut and collapsing against her bed. Pan pressed as close to her as he could, fur against skin, as if trying to merge into one. His hurt tore at them both, a deep ache beyond the physical pain.

She just didn't understand. Mrs Coulter should've been out till much later and she shouldn't have been able to find Lyra so easily. She'd even made sure she wasn't seen on her way out!

"How did she find me?" Lyra huffed, stroking Pan aggressively. He was a pine marten again, teeth bared and claws digging into her legs. "I didn't tell her where I went before, so how..."

"Your phone," Pan hissed suddenly, remembering all the times Lyra had handed it over without concern. "I think she was tracking it!"

Just like that everything fell into place. The way Mrs Coulter had just coincidentally bumped into Lyra when she knew Asriel was away, how she was so angry when Lyra went out before - because she couldn't track her.

"She installed somethin' on it," Lyra muttered, only feeling worse for it. Why? She was just the daughter of someone Mrs Coulter knew, so why did she go to such lengths to keep her trapped her? She wasn't some perfect child... She knew herself well enough for that. It didn't make any sense and she hated it, struggling to fight back despair and tears at the frustration of it all. "Why's she so obsessed with me, Pan? I e'nt anything to her! I just don't understand."

"I don't know."

Of course he didn't, because how could he know something she didn't?

"We'll be okay," Lyra mumbled eventually, holding Pan close, the only source of comfort to her through so much, just as she was to him. Questioning it only made her frustrated and upset. She wasn't going to get the answers she wanted. It didn't matter anyway. "We always are."

-

From then on, whenever Mrs Coulter went out alone she would lock Lyra in her bedroom. Lyra couldn't even pick the lock - the golden monkey had seen to that, scouring her room for anything she could use to get out. The window was locked too.

Lyra was pretty sure it was illegal to lock a child in a room, especially one that wasn't your own, but she had no way of telling anyone.

"We'll find a way out," Pan mumbled, rubbing his spotted face against her cheek. "She can't keep us locked up forever."

"No, she can't." Lyra buried her face in his fur to push away the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes. She felt hopeless, a deep despairing feeling that she hated the most. Powerless, weak... But she wouldn't give up. "Will knows now. He'll help, I'm sure of it. We just have to be patient."

Patience wasn't her strong point but she had no other choice. She could just wait, bide her time, and eventually Mrs Coulter would slip up. Then she'd get away for good this time.

-

Sometimes Mrs Coulter was so nice and affectionate that Lyra almost forgot what had happened, then on other days the slightest mistake was enough for her to set the golden monkey on Pan, the pain from him twisting Pan's flesh becoming all too familiar. She felt like she was constantly walking a tightrope without any training, learning to watch Mrs Coulter and her monkey’s expressions for the slightest of changes to avoid plummeting to her death. She could tell when to be as obedient as she possibly could, trying to be that perfect child Mrs Coulter wanted around, and when she could relax just a little bit.

It made her feel sick, like her insides were twisting, because she was suppressing her whole being to be like this. It was better than Pan being hurt, though, the disgust and pain each time the monkey grabbed him was far worse than the constant nausea in the pit of her stomach. Every time her rebellious nature flared up Pan would suffer for it, and her with him. She hated it.

They were burning with a need to beat them, but they couldn't. She was just a child, after all, and Pan was no match for an adult’s daemon. She hated that most of all.

"Come sit with me, Lyra dear."

Lyra was diligently reading a book, sitting on the floor with her back against the sofa opposite the one Mrs Coulter had just gracefully collapsed on. Lyra's fingers twitched, Pan burrowing into her shirt and pressing against her skin. It helped her control herself, to stop herself from refusing right away. She really didn't want to, but she had to.

She put her book down, not even bothering to mark the page she was at because she'd hardly been reading it anyway. Pan would remember for her. He stayed inside her shirt, clinging to it with his little rat claws, whiskers tickling her.

"How was work?" Lyra asked carefully, sitting beside Mrs Coulter. She'd learned that showing interest was good, but not too much about the specifics - when she'd tried questioning Mrs Coulter about her work beyond that it looked at dark matter she'd been told she was far too young to understand. With Asriel she'd push, but with Mrs Coulter... A suffocating fear, trapping Pan and her in its clutches, stopped her.

"Some progress was made, so I suppose it wasn't too bad," Mrs Coulter smiled charmingly. She leaned over into Lyra’s space, running fingers through her thick hair. She seemed to enjoy this, as if Lyra was her own little pet, to command and caress. It was so strange when Mrs Coulter never touched her own Daemon. "But enough about that. It's the weekend now, I'd rather not worry about work. I'm more interested in what you were doing, darling."

"I did all my worksheets, then I were reading."

"Was," Mrs Coulter corrected. "I was reading. Good, it's so lovely to see you being so diligent. I hope you'll keep it up for the party tomorrow."

"I will." She would on the surface, because Lyra didn't want Pan to bear the consequences of her messing up. But it was also their best opportunity to get out, when Mrs Coulter and her monkey would be too distracted to keep a constant eye on them.

"Good." Mrs Coulter's smile was radiant, lighting up her entire face. She massaged Lyra's scalp, gentle fingers rubbing circles. Lyra relaxed into it even as she tried to resist. "You're so lovely and intelligent Lyra, you know that. I'm so glad to have you with me, you're the most delightful company. I care very much about you, I hope you know that."

She wanted to believe it, struggling against the dizzying affection that had captured her in the first place, but she knew she couldn't. Mrs Coulter could be so nice, but it was conditional, and she'd change in the blink of an eye.

"I do," Lyra whispered, leaning into Mrs Coulter's hand for effect. Pan tensed against her skin, scaly tail twitching. "I know that."

It was an easy lie to tell.

-

When the day of Mrs Coulter's party finally came, Lyra felt relief and dread in equal measures. She hoped that after it Mrs Coulter would be more predictable, less stressed and likely to lose it at any moment. But at the same time the last place Lyra wanted to be was a party filled with old, rich people being paraded around like some kind of exotic animal.

It had been two weeks since she'd followed Mrs Coulter to London, running away from Oxford, and five days since she'd attempted to run from the very place she'd first run to. She didn't know what was going on outside of her small, horrible bubble and she feared Mrs Coulter too much to try and find out. It was this fear that had her submitted to being dressed up so easily, clutching both her and Pan whenever the golden monkey moved closer.

"You look beautiful," Mrs Coulter hummed, fingers curling over Lyra's shoulders as she looked at them in the full length mirror. "I knew you would with a little bit of makeup and styling."

Lyra looked at herself in the mirror and couldn't see it. Her hair had been pulled back into two French braids that ended in short ponytails, tied with delicate butterfly designed hairbands. Light pink had been dabbed on her sun tanned cheeks and her lips painted a soft pink to match. Her dress was a deep blue satin, with a white sash across the middle and silver decorations across the shoulders. It was far too tight around her arms, limiting her movement, and the skirt fell below her knees. Pan sat on her shoulder as a matching blue butterfly, a form where he could easily hide his emotions.

To her, she just didn't look like herself.

Especially when compared to Mrs Coulter. Her low cut emerald gown fit perfectly on her straight, elegant frame and her hair spilled across her shoulders in perfect curls. Lyra felt in awe, just like she had when they first met. It was difficult to push down the feeling.

She'd wanted to be like that before. Not anymore.

"Now why don't you go see if the drinks are ready? The guests will be arriving any minute now, and they'll need refreshments. Be a dear and help serve them."

Lyra hurried off.

Soon the flat was filled with people, loud conversations and laughter bombarding Lyra's ears. She carefully weaved between people, offering up little glasses of champagne and smiling sweetly at their compliments. Pan kept an eye on Mrs Coulter from her shoulder, watching as she worked the room with an ease that Lyra couldn't help but be impressed by. She had all the men fawning over her and the women, of which there were a smaller number, seemed almost as enamoured.

"Oh you look lovely, dear," an older (but no less glamorous) lady said, taking a fizzing glass with a crooked smile. "Are you Marisa's daughter? How lovely of you to help her out."

"I e'n- I'm not." Lyra quickly corrected herself at Pan's warning, the monkey close enough to hear and report back anything she said. What did she say she was to Mrs Coulter? She didn't really know what their relationship was now. Ah well, she'd just lie with what she'd thought was the case. "My father's her friend and she took me under her wing, I guess."

"Lovely," the lady smiled. Lyra wondered if that was her favourite word. Even Lyra had a larger vocabulary and she slept through most of her English classes. "How lovely indeed."

Lyra just smiled before excusing herself. Her ears pricked as she neared Mrs Coulter, picking up snippets of her conversation - most importantly, her name.

And Asriel’s.

She snuck closer, inspecting the man Mrs Coulter was talking to, leaning so close they practically touched. He was just a bit taller than her, with dark skin and hair, wearing a slight but charming smile. His gaze didn’t leave Mrs Coulter for a moment. His snake daemon wrapped around his neck, tongue flicking out.

Pan shuddered on her shoulder, disgust spiking in her chest - but a snake daemon wasn’t so bad? She didn’t understand-

“You must be Lyra,” a rough voice, like sandpaper, interrupted her thoughts. She turned around with a fake, sweet smile. A bald man stared at her with a smile that made her immediately uncomfortable. His lizard daemon silently watched. Behind him was a taller, gaunt man, with a beetle daemon clung to his face. Both wore black suits and clerical collars - religious men, Lyra supposed, not that she knew much about that. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

“I am,” Lyra replied, trying to keep Pan’s nerves under control. He didn’t like either of the men - nor did she. “Who did you hear about me from?”

“Mrs Coulter, of course. She talks about you constantly.”

Lyra nodded absentmindedly, distracted by Pan’s rising disdain. She could feel the gaze of the man with a beetle daemon on her, like ants crawling across her skin and burrowing into her flesh. It clung to her and didn’t let go, probing. Bile rose in her throat. She'd never felt so disgusted.

“-Would you like that Lyra?”

“Huh?” Lyra hadn’t heard anything he’d said, panic rising in her chest under the other man’s stare. She wanted to run, skin crawling. She took a step backwards reflectively.

Pan hissed in her mind, and she felt another gaze on her - a warning one. The golden monkey. She was trapped between two situations she wanted to be out of, hands clenching her skirt and palms sweating. She needed to get out, she’d just deal with-

A loud bang drew attention away from her, Mrs Coulter's head snapping towards the door. She seemed to only pay half attention to what the man beside her was saying. Muffled talking came down the corridor, getting louder and louder.

"Quite alright... No... Marisa knows... Can't stop me-"

Pan twitched on her shoulder, noting the golden monkeys lack of attention to them right now. Lyra had the same thought watching Mrs Coulter barely cover the flash of annoyance across her perfectly decorated face.

A perfect time to slip out.

"Marisa, how could you not tell me about such a wonderful party? We're old friends, are we not?"

The booming, harsh voice was one that Lyra would recognise anywhere. Her head jolted towards the living room entrance.

"Father," Lyra whispered, further words caught in her throat. She felt choked up and frozen on the spot, unable to believe he was actually there. Pan's delicate wings trembled on her shoulder. It had only been a few weeks, but it felt like it had been months since they saw them.

He'd actually come to get her.

Asriel looked like he'd come here straight from an expedition, with a ragged beard and hair beginning to curl around his ears. He was still wearing his travel clothes too, mud stained trousers and a battered brown leather jacket. His chest heaved with every breath he took and his expression was dark with anger. Stelmaria stood taut at his side, teeth bared and claws out. Her tail swished from side to side and her deadly gaze flickered around the room. Both stood powerfully, filling the entire room with their harsh presence.

"Asriel," Mrs Coulter said frostily, the smile on her lips a horribly fake one Lyra easily recognised. "Who let you in? I don't recall inviting you. Get out at once."

"I don't think I will, I'm afraid." Asriel's lips pulled back to reveal his teeth, more of a snarl than a smile. His eyes were filled with savage danger. Lyra wasn't sure she'd ever seen him this angry, but it was an anger much colder than normal. "Where's my-"

Stelmaria flicked her tail against his leg. "Asriel, there."

Asriel dark eyes zoned in on Lyra and she shivered under the full weight of his fierce gaze. She couldn't move, couldn't talk, still trying to process everything. Her father's anger scared her and infuriated her, stopping her from running to him right away. The golden monkey was so close too, he just had to reach out to grab Pan, she didn't want him hurt again, she couldn't reach father first- Instead Asriel took a step towards her.

Mrs Coulter was faster and closer, reaching Lyra before she could move. Harsh fingers clamped down on her wrist. Pan buried into her hair, making himself as small as possible so he couldn't be caught.

"Marisa, let her go." Asriel barked, face darkening even further. Stelmaria snarled, muscles taught as if she was ready to spring. Her gaze flickered constantly between Mrs Coulter and the monkey. Asriel looked at Lyra again, eyes softening slightly. "Lyra."

Lyra shivered, struggling to believe that his harsh anger wasn’t directed at her. Pan trembled on her shoulder, desperately wanting to go to Stelmaria, but scared too. It was a fear that clung to her where she’d previously had none in the face of such rage. It held her back even as her chest ached and yearning filled her. She'd missed him so much, but she was scared.

Mrs Coulter's fingers digging viciously into her wrist. Sharp pain stabbed through her, snapping Lyra out of her frozen stupor.

No, she didn't care if he was angry. He wouldn’t hurt her like Mrs Coulter did. He never had, he only ranted and raved until one of them gave in. She'd sit through hours of him shouting if she had to, all she wanted right now was to be in his arms. Nothing else mattered.

Lyra ripped herself from Mrs Coulter's grasp, not caring about the nails that raked down her skin, and sprinted towards Asriel. Pan leapt from her arms and turned into a snow leopard cub mid jump, pitiful mewls escaping his mouth. Both collided with their parents, Lyra barrelling into Asriel's chest and Pan pressing into Stelmaria's side.

Asriel stumbled, quickly kneeling down to her level and pulling her flush against him. He'd never hugged her back so quickly. His muscular arms wrapped around her protectively and he tucked her head under his chin. Lyra tried to be strong, but it was all too much at once, father holding her close and Stelmaria wrapping her paws around Pan, relief overwhelming them and flooding out Lyra’s eyes as tears. Finally she felt safe enough to show how she felt. Her thoughts and emotions turned incoherent as she cried.

"Da- dad, dad," Lyra sobbed in his arms, pressing her face into his wool jumper. He smelled like the wilderness, a harsh musty smell that filled her nostrils and made her feel safe again. She didn't care about anything else right now, just burrowing against him and curling her fingers in his jumper. Pan pressed himself into Stelmaria, whimpering. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'll never run away again, please-"

"Sh, Lyra, it's ok," Asriel stroked her back with a gentleness she hadn't felt from him before, holding her close in his strong arms. She could still feel his restrained anger in the way his muscles tensed and tightness of his jaw, but he spoke to her in as soft a tone as seemed possible for him. His warm, powerful body shielded her from the rest of the room, hiding her tears and making her feel safe. "I'm here now. You're safe, I'm here."

In the background she could hear people's whispers, the footsteps of them being ushered out, but Lyra didn't care. She could hardly think of anything else.

"Sh, it's alright." Asriel continued to speak to her soothingly, just as Stelmaria did to Pan, rubbing up and down her back. Stelmaria licked Pan softly, pressing him into her side.

"Asriel-"

"Marisa, don't," Asriel cut Mrs Coulter off before she could say anything, biting tone grating on Lyra's ears. She shivered against him, trying to fight down the fear that clutched her at that sickly sweet voice, hiding a danger, and the harshness of her father who might decide to leave her here. Asriel gently held the sides of her arms, pulling her away from his chest to look at her closely. "Lyra, you need to go now. Thorold will take you to the car."

"No, no, no, I'm not leaving you- I don't want to leave you!" Lyra shook her head, fingers clinging to her fathers jumper as tightly as she could. She felt like she was suffocating, a dark wave of fear coming over her and Pan. She couldn't be left alone again, she didn't want to be abandoned. "Don't leave me, please."

"Lyra, look at me." Asriel's voice was so quiet, and his eyes filled with tender comfort. "I'm not angry with you. I'll be with you soon. I just need to talk to Mar- Mrs Coulter alone first. You know and trust Thorold, don't you? Be a good girl for me, and wait in the car. I won't be long."

We should do as he says, Pan thought to her, reluctantly tearing himself away from Stelmaria to leap into Lyra's arms. Lyra held him close and reluctantly detached herself from Asriel. She didn't want to leave the safety of his hold, but she could feel Mrs Coulter's gaze burning into her back. I want to get away from her.

Me too. Lyra wanted nothing more than to get away from this place. She just wanted to go with her father... But she’d do as he said. It was fine, as long as they got out. She embraced Pan to her chest.

So she let Thorold lead her away, his gentle words muffled and the hand on her shoulder barely felt.

Chapter Text

After Asriel had made sure Lyra was gone, safely out of Marisa's grasp, he turned his attention to the woman herself. All the fury he'd pushed down in front of Lyra burst to the surface again, raging across his face. Stelmaria snarled at his side, deadly claws digging into plush carpets and teeth bared in preparation to dig into the golden monkey's flesh. The image of Lyra's tears and Pans trembling was vivid in both of their minds, fueling their anger.

It was clear that his fears had become a reality, that Marisa had sunk her claws into his daughter and damaged her in ways only she could. He'd known with each day he was stuck in Svalbard, at the whims of the raging storm trapping him in his old lab, that the chances of Marisa showing her true self to Lyra increased. Even a day in her care, if it could be called that, was too much. It was why he'd left as soon as he could, even though the weather was barely clear and conditions weren’t safe. But it was no longer a certain death to leave and he knew he had to get to Lyra. Each hour spent travelling felt like days. He'd been so intent on travelling as quickly as possible he hadn't even realised he had signal again - hell bent on getting to Lyra.

He should never have left in the first place.

That couldn't be rectified, but he could make sure Marisa never came near Lyra again.

Asriel stalked towards Marisa, Stelmaria snarling by his side. His voice trembled with no longer restrained anger, sharp and vicious. "How dare you take my daughter."

Marisa scoffed, tilting her head up to glare at him. He was only slightly taller than her with her heels, but his large frame meant he loomed over her. "Our daughter, Asriel. How quickly you forget who her mother is. You didn't carry her around for 9 months."

"No, but I raised her for eleven more years than you. Don't pretend to care about her now. You chose to leave. You were the one that didn't want her!"

"Raised her? I'd hardly call what you did raising her."

"What else would be called? I fed her, housed her, clothed her and looked after her. It's a lot more than you did."

"Look at her, Asriel! She's a vulgar brat! She doesn't know a speck of manners, raises her voice at adults all the time and doesn't care about coating herself in mud! You may have done the bare minimum but you certainly didn't raise her well. I have never seen such a coarse child. She'll only get worse as she ages, she's barely even hit her rebellious years. She's practically half wild!"

Asriel couldn't hold back a laugh, rumbling up from his chest. There was anger in it as well as amusement. Marisa knew exactly what kind of person he was when they got together, yet here she was berating their daughter for so many of his traits.

"You laugh now, but you'll regret it soon enough." Marisa's voice went up a pitch, painfully shrill. "She'll be drinking and doing drugs, fraternising with boys, and end up dropping out of school.. That's the path you've set our daughter on! I've tried to correct that, to teach her how to properly behave, but she's made it so difficult! Lyra needs an actual parent to raise her, Asriel."

"Hah." Asriel clenched his fist to keep a lid on his temper, because as soon as he completely lost it she won. He was seething with anger, Stelmaria tense and growling at his side. "You just want to control her, Marisa! Lyra's a brat, I'll give you that, but she's a smart one. I've given her freedom because it's what she needs, but I've disciplined her where I had to. Don't you dare judge my parenting as if you know anything."

"It's because I love her! She's my daughter, and oh how obvious that is. She got our worst traits, Asriel, and no amount of freedom will fix that! If only I could teach her then she could be something truly special. You're setting her up for failure."

"I'm letting her live the life she wants. I love Lyra for who she is, not who I want her to be."

"That's unfair, Asriel. I just don't want her to repeat my past mistakes."

Asriel sneered. He knew exactly which mistake she meant - him. It was their affair that had been the turning point in her life, from society pariah to entrenched in scandal. "Ah yes, your mistakes. Like abandoning your partner and child? Choosing status over her?"

"I was young," Marisa snapped, golden monkey tense beside her. "I gave up so much to have Lyra! I gave up my PhD and I spent two years putting my life on hold for her. Didn't I deserve something after that?"

"I would have supported you," Asriel growled. It was like he'd been unwillingly brought back to years ago, when he'd tried to convince Marisa to stay. "I promised to. You could have done everything you wanted with me. But you never let me make good on my word."

"You know you couldn't, Asriel. Your salary was barely enough for us to get by. We were too young and unprepared."

"But not too young to be married and having an affair," Asriel sneered. "I made it work for just me and Lyra."

"It wasn't enough for the three of us."

"Of course not. So you gladly chose to join the very people who would love to see Lyra and me dead, because they offered you the power and riches you wanted."

"I didn't do it gladly," Marisa's voice trembled, thick with emotion that Asriel doubted she felt. "I never stopped caring for her."

"Marisa." He raked a hand through his hair, teeth grinding together. He'd let her derail him too easily from the focus, which was not their past, but their present. "Your reasons don't change anything! You have no right to kidnap Lyra - and that's what it was, Marisa, kidnapping."

"No right? I am her mother. I have as much rights to her as you do! "

"But you don't. You gave those up in court when you abandoned us." Though a mother's parental rights could never be relinquished, Marisa had given up as much as possible - something that had angered Asriel then, but he was glad of now. "You're lyra's mother in name only, nothing more."

"I wasn't in the right state of mind when I gave her up. She only reminded me of the shame of it all. "

"Shame? What shame?" Asriel scoffed, voice thick with anger. It surged from deep within him, one he thought he'd finally put to rest. But talking about the past made it feel fresh again. "Lyra was a child born of our love, how could she be anything but a blessing!"

"A widow whose husband had died under mysterious circumstances, living with her affair partner and baby? Of course she brought me shame! I was the laughingstock of society, Asriel. My reputation was in ruins. It was all too much for me to bear."

"Too much for you to bear? What about Lyra, who grew up without a mother? Who had to spend all that time alone so I could protect her? What about her?"

"I wouldn't have been a good mother then."

"You're right. You still won't be. Once I might have given you a chance, but distance makes it easier to see things that I ignored before. I don't want you in our lives, especially Lyra's."

Even though he still loved her, something he'd once hoped would fade just as his anger towards her betrayal had. Now he accepted it would always be there, clinging to him like a parasite. It hurt to have to give up the opportunity for reconciliation, because he'd love to hold her in his arms again. But he knew Marisa very well and knew exactly what kind of person she was. She could not be a good mother, and he was no longer the man who would just allow that. Lyra was more important than any feelings he still had. She had become his priority from the moment Marisa had left them both, and that was something that would never change. He had made the decision to try to be a good father.

"I don't ever want to see you near Lyra again, Marisa." Each word was punctuated by a growl from the back of Stelmaria's throat, Asriel's eyes flashing darkly. "Stay away from her. Stay away from us both. I want nothing to do with you."

Marisa's expression wavered, corners of her eyes reddening. Her lips shook with a delicate smile. She stepped forward and grasped Asriel's arm before he could leave. Elegant tears trickled down her cheeks, in a single line from the corner of her eyes. She looked like a beautiful painting.

"Asriel, please." Her talented fingers stroked his bicep then squeezed, stirring up long past memories that he forcefully pushed right back down where they belonged. He wasn't the same man he had been, when each provocation led to passionate words and even more passionate nights, when he loved her and was like her. Once he'd wanted her more than he had Lyra, the child he was suddenly saddled with after a mistake, but not anymore. She couldn't sway him. "I regret leaving you both then. I thought it was right at the time for us all, but I was wrong. I want to be a mother, Asriel. I realised that when I saw Lyra again. My daughter, so grown up! I should have stayed and watched her grow up. I know I can't change the past, but I want to be there now. I want my darling daughter. I truly regret leaving."

How easy it was for her to change tunes, switching from arguing to pleading in seconds. Typical. She spun quite the tale. Her tears would work on other men so easily, but not him. He knew who she was, who she always had been. He'd never once pitied her but instead always seen her as an equal. Not that fake tears were anything to pity.

"But you don't, Marisa," he growled, grabbing her arms and holding her away from him. He wouldn't let it go like all their arguments had gone before, back when they were together. His anger wouldn't reduce. "You just want a prolific man on your arm and an obedient daughter to mould in your image. Don't lie to me, not about your ambitions and regret, I won't be fooled. I never was. I know what you're really like, Marisa, don't think I've forgotten in all these years. "

And he'd loved her for it, once, when they'd been on the same heinous path.

Lyra was more important than either of their ambitions, something he'd been forced to learn while raising her. He would not let Marisa have her.

Marisa's gaze sharpened, eyes turning cold even as a twisted smile formed on her lips. Tears still stained her face. "I wouldn't exactly call you prolific, Asriel. Not like you once were. You had a much better future when we were first together."

"And who's fault is it that I lost my family fortune?" Asriel snorted, letting go of her and stepping away. Almost two years of legal bills to prove himself innocent for something he didn't do, only to be stabbed in the back by Marisa once she realised how much his funds were dwindling. He was innocent, but not enough, and had to pay monetary compensation to the grieving family. How ridiculous.

"It's not me who's pursuing fruitless research projects," Marisa shrugged one shoulder gracefully. "Leaving our darling Lyra behind, I heard. You act like a good father when you practically abandoned her too."

"I refuse to talk about this again. I won't go round in circles with you arguing about Lyra, because it won't change anything. You have no right to see Lyra and I won't let you near her again."

"Stubborn as always." Marisa smiled weakly, expression softening momentarily. "But I'm not lying, Asriel. I do regret it. I- I want her, I've grown fond of her, she's my daughter... And I never stopped wanting you."

Asriel curled his fingers into Stelmaria's fur for support, struggling harder against this than he had any false tears. Because in this rare moment of vulnerability he could tell that she was being genuine. He didn't know what happened in the past week, but clearly Marisa had grown fond of Lyra - just it was in her own twisted way, which would only further hurt their daughter.

"If you truly do care for Lyra, then do what's best for her. Stay away."

He had failed Lyra, but he would make sure to never do so again. He'd protect from anything that may harm her, even (especially) her mother.

"Goodbye, Marisa."

He left without looking back.

-

It felt like Lyra was waiting for hours, watching the car clock move forward minute by minute. Pan clung to her dress under the thick puffy jacket Thorold had given her to cover up, so large it fell to her knees. It smelt like Asriel even though she'd never seen him wear it - maybe it was for colder places only. She buried her face into the rough fabric and wrapped her arms around herself and Pan. When was he coming? Agitation danced across her skin and she shook her legs impatiently, twisting around to try and see further out the window.

Right now it was like she was detached from reality, not quite able to tell if this was real or not. Maybe it was a dream and she'd wake back up in that blue silk bed, having to face another day avoiding landmines. She knew that wasn't the case but her mind was floating, fuzziness encroaching her vision. Lyra felt weird and scared, Pan flickering between shapes against her chest because he couldn't quite find the one that fitted.

Nothing fit.

"Thorold, get ready to leave!"

Lyra's head snapped to the side in tandem with the door being pulled open, Asriel ducking to get inside. Stelmaria let out a low rumble in greeting before getting into the passenger seat. It wasn't what Lyra had expected, she'd assumed Stelmaria would be in the back, not Asriel. Maybe he preffered it here?

"Did you get everything sorted, sir?" Thorold asked, turning to look at Asriel.

"I did," Asriel grunted, running a hand through his hair. Lyra watched him carefully. His jaw was still tense and his lips were pressed together in a thin line. Still angry. But here. "I'm sure you have lots of questions, Lyra. I'll answer them all when we get back."

She did have loads of questions, swirling in her mind like a storm. She'd always have questions, from when she was young and Asriel constantly left for his work to the recent ones about Mrs Coulter. They'd pressed at her mind the last few days as she wondered why Mrs Coulter was so desperate to keep her.

But right now she wasn't sure if she could talk at all. Not without her voice cracking and a risk of crying again. She didn't want that.

So she just nodded.

"You're unusually quiet." Asriel frowned, quickly looking her over. His brow furrowed.

"M tired," Lyra mumbled, lying because she couldn't quite vocalise how she felt. Relief, she guessed, but the negative emotions still clung to her and Pan. She was tired, but not in the normal way. It choked her up and her eyes pricked with heat all over again.

Asriel's eyes narrowed as if trying to verify that, before glancing at Stelmaria. Eventually he stretched out his arm towards her, opening up a gap underneath it. "... Come here."

Lyra sniffed and burrowed herself into his side, legs tucked under her chin to try to make herself fit perfectly against him. He wrapped an arm around her, drawing her in closer. Lyra closed her eyes and tried to just concentrate on the solid weight of his arm, and the feeling of his warmth beside her. Just concentrate on her father being there.

She didn't want to cry again.

"Take us home, Thorold."

"Right away, sir."

Lyra looked up at Asriel with heavy eyes. "To Oxford?"

"Mm," Asriel reached over and buckled her in, before letting her get comfortable against him again. She snuggled up to him, the constant fear that had been plaguing her beginning to drift away the longer she felt his arms around her. She was actually safe and out of that horrid place. "Try and get some sleep if you can. It's a bit of a drive."

Lyra wanted to say that she didn't need to sleep (even though she'd used it as an excuse earlier), but it came out as a yawn instead. Asriel chuckled and patted her head, his large hand enveloping it. She relaxed into it and let her eyes close, soothed by his rough fingers rubbing her scalp. Exhaustion crashing into her now that she was finally safe. Asriel's warmth, enveloping her and Pan, pulled her to sleep.

When Lyra woke up she was in her father's arms, quiet murmurs and footsteps reaching her ears. She kept her eyes closed even though she knew, somehow, that Asriel wouldn't let her walk the rest of the way to the flat. He was being unnaturally nice to her.

Her leaving must've really scared him.

"Lyra, wake up." Asriel's rough words pulled her out of her half asleep daze, strong arms retracting from her waist. She blinked open sleep heavy eyes and looked around, confused. Pan poked his head out of the jacket with a squeak.

They were home.

She could feel the worn armchair underneath her, fingers tracing the tears made by Pan's claws. Framed photos swam in the corner of her vision. But most importantly, Asriel, crouching right in front of her with a hand on her knee. Stelmaria's head peered up from under his arm, soft gaze resting on Pan. Lyra smiled sleepily. She felt content, as if the last two weeks had been a bad dream, something she could just discard and forget. She was where she belonged and her father was here.

"I'm home."

Stelmaria let out a rumbling laughter and Asriel snorted, the corner of his mouth twitching up into a half smile. "I should hope so. I carried you here, after all."

"You're meant to say welcome home," Lyra whined, lightly kicking at his shin. He caught her foot before it connected. "I e'nt been home in so long so course I'ma be excited."

"I haven't been here either," Asriel retorted. He let go of her foot and stretched up, strolling over to the kitchen. Stelmaria took his place, hovering in front of Lyra's legs before lying at her feet.

Lyra was more awake now, taking in her surroundings properly. She noticed a couple of suitcases right beside the door that Thorold must have brought in while Asriel was carrying her. So he'd really come right to get her... Warmth sparked in her chest and she forced back a gleeful smile. Pan butted her chin with his head before pulling himself out of the jacket.

We're probably still in trouble, he complained as if he didn't feel much more relaxed too. He hopped off her legs and onto Stelmaria, nuzzling under her chin. Stelmaria languidly licked his fur. Each brush of her rough tongue across Pan's head sent shivers of relief through him, flooding Lyra. It felt like she was overriding the feeling of the monkey's touch, ridding Pan of the disgust that had clung to him.

Don't care, Lyra shot back, struggling to not get distracted by the comfort radiating off Pan. It soothed her too, her whole body relaxing from a tension she hadn't even realised she still held. I'm just glad to be back.

Pans agreement came in the form of a purr. He was a snow leopard again, pressing against Stelmaria in the perfect picture of a mother and cub - if a bit of a big cub now. Lyra's heart swelled. Pan's happiness was her happiness.

"Here." A mug was shoved rather unceremoniously in front of her. Lyra smelled the hot chocolate before she saw it, rich scent wafted into her nostrils.

"I e'nt had hot chocolate in a while," Lyra sighed, smiling brightly at Asriel. He'd sat down in his own chair, leaning forward to watch Lyra attentively. Maybe she should run away again if it got her this much attention- no, just once was enough. "Nobody makes it like you, dad."

"I just boiled a kettle and stirred in some chocolate powder. It's not astrophysics."

"You got it wrong the first time," Stelmaria rumbled, ears twitching. Lyra giggled at that, trying to imagine her father with no idea how to make hot chocolate. Maybe he poured in the whole tin.

Asriel ignored her comment. "Did she not feed you, for hot chocolate to be such a luxury?"

"She did... She fed us loads of fancy stuff, like those meals that come in five courses 'n tiny sizes. Just not hot chocolate. It was all posh stuff."

"Probably cause it's too warm for hot chocolate," Pan piped up. Lyra couldn't argue with that, but it didn't mean the warm mug in her hand didn't bring her comfort. People drank tea and coffee every season.

"She made me try loads of tea too. Oh, I was dragged around shopping- I left all the clothes behind! I liked some of those. Not the dresses though, they were so restrictive, I e'nt the dress type."

"I never liked them either. She was trying to change us."

"Yeah," Lyra agreed, looking at Pan and quickly shaking off the tendrils of fear that poked into her heart. "I got less clothes now, though, cause I didn't bring back my suitcase. Unless you got it?"

Asriel shook his head. "I'll take you shopping tomorrow."

"Really?" Lyras eyes lit up. Shopping with her dad! There was no way it'd be as boring as with Mrs Coulter, she bet they'd be in and out as quick as possible, but still! Asriel was going to take the time to go with her and buy her more clothes. He'd probably let her choose whatever she wanted. "I wanna get a whole new wardrobe!"

"Half her clothes have holes in them," Pan added, exaggerating just a little bit. Lyra was proud, he didn't normally join her in storytelling. "And the trousers are too short now."

"Yeah, I e'nt got new clothes in ages. Well except when Mrs Coulter took me shopping but I didn't really get to choose. Some was real comfy but loads was all fancy, I couldn't run about in them. Not that I got to run about much. I miss the roofs... What if someone's stolen our spot!"

"I very much doubt that," Asriel replied drily.

"I dunno, there's some stiff competition with the birds and the likes! Pan always gets upset if they're in his spot."

"I do not."

"You do!" Lyra didn't give Pan another chance to defend himself, just continuing to ramble. "There were a nice park in London we went to. Not as nice as our botanics but it were better than being stuck inside."

"Did she not let you out?" It was Stelmaria who asked this time, Pan feeling a growl vibrating at the base of her throat.

"Not on my own. I went to all sorts of places with her, fancy restaurants and to people's houses. Also there were this funny building in the shape of a cross with loads of wooden benches that we went to on Sunday. I had to sing some stupid songs and pray and stuff. I hated it."

"A church," Asriel chuckled. "You really are my daughter."

"Yeah, that." Lyra had slept through all their RE classes because she had no interest at all in it and Asriel hadn't exactly tried to teach her about it. "It was soooo boring. I e'nt going ever again. Mrs Coulter said it were important but I don't think so. I didn't have to go to church in Oxford. There was a lot I had to do in London that I didn't in Oxford. I never got to play with other kids. I e'nt leaving Oxford again!"

"It's more fun to run around Oxford than anywhere else," Pan agreed. "Everyone in Jordan is impressed by how fast I can change."

"Not even to go to the Arctic?"

Lyra screwed up her face. "Course that's different."

She'd go anywhere with Asriel.

"Just not London then 'cause she lives there and I don't wanna be near her again."

"Sensible," Asriel grunted. "I'm glad you're feeling more yourself. It was unnerving to see you so quiet earlier."

Lyra was glad too, even though she didn't feel quite normal. She didn't know how to process her feelings so she just ignored them, and it was freeing to talk as she pleased. Asriel's snide comments were nothing compared to Mrs Coulter's chastisement. Even if he didn't pay attention Asriel let her say basically anything she wanted. He didn't try to curb her enthusiasm.

She realised she'd distracted herself by talking on and on. Asriel had promised her answers in the car, and she felt questions buzzing on the tip of her tongue now that she'd babbled on for a while. She had to get them tonight. "Dad, why was she so obsessed with me?"

"I suppose I should explain," Asriel sighed. He shared a look with Stelmaria, long and deep, before continuing. "It's a long story. I'll just give you the basics tonight and we can talk more tomorrow. You need rest more than anything."

Lyra didn't feel tired, but the non stubborn part of her knew he was right. Her current energy was just an illusion, an overcompensation for all the stress they'd been through.

"Marisa- Mrs Coulter- is your mother. That's why she wouldn't let you go."

"My mother?" Lyra froze, cogs in her brain turning. Pan trembled against Stelmaria, flickering between forms before settling as a hissing wild cat. She didn't want to accept it, but Asriel's expression was coldly serious and Stelmaria's eyes filled with sympathy. They weren't lying. Mrs Coulter really was her mother. She hated how it made sense. It explained why Mrs Coulter was so set on making Lyra stay, on moulding her in her image. The similarities in their appearance too - their eyebrows, noses, dark brown hair… She didn’t want it to make sense. "But- how? Why did she-"

Her voice trembled, Pan flying up into her lap and pressing against her cheek. She couldn't finish the question, because it meant accepting a mother who had abandoned her for so many years only to turn up and hurt her.

"We were young when Marisa got pregnant with you. We decided to keep you so she had to postpone her PhD. I was just an assistant professor at the time, but I had enough for the three of us. Marisa decided she wanted a different life and left us just after you turned two."

Lyra could tell there were details missing, but Pan stopped her from asking more with a shake of his head. It would be better to ask tomorrow, when she'd come to terms with it a bit more.

"If- if she's my mother, then why did she do all those things to me? She- she..." Lyra shivered, clutching Pan to her chest. He burrowed his head into her neck, whiskers twitching against her skin.

Stelmaria's eyes flashed savagely and her lips curled back to reveal sharp teeth. Asriel leaned forward, expression severe. "Lyra, did she hurt you?"

"She- she didn't hurt me, but her monkey, he hurt Pan. "

"How dare he," Stelmaria snarled, powerful body tense with anger. She leaned up to touch Pan with her nose, carefully avoiding actually touching Lyra. Her tail continued to flick behind her. "Settled daemons shouldn't attack another."

Asriel gripped the arm of his chair so hard his knuckles turned white. A storm of rage brewed in his eyes, darkness covering his entire face. "I never expected her to go that far."

Lyra trembled even though the anger wasn't directed at her. Suddenly she felt tired, so tired that she could sleep for weeks. Too much had happened today.

"It was only a few times," she mumbled, not to defend Mrs Coulter but because she didn't want Asriel to be so angry.

"It will never happen again. No one will hurt Pan like that again, I'll make sure of it." Asriel's tone was harsh, fingers relaxing their vice grip on the chair arm. Stelmaria gave Pan one last lick before pulling back. Asriel glanced over them, anger restrained in his tense shoulders. His gaze softened as he watched them hugging each other. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you the reason I wanted you to stay away, and left for so long again."

Lyra's fingers tangled in Pan's fur to stop her from gaping at him. He'd apologised a few times before, but never with so many words. He... Really did care.

If he'd told her that Mrs Coulter was her mother before, Lyra probably would have still gone with her. At first she'd seemed like a mum that Lyra had only dreamed of. It turned out her dreams were really just that, dreams. "I'm....I'm sorry too. For not listening to you about... Mrs Coulter."

She couldn't bring herself to call her anything else. She'd rather have no mother at all. It would have been better.

"Does that mean you're going to listen to me properly now?"

"... Sometimes."

"I can't expect more from my daughter," Asriel snorted. He stood up, stretching out his taut body before ruffling Lyra's hair. "Bed now, it's getting late."

Lyra frowned. She was reluctant to go to bed, for it to just be her and Pan again. Pan scurried off her legs and back to Stelmaria, pressing his face beseechingly against her. Lyra hesitated, trying to think of an excuse to stay up later but not finding one. It was like her head was filled with cotton wool, sluggish and unimaginative. Normally being alone was fine, she was used to it after all, but she didn't want to be left to think tonight.

"We'll stay with you till you sleep," Stelmaria said. She gently nudged Pan onto his feet and towards their bedroom. Asriel looked at Stelmaria searchingly before sighing and standing too.

Lyra felt a little less reluctant now, trailing behind Asriel into her room. He even pulled back the covers for her, before turning around when she quickly got changed. Stelmaria gently licked Pan then lifted him onto the bed. Lyra slipped in beside him and he instantly burrowed into her arms, pressed together tightly.

"Goodnight, Lyra." Asriel bent over and pressed a kiss to her forehead. His scraggly beard scraped across her skin, a ticklish roughness that almost had her giggling. "Sleep well."

"Wait!" Lyra grabbed Asriel's hand before he could leave. She widened her eyes and tried to look as adorable as possible (which she always was, in a wild way). "Read me to sleep? Or talk 'bout your research. Just somethin'!"

"Aren't you too old to need a bedtime story?" Asriel muttered. In contrast to his sharp words he pulled over her desk chair, slumping down with his knees bumping the edge of the bed. Lyra wriggled under the duvet, pulling it up to cover her mouth and the smug smile on it. Only her eyes peered out, raptly watching Asriel. Pan copied her, a little ermine beside her with only his eyes and nose poking out. "Well, what do you want to hear about?"

"Uh... What you saw in Svalbard this time!"

"Alright. I'm afraid it was quite a boring trip. The long days in spring mean the aurora isn't out, so there wasn't much to study. We were there to cover up the equipment for long term storage but then we got stuck in a storm. It was impossible to go out in it, even for me, so-"

It only took a few sentences for Lyra's eyes to droop. She could fight off the exhaustion anymore, struggling to keep her eyes open just a moment more to fixate on the rare sight of her father beside her bed but failing horribly.

Deep, harsh tones and soft, silky rumbles lulled her to sleep.

-

The whole room was flooded with light when Lyra woke up.

She groaned, stuffing her face into the pillow. Pan mumbled against her, drool leaking from his little pink mouth. Lyra made a fake noise of disgust and lightly pushed him away.

"We should get up," Pan mumbled, shaking himself and shifting into a koala. He clung to lyra's arm and pressed his furry face against her. She rolled over to look at the digital clock beside her bed.

Past 11am. It was a lot later than she normally got up.

"We could just have a lazy day," Lyra replied, even though neither of them wanted that. "Get dad to bring us breakfast in bed."

"I'd like to see that," Pan snorted. He forced himself to let go of Lyra's arm, rolling away and turning into a polecat in an attempt to wake himself up. Lyra sat up with a stretch and a young. He looked up at her. "Should we talk about yesterday before we go out?"

"I suppose."

There was so much to think about. They'd fallen asleep so quickly last night that they hadn't had time to process it, both together and individually.

"I don't like that golden monkey... He's..." Pan winced. Lyra scooped him up into her arms, pressing kisses into his fur even as her own emotions were turbulent. Her stomach churned at the thought.

"I don't like that she's my mother either. She e'nt how one should be at all."

It had been fine when she didn't have a mother. She could fantasise about one without having any real attachment. It wasn't like she'd known any different. As long as she could remember it had been her, Pan, Asriel and Stelmaria. There had been no need for anything more. She'd felt a little sad when she first went to school, watching mums pick up their kids, but if Asriel had been there to pick her up she wouldn't have missed a mum at all. After all, there was never a mum to miss in the first place.

But now, suddenly, she did have one. She wasn't dead, or some unknown stranger she could dream would have loved her. Her mother had chosen to abandon her and had chosen to hurt Pan. She'd known the whole time that Lyra was her daughter but hadn't uttered a word. It hurt much more than when she'd been in the dark.

"Why are we so unlucky, Pan," Lyra complained.

“Maybe you angered someone in your past life,” Pan replied, lightly licking her chin. “Wouldn’t surprise me.”

“Me neither. But it e’nt fair. Dad’s better now but… don’t I deserve just one normal parent? She’s the worst I could have! When her daemon hurt you I felt so sick, it was horrible. But she knew I were her daughter! She hurt her daughter’s daemon… he hurt his-”

“It’s not fair.” Pan shared and felt her sorrow. He’d wanted her mother’s daemon - his other parent, really - to be like Stelmaria. He’d always imagined what form he’d be, fantasising about whether he’d settle just like him or Stelmaria. He wouldn’t be anything like that monkey, ever. Both Lyra and Pan knew that inexplicably.

It hurt to have all their dreams crushed. It was a sharp stabbing pain, unlike the dull throb they’d felt whenever they thought of a mum they’d never known. Sometimes knowing was worse.

"I'm glad she abandoned me," Lyra declared fiercely, pushing back their shared sorrow. "She wouldn't’ve been good to us."

"We don't need a mother," Pan agreed, rubbing his face against hers. "We've got each other."

"And dad and Stelmaria. Dad would never hurt me like that, he e'nt bad like that, even if we ran away he'd-"

Lyra froze, mouth hung open. She hadn't told Will that she was safe! It had been days since she phoned him, a call that had been ended by Mrs Coulter. Lyra hadn't seen her phone since. She didn't want it anyway, not when it could be used to track her.

He'd be so worried.

Lyra shot out of bed, barging into the main room with words spilling from her lips like a torrent. "I need to tell Will I'm ok! I phoned him when I tried to run then she took my phone, I e'nt talked to him since, he'll be so worried, I-"

"He knows you're safe," Stelmaria's calm voice interrupted her before she could spiral further. "We contacted his parents yesterday."

Asriel looked up from his newspaper, eyes narrowed. "Good morning to you too, Lyra."

"Mornin," Lyra scuffed her toe against the ground, looking away under her father's intense gaze. How was she to know he'd told them? She hadn't even known that Asriel had gotten Elaine and John's number.

"Did you sleep well?" Stelmaria asked, padding over to rub her nose against Pan's.

"I haven't slept that well in ages," Pan chirped.

"Yeah, I never slept in so late. Must've been cause what dad was sayin’ before I slept was so boring."

"I didn't force that on you," Asriel snorted. Stelmaria let out a huffed laugh. She brushed past Lyra's legs, almost touching her, and settled down by Asriel's side. He reached over and languidly scratched behind her ears. "You asked for it."

"If it'd been exciting I wouldn't have been able to sleep," Lyra grinned cheekily. It was easier now that she was out of bed, with Asriel, to push back all the negative thoughts. If there was one thing Lyra did well it was coping with bad news and moving one. She was far too stubborn to let it affect her.

At least, that's what Pan always said.

"Have some breakfast," Asriel jerked his head towards the table, not bothering to scold her. "We have a lot more to talk about."

"It'll be nice for someone else to do the talking for once," Pan teased. Lyra pushed him to the side good naturedly, rolling her eyes. He hopped away with a chirp, out of reach, glee practically fluffing up his fur.

Lyra didn't shoot back for once, instead scurrying over to the table. Her eyes widened when she realised Asriel had gotten her a chocolate croissant from her favourite bakery. She instantly ripped into it, groaning as it melted in her mouth. Mrs Coulter had fed her so many pastries, but nothing beat the taste of home. She ate it at the speed of light, licking the crumbs of her fingers before flopping herself across her armchair. Pan leapt up onto her shoulder with a content huff.

"First of all..." Asriel frowned, fingers clenching into Stelmaria's fur. "I won't scold you for going to london. Marisa is very beguiling and part of the blame falls on me. I won't leave for so long again."

"But you've said that before," Lyra said, trying not to look too upset. She'd forgotten all her anger at Asriel when Mrs Coulter started hurting Pan, because that was much worse, but it was coming back to her now. It bubbled up as words she'd already said so many times in a fit of anger, lost in shouting matches. But this time Asriel wasn't shouting at her, and her words came out almost dejected. "You always say you'll do better then don't! You could've been back in time but you chose work over me again... I e'nt ok with that. How am I supposed to trust you?"

"It really wasn't meant to-" Asriel cut himself off with a sigh. She could see his anger flickering under the surface, but it didn't come out. "I see. What can I do to make you believe me?"

Lyra thought for a moment. Nothing, was the honest answer. She hadn't really trusted him for years. But she loved him, because he was her father and he loved her, even if he didn't properly show it. She still had hope even if she didn't have trust. With time maybe it would come back, maybe he would prove it to her. He'd come to get her, after all. "Buy me cake... Every day for the rest of the week."

Asriel barked out laughter. "Your trust comes quite cheap, Lyra."

"Yeah, I e'nt fancy," Lyra shrugged, shoving her doubts to the bottom of her mind. She was always like this, quick to anger and relatively quick to calm.

Asriel let out a low laugh before his expression hardened over. "Let's talk a bit more about your mother now, Lyra."

Lyra nodded, dread pooling in her gut. Pan turned into a wolverine, large and dangerous, as if he was ready for the golden monkey to appear.

They didn't really know what more there was to talk about, they were still processing that she was- that, but Lyra didn't want anything else hidden. She was so curious, even though the truth had been so painful.

"Marisa was already married when I met her." Asriel didn't hold back, fingers tapping on the arm of the chair. His face was harsh but not angry. It was like he had no emotional attachment to this. "A loveless marriage, but a marriage nonetheless. Her husband was an influential up and coming politician. She always had a thing for power, you see. Her pregnancy with you was an accident and she- we- thought she could pretend in front of her husband." Asriel's lips drew back into a sneer. "She planned to use you for her own personal gain. Seemed you didn't agree with that, because it was obvious you were my child when you were born. Marisa gave you to me, to preserve her marriage. I raised you alone for the first half a year-"

"Maggie helped," Stelmaria interjected.

"Well, yes. Maggie- Ma Costa, as you'll know her, helped in that first half year."

"What happened after that?" Lyra watched him with wide shining eyes. It was like all the puzzle pieces of her life were being put together. She'd never known her origins, how she came to only have a father and why Ma Costa seemed to treat her like another child. She'd always assumed her mother had died when she was just a baby... But this was more interesting than that.

If only the mother in question wasn't Mrs Coulter.

"Have some patience," Asriel grunted. "Marisa's husband found out when you were six months old. He wasn't happy, unsurprisingly, and she came to be with us. That lasted until you were two and she'd had enough."

"Did she divorce him?"

"No."

"Where's he, then?"

Asriel paused. "Dead."

Lyra gaped. Dead! Her mind raced with a million possibilities. Her mother's husband finding out about Lyra, and in his anger coming to kill her. Asriel arriving just in the nick of time and shooting him dead. Imagine that! It would be so cool!

"Did you kill him then?"

Asriel fixed her with a severe glare. "Who told you that, Lyra?" At her silence. "Lyra, tell me, who told you that, I swear, if someones-'

"Nobody! I just overheard it, is all! Well I overheard that you killed someone, just guessing it was him... I e'nt upset if you did."

"I see," Asriel sighed, sharing a look with Stelmaria. "The answer to that is quite complicated, Lyra. Perhaps some of the blame does lie on me, but I didn't kill him. Even the courts showed that. It was an accident, nothing more. People love to spread preposterous rumours."

"You was arrested for it anyway? How was you involved?"

"He was at our home, a house then, when he died. He'd come over once he learned about Marisa's infidelity, blaming me for leading his wife astray. Hah! That woman could never be led astray. If she doesn't want to do something, she won't."

"Did he have a gun? Did you shoot him with his gun?"

"Absolutely not. Where do you get these ridiculous ideas? Neither of us had a gun, those are illegal. No, he came into my house unarmed but verbally and physically aggressive. He was trying to force his way into your room, shouting about how his wife had been violated and he wanted to see the brat it had produced. I didn't let him and in the aftermath he fell down the stairs."

"You pushed him!"

Asriel's lips pulled back into a sneer. "Nobody can prove that."

Wow. It wasn't quite as dramatic as she'd imagined, but still! Her father defended her as a baby. Her mind was already spinning up exaggerations to boast about. She looked excitedly at Pan, who wriggled against her. It filled him with warmth too, knowing that Stelmaria had protected him alongside Asriel.

"I was suspected, of course, given the circumstances. Nothing could be proved in court, but I lost the majority of my fortune in legal bills and compensation. That was part of why Marisa decided to leave."

"So you really are a lord, unjustly robbed of the family fortune! Does that mean I'm Lady Belacqua?"

Stelmaria chuckled, pressing her head against Asriel's thigh. Asriel sighed out a response. "Probably not. It hardly means anything nowadays. The money was useful for funding my work and feeding you, nothing more."

Lyra still had more questions, burning the end of her tongue, but she struggled to get them out. She wanted to know, but also didn't. If she asked more about her mother she knew she'd only be disappointed. Had she loved her? Clearly not enough to stay. Had she ever held Lyra? What did it matter when Asriel had. Had Pan ever imitated the golden monkey's form, like most daemons did for their parents? They hoped not. The thought of changing into that sent disgusted shivers down Pan's spine.

"Is there anything else you want to know?" Stelmaria asked, looking between Pan and Lyra.

Lyra looked down at Pan. He flickered between a rat, pink nose twitching and beady eyes shining with curiosity, and a mouse, small head shaking. They felt so conflicted.

"You can ask later," Asriel waved a hand dismissively. Lyra felt strangely relieved. Her and Pan could think about it more (or not at all, in her case) and just ask any questions they had later. "I hope you understand now that when I tell you to do things, and to keep away from people, it's for your own safety. I don't take pleasure in setting rules, Lyra, because I dislike them too. You're like me. I could be stricter after all this, but I won't be. I won't constrain you like she did. I'm not going to stop you from doing whatever you want, as long as you go to school, tell me where you're going and don't hurt yourself. I trust that you've learnt from this experience and will be more cautious."

Lyra nodded. She really had. She'd never trust someone's sweet words again. Kindness clearly didn't mean anything.

"Good. Now I've told you about her, I suppose it's time I told you about my work in more detail."

"Really?" Lyra instantly brightened up. She'd always pestered him to tell her more about his work and sometimes he did, but only small things.

"Do you remember what I told you about dark matter, or shadow particles?"

"A bit. Something ‘bout it being conscious thought or sin?" She'd always found Asriel's research interesting and hung onto every word he told her, but that didn't mean it stuck. Not when there was so much more for her to learn and it hardly meant anything to her. It was just part of the picture, and just a passing thought then.

Now she was going to get the full picture, practically vibrating with excitement. It was what she'd begged her father to tell her for years.

"Correct. Not many know about shadow particles, and fewer research it. This is on purpose. High up members of the church, a certain group, know about it. They are the ones that believe it is original sin."

“But why?”

“Because in the bible, it is said that Adam and Eve originally lived in a paradise, the garden of eden. Their daemons weren’t settled. Then Eve was tempted to go against God and eat an apple, their daemons settled, as did shadow particles. This is what they believe is the original sin.”

Lyra frowned. Sounded like a made up story to her. How could eating an apple be sinful? Made no sense to her. Why did people care what one religion thought? Weren’t there plenty more?

“Why does this stop people researching too?”

“Because it’s dangerous.” Asriel’s eyes narrowed, intense gaze settling on her. "You see there are problems in this world, Lyra. They are hidden below the surface, but the church has a stronger influence on our government than it has any right to. Even that isn't enough for them, they want the power to control us all through fear and a power above. Marisa's - your mother's - work is part of that. I intend to stand against that, to prove that there are other worlds out there and that shadow particles are not sin. That’s why my work is so important, and also why it’s so dangerous."

“Why e’nt that taught, then? At school they said we’re part of a democracy, we vote for our leaders and stuff.”

“That’s what they want you to think. We do, somewhat, but the people’s power is limited. The church influences everything and those already in power want to please them. Their influence is only growing. They can’t change things instantly, but they’ll achieve their goals in my lifetime if no one stands up to them. There will be no freedom of thought or expression. They want to control how you even think. Doesn’t that sound horrible?”

It did. Lyra shared a look with Pan, both confused and trying to figure it all out. It wasn’t like anything they’d ever heard. But it was Asriel who was telling them, so they were inclined to believe it. She just didn’t understand why no one talked about it.

"Come with me." Asriel stood abruptly, striding into his room. Lyra hurried after him, butterflies fluttering in her chest. She'd been in his room before, whenever she needed something and he wasn't around, but not openly. Never. She always went in and out as quickly as possible, touching as little as possible (enforced by Pan), so he didn't know she'd been there.

Now Asriel was leading her to his desk, taking up almost an entire wall. Papers were stacked all over it, a laptop shoved to the side and carefully developed photographs placed side by side. Lyra had never seen photographs like this, done the old way rather than with current technology. She reached forward to touch them.

"Don't." Asriel grabbed her hand, and pushed it down to her side. "These aren't toys."

"I know that," Lyra retorted, lower lip jutting out.

Asriel looked at her scrutinisingly before pulling her over to his side. He indicated to two photographs. On the left was a picture of a man and a child that Lyra didn't recognise. On the right a similar picture, but the man was coated in gold light and the child was not visible at all. He pointed to the right picture. "This, Lyra, is shadow particles. It covers adults from head to toe, yet children don't have a speck of that. Why do you think that is?"

Lyra screwed up her face in thought. "Because their Daemon e'nt settled yet?"

"Correct." Asriel's lips pulled back into a wolfish grin. "During puberty it starts being attracted to us and when your Daemon settles it settles too. This isn't a new discovery, the church's own researcher has hypothesised it for years. It adds proof to their belief it is sin, because it is not attracted to those that are more innocent - children. I don't believe this. Dark matter is just an elementary particle, not good or evil."

He brought her attention to another picture, of the northern lights. "But this, this is a new discovery."

The picture beside it was even more stunning than the aurora itself. Within the greens and blues was a radiant gold, lighting up the sky. It formed spires, radiating outwards. The central tower pointed high into the sky, a sharp needle pointing upwards. Buildings spiralled downwards, going on and on, a city on a mountain. It was beautiful.

"It's a city," Lyra gasped. Pan scurried onto the table and peered over the photograph, unable to drag his eyes away. "Is this real?"

"Very. I took this picture of the aurora using a special emulsion I developed, the same one that I used to show shadow particles on humans. This is all dark matter. A city in the sky... Another world."

"Another world?" Lyra gaped. That seemed ridiculous. That was just stuff of stories! Yet here was her father telling her with a straight face, one filled with vicious enthusiasm, that you could see through to another world. It must be real. Her father wouldn't lie about his work, something he was so passionate about.

"Yes, another world. If we can see that world, if light can cross through from that world, then so can we. We can build a bridge to cross."

"You plan to go through?"

"Yes."

"To do what?"

"That will be clearer at the time. Perhaps I will be trying to find the source of shadow particles, perhaps I will be waging war."

War? Who against, she wondered.

"But that is years away. I still need to figure out how to open up a bridge to this world. That's what I'm currently researching, and why I can do it closer to home."

"How? How will you get through?" Lyra couldn't imagine it. Going through to another world? She hadn't even left the country! If he left... Then her and Pan would really be alone. Another world wasn't somewhere she could reach. She hoped it was more than a few years away.

"I'm still working on that. I believe the key is the daemon-human bond. You see, the energy that links human and Daemon is immensely powerful. If I- Stelmaria and I- can just harness that power, that energy, we'll be able to create a window to go through."

Lyra looked at Pan, fingers tensing in his fur. The bond between them was a type of energy that could be harnessed? It had always felt powerful to her, something eternal, but not like that. She was itching to understand.

"All of this is considered heretical by the church, and nonsense to most people. That's why my work has been so secretive. Only a small group of the professors here know, though I imagine Marisa has her suspicions. It's not an easy job, nor is it one that leads to wealth and comfort. But it is far too important to stop. I have chosen to do it and to take a stand against those that would take away our freedom of thought."

"Why didn't you tell me about this before?" Lyra asked, trying to suppress her irritation. It was so much but it was so wonderful! Other worlds! Her father, fighting for freedom! She had always known what he was doing was important, he'd said so often, but she'd never understood before. "I wouldn't have told anyone, I-"

"Because you're young, Lyra." Asriel looked weary, as if the years were catching up to him. "Too young to be burdened by something like this. I wanted you to be a child... I know I failed to truly provide the environment for that, but I needed to protect you. Knowledge is dangerous in the minds of some. I'm only telling you because I see that I must. You're still just a little girl, as much as you might protest, and you shouldn't have to worry about these things. That's my job. I'm working to build a world where our children can be free, and that starts with my own."

Lyra frowned. She didn't see how it was more of a burden than leaving her alone for years to fend for herself. She'd practically brought herself up. If only he'd told her, then she could've helped and had a father. She wouldn't have been. plagued by aching loneliness and feelings of abandonment.

"It's hard to believe, but I left you in Jordan because you were safe here. The arctic is not the place for a child, and my research has put a target on my head. Your mother helped with that. We're both safe here, but it's something I've worked hard for. You could grow up with all the freedom you pleased, to make friends and run across the roofs. You'd have none of that in the north with me."

"What was the point if I didn't have anyone to raise me?" Lyra watched him intensely. Pan's fur bristled under her fingers, a shared yearning for all the years they'd lost. She was able to be as wild as she pleased, yet she couldn't rely on anyone. "I could've had freedom with you. I do now!"

"I know." Asriel frowned, forehead creasing, and Stelmaria's eyes were sorrowful. But there was a steel to it, the way they both say upright and powerful, that told Lyra they didn't regret it. "I am sorry, Lyra. I'll try to make up for it."

Lyra looked away from him. Pan hissed and pressed up against her neck. She would try to believe him, because he'd told her everything now. He wasn't going anywhere till he could harness energy, and that could be years. She'd be an adult by then, she was sure.

"Can I help with your work then?"

"A little, I suppose. It would be useful to study a bond with an unsettled Daemon. But it can't interfere with school, nor do I want you to help unless you really want to."

"I don't want to! I've been asking to for years."

"I suppose you have." Asriel's lips curled up into a half smile. "If that's what you want then you can start helping over the holidays."

Pan changed into a hawk, puffing up his chest with pride, and Lyra grinned. Finally, he was going to let her help. She'd be able to make up for all that lost time when he hadn't been around. Asriel wouldn't be able to get rid of her so easily anymore.

It was enough to let them both feel content at the end of such a gruelling conversation, even Pan who normally hung onto things for longer. They'd come back to it later, just the two of them, but now all they felt was elation. Finally her father was trusting her and involving her. They felt wanted, needed, and no longer so confused about their place in the world.

Like they were slowly moving forward.

"Go get dressed, Lyra. Now that we've talked we can go out."

Lyra tilted her head. Go out? Did they have somewhere to be? "Where?"

Asriel looked at her as if she'd asked the stupidest question and she bristled under his stare. It wasn't like he'd told her! "Shopping. You need a new phone and clothes, don't you?"

Lyra jumped to her feet immediately, catching Pan just before she fell. "I do! I'll go get ready!"

Shopping with Asriel! She couldn't wait.

-

"Remember, we can't stay for long. You still have a lot of work to catch up on."

Lyra rolled her eyes at Asriel, ignoring Stelmaria's warning growl, and stuffed her hands in the pockets of her new dark green canvas trousers. They stood outside Wills house, the evening warmth of spring settling around them. Lyra had insisted she go see Will since she wasn't back at school yet, and Asriel insisted that he take her. It was very unnecessary. What was going to happen? Mrs Coulter wasn't going to just pop up and kidnap her! Lyra certainly wasn't going to go with anyone willingly again.

It meant they’d walked the whole way on normal, boring pavements. Lyra and Pan grumbled to each other the whole way. They hadn't gotten a chance to go on the roofs yet, because there was a pile of work to get through from the weeks they'd missed and Asriel refused to leave her unattended until it was all done.

After it was done, she could do whatever she wanted, he'd said. But by then she'd be back at school! It was unfair she couldn't make the most of these few free days, for her recovery and catching supposedly but she'd recovered right away. She just didn't see the point in dwelling on everything, even Pan agreed with that.

"I still don't see why you had to come," Lyra muttered, scuffing her also brand new lace up boots against the front step. "I'd come back when you said to, honest."

"I have something to talk to John and Elaine about." Asriel folded his arms and gave her a pointed look. Lyra was pretty sure that was a lie, but he'd never admit to being worried. It was difficult to miss the way Stelmaria's eyes followed Pan about everywhere. It both made her happy and frustrated her. "Are you going to keep moping, or are you going to ring the doorbell? We can go right back home if you want."

"No!" Lyra surged forward, slamming her finger on the doorbell so hard it hurt. "I e'nt going home!"

Asriel chuckled. Lyra ignored him and rocked on her heels, Pan's sharp hawk gaze not leaving the door for a moment. Her skin was crawling with excitement and nerves. Pan continually chittered in her ear, shifting from taloned foot to foot just like she was.

"Hello, can- oh, Lyra!" Elaine opened the door, confusion morphing into a wide smile. "How lovely it is to see you. And you, Asriel, come in, come in." She ushered them in and turned around to shout up the stairs. "Will, Lyra's here to visit!"

"Asriel!" John appeared from the kitchen, smiling cheerfully. He reached over and patted Asriel's shoulder. "Come have some tea. Elaine just made biscuits, you'll love them, nothing better than her baking!"

Elaine laughed as her husband led Asriel towards the main living room. Lyra suppressed a giggle at her father's stiff expression, John's hand still stuck to his shoulder. Stelmaria paced after him, tail flicking with confused agitation. Her father really wasn't used to friendliness, was he?

"How are you, Lyra?" Elaine looked at her with soft eyes, a kind expression that had Pan trembling on her shoulder. She comfortingly stroked his feathers. This was Elaine, not her. She was actually nice. "That must have been quite the experience. When Will told us we were so worried."

"I'm fine, really, dad-"

"Lyra!" Will ran down the stairs, face flushed. Lyra spun around to greet him with a half smile. She was glad to see him, and glad to not have to continue an awkward conversation with Elaine. Talking about feelings really wasn't Lyra's thing. "Are you alright? Why didn't you text me to say you were coming round?"

"I have a new phone," Lyra rubbed the back of her head. Pan sprang forward to greet Kirjava as a wild cat, noses tapping together before they started whispering to each other. "Left my old one in London. I'll give you my new number."

"Alright," Will nodded. He hesitated for a moment, before pulling Lyra into a tight hug. Lyra stiffened before relaxing into it. It was nice. Being hugged by Will filled her with a sense of security, a safety she normally only felt from Asriel. Kirjava pressed her face against Pan too, comfortingly brushing a tail along her back. He felt the same sense of safety Lyra did. "I'm glad you're fine."

"Me too," Lyra said, pulling back and grinning at Will. She then noticed Elaine out of the corner of her eye, still watching her gently, and blushed. "Can we go to your room?"

"My room's a mess, so let's go to the back living room."

Lyra nodded. That was fine, as long as it was just her and Will - because it was him she wanted to talk about, without the interference of their parents. "Let's go."

"Only an hour, Lyra," Asriel's booming voice followed her from the kitchen.

"Yeah, I know!" Lyra shouted back, hurrying after Will. Now she knew what Will had meant before about parents being embarrassing.

"What's with that?" Will asked softly, lips curved into a gentle smile.

"I got loads of work to catch up on from school. He's been sticking around all day nagging me to get it don't. He e'nt letting up, always making sure I'm actually doing work."

"Cause you'd not do it if he didn't," Pan jabbed, shaking out his fur. As if he didn't want to spend all day outside as well!

"That just shows that he cares," Will laughed.

"Yeah," Lyra blushed slightly at that. "He's been tryin' more these past few days. Like he really regrets leaving. It feels... Nice."

"I bet. How was it when you first got back? Was he angry?"

Lyra shook her head. "Just worried. Well, he was angry, but he didn't shout at me or anything. Guess he didn't want to upset me more. It's been pretty peaceful. He told me a lot of stuff he hadn't before."

Will watched her silently, waiting for her to decide exactly what she wanted to tell him. She liked that about Will. He'd never push, but he was happy to be there if she needed it. He was a great friend.

"Sorry I worried you. Mrs Coulter, well, she wasn't a friend of my dad's. Not anymore. They used to be..." Lyra trailed off, looking to Pan for support. He nodded his head. They both wanted to tell Will and Kirjava, just like they would tell Roger when they got time with him. "Together. She's actually my mother. He never told me cause she left when I were young. I can see why he didn't, she's... Awful. She e'nt like a mother at all."

Will reached over to place a hand over her own, gently grasping it. His warm brown hands felt so soft against Lyra's, even though his knuckles were rough from boxing. She liked the feeling of them covering her own. "Blood doesn't make someone our parent, not really. That comes from effort and love. She gave birth to you, but that does mean she's your mum. Not if you don't want her to be."

"I don't." Lyra and Pan were absolutely certain about that. They never wanted to see her again.

"Then that's that." Will squeezed her hand before letting go. "Don't let anyone guilt you into accepting her if you don't want to."

"No one's gonna do that! Dad hates her just as much as me, I think. I'd never seen him so angry when he came to get me. Dunno what they talked about but I bet he shouted real loud."

"Stelmaria too," Pan shivered. "She looked ready to rip the golden monkey's throat out... I wish she had."

Kirjava rubbed her cheek against Pan's. Lyra reached over and scratched him between the ears. They'd both suffered, but in a way it had been more difficult for him.

"Anyway, let's not talk about that." Lyra really didn't want to dwell on it right now. She hadn’t come over to Wills to complain. She just wanted to show him that she was alright. "But, uh... Thank you for being willing to help then."

"Of course. You can always rely on me, Lyra... Well, my parents will be happy to help where I can't."

Lyra laughed, nudging him with a teasing grin. "There are things you can't do? You really are just a kid."

"Now, now," Will returned, laughing eyes creasing at the corners. "I'm older than you."

"Yeah, by a few months. E'nt much in it really."

"Sure, whatever you say," Will chuckled good naturedly. He rested his head on his hand, leaning sideways into the sofa and observing Lyra with a smile. The fading light outside highlighted his dark curls and gentle face, blurring his edges until he looked softer. Lyra tended not to think about it much, but Will was definitely good looking. It was a good thing he had a quiet personality so she could keep him all to himself, otherwise he would've been surrounded by friends.

Pain stabbed her heart at that thought. It'd really suck to not be friends with Will.

No point in thinking about that! He was her friend, one who gladly spent so much time with her, and that was enough. She should make the most of the hour she had right now.

Chapter Text

It only took a few days for Lyra to get through all the catch up work, absolutely powering through it and leaving the weekend before she went back free. Asriel had relaxed (as much as was possible for him to) with each day she was back, finally going back to working outside of the house. He sternly told her not to get in trouble, but Stelmaria's purr on the way out was basically permission to do whatever she wanted to.

Lyra was glad. As much as he'd said otherwise she was worried that Asriel would stop her from going about as she pleased, deciding that her going with Mrs Coulter was proof of her irresponsibility. Being locked inside Mrs Coulter's flat had been suffocating, and following her around from appointment to appointment hadn't been much better. She was glad that Asriel wasn't like that, that he'd never be like that.

They could go back to how it had been before he'd gone to Svalbard again.

"Y'know, I don't think that'll work," Roger frowned, narrowing his eyes at the pad of paper between them. "Like, at all."

They were in their secret spot on the roof, after Pan and Sacilia had chased off all the pigeons that had descended in their absence. Pan sat proudly on a gutter, hawk chest puffed out. Sacilia pored over the plans with Roger, shaking her head slightly. It was a plan for how to win multiple competitions next Saturday, which was the day a festival to celebrate Jordan colleges founding was being held. It happened every year, open to staff of all walks along with their children. Last year Lyra hadn't gone because she was upset Asriel wasn't around, and the year before her and Roger had lost a series of the kids races to the son of one of the stewards. This year they were going to get their revenge, because next year he'd be sixteen and too old to compete.

It was the first year she'd be able to attend with Asriel too.

"Why not," Lyra folded her arms, fixing Roger with a demanding look. "Last time we lost cause of our height difference, this'll solve that."

"I e'nt taping blocks to my shoes. No way. Also, I'm taller than I were two years ago. We're the same height now. I bet I'm taller!"

"You e'nt." Lyra jumped up, eyes blazing. "Pan, come check!"

Pan flapped over, thoroughly lining up the tops of their heads with his wings. "Rogers right, you're the same height now."

"No way! You're biased, Pan!"

"Towards you, surely," Roger teased, a wide grin splitting his cheeks. His blue eyes twinkled. "See, your plan won't work."

"Fine," Lyra sat back down with a huff, screwing up her face and staring intensely at their scrawled plans. "Guess we e'nt at a disadvantage then... Our teamwork's great. We'll win this year, I'm sure."

"It e'nt just the three legged race to worry 'bout," Roger pointed out, tapping their plans. "There's also the adult-kid relay. My uncle e'nt doing it, and dunno bout you Lyra, but I only know old scholars otherwise."

"Don't worry bout it," Lyra grinned, sharing a look with Pan. "I gotta secret plan that'll ensure our victory. You'll see."

"Alright." Roger rubbed the back of his head, looking uncertain, but going along with her anyway.

"That's enough planning." Lyra closed the notepad decisively. "We e'nt had a chance to run about the roofs in ages. Me n Pan have been itching to since we got back."

"Yeah, I e'nt been up either. It e'nt the same without you."

Lyra grinned at that. She'd missed Roger so much, and the roofs that were practically their home. Here was their domain where they were free to do whatever they pleased, only allowing those they wanted onto them. Will had been invited a few times, but this was still her space with Roger. A special place for the two of them.

Her and Pan knew that soon enough they wouldn't be able to run around so recklessly. They'd already pushed the age it was acceptable to clamber onto the roofs, but they didn't really care. They would never stop climbing up here, they were sure, just things would change. It was something that they worried about sometimes, when alone. More so recently - after being with her.

"Cmon, I'll race you to the crypt! Last one there buys lunch!"

Lyra didn't even give Roger a chance to agree, scampering up the wall and sliding down the other side. Roger yelled behind her and tore after her. She paused to give him a chance to catch up, it was only fair, before leaping to the next building.

Pan swooped beside her, joyous cries filling her ears and elation sparking in her breast. She ran from roof to roof, feet clattering over steel and stone while fresh air brushed her face. All her worries were blown away with the wind whistling through her hair. It caught in her lips and whipped behind her, but she couldn't care less. It was like she was leaving all her burdens behind, losing herself in climbing and jumping. Pan changing between forms at every opportunity, showing off just how much he could do, his intense joy mingling with her own. There was nothing more fun, more thrilling, than this.

They felt free.

-

"How much you got?"

Roger grimaced, holding up a single blue plastic note. "A fiver."

"I got..." Lyra grinned smugly, shoving her hand in her cargo trousers pocket and dramatically flourishing three crisp notes. "Thirty! Thirty whole quid!"

"Whoa, how?" Roger gaped at her richness. Normally they could both scrounge up about a tenner between them in time for the college festival, relying on pity from stallholders and theft (on Lyra's part) after they spent it all within the first hour. Lyra understood why he was so shocked. She smirked.

"A master never shares their secrets."

"It was hush money," Pan commented from her shoulder, spoiling all her fun. He flew off, shifting into a smaller finch, before she could shove him. "To get her to be quiet and go away."

"That e'nt true!" Lyra glared after Pan, who'd flown just out of reach to the gutter above her. "Partly. Dad gave me the money to play, but also to leave him alone for the morning. I may've pestered him till he gave me more."

"Genius," Roger grinned. "That'll last us all morning!"

"Yeah, then I'll get dad to give me more. He can't resist his adorable daughter."

"Annoying, more like," Pan teased. Acting all innocent as if he hadn't pestered Stelmaria, jumping on her swishing tail like a little kid until she'd growled and batted him away. It was their dual attack that had got them so much. Pan just liked to pretend he could take the moral high ground. "We should get going, before all the fresh apple pasties are sold out."

"You're right!" Lyra hopped up. She would absolutely fight to get her hands on one, she did every year, but there wouldn't even be anything to fight over if they dallied. Thankfully Pan was much more on top of the timings than her. He flapped back down onto her shoulder and preened as she scratched under his beak, bickering easily forgotten. "C'mon, let's go, Roger."

Lyra scrambled up the nearest sloped roof, sliding down the other side with a cheer. Pan swooped overhead, instructing her which route was fastest right now. Roger followed right behind her, Sacilia joining Pan on the sky as a magpie. She sprinted along a parapet, scrambling up onto a slightly higher roof and continuing without a break in her step. Pan veered to the side and she followed, jumping down a couple of metres and easily landing. She could hear Roger following behind her, slightly slower and more cautious. She slid down and hung over the roof eaves, dropping down into the corridor wrapping around the main quad.

The main quad was already bustling with people, little stalls lining the outside. Loud chatter and delicious smells filled the air. People stood against buildings laughing, haggled with those selling wares, and meandered about. It was filled with cheerful energy.

"Outta my way!" Lyra bolted through the crowds, ducking and weaving between heaving bodies and flailing limbs. She elbowed one of the head cook's sons out of the way, flipping him the middle finger when he yelled after her. No one stood between her and her apple pasties. She was going to get at least two this year! Pan found a path through the heaving crowds as a snake, hissing underfoot. She squeezed through two middle aged women, chemistry professors she vaguely remembered, who were managing to batter away a lot of the younger competition. But Lyra wasn't going to be deterred by harsh chemicals smells and waving handbags.

"Four Apple pasties, Bernie!" Lyra yelled, sticking her head up at the front of the crowd. Her hair was a mess around her face, sticking in all sorts of wild directions, and Pan was a rat clinging to her shoe after nearly being stepped on a few times. But the buttery, sweet smell of the stall was more than enough to make up for it. Bernie was the pastry chef of Jordan, something most colleges didn't have, and the maker of the famed apple pasties. On the occasions his pastries were available in the cafeteria they were always cold, or massive pies to feed many mouths. His more delicate food was only available for certain meetings and conferences.

The apple pasties were only made once a year, for the festival. They were Lyra's favourite, sweet warm apples surrounded by fluffy pastry.

"Sure thing," Bernie smiled, large face bright and kind. "You're in time this year, Lyra."

"Fought my way through," Lyra grinned, flexing her arms to show off the small amount of scratches and already blooming bruises she'd gotten from the crowds. She greedily grabbed the bag handed over to her, giving him the money for it before scurrying back out the crowd. It was easier to get out than in.

"You get em?" Roger was at the edge of the crowd, unable to just force his way through like Lyra did. She'd forged on ahead because if she waited neither of them would get any.

Lyra held up the paper bag triumphantly. "Two each."

"Two! Wow, being rich sure is something."

"I e'nt rich," Lyra rolled her eyes, handing him a pastie. "Let's go watch the performances while we eat."

"Alright," Roger nodded, already a mouthful into his. Lyra led the way, proudly marching through the throngs of people into the scholar's garden. The flower beds were in full bloom, bright leaves coating the trees. Music filled the space and people were dotted about, sitting and chatting. Lyra found them a spot under the largest cedar tree, sitting cross legged on the soft grass. It was a beautiful day, sun shining down, absolutely perfect for all the outdoor events.

"They're better this year," Lyra mumbled through her pasty, munching it down with a groan. It was just as good as she remembered, pastries melting on her tongue and apples having just enough crunch to them still. "The musicians I mean."

"You didn't even come last year."

"Yeah but I could hear em from the roof. There was some weird stuff."

Though Jordan college was known best for its sciences and mathematics, it still offered courses outside of its specialties. There were a few music students in the college itself and they always played for the festival. It was nice all round, normally. Some just composed weird pieces that Lyra didn't really understand. Fancy musical nonsense.

"When's your dad comin then?" Roger asked after he finished his second pasty, lying back with a groan. Sacilia stretched on his collar bone as a ferret with a content yawn.

Lyra licked off the remnant flakes from her fingers. "Dunno. Before the races, he promised."

"Stelmaria promised too," Pan added, knowing that Stelmaria saying it held a lot more weight - mostly because she actually paid attention to things, like the time, rather than completely losing herself in work. They'd both been very clear how they'd feel if Asriel and Stelmaria didn't turn up. "A couple of hours, I'd guess."

He climbed up onto the front of Lyra's shoulder, lounging there as a gecko and basking in the sun. It was much more comfortable for them both in the warmth, so he could cling to Lyra like normal without heating them both up.

"Enough time to look round all the other stalls then?"

"Course. I'd make dad wait for us to look round anyway. I e'nt gonna abandon my best friend."

"Didn't think you would," Roger snorted. "We gotta make the most of it, though, c'mon let's go."

"You're acting like Lyra," Pan quipped, yellow eyes twinkling.

"Learned it from you both," Sacilia chirped, bounding off Roger.

Pan pounced at her, shifting into a polecat and rolling around on the grass. They let out joyful chirps as they played, Pan's happiness swirling in Lyra's chest. She jumped up and shoved out her hand, pulling Roger up too. Their daemons bounded around their legs.

They went from stall to stall, buying all sorts of things from trinkets to sugary sweets that you couldn't just buy in stores. They had to be discerning about what they buyed, they didn't have unlimited money after all, so it was Pan who scouted for the most interesting things as a bird above their heads while Sacilia sniffed out for the best food. They ended their buying with a cardboard tub of currywurst each, made by the husband of a German professor. The sun was now high in the sky, signalling mid afternoon, and heating up the grass in the scholar's garden.

Thankfully it was only May, so the temperature was pleasant but not too hot. Lyra wasn't a massive fan of the summer heat waves they somehow had, and she knew there was no way Asriel would come out if it was warmer.

As if summoned by her thoughts, her phone buzzed.

Dad: where are you?

Lyra: scholars garden

That was that.

"Is he coming, then?" Pan peered over her shoulder, beady black eyes scanning the text.

"Think so." Lyra shrugged one shoulder. Asriel was very perfunctory with his texts, so they had to read between the lines to get anything. Pan turned into a sharp eyed hawk, black claws curling into her soft blue t-shirt. He scanned the gardens, focusing on the section nearest their flat, for any sign of Asriel.

"Your dad?" Roger cocked his head, leaning back on his hands.

“Yeah. He’s coming round now.” Lyra hopped up, unable to sit still with excitement. Her dad was actually going to spend the afternoon with her! “He promised to do the relay with us.”

“So he’s your secret plan… Y’know, we might win this year. I bet your dad is fast.”

“He is!” Lyra grinned, spotting Asriel entering the gardens and waving enthusiastically. “We’ll definitely win this year.”

And even if they didn’t, it didn’t matter so much because she got to spend half of the festival with Asriel, for the first time ever.

-

"Good morning, Lyra darling. I've been waiting for you to start breakfast."

Chills ran down Lyra's spine at the sickly sweet voice that washed over her. Pan was tense in her lap, claws digging into her thighs. A decedent breakfast was spread out across the table but she noticed none of it, just the short distance between them and her. Her perfectly coiled dark hair framed her powdered face, scarlet lips twisted into a terrifying smile. Cold, emotionless eyes bore into Lyra.

"No," she whispered, fingers kneading Pan's back. How? How was she back in the one place she wanted to avoid the most? "No, this can't be real."

"What do you mean, dear?" Mrs Coulter's sounded concerned, lips a worried smile where her eyes were like ice. "Why would this not be real? Where else would you want to be?"

"No, no, no!" Lyra shot up, chair clattering to the floor behind her. She stumbled backwards, Pan flying in front of her and arching his back. His speckled brown fur stuck up in all directions, sharp teeth bared and hisses coming from his mouth. Panic and fury swirled in Lyra's chest, clutching and squeezing at her heart. "I don't want to be here. I want to go home!"

"Lyra, darling, this is your home." Mrs Coulter pursed her lips. "You've never had another. Why wouldn't your home be with your mother?"

"It e'nt!" Lyra's hands trembled, every breath hard to take. Pan backed up against her legs, tail wrapping around them, as the golden monkey paced forward. "My home is with my dad in Oxford! In Jordan college, where everyone likes you!"

"With Asriel?" Mrs Coulter let out a confused laugh, ringing in Lyra's ears till it twisted into a sinister cackle. She winced. "Dear, he abandoned you when you were just a baby. It's only ever been you and me. What has gotten into you this morning?"

Huh? No. This was wrong, this was all wrong. Pan whimpered, his confusion spiking through Lyra. It didn't make any sense at all. She must be lying. She always lied.

"No," Lyra shook her head, hands clenched in her silk trousers. "It's never been us! You're the one who abandoned me! I don't want a mother like you, never!"

Mrs Coulter raised one delicate eyebrow, a smile curving her lips once again. Without warning the golden monkey surged forward, grabbing Pan in his claws and slamming him into the ground. Lyra fell with him, crying out in pain. Pan was bigger, shifting from wild cat to wolverine, but it wasn't enough to overpower the monkey. Sharp teeth tore into Pan's side, claws digging into his throat. Lyra gasped for air, phantom fingers choking her, every bit of Pan's pain hitting her twofold. Nausea roiled in her stomach.

"Lyra, darling, what have I told you about such coarse behaviour? I won't tolerate it. Must we do this every day?"

"Let go of us!" Lyra yelled, writhing on the ground as Pan struggled to get free. Snarls and squeals constantly escaped from his mouth, fear clutching him as black talons scraped down his side. "You're hurting us, please, let go!"

"I don't see why I should. I've given you so many chances, my love, but you disobey me at every turn. All I need is for you to be the lovely obedient daughter I know you can be."

"No," Lyra shook her head, hot tears spilling down her cheeks. "No, no, stop it! Stop it!"

"I'm doing this for you, can't you see that? It's because I love you, darling, that I punish you like this."

Mrs Coulter's words got more muffled as the monkey grew more vicious, picking Pan up only to slam his head into the ground again and again. Lyra whimpered, vision splintered until she couldn't even make out Pan. Pain tore through them both, heaving breaths ripping through her lungs.

"No, no, please, stop, no."

"Lyra!" Another voice, distant.

"You know how much I care for you, don't you, darling? So why can't you-"

"Let me go!" Lyra screamed, reaching out for Pan with what little strength she had left. Her fingers brushed his tail. It wasn't enough, she couldn't save him, they were trapped. She felt like she was being torn apart. "Pan, pan... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, stop!"

"Lyra! Lyra!"

The golden monkey was shaking Pan, claws sunk into his flesh

"No! No, no, no!"

"Lyra!"

With a scream Lyra bolted up, face planting into a rough woollen material. Her chest heaved with sobs, cheek wet with tears she didn't remember spilling. Pan threw himself under her sweat slick shirt, pressing into her chest. His soft fur against her bare, clammy skin was enough for her vision to come more into focus. Her nails dug into strong, tense biceps. A large hand rubbed her back, gentle soothing motions, and two voices began to register in her mind.

"She's in shock right now. Hold her closer."

"I don't want to hurt her. You heard what she was yelling."

"Because she was having a nightmare. Asriel, she-"

Asriel. "D- dad."

"Lyra," Asriel breathed, arms tightening around her. She was bundled up into his chest, familiar warmth and smell drawing her out of the confused state her and Pan had been in. "I'm here."

She tilted her head up, catching his concerned look immediately. Asriel's face was lined with worry, brow furrowed and lips twisted downward. He was just as panicked as when she'd broken her arm, perhaps more. He was in her room, on her bed, holding her without any reluctance. Stelmaria sat beside the bed, face hovering just centimetres from Lyra, gaze fixed on the spot Pan was trembling against her skin. Their concern was palatable.

It hadn't been real. It was a nightmare.

Her body shook uncontrollably, words stuck in her throat as she tried to explain. Asriel didn't say anything, just holding her and patting her back. He pressed occasional kisses to the crown of her head, allowing her to burrow back into his chest against the wool jumpers she loved so much. Because they were his, always on him, embodying him and smelling like him. Pan slowly uncurled from against her, crawling out from her shirt with his belly low. He crouched on her leg, trembling eyes fixed downwards. Stelmaria carefully nudged him, before comfortingly grooming him from head to tail.

Under the gentle ministrations of their parents they slowly calmed down, breathing evening out and panic no longer clutching them.

"I dreamt of my- her." Lyra tried to stop her voice from trembling, reaching over for Pan to steady herself. He nudged his head into the palm of her hand, the two of them slowly figuring out the nightmare they'd shared. "It felt so real. She said... She said you'd abandoned me and I were with her the whole time. Then the monkey started hurting Pan- me. It were horrible."

"I see." Asriel's arms tensed around her, before gently shifting her to sit across his lap. She could see him more easily like this, his knitted brow and the rage dancing across his eyes. Her head rested against his shoulder, something she had to slouch to easily do - she wasn't as small as she'd once been, no longer fitting so easily into her father's arms. It was a shame he'd only really started holding her after she'd gone through her first growth spurt. "That will never happen - would have never happened. I don't regret anything, whether it's being with your mother or having and raising you. Believe me, I didn't keep you because I had to."

Somehow, it was Asriel's blunt honesty that comforted her the most. He showed it more now, and there were times when she was younger she felt he didn't want her, but she knew deep down that wasn't the case. Why go through the effort of being around at all if he didn't? Her nightmare would never be true. Asriel and Stelmaria were there to protect them both. She could deal with Mrs Coulter being in her nightmares if she woke up with Asriel there beside her.

He'd chosen her.

"Do you think you can go back to sleep?" Asriel asked, surprisingly thoughtful for once. Normally he'd just tell her to sleep no matter what.

Lyra shook her head. The fear from the nightmare still clung to them, and she knew if her and Pan slept now they'd just be thrown back into it. If they could get back to sleep at all.

"Alright." Asriel patted her back. "Get up, you're getting too heavy for this."

He was the one who put her there in the first place. Lyra rolled her eyes and slipped off his knee. Pan leapt into her arms, draping himself around her neck and pressing his nose into her hair.

You stink, he mumbled to her. She ignored him. It wasn't her fault she was all sweaty after a nightmare, hair dishevelled and sticking up everywhere. She'd deal with it in the morning.

"Let's play a game of chess, then." Asriel stood up, stretching his arms above his head like a big cat awakening from its slumber. "Using your brain is the best way to tire yourself out."

That didn't sound right, but Lyra went along with it anyway. She didn't really like chess and she wasn't all that good at it, because she rarely played it, but she wasn't going to turn down something with Asriel. They'd last played when she was... Eleven, probably. A long time ago.

Being in his company, Pan snuggled up with Stelmaria, was the best way for them to relax enough to go back to sleep anyway.

-

"Whatcha doing after school?" Lyra leaned over into Will's side of the table, bumping their shoulders together. There was five minutes till the end of school and the teacher had pretty much given up teaching. It was almost the summer holidays anyway, and half the class wasn't taking this subject into the next year. "Want to do something?"

"I can't," Will shook his head, tapping his pen against the history question he'd been working on. "I have extra boxing practice today."

"Oh... Can I come watch?"

When Lyra had first found out Will did boxing, she'd been confused. For someone who hated violence it sure was a violent sport. But as she got to know him more she understood a bit. Will was a kind, caring person but he was also tough and reserved. Lyra often wore her feelings on her sleeve, unless it was tears, whereas Will's were hidden under so many layers. She could see them, just. There was a strange anger there she didn't understand - so different from her own, which she carried from her life's circumstances.

Boxing somehow fit in the multi faceted person that was Will. She really liked that about him... Pan shot her a look of confusion at the sudden emotion, an odd one neither knew. It must be because she'd never had a friend like Will.

"Sure, but it isn't very interesting."

"You're just being modest," Lyra laughed lightly. "Anyway, we'll have Kirjava for company, right?"

"Right," Will's mouth twitched up.

"I'll do my best," Kirjava said, looking over from where she'd been helping hold open Will's textbook. She was a small grey rabbit, back foot perfect for keeping a book open. Pan lay beside her as a black rat, completely flattened against this table with all of his limbs hidden underneath him. They'd been talking to each other quietly, noses twitching. "It's quite loud next to the ring."

"Lyra's louder," Pan chittered. Lyra didn't even bicker with him about it, cause he was right for once and she was just glad to spend more time with Will. She could feel that Pan was too.

"We won't stay the whole time," Lyra said, reaching over to scratch Pan behind the ears. He bumped his nose against her hand before crawling up her arm and onto her shoulder, in time for the bell to pierce through the air. "Just for a bit."

"Whatever you want," Will held up his hands with a smile. "Just don't complain if you get bored."

"I won't. Pan would stop me anyway."

"I don't think I could stop you doing anything," Pan muttered in her ear. It was true that she didn't listen to his supposedly sensible advice often, because he was a bit of a wimp, but that wasn't always the case. One the surface they bickered but underneath that they agreed more often than not. Before other people, they were closest to each other. If Pan really wanted her to stop, she would.

"I'll show you where you can sit, then I'll have to go get changed," Will said after packing his bag, making his way out of the classroom. Lyra nodded, following him through the throngs of teenagers leaving school for the day. It was too crowded for them to talk without shouting, and Lyra knew any conversation would be one sided in these conditions. Pan clung to the front of her blazer, sharp black eyes darting around.

School crowds were the worst.

"You can sit here," Will pointed to a wooden bench at the side of one of the school's gym halls, the smallest one. There was a boxing ring set up in the middle. "I, uh, better introduce you."

He waved to the middle aged man that was coming their way, dressed in a blue tracksuit. The coach then. His daemon was a golden eagle standing on his shoulder.

"Afternoon, Will. You're here early, are you," he looked at Lyra with a smile, "wanting to get out of practice."

"No! She's just here to watch. This is Lyra, a classma-"

"Friend," Lyra corrected, smiling as politely as she could. She'd gotten quite good at it after a few weeks with Mrs Coulter. To match this, Pan turned into a slightly smaller golden eagle to match the coach's, chirping a greeting. "I just wanted to watch Will practicing for a bit, if that's alright?"

Will looked at her like she'd grown a second head. She could be polite when necessary!

"Of course!" He clapped Will on the back with a grin. "I'm glad Will brought along a friend. Take a seat, you can stay as long as you'd like."

"I'd better go get changed, Mr Hanway," Will smiled awkwardly, taking a few steps away. Kirjava jumped up from his feet into his arms, shifting from a cat into a hare as she did. "See you soon, Lyra."

Lyra held back a laugh as he practically fled, making her way over to the hard bench. Pan hopped off her shoulder, turning into a scruffy red fox and looking around. It was just Mr Hanway setting over for a while, then other boys started to make their way in. Lyra grinned and waved enthusiastically at Will when he returned, wearing a loose tank top and shorts. He shot her a pointed look, clearly telling her to not cause any trouble, but his lips twitched upwards. He was too far away for Kirjava to join Lyra and Pan, turning his back to them as he listened to whatever their coach was telling them about.

Lyra was a bit bored already, but she'd asked to come along so she was going to stick it out... At least until she got to see Will fight a match. She wasn't really here for anything else, just curiosity and maybe wanting to get a little bit closer to him. After all she knew everything about Roger's life (pretty much), so she should for Will's too!

"Will's going up first." Kirjava padded over to them, turning into a silky russet fox to match Pan. They were close enough to the ring that she could sit with them. "He said not to be disappointed if he loses."

"Why am I surrounded by pessimists?" Lyra snorted, looking pointedly at Pan. He jumped down from the seat beside her to be beside Kirjava, fluffy tail hitting Lyra's leg on the way down. "I e'nt gonna be disappointed, but I think Will will win."

"I think so too," Kirjava chuckled. "His opponent is too confident, so he always lets his guard down."

"Shouldn't you be helping Will?" Pan asked, head tilted. Normally during a fight (which Lyra had a few too many of) a Daemon would be fighting other daemons, or giving helpful tips to their humans. The latter was what they'd imagined for a structured sport like this.

Kirjava shook her head. "He doesn't need it."

Lyra wondered what it was like not to get constant commentary whenever she did anything like that. She side eyed Pan, who hit her with his tail again.

"Look, he's starting."

Lyra turned her attention to the boxing ring in the centre.

Will’s opponent was shorter than him, but stockier. He seemed confident, with a swagger in his step as they circled each other. Probably underestimating Will.

His opponent attacked first, swinging at Will wildly. Will easily ducked under it, hitting him in the stomach before backing off. His opponent didn’t take it well, instantly attacking Will again, punching constantly with each wilder than the last. One caught Will’s shoulder and knocked him down. Lyra winced, glancing at Kirjava - she didn’t seem concerned at all.

Will got back up. From there he avoided and caught most attacks his way, as if he’d learned his opponent's attack patterns. He grabbed the other boy's arm as it shot out, knocking him down with two punches.

His opponent didn’t get back up. His chest heaved up and down as if he was exhausted, while Will didn’t look anywhere near as tired.

Will took off his boxing gloves and ducked under the boxing ring ropes, grabbing his towel and rubbing his head with it. It then rested around his neck as he nodded to something the coach said, before jogging over to Lyra.

"Told you that you'd win," Kirjava purred.

Lyra laughed, grabbing the water bottle beside her and holding it out to him.

"Thanks," Will took the water, chugging a quarter of the bottle at once. He ran a hand through his sweat slick curls, top sticking to his warm brown skin. Lyra could just about see muscle definition under there... Which she was surprised about. Was Will actually stronger than he looked? Well, he did do boxing.

She would definitely win in a normal fight though, without any of those silly rules. Not that she'd ever fight Will.

"That was impressive," she grinned, tilting her head up towards him. He gave a light shrug. Because of course, if there was one thing Will was great at it was playing off his own talents. "You got a real eye for finding weaknesses. Maybe I should bring you along next time I gotta fight other kids on our territory."

"Are you sure you're not part of a gang?" Will shook his head while laughing, handing back the water bottle. Lyra belatedly realised she'd given him hers. Ah well. Sharing a bottle between friends was nothing... Wow, it was quite hot in this gym. Pan shifted into a cat then a pine marten in confusion. "You're still fighting?"

"Not as much. Each group keeps to themselves more, there e'nt so much rivalries between the college's either. But it still happens a bit."

"Well... Count me out on any of those fights. I'm not the fighting sort- I know I do boxing, but it's really not the same. It's got rules. It's a good way to let off steam." Will smiled teasingly. "Maybe you should try it out."

"No way," Lyra grimaced. The thought of putting on all that equipment and then having to hold back her punches cause a referee told her to stop was horrendous. Either she'd fight dirty and properly or not at all. "Just like you like your fighting with rules, I like mine without."

"Fair." Will rubbed the back of his head, glancing over to where the other students were. "I think I gotta go join the others for drills now. Are you going to stick around, or?"

Lyra pulled out her phone to check the time, shaking her head when she noticed a text from Asriel asking when she'd be home. Looked like he'd left work early, a relatively rare occasion she wanted to make the most of. Normally he wasn't home till dinner time (and sometimes not even that).

"I better go, my dad's asking where I am... I'm glad I came along! It e'nt everyday I get to see you fight."

"It isn't any day you get to see it," Will snorted. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye Lyra," Kirjava purred, bumped her head against Pan's. "Pan."

"Bye!" Lyra and Pan said at the same time. Pan leapt up onto Lyra's shoulder and she headed out the gym.

She let out a sigh when she got out of the building, a cool breeze hitting her heated cheeks. She hoped she wasn't getting ill... Nah, she never got sick. Pan was certain it was because she'd eaten so much mud as a child, but so had he so he couldn't really get on her case about it. It wasn't her fault that he explored the world with his nose and mouth when they were young, and she'd copied him.

"That was fun. Maybe we should tag along more often."

"Maybe we should join a club instead," Pan hummed in her ear, whiskers twitching against her neck. Lyra shrank away. It tickled.

"Which should we join? I e'nt sure there are any that fit us."

"How about debating. You love arguing so much."

"Yeah, and you're great at defending your point," Lyra snorted, good naturedly squeezing his furry cheeks.

"Creative writing?"

"What, where I have to write to stupid prompts? Nah." Lyra still loved telling epic tales to anyone who'd listen, and she'd kept up general creative writing when she had time. She just hated when it was structured. "How bout football?"

"You'd get kicked out for cheating or violence."

Yeah, he was right. Lyra wasn't very good at following the rules so she tended to stick to football with her group of friends on the street, where a bit of violence was accepted - encouraged, even.

"I don't think we should join a club after all." Pan shook out his fur and leapt off her shoulder, shifting into a starling. "You'd get kicked out of all of them."

"I wouldn't!" Just some. Or most. Maybe Pan was right, but she didn't want to admit it.

They'd put that idea to bed, then. She just wasn't meant for something so structured.

-

"Where do you wanna try explore today, Pan?" Lyra craned her neck to look at Pan, who was stretched out across her chest as a scruffy black cat. She lay on her back across a flat roof just a few building's into Jordan college, mild sun shining across her. Roger had a cooking club today, something he'd picked up over the last few months, so it was just her and Pan. Normally on days like this she'd go home and pester Asriel, but both of them had been drawn to the roofs like moths to a flame. It had been a while since they'd gone up there just the two of them.

Lying down was nice, a welcome reprieve after an annoyingly hectic day at school, but after a short while energy began to buzz under her skin.

"Let's go up the lodge tower," Pan stretched out his whole body before jumping off her. "We haven't been for a while. I'd like to see if the wren nest is still up there."

"Lodge tower it is!" Lyra hopped up, grabbing her school bag and slinging it over her shoulder. It was rare for Pan to suggest they climb to one of the more dangerous locations, so he must have really missed it. "Let's go."

Lodge tower was one of the taller ones in Jordan, made out of old and uneven stones that were crumbling in some places. It made for good hand holds but it wasn't the safest to climb up. Roger didn't like it, so Lyra never went when they were together. It was worth it to get to the top, with stunning views across Oxford.

Lyra ran along the sloping roofs leading towards it, avoiding the main quads just in case someone spotted her. She was pretty sure Asriel was working in the college today, and she didn't want to be stopped before she'd even started climbing. He was fine with most things but scaling a tower without equipment was probably one of the few he'd stop her doing.

But she'd done it plenty of times before. It was fine.

"This way," Pan flapped around the bottom of the tower, quickly finding Lyra the best route to go up. He turned into a small chimpanzee and onto the side, carefully testing the rocks to make sure they'd hold Lyra's weight. Lyra reached up for the first sticking out brick, pulling herself up onto the tower wall.

Pan climbed up in front of her, giving suggestions for where she could put her hands and feet. Sometimes he'd fly up ahead then come back to keep climbing. It was hard work, Lyra's arms and thighs aching by the time she was half way up, but it was thrilling seeing the world below get more distant. It was quite different from the normal roofs. Rough stone scraped her hands and she revelled in it, because it was proof that she was out here doing the things she loved.

She loved it even more after being trapped inside and told she shouldn't do these things. She was never going to be a perfect lady or whatever Mrs Coulter- her mother- had wanted her to be.

"It's so quiet up here," Pan sighed as he pulled himself over the stone parapet. Lyra followed, sprawling herself out across the flat roof. Light pants escaped her lips and sweat clung to her back. Once she caught her breath she sat up, looking out over Jordan college with a wide grin.

"It's great! I forgot how good the view was up here."

"Yeah, we haven't been since before..." Pan trailed off, turning into a rat and burrowing into her shirt. She stroked down his spine and soft tail. "It feels different."

Lyra scratched between his ears with a hum of agreement. It did. In many ways things were still the same. Asriel treated her like normal and let her do as she pleased within reason. But Lyra had experienced a different life for a short while, one she hated, and been with a woman that hurt her more than anyone else had.

Why couldn't she have had a mother that accepted her for everything she was, just like her father did?

"It's nicer, I think." She hugged Pan against her, tilting her head down to nuzzle into his fur. "Cause we haven't been here so long and we were trapped for a while. Makes the Oxford roofs even better."

"I like being able to fly wherever I want."

"I like you being able to as well," Lyra smiled. A warm breeze whistled past them, ruffling hair and fur. She bathed in it, breathing in the fresh air. "This is our place for just the two of us. We e'nt gotta worry about anything else up here."

She lay back down, looking up at the soft blue sky. Pan shifted into an ermine and stretched out along her chest, her steady breathing shifting him up and down. They didn't need to talk anymore because they could feel everything the other did, and some things couldn't be put into words. Lyra felt relieved that this place was like she remembered. It had only been a few weeks since she was last up here, but the recurring nightmares she had clung to her mind and planted a seed of doubt. She kept waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under her.

Up here, they felt content and safe. High above all the people going about their daily business, away from others eyes and expectations. Just them, but in a nice way, not because there was no one else there for them.

Lyra felt like she could reach the sky here.

They stayed up there for a while, moving between silence and soft conversations, before Pan suggested they climb back down in case it started raining, with dark clouds looking on the horizon. Lyra didn't want to get stuck in the rain, or actually fall, so she went along with what he suggested easily enough. The way down was a bit more difficult, but Pan guided her the whole way.

"Suppose we should go back," Lyra stretched out her aching arms. She didn't feel like going home yet, but she always wanted to get changed before dinner.

"We can stay out a bit longer," Pan suggested, hopping onto her shoulder. For once he was the one yearning to be outside, completely free, for longer. "Just check your phone first."

"Ah, yeah."

Still the same overly sensible Pan.

Her phone lit up as soon as she pulled it out of her pocket with an incoming call from Asriel. She and Pan shared a look of confusion. "What're you calling for?"

"Where are you right now?"

Lyra rolled her eyes at Asriel's sharp words that completely ignored what she'd asked, silencing Pan with a look when he scrambled to talk to Stelmaria. "After school activities."

"Oh? When did you start that?"

"Last week. I was inspired after I went along to watch Will boxing."

"Interesting. Which one?"

"Creative writing one. Y’know I've always been good at making stuff up."

"Hah, you are. The wind's too loud for you to be inside, Lyra."

Lyra blushed with indignation. He'd known where she was all along.

"You have ten minutes to get home."

"Fifteen."

"Five."

"Fine! I'll be home in ten."

Lyra hung up with a huff. Ten meant she could take a slightly longer and more fun route across the roofs at least.

"I wonder what he wants us for," Pan pondered, running along the thin roof ridge in front of her as a squirrel. His bushy tail swayed from side to side as he easily kept his balance. Lyra walked after him step by step, feet almost parallel in front of each other. It was a challenge, but a fun one. The worst thing if she slipped was that she'd slide down to the next roof over anyway. "You haven't broken any rules have you?"

"How'd I do that without you knowing?"

"Don't know."

"Dad e'nt got many rules either... It e'nt the time I need to be home for, it definitely e'nt my bedtime," not that Asriel was strict about that anyway, "and I e'nt done anything dangerous."

"Maybe we're having dinner earlier."

"The cafeteria e'nt even open."

"He's cooking?"

Lyra made a face. "I hope not."

Asriel wasn't a good cook. Any meal he'd made that was a success was done with Thorold, and the few times he'd cooked something for him and Lyra it had been pretty awful. So bad Lyra ended up cooking up some plain pasta because at least it wasn't charred black.

She couldn't really complain much, cause if it was possible to fail first year home ec she would've, but at least she knew that and didn't try to cook.

"I'm home!" Lyra barged into the flat, yanking off her shoes and throwing them to the side. Asriel looked up with his laptop where he sat at the kitchen table, eyebrow raised. Stelmaria padded forward to greet Pan, leaning down to tap their noses together before lightly licking his head.

"Good." Asriel beckoned her over. Lyra scurried over to sit at the table, glancing around for any signs of attempted cooking. None, and the air lacked the distinct burnt food smell. It seemed her stomach was safe. "Did you have a good time on the Lodge Tower roof? It's quite the sight up there."

Lyra gaped, knees jiggling up and down. "How did you know?"

"Shuter saw you. Next time ask him for the key to the trapdoor."

"Alright." She definitely wouldn't. Part of the appeal was climbing it, not just going up flights of stairs that went on and on! "What'd you want me back for anyway."

"Shopping," Asriel replied succinctly.

"We have some extra funds thanks to lecturing," Stelmaria explained for him. "The furniture in this place is quite old. Almost as old as you, in fact. We thought it was time to get some new furniture."

"It was Stelmaria's idea."

"Yes," Stelmaria laughed. "Asriel could happily live in a dump."

Lyra laughed at that. She didn't care much either, but it would be nice to change the living room a bit... Maybe they could finally get a television! Everyone had them, even Roger. He just had to fight four other people for it. "Why do you need me back then? I e'nt the one spending money."

Asriel snorted. "It's your home too, isn't it?"

"You mean I get to choose?"

"You get to give your opinion. And there's some things you could do with, like a laptop. It'll be easier than lending you mine everytime you need it."

Lyra nodded. She was pretty much only able to use Asriel's laptop for school work, which sucked. Sure her phone had internet access but it really wasn't the same. "I want a brand new gaming laptop!"

"Be reasonable."

Lyra pouted. "What about a gaming console?"

"I'll consider it. You can get a normal laptop."

"Fine... Can we get a TV?"

"Yes, that's already chosen."

"Oh, some sofas too! I want to be able to have friends round and not just sit on the floor."

Asriel nodded, before looking at her scrutinisingly. "Is there anything you want for your room?"

Lyra frowned, thinking about it with Pan. Her room was pretty great. Sure, the furniture had mostly been there since they moved in, but she'd gotten bits and pieces throughout her life to add to it. She was attached, even if the wardrobe door was creaky and slightly squint and her bookshelf wobbled if she leaned on it too hard. "A comfier mattress?"

"Yours is more comfortable than any you'd have if you came north with me," Asriel snorted, but he clicked a few things on his computer anyway. Lyra assumed that was him looking for a mattress.

"I'm good otherwise! Can't think of much I need... 'cept a gaming laptop which you already said no to."

"Complaining won't get you one." Asriel pushed his laptop over to her. "Take a look and pick a normal laptop. I've already filtered it to what I'm willing to buy you."

Lyra grinned, and dived into the list. If she was truly honest, she was just happy Asriel was willing to buy things for her - and to make their home even more comfortable.

-

"What's that?"

"Lyra," Asriel heaved out a sigh of irritation, eyes flashing darkly. "I allowed you to help because you wanted to, not to explain every little piece of equipment to you. Are you five? I was sure you grew out of your why and what's that phase then."

"You're the one that taught me to always question things," Lyra retorted cheekily,

"Not like this."

"Well how am I supposed to help if I dunno what anything does? I'm so bored."

Asriel leaned back from his work bench with a heavy frown, scrutinising Lyra. "Let me finish this, then I'll find you something to do. Look around just now... Without constant questions."

Lyra nodded, half heartedly conceding. She followed Pan over to the other side of the room, hopping from table to table. The room was relatively large with a work bench in the centre that Asriel was currently at, and others lining the wall Lyra had walked to. The other side had a normal office desk and chair, covered in papers. Everything was covered in something, from design plans to bits of metal or circuits. There were all sorts of tools strewn about, some she recognised and some she didn't.

After glancing around she watched Asriel, tilting her head. He was fiddling with what looked like a circle of metal, all sorts of wires hanging out of it. He was carefully adding parts so small Lyra could barely see them. It looked like sort of some kind of power core, maybe.

"I wonder what he's making," she whispered to Pan, who was pushing over screwdrivers as a ferret.

"Something to do with harnessing shadow particles."

"Yea, I know that!" Lyra rolled her eyes. "But what specifically?"

She was burning with curiosity, the urge to understand and be able to help. She wanted to be able to make things with him. That was why she was here, to help. She wanted to understand everything.

Her father's work had always seemed so abstract, entirely theoretical with a few fancy pictures thrown in. She'd never realised that he spent more time building than researching. It was so... Practical, so different from the lofty picture she'd held of research and professors. Yet, it fit.

Asriel seemed so much more at home here, soldering large circuits and screwing together parts, than surrounded by old books or lecturing to the bored masses. It was a place where he built things with his own hands. It suited him.

It suited her too. She wouldn't have been able to stand looking through books all day.

"What exactly were your degree?" Lyra piped up when Asriel put down the circular device he was working on. She'd always assumed it was physics of some kind, everyone called him a psychicist, but that didn't seem right. Did most physicists spend all their time working with their hands, engineering devices? Though they'd only watched his work today, Pan reminded her.

"My PhD is in particle physics. That's what I'm tenured for, but my bachelor's and master's are joint degrees in physics and mechanical engineering."

"That's way cooler than just physics."

"It's not about coolness," Asriel snorted. He walked over to her, leaning against the workbench beside them. Stelmaria followed him languidly. "It's about interest, and the importance of the work. I wouldn't have made the same progress with just one or the other."

"So I should choose my degree cause it'd help me do something important."

"You should pick your degree because it's something you want to do, nothing else," Asriel ruffled her hair. "Now, do you still want to help?"

"Yes!"

"Have you soldered before?"

"Course! Everyone had to do it in engineering, which y'know I'm taking next year. Was easy."

"Great." Asriel grasped her shoulders and steered her over to another workbench, fit with a soldering iron and covered in circuit pieces. "You can solder all of these for me then. These instructions should be sufficient, yes?"

"Yup!" Pan answered for her, hopping into the table and scanning the scrawled instructions. Lyra wondered who they were for. Thorold? Thankfully both her and Pan could read Asriel's handwriting, with Pan having more energy to actually read these kinds of things.

"Don't disturb me unless it's important." Asriel strode back over to the other side of the room, Stelmaria prowling behind him. She stood up on her hind legs, paws placed on the worktop to pore over Asriel's designs with him. Asriel paused, turning to glance back over at Lyra. "Oh, try not to hurt yourself."

"As if." What did he think she was going to do, shove the soldering iron on her hand? Anything less was just a tiny burn, nothing to cry about. Not that she'd burn herself.

It was easy once Pan understood the instructions, Lyra soldering while Pan directed her. Their teamwork made it smooth and quick, and Lyra went from circuit to circuit. It was a bit mindless after a while, but she didn't care.

She was just glad to be finally helping Asriel with his work.

-

"Lyra, where's my map of Svalbard? And my compass?"

Asriel's shout was loud enough that Lyra could hear it through her headphones, and Pan jumped halfway across the table. She looked down at the map spread out across her desk, compass in the corner. She was scrawling down a planned route on a bit of scrap paper, pretending she was about to go on an expedition. She hadn't expected Asriel to miss them so soon, it was quite bad luck.

"I dunno!" Lyra shouted back, lying easily. She swept the maps off her desk and into the drawer underneath it, shoving it closed before Asriel appeared in her doorway. Pan trembled in front of her, shifting into a moth and fluttering over to her hand. He was so nervous he'd give them away within seconds in any other form. Lyra could feel it hitting her in waves, his anxiety gnawing away at her.

"You don't know?" Asriel leaned in the door frame, seeming to take up the whole thing, with Stelmaria standing threateningly in front of him. He fixed Lyra with a severe glare which she replied to with an innocent smile, eyes filled with confusion as if she had no idea why he was asking her. "Who else could have taken it? Are you suggesting there was a thief that only took my maps?"

"Maybe you just lost it," Lyra shrugged one shoulder. Pan's wings fluttered, trying to tell her to just admit it, but she ignored him. Why should she just give it back? "It e'nt hard, considering how many papers are in your room."

"Oh?" Asriel stalked forward until he loomed over her, eyes darkening. "And how do you know how messy my room is? You haven't been in there for weeks."

Pan wailed in her head that they'd been caught, to just give in, as if they'd done something horribly wrong. It was just borrowing a map! She didn't understand why Asriel seemed so angry and why Pan was so worried.

Well, she guessed Asriel looked at least irritated most days.

"A guess cause your room is always messy. I e'nt heard you cleaning it!"

Asriel snorted, glancing at Stelmaria. She flicked her tail and started to look around the room, sharp gaze raking over shelves and nose twitching.

"Tell me where it is."

"I don't have it."

"I don't believe you." Asriel's lips pulled back into a sneer. Stelmaria approached the desk, gaze fixed on the shelf attached underneath it. Lyra didn't react beyond a heated glare, Pan's delicate wings trembling. "I can see through your lies. Not only are you a liar, but also a thief."

"I e'nt!" Lyra leapt to her feet, hot anger surging through her. Pan shifted into a wild cat, mud brown fur spiking up and lips curled up into a snarl. His sharp claws dug into her worn carpet. She wanted to just storm out, but Asriel was blocking the way. "It's just a stupid map! Why're you so annoyed!"

"A stupid map?" Each word was punctuated by Stelmaria's growl, anger blazing across Asriel's rugged face. The sudden fury of it sent a jolt through Lyra's chest. Pan snarled, flickering between wildcat and wolverine. This was so unfair. "It's essential to not only my work, but also my survival. It's not some toy you can take and play with as you please, Lyra!"

"You e'nt even going there! Why're you getting mad at me as if I've destroyed your room! I didn't do anything."

"Because you entered my room without permission, you stole from me and now you lie about it. Of course I'm angry!"

"I just wanted to practice map reading!" Lyra yelled, body trembling. "I weren't to know you needed it! I was gonna give it back!"

"So you did take it," Asriel snapped. His hands clenched into fists at his side, looming over her. Stelmaria stalked forward with a snarl. "Where is it?"

He took a step forward, close enough to grab Lyra, Stelmaria within leaping distance of Pan.

Lyra's breath caught in her throat. Her throat constricted, chest feeling tight as if someone was squeezing it. Pan snarled, flickering into forms smaller and smaller, leaping back into her arms as a polecat. Lyra caught him and flinched back. She had Pan, but Stelmaria was bigger, she could leap up easily. Asriel was blocking off the door, there was nowhere to go, they were trapped, how-

"Lyra!"

Lyra flinched, clutching Pan tight to her chest and forcing herself to focus on what was in front of her. Pan's fear clutched her, his little chest heaving up and down in tandem with her own. She could feel his heart racing against her, and her heart pounding through her skin.

Stelmaria was frozen, eyes wide. All the anger had drained from Asriel's face.

"Lyra, do you think I'm going to hurt you? That Stelmaria is going to hurt Pan."

"No," she shook her head even as she held Pan closer to her chest. He hissed in her arms, fur stuck up in every direction, even as he trembled. She really didn't, not now, she knew Asriel and Stelmaria would never do that, but the fear trembling through them wasn't rational. For a moment they had. It was irrational and instinctual, taking over their thoughts.

"Lyra," Asriel's voice lowered until it was almost soft. He knelt down so that he didn't look over her anymore, crouching just below her height, and Stelmaria retreated to between his legs. "We would never do that."

"I know," Lyra whispered, forcing back the fear. She hated it. It felt so weak, so wrong. She hated that she has affected her so much. Pan whined against her. "I know that- we know, really. It was just..."

"A reaction out of fear," Stelmaria rumbled, gaze soft as she carefully watched Pan.

Asriel cursed under his breath. "If I ever see Marisa again, I swear."

"We're sorry," Stelmaria leaned forward slowly, lightly bumping Lyra's knee with her head. Pan cautiously squirmed out of Lyra's arm, crawling down her leg and reaching out to press his nose against Stelmaria. He jumped off and shifted into a snow leopard, pressing into Stelmaria's side. Relief and warmth washed over Lyra. It soothed away the panic still clinging to them, helping their breathing finally even out.

"Yes," Asriel coughed. "I shouldn't have gotten so angry over this."

Even though he'd been better, especially since the incident with Mrs Coulter, Lyra was still surprised Asriel admitted he was wrong (and especially when he apologised). It was so weird for their arguments to reach a proper, reasonable resolution. She still wasn't used to it. They were both so hardheaded and neither liked to back down... So it meant a lot when Asriel did.

"M'sorry too. For taking the map and compass." She turned around and pulled them out of her drawer, handing them over to Asriel. "I won't again."

Asriel ruffled her hair, rough but nice as his fingertips rubbed into her scalp. "Just ask next time."

"I will." Lyra knelt down, wrapping her arms around Pan's neck. He licked her nose with a gentle purr. Stelmaria padded back to Asriel's side.

"Let's go out for dinner." Asriel stood up, patting Lyra's head. "Then we can map out some routes together."

Lyra grinned, hopping to her feet. The fear was gone now, as quickly as it had appeared, Pan happily shifting into an ermine and draping himself around her neck. "Let's go!"

-

"Absolutely not."

"But why?" Lyra shoved her hands on her hips, ugly smile marring his face. Pan squawked on her shoulder as a seagull, white wings almost hitting her face. "There's plenty of room on my floor for both of them!"

"That's not the problem," Asriel replied far too calmly. "You're not having two teenage boys sleeping in your room. I don't think you should be having them to sleep over at all."

"What d'you think’s gonna happen? I've had Roger for a sleepover plenty of times!"

"When you were younger, and not when I was around."

Lyra scowled at him, holding back that Roger had stayed overnight just over a year ago. She didn't see how becoming a teenager a year ago had anything to do with it. She also didn't understand why Asriel had such a problem with it. "But it's my birthday!"

"Your birthday was yesterday."

"Well, it's my birthday weekend. All the extra days are to make up for the years you missed."

"She's got us there," Stelmaria rumbled, looking up at Asriel. He pinched his nose, jaw tense. He seemed to be trying to stay calm and Lyra watched, wondering how far she could push this. She definitely wasn't going to back down. Stelmaria's calm gaze flickered over to her. "Whether you agree or not, it's inappropriate to have them sleeping in your room. Why don't they stay in the living room?"

Asriel grunted his agreement at his daemon's suggestion, fingers curling in her fur. Pan calmed down on Lyra's shoulder, shifting into a more sedate magpie, and she stopped scowling. At least one of Asriel and Stelmaria was sensible!

"There's enough sleeping bags and roll mats for them," Asriel conceded.

"Great! I've always wanted to sleep in the living room, it'll be like camping! Oh, can we make s'mores? It e'nt the same as a camp fire but our fire will do. I'm definitely sleeping furthest from the toilet, I don't want to be stepped on during the night."

"Lyra, you're not-"

"Lyra, the time!" Pan chirped in her ears, wing hitting her cheek and beak pointed to the kitchen clock. Oh shit. Lyra completely ignored Asriel's glare drilling into her and Stelmaria's intense stare, half amused, as she grabbed her bag from the table.

"Thanks dad! Gotta go or I'll be late to my own party... Remember you promised you'd order pizza for later!"

She didn't even let him reply to that before sprinting out the door with a wave and a cheeky grin. It was obvious that he was irritated, expression harsh and back rigid where he'd normally lounge. But Lyra also knew she could get away with it, today, because it was the day after her birthday and everything she'd said was true - he still had a lot of years to make up for.

"We'll have to walk fast," Pan said from her shoulder, flapping off it as soon as she jogged outside. Lyra wasn't too worried about that, because she knew all the shortcuts (even if they weren't the safest) and was quite quick anyway. "We should've asked Roger to come round and collect us."

"He clearly had something to do with Will first, with how shifty he was acting yesterday. Normally I wouldn't even have to ask... And it's fine, e'nt it, I have you to watch the time?"

"It'd be better if you paid attention too," Pan complained, even though they both knew he'd keep doing it for them. He was the more observant one of the both, the one who stuck to times, whereas the specific hours of the day didn't matter too much to Lyra.

It was a fair bit of a walk to the nearest bowling alley, which Lyra had booked a lane in (well, Asriel had for her) for two hours. They turned what was meant to be a half hour walk into twenty minutes, climbing over walls and sneaking through people's garden. It was the more direct route, if not the correct one. She got there in time! That was all that mattered, no matter how much Pan was complaining in her ear as she strode into the bowling place out of breath.

"Will, Roger!" She waved wildly, running over to her friends. They stood at the counter chatting and didn't seem frustrated, so they mustn't have arrived too early.

"Happy birthday, Lyra," Will smiled.

"Happy day after your birthday," Roger laughed. He'd come over the actual day, of course, for a traditional pancake breakfast. Lyra had spent the actual day with Asriel, who'd shockingly taken the day off work. Just a year ago Lyra wouldn't have believed it was even possible. Her dad chose her over work! Her workaholic dad!

"Thanks," Lyra grinned. Pan hopped off her shoulder to talk to Sacilia and Kirjava, getting his own birthday wishes.

"Nice that you've caught up to us," Roger teased, nudging her arm.

"In age but not height," Will added.

"Hey!" Lyra glared at them both. Yes, she was short. It was quite frustrating because Roger has been too - even shorter than her. But unlike her he'd shot up in the last year whereas her growth had slowed to a crawl. Will had always been taller than her, so she wasn't really bothered by that, but now that Roger stood just a bit taller than her... Yeah, that annoyed her. "I can fit in plenty places you two can't. Smaller is better for climbing too! You won't be laughing when you can't get about the roofs as easily."

"That e'nt gonna happen," Roger shook his head. "Eventually we'll be too old to go up there anyway."

"Never. I'll always go up there."

"Suureee you will."

"Why don't we get our lane and shoes?" Will interrupted diplomatically, directing Lyra towards the counter. "They won't hold it long past the booked time."

Lyra had entirely forgotten that she'd turned up just in time, immediately turning to check them in. She really wanted to do bowling... And didn't want her dad's money to go to waste. Having to tell him why wouldn't be fun.

"Don't think I'll go easy on you guys just cause it's my birthday," Lyra looked up from pulling on the slightly oversized bowling shoes with a smirk. Pan puffed up his chest at her side, a large sleek panther. "I e'nt letting you win."

"I'm pretty sure it's meant to be the other way round," Will chuckled. "We should go easy on you since it's your birthday."

"Don't you dare."

"Don't worry, we won't."

"Good." Lyra grinned, flexing her arms. "Cause when I win it'll be cause I'm just that good."

-

Asriel had pizza ready for them when they got back.

The tantalising smell hit Lyra's nose as soon as she opened the door. Her mouth started watering, Pan's pink nose twitching as she already imagined eating it. It had been so long since she'd had pizza that wasn't just the cheapest one she could get from the supermarket... It smelled delicious.

"Thanks, dad!" Lyra skipped over to him first where he stood in the kitchen, barrelling into him. He caught her before they both fell and awkwardly patted her back. She pulled back from the hug after a short while. Pan had wrapped his front legs around Stelmaria's shoulders, rubbing his face against the back of her neck.

Asriel grunted. "How was bowling?"

"Good! We won two of the three games! Pan were great at figuring out the right angles to throw from."

"Just," Will commented, coming up behind them. "Hello, Asriel."

"Will," Asriel nodded to him, then Roger. Lyra was honestly surprised with how confidently Will was greeting him. Roger still found her dad quite scary, and she knew his was the more common opinion... Even adults were scared of him. "I have something to do, so I'll leave you in peace. Enjoy the pizza."

Lyra hadn't asked her dad to leave, but she supposed it was nicer that it was just the three of them for a while. She grabbed the pizza boxes and opened them all on the table, practically salivating at all the different, delicious types he'd ordered.

"Help yourself," she mumbled through a slice she'd already grabbed, unable to wait. There were exactly three chairs at their kitchen table, something she'd always been confused about (there were only two of them at home) but was thankful for today. They could all sit there!

Will and Roger joined her in scarfing down pizza, starved from the very strenuous bowling (they'd put their all into it, too much sometimes).

"Did you guys bring your overnight stuff?" Lyra asked as she demolished her fifth slice of pizza. "Dad said s'alright as long as we sleep in the living room."

"I did."

"I live like, one floor down Lyra, I'll just go grab it," Roger pointed out. "I'm surprised your dad allowed it. He e'nt seem the type to be happy ‘bout others in his home."

"He just looks scary," Lyra waved her hand, as she'd never seen Asriel at his angriest. "Anyway, he loves me too much to say no."

"Actually it was Stelmaria that said it was alright," Pan piped up, hopping onto Lyra's knees and resting his paws on the table. Even though they were having two separate conversations, daemons under the table, they were still both vaguely aware of what the other was saying. "So I'm the one that's loved."

Lyra playful grabbed his cheeks, rubbing them vigorously, and scrunched up her nose. "We e'nt separate people. You're me, I'm you, so we gotta be loved together."

"Guess we're both loved then," Pan squeaked, wriggling out of her grasp and hopping back down to under the table where Sacilia and Kirjava watched with amusement.

"He does seem less scary." Roger snatched up a pizza slice Lyra had her eyes on, completely ignoring her glare. "Your dad, I mean. He e'nt so fierce looking."

"Think it's cause he's chosen to be here, he e'nt constantly wanting to leave for the north." At least Lyra hoped that was the case. Her and Pan still felt insecure about it, now and then, but they also knew that if Asriel and Stelmaria really wanted to go back they just would. They'd done it for so many years. After Asriel came to get her from Mrs Coulter's, a lot of her worries about that had diminished. Not that she entirely trusted his word, though. "Also maybe cause you e'nt so much of a coward anymore."

"Nah, I'm still a coward. That e'nt changed. You just never stopped dragging me around everywhere."

"Did he really used to be that scary?" Will asked, a thick eyebrow raised. Lyra had forgotten that he'd not met Asriel until a year ago, when he'd upgraded to looking slightly less harsh all the time.

"He did," Roger nodded.

"Yeah, whenever he got angry it were terrifying. Even I found it scary. Not that I ever showed it, course." She didn't mind admitting it now, to her two friends, but at the time Lyra would have never admitted to anyone that Asriel terrified her sometimes. "He had this look in his eye too... Like a murderous glint. And when he got real angry Stelmaria would bare her teeth. I heard that once he got so angry she ripped out another demon's throat."

"Why's he not in jail then?" Roger piped in, clearly not believing it one bit.

"He just got out of it. Anyway, with a Daemon like Stelmaria he's always gonna be a bit scary to most people... Course, people don't realise Stelmaria's the calmer of the two." Lyra looked down at Pan, pride filling their chest the more she spoke. Sure, her dad had been intimidating when she was younger, but she'd always been impressed to. Now they were just proud to have Asriel and Stelmaria as their parents. "I hope Pan settles as something like her. Maybe a snow leopard too, or a wolf."

"I want to be something smaller," Pan chirped. "It'll be more convenient."

"Less scary, though."

"I don't need to be scary, you've got that covered."

The other four laughed at that and Lyra just rolled her eyes, playfully kicking at Pan with no intent to actually hit him.

"What about you two?" She turned to look at them. "What do you want Sacilia and Kirjava to settle as?"

She didn't say it, but they all knew it was coming soon. Quite a few people in their year had daemons that had already settled, it was just a matter of time now. As much as Lyra said she wanted Pan to be like Stelmaria, she really didn't want him to settle at all. He didn't want to either.

"Something small," Roger shrugged, looking softly at Sacilia. "I e'nt like you Lyra, we don't wanna stand out."

"A polecat would be nice," Sacilia chirped, currently in that form. It was one of her favourites it seemed, just like Pan enjoyed being an ermine. It made them quite a cute pair.

"I don't care how Kirjava settles." Will reached down to stroke her between the ears, running fingers along her sleek tortoiseshell fur. "Well, I'd rather she wasn't a dolphin or a fish. That'd be inconvenient."

"I'll try my hardest not to inconvenience you," Kirjava purred drily. "I'd rather not be a dolphin too."

"You'd have to be a sailor then," Lyra laughed. "Living on the sea, imagine-"

The lights went out. Pan tensed, shifting into a wild cat and springing into her knees. She clutched her fingers in his fur, eyes narrowed. It was fine, probably just a black out-

"Happy birthday to you!"

Soft candlelight lit the room, and it was filled by off tune singing. Lyra twisted around in her chair, squinting her eyes against the low light to make out Asriel walking into the flat carrying a... Cake? He was singing very badly, though Lyra was fairly certain it was because his singing was monotone rather than anything to do with possible ability.

She was barely able to resist springing out of her seat, vibrating with joy and excitement. She couldn't believe this... They must have planned it together, where would Asriel go to get a cake, had it been at Roger's place? Happiness erupted in her chest. Pan shifting into a rat with a squeak of joy, before turning into a husky, and then finally settling as a pine marten. He rested his paws on Lyra's shoulder, feet on her legs, able to see Asriel and Stelmaria approaching much easier than she could.

"Happy birthday, Lyra," Asriel said gruffly, leaning past her to put the cake down in front of her.

"Blow out the candles and make a wish!" Roger jostled her with a bright grin.

"Try to make it a good one," Will laughed.

Lyra grinned, sharing a look with Pan. He hopped up onto the table and together they drew in a deep breath.

As they blew out all fourteen candles together, they fervently made a wish.

They wished for all their birthdays in the future to be like this, surrounded by all the people they cared about.

Chapter Text

Starting their chosen GCSE subjects was weird, because suddenly Lyra was in a bunch of classes without Will. Before they'd been in the same form class and shared a lot of them, which Lyra had enjoyed. It didn't help that a lot of their shared subjects were ones Lyra had taken advanced classes in, and was going to be sitting her exams for a year early... So she couldn't even be with Will for those.

Now she had to befriend people again, cause she hadn't bothered beyond Will in the last two years. If there was one thing Lyra couldn't stand it was suffering through all her classes without anyone to talk to. Thankfully, she was still quite good at befriending others at a surface level.

"What do you think we should do our presentation on?" Annie, one of Lyra's new friends, asked. She was in a lot of classes with Lyra, both enjoying learning languages and science. "Something easy. I don't wanna talk about complicated stuff in French."

"We'll get a better grade if we do," Helen, the other member of their trio, pointed out. While Helen only took biology, she was in a lot of other classes with Lyra, and had been friends with Annie for a long time. Lyra had just slotted into their friendship. It was nicer that way, because Lyra felt no pressure to get closer to them. "We're all good at french."

"Yeah, but we're not fluent like you."

Helen's mum was French, and so she already spoke the language. Lyra didn't understand why she took the class - even if they were a year ahead of most their age, taking the GCSE this year, it was still horribly boring for her and she wasn't fluent.

"Let's do it about food," Lyra interrupted before they continued arguing back and forth, something she was only half paying attention to. "We all know ‘bout that, right? E'nt too hard but we can find more complicated stuff if we want to."

"Ooh, I like that!" Annie giggled. "We can go to the little French place near Helen's for research!"

"That does sound nice," Helen nodded. "I've been a few times, it's good."

Lyra quickly figured out the chances of getting money from Asriel for something like that before agreeing. It was for school so it was fine! They had a bit more money anyway, so he should really let her go out with friends and all. She barely spent any with Will and Roger, beyond occasional cinema visits.

"When should we go?" Annie asked. "How about after school today?"

"I can't." Lyra immediately shook her head. "I've got something planned with Will and Roger already."

"Oho," Annie wiggled her eyebrows, sharing a look with Helen that Lyra didn't understand at all. "Sounds fun."

"We can do it tomorrow then?" Helen seemed to ignore whatever her friend was suggesting. "My place is free then so it's easier."

"I'm free." Lyra nodded. A loud ringing pierced the air, signalling the end of class and the school day. Lyra shot to her feet and shoved her books in her bag, Pan leaping up her leg and onto her shoulder from where he'd been snoozing under the table. She practically bolted for the door, only remembering to wave when she was halfway across the room. "See you tomorrow!"

"But we don't have any plans today," Pan whispered as they left the classroom. "Why'd you tell them that?"

Lyra shrugged. "Cause I want to go into the roofs with Roger today, but I dunno if they'd understand it. Does it matter? We'll get the work done."

She liked these two, but not enough to tell them the weirder parts of her life. They just weren't that close, not like she was with Will and Roger.

"I suppose not," Pan conceded, rubbing his cheek against hers. "Roger'll go with us if you ask I'm sure."

"He will, so I wasn't lying at all. We do have plans, he just doesn't know it yet."

-

With Asriel around most of the time, Lyra had been doing a lot better with actually going to school and generally acting like a more normal kid (as much as was possible for her). But as soon as he went away for a week, down to London for business, she quickly fell back into old habits. School was just so boring right now, and today she didn't have any of the subjects she really enjoyed.

Especially with a double period of French first... She loved speaking the language, there was a certain thrill in learning new ones, but she hated all the stupid essays they were making them write. She just hated essay writing full stop.

"We should avoid Jordan," Pan whispered in her ear as they slipped away from school, attending form class to avoid Asriel being called right away. "Everyone will report to him if we're spotted and they know all our spots."

"Let's go to St Peter's then. We e'nt explored there much and dad's people e'nt there."

"Isn't that where the other dark matter researchers are?" Pan tilted his head.

"... Maybe. If we bump into em we can ask ‘em about their research."

Maybe she could then introduce them to Asriel, and he'd finally have friends. Not that Lyra knew where these other researchers were in a large campus she planned to mostly explore the outside and roofs of.

As Lyra wandered through the gardens of St Peter's she was hit by a strange feeling. It was like she was supposed to be here, an increasing urgency filling her mind. What was urgent, she didn't know, but there was somewhere she had to be. Pan felt it too, flapping off her shoulder and trotting in front of her.

It was like an invisible thread pulling her forward, stretching out from her chest and tugging her forward. Pan felt it too, pink nose sniffing the air. She didn't know why she had to go inside, just that she did. It (whatever it was, instincts maybe) led her down winding corridors she'd normally love to run along, into a lift and along even more corridors. They were like the professors' offices in Jordan, which Lyra had been to a few times when someone tried to tutor her. She kept going forward, tugged towards a door with a picture of a mountain sellotaped to it.

This was it. The urgency beating in her chest, a heavy weight, lightened. She was meant to go in here, she just knew it.

It was so strange.

Pan hesitated at the door, looking up at her. "Is the dark matter research unit..."

"The same thing as dad's work... All the more reason to go in."

Lyra pushed open the door and stepped in. It was a small, crowded office - piles of books, papers and boxes everywhere. She'd thought Asriel's room was bad, but this really had it beaten. There was a slightly clearer area beside the window, with more comfortable chairs and a coffee table. The lowered blinds shook slightly.

There's someone behind them. Pan turned into a wild cat cautiously, belly low to the ground.

Lyra paused, before clearing her throat. "Hello?"

"Oh, hello," a short ginger woman ducked out from behind the blinds, smiling brightly at Lyra. "Can I help you?"

"Uh, yes. Are you a professor here?"

"I suppose I am," she laughed, stepping off the window ledge. Her Daemon peered down from her shoulder curiously. "Dr Mary Malone, astrophysicist, and this is Suibhne. And you are?"

A lie formed on her lips. Pan pecked at her ear before it could escape, irrational agitation coming off him in waves. She felt a stab of discomfort, hers this time, and frowned. Maybe she should be truthful this time.

"Lyra Belacqua and Pantalaimon." Lyra puffed up her chest. If she was going to be truthful she might as well take pride in who she was. Pan more politely imitated the daemons form, becoming a perfect arctic chough. Confidently, she added. "Highschool student."

"What's a highschool student like you doing here? In fact, how did you even get in?"

"I just walked in."

Mary raised an eyebrow, looking miffed. She indicated for Lyra to sit down and started rummaging through her shelves. Eventually she offered Lyra a tin full of biscuits. "Well, Lyra, is there anything I can do for you? Perhaps phoning your parents if you're lost?"

"Oh no, I e'nt lost," Lyra shook her head, taking a digestive. It was a bit stale, making Pan's nose wrinkle, but not all that bad. "My dad's-" Pan nipped Lyra's heel before she could lie. "Away. There e'nt anyone to call... Anyway, I seen you’re working on dark matter. I'm interested in your work. I know it's an elementary particle, but it acts strange. People all have different thoughts on what it actually is. What do you think it is?"

"Well, isn't that the question?" Mary ran a hand through her hair, leaning on her desk with a smile. "I can't say I know much about the other research, but we've been able to discover shadow particles - shadows, as we call them. They're difficult to isolate among all the other particles, but now that we have... Well what we're seeing is quite wonderful. You see, they're conscious. Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? But they know we're here, and they can answer back."

"It doesn't," Lyra shook her head, excitedly looking at Pan. "It's not conscious thought, it's consciousness itself."

"Correct. Not only that, you can't see them unless you expect to. You need to put your mind into a certain state. Do you know the poet John Keates? He had a phrase for it, negative capability. You have to hold your mind in a state of expectation, without impatience. If you can do this, then it's possible to see them-"

"How do you see them? With photographs?"

"No, we can't do that. I suppose see isn't the right word, but rather communicate. If you link up to our computer, the cave we call it, and think then they'll respond. I've tested all sorts of things, from lumps of metal to my I Ching set. They're most attracted to things associated with human thought or craft. It's incredibly interesting."

"They're attracted to humans," Lyra replied confidently, because she'd seen the photos her dad had taken. But communicating with it! That was beyond anything Asriel had done. He was solely concerned with harnessing it to get through to another world, not understanding and talking to it. "Adults most of all. The church thinks it's sin but it e'nt, it's thought... Can I see your cave?"

"Sin, now there's something I don't want to think about," Mary sighed, before narrowing her eyes and leaning forward. Her Daemon hopped onto the arm of her chair to fix Pan with a hard state. "I'm sorry, how do you know all this? My research isn't published yet."

"Oh, uh," Lyra rubbed the back of her neck. She should've told Mary that earlier. Normally she didn't feel bad about leaving out certain details, or straight up lying, but Mary seemed... Nice. Genuinely. She gave off a similar feeling to Will and his family, a warmth that made Lyra feel comfortable. and she'd told her so many interesting things. "My dad's Asriel Belacqua, he also works on dark matter but at Jordan college. He told me a lot... But he e'nt doing the same research as you. He's tryna harness it, he doesn't care so much bout how it reacts."

"Ah, yes, I've heard of him. Trying to harness it? Now that is interesting... How does he know that's possible? All my research points to the possibility of communicating, of it being sentient. I haven't seen any harnessable energy."

"I guess it's more accurate to say he's tryna harness the energy of a Daemon bond, not shadow particles themselves. He e'nt certain about it being sentient, not like you, and he e'nt tried to talk about it. He did photograph it though. It's attracted to adults but not kids, cause their Daemon e'nt settled yet."

"Fascinating," Mary leaned back with wide eyed wonder, smiling at Lyra. "I don't think you should be telling me this, Lyra. I might steal your dad's work and put it in my paper. It would certainly help our funding issues."

"You won't," Lyra replied confidently. Something was telling her that Mary was someone she could trust, a gut instinct shared between Pan and her where it hadn't been before - with her mother. "You e'nt in it for money or anything. My dad e'nt either."

It was clear Asriel was passionate about his work, and Mary seemed to be too. Lyra had a feeling they could help rather than hinder each other. It wasn't like with her mother, whose work seemed to be directly opposed to her dad's... Whatever it was.

"I won't tell him any details, promise."

Mary let out a sigh, eyes softening. "I must be mad to do this... But I suppose you can take a look. I've barely just gotten it to react myself. It's difficult to maintain that in between state of mind. "

Lyra didn't entirely understand what Mary meant about a state of mind, an in between state, but she wanted to try it. She was sure she could get it if she tried enough times.

"Well, come with me. I'll show you the cave."

Mary led her a few rooms down the corridor, into one covered in metal with a section separated by a glass panel. There were multiple screens showing stuff Lyra didn't understand, connected up to electrodes.

"Sit down here," Mary pointed to the seat in front of the screens. Once Lyra was sat she placed the electrodes onto her face. "Just... Try to relax, lose yourself in thought. It's difficult to explain since I don't even understand it myself."

Lyra nodded.

She tried to clear her mind, gaze flickering to Pan. He'd lay on the desk by her hands as an ermine, curious gaze fixed on the computer. Her nose scrunched up and she took a deep breath. Slowly she fell into a state of calm.

It was a strange feeling, as if she had no thoughts at all, her mind going completely blank. She was concentrating, but wasn't, eyes unfocusing slightly.

The screen flickered, then went back to blank. Lyra grit her teeth in frustration. She'd been almost there!

"Make your mind go blank again," Pan whispered, paws resting on her hand. "You're good at that normally."

Lyra smiled slightly. She tried to do that, pushing away any errant thoughts and sinking into a state of calm. With a deep breath, she closed her eyes, and thought a question in her mind.

Are you shadow particles?

As Lyra asked the question, the screen lit up. A myriad of colours danced across it. It was a rainbow of pixels, spiking out of the centre of the screen. Electronic buzzes came from the speakers in time with the colour fluctuation. It was like it was talking, just Lyra didn't understand what it said.

It was amazing, and beautiful.

Mary's gasp snapped Lyra out of the state she'd been in, screen going black.

"That's the clearest it's ever been!"

"I think I could get it clearer. You're right, it communicates, those colours mean something I think. I could get it to show something we could understand with enough practice... But I can't right now. I gotta go home." She couldn't quite get the state of mind right, not yet, but she could feel it each time just out of reach. She could get there if she tried a few more times. She wanted to see what the shadow particles had to say, and she wanted to help her dad with his research. But she also liked Mary. After such a short time she already felt connected to the physicist in a way she rarely did with others.

"If you think you can get it clearer, that would be extraordinary." Mary ran a hand through her hair, a smile lighting up her tired face. "don't let me keep you if you have to leave. You're welcome to come again, anytime. Here." She ripped a bit of paper out of her notebook and scrawled numbers on it. "My phone number. Just call or text me next time and I'll let you in."

"I will," Lyra grinned, stuffing the paper in her pocket. She wished she could stay longer but there was a risk Asriel would get home today, which meant she had to go home too. Hopefully the school hand reported her absence. "I'll come again as soon as I can."

"I'd love that, Lyra. We've made a breakthrough today because of you. Oh, but make sure to tell your dad next time."

Lyra didn't really want to explain to Asriel, but she knew Mary was right. There was still a chance that Mary wasn't trustworthy, even if Pan also wasn't nervous. Pan thought she should tell Asriel too. "... I will."

-

"Look at that!" Lyra pointed to a smooth, white building. It had a pebble covered short building beside it, then bike racks that Lyra could easily get up in. Looked like a challenge. "D'you think I could climb it?"

"Absolutely not." Asriel ruined any thoughts of scaling it with a harsh glare. "You're not going to climb any building here. I don't want to pick you up from the police station for trespassing."

"I e'nt been arrested in Oxford like, ever," Lyra pouted, shoving her hands in her pockets grumpily. "Why would it happen here?"

"Because in Oxford people working in the colleges don't care enough, and you rarely clamber around the roofs in the centre of town. If you climb buildings in the centre of Edinburgh you will absolutely get caught. Maybe I'll just leave you at the police station of you-"

"I won't!" Lyra grabbed hold of Asriel's arm before he could continue. Stelmaria let out a low laugh, amused gaze falling on her, and she blushed with annoyance. Of course she knew he was joking, but she really didn't want to risk it. "I'll be good, promise."

"I'm not sure you know the meaning of that word," Asriel chuckled, ruffling her hair. "It's enough if you stay nearby and don't climb any buildings."

"I'll make sure of it!" Pan chimed in, trotting in front of Lyra as a skye terrier like the statue they'd seen just a bit earlier.

"Then we can go to work without worrying," Stelmaria rumbled, looking up at Asriel.

He scoffed. "We don't have much choice."

Lyra grinned at him, stuffing her hands in her pockets and strutting down the cobbled road they were following. She'd been surprised when Asriel had said they were going away for a long weekend, then a little less surprised that it was for his work. But it was the first time he'd ever taken her with him... In fact it was the first time they'd left Oxford together in her memory. Her and Pan were thrilled to go to Edinburgh with him, even if he had to spend half of today's meeting with people at the university.

They stopped at a massive green area, grass spreading as far as Lyra could see. There was a play park in the distance to her left, and pathways winding through the green.

"Stay here," Asriel gestured to the park. "If it gets too cold or rains, go to the museum we passed. If I find out you went anywhere else I'll leave you in the hotel tomorrow."

"I'll stay," Lyra nodded obediently, already searching for trees to climb. As much as she wanted to explore the rest of the city she really didn't want to be stuck in their tiny hotel room with only six television channels to entertain her. She'd do as she was told for once, because it benefited her. Last thing she wanted was for Asriel to be even more harsh and not take her around Edinburgh when he was done. "How will you find me when you're done?"

"You have a phone Lyra. I'll call you." Asriel shook his head at her, pushing her towards the park with a hand on her back. "Be good and I'll take you somewhere nice for dinner."

"I'm holding you to that!" Lyra grinned, actually planning to be - within reason. As long as she stayed in the rough area and didn't get arrested it would be fine, right? He didn't say she had to behave herself in the park.

She'd just been let loose in a new city, so she was going to make the most of it.

"Maybe we can find people to play football with," Lyra said to Pan once Asriel had left them, looking across the park with a scrutinising gaze.

"You want to make enemies in a different city?" Pan snorted even as he turned into an eagle to be able to see better.

"If winning makes me enemies then yeah, I guess." Neither could spot a specific group to join, but she was sure they'd find something when they began to explore. "I e'nt gonna cheat or anything."

Lyra could feel Pan's disbelief as if it was her own, and brushed it aside. She really wouldn't! She was going to find other people her age, thrash them at football or similar, and have a great time.

A drop of water splashed Lyra's nose. She wrinkled it, squinting her eyes up at the sky. Dark clouds loomed. Pan turned into a frog on her shoulder, croaking annoyingly in her ear. It was just one drop of water. Nothing to get upset over.

One drop very quickly turned into torrential downpour.

"Ok, change of plan!" Lyra hissed, gripping her hood as the wind tried to blow it off her head. She should've worn her waterproof like Asriel had suggested, but he'd been implying she'd get too cold and she was too stubborn to accept that. She didn't mind a bit of rain anyway, but this was miserable. "Let's go to the museum."

They could still have fun there.

-

"Where are we going?"

Lyra hadn't expected to be stuffed in a car on their second day in Edinburgh after Asriel finished his meetings. They'd barely started to explore the city yesterday! Rain had stopped Lyra and Pan from looking around themselves, and while Asriel had taken them sightseeing later in the day it had been rather reluctantly. Now they were going home already? Lyra had looked forward to getting the train back.

"A small town on the coast," Stelmaria answered for Asriel, who was driving with a heavy frown. "It's not far and it'll be nicer than being in a city. We'll check into the hotel then take a walk on the beach. You'll both like it."

A beach! Lyra had never been to the beach before, since there wasn't one in Oxford and she'd barely left there. The closest she'd gotten was a sand pit in her primary school. She couldn't wait... There would be so many new forms for Pan to take, they could finally try out water shapes properly. He hadn't exactly fit in the bath tub as anything bigger than a fish.

"How long till we get there?"

"Not long," Asriel grunted, silencing her with a quick glare. Lyra had been asking Stelmaria not him, since she was less grumpy, so she rolled her eyes at him.

Thankfully he was right, and they soon swung into a small town.

Lyra was practically bouncing up and down when they checked in, not taking in any of their much bigger hotel room. She dumped her bag and was instantly hovering at the door. "'Can we go to the beach? It e'nt raining, we gotta make the most of it."

"Aren’t you too old to get this excited? I was sure most teenagers want nothing to do with their parents, and would rather look at their phone."

"I e'nt most teenagers." Not that Lyra knew what teenagers Asriel was talking about - or where he’d met them. She was sure Will would love going out with his parents, and Roger wasn't exactly phone obsessed... Then again, her sample size was quite small. Helen had complained last french lesson about how much her parents wanted to go places, and how annoying it was. Lyra couldn't relate at all. "Maybe if I had a better phone, or you'd been around enough when I was younger so I'd get sick of you."

Lyra wasn't exactly normal, and she was surprised Asriel would even expect that. Maybe he was just wishing he had a child that would ignore him so he could ignore them too... Shame that would never be the case. Lyra was pretty sure she'd never outgrow being loud and stubborn.

After all, Asriel certainly hadn't.

"Fine, we can go now. Wrap up warm."

The sea looked worse than Lyra had hoped. Of course she'd known it wouldn't be the clear turquoise of her laptop's default screensaver, but she'd hoped it would be at least blue. Instead it was a dull grey, choppy white waves lapping up the stone covered beach. It looked freezing and unappealing.

"Not so interesting, huh?"

Lyra glared at Asriel. "It e'nt pretty, but it is interesting! C'mon Pan, let's go try out some new forms."

It wasn't picturesque, but that didn't stop Lyra. She was still going to make the most of being at the seaside no matter how frigid the day was. They'd play in the sea, build sandcastles and maybe bury Asriel in the sand when he relaxed his attention.

Pan bounded into the ocean, crying out his joy as he shifted into a river otter. He dived into the waves and swam forward, pulling at their bond as he got in further. Lyra hurried to join him, tossing her shoes and socks to follow.

It was bloody freezing.

"Why didn't you warn me?!" she yelled after Pan, kicking up water at him. He nipped at her toes before darting away, sleek body diving underwater and out of reach with ease. He re-emerged far enough away that she couldn't grab him, and she didn't want to wade in deeper than her ankles.

"I can't really feel it so how was I supposed to know?"

"You just was!" Lyra shivered, slowly growing used to the icy water around her ankles. She dug her toes into the rough sand, loving the feeling of it sliding through. A rough wind whistled through her hair, blowing it behind her and chilling her face. But it didn't matter, because Pan's joy as he dived through the waves warmed her.

He changed into a small fish and shot through the water, circling Lyra's ankles and ticking her toes. She mock kicked him away with a laugh and he turned into an eel, wrapping around her before darting away.

They played about for a while, Pan changing from shape to shape till he'd tried out every water dwelling animal that they could think of. Lyra wished they could get deeper in, like on a boat, then he could turn into a dolphin. What a sight that would be!

It was Lyra's feet going numb that forced them out of the water. She roughly dried them with a towel she'd snatched from the hotel, shoving them into her socks and shoes. It wasn't a pleasant feeling, sand clinging to every crevice of her toes and rubbing against the cotton fabric. She pulled a face.

Pan turned into a large dog, shaking the water out of his fur.

"Oy!" Lyra jumped away with a yelp, splatters of cold water hitting her face. "Watch out!"

"It's just water."

"Yeah, and it's cold!"

Before Pan could become smaller and try to worm his way into her clothes, Lyra sprinted up the beach to Asriel and Stelmaria. She skidded to a halt just in front of Asriel. Pan bounding after her, barrelling into Stelmaria's side. She let out a disgruntled rumble and pushed him away with a firm paw, quickly licking off the sand he'd gotten on her.

"Your hair's a mess," Asriel commented, reaching over to run his hand through it. Her scalp burned slightly as he tugged through a particularly tangled clump. Lyra ducked away and shook out her hair like a dog. She was pretty sure Asriel wasn't making it any better anyway. The strong wind and salt water spray had tangled it beyond saving without a shower. "Have fun?"

"Yeah... It was cold."

"Of course it was, it's September. Only reckless people go into the sea this time of year."

"I get it from my dad," Lyra shrugged, wearing a playful smirk. The water had been freezing but Lyra had enjoyed playing on it... She wasn't one to let adversity stop her. Maybe that was reckless, but she definitely got it from Asriel. Most people wouldn't travel far north for a possible discovery that wasn't even making him that much money! That was more reckless than Lyra playing in the sea.

"I can't deny that," Asriel snorted. "Let's go for a walk, then, to warm you up."

"But why? It'll be just as cold over there as it is here."

"There's rocks to climb over there."

"... Let's go!"

-

"So not only did you meet my direct competitor, but you told her about my research and helped her with her own?" Asriel looked less impressed than Lyra had expected after she finally told him about Mary. In fact, his expression was dark. "And you waited almost a month to tell me?"

It wasn't like she'd purposefully not told him. Just they'd been away, and there hadn't been an opportunity to because he kept going away for a day or night without much notice.

"I forgot," Lyra lied, even though she'd been thinking about using the cave almost every day since she'd visited Mary. It hadn't worked out for her to go since but finally, finally, there was a Saturday when Mary was working. Lyra had been thrilled when Mary texted her that morning that she could come over if she was free. Thankfully Asriel was home too, so she didn't have to lie to Mary about telling her dad. "And I weren't helping her much. I were just curious and I thought it could help you... She e'nt the kinda person to steal your work anyway!"

"You've met her once, Lyra, and proved yourself not to be a good judge of character."

"Pan trusts her too!" Lyra looked at Pan, who nodded in confirmation. Sure, his judgement wasn't always perfect either but he tended to be much more cautious than Lyra. "He didn't like my mother at first."

"She was trustworthy," Pan chirped.

"Please, dad, I really want to use her machine again. It was amazing."

"Fine. But I'm coming with you."

"That's what I wanted anyway," Lyra grinned. "You'll like her."

Then maybe Lyra could help them both with their work at the same time. It was much more interesting than anything she was doing in school, even if Asriel didn't tolerate her skipping it anymore. She knew she needed good grades to get into university, but she still found structure learning so boring. She wanted to skip all the steps and go into research, or working with her hands like how she helped Asriel.

It didn't take long for them to get ready, and the walk to St Peter's wasn't that long. Lyra chatted the whole way, explaining what she knew about Mary's research and what she'd done with the cave. The more Lyra talked about it the more interested Asriel got, visible in the way Stelmaria's ears pricked to catch every word even as his face was as harsh as ever.

He wasn't annoyed at her anymore by the time they reached the college.

"Lyra, it's lovely to see you!" Mary greeted her with a dazzling smile, tired eyes creasing. She then tilted her head up to Asriel, holding out her hand. "You must be Lyra's dad. I've heard a lot about you."

"Asriel Belacqua." Asriel shook her hand, scrutinising her. Stelmaria did the same to Suibhne, teeth slightly bared. "Good things about my research, I hope."

"I'd say so." Mary didn't flinch under his heavy, intimidating gaze where most would normally cower. "Your work is quite well known in our circles, even if they thought you were mad. I suppose they think the same of me. Then Lyra here was singing your praises when we met."

That was an exaggeration, but Lyra took in stride, nodding vigorously. Pan turned into a snow leopard to match Stelmaria, puffing up his chest with pride as if to say yes these are my parents!

"Has she now?" Asriel smiled, though his glance towards her wasn't without suspicion. "She told me a lot about your work too. She mentioned something about a computer than could communicate with dust? I'd like to see that."

"Well, it can't quite communicate yet, but we're taking steps in the right direction. When Lyra was connected up to it I saw results we'd never seen before, it was truly astounding."

"Wasn't much," Lyra rubbed the back of her head as if she was bashful, even though she felt anything but. A wide grin split her lips. "I just like relaxed my mind and asked it a question. It answered... We just didn't understand the answer. With more practice I think I can get it clearer."

"I have no doubt about that, you're a natural," Mary laughed cheerfully. "Perhaps it's a child's mind that makes it work."

"A child's mind does see things we don't," Asriel mused, roughly ruffling Lyra's hair. Stelmaria nuzzled Pan, his happiness flitting to Lyra and making her happy too. They were proud of them, even if neither would say it. Lyra and Pan could tell.

"Well then," Mary clapped her hands together. "Why don't we discuss our work over some tea? I'd love to share ideas, confidentially of course, and then I'll show you the cave."

"Let's do that," Asriel nodded.

Lyra grinned, following behind the two of them, swinging her legs and arms exaggeratedly. Now her dad was sure to be grateful for her! He could help Mary, and vice versa, then both of their work would go faster. Without her he'd never consider something like this.

Thankfully Lyra was there to make connections for him.

-

"You're back!"

Lyra was surprised to see Asriel when she barged into their flat, Pan chasing after her as a shaggy wolf. They'd been racing along the roofs and up the stairs, with whoever won getting to choose what movie they watched that night. All those plans were thrown away as soon as they spotted Stelmaria and Asriel, back a day early from another business trip to London. Pan immediately scampered to Stelmaria, tapping their noses together and snuggling into her side. The snow leopard sluggishly nuzzled him, looking up at Asriel with a guarded expression.

"How were it? You get what you needed?" Lyra hovered to and fro, flitting between Asriel where he sat in his chair and Stelmaria where she was stretched out in front of the fireplace. She wanted to hug him, but his dark expression stopped her.

"Lyra, sit down." Asriel heaved out a sigh, kneading his brow. He looked tired, a dark shadow under his eyes and wrinkles more prominent. "I have bad news."

"I en’t letting you leave! I don't care if work went badly!" Lyra cried out. She clenched her fists, heat rising in her chest. What other bad news could there be but that? That was always the bad news he had! She wouldn't allow it. “I en’t!”

"I'm not going anywhere." Asriel's harsh stare stopped her from shouting more. She hesitated, before plopping herself down on the new sofa. Pan tore himself from Stelmaria to press against her legs, confusion bouncing between them. What on earth could the bad news be then? "I was taken to court by your mother. She decided to take the legal route this time and asked for partial custody of you. I managed to reduce this, but not stop it. You'll have to spend a weekend every month with her."

"What?" Lyra felt like her world was collapsing. She was never meant to see her moth- that woman again. Pan's claws dug into her legs, his whole body trembling. She shook her head. This couldn't be real. This was just a dream, or something. Asriel was playing a sick joke on them. Anything but it being real. "What about your work?"

"It wasn't the main reason for my trips." Asriel shared a look with Stelmaria. "We didn't want to worry you, and hoped that nothing would come of the hearings."

Lyra blindly reached for Pan, pulling him close to her. She tried to sooth his shaking, stroking from his furry head all the way down to his tail, but her hands were shaking too. Fear and disgust clamoured inside of them, their chests heaving. "Why? Didn't you tell her to stay away?"

"Clearly she didn't take it to heart," Asriel bared his teeth, raking a hand through his hair. "Fortunately Marisa will have to come to Oxford for you, so I'll be just a call away. You will have to stay the night with her. They said it was only three nights a month, but even one night would be too much."

"How could they..." Lyra trembled, curling over Pan. He pressed against her with a whimper. "B-but she hurt me. She locked me inside! Why would they let her see me?"

"She managed to convince the court that that didn't happen. Her claws are deep into the legal system."

Lyra shook her head. She pulled her legs up against her chest, fingers digging into her knees. Pan wriggled under her shirt, turning smaller and smaller until he was a mouse pressing against her heart. His little claws dug into his skin, his heart beating as wildly as hers. It was getting harder to breathe, like there was glass stuck in her throat. Her mind felt fuzzy, panicked thoughts from both of them flooding her until they grew incoherent. She couldn't, they couldn't, be stuck with them again.

"Lyra." A large hand covered her own, and a soft face pressed against her thigh - not quite against her skin, but close. Lyra dragged herself out of her panic enough to look up at Asriel, dimly aware that it was Stelmaria at her legs, almost touching her. "She won't hurt you. I won't allow it."

"How will you stop her?" Lyra's voice shook. "You- you won't be there."

Asriel sat and wrapped his strong arms around her, soothingly rubbing the back of her head. Stelmaria leapt up on her other side and pressed against her shoulder. The feeling of two solid presences, protecting her from each side, slowly managed to soothe her and Pan. Her breathing slowed down slightly, mind growing clearer.

"No I won't, but if you feel even slightly unsafe I can be. She's not allowed to stop me from seeing you and you're allowed to leave if she does anything. If she truly wants to keep custody, it's in her best interest to not hurt you. So she won't, alright?"

Lyra nodded. Pan pushed his head out the neck of her shirt, whiskers twitching against her collarbone. He carefully crawled towards Stelmaria, turning into an ermine and pressing his face against her while keeping his body against Lyra's skin.

"It's not ideal, and if I had my way it wouldn't happen. I made it clear that she should stay away from you." Asriel gritted his teeth and Stelmaria let out a low growl. "You just have to bear it for two years. Once you're sixteen it's your choice, not the courts."

"I don't want to see her at all."

"I know." Asriel rubbed the back of Lyra's neck gently, contrasting his sharp tone. "I should've done more than just talk to her- of course that wasn't enough."

"It e'nt your fault." Lyra buried her face into his shoulder, arms wrapping around him. She was upset and frustrated, but she didn't blame her dad. What could he have done? Shoved Mrs Coulter down the stairs?

"It's not, it's the bloody courts," Asriel grunted. "This is part of the problem I told you about. People like Marisa have influence within the church, and that has influence on our legal system. In a fair society only your opinion would matter."

"Why didn't I have to be there?"

"Because they, the church that is, don't believe children should have a say. If they had their way, no one would."

Lyra gnawed at her lip, eyebrows furrowing. So they would just believe Mrs Coulter over her father and her cause she was more liked? That was horrible.

"I wish it wasn't this way, Lyra, I really do. I tried to protect you from her, but she's relentless."

"But..." Lyra trailed off, pulling away from Asriel and reaching for Pan. He leapt into her arms and they hugged close to each other. "You won't abandon me now she's tryna get me?"

"Never." Asriel spoke with a fierce determination, almost wild look in his eyes, that she'd only seen towards his work before. "I won't let her take anymore than she already has."

-

At some point since the end of the summer holidays, Lyra had started going to Will's weekly. They didn't see each other as much at school now, and it wasn't like Roger who lived in the same flat block and had dinner in the same place. She'd grown used to being around him all the time.

Thankfully he seemed to feel the same way, gladly inviting Lyra round every week.

"Mum baked cookies today," Will walked into his room holding a plate of cookies, fresh baked smell wafting in with him. "They haven't been out the oven long so they're still warm."

"Mm," Lyra grabbed one immediately, stuffing it into her mouth. Delicious. "Have I ever told your mum how much I love her baking?"

"A few times, I think," Will laughed. He sat next to her on his bedroom floor where she'd made herself comfortable. Pan was stretched out in front of her as a snake, tongue flickering out occasionally, and Kirjava joined him as a soft green gecko. "Feel free to tell her again, though, she'll be overjoyed."

"I will," Lyra grabbed another one, devouring it and licking the remnants off her fingers. "Maybe I should start coming everyday."

"She doesn't bake everyday. Dad and I would be so unhealthy if she did."

"Shame." Lyra leaned back against his bed, stretching her arms above her head. That meant Elaine normally baked for the day Lyra was coming round... Warmth sparked inside her chest. She felt so welcomed here.

Will laughed, before changing the subject. "You got any plans for the weekend?"

"I wish I didn't," Lyra made a face, mood dropping as soon as she had to think about it. Pan turned into a rat, squeaking angrily and clawing up her arm. If Will was asking that meant he was going to suggest something, and she’d much rather do that… but she couldn’t. "I gotta stay with my mum."

"What?" Will's dark eyes widened for a moment, before narrowing in vexation. Kirjava padded over to Lyra, looking at Pan softly. "Why would you have to stay with her after everything she did? She shouldn't be allowed anywhere near you."

"She took dad to court and won. Well, at least got the right to see me a weekend every month. The court didn't believe dad when he said what she did, but they believed her."

"That's ridiculous," Will grit his teeth, his jaw tense and eyes flashing. Lyra had never seen him so angry. She should be upset, but instead joy swelled in her chest. Will was angry for her. It was so rare for anyone to feel that on her behalf. "You can't take her back to court?"

"Dad said it'll just end up in her favour and I'll have to see her more." Lyra let out a frustrated sigh, Pans tail twitching with agitation. They really wanted there to be a way out, but if Asriel said there wasn't then there wasn't. He wasn't exactly the type to give up. "I just gotta deal with it, but I e'nt looking forward to it."

Will frowned. “How do you feel about it all?"

“Bad, ‘course. I don't wanna see her, ever. But dad also said that’d mean he’d get in trouble and then she could try fight for proper custody. That’d be worse. I’m…” she let out a hiss, struggling to word it. It was so hard, because there were so many emotions swirling in her chest. Her and Pan felt so many things. “Scared, I think. I hate feeling like that, but what if I get sucked in again? She hurt Pan but she were also so nice to me, and now she’s my mum.”

“You won’t.” Will leaned forward to take her hand in his own, gently grasping it. His larger, surprisingly soft fingers rubbed against the back of her hand. Kirjava moved forward to rub her head against Pan, cat body circling his smaller ermine form as if to protect him. “You’re strong, Lyra, so strong. You won’t let her get to you like that. If anyone can get through it, it’s you… But you shouldn’t have to. Her being your mum doesn’t change anything.”

“It makes things worse,” Lyra snorted, grinding her teeth together. “She knew it and she did all those things. She’s awful.”

“Just because she gave birth to you doesn’t make her your mother. That’s something earned, not just given.”

“I wish she agreed with that.”

“She doesn’t really want to be a mum,” Pan growled softly. “I never trusted her. She liked the idea of you, Lyra. And the way her daemon looked at me… the way she treated her daemon.”

“She didn’t treat him well?” Kirjava’s dark eyes snapped to Pan, fur bristling. Will reached out to rake his fingers through her fur. “How?”

“It was like it was normal,” Pan shook his head. “She never touched him, and she always ignored him. He never talked… We don’t even know his name. He must have one. No wonder he was so cruel.”

“Doesn’t excuse it,” Lyra bared her teeth. She let go of Will’s hand and held out her arms. Pan understood instantly, flowing up into her arms and pressing his heart against hers. “He’s even worse than she is.”

“I don’t want to see either of them,” Pan shuddered against her chest, pressing his soft nose against her sternum. “He isn’t like any other daemon…”

“I can’t imagine a nameless daemon,” Kirjava shivered, pressing her body against Will’s leg. She looked up at him with our concern. “Sayan Kötör and Toivo have talked to me from when I was young, they taught me everything… They named me too.”

“I hope he didn’t name me.”

“Stelmaria must’ve,” Lyra declared. She couldn’t imagine that monkey coming up with any name, especially not on as nice as Pan’s. “She’d want to.”

“Your dad and her mustn’t be happy about this either,” Will said. “They clearly care for you both.”

“They e’nt. Dad wasn’t happy when she took me to London, and then she ignored him tellin’ her to stay away.”

"Is she taking you there again? I'll come with you if she is… If your dad isn’t already."

"She isn't," Lyra shook her head, cheeks heating up. Will would travel for her too? He really was such a... Dependable friend. Part of her felt she didn't deserve him... No, that wasn't true. "She's coming to Oxford so I e'nt going far."

Will frowned, gaze still full of concern. "Record her if she does anything. I'll come right away if you need anything... I'm sure your dad will too, but if he's busy call me next."

"I will," Lyra smiled, genuinely. It was still a heavy weight in her chest, a constant dread that increased each day closer to the weekend, but she felt just a little lighter. She wasn't going into things naive this time, and her and Pan weren't alone. They had Asriel and Will. "I 'preciate it, really. You didn't need to offer that."

Will smiled back. Kirjava echoed this in a gentle purr. "Of course. Anything you need, Lyra, just ask.”

-

Lyra did not want to be here.

Anxiety crawled across her skin, each minute waiting only increasing her dread. Pan paced at her feet, switching from wild cat to snake to seagull. He couldn't settle on one, because neither of them felt settled, dread wreaking havoc on their minds.

"You have the second phone with you?" Asriel's heavy hand landed on her shoulder, just as tense as she was. Stelmaria hovered close to Pan, sharp gaze never once leaving him.

Lyra nodded. She'd hidden the cheap phone Asriel had given her in the depths of her bag, at the bottom of a suitcase. She had it just in case Mrs Coulter took her phone again. It only had Asriel's number on it, but that was all it needed. Lyra really hoped she didn't need it.

"Your school stuff too?" Stelmaria asked, pinning Pan with her paw when he changed forms again. She gently drew him against her. He finally settled down as a snow leopard, a comfortable form and a sign of loyalty.

"Most of it’s in my locker. But I got my uniform."

She'd rather she didn't need it. Three nights with Mrs Coulter sounded dreadful. Asriel had picked her up after school, going back to the flat just to collect her bag before going to a neutral location for the pickup - a small park in between Jordan and Mrs Coulter's Oxford home.

"Good." Asriel looked at his watch and frowned, eyes flashing with annoyance. "She's late. I suppose I should be grateful, since it's less time you're with that vile woman."

"Maybe she forgot," Lyra said hopefully. She scuffed her toe against the ground. "That'd be better, cause-"

Lyra stopped herself when the sound of heels clicking along gravel hit her ears. She froze, instantly vigilant. Pan's ears were pulled back and his body taut, watching Mrs Coulter and her golden monkey approach. She didn't look like she was coming to pick up her child but rather like she was about to go to a party, her tight fitted dress looking awfully uncomfortable to Lyra. She looked down at her khaki dungarees over a long sleeved shirt, down jacket thrown on top, and hoped she wasn't going to be forced to change.

"I didn't realise you would be here, Asriel." Mrs Coulter stopped in front of them with a graceful smile. Her monkey coldly regarded Asriel and Stelmaria. "What a pleasant surprise."

"Marisa." Asriel gave a taut smile, closer to a grimace, and Stelmaria flicked her tail. Her attention shifted from Pan to the golden monkey, carefully watching him. "I can't say the same."

Marisa laughed, approaching Lyra and leaning down with a bright smile. Lyra forced herself not to flinch and Pan drew even closer to Stelmaria, puffing up his white fur to seem even bigger. He was larger than the golden monkey as a snow leopard, but it didn't make him any less scared. "Hello, Lyra darling. I've missed you so much."

"Hello... Mrs Coulter." Lyra mumbled, meeting her kindly gaze with a fierce glare. "I can't say the same."

Marisa's smile faltered and Asriel's booming laughter was like music to Lyra's ears. "Come now, Lyra, you know who I am now. Try calling me mum, or mother."

Lyra clenched her fists and Pan tensed, claws digging into the soft grass. Absolutely not. She would never call her that. That'd mean acknowledging her and Lyra would never do that. Especially not when Pan loathed the monkey so strongly, and she would never accept someone her soul didn't. Mrs Coulter wasn't her mother, because how could that monkey be Pan's other parent? She only had one parent. "I e'nt comfy with that yet."

"I understand," Marisa sighed softly, her eyelids drooping and eyes downcast. Her painted lips trembled, but twisted up into a weak smile. It was as if she was a moment away from tears, which was absolutely ridiculous to Lyra. She hated the way her chest clenched. "If you can't call me that, then at least call me Marisa. Mrs Coulter is far too formal for my daughter to use."

"I'll try." It felt weird to call her by her name too, but Lyra guessed the only others she addressed by surname were teachers at school. Mrs Coulter- Marisa certainly wasn't like teachers at school. Lyra would rather be stuck with her worst teacher for a weekend.

"Well then, come along now, Lyra dear. I'll take you to your new home for the weekend."

Lyra grimaced, quickly covering it up under Marisa's sharp gaze. She turned around and shoved herself into Asriel's arms, pressing her face into his chest. Pan rubbed his face against Stelmaria, pushing into her side.

"Call if you need anything," Asriel grunted, patting the back of her head.

"We'll see you on Monday," Stelmaria added softly, giving Pan one last lick.

They reluctantly went with Marisa and the golden monkey.

Now they were in a house that was quite different from the flat in London.

It was still refined erring on glamorous, but it was more of a vintage elegance than a modern one.

Cream wallpaper lined the walls, an intricate leaf design cornice along the top of it. A soft silver rug lead inside, over greyish-brown wood. All the furniture looked old too, large wooden tables and dark wood stairs leading up to the next level. It was so much more cluttered than the flat in London, but everything looked useless to Lyra, as if the clutter itself was decorative. Even the light fittings were large, decorative metal.

A framed picture of them sat on the hall table, taken a few days into her trip to London at Mrs Coulters insistence. Lyra was grinning at the camera with Pan a pine marten in her arms. Mrs Coulter smiled down at her, hand on her shoulder. She looked so happy. It was before Mrs Coulter had showed her true colours.

Looking at it now made Lyra feel sick, disgust crawling across Pan's skin. He burrowed his face into her hair. She quickly looked away from it and followed Marisa further into the house.

"This is your room," Marisa showed her to a large room on the second floor, painted dark blue. A large double bed was pushed up against the wall, with a simple desk at the window. A white bookcase, wardrobe and chest of drawers lined the wall opposite her bed. It was simple, but refined. Annoyingly nice. "It's quite bare right now because I thought we could decorate it together, if you'd like?"

"Sure." Lyra dumped her bags beside the bed. If she was going to be forced to spend time with her mother she might as well make her spend loads of money on her. Lyra was owed at least that.

"I'm glad." Marisa smiled, hovering in the door without taking her eyes off Lyra. Her eyes were soft. Pan hid in Lyra's hair, uncomfortable under the golden monkey's gaze. "What would you like to do tonight? Why don't we watch a movie together? Doesn't that sound nice?"

That did sound nice, even though Lyra didn't want it to. There was still a part of her who desperately wanted a caring mother, even knowing it was an illusion, and she loathed that. She'd ignore that annoying wish, because it wasn't realistic, and really what she wanted was to be alone with Pan. "I got homework to do."

"On a Friday evening? My, you are quite the hard worker, darling. What subject is it for? Maybe I can help."

"French." She had loads of other homework, but it was the one that would take her the longest along with being the most tedious. It was an essay entirely in French due Monday. At least with a lot of French work she could talk it through with Pan, going back and forth in the other language, but it didn't work so well with essays... Which she hated doing in English too.

"Oh?" Marisa's expression lit up, smile dazzling. "I happen to be fluent in the language. I can easily help you with your homework."

Lyra's heart sank when Marisa replied in French. What could she have said that Marisa wouldn't be able to help with? Nothing, probably. If she was going to have to spend some time together tonight, then a movie sounded like the lesser of two evils.

She really didn't want help with her homework.

Not only because she was fourteen, well beyond the age of needing a parent to sit with her as she worked, but she'd never had that at the age when she did need it. Asriel hadn't been around. She didn't want it to be Marisa that helped first... There was no way she was letting her.

It was something so small, but it was a part of her childhood that Lyra had missed. There was only ever Pan to help, and he didn't exactly know anymore than her. She didn't want Marisa doing stuff for her that Asriel hadn't.

She really didn't want to be swayed.

"Actually, it e'nt so urgent... I can get it done tomorrow. Let's what a movie, that sounds fun."

"Perfect," Marisa clapped her hands together with a charming smile. "Let's get changed into our pyjamas, then. Come to the living room when you're done."

"Should've said you were tired," Pan said once Marisa was gone, hopping onto the bed and shaking out his fur. He was more comfortable now that they were alone, but there was still a constant sense of unease shared between them. They were waiting for the facade to slip.

"It's barely seven." Lyra tipped her bag out onto the bed, rummaging around for her pyjamas. "She wouldn't believe it. I thought homework was the safest bet."

"She taught us before."

Lyra shrugged, pulling on an old t-shirt of Asriel's that she'd stolen to wear in bed. She had a feeling that no matter what excuse she had Marisa would make sure they spent time together. At least a movie didn't involve talking. She'd just smile and pretend to pay attention, then go to bed.

"You always talk through movies."

"I won't this time," Lyra rolled her eyes at Pan. She held out her arms and he jumped into them. "I e'nt gonna make any trouble. We'll just get through this weekend quietly."

Pan licked her cheek, resting his furry head in the crook of her neck. They made their way to the living room, barely taking it in. It was much nicer than their one at home, but just like everything felt cold and impersonal. Thankfully Marisa and her Daemon weren't there yet.

Lyra quickly chose the lone armchair, refusing to sit on the more comfortable looking sofa that could be shared. Pan turned into a wildcat and curled up on her lap, unable to relax fully.

"That was quick, Lyra dear."

Lyra jumped, breathing quickening and fingers curling into Pan's fur. Marisa had appeared so silently, swanning into the room. Pan's claws dug into her thighs and grounded them both.

"I suppose you don't have any makeup to remove. You'll understand one day how time consuming it is removing all of your layers in the evening."

Honestly, Lyra didn't think she would at all. When Marisa had shown her how to use makeup she'd found it incredibly dull and it felt uncomfortable on her skin. Why would she do something every day that took up so much time.

Lyra watched carefully as Marisa sat down. Pan was constantly alert of the golden monkey, who prowled over to the sofa arm closest to them and perched himself on it. Marisa lounged on the sofa beside him, having changed into more comfortable clothes (but still far fancier than any of Lyra's clothes). Her hair was loose, dark waves falling down past her shoulders. Lyra wondered if her hair could be like that if she took better care of it and as it grew longer... Not that she wanted to look like Marisa at all.

And she was just letting her hair grow because it was too much effort to go get it cut. It didn't even reach her shoulders yet.

"What do you want to watch, dear?" Marisa clicked through channels Lyra didn't even know existed, before changing to an online music library that Lyra knew had a very expensive monthly subscription. "Something modern, or old? Any genre preference."

What Lyra wanted to watch was an action film, filled with explosions and gun fights, or a fantasy film. But she didn't want to share what she liked with Marisa, and now that she was away from Asriel she wanted to pick something safe. For Pan, because the monkey was so close.

"I want to watch a movie you like," Lyra replied sweetly.

She didn't really want to, but it was the best option to make her mother think she was being friendly. It was easy to lie to get her way anyway, even if this time her way was just not getting hurt.

"Oh, darling, of course," Marisa smiled, eyes creasing. She looked so deceptively gentle. A film was quickly put on. "You'll love this."

It was a romantic comedy that Lyra knew immediately that she was going to hate, and that didn't really suit Marisa either. Her image, yes, but Lyra had a niggling suspicion this wasn't what she actually enjoyed.

Good. She didn't want to be swayed.

The film ended up being just as boring as she expected. She laughed when expected too, and replied to the few comments Marisa made, but it was mostly spent in silence. Lyra passed the time chatting to Pan, thoughts flitting between them as both paid half attention to the screen in case they needed to react. They tried to pretend it was just them, but they were always on edge.

She was tired by the time it was over, even though it wasn't that late. The movie must have put her to sleep. She stifled a yawn.

"You must be exhausted," Marisa tutted, easily noticing the yawn that Lyra had tried to hide. "It has been a long day for you."

"Yeah, I think I'll go to bed." Lyra stood up, scooping her arms underneath Pan before he fell. He turned into an ermine and draped over her shoulder, dark eyes half closed. She awkwardly looked at Marisa, frozen on the spot. Once she'd been reluctant to leave her to go to sleep, but now she wanted to spend as little time in her company as possible... And avoid upsetting her. "Good night."

"Goodnight, darling." Marisa pressed a kiss to Lyra's forehead before Lyra could jerk away, lightly caressing her cheek. "Sweet dreams, I'll see you in the morning."

Once in her room Lyra grimaced, vigorously rubbing her head as if she could wipe the kiss away. Pan stood on his hind legs and licked the spot, helping her shove away the disgust shivering through her body.

She definitely wasn't going to be having any sweet dreams tonight.

-

Asriel was in the flat when Lyra got home from school on Monday, rather than in his workspace like normal. Pan instantly bounded over to Stelmaria, shifting mid step into a snow leopard and barreling into her side with rambunctious purrs. Shared joy bounced between them, though Lyra was a bit more casual as she approached Asriel.

"You e'nt got work?"

"Nice to see you too, Lyra," Asriel snorted, closing his laptop. Stelmaria nuzzled Pan, tail curling over his back. She started to gently groom him and Lyra let out a soft sigh at the intense contentment she felt from her Daemon. "How was the weekend?"

"Not awful," Lyra shrugged. It was about the best she could say for having to spend time with a woman she'd never wanted to see again. After the first night it was tolerable, if sickening to watch Marisa act so kind and caring as if nothing had happened. Pan spent the whole weekend attached to Lyra, or a snow leopard to warn the monkey away. "She bought me loadsa clothes and stuff. Most of it was stuff I wanted. I figured if I have to see her I'll get something outta it."

"That's my daughter," Asriel laughed, loud and booming. He ruffled Lyra's hair. She leaned into it, eyes flickering closed for just a moment. It was as if a string holding her taut was loosened, all the tension she'd been feeling draining away. She hadn't been able to relax all weekend. It was difficult to get out of the constant state of paranoia. "Profit as much as you can. Ask her for that gaming laptop you're after."

"Will you let me use it?"

"At the weekends."

That wasn't so bad, Lyra supposed. She didn't even game much. She'd only asked for a gaming laptop because it seemed cool.

"We're glad you're both unharmed," Stelmaria rumbled, rubbing her chin against Pan's head. "It was too quiet over the weekend."

"Perfectly quiet in my opinion," Asriel grunted. "I was able to get work done at all hours."

"Good thing you got me then, or you'd be working all the time," Lyra grinned. She'd missed him, them, a lot. They both had. She'd never tell Asriel that though, just like he'd never admit to liking having her around. "I e'nt gotta see her for another month, right?"

"A month is too short," Pan shuddered, pressing against Stelmaria more. It was worse for him, even if it was bad for them both.

"A month is the best we could get," Asriel sighed. "But yes, another month. If she approaches you otherwise you can ignore her."

"I'll scare them away," Pan bared his teeth as if he hadn't just been shivering against Stelmaria a moment ago.

"We both will," Lyra showed her much less sharp teeth, curved into a vicious smile. "I e'nt seeing her more than I have to."

"Nobody will make you."

Lyra knew that. She finally felt safe again, in her warm and life filled home with Asriel and Stelmaria.

-

"We should've taken geography!" Lyra kicked a rock with a frustrated grunt, slowly making her way through Jordan college. A school trip had just been advertised - to Norway of all places! The country Asriel had done so much of his research in, albeit in its furthest North Island. Lyra had been incredibly excited to sign up, until she'd seen the requirement.

Must take geography.

She hated the subject, but it would've been a noble sacrifice if she got to go to Norway.

"Maybe we can figure out a way to go... We've wanted to learn Norwegian," Pan hummed thoughtfully. "Let's ask to go to practice that."

"Would they let us? I doubt it- oh, I'll ask dad!"

Thankfully for them, Asriel was already home. Lyra barely got through a greeting before slapping the trips list down in front of Asriel, pointing to the one to Norway. "I want to go on that."

Asriel quickly read it. Stelmaria watched them from where she lounged at his feet, tail flicking. "You don't take geography."

"I know, but I wanna learn Norwegian! I'll start teaching myself and then it'd be really useful to go on this trip."

"You'll learn enough to get any use out of going by March?"

"Yes," Lyra nodded her head fervently. Pan joined, hitting Stelmaria with his most adorable wide eyed look. A few months to get to a conversational level was doable for her. "Please, I really want to go!"

"Hm, I'll see what I can do," Asriel said begrudgingly. "It would be a good opportunity for me to do some field tests in Svalbard."

"Thanks, dad," Lyra grinned, leaning over to give him a quick kiss on his rough cheek. He grunted and gently pushed her away. This didn't upset her in the slightest, because Lyra was filled with bubbles of excitement. Pan frolicked about the floor as a ferret, going limp when Lyra picked him up. She couldn’t believe how easy it’d been to convince him. Years ago he wouldn’t have even heard her out! She really had him wrapped round her little finger…

She couldn’t wait for the school trip.

Chapter Text

"Billy Costa’s gone missing."

"Eh?" Lyra looked up from her phone with a frown. "You're making things up, Roger. E'nt the Costas moving south soon? That's why he e'nt around anymore, they just left early."

"No, I don't mean that, he's like actually missing. Ma Costa e'nt seen him since yesterday I heard, she's in a right rage tryna find him. The other kids was saying he's been kidnapped."

"How did you hear that when I e'nt?" Lyra and Pan looked at each other in confusion. Normally Lyra was the first to know any news, unless it was internal kitchen staff gossip. Pan knew just which animals to turn into to easily see or hear information, and she was able to wheedle it out of both adults and children. She felt that her information master status was under threat.

"Cause you was with Will yesterday."

Lyra's lips twisted into a scowl, but she couldn't deny it. She spent less time on the streets with their old group, and more time with Will at his house or just with Roger on the roof. Of course it was affecting her ability to get information. "Everyone's just overreacting. Billy e'nt been kidnapped. He'll turn up, I'm sure."

"Maybe," Roger shrugged one shoulder, gnawing at his lip. Sacilia turned from a dog to a mouse in his lap, scurrying into his school shirt. "It e'nt just the other kids that’re worried. They all gotta go home earlier now cause their parents are worried too. I e'nt got parents to worry bout me, so what if I'm next?"

"Don't worry too much. Even if he were kidnapped they e'nt gonna get us. Who'd sneak into Jordan to get some kids? We're safe here... My dad's scared plenty of kidnappers away before! They all know not to come near here cause of him, he's got quite the reputation."

"He doesn't," Roger snorted. As they'd gotten older he was no longer so easily taken by her made up tales, but she still continued to make them. "I supposed that makes a bit of sense, a college e’nt the place you'd look for kids."

"Exactly... We dunno if he's been kidnapped anyway. I bet he just got lost or somethin, y’know how Billy is. He'll show up, I just know it."

-

Billy Costa never showed up, but Lyra quickly forgot the whole issue with the trip to Norway coming up. She spent most of her free time learning the language, because she hadn't entirely upheld her promise to start from when Asriel got her on the trip, and seeing the group she used to lead quickly became her lowest priority. Roger seemed to believe her that they were safe, and didn't bring it up again. With everything going on she just stopped thinking about it.

After all, she was going on her first trip abroad!

Well, after they got through this horrendously long security queue.

"Can I buy loads of snacks in the airport? Oh, what about on the plane? I heard they have really tiny cans of coke... Oh, will the chairs recline, like in movies?"

"No to everything," Asriel grunted, tiredly glaring at her. "I packed snacks. You can buy one drink past security, and we can get lunch."

"But Will's parents gave him plenty of money for airport food! How come you e'nt?"

"Will's parents aren't going on the flight with him," Asriel sneered, pressing a hand against his brow. "I am beginning to regret booking the same flight."

Lyra held back her next flood of questions. Pan turned into a Raven, claws digging into her shoulder to help her control herself. It wasn't important, really, because she was getting to go with Asriel. She hadn't expected him to book the same flight, or even go on the same day as her. He'd even (at Stelmaria's behest) gotten their seats next to each other. He'd be able to fill her in on all of his research plans on the way over.

"Can Will have lunch with us then?"

"If it makes you bother me less."

"He can," Stelmaria purred, flicking her human's leg with her tail. "We're both glad that your friend is going on this trip with you."

"Hopefully he'll keep you out of trouble," Asriel's lips curved up into the hint of a smile.

"Hey, I-"

"No arguing." Asriel ruffled her hair roughly, pushing her head down before she could glare at him. "We're almost at the front of the queue."

Lyra quietened down, following him up to the security conveyor belt. It was all a bit confusing to her, but between some helpful comments from Stelmaria and Asriel basically doing it for her in the end, she got through. After all that queuing it felt a bit anticlimactic that her bag wasn't flagged and the metal detector didn't beep when she went through it.

"Now we can relax until the flight," Stelmaria purred, urging Lyra to pack her bag. She shoved her bag of liquids in and followed Asriel into another long corridor.

Lyra wondered if Will was through security yet, along with everyone else on the trip.

Because her dad was travelling on the same flight she'd been allowed to go separately until they reached Norway, where Asriel would get another flight and they'd go to a hotel. While Lyra would've enjoyed doing everything with Will, it was nice to go with Asriel and not worry about stupid rules the teachers would set.

Rules that she'd break, Pan thought. It was probably why Asriel had booked on the same flight.

"Whoa!" Straight out of security was a massive shop, shelves filled with all sorts of random stuff. There was makeup, perfume, toys, chocolates... It was such a weird assortment that Lyra couldn't tear her eyes away. Then they came out, and there were shops everywhere. Nobody had told her an airport was like a shopping centre. It was so big as well, there must be tons of nooks and crannies to explore. She really wanted to run all around. Pan turned into a ferret at her feet, wriggling with energy. She'd thought the airport would be boring, but there was a lot more in it than she'd expected.

"We're going to get something to eat." Asriel grabbed her shoulder before she could disappear, fingers digging through her thin jumper.

"Can't we wait for Will here?" Lyra writhed to try and get away but Asriel's grip was like steel. She wouldn't have agreed to going with him if she'd known he was going to be so strict. At least the teachers would be distracted by other kids! "I want that massive chocolate bar too."

"Text him where the restaurant is. I won't have you running around disturbing others and making me look bad."

"We don't want you to get lost," Stelmaria chuckled.

"I e'nt stupid, I won't get lost in an airport. I e'nt a kid. I've been alone in much worse places." Like London itself. She'd never been in the city before yet she'd wandered around by herself for hours. She guessed

"Yeah, I won't let us get lost," Pan boasted.

"I'm more worried about you missing the flight," Asriel snorted, as if it wasn't his daemon that had said she'd get lost in the first place. Yet another case of Asriel refusing to say something that made it sound like he cared. She was used to it by now, and it didn't hurt when she could see beyond that.

Lyra wasn't exactly good at that stuff either.

She didn't have any choice about following Asriel, because he refused to let go of her shoulder as if she'd just run away. She really wasn't that bad.

Having lunch with her dad before they separated (paid for by him) would be nice anyway.

-

"Not sure I like the idea of being in a metal box in the sky for a few hours," Pan muttered, pressing against Lyra's neck as they boarded the plane. She comfortingly scratched the back of his neck, even though she thought he was a bit silly for being so nervous about it. He flew about all the time! And it was perfectly safe.

"It's safer than travelling by car," Stelmaria rumbled comfortingly, as if they made someone as anxious as Pan feel any better. Now he'd be worried whenever they were in a car too! "It's not that different from flying as a bird. I found it quite enjoyable the first time."

Even if her words didn't help, Stelmaria's calmness and Asriel's complete nonchalance helped Pan relax slightly. Compared to him Lyra was practically vibrating with excitement, only stopped from running down the plane aisle by the blockage of people in front of them. It was taking so long for them to get anywhere, and Lyra didn't have the patience to stand still for this long. Nor did Asriel, judging by his tense jaw and timely tapping of his fingers against his arm.

No wonder he'd said there was no point in joining the queue early.

"You sit in the aisle, Lyra," Asriel grunted when they finally reached their seats, gently pushing her forward and past them. Stelmaria slunk in first, climbing up onto the window seat, and Asriel followed to sit in the middle.

"Why?" Lyra pouted, having been relegated to the aisle before she had a chance to protest. She’d wanted to see London as they left it and Oslo as they entered it! Her and Pan were both looking forward to spending the whole two hour flight watching out the window.

"Wills sitting across from you. I don't want to be in between your constant talking."

"Really?" How did Asriel know that when Lyra didn't? She guessed she hadn't asked Will where his seat was because she'd just assumed her and Asriel would be separate from the rest of the school group.

Maybe he'd planned it that way to push Lyra's conversation onto someone else. She narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously.

"Huh, looks like our seats are together."

Lyra stopped squinting at Asriel to turn around and grin at Will. He really was across the aisle, sitting beside two other boys from the trip. How Asriel had figured that one out in advance she didn't know.

"Of course we are," Lyra smiled smugly. "Dad doesn't wanna talk to me, so he had to give me someone else to chat to instead."

"Really?" Will's eyes creased, softening his sharp and often intense face. "And I was hoping for some peace and quiet."

"C’mon, I’m not that bad company,” Lyra huffed, looking between Will and Asriel. She focused on her dad with narrowed eyes. “Am I.”

Asriel raised a thick eyebrow, sardonic smile playing on the corner of his lips, and said nothing.

“Pan’s company can be quite good,” Stelmaria rumbled.

Pan purred at that, shifting into a snow leopard and puffing up his fur. He took up all the space between Lyra and the chair in front her. His thick, white fur pressed into her face and tickled up her nose. She wrinkled it in an attempt to not sneeze.

"Hey, you're crowding me!" Lyra hissed, shoving at him. "There e'nt room, turn into something smaller!"

She scowled at laughter from both sides, Will sitting across the aisle with Kirjava a lovely small cat in his lap and Asriel watching her with a mirthful smile. Pan didn't change, resting his paws on her shoulders and burying his face into her neck.

"Go sit with Stelmaria if you're going to be like this."

The seatbelt sign pinged on and Pan stopped messing around, turning into an ermine and settling around her neck. Lyra poked his nose grumpily. He may be her Daemon, but it didn't make getting a face full of fur unexpectedly anymore pleasant. If he settled as something that big then she was sure she'd have to deal with it all the time... She wasn't sure how to feel about it.

Best not to think about it.

"Do your seatbelt." Asriel reached over and clicked the two metal pieces together before Lyra could do it herself.

"I'm not a kid," she muttered without much heat, her heart swelling. She'd never have anyone do a seatbelt or similar for her before. It was just a bit weird that Asriel was starting now. He was the reason for her independence and had always seemed to value it. Maybe he just thought she was too slow.

It was probably that.

"Here," Asriel shoved a packet of polos into Lyra's hands as the plane started to move. She looked down at them, confused. "To help if your ears hurt during take off."

Oh. Lyra popped one in her mouth instantly, savouring it and closing her eyes. The feeling of taking off was strange, as if she was being pushed forward by her chair as a constant pressure tried to pull her back. She felt elevated as the plane rose off the ground, similar to feelings shared from Pan when he flew.

It was pretty amazing.

The flight passed far faster than Lyra expected it to, losing track of time talking with Will and Kirjava the whole time. Pan alternated between joining and sitting next to Stelmaria, little black nose pressed up against the frigid window. Lyra's attention was torn then, part of her with Pan watching fluffy clouds go by and the rest engrossed in conversation. She was used to it, because Pan and her didn't feel the need to always do the same thing, but it didn't make it any less of a strange sensation.

Before she knew it they were landing in Oslo, going from a queue to get off the plane to a queue to get their passports checked. Then it was more waiting for luggage, and finally they were at the entrance foyer.

Which meant Asriel had to leave. She felt strangely conflicted about it. Normally she didn’t want him to go, but was also used to it and would push him to the back of her mind as soon as he was out of sight. This time she was going on her own trip and it was the only reason he was going to Svalbard instead of staying home with her… So why did she still feel reluctant?

She wasn’t sure how to feel about, when she’d been so used to his absence. Was she beginning to rely on him? That only made her feel more conflicted.

Whatever. No point thinking about it too much.

"Be good." Asriel ruffled her hair with an almost fond smile, a hint of it shining in his eyes. Lyra ducked under her hand and glanced at her schoolmates, standing in a group not too far away. No one was looking. She hugged him, so fast he didn't have a chance to reciprocate, before bouncing away.

"Course I will be! I always am."

"Now I'm worried," Stelmaria chuckled, nudging Pan gently. "Keep her out of trouble."

"I will!" Pan puffed up his thick white fur, tail swishing from side to side.

"Don't get stuck in any snowstorms." Lyra grabbed Asriel's arm before he could stride away. "Remember you're coming back the same day as me, you promised."

"I can't control that," Asriel snorted. "But natural disasters withstanding I'll be here in a week."

Lyra grinned, finally letting Asriel go.

She had a good feeling that this time he'd keep his promise.

-

The first two days of the trip were spent in Oslo, going to museums and other cultural sites, before they took a train then a minibus further north to a smaller town. Their hostel here was small and rustic, the whole place smelling of crisp air and wood completely unlike the larger city they’d come from (though that had been quite nice too, especially compared to London).

They were allowed to explore the town after unpacking, as long as they stayed in pairs and were back in the meeting spot by a certain time. So naturally, Lyra grabbed Will and dragged him off.

Pan trotted beside her as an arctic fox, his bushy white tail swaying from side to side. "I can't believe they let us look around by ourselves. I thought on school trips a teacher would always be with us."

"They were when we went away in primary school," Kirjava purred. She was a beautiful grey lynx, thick fur perfect for the chilly weather. "This is different."

"Probably because most of us are fifteen," Will pointed out, shoving his hands in the pockets of his worn jacket. "They trust us to be responsible."

"That was a mistake," Pan looked at Lyra out of the corner of his eye. She snorted.

"I bet I've been left to fend for myself way more. If anyone can be trusted, it's me."

"Trusted to climb the roofs, maybe."

"I'm not gonna climb these ones." As much as the traditional looking, wooden buildings in this quaint town looked incredibly fun to climb, she had enough common decency to not do it. She was old enough to know where the line was. Pan knew that, because he knew her as well as he knew herself. He was just teasing her... So frustrating. Ignoring her annoying Daemon, Lyra turned to Will who'd been watching with a slight smile. "Where d'you want to go?"

"Well..." Will put his hands on his hips, surveying their surroundings with a squinted gaze. "I'd like to go shopping for presents for mum and dad. This seems like a nice place to get them, I think I saw a little craft market when we drove in."

"I spotted that too," Pan chirped up. His smugness filled Lyra's chest, making her feel happy too. He'd always been the more observant of the two, and while they squabbled over it sometimes Lyra wasn't really ever upset about it. They both had their strengths and together made a whole. "It wasn't too far away from here. I can definitely get us there."

He scampered down the roads he remembered, long snout pointing them in the right direction. It wasn't difficult to navigate, with only a few streets and a handful of people meandering around. The small craft market, in a twisting alley off the main Street, was slightly busier - but not by much. Tantalising smells hit lyra's nose, making her mouth water and stomach growl.

"Didn't you eat enough at breakfast?" Will teased.

"Lyra can never eat enough," Pan laughed as if her hunger didn't affect him too, twisting his white head to look at Will as he walked. "She's always hungry."

"That e'nt true," Lyra glared down at him. "Just can't resist when there's nice food on offer."

"We'll make sure to fill your stomach then," Will grinned, the laughter in his eyes enough to make Lyra smile too, slight annoyance forgotten. She felt so comfortable with Will, even when he was teasing her. It was hard to be mad at him and Pan when they did this, because she felt Pan's happiness and it showed how much Pan liked Will. Of course Pan liked Roger too, but it was different with Will.

"Let's shop first," Lyra said, leaning down to pick up Pan before he could protest. He wouldn't exactly be able to see any of the stalls from down there anyway. He nipped at her nose before turning into a blackbird to perch on her shoulder. "It'll be hard if our hands are full of food."

"You're planning to use my hands too?" Will chuckled, pausing at the first stall. "Alright, you're the boss."

Lyra stuck out her tongue at him, turning away to look at the stall too. It was covered in delicately beautiful jewellery, handmade with care. A pair of tear drop, jade earrings caught her eyes and she carefully picked them up. They were beautiful... But she didn't wear earrings, and didn't plan to start anytime soon. Every now and then she got the urge to pierce her ears, looking at other girls in her year with envy, but just as quickly it was gone. She couldn't even stand wearing a bracelet for longer than an hour.

These earrings would suit her mother, but what was beautiful to Lyra would be far too lowbrow for Marisa. She'd never deign to wear earrings from a craft market... Not that Lyra would ever get her a gift, anyway.

She quickly put them back, shoving her hands into her pockets and stepping back as if nothing happened. Pan rubbed his face against her cheek and she gently scratched his neck in return. They waited for Will, who was pouring over the jewellery while softly talking to Kirjava about what would suit his mum. Eventually he picked out a necklace and a pair of earrings.

Lyra stepped in before he could awkwardly get out the few Norwegian words she'd taught him, confidently talking to the seller in her very much not fluent Norwegian - but it was more than enough for a purchase.

It felt good helping Will for once.

They continued to browse, but nothing else caught Lyra's eye - until the very end of the street, where she spotted a small stall selling various goods made of hand carved wood. She definitely had to get one of Roger, quickly picking out a small dog carving that reminded her of him.

Asriel too. There were various snow leopards, or some kind of leopard, she could get him one as well. She didn't think he'd appreciate any of the jewellery or other fancy things... Though she wasn't sure he'd want anything at all.

"What should we get dad?" Lyra tilted her head towards Pan, whose sharp eyes were scanning the stall. "Dunno if he'd display anything."

"A keyring? Stelmaria complained about him taking ages to get his keys outta his bag because they're so small."

That was a good idea, nice and practically rather than something you put somewhere to look at.

She reached for a snow leopard keychain at the same time as Will reached for the one beside it.

Their hands brushed together. The brief touch sent sparks dancing across her skin and her cheeks heated up. Pan turned into a mountain hare with a confused squeak. Lyra jerked her hand back and grasped it against her chest. What had that been? A static shock? Her chest felt weirdly fluttery.

Pan quivered on her shoulder, pressing his wet nose against her neck. He was just as confused as she was.

"You getting this for your dad?" Will waved the snow leopard keyring in front of her, concern brimming in his dark eyes. "Or did you decide not to?"

"I'm getting it," Lyra took the keyring from Will quickly, shaking away the weirdness fluttering through her chest. It was just Will, it must be nothing. Just a slight shock or something. "Just didn't realise you were there."

Will inclined his head, no longer looking so concerned. He held up an eagle keyring with a smile. "Great minds think alike, huh? I'm getting this for dad."

"It was my idea," Pan boasted, puffing up his chest.

Kirjava softly laughed, echoing, "mine too."

"Looks like our daemons are the smart ones then," Will chuckled, gently stroking Kirjava's grey, feathered head. "Let's buy these then go grab some food?"

Lyra nodded, lips curving up into a soft smile she hadn't realised she was capable of producing. Stall food sounded good, but getting it with Will sounded even better.

-

"Dad!"

Asriel grunted at the other end of the phone. Lyra could picture his furrowed brow and harsh glare, annoyance seeping in his gaze. "Don't shout."

"I e'nt." She hadn't been that loud, just excited. "How's your work going?"

"Well. It's easier to perform experiments on dust up here, where there's more room and less people. We got usable energy readings at the point we’ll make the crossing, where the mountains are closest to the city. Now we can finally make progress- after so long being stuck! The amount of energy of the Daemon bond is immense - extraordinary really, when it's such a fundamental thing. Now that we're over this blocker things will move much faster. After a few tests the readings are working here, too- otherwise I'd have to drag you to mountains for more tests! Of the rudimentary results gotten from Stelmaria and me it's possible to start working on a prototype to harness it, but we need more data to be sure. The circuits-"

"Asriel," Stelmaria's rumble cut him off. "We don't have time to explain it all."

"Ah, yes, you're right, Stelmaria." Asriel coughed. "I suppose I should ask how your trip is going, Lyra."

Pan and Lyra shared a look, before Lyra rolled her eyes. Always about the work first... At least he'd gotten a bit better and actually asked about her. Actually, calling her at all was something she could only dream of a few years ago.

It felt strange to think about.

"It's really good! We was in Oslo first, and we went to these really cool museums about exploring with boats in them! Then we travelled further North to this small village… on the first day we was allowed to look around it, so me and Will went round a market and then just wandered around. He dragged me into a museum that was pretty interesting, they had loads of old weapons and stuff. Yesterday we went bird watching on a boat, which was bloody freezing - we didn't even see anything interesting! Pan had loads of fun in the water, though. The teacher's keep making me do all the talking but they complimented my Norwegian so that's not so bad... I don't speak it that well, guess to them it sounds good. I'm getting to do loads I haven't before!"

She guessed rambling was a family trait. At least, in the family that mattered. Perhaps her mother would talk for hours about something she was interested in, but Lyra was yet to witness it. Marisa never talked about her work - something she did seem interested in. No, she only told well crafted tales and intricately woven lies.

Lyra could always tell, cause she was a liar too.

"Hm, good that you're not causing too much trouble."

"I e'nt! Oh, we're going up the mountains tomorrow. There's a few waterfalls to check out, and some kind of interesting rock surface. I didn't pay much attention when they explained... But we're gonna be walking up, and it might be quite tough. Good practice, right?"

"I doubt it. They wouldn't take a group of highschoolers on a path with similar conditions to here."

He was probably right. When the teachers had said it was tough, they probably meant for kids who weren't used to walking up hills... Not that Lyra had much experience with that, but she did with climbing roofs and it couldn't be all that different. "... I wish I was there right now."

Pan froze, head jerking towards her. His little paws trembled and his concern flooded him. Lyra comfortingly scratched the back of his neck, for both of them.

She hadn't expected to feel homesick so suddenly.

She'd lost track of the number of times she missed Asriel, but it was always just a dull ache - ever present, but ignorable. There'd been no expectations there. But this was different

"You'd be bored here."

"You dunno that," Lyra frowned, scooping Pan off her shoulder and pulling him against her chest. It was comforting hugging him, and he was long enough to still be able to hear the phone call. "I'd be loads of help, honest."

"It's not about whether you'd help or not," Asriel snorted. "You've seen how dull my work can be. In Oxford you can leave. You'd go stir crazy stuck here."

"We do too," Stelmaria added. "Whenever there's a storm."

Lyra knew he was right, but it didn't stop the yearning in her heart. Pan felt it too, stretching his brown and white face towards the phone as if it would bring him closer to Stelmaria.

"Anyway, you wanted to go on this trip. If you didn't, we'd both be back in Oxford." Asriel paused, faint rustling coming through the phone. "You're not sick, are you?"

"I e'nt." As if Lyra was the kind of teenager that would need a parent as soon as she was sick. She'd looked after herself more often than not when she got ill - not that she got ill very often anyway. "Just don't have as much freedom on this trip as we thought. I thought we'd be going up mountains everyday, or camping, or something."

Asriel snorted. "There was always a clear itinerary, Lyra, one that included more museums than wilderness."

"I didn't read it." She glanced at Pan. "Nor did Pan."

"Well that's on you, isn't it."

"... I guess." Lyra scrunched up her face, not quite willing to admit it. She'd just been too excited to go to Norway, and been even more set on it when she found out Will was also going. Really her missing Asriel was silly, because she was enjoying being here and would be home soon enough... She couldn't stop her feelings though. "Will you take me with you next time you go to Svalbard?"

"Maybe. No promises, but I'll take you one day."

One day was good enough, because it meant Asriel would definitely take her. She'd waited this long, so she could wait a little bit longer.

-

Lyra was bored out of her mind. Even Pan was beginning to find the tour tedious, a mountain hike that had them bouncing with excitement quickly turning into the dullest walk they'd ever had. They couldn't even talk to Will, because any talking above a whisper had a teacher glaring at them as if they'd shoved another student off a cliff. What was the point in this? Lyra really couldn't stand hearing the exact details about how yet another waterfall had formed, or an in depth explanation of all the layers of rock they could see on a cliff face.

It was so boring and useless. If they were gonna bring Geography into it, couldn't they at least make it fun?

We should've stayed at home, Lyra complained to Pan. He dragged his white paws beside her, in the arctic fox form that had become his favourite as soon as they reached Norway. The teachers manage to make everything boring.

But Will and Kirjava are here, Pan looked up at her with knowing eyes. Of course if she was stuck in Oxford she'd be jealous and upset that she wasn't on a school trip with Will - an experience she'd never had. She hadn't even left the country before this! It's not all bad. Maybe we can just zone the rest out.

Lyra paused, a more fun idea quickly forming in her head. She didn't care about what was being taught and anyone else there, so why not just spend some time with Will? They were already at the back of the group so no one would notice they were gone.

Pan was hesitant, but he was bored enough to agree. They'd just go a bit away from the group to look around... Nothing too dangerous.

"Will!" Lyra whispered, sidling up to him and glancing around to make sure the teachers weren't watching them. "Let's go look around alone."

Will narrowed his eyes, eyebrows drawn together as he scrutinised Lyra. "I don't think that's a good idea, Lyra."

"C'mon, it'll be way more interesting!"

"It doesn't sound safe, and we'll get in trouble."

"It'll be fine! We won't be away for long, what do you think will go wrong? We'll get lost? C'mon, Will, please!"

"It won't be too far," Pan added to her pleas, black eyes widening into an adorably irresistibly look. "Please."

Will glanced between the two of them, before inclining his head. "Fine, but only for a bit."

Lyra grinned, grabbing Will's arm before he could change his mind. She tried not to think about the feeling of his lithe muscles beneath a thin jumper as she dragged him away, Pan pouncing on Kirjava to corral her off the path. They were barely halfway up the mountain, thick forest surrounding the barely inclined path they were walking along. It was all too easy to slip into it and away from the group.

Soft moss cushioned their feet, spread across the forest floor. Pan leapt away from Kirjava and shifted into a pine marten, scaling a tall narrow tree with ease. Kirjava followed him at a slower pace, after some hesitation, turning into a wild cat and climbing up after him.

A soft sigh escaped Lyra's lips as gentle wind ruffled through Pan's fur, his elation flooding her. The trees were too thin for humans to climb, with long brittle branches, so she could only experience it through him.

"This is much better," Lyra smiled, swinging her arms up behind her head. "I was about to lose my mind with boredom. How did he get a job as a tour guide?"

"I think it's meant to be more educational than entertaining," Will shrugged one shoulder, a smile playing on the corner of his lips.

"Don't tell me you liked it?" Lyra narrowed her eyes at Will. She'd be seriously questioning their friendship if he liked something so horrendously boring... What if he started dragging her on tours like that more often?

"God no," Will laughed. "I couldn't wait for it to end. I expected it to be a bit boring, but not that bad. I was trying to zone it out and enjoy the views."

"It's much nicer here, anyway." Lyra indicated to the surrounding trees. Bird calls filled the air, wind gently rustling through the leaves. The whole forest was vibrant and filled with life, yet so peaceful and calm at the same time. It was everything Lyra had imagined when she'd wanted to go to Norway, and when she was told they'd be going on a mountain walk.

Away from the group she could actually talk to Will. She'd have enjoyed it alone, but the atmosphere was even nicer with the company. It brought her a sense of security. Pan shared her joy, flitting between trees with Kirjava.

As they walked, engrossed in conversation, white mist began to curl around their legs. It hovered above the forest floor, creeping up and thickening in the blink of an eye.

Will stopped, looking around with a frown. "We should head back."

Lyra gulped, then nodded. The mist was coating the forest now, causing a beautifully eerie atmosphere she didn't have the time to enjoy. They needed to get back to the path before it got even worse.

"This way." Lyra led the way, retracing their path with Pan's help from the trees. It shouldn't be too hard, just going back the way they came, between them they had a good enough memory and sense of direction-

A wide, slowly flowing river blocked their path. They hadn't come across a river before now. This wasn't the right way.

They were lost.

White weaved through the trees, coating the other bank of the river with a thick fog she could barely see through. Pan scurried back down a tree, touching the ground as an arctic fox and scurrying back to Lyra with fluffed up fur. Shared panic clutched their chest and heaved out their lungs as heavy breaths.

Visibility was getting worse and worse, a sheet of white mist encroaching their vision.

"This isn't the right way." Will looked around, eyes squinting against the dimming light.

Kirjava had followed Pan down from the trees, padding over to Will and pressing against his legs. "We're lost. This should've been the way we came."

"It's the way I remembered," Pan squeaked.

"It's fine, we just took a wrong turn somewhere." Lyra bent down to pick up Pan, pushing down her panic by holding him close. This was fixable. Just think, what would Asriel do. He wouldn't give up as soon as something went wrong. "We just need to go back a bit and figure it out."

Lyra turned on her heel, hurrying back the way they came with Pan clutched to her chest. At least, she thought this was the way they'd gone, but it was hard to tell when she could barely see a metre away from her. Thick white fog covered everything, making it difficult to tell where they were going at all.

But she was determined to fix this.

Pan turned into a firefly to help her see, buzzing out of her arms and just in front of her. His vision was better than hers too, so she followed him blindly. She trusted Pan to find the way. They must be getting close to the right way, she was sure she'd seen that tree before-

"Lyra, stop!" Will snapped, grabbing Lyra's wrist and yanking her to a halt. "This is getting ridiculous! We can't keep wandering around with no clue where we're going, getting more and more lost! For all you know you're leading us towards the edge of a cliff!"

"Pan can see further than that, ask Kirjava- we're going the right way, I'm sure of it."

"No we're not! You know as well as I do that we're lost, but you don't want to admit it. This is all your fault. If we hadn't left the group we wouldn't be in this situation. I shouldn't have listened to you... This was such a stupid idea!"

She'd seen Will angry before, but it had never been directed at her. There was an intensity in his gaze that had her cowering, looking down at her feet. It was like when she first met him, when he'd wanted nothing to do with her until she'd broken down his walls. She hated it, her skin crawling. But she knew she was wrong.

"I'm sorry, Will."

"What's the use in that?" Will narrowed his eyes at her. Kirjava bared her teeth as a Lynx by his side, grey fur puffed up. "You did it."

Lyra hung her head and Pan whined at her side, distress radiating off him. She didn't have the words to defend herself - she should've bore with the boredom, or just gone off by herself. Now she'd dragged Will into it.

"Whatever," Will held up his hands with an agitated sigh. "There's no point arguing over it, it's done now. We need to find some shelter before it gets dark, or we'll freeze. We need water too."

"I can do both!" Lyra instantly dragged herself out of her dismal state, wanting to make up for causing the situation in the first place. She'd expected to use all her survival knowledge when exploring with Asriel, not out of necessity. At least she could be helpful. "We can get water from moving rivers... Just anything that e'nt stagnant. If we lean large branches against a tree we can make a shelter, we gotta make sure to put leaves on the ground to... Otherwise it'll get cold. I saw a river near, lemme-"

"We shouldn't stray far away from each other," Will interrupted before she could run off. "Let's find what we can here."

"Alright... I'll do what you say," Lyra wrung her hands together. "Cause it's my fault."

Will didn't disagree, but his gaze softened a little.

Together they gathered enough wood to make a rough shelter, enough to protect them from the wind and keep them a bit warm. They huddled in it together, daemons cuddled up against each other, and both checked their phones. Lyra's was dead and Will's on low battery with no signal, so they wouldn't be able to get any help. The fog remained thick around them and the sun was beginning to dip beyond the horizon.

"We'll try find our way back in the morning," Will said, brow tight with worry but lacking in anger. "We'll have to sleep here tonight, I think."

Lyra nodded. Their makeshift shelter was small and uncomfortable, forcing them to sit shoulder to shoulder. Lyra could probably sleep in this situation, cause she'd fallen asleep in just as bad places as before, but she worried about Will. He wouldn't be used to this, would he? He should be back in a lumpy hostel bed rather than here. But he was right, it would be too dangerous to try and find their way now. Lyra had already gotten them even more lost.

"And I'm sorry." Will turned his head towards Lyra, lips turning up into a slight smile and eyes soft. "For getting so angry earlier. I was worried more than anything."

"It's alright. This is all my fault anyway... I'm sorry, I was reckless. I shouldn't have dragged us so far away."

"I didn't stop you."

"Nor did I," Pan said, ears pulled back. "I should've, then we wouldn't have even suggested it..."

Lyra shook her head and scooped him up into her arms, pressing his fluffy body into her chest. "It e'nt your fault, you was hesitant but I ignored your worries."

Pan whined, pressing his nose into Lyra's neck. She hugged him close, pressing her face into his snow coloured fur and breathing deeply. As much as she was putting on a strong front, she was shaken up by all of this. It just showed how much she lacked in experience... Asriel would've never ended up in this situation. Her carelessness was hurting someone else too.

"There's no point thinking about that now," Will said calmly. "It's done now. Save your energy for figuring a way back tomorrow. Let's sleep now."

With a slight nod Lyra shifted herself into a more comfortable position, leaning against Will and closing her eyes. Tomorrow would be better, they'd get back with no problem at all.

-

When morning came, first light poking through the gaps in the branches surrounding them, it was clear that they were more lost than Lyra had expected. She dragged herself out of the shelter with a grown, stretching out all the aches from sleeping in an awkward position all night. Pan shook out his fur with an exaggerated yawn, blinking sleep heavy eyes and looking around.

There was thick forest as far as the eye could see. There was no way of telling where they were or which way they should go.

"Morning," Will yawned as he ducked out from the shelter behind her, stretching his long arms above his head. He must be aching even more than Lyra since he was almost a head taller, and the shelter had been too small for her. Kirjava hung around his neck as a polecat, eyes still half closed. She sleepily greeted Pan. "We should eat something. I have energy bars."

"I got some cereal bars and chocolate," Lyra replied, grabbing her backpack and digging into it. She wished she'd packed more food, like trail mix she'd turned her nose up at whenever she saw Asriel packing it for his trips away. Now it seemed much more appealing than chocolate, that would barely fill her stomach. She could probably forage them some food if needed... She pulled out a cereal bar before her fingers skimmed something metal. "Will! I have a compass in my bag."

She pulled it out with a grin, tearing open the cereal bar and stuffing it into her mouth with the other hand. It wasn't as useful as a map, but at least they'd be able to tell which direction they were going in. She didn't remember packing it, or even owning a compass in the first place, so Asriel must have slipped it in when she was packing... She wondered if he'd been contacted yet by the school.

For the first time she hoped that Asriel didn't have signal right now, that he was stuck in a snowstorm and uncontactable. The thought of him finding out that she was missing had her gut twisting into knots, fear and distress clashing. He'd be worried and angry, she was sure, neither of which she wanted - even if it was a sign he cared. But she didn't like it all the same.

"Great, we won't be walking entirely blind," Will looked over her shoulder at the compass, narrowing his eyes. "Do you know how to read it?"

"Yeah. It ain't hard without a map."

"Well I missed the compass reading classes," Will snorted, lips curving into a teasing smile. He seemed to be in a better mood than the day before, as if he didn't blame her at all even though they were lost on a mountain in the middle of nowhere. Maybe he was just good at hiding his frustrations... Lyra wouldn't be surprised. Will was hard to read. "We need to find water first, then we can get down off the mountain and find a road."

"We came from the north I think," Pan piped up, crawling up Lyra's legs as a rat and scurrying along her arm. He looked at the compass with beady black eyes as Lyra adjusted it, turning around until she found North.

She remembered the same as Pan, but that didn't mean they were right. Will and Kirjava had no other suggestions and they didn't have a map, so it would have to do.

It could take that long to get off the mountain and to a road. Lyra was sure they'd be back after a day or two.

-

"Lyra, wait!"

Will dragged Lyra back before she could put her weight on her front foot, his fingers digging into her arm. Rocks crumbled down where her foot had just been, crashing into the ravine beside them. Lyra shuddered and leaned against the rock wall to their right. Pan flapped onto her shoulder with an agitated cry, pressing his face into her cheek as she pushed down the fear rising in her chest. That would've been her if Will hadn't pulled her back - if he hadn't noticed the section of the path was unstable.

She should've been more careful.

They'd been travelling for over three days now, forest thinning and giving way to a winding ravine. The waterfall crashing into the churning river below was a good sign that they were at least going lower, perhaps almost off the mountain itself. It wasn't the way they'd come originally but that didn't matter - they just needed to find a road or any civilisation.

It was difficult going, even if they managed to forage food to stop themselves from going hungry. Lyra had never thought that the book she'd been given about safe mushrooms would come in handy, and she also never wanted to eat mushrooms ever again. She was sick of them, but neither of them had the skills to hunt and cook animals and there was little else they could get. The constant walking was taking a toll. Lyra was fairly certain her whole foot was a blister, and from the way Will limped when he thought she wasn't looking his was too. Even their daemons felt it, barely changing form to conserve what little energy their humans had left.

"Go slower," Will said, finally letting go of Lyra's arm. His dirt covered fingers trembled just slightly, the only sign he was as shocked as she was. "It's better we take our time and make it than... Not. Are you alright?"

Lyra heaved out a shaky breath before smiling up at him. She pushed back the tangled hair that had fallen in front of her eyes when he pulled her. It was difficult to manage right now, all matted and dirty from nights spent sleeping on the forest floor. She knew her face wouldn't be much better, covered in mud and grime - but so was Will's. "I'm fine. We just gotta get across... Watch."

Lyra took a step back, before running and leaping forward. She landed on the other side of the gap, half falling into the wall to stop her momentum. It had been easy to get across, because she'd made far larger jumps on the Jordan college roof.

She turned back to Will with a grin. "C'mon, it's easy!"

Will frowned, disapproval clear in his tired eyes. But she was already across, he couldn't exactly stop her. Will easily scaled the gap behind her.

"Be more careful," he said, brow furrowed. Lyra shrugged. "We should get out of here before dark."

They kept going, one behind the other in mostly silence beyond pointing out places where the path was unstable or the wall was crumbling. It narrowed the further down they got, steep wall and a sharp fall blocking them into the small path cut out from the rock face. There were places so narrow they had to press against the wall, their daemons flying in front of them to scout the way and point out where to put their feet.

But they were making progress.

After all this, Lyra had realised she couldn't do everything alone. If it had just been her she would've fallen into the ravine, or likely from a tree unable to hold her weight on the first day when she'd considered climbing it to get a better view (even though Pan could do it for her). Everytime she tried to do something by herself Will wouldn't let her, because it was safest that they stayed together. There were things he could do that she couldn't - he was much stronger than her, for one.

She had to learn to rely on Will.

She'd never really relied on anyone before, not properly. Even with Asriel being more present she struggled to depend on him because she'd spent most of her life without being able to. She was used to being independent, just her and Pan, and so was Asriel. It was better than before, but she'd never rely on anyone else... Until now.

Will was someone she could actually trust. He'd already protected her a few times, and she'd helped him - they could rely on each other. She'd never had that before. It felt... Nice, even if the situation was far from it.

"We're reaching the end," Will breathed, chest heaving up and down as they went past a particularly difficult bit. The slope was beginning to get less steep as they got closer to the river, and the path became less dangerous. It winded into another thick forest, disappearing into the trees along with the river. "Let's rest here."

Lyra hummed her agreement, craning to look behind them. The mountain towered above them, casting a shadow over the pass they'd found themselves in. Even if this wasn't the right direction, it was good to know they'd gotten off it.

Hopefully it would be easier from here.

-

Lyra! I see houses!

Lyra jerked out of her mindless revery, mind drifting as they trudged through more forest. Finally! It was getting colder, as if they were moving towards winter rather than in spring, and neither Lyra or Will had thick enough coats for the weather. She couldn't wait to get inside a warm house, submerging herself in a roasting bath to wash off the dirt that was like a second skin now.

Finally, something was their way.

"Pan's seen houses," Lyra muttered, shoving her hands under her armpits to stop herself from shivering. They'd been walking all day again and the sun was getting low, and with it the chill was becoming unbearable. "Not far from here."

"I was beginning to think we'd never find civilisation," Will said mirthfully, pulling his rain jacket close around him. Kirjava dropped out of a nearby tree, pressing against his legs. She'd been scouring in the opposite direction to Pan, both of them pulling the Daemon bond as far as they could. "Let's go before we freeze."

Lyra led the way under Pan's guidance from the trees, powering through the underbrush with newfound energy. Even the cold fog beginning to wrap around her ankles didn't deter her. Relief was coursing through her body at the thought of finally being safe. They'd be able to get back to a main city from here, or at least contact their parents.

She'd take any scolding from Asriel if she got to see him again.

"Strange that we haven't seen any people yet," Will commented as the trees thinned, buildings beginning to come into view. He stepped in front of Lyra protectively, walking in front of her. Pan flapped down from the trees and onto her shoulder, trembling against her neck. "We should be careful."

The closer they got to the houses, the more obvious it was that something was wrong. It was too quiet. There were none of the sounds that came with people, no talking or movement. It was chillingly silent.

When it came into sight it was clear the village was abandoned, coated in an eerie mist. The buildings creaked in the wind and there were objects littering the street as if the inhabitants had left in a rush. It seemed that people had lived here not too long ago, going by how this place smelt to Pan.

A chill ran down Lyra's spine. She didn't like this one bit.

"We can shelter here for the night." Will surveyed the houses, before pointing to a small one in the centre. He didn't seem bothered at all, Kirjava quietly exploring unlike Pan who was cowering at Lyra's neck. Did he not feel the strangeness? "Take shelter in there, start a fire if you can. I'll try find us some food."

Lyra didn't want to separate but she knew it was faster. There was no point both of them doing a job only one had to, and they needed both food and a fire. She was just being paranoid.

As they approached the house Pan got more and more agitated, forcing Lyra to hold him tight in her arms so he didn't try to bolt. What was he so afraid of? There was nothing here. A ghost? Those weren't real. She pushed away his feelings and steeled herself. She would let his nerves get to her, she was braver than this.

The door creaked open with the slightest nudge, dust swirling in the air and tickling Lyra's nose. She squinted to see in the dimly lit house, taking a cautious step inside. Her fingers fumbled along the wall before finding a light switch, flicking it up and down a few times. No luck. With Pan too worried to help with the light she just had to see by the low evening light, eyes gradually adjusting as she stepped more into the house. It was a mess just like the village itself, clothes strewn across the hallway and furniture knocked over.

As if everyone has left in a rush.

A floorboard creaked under Lyra's foot, echoed through the house. A groan replied. She froze, eyes widening.

"There's someone here," Lyra hissed. She clutched Pan against her, his little heart beating rapidly. She almost went blind with his inexplicable fear. They shouldn't be scared, because finding another person was a good thing - why did everything here feel so wrong.

Slowly and cautiously, she made her way into the main room of the house. She could hear laboured breathing the closer she got. The low light highlighted a prone figure, chest heaving up and down and limbs shaking. Horror clutched her as she reluctantly approached him. Everything screamed at her to run, Pan burrowing into her coat. Pushing down both their fear she crouched down in front of the figure.

It was a little boy.

The little boy was pale and trembling. His blue lips mouthed words silently and his trembling hands clutched a frozen fish to his chest. He was completely alone.

"Lyra, where's his daemon," Pan squeaked, quivering against her chest. His fear clutched her, entwining with horror and disgust. She bit it down. "He hasn't got a Daemon!"

Lyra wanted to run, but her feet were rooted to the spot. Bile rose in her throat. A person without a Daemon was hardly a person at all, more like a ghost that she'd been convinced didn't exist moments before. It was unnatural, and horrifying.

"Where's my ratter... You got my ratter?"

"No," Lyra whispered, forcing herself not to flinch away from him. She clung to Pan as if just being close to this boy could tear him away from her. "What's... What's your name?"

"Tony," he groaned, clutching the fish closer. "Where's ratter?"

"I don't know." Lyra trembled, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. She blinked them away and buried her face in Pan's fur. Pan whimpered, sorrow and pity shared between them for the poor boy who was all alone. She couldn't imagine being apart from Pan. She didn't want to. "Don't worry, Tony, we'll find her. We'll get you some food too."

Pity beat the revulsion stirring in her heart, and she carefully helped the little boy sit up and lean against a dusty sofa. Pan curled around her neck, wanting to comfort Tony just as his own Daemon should have, but he couldn't - it was taboo to touch another.

It was horrible.

Lyra fumbled for her water bottle, carefully feeding some of it to Tony. Half of it fell down onto his puffy, grey oversuit - horribly clinical with a second hand look to it. It was better than nothing.

"Lyra! This place is only recently abandoned, I found some edible food, let's-"

"Will," Lyra cut him off, standing as he entered. He looked at her face, then at the frail boy beside her. His eyes filled with worry, lips turning down slightly. "We're not alone. This is Tony, he... He's lost his daemon."

"What?"

"He doesn't have a Daemon," Lyra whispered, voice choked up. It was so hard to say because it was so wrong. No one should be without a Daemon.

Kirjava trembled, yellow eyes widening with pity and disgust similar to the emotions still swirling inside Pan. She pressed herself against Will, who knelt down beside Tony carefully. "How did this happen?"

"I don't know." Lyra shook her head in distress. Part of her didn't want to know, but she also wanted to find whoever did this and make sure they never did it again.

But what could she do? She was just a lost teenager.

"Do you know where my ratter is?" Tony moaned, pained eyes focusing on will. "I don't know where she's gone."

"I don't." Will winced. Kirjava trembled beside him, nose moving towards the boy before pulling back and pressing against Will. "But we'll help you find her."

"We will." Lyra ignored the sick feeling in her gut. Even if they found his daemon their bond couldn't be remade, could it? She turned to Will. "Why would someone do this? It's so cruel! Cutting away someone's Daemon, its-" Lyra froze. Her dad had always spoken about those who viewed shadow matter as sin, and that children were free of it. She had a sinking feeling it was those people who'd done it... But her father had never mentioned anything like this. Wasn't her mother's research related? No, it couldn't be. "It's the church!"

"They can't be," Will shook his head in disbelief, rough hand covering Lyra's own. It brought a small amount of comfort, the weight and warmth of his skin against hers, but not much. "Why would they want to do that?"

"Cause..." Lyra frowned, unsure how to word it to make it all sound believable - Asriel's work would seem so far fetched to anyone else. "Dad says they think daemons are the source of sin, when they settle that is. I dunno maybe that's why."

"They wouldn't get away with it. It must've been an accident. Maybe it's why the village is abandoned."

"Maybe." Lyra shrugged. She hoped that was the case. Pan pushed his nose into her neck, gently licking her. He thought it was more than that too. But she hoped Will was right.

"I think I can get the stove working." Will let go of her hand and stood. Lyra's fingers curled up, missing the warmth instantly. His hand against hers had helped calm down her beating heart were sometimes it would only make it go faster. It was strange. "We all need to eat... Him especially. I'll whip something up."

Lyra hummed her agreement, resting her hand in Pan’s fur for comfort. Any appetite she'd had was gone, ripped out of her and replaced with nausea every time she looked at Tony. She tried to ignore it as she stroked Pan, his face nuzzling into her neck in return. She still had her Daemon, her soul.

But how cruel it was for someone else to not.

"Here, eat this." A slightly cracked plate was held out in front of her, with a delicious smelling omelette on it. Her stomach growled through all the nausea. She hadn't had proper food in days, the despair triggered by Tony wasn't enough in the face of warm food. "It'll help. My mum always says there's nothing a good meal can't fix."

"I don't think that's right," Lyra half laughed. She stuffed a piece of omelette into her mouth, gulping it down. She never thought an omelette could taste so good. "Thanks."

"Yeah I think she meant it for small things, like doing badly in a test," Will smiled slightly. "But it still helps a bit."

Lyra definitely had more energy after eating, but sorrow and disgust still ate at her and Pan. After eating themselves between them they managed to get Tony to eat a bit. Lyra took it on herself to find blankets while Will fed him the omelette remainders, exploring through the creaking house until she found musty thick wool blankets that would keep them all warm. She covered up Tony with one, draping another around Will's shoulders and then curling up beside them with her own wrapped around her and Pan.

It was dark now, the only light source candles Will had found while lighting the stove. The orange light dimly highlighted their faces, only making them look gaunter and dirtier. It cast long shadows around the room, making it look like they were being watched.

Lyra was about to try to sleep when she felt Tony seize beside her, breathing coming out in short gasps. He seemed to struggle for air, clutching the fish against his chest tighter against him, the word ratter weakly spilling from his lips over and over again.

"Will," Lyra let out a panicked cry, grabbing Tony's hand and suppressing a shudder. "I think he's-"

"Don't look," Will pulled Lyra into his arms, Pan diving down her shirt before they could come into contact. As he hugged her Will reached over to Tony, attempting to sooth him. "You'll be reunited, I promise."

Lyra had to look, even though Will tried to protect her from it. She could feel his pounding heart and panicked breaths, things he couldn't hide when they were so close together. She wouldn't let him do this alone.

Tony's breathing slowed, pain slipping from his eyes as he turned glassy. Soon he wasn't even breathing at all. His already pale skin turned paler, his lips turning blue.

Pan let out a wail, and Kirjava joined, a low mournful sound filling the room. Tears pricked at Lyra's eyes and her breath caught in her throat. It was such a cruel ending, too cruel, to die without your Daemon by your side for those last moments.

She reached over and closed his eyes. "Goodbye, Tony."

Will was stiff beside her, arms still locked around her. She shifted and hugged him back, their daemons pressing together for comfort. Tears spilled down her cheeks against her will. The two teenagers found comfort in each other, hugging through the shock. What they'd done hadn't been enough to save him... It was horrible.

Lyra burrowed her face in Will’s shoulder, hands clenched in his jumper. Her chest heaved with shuddered breaths as she struggled to keep down her sobs. She closed her eyes and gritted her teeth, trying to concentrate on the feeling of Will’s warm body beside her. Maybe it was better this way, a better existence for Tony than one without ever seeing his daemon again. It was just so hard to accept.

"We should bury him," Lyra whispered, wiping away her tears and pulling back from Will. His own reddened eyes flickering over to the body, before nodding. "Now. I can't sleep with him here."

"I agree." Will stood up, motions awkward and stiff. Neither talked, because they didn't know how to.

They'd bury him, then sleep, and process it tomorrow.

-

It was difficult to not feel hopeless the next day. The air felt heavy when Lyra woke up, her lessened body aches made up by the bruise on her heart. Nausea still roiled in her gut at what they'd witnessed. Who'd done that to him? Who would rip a Daemon away from someone?

It sickened Lyra, and terrified her. Pan had spent the whole night under her shirt, burrowed against her skin as a trembling mouse.

She and Will ate breakfast in silence, each dwelling on their own thoughts. With each bite she took a little bit of energy came back to Lyra, and with it she was able to properly sooth Pan. He crawled out from under her shirt and shifted into an arctic fox, stretching out at her side.

Lyra wasn't one for dwelling, not when they still had to survive themselves. She shoved down the suffocating feelings, the heavy fear, she'd been feeling since last night.

"Let's get going," she said, standing and grabbing her bag. She wanted away from this place and the death now associated with it. When she got back she'd tell Asriel what had happened, and he'd do something about it. "I want to get home as soon as possible."

Will understood, packing up as quickly as possible. Kirjava tidied up the place, as if they were staying in someone else's home rather than an abandoned village. They were quickly ready and out of the creaking house.

"If we follow that path," Will pointed to the one winding through the houses, "we should reach a road."

Lyra nodded, hooking her thumbs in her backpack straps and striding forwards. Pan scurried at her heels, sharing her want to get out of this place. It had given them shelter for the night, and haunting memories they wished they could erase. She still felt sick.

Will hurried to catch up with her.

"Are you alright?" He asked softly, keeping pace at her side.

Of course she wasn't, how could she be? He wasn't either, she could tell. "Yeah."

It was a lie and they both knew it, because they could read each other so easily now. Will didn't call her out on it and just nodded. Neither commented either when they walked closer together, hands practically touching.

It felt safer.

The path out of the village eventually led to a road like Will expected, a single lane full of potholes. They were no less lost than when they first started, but at least they'd found a road. It felt like they were actually getting somewhere and had a direction to go in. If they followed the road they'd eventually come across a car.

"When I get home, the first thing I'm gonna do is take a long, hot bath," Lyra announced, breaking the silence that hung between them. She couldn't bear to sit with just her and Pan's thoughts. "We don't got a bath so I'm gonna make dad book a hotel room just for me to take one. Then I'll eat the biggest meal, with loads of meat! What do you want to do?"

"Well," Will tilted his head thoughtfully, easily going along with not talking about what had happened the night before. "I'll take a bath too. I don't think anyone would be too happy spending time with us right now."

"We ain't that bad... Are we?"

"You are," Pan chirped up, wrinkling his black nose. "You really stink."

Pan was probably right, because they hadn't washed in days. Lyra could see the dirt but she was just used to it all now. The clothes she was wearing probably needed burned when they got back.

"Yeah, so bath first," Will grinned, eyes creasing. "Then I'll spend time with my parents. I can't imagine how worried they've been... Ill have a lot to tell them too."

"Mm, I bet they'll be proud of you. I'm sure my dad'll be proud of me too. I did everything he taught me ‘bout surviving... Well, I taught myself most of it. Bet he'll take me to Svalbard with him next time he'll be so impressed."

"I think we'll get scolded first," Will snorted, good naturedly nudging Lyra's elbow. "If you're nice to me I won't throw you under the bus."

"You wouldn't dare," Lyra retorted, lightly shoving him back.

Even if he did, she'd understand. It was her fault after all. But Will wasn't that sort of person.

"I wouldn't," Will chuckled. "I'm looking forward to eating dad's cooking. I’d take anything, even a fried egg, as long as he’s cooked it it’ll be the best in the world. And mum’s brownies, god, I miss-"

"Will," Kirjava interrupted him, yellow cat eyes narrowing. "There's something coming."

"A car?"

"I think so."

It wasn't a car, but a van, slowly making its way down the rugged road. They didn't even have to signal to it, the van pulling in just a bit in front of them. Three men got out, all tall and rugged.

One man approached them, talking in fast Norwegian at them. Lyra understood bits of it, but it was a dialect of Norwegian she'd never heard before. She could get the gist, but not enough to answer.

"Are you lost?" He asked eventually, in heavily accented English.

"We-"

Lyra grabbed Will's hand, subtly shaking her head. Something didn't feel right. She couldn't explain it, but she knew they shouldn't trust these men. The nondescript, white van set off alarm bells in her head. Any transportation van would have a logo or something on it, surely. And why did all three get out? Pan kept his distance from the daemons too, cowering between Lyra's legs where he'd normally be the first to greet them.

They should wait for someone else to come along.

Will raised an eyebrow, questions shining in his eyes.

"No," Lyra replied sweetly, putting an endearing smile on her face. "Our parents are just in the forest back there camping. We ran off for some fun by ourselves but they e'nt far."

"Ah, that's no good," the man shook his head, while his daemon whispered to his companions. "It is dangerous here. Come with us, we take you somewhere safe."

"No thanks, you e'nt got room in your van anyway." At their confused looks Lyra toned down her own accent. "You don't have room. We wouldn't want our parents to worry!"

"Our place is safer, there your parents can pick you up."

"I don't think-"

Without warning the man's wolf Daemon lunged forward, grabbing Pan and pinning him to the ground. Lyra let out a pained gasp, falling to the hard floor in shock. A large dog Daemon went for Kirjava, avoiding her sharp claws and easily taking her down as well.

Pan's fear shot through Lyra as he struggled, her breathing coming out in short pants. They had to had to get away, they had to-

"Sorry." The man crouched down next to her. "You must come with us."

There was a sharp pain against her head, and everything went black.

-

When Lyra woke up again they weren't in the van anymore, instead they were on a well crafted dog pulled sled. Snow surrounded them for miles, temperatures so cold she could barely feel her nose. She'd been bundled up in furs, Pan curled up against her and groggily woke up. Her head didn't think as much as she thought it should. How long had she been out for them to get this far north?

She twisted her head to the side, struggling to move with both her feet and hands bound. Relief flooded into her chest at the sight of Will similarly bound and bundled up next to her, dark eyes bleary and looking around with the same confusion she felt. Snowflakes rested in his coily hair, stark white standing out against black. Their eyes met with shared relief. They were both there.

There were only two men now, talking behind them in thick Norwegian. Lyra could make out a few words here and there, enough to get the gist of the situation.

They were being taken to somewhere called the station, and those men would be paid for handing them over. That they were taking any children they found.

Before she had a chance to try and whisper this to Will, a large grey building appeared on the horizon. It was made of metal and concrete, giving off a harsh and oppressive feeling the closer they got to it. Pan trembled against her chest, turning into a small mouse. There was something wrong with this place.

They entered down a narrow corridor between buildings, snow blowing over them. They were unceremoniously lifted inside a small building and dumped on the floor.

It seemed to be some kind of reception, with a reception desk and a nearly dressed lady standing beside it. She had a vacant look in her eyes, like a blank slate. Her white dog Daemon appeared just as emotionless, setting Pan's heart pounding.

The men conversed with another woman, stern looking and holding a clipboard, who turned her attention to the two of them. She looked completely different, more like the professors Lyra saw back in Jordan. There was a hunger in her eyes all too similar to her father's when nearing a breakthrough. This hunger terrified Lyra, unlike Asriel's.

She asked something in the Norwegian dialect, then in another language Lyra vaguely recognised. Finally she switched to English.

"What are your names?"

"Lizzie and Mark Brooks," Lyra replied, before Will could tell their actual names. She didn't want kidnappers knowing their real names. It was best if she lied for them both, since Will wasn't quite as good at it. "We're cousins."

"Well, Lizzie... Do your daemons always take this form?" The woman's gaze moved from Lyra and Will to Pan and Kirjava. Lyra gaped at the strange question, Will's eyes narrowing.

Kirjava bared her fangs, turning from a lynx into a wolverine, and Pan became a sharp taloned falcon. He swooped out of Lyra's jacket towards the woman's fox Daemon, screeching. The fox swiped at Pan, narrowly missing, who wheeled his way back to Lyra.

"Good," the scholarly woman smiled, satisfaction radiating off him. He pulled a drawstring pouch from his pocket and handed it over to the men that had brought them in. Short words were exchanged and the man approached Lyra with a knife, swiftly slicing through the rope tying her hands and legs together before moving onto Will.

Will's eyes stared so intensely at him that Lyra was worried he would punch the much stronger man. He didn't, but his expression was so fierce even Lyra felt unable to look at him.

"Come with me, then," the woman walked over to the reception desk impatiently, writing something down on a file. "Sister Clara, will you take... Um, the girl and see to her. Another sister will be along for him soon."

"Come along, then, dear," Sister Clara gave Lyra an almost unnerving smile, though why it frightened her Lyra didn't know. She didn't want to go with her, but it seemed she had no choice.

She looked back at Will.

"I'll be fine," he mouthed, as if she was just going to greet another friend rather than being taken away in a strange facility. His eyes softened when looking at her, though his lips were still twisted downwards. "I'll see you soon."

Lyra really hoped so, because they had no idea what this place was - for all they knew they would be killed the moment they went further in. She didn't have a chance to say anything, because Sister Clara was getting impatient and whisked her into another corridor.

"What was your name again, dear?"

"Lizzie."

"And how old are you?"

"Twelve."

It was a believable lie because Lyra was small and scrawny for her age, still yet to truly go through puberty. It hardly bothered her, except when Will and Roger lorded their heights over her, but it would be useful here. Someone small and weak appearing would be viewed as much more insignificant. She could pretend to be shy and nervous so they didn't suspect her so much.

There were no more questions, surprising Lyra. They entered a small room with stone walls, and large metal cabinets set into one of them. There was a wash basin at the side with bandages beside it, and a black curtain in the corner. A desk stood in the middle which Sister Clara walked over to.

"Now, you can take everything off, dear. We'll take a quick little look to make sure you're nice and healthy, then we'll get you some nice clean clothes. We'll pop you in the shower too."

Lyra reluctantly took off her jacket, Pan fluttering in protest. Lyra scowled at him, stopping him from fussing. He landed on the wall, brown moth wings closing.

"Who did you come here with, Lizzie?"

"My father," Lyra lied, pulling off her jumper. "We was camping on holiday with all my uncles and cousins."

Sister Clara noted something down, but didn't respond otherwise. One by one she removed the rest of her clothing, shame flushing red in her cheeks. She hadn't been naked in front of anyone since she was a child, back when she still needed help bathing and getting dressed, and she hadn't to be again. It was horrible, as if invisible gazes were crawling against her skin.

She swallowed down her disgust and concealed it.

"Into the shower with you, then."

Lyra was ushered through the curtain in the corner, revealing a small shower. As much as Lyra had been looking forward to a shower, just to be rid of the dirt that clung to her skin, she didn't want it to be under these circumstances. She reluctantly washed herself, Pan perched on the rail as a small finch, and shivered as she dragged herself out from under the warm water.

Once out of the shower Sister Clara took her temperature, and started doing all sorts of other tests. Another nurse came in and swung open one of the cabinets, pulling out a grey-blue oversuit - clean and good quality, but not new.

"Lyra," Pan hissed in her ear, moth wings quivering. His fear spiked through her, her breathing quickening. "That's like the one Tony was wearing."

She'd noticed as soon as it was pulled out, her breathing quickening and lips parting. An icy shiver ran down her spine and it took all her willpower to stop herself from trembling, hands lightly clenching into fists. All the horror she'd felt came rushing back, fear clutching her and nausea rising in her throat.

"This is it, Pan," Lyra whispered. "This is where they're cutting daemons away. This is where Tony came from."

They were in danger here, more than Lyra had first imagined. Here, Pan would be torn away from her.

They had to escape as soon as possible.

Chapter Text

Lyra was brought to a canteen, filled with round white tables and the low murmur of children. Her stomach grumbled at the smell of overdone food, fighting against the dredges of fear in her chest. Sister Clara directed her to the line of children waiting with trays to be served before leaving. They were all dressed in the same light blue, knitted look, short sleeved shirt and shorts. It was a horrible uniform.

As she queued, Lyra and Pan scanned the already sitting table for any sign of Will. Shock stabbed through her heart and her hands trembled, almost tilting off all the food just put on her tray.

Roger.

Why was he here?

Their eyes met, Roger's widening and his mouth falling ajar. Lyra quickly sat at a table nearby, sending Pan to talk to Salcilia. She didn't want others to find out they already knew each other, not yet.

"What're you doing here?" Pan hissed to Salcilia, turning into a moth to inconspicuously sit on a table leg.

Salcilia joined him as a fly, quietly buzzing back. "We were kidnapped right after you left. They shoved us on a plane then we ended up here with lots of other children... This place is strange, Pan, they take people away and they never come back."

Pan's wings trembled, a shudder running down Lyra's spine. She tried to ignore it and shoved mashed potatoes into her mouth, as if her mind wasn't being used at all.

"We know, we found one of them." Pan shook slightly at the thought of Tony, alone and daemonless. "We need to get out of here soon... Will and Kirjava are here too, we can all figure it out together."

"As well?" Salcilia buzzed panickedly. "How did you all end up here?"

"It's a long story. Right now we need to pretend not to know each other till we can figure out a natural time to talk. Then we need to figure out what's going on here, and how to get out."

Salcilia buzzed her agreement and Pan fluttered off the table leg, landing on lyra's arm and turning into a rat. He scurried up onto her shoulder and burrowed into her still damp hair. He pressed his furry face against her neck, easing the tension she held in her body somewhat.

She let her mind drift as she finished up her food, trying to figure out how they could get out of here. Wherever they were was in the middle of nowhere, obvious from the short bit of the journey she'd been conscious for, so it would be difficult to escape. It was clearly much further North, so even in March the nights would be below freezing. They wouldn't make it far.

Her eyes fluttered closed as she tried to think, thoughts slipping in and out of her mind before she could grasp them. She wasn't quite awake, but she wasn't asleep either, falling into a half lucid state where nothing quite existed.

"Lyra!"

Lyra jerked out of her half awake state, blinking exhausted eyes at Will as he finally appeared and sat next to him. Kirjava touched noses with a sleepy pan, tilting her head in concern.

Lyra felt unnaturally tired, as if her entire body was made of lead. It was difficult to keep her eyes open and to concentrate on anything, voices becoming a background buzz in her mind. Pan curled around her neck as an ermine, comfortably settling down.

"Hey, Lyra, are you alright?" Will shook her shoulder to get her attention. It seemed he'd been talking to her.

"Just real tired," Lyra yawned, trying to push it away. "E'nt nothing bad... M'glad your okay, we was worried. 'n call me Lizzie."

"No one heard," Will reassured her.

Kirjava sniffed the untouched food in front of Will, then the milk he'd been handed that no one else seemed to have. She wrinkled her pink nose at it, fangs flashing. "The milk’s drugged."

"No wonder 'm so tired," Lyra mumbled. "You gotta drink it too, or they'll be suspicious..."

Will shared a look with Kirjava, who nodded, saying, "it seems to just be a sleeping drug."

The awake part of Lyra's brain understood why Will wouldn't want to drink it. She also hated it, losing control of her body which normally didn't fail her. Depending on other people was something she feared the most, and being this vulnerable… She hated it.

But they couldn't raise suspicions yet. If they did, there was a risk their daemons would be torn away.

"What if they do something to you?" Will hissed. "We can't both be drugged."

"I'll be fine, tis late anyway, dont-"

"Lizzie," Sister Clara had approached out of nowhere, leaning down to smile at her. It was devoid of any emotion, like a doll's smiling space. Lyra shuddered through the heaviness of her whole body. "It's bed time for your age group, come along now. I'll take you to the dormitory."

Oh, right, she was pretending to be two years younger than she actually was. Will and Roger probably weren't.

She didn't have the energy to argue, mumbling goodnight to Will and letting herself be escorted. There was a row of beds in the dormitory room, children's faces looking curiously, but Lyra barely registered them as her head hit the pillow and she fell asleep right away.

-

Lyra was shaken awake.

It was difficult to open her eyes, they were so heavy, as if weights were attached to her eyelids and keeping them down. Pan sleepily grumbled beside her and she could feel his fur press up against her cheek.

"Wake up! Wake up!"

It was more than one person. It was a struggle, but Lyra forced herself awake.

In the dim light of the blinking light above her door Lyra saw three girls grouped around her bed. She squinted her eyes to try and focus on them. They seemed a little younger than her, probably twelve or thirteen.

"She's awake," a dark haired girl said.

"Must've given her sleeping pills." Another girl, tall and thin, frowned.

"What's your name?" The final girl, with a head of bright red hair, asked Lyra while leaning towards her.

"Lizzie," Lyra mumbled, slowly waking up. She sat up in bed. Her head throbbed painfully in protestation against every movement.

They introduced themselves quickly - the ginger girl was Annie, the dark haired Bella and the rake thin one Martha.

"Are there loads more kids coming?" Annie asked.

"Just me ‘n my cousin."

"Where'd they get you from then?"

"Dunno, nearby," Lyra shrugged. "What is this place?"

"They call it the station, I think," Annie replied. "They say it's the best place we could be but I don't think so. Best place I could be is back home with my ma. Bet she's worried sick."

"I ain't got a mum," Bella, rubbing the back of her neck. "At least here we got things, and get fed everyday."

"What do they do here?" Lyra tilted her head, trying to act the curious but slightly dull child. While these girls had clearly been kidnapped like her, that didn't mean she could just trust them. Her sleepiness made acting that way easy, anyway.

"Dunno," Annie shrugged. "They measure us and run tests and the like."

Measure what, Lyra thought but didn't ask. They clearly didn't know.

"They take us away too, one by one and nobody comes back. Dunno where they take ‘em. They say they're safe but I don't believe it."

"It ain't bad her though," Bella interjected. "There ain't much to do. They measure us and make us take tests and exercise. It's like a boarding school, really, incredibly boring."

"Except when she comes," Annie frowned.

"She?" Lyra shared a look with Pan. Whoever it was, she must be important - and knowing who she was would be helpful.

"Mrs Coulter. She's the one who got most of us and when she's around kids start disappearing."

Cold fear shuddered down Lyra's spine, Pan flapping his finch wings so sharply he caught the attention of the girls. Lyra quickly soothed him, trying to push down the nausea roiling in her gut. "He's just nervous, must've been the sleeping pills."

It was hard to ignore the fear she felt just at her name, the realisation that it was her mother behind this horribly cruel place. She knew that Marisa worked in something similar but opposed to her father, investigating shadow particles, but this? She didn't want to believe it, even though it was impossible to deny.

She knew her mother was capable of such cruelty, but it was difficult to accept.

Was this really the work she was proud of? That she'd left Lyra and Asriel for? Something so horrible?

"She likes watching the kids," Bella shuddered. "This boy Simon, he reckons they kill us and she watches. Cause nobody ever comes back."

"That's cause they're going to a nicer facility for older kids." Annie rolled her eyes.

"They ain't, there's no way."

"They kill us?" Lyra gasped, eyes going wide with fear. She knew what they actually did, and it was no better. If anything, death was kinder.

"They must do. Simon says and he knows everything around here."

"He don't," Annie scoffed. "I'll ask Mrs Coulter when she comes."

"You wouldn't. How'd you even do that?"

"It's easy, I just say I gotta talk to her. I ain't a coward like you."

"When's she coming?" Lyra interrupted, holding Pan close.

"Two days."

Lyra's throat constricted, breathing catching in her chest. She only had two days to discover whatever she could, and then escape? Even with Will and Roger to help it would be difficult. She had no idea where they were and how to get out of this place.

It seemed impossible.

But it wasn’t something she could solve right now, alone. She zoned out the other girls talking, snuggling back into bed. The sleeping pills effect still weighed down on her, dragging her off to sleep even though there were a million thoughts running through her head. Pan curled around neck, snuggling in under her chin.

It was best that they slept, so that they could face the difficult day they had ahead of them.

-

Lyra wasn't able to talk to Roger and Will until lunchtime the next day.

There wasn't an opportunity at breakfast, which was so short that they barely passed by each other, and the morning activities were separated by gender. They were taken to an activity room in the morning, with a large television, board games and a few shelves of books. The other girls were thrilled at this. It seemed normally they only went to this room in the afternoon, right at the end of the day, and the morning was for lessons. Only sometimes did they get into this room twice - and it seemed today was the day! For Lyra it was hardly exciting, but it did offer a better opportunity to talk to more people.

She figured out from talking to the other girls, both those who spoke English and French, that most of the children were like Roger - orphans or runaways, the kind of children that wouldn't be easily missed. Lyra and Will were a bit of an exception, a rare case of lone children found in the area and brought in. The rest were from all over Europe. Roger and Billy were the only ones from Oxford, but there were plenty from London and a few from other cities. Then there were kids from France, Germany, Belgium, and even more from countries like Serbia, Hungary and Latvia.

Not enough from one location to make the police suspicious, and all the kind of children that it would be assumed they left of their own free will. It was incredibly intelligent, gathering so many children without it ever reaching the news.

Her mother was written all over it.

Outside help was unlikely, so they'd have to figure it out for themselves.

There were four of them round their little table, drawing little suspicion a day in. Will had gotten friendly with Roger and Billy last night, and Lyra was his cousin, so it only made sense for them to all eat together, right?

"Did you sleep well?" Will asked softly, arm brushing against Lyra's. It made her cheeks heat up slightly but most importantly brought her comfort. It had been difficult without Will the night before. He'd been her only stability through everything they'd gone through... Which was only worse now. "I slept way better than I should've, considering."

"We did drink sleeping pills," Lyra shrugged, smiling slightly. It wasn't her way too brood, anyway, she was too practical and optimistic. Instead they'd just have to find a way out of this situation, even with all the limitations. She turned to Roger and Billy. "Do they drug you every night?"

"Nah, just the first one." Roger stabbed a meatball viciously. "To make you compliant, I think. Or to stop kids crying too much. That still happens, though.""

"How long you been here?"

"A week. I got taken just after you left."

"Almost a month for me," Billy shuddered. "Ma must be so worried."

"Don't worry, we'll get you back to your ma," Lyra reassured him. "We need to know how this place is run to do that."

"You're planning to escape?" Roger’s eyes shone.

"Course. I e'nt Lyra Belacqua if I don't... Though I e'nt Lyra here, Lizzie only."

"Lizzie isn't that different from Lyra, just more common," Will pointed out, eyes curving upwards even as his lips stayed in a thin line. For a moment Lyra was enraptured, unable to look away from the way his eyes twinkled before turning serious again. "Lyra's right, though, we can't stay here. What they do to kids here it's... Cruel."

"You know what they do?" Roger looked between them raptly, Billy paying sharp attention too - but more fearfully.

"We do. We found someone who escaped, Tony-"

"I knew him!" Billy interrupted, eyes widening. "Tony were taken last week, just before Roger got here. I heard from a nurse that they take em further south."

That'd explain how Tony had been at that little town, at least half a day away travelling by car. There was no way he could have walked it in the state he was in. But a week? Lyra was surprised he'd survived that long.

"Yeah, we found him," Lyra continued in Will's place. "But he wasn't... Whole." Pan shivered under the table, pressing his small cat body against her legs. "He didn't have a Daemon. They'd cut it away."

Roger and Billy blanched, their daemons letting out squeaks of horror that Pan quickly shushed. It was horrible, Pan still shaken by it, but they couldn't draw attention to themselves.

"So that's what they're doing," Roger whispered. "They en’t killing us but they're taking our daemons away."

"Yeah," Lyra shared a look with Will, suppressing a shudder. Pan crawled up her leg and onto her shoulder, turning into a squirrel to nuzzle into her cheek.

"What happened to Tony?"

"He died." Will clenched his fist around his knife, and for a moment Lyra was worried he'd stab the table. "We couldn't help him."

"I'm sure you did what you could," Roger adapted quickly, dredges of fear still in his eyes but moving forward just like Lyra did. She'd always known he was as brave as she was. "You're right, we gotta get outta. But how? They got an army on watch all times, and we can't even take on adults without guns."

"I dunno but we only got a day to get outta here, so we gotta think of something fast," Lyra lowered her voice. "Cause the day after tomorrow my- my mother is coming. She runs this place."

Pan turned into a hawk on her shoulder, tense with talons digging into her skin. The thought of seeing the golden monkey in this place has disgust seizing every fibre of him.

Will blanched, Kirjava flickering to a panther before quickly changing back to a smaller shape. His stare was so intense that Lyra had to look away, towards Roger who just looked concerned.

"Eh, Ly- Lizzie, you got a ma?" Billy asked.

"Yeah. Wish I didn't. She e'nt like your Ma, Billy, she's cruel and manipulative. Don't be fooled by her, she seems so nice, but she e'nt. I heard she lured a bunch of the children herself."

"Yeah, I heard that too," Roger frowned. "That a beautiful lady with a golden monkey Daemon offered them hot chocolate and a better place to stay. I didn't know it was your ma, though."

"It'd explain why she'd never tell me about her work." Though she was sure Marisa would be able to spin it in a way that sounded good, hiding all the horrendous cruelties under sugar coated words. How else would she get this place running anyway? "She can't find me here."

"Why not? E'nt it a good thing cause she'll take you away... Then you can get us help," Billy tilted his head.

"She'd stop me going back to my dad," Lyra shook her head, trembling fingers clutching the soft material of her shorts. The thought of seeing Marisa in a place where Asriel wasn't a call away shot terror into her heart. "Then I couldn't help at all."

"We'll get out before then," Will reassured her, determination blazing fiercely in her eyes. Lyra wasn't sure she'd ever seen him so worked up, apart from maybe the time someone talked bad about his mum. Will had been seething then, dark eyes intense in a way far too strong for his age. Now she was seeing it again, but for her. Her heart fluttered in her chest, the fear shared by her and Pan soothed slightly. Pan turned back into a squirrel, demurely resting against Lyra's neck. "Anyone got any ideas?"

He looked at Billy and Roger, who'd been there longer than them. Billy shook his head.

"It e'nt an idea, but I found a hiding place." Roger subtly jerked his head towards the wall behind them. "See that picture."

Lyra twisted her head towards the horribly tacky tropical beach picture pasted across the wall, eyes narrowing.

"Look at the top right. See that ceiling panel?" The ceiling was made up of large rectangular panels set in a metal framework. The corner of the panel above the picture was lifted slightly. Instantly, ideas started sparking in Lyra's mind. "I seen that and thought others might be like it, so I lifted em and they're all loose. Just push em up easy. Me and this boy tried it in our dormitory one night, before they took him away. There's a space up there you can crawl inside."

"How far?" Lyra asked, leaning towards Roger. If there was a way to get out without using the normal corridors... A way unseen.

"Dunno. We just went a little in, but it narrowed. I bet you could fit, Lyra, but I barely could... And Will certainly couldn't. It'd be good to hide in, I bet, when the time comes but they'd probably find us real easy."

Lyra looked at Will, silently watching, with his long limbs and wide shoulders, and frowned. He was at least a head taller than her. If Roger could barely fit there was no way Will could. So it wasn't a way to get everyone out... But it could still be used.

It was like a highway designed just for her. After spending her formative years scrambling over Jordans roofs, crawling through the roof space would be easy for her.

"Alright, it e'nt a way out, but I can use it."

"Is that really a good idea, Lyra?" Will frowned. "What if you get caught?"

"I won't. I'll use it at night, no one will know."

"Let's think about it a bit more. Don't be reckless."

"But we e'nt got time! If my mother comes and finds me-"

"She won't. We'll figure out a way to hide you if it comes to it, just don't do anything stupid, okay? We need to plan a way out together, otherwise it won't work."

Lyra stuck out her lower lip at that. Sure, she'd been planning to go into the ceiling that night with little concern for the consequences - but what could happen? And she might find out something useful!

"I agree with Will," Roger chimed in. She glared at him. Traitor! He'd always taken her side before he met Will.

"Look, let's just think about it and plan a bit."

"Alright," Lyra acquiesced, mostly at Pan's insistence - who was agreeing with Will in her ear. They could go tomorrow evening, when they'd had more time to figure out how they'd get so many children out of here and survive with them in the wilderness. "I'll wait a day."

She'd be able to hide from Marisa for a day if she needed to, but anymore than that... Was too much of a risk. Hopefully they could get away before she even arrived, even if they had to look around in a slower way. Now that she knew about the vents she'd make sure to use them, because it would be the easiest way to listen in on their conversations, and find a way out.

She'd just have to wait a bit longer than she would have done alone, because Will insisted - and she trusted Will.

-

Will was away during their afternoon break, something Lyra tried not to worry about. This took away her excuse to talk to Roger and Billy too, because what kind of twelve year old girl would hang out with her cousin’s new friends?

Or any boys, for that matter. It seemed the girls and boys kept fairly separate, only a few of the older kids mixing. It was strange to Lyra who'd never really understood the whole ignoring the opposite gender thing, and now her actual age group was mostly out of it anyway.

All she could do was sit at the table next to him, sending Pan to talk to Salcilia as a fly on the wall next to their table.

They talked about plans, quiet buzzes heard by only them and their humans. It was difficult to engage in something when your Daemon's attention was elsewhere, leaving Lyra unable to talk to the girls she was sitting with - half of her thoughts were with Pan's hushed conversation so she barely paid attention to them.

Not until a dark haired girl mentioned Tony.

Lyra's attention snapped towards her, Pan and Salcilia’s whispers slowing down as their human's attention shifted. This could be important.

"No, I know why they took him," she said quietly.

"Why're they so interested in daemons?" Lyra asked. Of course she knew why, vaguely - from what Asriel had told her. She also knew what they did. But it was important to figure out how much the other children knew. Maybe they could figure out how. Why and what wasn't important cause it didn't help them stop it.

"No one knows," the girl shrugged.

"I do!" said a boy near Roger, swivelling in his chair to lean over to the girls table. "You see, they kill your Daemon then see if you die."

"How come they keep doing it?" An older girl snorted. "They'd only need to do it once, with one kid, to figure that out."

"I know what they do," the first girl said, more firmly.

Everyone's attention turned to her, rapt and eager, even though they all pretended it wasn't. Lyra was impressed by how well adapted the kids were - just like her they could pretend to be careless and indifferent, as if they weren't hanging on to every word said. She didn't need to worry about anyone giving it away to the staff. She could keep pushing if she had to... Though that didn't seem necessary either.

After all, you couldn't put a group of children together without them talking - and managing to do it without getting caught.

"How?"

"Cause I was with him when they came for him, in the linen room." She blushed, but nobody commented or teased her because they had to appear subdued - and perhaps they were, that normal things didn't seem important anymore. "We was keeping quiet then the nurse came in, the soft spoken one, and she told Tony she knew he was there and that they wouldn't hurt him. Tony asked what they were gonna do, and she said they'd put him to sleep and do a little operation, then he'd wake up safe and sound. Tony didn't believe her, he-"

"They kill your Daemon! I know it!"

"Shut up," someone else silenced the interrupter with a glare. "What else did the nurse say?"

"Tony wanted to know what they did to ratter. She said she goes to sleep, just like you. Tony thought she was gonna kill her but she said, no of course not. It's just a little operation. A little cut. It won't even hurt."

Silence fell on the children, all watching with wide eyed horror. Dread stirred in Lyra's chest, though she wasn't as fearful as them. She could cope with it, as horrible as it was.

"What sort of cut?" Asked a boy, trembling.

"Something to make you more grownup. It's why adult’s daemons don't change like ours."

"What-"

"No way, I wasn't taught that-"

"Does that mean-"

"I don't believe it, they're lying-"

Suddenly, everyone stopped.

Sister Clara stood in the door, blank eyed and calm, with Doctor Cooper.

"Bridget McGinn."

The dark haired girl paled, dark eyes going wide and lips parting slightly. Her squirrel Daemon trembled in her arms.

"Bridget McGinn!"

She stood up, trembling.

"Ah, there you are. Come with me now, Bridget."

None of the other kids would look at her, only Lyra. Fear was painted across Bridget's face.

Lyra couldn't do anything but watch as the girl, just a bit older than her, walked away to a fate worse than death.

-

Now Lyra knew a little bit more about how they did it, that it was an operation while sedated, but it still wasn't enough. None of the kids that went to get it done ever came back, who knew if it was even done in this building. She still needed more information - and a way out that wasn't just brute force.

Unfortunately she was taken for testing after the afternoon break.

It was just her, a nurse and a doctor she hadn't seen before. He was much taller than Doctor Cooper, and less stern looking, with warm brown skin and almost kind dark eyes.

Lyra didn't fall for it, of course. He was a cruel person ripping children's daemons away from them.

"Now..." He looked down at his tablet. "Lizzie. We're going to take some measurements."

"I was measured yesterday."

"That was just basic measurements, these are a bit more sophisticated. Stand on that metal plate- shoes off first- hold your Daemon if you'd like. Now look forward, that's it..."

Something flashed. Lyra couldn't see where it came from, and it felt a little like the one time she'd gone to an optician and they'd taken pictures of her eyes - except it was her whole body. She was curious about what they were measuring. Shadow particles? Were they taking photos like Asriel had and using something to look at shadow particles in it? It was a much fancier machine than what her dad had, so there must be something more to it.

Maybe it just looked fancy. It was amazing what funding could do. Still, she much preferred Asriel's small lab room filled with clutter. And he'd photographed shadows years ago, even with his much less expensive equipment.

He didn't use it to cut children away from their daemons either.

"Now, turn to the left."

Lyra turned, and asked, "what're you measuring?"

"Just a few vitals, nothing much."

"Is it to do with my Daemon? Is it cause there's something wrong with him?

"Now why would you think that? Nothing of the sort... Now come over to this machine and put your hand into the tube. Make a fist, very good..."

Pan prowled around the apparatus as a wild cat, fur spiked and suspicious eyes darting all over it. He came back to rub against Lyra's legs continually.

The doctor didn't seem to be paying Pan much mind, or her for that matter outside of the tests. She felt confident enough to push more.

"Why do you cut people's daemons away?"

The doctor froze. "What? Who told you that?"

"This girl, dunno. She says you cut people's daemons away to make ‘em more obedient."

"Nonsense."

"Well you take people away one by one and they never come back... Some kids think you kill em, other think different, this girl-"

"It's not true at all," the doctor cut her off, agitation coating his face. His moths daemons wings twitched. "We don't do anything of the sort, this is a philosophical establishment, not a child chop House. What was the girl's name?"

"Dunno, I only met her yesterday," Lyra replied demurely, hanging her head and scuffing her toes against the ground. "Then what happens to the children that leave this place?"

"They go to a place for more grown up children, of course."

Yeah, right. The lie was so obvious that even Roger wouldn't fall for it. But Lizzie would, so Lyra blinked innocently and forced her lower lip to tremble.

A blaring alarm interrupted what she was about to say, ringing in her ears on and on.

"Can we not fix this?!" The doctor waved his tablet agitatedly. Lyra flinched back, as if she was actually scared instead of incredibly excited.

Of course there was a fire alarm in this place, everywhere had a fire alarm... And if it went off regularly it was something they could use. Nobody would realise the fire alarm going off was out of place until it was too late, and they'd already gotten out. It was perfect, both as an escape means and a signal.

"Well, Lizzie, follow Sister Betty."

"But all their outdoor clothes are in the dorm room, doctor. She can't go outside like this."

"What a nuisance."

"When I came yesterday sister Clara put my clothes in a cupboard in that room where she looked at me... It's just next door, I think. I could wear them."

"Perfect," the nurse smiled, one so lacking in emotion Lyra had a hard time controlling her own expression.

Lyra was glad to pull on her own jumper and jacket, feeling the heavy weight of her backup phone in her coat pocket. It was still dead but maybe she could find a charger... Then she could get a message or something to Asriel. Anything.

They hurried out to the wide area in the front of the main group of buildings. Adults and children were milling about with little organisation. The children were forming messy rows at the instruction of adults, but they could barely keep them still. They had very little control of the situation even as they tried to do a roll call.

It was absolute chaos. If this happened every time someone was taken, why hadn't they gotten more organised?

She slipped into place between Will and Roger, so naturally it was as if she'd been there the whole time.

"Lizzie Brooks?"

"Here, miss!"

"You're safe," Will whispered, letting out a soft sigh of relief. Kirjava tapped her nose against Pan's, both turning into mountain hares and sitting in the snow. It was cold for Lyra, because her jacket wasn't made for this far north, but at least she didn't look as ridiculous as Will, Roger and Billy in their puffy oversuits. "When you didn't come with the rest of the girls I began to think-"

"I was getting tested," Lyra explained with a shrug. "Where were you this afternoon?"

"Also getting tested."

Lyra guessed that made sense, considering they were new... She really hoped the testing didn't show that they needed the operation sooner rather than later. Both of them, and Roger, were coming close to when their Daemon should settle. By this point almost half their year at school had.

Roger and Will would be more at risk than her too, both already fifteen and definitely not lying about their ages.

But there was no point worrying about that right now. She had to make the most of this opportunity, where they were all outside and the adults were distracted by the chaos.

She crouched down, bundling up the powdery snow into a loose snowball.

"Lyra, don't," Roger warned. "Those that make trouble don't last long."

"Good think we don't have to last long, then," Lyra shot back with a grin. "No one'll notice anyway. We can just tell em we got lost."

She threw it into the crowd, then another in quick succession. It only took a few before all the children were doing it, snowballs flying through the air along with excited cries and angry shouts from the adults. They could barely be heard.

"C'mon!" Lyra led the other three round a corner and out of sight. They found themselves in strange outdoor corridors, winding between buildings. They were all coated in white and silver, reflecting the bright lights of the area. The ground curved up where there were tunnels connecting the buildings, explaining why they never went outside.

"What're we looking for?" Billy asked.

"Anything unusual," Lyra frowned, looking around. "And maybe a phone charger... Any ideas?"

"I seen their break room before, I bet there's a phone charger in there," Billy said. "But it won't help with anything else."

"There's an area we’re not allowed to go to," Roger suggested. "If I were a guessing person, I'd guess that's where they're hiding everything important."

Lyra nodded, thinking quickly. Both were important... They'd have to split up. She glanced between the three boys with a furrowed brow. "Me n Roger'll check out the forbidden area. Will, can you go with Billy?"

"Yeah," Will nodded. "Stay safe. Don't do anything too dangerous."

"I won't. Pan and Roger would stop me anyway."

Pan chirped his agreement to that, scurrying up onto her shoulder and turning into an ermine. He hadn't taken the form recently, generally being more docile animals, and he'd missed it. Lyra appreciated the warmth of him curled around her neck.

Roger led the way to a metal gate, cutting off a route at the very edge of the facility. It was more detached than the rest of the place, with no tunnel connecting to the rest of the buildings.

Entry Strictly Forbidden was written on the front in bright red letters.

This must be it. This must be where they cut away children's daemons.

"Lyra, someone's coming!"

They jerked themselves back around the corner, pressing flush against a wall. The gate opened with a beep and a nurse walked out, pushing a trolly. Her Daemon primly followed her without looking elsewhere. Lyra let out a sigh of relief, grabbing Roger's hand and dragging him in before the gate closed. Beyond there was a dimly lit room.

Pan buried into her jacket, pressing himself flush against her chest. He hid there, trembling. His fear came off him in waves, constantly hitting Lyra.

Her eyes adjusted to the light, and she saw why.

Glass cages lined the walls, filled with daemons of the severed children. They look like ghosts, pale and cowering without any light in their eyes. Roger let out a gasp of horror.

Lyra held Pan closer to her, covering his eyes with her jacket. "Don't look."

It had been difficult to see Tony, but this was almost worse. There were so many, and not a human in sight. It was horrible.

She went down the aisles, reading out the names. There was Bridget's... And Tony's, with no Daemon inside. Lyra gulped down her nausea.

"This... This is what they do, isn't it?" Roger asked, his voice trembling. Salcilia was similarly hidden against him, trembling with fear. "They really do cut away our daemons. I didn't quite believe you before but now..."

"It's horrible," Lyra whispered. She reached out to hug Roger, pulling him close as a few tears spilled down his cheeks. She should've had him keep watch outside.

Lyra was strong enough to handle this, but very few others would be.

She wished there were some way to free all of these daemons, but there wasn't. They searched the rest of the building quickly but there were no signs of their humans, not even Bridget who'd been taken away just that afternoon - her Daemon already caged. The dull thud of his head against the glass echoed through the sinister room.

They really must take them further south, but they left their daemons here - how cruel. Already severed and also separated by miles and miles.

Lyra clutched Pan to her and vowed to put an end to this, somehow.

"Lyra, we gotta go back," Roger tugged her hand. "The alarms stopped and I bet they're organised now. Let's go."

They ran back to the main building, going unseen through the snow coated corridors. The kids were raggedly lining up to go back in now, but the adults still weren't paying enough attention - Lyra and Roger quickly slipped out and joined the line. They moved through the children, finding Will and Billy with some effort.

"Here," Will slipped a charger into her hand. She grinned and slipped it, and her phone, into the pocket of the clothes she'd been provided with. "I doubt you'll have signal here."

"It's worth a shot."

"Did you find anything useful?"

Lyra shuddered, sharing a look with Roger. "Sorta... We found their daemons. We gotta get out of here soon."

"How?"

"I'm not sure yet, but we can use the fire alarm. If-" Lyra stopped, noticing a nurse a little too close by for comfort. She lowered her voice. "Let's talk ‘bout it at dinner."

They all agreed - at dinner they'd reconvene and plan their escape.

-

They were separated again for the rest of the afternoon as Lyra expected, the boys going one way and the girls going into the same play room they'd been in that morning. The only adults in the room were two nurses, dully standing at the doors. They watched the children emotionlessly as they went into groups to play and chat.

It was the perfect time to charge her phone.

She managed to find a plug behind the TV and when the nurses weren't looking, which was frequent with so many children to watch, and plugged her phone in. She then shoved it up behind the TV, making sure it was hidden but wouldn't fall.

Easy.

She spent the rest of the afternoon watching dull television shows with a group of younger children (but around the age she was pretending to be), pretending to be excited along with them. Pan stayed as a moth on her shoulder, watching the nurses the whole time. They silently talked to each other throughout.

When the afternoon play time was over, she quickly grabbed her phone and slipped it in her pocket. She unplugged the charger and left it behind the TV - hopefully a nurse would just assume they'd left it there. Her phone would be charged enough by now, even though she couldn't risk checking it yet.

She followed the throng of children through to the cafeteria, locating Will, Roger and Billy while she got dinner.

"We'll use the fire alarm to escape," Lyra announced as she placed her dinner tray on the table. She slipped into the seat beside Roger, Pan jumping under the table and turning into a rabbit to greet the other daemons. "We prepare tomorrow, I go into the vents after bedtime, then we leave early morning before it's properly light."

"The fire alarm's a good idea," Will tilted his head. He looked tired now, as if he'd spent all afternoon thinking hard or doing something strenuous. Maybe the boys had played sports and he'd gotten too into it. "They were disorganised this afternoon so it'll be easy for the four of us to slip away."

"I want to take everyone with us."

"You can't be serious." Will's eyes narrowed, fixing Lyra with an intense stare. She didn't back down, fiercely glaring back at her. "Ly- Look, there's no way we can survive with that many others in the wild. It's best if we get back and report this place."

"But how many kids will be severed in that time? It'll take us so long... I won't let another one be cut, I refuse."

"It's not about allowing, it's about what's possible. We're... We're just kids too. It'll be difficult enough to save ourselves."

"Then I'll do it alone," Lyra scowled. Pan rubbed against her legs comfortingly, but she could feel that his mind was torn - a part of him agreed with Will, and didn't want them to argue. She didn't want to argue with him either but... But she couldn't let the cruelties of this place keep going. Maybe it wasn't realistic to think she could do anything, but she didn't care. She had to try. "You three escape alone, I'll be fine."

"Lyra," Will's voice dropped to a whisper, his dark eyes softening slightly. "I didn't mean it like that. We'll try, okay? I don't want to argue with you."

"I don't like arguing either," Lyra muttered, looking away. The practical part of her understood Will's point, but she couldn't accept it.

"We'll need a lot of supplies, then. And one of their phones to contact someone as soon as we’re out... The doctors must have phones with signal here, or other ways to communicate."

"They got phones," Billy said. "I seen them talking to their superiors, I think, when I was being taken for testing."

"I'll get that when I go into the vents tomorrow," Lyra said. "It'll be too dangerous otherwise."

"Alright." Will frowned. "Supplies are harder. We'll need a lot of food, and bags to carry it in."

"I can help with that," Roger said. "I been in the kitchen a few times, I know how to get in and out. We just gotta be careful."

"We'll do that then," Will nodded, before Lyra could say anything. She closed her already open lips, pursing them. Will just smiled at her. "You're already doing a lot. Let us do something, or we'll just be useless dead weight."

"I guess I can allow that," Lyra shrugged, trying to stop her lips from curving upwards. She failed and let out a quiet snort of laughter. "Could've gotten you to do all sorts when we're out as repayment."

"Yeah, which is exactly what I don't want," Will laughed. "You're way too demanding!"

"You'd make us do all your homework," Roger shuddered. "Bet you'd make me fetch your dinner too."

"Hey, I only did that once, when I was ill," Lyra rolled her eyes at him. She felt a bit lighter, dragging herself out of the annoyance she felt earlier. She couldn't stay annoyed at Will for long... And it was easy to fall back into old rhythms. "It wouldn't be that bad."

"I'll see it when I believe it," Will teased. "I can just picture you bossing us all around. You already-"

Will was cut off by a banging noise, and Sister Clara announcing over the hushed whispers that all under twelves had to go to their rooms.

Lyra scowled. She shouldn't have pretended to be so much younger... It protected her, sure, but they wouldn't be here long enough for that to mean anything. It didn't really help her being less noticeable, because her acting was doing all the work for that.

She was reluctant to go but she felt one of the nurse’s gaze fall onto her. Instantly her face turned to a neutral smile, letting out a fake yawn and standing up obediently. Warm fingers wrapped around her wrist and stopped her from walking away.

"Don't do anything reckless," Will murmured, concern shining in his eyes.

Lyra leaned down to pick up Pan, as if that was the reason she hadn't left yet. "I won't. Tonight."

"Don't worry, I won't let her do anything," Pan reassured him, puffing up his little chest.

Will smiled, eyes turning into crescent moons that Lyra felt she could lose herself in... But she couldn't, because she had to go before they got suspicious. She was even more reluctant now, strangely not wanting to lose the warmth of Will's hand around her wrist.

But she had to. He let go and she stepped back.

"Night," she waved to them all, faking another yawn. Rubbing her eyes she trailed after the other girls leaving, the stragglers, pretending to be so sleepy that she'd struggled to leave.

She silently got into bed, wrapping the duvets around her and waiting for the nurse to do the initial night checks. Pan curled up against her face as a rat, both closing their eyes and pretending to sleep. It was only when the sounds of soft, slow breathing filled their ears, the other girls either exhausted from the door or having cried themselves to sleep, that Lyra pulled out her phone.

It was charged 50% - good enough. She didn't have any signal, but she still went into an app Asriel had installed on her phone and turned on her location tracking. It was there in case she got lost, or kidnapped by her mother again - if she chose to turn it on Asriel could see where she was. Unlike Marisa he gave her the choice.

She shoved her phone in shorts pockets. She hoped that it got signal, even if it was just a single bar, and Asriel could see where she was.

Shifting on her side she closed her eyes, Pan burrowing under her clothes against her skin. They needed their energy for the big day ahead, so they could get away before Marisa arrived the day after.

-

It was in the early afternoon, when they were playing basketball in the small gym, that the whir of helicopter blades cut through the children's shouts.

Everyone froze where they were, ball thudding dully to the floor.

"Is it her?"

Annie got to the narrow window first. "It's her!"

Lyra followed the crowd of girls peering out of it, trying to catch a glimpse of the passengers in some vain hope that it wasn't exactly who she knew and dreaded it was.

The golden monkey was too distinctive to miss. Marisa strode beside him in all her elegant beauty, white fur coat far too extravagant for its surroundings. Just like her. She seemed out of place, greeting a grovelling scientist with a gracefully beautiful but fake smile. Lyra shuddered, Pan leapt up onto her arms as a hissing wildcat.

She was early.

Shit.

It was difficult for her to breath, clutching Pan close to her to feel his heart beating against her own. She'd tried to suppress the anxious trembles going through her body, from head to toe - all the way through to her soul, Pan trembling with her.

It struck more fear into her than even the thought of the intercision did. She'd experienced Marisa's cruelty first hand, had felt it and still felt it through wounds that would never be visible. She was so strong when it came to everything else, but not this. Everything else had a solution, some way to stop and fix it - even the barbaric atrocities here.

Her mother didn't.

Hushed whispers spread among the girls.

"That- that monkey Daemon."

"Did she get you too?"

"She hurt my Karossa... Nearly killed him, it hurt so much."

They were frightened just like she was - which gave her little comfort, but meant she didn't stand out. It was more normal to be scared.

"We have to stay quiet and inconspicuous," Pan whispered in her mind. He changed from a wildcat to a mouse, pushing down the disgust that had him wanting to turn into his fiercest form. "We can't get caught."

They couldn't. Lyra looked around for something to duck behind, finding nothing but the other children. They would have to do.

And if she was caught she would have to lie. Her mother would definitely use Asriel allowing Lyra to go on a trip where she'd gone missing against him. It was better if she'd been kidnapped, perhaps when they were in Oslo where it wasn't something that could've been prevented. Yes, that's what she'd go for.

Lyra quickly joined Annie and the others, hiding at the back of the group - covered by the taller members, but close enough to the door to see and hear. Voices echoed down the corridors, too muffled to make out any words.

Then Mrs Coulter herself was there, opening the door and looking in with a charming smile. Lyra ducked behind Bella, making herself look as small as possible and hiding her face with her unruly hair.

"My, how lovely it is to see you all having such a nice time. Have you been well in my absence?"

The sickly sweet voice sent shivers down Lyra's spine.

"Yes, Mrs Coulter."

Lyra joined the toneless crowd of voices with barely more than a whisper.

Mrs Coulter smiled, the warmth of it contrasting her cold and calculating gaze. "Well, that is lovely to hear. Keep up the good work, girls."

With that she left, following Doctor Cooper to her next location - hopefully far away from here.

Lyra let out the breath she'd been holding, Pan crawling out from her shirt and into her hands. She gently stroked him, comforting them both. She hadn't been caught this time... But that didn't mean she'd get by the next time.

All she wanted to do was crawl up into the vents and hide for the rest of the day, but she couldn't. It would be noticed immediately if she was missing, and the last thing she wanted was to draw attention to herself. That would be worse.

Tonight. Tonight she'd use the vents to figure out a way to escape, and what exactly they were doing. Until then she'd be as inconspicuous as possible.

-

Their afternoon snack break came, and with it Lyra's first opportunity to properly talk to the other children - along with seeing Will, Roger and Billy - after her mother had arrived.

She didn't go over to them immediately, because first she had to gather some information. There was nothing but concerned whispers from her group, but other girls might have heard something - especially if they were being tested. They were generally split by language spoken after gender, making it easier for the staff. Lyra sat at one of the tables of French speakers, a few of whom she'd become easy friends with on her first day.

As expected, they were talking in hushed voices about Marisa's arrival. Lyra listened for a while, getting nothing useful out of it, before interjecting at the right moment.

"If she's here, does that mean they're going to take more of us away?" Lyra asked the question pressing on her mind. Children always disappeared when Marisa appeared, and she wanted to try to prevent that if possible. "will they take someone soon?"

"It won't be today. It'll be tomorrow."

"Are you sure?"

"Certain," Marie, a French girl, replied. She was one of the older kids there, fourteen just like Lyra, and the leader among the French speaking group members. "Sylvia overheard a doctor say so. They thought she didn't understand English so spoke freely around her." Marie sneered. "Many of us know English, we just pretend not to."

Just like she pretended to only know English in front of the adults, when she could also speak French and a bit of Norwegian. It was a smart decision, because the staff tended to be more loose lipped when they didn't think the kids understood them.

Lyra hesitated, before lowering her voice to say, "can you keep a secret?"

"Of course." Marie's dark eyes twinkled with curiosity.

"There's a plan to escape. Me and my cousin got plans to get us all out of here and get help. We gotta leave before they take more kids away. We need everyone to get ready soon as they hear the signal. Grab your outdoor clothes and run out. Don't way about, just run."

"What signal?"

"The fire alarm. It's all organised, kids only. None of the adults know."

Hope, something sorely missing, shone in their eyes.

"Now, I best go talk to my cousin. Don't tell anyone else yet till I say to."

After getting their agreement Lyra got up, making her way towards Will's table. She'd gotten the information she needed from the first group, meaning she could have a decent conversation with the other three before this break was done.

"Were escaping in the morning," Lyra announced, quietly so others couldn't hear, as she sat down next to Will. Unexpected calm washed over her, soothing the agitated state both her and Pan had been in since seeing Marisa and the golden monkey. It was like a pause in the turbulence of her mind caused by Will’s presence. It was comforting. "We gotta start spreading the word now. I already told some of the girls."

"Cause she's here?" Roger asked.

"Yeah," Lyra frowned. "We gotta get out quick as possible, or it'll be for nothing. How's it going with supplies."

"Better than expected," Will answered. His brows were knitted and lips turned down slightly - not enough to be obviously worried, but Lyra could tell. She nudged her knee against his reassuringly. "Me and Roger were able to hide enough non-perishable food in the ceiling of our dorm for a few days. It's not ideal, but we don't have time to stockpile more. I thought your mum wasn't supposed to arrive until tomorrow?"

"That's what I thought too," Lyra made a face. "Guess I got wrong information, or she came early. Good thing she didn't look too hard when she came round... I e'nt seen her since."

"Neither. Perhaps she's too busy to pay attention to all the kids they have here."

Lyra hoped that was the case and that Marisa wouldn't bother looking in on them again. It made things much easier for her.

"Gotta say," Roger said. "That e'nt what I expected your mum to be like."

"What did you expect?"

"Dunno. Someone more like your dad, I guess. She's scary like him, but otherwise they e'nt alike at all."

"Dad e'nt scary like her at all," Lyra made a face at him. "He never did anything wrong to you. He shouted at me plenty and I e'nt scared of him, you're just a coward."

"And proud to be one. He just got this scary look, Lyra, like he's always so intimidating. I can't picture em together..."

Nor could Lyra, and she didn't want to. She too didn't understand what Asriel had ever seen in Marisa, and she didn't really understand how they'd gotten along. Marisa was so strict and concerned about her reputation whereas Asriel cared about very little outside of his work, especially appearances. It was strange to think about and left a bitter taste in her mouth.

"Well, this e'nt important right now. We gotta spread the word fast so everyone's ready for the morning. Roger, Billy, you've been here longest you should know loads of people."

It was easy to get them to agree, both Billy and Roger being followers more than leaders. They moved into other groups to start spreading the word, leaving Lyra and Will alone at their corner table.

"Are you doing alright?" Will asked her softly.

"I think so." Lyra shrugged. Pan crawled up into her lap, turning into a ermine and pressing his head into her hand. She ran her fingers down his soft body before continuing. "When I saw her, I felt so scared. It's stupid, right, cause I see her every month... But it doesn't get easier. It's even worse here cause there's so much wrong, but I think she's the worst of all."

"It isn't stupid." Will shook his head. He glanced around before putting an arm around her, pulling her into a light hug. It was brief, but comforting. "It's natural to be scared of someone who hurt you."

"I guess." Lyra clenched her fists in Pan’s fur.

"You know, when I saw her it took all my self control to not go up to her and punch her."

"You're joking."

"I'm not."

"He isn't," Kirjava purred.

"Seriously?" Warmth bloomed in Lyra's chest. She bumped her shoulder against Will, grinning up at him. "You've become so violent, that's not like you at all."

"Someone's been a bad influence," Will teased, lips curving up into a soft smile. He didn't look like someone who'd been threatening to beat up her mother just moments ago. "Are you going to be alright?"

"Yeah, don't worry," Lyra nodded. Pan hopped into her knees, nudging her elbow.

"We're not so weak this'll stop us," Pan chirped.

"I know you're not. Just, it's a lot to deal with. If I can help at all-"

"You already are," Lyra cut him off. "You are, Will. If you weren't here I'd be much more scared."

Before he could reply to that a nurse was calling everyone to tidy up and form queues to leave. Lyra bit her lip and stood up, Pan hopping off her leg and turning into a rabbit at her feet. She'd barely had enough time to talk to Will, but they had to do what they were told to not arouse any suspicion.

"Wait." Will stopped her before she could leave. Lyra tilted her head, bending down as if to pick up Pan so that he didn't have to speak too loudly. "I don't think you need to go into the ceiling. Thanks to the fire drill we know how disorganised they are, and have a solid plan to get out. It's too dangerous."

So many arguments swirled in Lyra's head, but she didn't have time to voice any of them. She knew Will's way was safer, and he was just concerned. She didn't want to worry him more than she had to. He'd already done enough, when at the end of the day they'd ended up here because of her - and it was her mother running this place. She couldn't just leave it be.

Will's gaze was intense, and she could tell he wouldn't budge on this.

"Alright."

She'd think about it, at least.

-

In the end, Lyra couldn't do what Will had suggested.

Even if they escaped, they'd all be replaced with another group of children. It would slow them down but to Lyra that wasn't enough. She needed to destroy this place, or at least find enough incriminating evidence to get it shut down.

"I know you're going to disagree," she whispered to Pan as they prepared for bed. He tilted his head up at her, curled up as a house cat on her pillow. "But we gotta go up there. Will thinks we got enough, but we don't."

"I think so too," Pan replied quietly, batting her hand with a rough paw. "We can't let them do this to anyone else."

Lyra was surprised that he agreed so readily. Normally when it was something reckless he'd challenge in a way only her soul could. They'd argue over it, then come to an agreement - or Lyra would go ahead with it anyway. It was rare for them to be as one so easily.

Perhaps to others their relationship seemed contentious, but Lyra wouldn't have it any other way. A Pan who just went along with her wouldn't be the same Pan she loved so dearly.

"We gotta tell the other girls then." She looked around all the girls, brushing their teeth and chatting in hushed whispers. There was a hushed excitement, a buzz of hope that they hadn't had before. Lyra had already spread the word about the escape but she'd have to let them into her confidence more if she was going to do this.

"Do they ever come round to check if we're asleep?" Lyra asked the small group of girls she'd gotten quite friendly with.

"Once or twice," Bella replied. "They just flash a torch round, don't really look."

Good. "I'm going to go have a look around. There's this way through the ceiling this boy showed me-"

"I'll come with you!" Annie interrupted.

"You better not. It'll be easier if just one person is missing, then you can all pretend you dunno what's happening."

"But if I came with you-"

"We'd be caught, more likely."

Pan fluffed up his fur as a wild cat, facing off Annie's Daemon Kyrillion - currently an amber eyed fox. He bared his teeth and uttered a low, harsh hiss. Kyrillion turned away as if nothing had happened, licking his paw.

"Alright," Annie backed down easily.

It was easier for Pan to settle this than Lyra. They were still young enough to settle fights with their daemons - just normally Lyra didn't have to cause she was so persuasive. But it was faster. She'd had confidence Pan would get them to back down.

"Where do they talk?"

"Probably the conference room," said Annie as she helped Lyra pad her bed with clothing. "We were taken there once. One of the doctors was giving a lecture and he made me do all sorts of things. I bet that's where they talk. It's behind the front office."

Lyra nodded. She clambered onto a locker and pushed up the ceiling panel - just like Roger had said it dislodged easily. She pulled herself through.

"Don't tell anyone," she hissed to the three girls below. "Pretend you didn't know."

If she was caught, which she really wanted to avoid, she didn't want anyone else implicated. It was dangerous enough here already.

She found herself in a narrow metal channel, with slightly translucent ceiling panels below it. Light flickering up through them - enough for Lyra to see a few feet in front of her. It was enough to use. It was a maze of metal pipes and ducts, one she could easily get lost in if she wasn't careful. She'd have to be careful to keep to the metal channel, otherwise she'd fall through the panels.

A challenge, but one she could do.

"This way," Pan whispered as they both got their bearings. He fluttered in front of her as a moth, not wanting to risk more weight on the metal - and more chance of sound.

They set off in the direction of the conference room. It was more difficult than she expected. She had to crawl through, her head brushing the ceiling above her. Her knees ached and her hands were scratched up from the metal, its sharp edges slicing through her skin. Her muscles ached as if she's ran a marathon, pain throbbing from her hands and knees. It was so different from running across the roofs, so cramped and confined. Somes she even had to pull herself under pipes, fingers curling around the sharp metal to drag herself through.

At least she could tell which rooms were empty or not thanks to the panels darkening. She stopped a few times above those with lights, taking a break as she strained to listen to the voices below. It was nothing interesting - cooks and nurses talking about their days.

Eventually she came to the area where the conference room should be. There was an area free of pipework, with air conditioning and heating ducts leading down to one end. She pressed her ear against the panel, hearing the murmur of adult voices from below.

Perfect.

She slowly inched closer, Pan carefully directing her, until she was as close as she could get. Then she lay along the metal, ear pressed against it. It was uncomfortable and cramped but finally she could properly hear them - four voices, it seemed. There were the two doctors she'd already seen and her mother.

Pan trembled beside her at the lyrical sound of Marisa's voice, turning into a moth to control himself. Lyra felt it too, her gut twisting, but she suppressed it. She had to be as silent as possible so she wasn’t caught.

"It was quite a mess, from what the nurses told me. Are you planning to fix that?"

"Of course. We've got plans in place to ensure that the children are kept under control the next time there's a fire alarm."

"Very good. Understand I'm not doing this out of malice, only concern. We wouldn't want a child to slip away, would we?" Lyra could picture Marisa's smile, sickly sweet and oh so fake. Just her melodic voice was grating against Lyra's skin, like phantom claws raking at her and Pan. "Well, enough about that. Tell me about the new separator."

Fear shot through Lyra, but she also felt anticipation - this was what she needed to hear. As carefully as possible she pulled out her phone, turning on a recording app. She pushed it back into her pocket, not wanting to risk leaving it. The audio quality wouldn't be great either way, but something was better than nothing.

"Ah, there's a real advance," Doctor Cooper said. "You remember initially that simply tearing was the only option. It was quite distressing for the adult operators and the risk of death was quite high. Then we were able to use anaesthesia to reduce operative shock to below five percent. That was quite the improvement in itself."

"And the new instrument?" Mrs Coulter asked.

"Well that is quite something. We're investigating what happens when the child is conscious during intercision, so of course the previous process doesn't work. We've developed a kind of guillotine, I suppose, with two mesh compartments for the child and Daemon. It's as simple as bringing down the blade. It's made of manganese and titanium, just like you suggested. It's astounding how well it works. Now the child can be awake during and after, with little risk of death."

Blood pounded in Lyra's ears, her breath catching in her throat. It was difficult to suppress the trembles threatening to shake through her body. Pan pressed against her as an ermine, whispering, "it's ok, Lyra, they won't do it, we won't let them."

She carefully pulled him against her, his warmth against her skin a slight comfort in the face of all they were saying.

"And what of their responsiveness?"

"They're getting more responsive," Dr Cooper said after a pause. "They clearly react, unlike earlier children, and can follow simple instructions."

"An exciting development. I was quite concerned when it was taking so long to develop another method, even with my designs. It seems you've made good progress."

“With the new equipment, everything is possible. Soon they’ll be as responsive as a normal child, I’m sure.”

"That they will… though I heard that Asriel Belacqua is working on similar technology, and was able to isolate shadow particles with a similar alloy," another doctor, who's voice Lyra didn't recognise, said. "He isn't a threat to us, is he?"

"He isn't," Marisa laughed lightly, a delicate and beautiful thing that had Pan's hair standing on end. It was the way she laughed when irritated. "He has no interest in the morality of it, he's just playing around. It's a shame that we think so similarly, but he isn't competition."

Lyra strained to listen. How did they know about her dad's research? She barely knew about this stuff... He'd mentioned the metals, but not that he could isolate shadows! Perhaps because it was just a stepping stone to his greater goal, whereas it was the perfect tool for these people.

Both her mother and father had come up with the same thing... But the way they were using it was so different.

"Enough about him, he's unimportant. I want to see a demonstration of the new device. Tomorrow, of course, I'm quite tired now. I'd like to see all the children, too."

"Consider it done."

"Perfect. Then I'm off to bed. I hope everything runs smoothly tomorrow."

There were polite good night's and the shuffling of chairs, then a door slamming shut. The others sat down again and continued talking - more hushed, forcing Lyra to strain to hear them.

"What is Asriel up to?"

"It's hard to tell, his work is very private. It was difficult to find out the little we know... I think he has a very different idea of what shadow particles are. Besides, wants to experiment-"

"With shadow particles?"

"Sh, not too loud."

"Well, he's not important. I'm more concerned about her. She seemed displeased."

"No, no, I think you dealt with her well."

"Her attitude worries me."

"Not scientific enough, I assume?"

"Yes. It's her personal interest in it. It's rather morbid. Do you remember the first experiments? She was so keen to tear them apart-"

An involuntary cry escaped Lyra's lips, her foot jerking out and hitting the supporting frame.

No, no-

"What was that?"

"In the ceiling! Quick!"

Feet thudded in her ears, a table scraping across the ground. She tried to back away, desperately on her hands and knees, but it was impossible. Her heart beat wildly in her chest, panic consuming her as she scrambled backwards.

The ceiling panel beside her was shoved up. She came face to face with one of the doctors, his startled expression lasting only a moment before he thrust an arm in and grabbed her arm in a vice grip. His fingers dug into her flesh, burning her, and her terror turned to wild fury.

"It's a child!"

Lyra bit down on his hand, tearing at it as viciously as she could. Pan was a hissing wildcat, but there wasn't enough space for him to help, and through the pain the doctor was pulling her out. He was too strong. Her grip on the frame loosened and she tumbled out, his blood still on her lips.

Quick as she could, Lyra hooked her legs around the sharp metal, struggling upside down. Her knees trembled in protest but held as she did everything she could to keep them away - biting, scratching and punching. Fury surged through her, consuming her until all she could see was red. Pained grunts echoed in her ears but it wasn't enough, they were still pulling her, trying to get her- to hurt her-

Everything went still, Lyra's body going limp.

One of the doctors was holding Pan.

It was like a cold hand gripping around her heart, squeezing it callously. She couldn't breath, every fibre of her screaming against the foreign touch, desperately reaching for Pan even as her arms were constrained. Pan's terror and disgust clutched them. He writhed in the horrible hands, scratching and biting at them to no avail. His ears were pulled back, his body limp and weak, but still he fought.

It was wrong, everything felt wrong. They felt trapped, in body and soul, nausea roiling in Lyra's stomach. She couldn't stand it.

She reached towards him with both hands, and he arched towards her, but she was constrained now too.

Lyra could feel the hands on Pan, crawling across her skin, a foreign touch invading her soul. It wasn't allowed, it was taboo, it was horrible-

Her vision swam and all she could see was Pan, poor Pan, disgust and horror roiling off his dull fur, Lyra's stomach clenching- it was wrong.

"Was she on her own?"

Doctor Cooper, the only one with hands free, peered into the space. "Seems so."

"Who is she?"

"One of the new children. Came with her cousin."

"You don't suppose she-"

"Should we tell-"

"Absolutely not," Doctor Cooper cut across the other doctors' panicked babble. "Let's keep our lips sealed."

"Agreed," said the doctor that had tested her, the one holding Pan in his horrible hands. "Better she doesn't learn of this. But what do we do? She can't go back with the other children."

"There's only one thing we can do, it seems."

"Now?"

"Well we can't leave it until the morning, can we? She wants to watch. No, best to do it by ourselves now. Otherwise she'll talk. The shock will prevent that and she won't even remember who she is, nevermind what she saw. It'll solve things quite nicely. Come on."

She couldn't say a word, her breath trapped in her throat as they were carried through the station. They went past the dormitories where the other children slept peacefully, still whole with their daemons, sharing their dreams in blissful ignorance. Lyra's eyes never left Pan, and his never left her - constantly reaching out for her.

They were dragged into a dazzling room of brightly lit stainless steel and sterile white walls. Large metal cabins were set behind heavy metal doors, with a blade shining almost like a rainbow hanging above them. They didn't even bother to hide what it was - a caged guillotine. Her and Pan’s terror was so intense it felt as if her entire body was burning, and she was aware every moment of hateful hands grasping Pan.

"Let go of us!" Lyra yelled with what little breath she had left, finding her voice and struggling against the strong arms carrying her towards a fate worse than death.

Lyra's struggling gave Pan the strength to free himself from those vile hands, flickering to an eagle that tore at their flesh with great talons, then a wolf, a bear, a snow leopard- snarling and slashing at them. He changed so quickly only Lyra knew what he was, continually fighting, avoiding those grasping hands that would dare touch him again. Their daemons pounced on him, intent on pinning him down.

Lyra fought too, kneeing the man holding her in the stomach, biting deep into his hand until he was forced to let go. She shot towards Pantalaimon and he leapt into her arms faster than light, their hearts beating wildly together, his sharp leopard claws digging into her skin. It hurt so much, but it was a good pain, one she cherished- one she never wanted to not feel.

"Stay away!" She curled her pitifully small body around him as he turned into a wildcat, backing onto the corner. "Never, never, never! You can't!"

But she was no match for two adult men, and Pan was no match for three adult daemons. She was so small, so weak - barely a teenager and terror clutched her. They tore them apart, throwing them kicking and screaming into two metal boxes.

A mesh barrier separated them. Pan crashed into it, again and again, desperately trying to reach her. They were still one, he was still part of her, still her soul.

"Lyra, I don't want to leave you!"

"Let go of us!" Lyra screamed, tears spilling down her cheeks. She punched the metal door until her fists were bloody, looking out the slit window at the hateful doctors. "Let go of us, let go of us!"

The two men were going to close the metal doors now, separating her from the main room and where Dr Cooper was standing behind a glass panel. A humming sounded above her screams and she could see the silver blade rising slowly.

Panic swelled in her breast, one hand reaching through the mesh for Pan, while she yelled with all her might. "Mrs Coulter won't want this! Let me out!"

"Lyra, do something!" Pan pressed against her, but they couldn't reach each other, and that blade was inching up until it was primed to cut down.

"Close the doors," Doctor Cooper said, voice bland as if this was merely a routine. "We don't want to destroy the electrical system, do we?"

"But she knows Mrs Cooper," the doctor who had touched Pan hesitated. The blade hung in stasis, just like Lyra's heart in her chest.

"Close the doors. Now."

She wouldn't give up, Pan was too precious, she wouldn't let him be torn away from her.

"I am the daughter of Mrs Coulter and she. Won't. Want. This!" Lyra screamed with all her breath, slamming her fist into the metal door over and over again, blood trickling down her knuckles. "Let me go! She wouldn't allow it!"

The sliding doors to the main room opened with a hiss, faint click of heels echoing above the cacophony.

"What's going on here? Who is that-"

"Mrs Coulter! Mrs Coulter! Marisa!"

Lyra choked on fear, desperation to be noticed clutching her. She screamed with all her might and slammed into the door. She couldn't let this happen, she'd do anything, Pan was everything to her-

"Mother! Mother! MOTHER!"

"-Lyra," Marisa gasped, colour draining from her face and horror coating her once beautiful appearance. She tottered forwards, grasping at the controls before slamming down the clutch that had been just moments away from sending a guillotine down to cut away Lyra's life. "LYRA!"

It was like the facade had cracked, Lyra's name ripped from Marisa's lips as a choked cry filled with raw, honest fear. The golden monkey pulled Pan out of the cage, Lyra half falling out herself.

Pan scrambled away from the monkey, jumping into Lyra's arms. She clutched him to her, legs buckling underneath her.

"Never." She pressed her face into his fur, feeling his heartbeat against hers in perfect tandem. She held him so tight that he could never be torn from her, she'd never allow it, he'd rather die than have him ripped away again. He pressed back against her as if trying to become one with her, as if they could merge into one.

She was dimly aware of Marisa talking, but she couldn't really hear any of it. All she could see and hear was Pan, all her feelings were just for him and his for her. They clung together as an arm wrapped around her waist, Marisa half carrying her along a corridor.

Suddenly she was gently laid on a bed, in a room filled with the scent of Marisa perfume. Still she held Pan so tight, muscles trembling from exertion. Her slowly leaking blood stained his snow white fur but he didn't care, pressing back against her.

She didn't even have the mind to shake off the gentle hand pressing against her brow.

"Oh, darling Lyra, my love," a soft, sweet voice pushed through the static in Lyra's ears. "How did you get here?"

She could answer, and Marisa didn't expect her to, it seemed. Instead she could hear her making herself busy, kettle whistling and dishes clattering. Soft music was playing from a nearby speaker, quiet and probably meant to be soothing. Slowly Lyra became more aware of everything around her, even as tremors uncontrollably seized her body. Pan slipped inside her shirt, pressing against her bare skin, their love for each other passing back and forth between their connection. Their hearts slowly slowed, each moment spent pressed against each other bringing further away from the horror and disgust still coating them.

She was safe from the blade, for now.

"Here, darling, drink this." Marisa slipped a gentle arm around Lyra's back, who didn't struggle as she was lifted into a sitting position. "Chamomile tea. It'll make you feel better."

Lyra stiffened, everything in her screaming to throw the drink away. Pan nuzzled against her skin, telling her that they had to play along, they had to stay safe.

She looked over at Marisa with tired eyes, and all of a sudden tears were spilling down her cheeks again. It was like a flood she couldn't stop, one that had shame flooding her chest. She hated crying, she didn't want her mother to see her like this, so weak- sobs caught in her throat and she choked them down, lips pressed tightly together.

"Oh, darling, cry all you want," Marisa murmured. The drink was handed to the golden monkey and gentle hands stroked her hair, wiping away her tears. Lyra forced them down, suppressed sobs shaking through her whole body. "I'm here for you."

Pan gently licked her, helping her get through it, before carefully crawling over to the drink to sniff it.

It was safe. Infusion of chamomile just like she'd said. She took it, the warm steam helping bring back her senses, and took a sip. It was bitter, but not drugged just like Pan thought.

"Lyra, darling, you have no idea how worried I am to find you here. I'm glad, too, that I came in time." Marisa sat down on the bed beside her, gently stroking Lyra's hair. "I was surprised by what you said in there. Does that mean you're ready to accept me?"

How awful of her to ask when Lyra was at her weakest, remnants of fear still swirling in her chest. But even like this Lyra knew her heart, and was as stubborn as always - she would never accept Marisa as her mother. Never. But she would lie, quite easily. There was a comfort in doing something she was used to. "Yeah."

"You have no idea how happy I am to hear that, my love," Marisa smiled softly, cupping Lyra's cheek. Lyra forced herself to lean into it with a weak smile. "Now, dear, why don't you tell me how you got here? Last I knew you were safely in Oxford."

"We was on a school trip to Norway," Lyra began, mind working quickly to come up with a feasible story. She didn't want to mention Will, because if Marisa knew she'd come with someone... She didn't want to think about it. This place was dangerous, but Marisa was worse. "We was in Oslo a couple of days and went to these museums, by the sea I think. Me n Pan went to the water and he was playing in it. Then suddenly these men came outta nowhere and snatched me onto their boat."

"Oh, darling, that sounds horrible."

"Yeah. We tried to get away but they tied us up. We was transferred to a bigger boat and went up the river... I dunno how long we was there. When we docked up North I managed to convince them to let me out for a bit, for some fresh air, and we managed to get away by running into the forest and hiding up a tree. We spent days tryna find a town. I foraged for food and made shelter to stay in, while Pan figured out the right route. We got to a road and waved down the first people we seen... But they was these big men with wolf daemons and a white van. Before I could run away they grabbed me and stuffed me in the back, then I ended up here."

As they talked Marisa meticulously treated Lyra's wounds, wiping the blood off her knuckles and cleaning it with great care. Gauze was put over her scraped up knees and her knuckles were wrapped up in soft white bandages. Marisa made sympathetic noises every now and then, but allowed Lyra to talk otherwise.

"That must have been terrifying, darling," Marisa finished bandaging her knuckles, thumb caressing Lyra's wrist. "The fault doesn't lie with you, but with the teachers who neglected their duty to keep you safe. If I'd been asked, I wouldn't have allowed you to go on such a dangerous trip."

Lyra barely resisted rolling her eyes. Dangerous? The only thing dangerous about it was Marisa's band of child kidnappers, who took children from all over Europe. Norway was hardly less safe... Except that Marisa hadn't known she was there. Dread pooled in lyra's stomach.

She would never have been taken from Oxford, because Marisa wouldn't have allowed it. Why was Roger taken, then? It couldn't be...

Pan trembled against her skin and she shoved down the thought, schooling the ugly expression that began to mar her face.

"It was scarier here than out there," Lyra shook her head. "They was going to cut me- Cut Pan out of me."

"Because they didn't know who you were," Marisa gently shushed her, fingers curling around her cheek. "I saved you. You're safe now, my dear. They won't ever do it to you, not now that they know who you are. You'll never be in danger again. No one's going to harm you, Lyra darling, no one will ever hurt you. I promise you."

"But why? Why were they doing that?"

"Ah, my love, you see-"

"It's because of shadow particles, isn't it?"

"Did Asriel tell you about them, Lyra?"

Lyra gritted her teeth. There was no point hiding it now - and anyway, Marisa already knew about Asriel's research somewhat. Lyra had overheard that much. "It's cause it doesn't settle on kids, e'nt it? Cause you think it's-" Lyra stopped, eyes widening. It all clicked into place. "That's what you want to do... Preserve our sinless souls, preventing our daemons from settling. You think it's sin... But it e'nt. It's not sin at all. It's sentient thought, and without it we'd have no freedom!"

"Asriel has been filling your head with a lot of ridiculous ideas, hasn't he?"

"He hasn't! You're-"

"Shadow particles aren't a good thing, Lyra," Marisa cut her off, eyes flashing dangerously. Her nails dug into Lyra’s cheek as a warning. Her expression was still so soft and gentle, as if she truly cared. "Asriel has been lying to you because he has such nonsensical, heretical ideas. He's dangerous, but we can't prevent his research. What I can do is prevent him from infecting you with such dreadful ideas. Shadow particles aren't conscious thought. Asriel has no proof of that. If they were, why don't they settle on children? Do children not have any free will? Think about it, darling. You have some of the most unique and individual thoughts, yet shadow particles don’t flock to you as they do much duller adults. How does that work?"

Lyra could sense how much Marisa hated it, the fact that Lyra thought so freely and willfully. It was what had led Lyra to push against Marisa. She was too stubborn, too free willed, to be moulded. Even her arguments were persuasive but lacking in actual discussion. She didn’t want Lyra to answer, not like Asriel did when they talked about all sorts of science. Marisa just wanted to persuade, and for Lyra to obediently listen and agree to her faulty logic.

"But you know what children have that we adults don't? Innocence. Grownups are their daemons are so deeply infected that it's too late for them. But all it takes for children is a quick operation, and you'll never be troubled again. You're safe and happy, this is for a better future, a better life-"

Lyra felt like she was going to be sick. Thinking of Tony, crying out for his daemon... She hated the thought. "A life without Pan isn't a life I want. He's part of me."

"When you're young your daemons are wonderful companions and friends. But during puberty, something you'll be going through very soon darling, they begin to bring all kinds of troublesome thoughts and feelings. That's what let's shadow particles, sin, in. And, Lyra, my love, we wouldn't take Pan away! It's just a little cut, then everything's peaceful. Your Daemon stays with you, he's just not connected. Like... A wonderful pet. The best you could have. Wouldn't you like that?"

Hatred seared through Lyra at the very thought. Even if she didn't know everything she did, that the daemons were caged and children devoid of life, she would have hated it. Pan was her soul, her life companion, someone she couldn't bear to live without. To have him reduced to a pet? She couldn't stand the idea. He was so much more than that. Pan turned into a hissing wildcat in her arms, teeth bared and eyes filled with fury.

"Then you should've let them do it!" Lyra's facade slipped, bitter words spilling from her lips. "If it's so good why'd you make them stop? You should've let them do it. You should've been glad."

Thankfully, Marisa only seemed taken aback but not angry. Perhaps she saw it as a reaction from the shock of it all, allowing Lyra to lash out a little. The monkey seemed calm, at least, even as Marisa gave her a sad smile.

"Darling, every breakthrough in the field of science relies on the sacrifice of a few for the many. Once we've fixed any issues this will change the world. But until we have, that equipment is not suitable for you."

"But others? They do it to other children, not just me!"

"I'll make sure that any friends of yours aren't harmed."

"But that's not enough!" Lyra seethed, struggling to hold herself back. "You can't do this! It's pointless, you're just sacrificing people to make the rest of us obedient and thoughtless! It's not-"

"Lyra, you need to understand that I have taken in this extraordinarily hard task for the good of all. I understand it doesn't seem that way, that all you can see is the harm it does, but it will free all children from sin. This is what I can give to the world, and I am sorry if me being who I am has done you damage. One day, you'll see everything I've done for you." There were tears in her eyes too, threatening to spill down that perfect cheek - fake tears, so obviously fake yet they still tugged at Lyra's heart. She hated it. "I'm sorry if I ever did you harm."

They held their tongues, Lyra holding Pan tight against her. It stopped her from shuddering everytime Marisa caressed her. It was so difficult to resist both the hatred inside of them and the want to give into it, to believe the tears and words her mother said. She couldn’t.

"Drink up your tea," Marisa said softly, with a weak smile that sent chills down Lyra's spine. She wiped away the tears in her eyes. "It's a lot to take in, I understand. But this is all for the best, my love."

"This is why you'd never tell me about your work."

"It is." Marisa looked away as if she was truly upset. "You can understand, can't you, darling. Your father's work sounds so grand, and he's so good at convincing others that it's the right thing to do. Mine is much more complicated and hard to explain. See how much it took for you to understand?"

She understood what it was now, but she disagreed with it to the very marrow of her bones.

And unlike what her mother believed, she hadn't just been swept up by her father's grand ideas. When she was younger, perhaps, but she was old enough to have her own opinion and ideas. Asriel had hurt her too, so many times, so she didn't just blindly trust him.

But he wasn't killing children, or ripping their daemons away.

"Well, what should we do now? I can take you back to your dorm, or you can stay here with me?"

"I'd like that." She wanted nothing more than to get away from her mother, but in the end that would put her right back to where they started. They wouldn't be able to escape at all now Marisa knew they were here. They were only safe, or as safe as possible, if Marisa believed they were compliant. Lyra had gotten all too good at pretending to be just that.

"You would?" Marisa gasped, eyelashes fluttering. She cupped Lyra's cheek with a joyful smile. Lyra leaned into it and smiled back. "You've had quite the traumatic experience, my dear. Why don't we watch something together to calm you down? Then we can go to sleep... We can make up a bed for you, or you could share my bed, if you'd like?"

Lyra's skin crawled at the idea, but she smiled sweetly. "I'd love to. I've always wanted to sleep with a parent."

"Oh," Marisa's eyes shone with tears. "Of course, darling, let's do that then. I'll get you a clean set of pyjamas. Get changed out of those old things, I'll get you something nicer."

Lyra gulped, sharing a look with Pan. Her hand slipped in her pocket, curling around the phone sitting there unused - but possibly sharing her location.

"Something the matter, dear? What is it you have in there?"

The golden monkey perched on the end of the bed, tail swinging and dark eyes boring into Lyra. She let out a shaky breath.

"Just my phone."

"Oh, that's all? Don't worry, I won't take it away from you. Why don't you give it to me for safe keeping just now? It's not healthy to be on your phone this late."

Lyra had no choice but to hand it over. It functioned the same whether it was with her or not, and had a password on it. It should be fine... Assuming it had any signal anyway.

Marisa called someone quickly, and in moments a nurse came round with a clean set of pyjamas. Lyra washed up and got changed into them, thankful to be out of her sweat soaked and dirty ones.

"Much better," Marisa smiled from where she now lounged on the large double bed, in her own silk pyjamas. "Come, sit down."

Lyra forced herself to climb onto the bed, sitting beside Marisa. The golden monkey approached Pan, reaching out with a clawed finger to stroke the top of his head. Pan sealed himself, disgusted, and allowed him. At the same time Lyra allowed Marisa to put an arm around her, pulling her down against her side.

They both felt sick. Pan crawled into Lyra's pyjamas, curling up against her chest.

"Now, Lyra darling, does Asriel know that you're here?"

"Don't think so," Lyra shook her head, even though she desperately hoped that he did. "I e'nt had signal since I got kidnapped."

"Of course." Marisa twirled a lock of Lyra's hair, just brushed, around her manicured finger. "I'll call him tomorrow, I'm sure he's worried sick and delighted that you've been found."

It was a lie. There was no way she'd let Asriel know. If Lyra didn't do anything she'd end up stuck with her mother forever. The thought sent her spiralling in panic, Pan pressing against her to try and keep her calm.

They had to keep pretending. Then, when Marisa and her monkey were asleep later, they'd get away.

"Let's watch something then, then it's time to sleep. I'm sure you're as exhausted as I am." Marisa put on another romantic comedy, which once again neither of them enjoyed but both pretended to. It wasn't as bad as normal for Lyra, who didn't have the energy to concentrate on something actually interesting anyway. She got a small amount of entertainment out of it, and an opportunity to switch her mind off for a moment.

Once that was done, it was finally time for sleep.

"Goodnight, my love," Marisa whispered softly, pressing a kiss to Lyra's forehead. She caressed the crown of her head before moving to her side of the bed. "Sweet dreams."

Lyra was exhausted, but she couldn't. She wouldn't have been able to even if she wanted to. Everything in her was screaming that she was in danger, her mind in a state of high alert. Pan was a rat on the pillow beside her, nose twitching and black eyes fixed on the monkey at the end of the bed.

It wasn't hard for them to pretend to be asleep. Lyra had years of practice fooling whoever Asriel hired to check on her, letting them think she was asleep before sneaking out into the late hours of the night. She closed her eyes and slowed her breathing, shifting around a few times until she was in a messy position. Pan stretched out beside her.

Every moment she was aware of the other body beside her, the dip in the bed every time Marisa moved. She hated the closeness, the risk of rolling over and being right next to her - of opening her eyes and seeing her mother's face when she woke up.

But that wouldn't happen.

She waited, until Marisa soft breaths filled the air and a slight amount of light began to filter through the window. She calculated it must be the early hours of the morning now. Pan uncurled from a tight ball beside her, nudging into her cheek.

It was time.

Carefully, Lyra rolled towards the edge of the bed. Pan turned into a moth and silently flapped after her, landing on her shoulder and changing again into a hawk. Lyra crept across the room, edging her way towards the door they'd come through.

A ferocious screech ripped through the air.

Lyra whipped around, terror striking through her heart at the sight of the monkey - wide awake with teeth bared. Marisa sat up groggily, rubbing her eyes and narrowing them.

"What are you doing up, Lyra? It's too early, come back to bed."

He was never asleep, Pan panicked to her, wings flapping and smacking into her face. He was awake the whole time even when she was asleep!

"Lyra." There was a warning edge to those soft, dulcet tones. "Come to bed."

This was her only chance. She couldn't lie and pretend she was going to the bathroom because the monkey knew. He'd watched her sneak towards the door. If she went back she'd be trapped, but if she didn't the monkey would get Pan and-

No. Marisa was still waking up. She had a chance.

Pan leapt from her shoulder, turning into a wolverine and landed on the monkey. He dug his teeth into the monkey's shoulder, pinning him to the ground. Marisa fell back to the bed with a pained gasp, pinned there just as her Daemon was. The monkey fought back but Pan had the upper hand, scratching and biting him with all the fury they'd held back. He didn't let the monkey get away, shifting into a snow leopard and chomping down on his neck.

It was exhilarating, and it was terrifying, blood rushing to Lyra's head as Pan slammed the monkey into the ground again and again. They deserved it for everything they'd done to Lyra, to Pan, to all the poor children with their daemons taken away-

Marisa was slowly, painfully, forcing herself up onto her elbows. Her teeth gritted with exertion as she pulled up into a sitting position, fingers gripping the back of the bed so hard they turned wide.

Lyra was horrified. She could never do that if Pan was being hurt like that, she wouldn't be able to bear it, she hadn't been able to-

They had to get out.

Lyra snapped out of her violent revery, sprinting out the door with Pan hot on her heels. She slammed it shut and grabbed the nearby fire extinguisher, slamming it against the locking mechanism as hard as she could. She hit it again and again until she heard it break, and even then she couldn't stop, adrenaline and hatred pumping through her veins.

"Lyra, stop, we gotta go!" Pan shouted, digging his claws into her sock covered feet. "Sound the fire alarm!"

He sprinted down the corridor and Lyra followed, smashing the glass round the corner with her fist. She didn't care that the shards dug into her already damaged skin, only caring that a blaring alarm rang in her ears.

"This way!" Pan led the way to the dormitory. People were coming out of their rooms now, looking around for the fire, children running for their snowsuits in panic and excitement. Lyra shoved her way through them towards her dorm, eyes flickering between the children she slipped past.

"Roger!" She saw him easily, pulling on his thick clothes and calming the younger boys around him.

"Lyra!" Roger’s worried expression turned to joy. "We was worried, we heard you was gone. One of the girls snuck round to tell us!"

"I'm fine! We gotta get out, now!" She looked around frantically. "Where's Will?"

"He was worried bout you so he used the alarm to try find you. I bet he went towards where they take the kids..."

"I have to go get him, then! It'll be too dangerous if he bumps into my- into her."

"How'd you get away?"

"E'nt the time to explain," Lyra shook her head. She grasped the side of Roger's arms, staring into his eyes with an unwavering, confident gaze. "Roger, you gotta get those daemons. You gotta free them."

"But how. They ent got humans anymore... How will I get them to come?"

"You'll manage! I'll meet you outside, get Billy and the others from your dorm to grab the supplies... I gotta go get Will now."

She squeezed his arms before tearing off in the other direction, away from the exit and towards the intercision chamber. Everything in her screamed to stay away, each step feeling like knives were stabbing into her feet, panic filling her lungs. Just hours ago she'd been dragged down here kicking and screaming, another human holding Pan- No. It wasn't like that.

This time she was going there to destroy it.

"Lyra! Lyra, stop!"

She skidded to a halt near the kitchens, breathing slowing down and relief settling over her. "Will!"

Before she could say anything he pulled her in for a hug, arms wrapping tightly around her. It was similar to how she'd held Pan after he'd almost been cut from her, Will's arms trembling with exertion. As if he didn't want to let go for fear she'd disappear.

Something strange sparked in her chest.

"When I heard you weren't back I thought... I thought you were gone." Will pulled back but didn't let go, hands curled around her shoulders. He looked down at her with a mixture of relief and fear, a storm swirling in his deep eyes. "I thought they'd cut you."

"They didn't," Lyra shook her head fiercely. "I got away... But now I gotta destroy this place, Will-"

"You mean they tried?" Will's voice lowered, his eyes narrowing and lips twisting down.

"They didn't succeed! I'm fine, we're fine, but if we don't get out of here we won't be! I have to destroy it... I know where it is and how to."

"I'll come with you."

"No," Lyra disagreed immediately. Pan bared his teeth at her side, staring down Kirjava. It would be a deadlock, they both knew, because neither could beat the other. And Lyra wanted Will to come with her... But she couldn't give in to something so selfish. "You got to lead the other kids. I sent Roger to free the daemons and no one but you can do it. They won't know what to do if you don't, Will, please."

Will fixed her with a scrutinising stare. "Alright. But if you take too long I'm coming back in."

"I won't. I don't want to be in there longer than I have to be."

Reluctantly Will let go of her. She wanted to hug him again, for comfort, but there wasn't the time. Her mother would have found a way out by now, she was sure of it. She needed to destroy the intercision chamber and get all the kids away before she could regain control.

The intercision chamber was nearby, thankfully. She pushed down the torrent of emotions crashing into her, suppressing it. This place couldn't hurt her.

"They said leaving the metal doors open would fritz the electrical system," Pan chirped, hopping onto the control and pecking at the lever Marisa had used to stop the blade. Lyra followed him, taking a firm hold of it.

"Let's do that, then." With one last look at the blade, gleaming with an sinister, iridescent beauty, Lyra slammed down the lever. With a hum it pulled up, slowly reaching the top. Lyra watched, shudder running down her spine.

"Lyra! It's going to blow!"

Pan grabbed hold of her jacket, wings flapping desperately. She snapped out of it, fleeing the room. Loud creaks followed her, exploding outwards with an intense force. She ducked around the corridor and covered her ears.

It wasn't enough to block out the explosion, ripping through the entire facility.

"We gotta go, now," Pan was an arctic fox now, tugging at her with his teeth. "They'll find us here!"

Lyra knew he was right. She couldn't afford to rest.

She sprinted down the corridors, making her way up and out of the underground section. She scrambled along the wide avenues, between large stone walls.

Distant gunshots rang in her ears. Lyra froze, heart speeding up. They weren't shooting the fleeing children, were they? Surely not.

She skidded to a halt as she turned around the corner and almost ran right into one of the guards. He shouted at her in sharp, unrecognisable Norwegian dialect. His wolf Daemon bared her teeth and Pan. Lyra started backtracking but he was faster. A strong arm wrapped around her waist and hoisted her into the air.

"Let me go!" Lyra started kicking and screaming, struggling in his grip. She bit down on his shoulder, but couldn't get through his thick furs. She screamed as loud as she could, as if there was anyone to help her. She couldn't get taken back to her mother, no, she wouldn't allow it-

The guards grunted, and Lyra fell to the floor. She scrambled away, chest heaving and heart thudding in her ears. She fended off the other hands, different hands, trying to grab her now. Pan snarled at her side as a wolverine, fur bristled and ears pinned back. She kicked at the man that had lifted her to her feet. She wouldn't let them take her, she refused-

"Lyra! Lyra, calm down!"

"Ma Costa? What're you doing here?" Lyra stopped struggling, and the authoritative man holding her shoulders let go. She glared up at him. "Who're you?"

"John Faa." He chuckled, looking over her head at Ma Costa. "She's just as feisty as you described. Fierce, like her father."

"You know my dad?"

"Very well," John Faa replied, with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Then-"

"No time to talk now," Ma Costa cut in between them, taking Lyra's arm. "This way, Lyra, come on."

Lyra let her lead her through the corridors, relief hitting her in waves. She was safe. People had come to rescue them. She didn't know how or why they were here, but she didn't care. It didn't really matter.

"Lyra, get against the wall!"

Ma Costa threw herself in front of Lyra, holding up a pistol. They'd reached an open area, the sounds of fighting echoing down the corridors out of it. The guards grappled with the intruders, daemons ferociously tearing at each other. Blood soaked the light coating of snow on the ground.

Lyra gaped, her stomach churning.

There were too many station guards, too little rescuers. They were losing.

"Get her, get the girl!" Over the chaotic racket Lyra heard the grating sound of Mrs Cooper's shout, pointing towards where she pressed against the wall. "She's the one we want!"

Two large men, with slathering wolf daemons, lurched towards her. Ma Costa was caught in a fight with another, her falcon Daemon swooping and ducking, and John Faa was out of sight. She was alone. Pan turned into a wolverine, bearing his teeth.

BANG.

The man reaching for her fell to the ground, blood dripping down his forehead. Lyra let out a choked scream, stumbling back and falling onto the floor. There were more gunshots now, more voices, and suddenly the rescuers had a greater number. Lyra backed away from the twitching body of the man killed just in front of her, grabbing Pan and clutching him to her chest.

She felt hands pulling her back to her feet, Ma Costa asking if she was ok. She nodded numbly. She was fine, she really was, it had just shocked her. After everything she'd seen... A man who'd wanted to capture her, to take her back to her mother, dying in front of her was nothing.

If anything, it was relief of being saved that had sucked all the adrenaline out of her.

Her gaze flickered around the opening. There were only a few guards left. Recognition sparked in her eyes as a young man stabbed the last one - Tony Costa! He was here too? She continued looking, Pan and her peering past Ma Costa to get a better look.

Everything went quiet around them.

"Dad," Lyra gasped, Pan trembling in her arms.

Asriel kicked aside a guard's body, slinging a rifle across his shoulder. He looked more worn than when she'd last seen him, beard longer and shaggier. He had a rugged look to him, with a thick coat over a padded utility vest. Stelmaria prowled at his side, tail flicking and teeth bared. She paused, saying something to him. Then they both looked over.

Lyra's heart caught in her throat, tears pricking her eyes.

"Dad!" Lyra shoved away the people near her, running towards Asriel and leaping at him. He dropped his gun just in time to catch her with a pained grunt. "Dad, dad, dad, you're here!"

"Yes, I am." Asriel patted her back. He supported her easily, as if she wasn’t nearly fully grown, and let her hug against him. She burrowed her face into chest, his familiar smell pushing away the dredges of fear still clinging to her like a parasite. "Come on, get down, you're too big for this."

"I e'nt!" Lyra retorted, but she still unwrapped her legs from around him and let him put her down on the ground. His hand didn't leave the small of her back, a comforting sensation that confirmed that this was real. He was here. Her dad was really here. "How did you get here? Where did you find these people? You got a gun!"

"I'll explain later." He turned to John Faa and barked out an order. "Secure the children, keep them safe here. Send teams to sweep the rest of the building for any we missed. Capture any adults." Then he turned back to Lyra. "Do you have any idea how many more children there might be?"

"Bout thirty more I think," Lyra glanced at the group already gathered. She couldn't see anyone from her dorm, or Will. He must've done what she said and led them towards the exit. "Will was taking em all to a way out, where we went during the fire drill. He'll be waiting for me. It's that way." She pointed in the direction of the dining room, where they'd all been evacuated from before. It was their agreed upon escape route, close to the dorms and well known by everyone.

Asriel gave a sharp nod. "Change of plans then. I'll lead a team that way."

Ma Costa went over to the group of children that had been cowering against the wall. Asriel strode towards John Faa, and Lyra followed right behind him - sticking as close as she could.

"Stay here, Lyra." Asriel pushed her towards the group, Stelmaria uttering a soft growl when Pan trailed after her.

"But-"

"I won't be long," Asriel ruffled her hair with a gloved hand, and Stelmaria nudged Pans head. "You don't want Will to freeze to death while waiting, do you?"

Lyra bit her lip, then nodded. She knew the sooner they found all the children and arrested the adults the sooner she'd get home. But she hadn't seen him in what felt like a lifetime, and she'd missed him more than she wanted to admit.

She watched him leave with two other men before trudging over to the other children. It was mostly boys she didn't recognise, and a couple of girls mixed in she'd seen but never talked to. She stood to the side and shivered, Pan wrapping around her neck as a fluffy ferret. It was cold now that she was outside, her gloves and hat lost somewhere in the facility. She stuffed her hands in pans fur to keep warm, and zoned out.

Light footsteps dragged her out of it and her head snapped towards them.

Roger, with a stream of pale daemons following behind him. They teetered and stumbled their way alone and Salcilia had to pause every few moments to nudge one forward. Exhaustion coated his face, and tears shone in his eyes, but he'd done it. There were two men with him, their daemons also helping the severed ones.

"Roger!" Lyra ran towards him. The adults around her were letting out pained gasps, their daemons pushing forward to comfort the poor lost souls.

"Lyra! These men came and they was-"

"I know." Lyra paused before pulling Roger into a tight hug. "I'm glad you're safe. When I heard gunshots I was so worried."

"It wasn't anywhere near me, don't worry," Roger hugged her back. "Who're these people? I can't believe people really came to rescue us."

"I dunno, but my dad's with them. Ma Costa and Tony too."

Rogers jaw slackened, eyes widening with shock. "Where's he gone now?"

"To get Will."

They didn't have to wait long, Will appearing with a large group of children following behind him. Lyra spotted Annie at the front with him, leading the girls, and Marie at the rear.

"You did it," Will looked from Roger to the daemons, protected by adults now, with a pained wince. Kirjava twined around his legs. Lyra forgot he hadn't seen them before... It was horrible to ever see, but the first time. "You too, Lyra. I heard the explosion."

"That was you?" Roger shook his head in disbelief. "I thought it was the rescuers."

"It was me destroying the... Machine they used to cut daemons. They won't be able to do it again." Not easily, at least. Lyra turned to Will. "What happened to my dad?"

"He went to help the others," Will tilted his head, giving her a slight smile that wasn't able to hide his harried face. "You abandoning us now that he's here?"

"I e'nt," Lyra shoved Will lightly. "Was just worried."

They were too tired to keep talking, just standing in a comfortable silence. Lyra kept an eye on the four corridors leading here at all times - spotting another group coming in, with Billy Costa a part of it. He ran straight into his mum's arms, then Tony's, tears streaming down all their faces.

Two of the doctors had been brought as well, hands bound and shoved to the side furthest away from the children. It was gratifying to see them like that. Pan hissed in her arms at the sight of the one that had held him, disgust sparking off his fur.

"It's ok," Lyra whispered to him, pressing her lips into his fur. "They can't hurt us now."

Finally, Asriel came back with the last of his team - Doctor Cooper in tow.

There was no sign of her mother.

Lyra hung back, watching Asriel give out orders and talk to the other adults. John Faa and two other men pulled up the doctors, marching them down a corridor. Then Ma Costa, along with an older, kindly-faced man were urging the children on the way to the exit.

Finally, finally, Asriel came over to her.

"We best go check on the other children," Will said knowingly. Roger was quick to agree, understanding in his eyes, and they hurried off after the larger group.

Lyra and Pan were grateful. It wasn't that she didn't want to be with Will and Roger, after everything they'd been through she trusted them more than anyone... But she'd missed her father so much. Will had understood immediately. She bet he missed his parents too.

"What happened to you?" Asriel glanced up and down Lyra, seeming to properly look at her now that everything was sorted. Lyra tried to hide her hands behind her back but Asriel was too fast, grabbing her wrist and bringing it close to his face. Blood was lightly seeping through the bandages wrapped around her knuckles, the wounds opened again, and there were scrapes all along her arms. Asriel's lips pulled back into a snarl, his eyes flashing with fury. "Who did this?"

"I- I did," Lyra tried not to cower under the weight of his harsh gaze. She was so tired, exhausted to her bones, and she didn't have the energy to fight anymore. His anger wasn't directed at her, but that didn't mean she felt it any less. "Sort of. Some of it happened while I was crawling through the roof space, some when I was tryna get away..."

"Lyra," Asriel's voice lowered, Stelmaria's teeth bared. "Did they try to cut you?"

"She stopped them. My mother."

"She did?" Asriel paused, lips parting slightly.

"Didn't want me damaged."

"Hm, that I can see. I suppose she cares in her own twisted way." Asriel sneered. At the same time he took her hands, carefully inspecting them. Stelmaria was looking over Pan, nudging through his fur and grooming his face. Warmth spread between them both, as if Stelmaria was licking away the invisible but very present wounds Pan held. "You put up a good fight, I suppose?"

"Yeah. I think I bit a finger off. Pan was amazing too, he changed so fast."

"Good girl." Asriel ruffled her hair. Lyra collapsed into his side, pressing close against him. After a pause Asriel wrapped his arm around her, letting her stay there. It brought her the comfort she so desperately needed, a sense of stability. He was so warm, and she slotted perfectly against his side. Lyra would be happy if she didn't grow anymore, just so that she could continue to hug her dad like this. "I'll never let them do that to you... Or any other children again. You're safe now."

"I know." She did. She knew that Asriel hated what happened to her just as much as she did. He loved Stelmaria, just like Lyra loved Pan. He wasn't like Marisa, who's safety came with strings attached.

She finally, properly, let herself relax as he led her away from the shell of her mother's twisted creation.

-

Lyra slept the whole way to Oslo.

She was shook awake by Asriel, then startled into full awakeness when he threatened to carry her in front of everyone.

"I was awake," she grumbled, trailing after him off the train. "I would've gotten up."

"Your eyes were closed," Asriel snorted.

"Yeah, to conserve energy."

Asriel fixed her with a disbelieving look, powering on ahead to discuss things with John Faa.

Most of the children were taken elsewhere now that they reached the city, to the authorities or whoever would handle getting them to their parents. It was just Asriel, Will, Roger and the Costas left, heading to the airport. Another train, just much shorter this time.

She ended up sitting beside Asriel, at a table with Roger and Will. Roger fell asleep right away, heading drooping and Salcilia curled around his neck, and Asriel went off to find the food carriage.

It was just her and Will. There was so much she wanted to say to him, but she also didn't know where to start. It was the same with Asriel - she'd barely told him what she'd been through yet. At least Will understood most of it but...

"It's going to be strange," Will said quietly, breaking the silence. "Going back home. It feels like a lifetime ago when I was there. So much has happened."

"Yeah. We've been through so much... Not just the station, but everything before that. I dunno if anyone will understand. Roger, a bit, but..."

"I don't think anyone can. But we have each other, at least."

"We do... I'm glad we're out. It still doesn't feel real. I keep waiting for something to happen."

"It's real. We're safe, I promise."

Lyra knew that, because she was here on a train with her dad and two closest friends rather than trapped in a horrible facility with her mother. It was just hard to get over the lingering fear. Pan refused to stray far from her, and she didn't want him to, because they'd almost been torn apart. She needed to feel him, properly against her skin, to feel secure. Just sensing him through their bond wasn't enough.

It was difficult to vocalise. She didn't know if she wanted to, either.

"Here." A bright green, red and yellow object was dangled in front of Lyra.

She snatched it from Asriel and scrutinised it. Kvikk Lunsj... Whatever that was. With food in her hands her appetite returned and she tore it open, shoving chocolate coated biscuit into her mouth. She'd finished it off in minutes. "Any more?"

"We'll have a proper meal in the airport," Asriel raised an eyebrow, lips twisting into a lazy smile. "And a well deserved drink."

"I'm allowed to drink?"

"For me, not you." He glanced at Will, who was still eating his snack. "Did they only starve you, Lyra, or are you just insatiable?"

"I e'nt eaten all day," Lyra retorted. "Will ate on the train, didn't he?"

"I did."

"You were too busy snoring away," Asriel reached over and pinched her nose. She glared at him, wriggling away. "Should I have spoon fed you."

"Stop it," Lyra grumbled, batting his hand away. Pan, the traitor, had hopped down onto the floor to snuggle up to Stelmaria where she lay under the table - pressed up against Asriel's legs, and careful to not touch anyone else.

"It won't be long till we get to the airport, be patient." Even as he spoke, the snack Asriel had for himself was placed in Lyra's hands. Just as quickly it was stuffed into her mouth, staving off the worst of the hunger.

She wanted to talk more, with both Will and Asriel, but the small amount of energy she'd regained was quickly flagging. It was like now that she was safe all of the exhaustion for the past weeks, constantly spent on edge, were catching up to her.

Lyra stifled a yawn and pulled her legs up against her chest. She leaned in against Asriel, forcing away under his arm and snuggling up against him. It was much more comfortable than sleeping against the window.

She easily drifted off into a light sleep, Pan's fluffy tail wrapped around her leg and Asriel's arm resting across her back.

-

London airport was the same as Lyra remembered, but she felt like a different person walking into it off the plane.

The passport line was quiet, their flight only half full, and they got through it quickly. None of them had checked in luggage (Asriel's rifle had mysteriously disappeared between the station and Oslo), so they could walk right through. Of their group only Asriel and Ma Costa were talking, quiet murmurs that Lyra could only hear a few words of and didn't bother to listen in on. The four children were exhausted from a long day of travelling, and after everything they'd been through. Even Lyra had only been able to talk for half the plane journey, mostly at Asriel, before petering out.

"Mum! Dad!" Will noticed the group waiting for them first, running to his parents with a sudden bunch of energy. They pulled him in for a tight embrace, tears spilling down Elaine's cheeks and John was smiling while holding them close. Their daemons all pressed close together at their humans’ feet.

Warmth sparked in Lyra's chest. She knew how much Will had missed his parents - more than Lyra had missed Asriel, she imagined. Just because he was strong and mature didn't mean he was used to being away from them.

She pushed down the guilt she still felt.

"Doubt anyone's here for me like that- oh," Roger trailed off, eyes widening when he spotted his uncle and Alice. His uncle's grumpy expression lightened and Alice immediately came forward, fussing and checking him over for any signs of harm.

"I was so worried," she said, pulling him into a rough hug. Roger froze, before hugging her back. "Don't you ever go missing like that again, Roger Parslow."

Lyra looked away with a smile. Roger was like family to her, the brother she never had, but it was nice to see the rest of his family being there. He deserved it. They deserved it.

She turned around and hugged Asriel, burying her face in his worn jumper. He patted her back and just let her press up against him.

"Still tired?"

Lyra tilted her head to look up at him, past his rough beard. "Drained, more like. I e'nt got energy left."

Asriel smiled, affectionately ruffling her hair. "Let's go home, then."

Chapter Text

Lyra had never been so relieved to get home.

It was even stronger than when she'd been stuck in London, because then at least she'd had a comfortable bed and wasn't at risk of having Pan cut away from her.

The sight of a familiar living room, just as messy as they'd left it, and a recognisable scent filled her with comfort. She reached out and touched the wall, feeling the indents under her finger from when she'd flung a really thick book at it in a fit of rage. This was real. She was really, truly home.

Asriel dumped their luggage without care at the door, striding past Lyra to the kitchen. He switched on the kettle and turned to Lyra, eyes narrowing slightly. "Do you want something to eat before bed?"

"I don't want to sleep," Lyra shook her head. Now that she was home her exhaustion was gone, nervous energy sparking across her skin. She paced between her bedroom door and the kitchen, Pan prowling at her feet as a ferret.

Asriel watched her, arms folded and gaze scrutinising. She waited for him to tell her to go to bed, and she knew she'd been tired the whole way home but she just couldn't explain it... If she went to bed now she wouldn't be able to sleep.

"Let's talk then," Asriel eventually heaved out a sigh, going to recline on his armchair. Lyra stopped pacing and stared at him wide eyed. "I won't force you to go to bed. That'll just cause me more of a headache. You're old enough to decide for yourself. Whether we talk now or in the morning makes no difference to me."

"I'm sure you both have plenty to ask," Stelmaria purred, stretching out at Asriel's feet. "And we have questions for you."

"What if I don't wanna talk?" Lyra grumbled belligerently, in direct contrast to her sitting down in her chair with Pan hopping up onto her knee. While their living room had been updated with a new television and sofa, they'd kept the two old armchairs - just moved them to the side and right in front of the fireplace. They were comfortable if worn, and both Asriel and Lyra had an attachment. Asriel couldn't lounge so majestically on a sofa anyway.

"Fine by me. I can get some work done." Asriel's lips twisted up into a sardonic smile, heavy gaze prickling Lyra's skin. He could see right through her.

"Fine, I got a lotta questions." Lyra folded her arms, leaning forward as if she was interrogating him. "Who was those people? John Faa and that? Why was Ma Costa with them?"

"They're a group of travelers, I suppose. You know that Ma Costa lives on a canal boat and travels with the seasons? Well, it's not just her. They're few in number but strong. John Faa is their current leader."

"How do you know em? I know Ma Costa helped when I was young but what bout the rest?"

"I met them long before you were born. I've always helped their people, and in return they've helped me. We formed a mutually beneficial relationship over the years."

Lyra tilted her head. It didn't seem like just that, they seemed to genuinely respect Asriel and he in turn respected them. "So you just know some kinda army group, and-"

"Travellers, not army. They just know how to defend themselves."

"And you too? Why did you have a gun, I didn't know you used one of those. They e’nt even legal here."

"I learned how to shoot when I was younger." Asriel held up his hands as if it wasn't a big deal. "It's unimportant."

"Unimportant?" Lyra scowled. "Knowing if my dad is some kinda criminal is pretty important... and if you had this great team and knew where it was, why didn't you stop it earlier?"

"I didnt know where it was," Asriel let out a mirthful laugh. "It was thanks to you we found it. Very clever, managing to turn in the location tracker."

"It worked? I didn't think I'd get any signal!"

"You did, the night we went in. We were already in the area but you saved us days."

Days? Days would have been too late... By then Lyra would be in the wild with all the children, trying their best to survive and get to civilisation. That or still stuck with her mother, which was a much worse thought.

"Guess you better thank me, then."

"Thank you?" Asriel snorted. "Who was it that was rescued, you brat."

"I didn't need you to rescue me," Lyra retorted. "I coulda got out myself. We had a plan."

Asriel laughed, eyes glittering with amusement. "You wouldn't be my daughter if you didn't. "

Lyra grinned at him. Pan chirped happily in her lap, body vibrating slightly.

"Now I've answered your questions, you answer mine." Asriel narrowed his eyes at Lyra. She quelled under his harsh gaze, picking at her worn trousers and looking away. He already knew the basics, of course, but she wasn't sure how to tell him the rest. "So how exactly did you end up missing on a very safe school trip, while walking up a simple path?"

"I just wanted to take a look at these mushrooms I seen in the forest." Lyra quickly thought of a lie, meeting Asriel's probing stare head on now that she had a story in her head. "We was just looking at them for a bit, with Will, but the group had already left and we got lost."

"You mean to tell me that you got so lost looking at mushrooms you could see from the path that you weren't able to find your way back."

"We may have kept going a bit cause I saw more."

"Hah," Asriel barked out laughter. "Lyra Belacqua, do you really think you can lie to me? The only reason I'm not angrier is because you've been through something traumatic. Don't think you're not in trouble."

Lyra stiffened, unsurprised but upset she'd been caught so quickly. It had been so easy to lie to Asriel once upon a time, when he was barely around to verify her stories or understand her tells. Now she couldn't. She clenched her fingers in Pan's fur. Better to tell the truth now, while Asriel wasn't angry. "We was bored cause the tour guide kept talking about all this stupid stuff, so we dragged Will away to explore. It got really misty then we got completely lost."

"And how did you get to your mother's experimental laboratory."

"We found a road and followed it in the hope of finding people... Only those people worked for her and kidnapped us."

"I knew right away they were bad news," Pan chirped up, shamelessly bragging. "They got us before we could get away."

"Yeah... I didn't know my mother was involved till the first night when the other girls said about her," Lyra shuddered, nausea roiling in her gut. The whole experience had been so horrible she'd almost forgotten what it was like sleeping outside and travelling everyday. It felt like a lifetime ago, and it has been preferable to the horror of what had happened to Tony and at the station. Pan pressed against her chest as the memory of almost losing him to that blade flitter through her mind, anxiety spiking through her. She held him close and tried to calm her breathing. "What they was doing there was the worst. They was severing daemons all because they think shadow particles are sin, and settling is when we lose innocence."

"Yes," Asriel heaved out a sigh. "Marisa and the church have a very different idea about what shadow particles are. She claims to follow science yet let's her religious beliefs outweigh the scientific truth. We don't know what exactly shadow particles are, we haven't proven anything yet as you know, but the thought of it being sin is ridiculous. What they're doing is barbaric."

"My mother thought it was for a better future," Lyra pulled her legs up, curling around Pan as if to protect him. "When they were about to cut me she looked so scared... But it wasn't cause of the process itself, just that it wasn't ready yet. She still wanted to take Pan away from me before he settled. She tried to convince me it was a good thing, to have him as an obedient pet, I hated it."

Stelmaria snarled, ears flat against her head. Asriel's voice was low with rage. "No one will take Pan away from you. Your Daemon is your soul, a part of you, and to take him away is crueller than anything else. It's oppressive, a way to keep us controlled, I will never allow it to happen."

Stelmaria leaned up so that he could sink his fingers into her fur, brow relaxing slightly.

"She can't anyway," Lyra scowled, pressing Pan close, feeling his chest rise and fall against hers. "I destroyed the equipment. They'll never get me near that blade again, it was so horrible... It was so close to tearing us apart. But I destroyed it. It'll never happen."

She was reassuring herself as much as anything. Surely it would take too long for Marisa to rebuild everything, by then Lyra would be safe. Could she even rebuild it? There was no way Asriel was just letting them get away with it... The authorities must have been informed, right?

"You did a very good job of that," Asriel's lips pulled back to reveal his canines. "Not a piece was useable for anything but evidence. Well done."

Warmth pushed through the cold anxiety still clinging to her, the constant paranoia that she'd be back there about to lose Pan - that someone was going to touch him. But she wasn't. She was at home with her dad who wouldn't let that happen to her. She'd been so powerless then, but she wasn't going to be anymore.

"When we was talking she kept saying that shadow particles were sin, and giving me all sorts of arguments. She thought that my opinion was twisted by you, that you'd told me what to think. That isn't the case... I just know your work, and Mary's, is more correct than hers. Even if shadow particles were sin she should just leave us alone. I got my own opinions and it e'nt all from what you said, but she was so convinced it was all you."

"Because that's what she'd do," Asriel snorted. "Marisa would have you agreeing with everything she said. I raised you to have your own opinions."

If leaving Lyra mostly to her own devices meant raising her to have her own opinions, she supposed that was right. She wasn't exactly inclined to just agree with Asriel. If anything they argued more than they agreed... She definitely preferred it to how it was with Marisa. She hated being controlled.

"Thinking for yourself is more important than anything," Asriel continued. "I don't need you to agree with me. My work proves itself."

"You make me agree with you all the time."

"I make you agree to follow certain rules, because I'm your parent. I don't make you agree with my opinions."

Lyra supposed he was telling the truth there.

"Was it her idea? The cutting?"

"It was. She was the one who first connected the Daemon settling to shadow particles settling. This is something she's known for a long time. Her interest in preventing that, separating Daemon from body, was one of the things that drove her to leave us. Of course it's taken years for them to get to this point, because she had to first prove that it's possible... But it is."

"I seen it," Lyra shuddered. "All them daemons without humans. They all thought it was right, too. They was talking about your work too."

"Who's they?"

"The doctors. I snuck through the ceiling to listen in on them, that's how I ended up almost losing Pan. They knew a bit about your research but didn't seem to think it was a threat. At least my mother didn't."

"She wouldn't," Asriel smirked, leaning back. "My research isn't, anyway. We were working towards entirely different things. All shadow matter research is looked down on by the academic community, and many don't believe mine, but it doesn't hinge on religious fanaticism and cruel experiments. Our similar subject matter isn't important when the goals are so different. I want to harness the bond between Daemon and human while they want to sever it. Our research diverged years ago. It's a shame, Marisa is an incredibly intelligent woman. If only she wasn't driven by power... Anyway, it doesn't matter if they knew anything about my research. They're not a threat to me either. If anyone was it was Dr Malone. Those who view it as merely sin can't compete."

"Why do they think it's sin?"

"You know about the creation story from the Bible, don't you? About Adam and Eve?"

"Kinda. Eve ate an apple she wasn't supposed to when the serpent tempted her. Then they was kicked out."

"I suppose that brief summary will do. God told them not to eat the apple, because they would die. Remember Adam and Eve were like children, with daemons that took on any form they desired. The serpent told Eve that the apple wouldn't kill her but it would open her eyes to good and evil, and her daemon would take his true form. Once they ate the apple their daemons settled, and they changed. They felt shame, knew good and evil... And that is how sin came into the world. Sin, shame and death. At least that's what the church would have us believe. They could never prove it until shadow particles were discovered, and the fact they were attracted to adults and not children. It's fascinating really."

Lyra yawned, struggling to stay awake the more Asriel talked. Pan slumped over her legs as a sleepy ermine, eyes half closed. She wanted to know, it was interesting, but her exhaustion was beginning to catch up with her again.

"Asriel," Stelmaria rumbled, noticing their state first.

"Well, that's enough for now," Asriel said, standing. "Time for bed, Lyra."

Lyra nodded sleepily, dragging herself to her feet with Pan in her arms.

"Don't hold back if you need to talk," Stelmaria said softly, following behind Lyra towards her bedroom. Pan leaned out of Lyra's arms to rub his nose against Stelmaria's. "Both of you."

Pan chirped his agreement for them both, trotting back to Lyra. She leaned down to pick him up and trudged to the door of her room. She couldn't wait to collapse into the familiar, comfortable bed with its starry sheets she'd picked out years ago and the comforting smell of home.

She hesitated in the door, turning back to look at Asriel. He'd followed her over, probably planning to go into his own bedroom next door to work or sleep. It was quite late, the clock in the wall reading 12:04.

Lyra didn't want to just go to bed like this, but she didn't want to ask anything of Asriel either. That was embarrassing.

Asriel looked down at her, frowning. Stelmaria nudged his leg. With a heavy sigh he pulled Lyra in for a short, awkward hug. She instantly hugged him back, hands scrunching in his jumper. He patted her back before detaching her, gently pushing her into her room.

"Goodnight, Lyra."

-

Asriel didn't make Lyra go back to school immediately, getting her a few weeks off to recover. She still had to do catch up work but he was quite relaxed about it. It seemed Roger was off too, going by the amount of texts he was sending her, and Lyra doubted Wills parents would make him go back to school right away. Roger had even made a group chat for the three of them named 'Station Survival group' and he was spamming it about as much as he was Lyra privately.

Not only did Asriel let Lyra stay off school, but he also didn't go into work. He didn't say it but it was obvious it was to be with, and watch out for, her. Sure, he still did some work at home, but he wasn't spending the days in his lab he normally did. He didn't even do his lectures... He must have taken time off! Lyra didn't think Asriel had ever taken time off.

She appreciated it. It proved that he'd really changed. She was finally, truly, beginning to believe that he'd stick around and prioritise her over his research. Even a year or two ago it would have been unfathomable to her.

Lyra felt strange after the station. In many ways she felt perfectly fine. But then the other day one of the professors had come a bit close to Pan during dinner, and she'd flinched away, Pan leaping into her arms as a hissing wildcat. It was only Asriel's hand on her shoulder and Stelmaria comforting Pan that had stopped them from attacking him out of fear.

She hadn't told Asriel everything, but him and Stelmaria seemed to understand.

If Asriel wasn't staying at home with her just now she wasn't sure what she'd do. Spend time with Roger she supposed, but he was dealing with it in his own way. She liked being at home, where it was safe, sprawled out across the floor on her laptop while her dad read nearby.

"Let's go on a walk," Asriel announced on the third day since she was back.

Lyra hadn't properly been out since then, aside from getting food in the cafeteria. Agitation was dancing across her skin, both her and Pan going stir crazy, but they were also reluctant to go outside. It was so stupid, but tendrils of fear were trapped deep in their chest. What if someone touched Pan? If that doctor was willing to break the taboo, weren't there other people out there that would?

She felt so ridiculous for it. Who would even be on the roofs? Her heart yearned to be up there, but they weren't able to force their way through the clinging fear. She hated it. Normally she got past these things so easily.

"If you don't go outside you might end up settling as a sloth," Stelmaria commented with a rumbled laugh, nudging Pan with her nose. He turned into a fox in protest, fluffing up his red fur.

"I won't," Pan retorted. There was no way he'd be a sloth. They both yearned for the outdoors, to properly stretch their legs but... They just couldn't explain why they were holed up to Asriel and Stelmaria. Perhaps they could tell.

"Where to?" Lyra asked.

"Anywhere." Asriel had already pulled on his boots, so it seemed he wouldn't take no for an answer. "We'll take an aimless wander."

Lyra gaped at him. "You can do something aimless? I thought everything you did had a purpose."

"I was a man of leisure in my youth too," Asriel snorted, talking in a way that really showed his age. Lyra suppressed a laugh at it. "Come on, get up."

Lyra closed her laptop and dragged herself to her feet, pulling her shoes on haphazardly. Pan trailed at her heels, ears pinned back against his head and tail quivering. Lyra scooped him up when she was done and held him against her chest. Thankfully it was warm enough she didn't need to wear a jacket, so she could feel his warmth through her shirt as they followed Asriel out of the apartment.

It was warm outside, but overcast - typical for April. The college was quiet thanks to it being the middle of an hour, most students on campus in class and professors working. Only a few people were milling about, going from building to building or eating lunch outside. Pan turned into a wildcat in her arms, amber eyes darting about each person they passed.

But the longer they were outside the more relaxed he felt. People hardly gave them a second glance, and if they did it was to nod in greeting to Asriel. No one was trying to take Pan.

"So how did you get a gun?" Lyra asked when they stepped out of the college grounds. Pan leapt from her arms and trotted next to Stelmaria, twisting under her belly and around her legs to annoy her. "You wouldn't say before, but you gotta now since I feel a bit better."

"You're not going to let that go?" Asriel snorted, lips twisting into a fierce half smile that was more vicious than joyful. Most would cower under it, but Lyra just puffed up her chest and met his harsh gaze. "It's not as interesting as you're hoping for. I hunted with my father when he was young, and inherited some of his guns. That's all."

"I don't think a shotgun is used for hunting," Lyra furrowed her brows, trying to remember what one boy in her physics class had said when bragging about going hunting with his dad. Lyra had found the whole conversation stupid, because he was hardly better than anyone, so she hadn't paid much attention. "You don't keep it in the flat either."

"I wouldn't be a very responsible father if I did, would I?"

Lyra didn't think Asriel had been a very responsible father anyway. At least he hadn't actively put her in harm's way... Really he'd been very angry when she did reckless things (even though it was his fault). She'd have definitely tried out a gun if there was one in the flat.

"We have more important things to discuss than this," Asriel said before she could pester him any further. He turned into the botanic gardens, slowing down his pace slightly - probably to make it easier to talk.

"Did we have to go outside to talk about it. Are there hidden cameras in our flat?"

"Of course not. You've been watching too many spy movies. You need fresh air, and it's convenient."

Lyra couldn't argue with that. She had needed, and wanted, to go outside, she just needed the push.

"All of the doctors in charge of the station are being prosecuted," Asriel's lips pulled back into a viscous smile, dark eyes glinting. "There's undeniable evidence against them so it's unlikely they'll get away with it, no matter how corrupt our judicial system is. The trial will take place over the next few months."

"How's that news?" Lyra tilted her head in confusion. Pan turned into a sparrow, flapping around Stelmaria's head. "They was arrested anyway?"

"Arrested but not prosecuted. There was a chance, albeit slim, of them being cleared of any charges before it went to court. I'm sure the church would have loved to do that. Unfortunately for them a couple of renowned journalists came across incriminating information, so it was too late to cover it up."

Asriel's smile widened, teeth showing. His gaze held the triumphant smugness of a predator that had easily caught its prey after hunting it.

"Good," Lyra grinned back just as fiercely. She kicked a rock at her foot hard, channelling all the fury she held towards them as she sent it flying. "They deserve to be locked up the rest of their lives for what they did. They destroyed lives. Killing would be kinder."

"Mm, they won't harm any more children now."

"Wait," Lyra's smile dropped, brow furrowing. There was something missing from that. "What about my mother?"

"She got away."Asriel heaved out a sigh. "I didn't find her when we raised the place and she was far too smart to have her name on anything incriminating. All the credit was graciously given to the other scientists, letting her get off free. It won't be long before she finds something similar to sink her claws into."

Lyra shuddered, nausea rising in her chest. There was no way Marisa would just give up like that. She was far too passionate about her twisted cause. When they'd talked it was clear she truly believed in it. Lyra clenched her fist, nails digging into the palm of her hand. Any joy she had from the earlier news was gone, replaced with only dread. That meant they weren't free of her. "Then I still gotta see her every month?"

"I'm afraid so." Asriel paused, turning to Lyra and clapping a hand against her shoulder. He gave it a rough, but warm, squeeze. "She won't hurt you, Lyra. She can't. She'll have to lay low for a while."

Lyra frowned, gaze dropping to her feet. Pan flew to her, landing on her shoulder and shifting into an ermine go wrap around her neck. She didn't feel any better knowing she was safe. She still had to see Marisa knowing her sickly ideals... After the last time they'd met. Pan had attacked the golden monkey. How could they face them again?

"You only have to endure it until you're sixteen," Asriel continued, thumb rubbing gentle circles on her collarbone. "That seventeen visits. It's difficult, but manageable."

"You're not the one who has to see her," Lyra muttered. She knew she was getting annoyed at the wrong parent, but he was there and Marisa wasn't... And Asriel was safe, for all he sometimes scared her. He'd never hurt her. Marisa would if Lyra spoke out. But he was right. She'd continue to get through it because she was good at enduring. "You're not very good at comforting people."

Asriel raised an eyebrow, lips twitching up slightly in amusement.

"It's the best he can do," Stelmaria rumbled quietly. Her gaze was soft, if slightly sad. "We both didn't want her in your life."

"I know." Lyra kicked another rock. She didn't feel any better about it, she felt incredibly frustrated. But she knew Asriel did too. "She's the problem. If I'd known you was coming I would've stayed with her so she didn't get away."

"You did more than enough," Asriel gave her shoulder another squeeze then let go. He continued walking, long strides taking them deeper into the botanics.

They walked in silence again. Lyra's mind was so full it felt empty, unable to concentrate on one thing. It felt like every thought slipped through her fingers. It didn't help that Pan's were there too, clashing with her own for attention.

"When're you going back to work?" Lyra asked, breaking the silence hanging between them once again. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it was just rare she actually got a moment like this - when she had all of Asriel's attention. She didn't want to mope and lose that.

"What, want rid of me already?"

"I'm just curious," Lyra rolled her eyes. "You've never taken time off."

"I need a holiday after all the stress you've put me through," Asriel's lips curved into a sardonic smile. "I'll work from home again next week. Exams are around the corner, unfortunately, so there won't be time for my research."

"What about your lectures?"

"I've handed them over to someone else."

"Oh. Then you'll still be around a lot?"

"Yes. Someone has to make sure you keep out of trouble."

"You can just say you're worried, y'know."

The corner of Asriel's lips lifted, and he roughly ruffled her hair. He then strode off, longer legs carrying him away quickly. Stelmaria looked up at Lyra and Pan with soft eyes before following him.

It was the closest to agreement she'd get. Lyra knew Asriel was worried for her, because why else would he take so much time off work - he'd just never say it. Just like she'd never tell him how happy it made her.

Lyra grinned, and ran after him.

-

Lyra waited a bit before going to see Will. Spending time with Asriel was all she'd wanted while lost in the wilderness, then when trapped by the worst people in the world, but now that they were back she found her thoughts turning to Will more often than not. She'd gotten used to him just being there, a few steps away, and had begun to take it for granted.

She'd missed Asriel, but she missed Will now too. It only made sense, she supposed, since they were two of the people closest to her.

"I'll pick you up at eight," Asriel said as he dropped her off, in a tone the left no space for argument. Lyra rolled her eyes at the over protectiveness, something she'd never expected from him, while inwardly feeling incredibly grateful. "Don't cause too much trouble."

"I'm not a child, I don't need told that," Lyra glared at him.

"You'll always be a child to me," Asriel chuckled, ruffling her hair. She ducked away from his hand with a pout. "You haven't grown out of troublemaking either."

Lyra was fairly certain she'd never grow out of it. What would cause her too? Certainly not consequences, she'd suffered plenty of those without changing her ways.

"Have fun." Asriel patted her back and with a last warning stare left. Pan craned up on his hind legs to tap his nose against Stelmaria's.

It didn't take long for Will to get the door, lips bursting into a grin. He immediately pulled Lyra in for a tight but brief hug before dragging her up to his room.

"How have you been?" He asked, sitting on his bed.

Lyra joined him, before regretting it. She didn't feel weird about sitting on Will's bed with him normally but for some reason... She did right now. Her cheeks heated up, causing Pan to give her a strange look. He didn't understand why and nor did she. They'd slept leaning against each other, this was nothing.

"Lyra?" Will furrowed his brow, leaning towards her in concern.

"I'm alright," Lyra replied instantly, brushing away the strange feelings that were plaguing her more and more. Maybe she was sick. That must be it. "And I've been alright. Dad's been off work so I've been spending a lot of time with him. We've hardly argued too, it's nice."

"You bicker all the time," Pan commented. He'd stretched out behind Lyra as a fox, snout resting between his scraggly paws.

"It's not the same. Bickering is fun, arguing e'nt."

"I think most people bicker with their parents at some point," Will laughed. He leaned back on his arms, eyes creasing softly at Lyra. "I've found it strange being back. Feels like what we went through was not quite real... But then sometimes I just remember it."

"It's the same for me. I really feel alright most of the time, like nothing happened. But that e'nt the case... I've changed. We're much more cautious." She shared a look with Pan. He stretched out, head pressing against her hand. She threaded her fingers through his russet fur. "Just knowing Pans there, sensing him, isn't enough anymore. They tried to rip him out of me... To tear us apart, and sometimes I feel an ache as if it's happened if I can't feel him."

Pan whimpered softly, rubbing his cheek against Lyra's palm.

"I can't imagine what that's like." Will looked at Kirjava, both wincing as if imagining it. Kirjava rubbed against Will, reaching out to lightly nuzzle Pan. "Remembering Tony is difficult enough. The way he was calling for his daemon even though they'd been separated... It was horrible. I still can't believe there were people who did that."

Not just people, Lyra thought. Her mother. She still struggled to reconcile it with the mother she disliked, but deep down wanted love from. Marisa had seemed to have truly believed it was for the better... And enjoyed watching the process. Lyra shuddered.

"I never knew there could be people that evil," Lyra shook her head. "I knew people could do all sorts of things, but tearing a child apart like that... No one else saw what it was like. I haven't been able to tell dad cause I dunno how to. I don't think others will understand."

"It's the same for me," the corner of Will's lips quirked up. He placed a warm brown hand on her smaller, paler one. "But we have each other. Neither of us are alone. After what we went through together..."

Will paused, eyebrows furrowing with thought.

"Well, you're the closest friend I've ever had. That was always true, but now I know I won't ever find another friend like you."

Lyra felt joy flooding into her chest, but with it came sharp pain. She was happy that Will thought of her that way but also... Upset. Did she want to be more? But what more was that? Was it because she couldn't say the same back to him as confidently, because she also had Roger? But her relationship with them both was different.

It didn't matter really.

"Yeah, it's the same for me." Because it was. She had no other friend like Will. "It'll be weird going back to school. Everyone will be worrying about stuff like grades and boys, but that doesn't seem so important anymore."

Not that Lyra had ever put much importance on either.

"When did you care about grades?" Will teased, traces of anxiety disappearing from his dark eyes.

"I cared a little," Lyra shook off his hand and shot him a playful glare. "I don't wanna go to uni, y'know."

"Why doesn't your work ethic reflect that?"

Lyra shrugged. "I do well enough in the subjects I like. I don't need to do well in the others. I checked."

"She really did," Pan piped up. "Most science courses don't require As in English or social sciences."

"Yeah, I'm a smart slacker. It won't be a problem in the future."

"A smart slacker..." Will chuckled, eyes creasing into crescent moons. Lyra liked him most like this - smiling and radiating warmth. Of course she liked him when he was serious too, but it was nicer when they were both unburdened. The time spent surviving together had brought them closer, but she wouldn't repeat it. "Haven't heard that one before."

"That's cause I'm one of a kind," Lyra grinned. A gentle aroma wafted through the open door, distracting her immediately. She sniffed the air, Pan joining her, before looking at Will with twinkling eyes. "Is that your mum's baking I smell?"

"It is," Will laughed, eyes sparkling with amusement. "She's making brownies today. They should be ready... Want to go check?"

"Yes!"

As Lyra followed Will down the stairs, the warm smell of home baking growing, she felt just a bit more normal. It didn't change what she'd been through, but there was someone who understood without having to really talk about it.

It really helped.