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Winter had eventually caught up to Camp half Blood, too. Nico hadn’t expected the magical borders of his home to let the soft blizzard break through but the entire are had become covered in shimmering, white frozen snow. It had also gotten comparably empty. The majority of the campers had returned home in order to spend the dark season with their mortal families and only a minority of the half bloods remained in the camp – those without a family to return to.
Nico was one of them, unsurprisingly. Both his mother and his sister had already passed away, which was why he had nowhere else to go. He surely could visit his father in the underworld but he knew that this would only end up in Hades tasking him with yet another annoying mission.
The young half blood truly wasn’t in the mood for that.
He hated winter and he hated Christmas even more.
One could think that the son of the underworld would appreciate the extending darkness covering the days but it only made Nico even more depressed. On top of that, it reminded him of his childhood back in Italy. After the river Lethe had erased the majority of his memories, he forgot everything his past life had offered him before. But now the memories were slowly coming back and even though he truly hated to admit it, they were overwhelming him. He could see Bianca’s smiling face flashing in front of his eyes whenever he dared to look at the snow-covered path before his cabin. He could hear her laugh ringing in his ears whenever he spotted the other campers engaging each other in a snowball fight. He could recall the smell of his beloved mother’s self-made cookies whenever he entered the dining hall.
The memory of them hurt.
Chiron had promised him that they would never fully be gone as long as he kept the memory of them dear to his heart but Nico started to feel like it was more of a curse than a blessing. Bianca had actively chosen to bathe in the river of Lethe all over again to erase all that was left of her brother and her mother in her mind. She had chosen a new life over him. Nico knew that all she used to be would fully be gone once he let go of the last remains of his shared experiences with her – but it just hurt so God damn much.
The son of Hades rested his already cold cheek on the ice-covered glass of his cabin’s window as he was watching a couple of new campers wrestling in the snow. An Ares camper and a Hermes son were laughing as they were trying to push each other into the cool surface of the ground. There noses were glowing in a dark shade of red and their breaths left out puffs of warm air. Both of them had arrived this summer and had already gotten accustomed to their new home. It had taken Nico ages to accept the fact that he was in fact welcomed in Camp Half Blood. After he had shown up at the borders of the Camp during the fight against Gaia, fully ready to protect a camp which had never put any effort into trying to save or protect him, Will Solace, who was now his beloved boyfriend, had blessed him with a warm home here. But even though the son of Apollo surely was a beam of sunlight in Nico’s usually dark life, even he could not fully erase the darkness swallowing his heart whenever he thought of his by birth given family.
Will.
His wonderful, loving boyfriend Will. He was the sun in Nico’s life. He did not deserve being surrounded by night. He only deserved the best and if he was being honest, the son of Hades would willingly give him the entire world if he could. The only good thing about this horrible season was the fact that Will was staying at camp, too. His mother had gone on yet another tour with her country band and therefore, Will was not able to spend Christmas with her.
Even though Nico felt sorry for him, he also could not help but be a bit relieved. He had already been worried that he would have to spend the entire winter locked in his cabin on his own. Even though he had gotten used to living with the other campers, he was not exactly able to call them his friends. And ever since Jason had passed away, making friends had become even harder for him.
Of what use was it to get attached to another person if they only ended up being taken away from him again? He had lost Bianca, he had lost Jason. Rayna had left him to join the huntresses of Artemis and Hazel was happy spending her time with Frank.
A gaze to the clock in his room told him that lunch was about to start but he did not feel like going. The smell of the freshly baked Christmas cookies they were usually offered only made him remember his mother even more. So, he decided to take a short nap instead. Nico closed the curtains to block the cold winter light from entering his usually dark cabin, also shutting off the sight of the two children playing in the snow. Afterwards, he wiggled out of his uncomfortable jeans before grabbing one of Will’s large hoodies his boyfriend had left here during his last stay.
The sound of the howling wind raging outside of his cabin signalised him that the storm had picked up. Usually, the magical borders of Camp Half Blood would not let any force of nature get to the camp but the demigods had insisted on letting the snow coming through, so they could enjoy it like regular teenagers.
The storm outside got louder.
Just like the one occurring in Nico’s head. The tornado of dark thoughts in his mind clouded his sight already. It was a feeling he had gotten used to over the years, even though it was something no one deserved to experience.
Nico rubbed his heavy eyes in an attempt to ease the tightening storm of thoughts. He needed to clear them a little bit in order to be capable of falling asleep.
Sighing he curled into a protective ball on the soft sheets of his bed, pressing the fabric of the hoodie to his nose. It was just a simple piece of polyester but it provided him with a strange feeling of comfort due to it still smelling like his boyfriend. Will smelled warm, like cinnamon, freshly-made hot chocolate and a strange undertone of the hand-sanitizer they used at the infirmary. The son of Hades closed his eyes, inhaling the scent in an attempt to let it take over the tornado of thoughts inside of his brain.
It worked for now.
It had always worked. Sometimes Nico felt like Will left his clothes in his cabin on purpose. He knew how much the Italian liked falling asleep in them.
The sound of the wind picked up, surrounding the dark Hades cabin and eventually lulling Nico into a deep slumber.
*~*
Nico would have preferred a nightmare over this.
Demigods were often plagued with haunting dreams of certain horrible events and even though he usually was one of them the sight he was greeted with today was even worse.
He could clearly recall the sunflower covered curtains of his old home back in Italy. The white, almost cold walls were decorated with photos of his sister and himself. The dark wooden furniture was lightened by the comforting flames cracking in the kitchen’s fireplace.
Bianca was sitting on one of the wooden chairs in front of the table, laughing as Maria di Angelo was humming along to the old song echoing from the recorder standing next to her on the table. Their mother was wearing a flour-covered apron and opened the oven in order to take out the freshly-baked cookies she had just made. The sound of music had always made their home more lively. Maria had loved telling them stories about how she danced along with their father under the moonlight while an old song had been playing in the background.
Both Bianca and Nico had been raised with this exact tape of music and even though Nico was embarrassed to admit it, he still loved it to this day.
Nico found himself sitting on the other side of the table. His beloved mother placed a plate now filled with cookies right in front of her children and gently stroked Bianca’s dark curls as she went back to the oven to prepare the next sheet of sweets. The son of Hades had hardly control over his own actions as he reached for one of the cookies. It was still warm and its sweet smell filled his nose right away. The chocolate drops were slowly melting and offered a delicious sight.
A gaze to the window showed him that it must have been around Christmas time, too. The glass was slightly frozen already as the snowflakes covered the sill outside. Their home hadn’t been big back then, which was why Maria had put up a small Christmas tree in the kitchen. It was decorated with Bianca’s favourite shimmering baubles and a golden star at the crown.
“Don’t you want to try the cookies, Nico? Mom made them just for you, they are your favourites after all!” God, he felt like he had long forgotten his sister’s voice. It had been years ever since her passing and no voice recording whatsoever existed of it.
Nico looked up to meet the dark piercing gaze of his sister’s chocolate brown eyes. She had always been beautiful. With light freckles covering his cheeks and long, dark hair. Now a smile was plastered on her lips as she chuckled. “Have you lost your voice? I know that this song is making you emotional, you are such a baby!”
Nico hadn’t even paid proper attention to the song which was playing now. It was called “come take a trip in my airship” and had been his favourite back when he was a child.
Come take a Trip in my Airship
come sail away to the stars
We'll travel to Venus
we'll sail away to Mars
No one will see while we're kissing
No one will know as we swoon
So come take a Trip in my Airship
and we'll visit the Man in the Moon
The son of Hades snapped himself out of his thoughts and even though it was just one of his stupid dreams, he felt like he could actually taste the sweet flavour of the chocolate as he finally took a bite from the cookie. The still warm dough melted in his mouth right away and left him with an odd warm feeling of comfort and home.
What year was it? 1943? He truly did not know. But he knew for sure that it was the last happy Christmas he had ever gotten to spend. The last Christmas he got to share with his mother and sister before his entire life went to ruins.
All of a sudden, he felt cold despite the fire still cracking in the fireplace. Despite the warm oven filling the air with the sweet smell of cookies. Despite the aura of comfort and love his family radiated. A graze over his own fingertips was enough for Nico to realize that his hands were freezing, just like the thoughts in his brain. He felt like the tornado had turned into ice cold snow freezing everything inside of his mind.
He could hardly register his mother hurrying over to him. Even though he could see her cupping his face in her hands, he couldn’t feel the warmth her skin should provide. He couldn’t even hear her voice as she opened her mouth to talk to him.
Her voice.
Nico couldn’t remember what her voice sounded like. It had been literal ages ever since he had last heard him and even though he had gotten to finally hear the sound of Bianca’s again, his mother’s still seemed to be out of reach.
He wanted to say something, wanted to let her know how much he missed her and how much Christmas had sucked ever since he had lost her but he just couldn’t. The snow in his brain was freezing him in place.
His gaze was blurred by the tears forming in his eyes as he looked up at her. He had almost forgotten her face, too… Those dark eyes, which resembled his own and Bianca’s in so many ways, the soft blush glowing on her pale cheeks, the warm gaze she always gave them. His beloved mother.
Why did everyone he loved have to die? Was that some sort of curse children of Hades had to deal with? He could feel the sound of him calling out his mother’s name vibrating in his throat but he was incapable of hearing it. The snowstorm was hissing in his ears.
He wanted to hear his screams. He wanted to hear his mother’s voice or even Bianca’s. Anything but the rustling sound of his own dark thoughts thundering in his brain.
Anything. Just anything.
Nico could feel another scream choking in his throat as he was finally surrounded in darkness again and his body collapsed against something hard.
*~*
He had again been forcefully dragged out of time. He found himself facing the ceiling of the dark Hades cabin once again but instead of the soft sheets his bed provided, he was laying on a cold and hard surface. He could hardly register the pain shooting through his left arm he had landed on. He was way too occupied with the burn in his throat caused by the silent screams escaping it. The thunder in his head way still way too loud for him to hear them.
He was alone. He was all alone. He was cursed to lose everyone and everything he had ever loved in his entire life. He was never enough. He would never be. Nothing he did would ever be enough. Everyone would leave him eventually. He was unlovable. Why did he even think that he was allowed to feel a glimpse of happiness ever in his life? Bianca had chosen to lose all of her memories over talking to him, Rayna had left along with the huntresses of Artemis and Hazel only ever had eyes for Frank anyways. Other people had always been more important than him, he had seen so with Percy and Annabeth.
He would never be able to experience the happiness he had felt back then ever again. He had just been a kid. Now he was older and everything that had ever made him happy was lost. He didn’t have a family like the other campers. He had no one to return to. No one wanted him.
The storm in his head tightened. The howling wind drowned out anything that could provide him with any sort of comfort. He was lost.
His body was numb.
He was exhausted.
His clouded gaze went to the window still covered in ice. The storm outside had gotten stronger, too.
Just like the one in his brain.
He other campers were leaving to spend the holidays with their families while he would spend them here. He had spent the last view Christmases all alone stuck in horrible circumstances. One time he had even spent it being tortured by King Minos in the Labyrinth of Daedalus.
His eyes were burning. There were probably tears streaming down his face but he truly didn’t know what to focus on. There were way too many sensations overwhelming him at once.
Nico didn’t know how much time he spent just laying on the floor, surrounded by the darkness once again consuming his heart. He didn’t even register being carefully lifted off the ground until a sudden feeling of warmth flooded through his body. His mind was so clouded by the ongoing storm in his head that he first did not even see the person responsible for this. However, he had felt this sensation before. This strange healing touch carefully making its way through his limbs and filling him with a strange feeling of comfort. It took him a while to calm himself down at least a little bit but after a couple of minutes the healing magic finally worked.
The dark veil in front of his sight slowly faded and allowed him to rest his gaze on a bunch of golden curls and sky-blue eyes.
“Nico- Oh god, Nico. I am so sorry I didn’t come sooner. I should have known when you didn’t show up for dinner, I am so sorry, my love”
The storm of thoughts in his mind had finally quieted down a bit, too. Now he could finally understand what the person holding him was saying. Wait- When had he even been lifted off the ground and into a pair of strong arms?
A warm hand brushed his cold forehead, pushing the dark bangs out of his eyes and sending another comforting sensation through his body.
“Will” Nico’s voice was barely a whisper as he finally recognized his boyfriend.
Will.
His wonderful boyfriend. The literal personification of sunshine and comfort. He was literal perfection and Nico honestly didn’t deserve him. The son of Apollo didn’t deserve a suffering boyfriend he had to find laying on the floor of his cabin panicking.
Tears filled his eyes once again once that thought started consuming his mind.
“No no no. Stay with me, babe, please”, he could hear his boyfriend almost demanding him, “Take deep breaths, yes? In and out. You can breathe with me if that is making it easier for you. I can make the start. In and out. In and out. In and out. See? It’s okay, you are going to be okay. You are safe here; nothing can hurt you. I promise. Not as long as I am here”
“Will”
Nico finally allowed himself to move his limbs again. His arms wrapped themselves around his boyfriend’s neck almost automatically as he buried his face in the crook of his neck, finally allowing himself to let go and sob openly into his lover’s embrace. Will simply held him close to his chest, soothing stroking up and down his back in an attempt to calm him down.
“You’re save, darlin’. I promise”, he whispered into Nico’s hair, pressing a short kiss on his temple. “You don’t have to be embarrassed. Everything is fine. It’s okay not to be okay, angel”
“Are you going to leave too to spend the holidays with your mother?” The sudden question probably took Will off-guard but he slowly shook his head after only a few moments.
“No, darlin’. I told you that I can’t join her… Why are you asking, my love? Did something happen? I would never leave you alone here. Especially not during the holidays. I don’t want you to spend them alone ever again”
Nico hadn’t even explained the entire situation to him and yet his boyfriend knew exactly what to say to him, even without hearing about his dream. The son of Hades couldn’t put in words how incredibly grateful he was to have him.
That only made the thought of one day eventually losing him even worse.
He didn’t know how much time passed. He simply stayed in his boyfriend’s embrace for what seemed like a comfortable eternity until he was eventually lifted off the floor and onto the bed. He already wanted to protest but Will simply laid down next to him before pulling him on top of his chest once again. He did not ask what had caused his panic attack. He did not pressure him to talk. He simply stayed quiet, wordlessly letting Nico know that he was there for him. That he was both loved and not alone anymore.
Nico almost felt bad for thinking that he was all alone in this world. Will had always been there to catch him in his arms if he was falling apart.
Silently Nico watched as the storm in front of the window eventually died down – just like the one dominating his mind. The howling of the wind had been silenced long ago. Instead, he could now comfortably listen to the regular beating of Will’s heart and the way he breathed out.
“I dreamt of my mother”, Nico finally broke the silence, “Of my last Christmas with her and Bianca before… before everything happened. The last time I was actually able to spend a calm holiday. I could see her… I could see our old home and Bianca’s smiling face and… It just hurts so badly, Will. I can’t remember the sound of her voice anymore. It’s just gone and I am scared that one day everything of her will be gone. And… the past few years I have just never been enough for anyone to spend the holidays with them. I lost decades in the Lotus Hotel, I was stuck in the labyrinth with an awful ghost, I was running around in the underworld doing shitty tasks for my dad to avoid Percy Jackson and his girlfriend… Then I was stuck in Tartarus… I… I can’t even remember…”
What it is like to be wanted somewhere. What it is like to have a calm and lovely Christmas with the ones you love.
The words died in his sore throat again.
Will did not interrupt him and instead patiently waited for him to finish his rambling before he finally tightened his grip around the son of Hades’ fragile body. He had gained some of the weight back he had lost throughout the years but he was still so skinny, it worried Will.
“Oh honey”, Will finally said, “I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to go through all of this. But I can assure you that I will make sure that your future will be painted differently, my love. I promise. I am here now. I won’t leave your side and I am going to give you the best Christmas you have ever had, just so you watch”
“Bianca said too that she won’t leave… and Jason” Nico truly didn’t want to be so pessimistic about it but he couldn’t help it. Will just pressed another kiss on his forehead, burying one of his hands in Nico’s dark curls.
“I know… I know you lost them and it mist hurt so badly…. But I have no intention to leave whatsoever and even though I can not control what the fates have planned for us, I know for sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, my love… And if I somehow happen to die, you can drag me out of the underworld yourself, do you hear me?” Nico could hear the son of Apollo chuckling. “I know you can do that, little Ghost King. And I know that you won’t hesitate to do it either…”
“Hm” Nico didn’t add anything else to that. The storm had finally died down, leaving his mind almost completely blank now.
“Also”, Will added, “You look really cute in my clothes. I can’t believe how big that hoodie is on you, it’s so so cute. I should leave my hoodies at your cabin every day… And I brought you some food. When you didn’t show up for dinner, I wanted to bring you something to make sure you eat… I am sorry I didn’t check in on you sooner. I just assumed that you wanted to be alone for a little bit. I did not know…”
Nico shook his head. He didn’t like it when Will blamed himself for his panic attacks. It truly wasn’t the medic’s fault. He had his own duties and his own responsibilities. He couldn’t look after the son of Hades every time.
Afterwards the room went quiet again. Nico had closed his eyes. His mind was so blank now, it was hard for him to actually think of anything properly.
He hadn’t even realized that, in his state of almost dozing off, he had started humming a melody he hadn’t gotten to hear in literal decades. However, his boyfriend had noticed. Will pushed the bangs out of Nico’s forehead once again as he started playing with his boyfriend’s hair.
“What are you singing? It sounds beautiful”, he wanted to know, “You don’t have to tell me though if you don’t want to…”
“Ah-“
Nico freed himself from Will’s embrace and sat up on the bed, bringing his knees to his chest and resting head on top of them.
“One of my favourite songs from my childhood… my mother used to love music. She would always sing at home or let the radio or stereo play some songs… the sound of music has always filled our home, I just… I kind of miss it”
“What is it called?”
Nico hesitated. He normally didn’t share these sorts of things with other people. He felt weird talking about songs from the literal 1930s. It was not exactly the taste of music a teenager from the 21st century would have. However, this was Will and he wasn’t exactly a regular teenager either. Also, his mom was a country singer, Nico doubted that anything could surprise him.
“It’s called come take a trip in my airship”
“Do you mind singing it for me? I would like to hear the text… and I love your voice. Ironically enough you are the better singer despite me being the son of the literal god of music”
“Yeah and your mom is a country singer. The talent really decided to skip your entire generation”
“Rude”
Nico had to chuckle upon seeing the fake pout on his boyfriend’s lips. Will had always been good at easing the mood.
Finally, after awkwardly looking at his cold hands for what seemed like an eternity, Nico’s voice filled the room. It was still raspy and hurt a little bit from the crying earlier but Will was right. The son of Hades had an ironically angelic voice.
“Once, I loved a sailor
Once, a sailor loved me
But he was not a sailor
that sailed on the wide blue sea
He, sailed in an airship”
Will listened quietly, letting Nico slowly drown in the song before pulling the son of Hades up to his feet. The smaller boy did not even protest as he knew exactly what the other was about to do. It was not the first time Will had asked him to dance. It was stupid. They were alone in the ice cold Hades cabin with snow covering the windows and entrances. Nico had just gone through a literal panic attack and they had no real music to dance to.
But it did not really matter because they were together.
One of Will’s hands wrapped itself around Nico’s waist as the other grabbed his own hand in a strong and protective grip. The son of Apollo slowly moved his boyfriend in the tact of his raspy voice as he continued to sing the song which had accompanied him throughout the different Christmases at his home back at Italy.
“Come take a Trip in my Airship
come sail away to the stars
We'll travel to Venus
we'll sail away to Mars
No one will see while we're kissing
No one will know as we swoon
So come take a Trip in my Airship
and we'll visit the Man in the Moon”
“No one will see while we’re kissing, huh?”, Will asked chuckling as he leaned down to softly graze his lips over Nico’s. It was just a short peck but it was enough to leave the son of Hades with a blush on his cheeks. He rested his forehead on Will’s shoulder and inhaled his scent. Cinnamon, freshly-made hot chocolate and a weird undertone of the hand-sanitizer they used in the infirmary. He smelled even better than his hoodie he was still wearing. He smelled even better than the kitchen after his mother had made fresh cookies.
No- Will did not smell like cinnamon, hot chocolate and hand sanitizer.
Will smelled like home.
“One night while sailing away from the crowds
we passed by the Milky White Way
While idly drifting, watching the stars
he asked if I'd name the day
Just by the Dipper, I gave him my heart
the sun shone on our honeymoon
We swore to each other, we never would part
and we'd teach all the babies this tune”
Will was slowly turning him now, so Nico was able to look at the window. The glass was still frozen in a beautiful snowflake-like pattern. The other kids had left. It had already gotten dark outside and the snow was shimmering under the full moon. Christmas was approaching. It was only five more days until then. And even though the last few years had been absolutely horrible for Nico, he knew for sure that Will wouldn’t let him alone this time. He knew that the son of Apollo would sail with him along the stars if that meant distracting him from the storm sometimes forming in his head. He knew that for the first time in decades he would not spend the holiday days curled up all by himself.
“Come take a Trip in my Airship
come sail away to the stars
We'll travel to Venus
we'll sail away to Mars
No one will see while we're kissing
No one will know as we swoon
So come take a Trip in my Airship
and we'll visit the Man in the Moon”
Nico suddenly stopped moving, much to Will’s confusion. However, he did not protest as the younger boy wrapped his arms around his neck to pull him down for a short kiss. He simply moved his second hand to his waist as well to pull him closer to his body.
“Merry Christmas, Will… I know it’s not Christmas yet but I want you to know that I am looking forward to spending it with you this year”
The son of Apollo gave him a warm smile. One of the smiles only he could muster.
“Merry Christmas, Nico”
For the first time in decades the storm was completely silent.
And Nico knew that it would not ruin this year’s holidays at least.