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I have seen the best of you, and the worst of you, and I choose both. (x)
Afterwards, he will wonder what the chances were of them walking in right then. Like, sure, the chances of them walking in during an argument are probably pretty high, given the fact that Ronan and Adam are constantly arguing. But right at that exact moment — the moment when he forgot himself for the first time ever in front of him — the odds of that have to be almost negligible.
But it happens, because all of their lives are astronomically fucked-up and because God probably hates him.
It's something irrelevant, because it's always something irrelevant, because the real arguments, the ones that seem to form an invisible, unbreakable wall between them, are the ones they'll never talk about. The ones that are about who they are fundamentally, things that they'll never be able to change. The ones that he doesn't know if they can survive. The ones that will only pose a problem when the impossible happens. The ones Ronan will want to bury so, so far down inside of them that they'll never be able to dig them up.
But it'll always be right in front of their faces when they look at each other.
So, instead, they keep yelling at each other through the glass, making sure they're seen and heard. Making sure they can't avoid each other, even if they're avoiding everything else.
They're just filling up the space, with noise and words and insults that never quite hit their mark but just glance off of the walls or each other, hoping it's enough.
Blue and Gansey happen to walk in just as he says the one thing that lands right where it was supposed to go, where he never intended it to go.
They both stare at him like he's said something unforgivable. Like this is the end. Like there's no going back from this.
Adam's somehow shrouded in shadow in the corner of the room now, like he's taken a step back instinctively. Or more than one. Like he took it right to the chest.
"Did you just —" Gansey starts, and then shakes his head like he's not sure he's allowed to speak.
Blue tries to shoot him a look of warning, but it's half-hearted, like she doesn't know if she should be scolding Gansey for being tactless at this particular moment in time.
That's really what makes him think, Holy fucking shit.
Adam just says, with the smallest strain in his voice, "I'm just…going to go, guys. See you later."
Blue just looks at him sadly now, like the full weight of understanding's hit her. "Oh, Ronan."
*
"So, you told him," Gansey says, when they're sitting on the couch about forty minutes later.
"Yes," Ronan says, jaw clenched.
"But he already knew."
"Yes."
"So, why…?"
Ronan glares at him in a way that usually precedes cold-blooded murder.
"Okay, okay. I'm just trying to figure this out, man," he says, almost apologetically.
Ronan sighs. It's useless. The only people who can figure them out is them and they've pretty much made an unspoken vow to never, ever do that.
He wants to say, It's complicated, but those words will never come out of his mouth as long as he lives.
"Maybe we should have left," Gansey says, like he's been puzzling it over, like it's something to be fucking analysed and picked apart. It's not; it was just a huge fucking mistake and it wasn't going to end any other way.
"It wouldn't have changed anything," he mutters.
"I will literally never understand you two," Gansey says, getting up and walking towards the kitchen.
He stops at the door and turns around, though.
"Does he know how long you've liked him?"
"What does it —"
"It matters. I mean, I saw it happen. I saw when you stopped being a dick to him."
"I never stopped," Ronan says stubbornly.
"Yeah. Right," Gansey says with a truly impressive amount of sarcasm, before disappearing into the other room.
*
He's just driving around aimlessly, while very intentionally not going anywhere near St. Agnes, when he ends up at Blue's house.
The thing is, he's not even entirely sure when it happened. When he stopped being annoyed at Adam for taking Gansey away from him and changing him at the same time, into something he wasn't when it was just the two of them. And Blue's done the same thing. It's taken a while to realise that his Gansey's still there, but he needed this, needed all of them, to feel like he really belonged. Maybe Ronan needed it too.
He sits on the front steps next to her, and she should look tiny in comparison, but she doesn't. That's the thing about her; she refuses to be anything less than what she is. Adam's like that sometimes, too, even if he doesn't know it. Maybe that's what it was.
"I didn't know. I mean, maybe I did somehow. But Gansey never told me." She says it like it's important that he knows this.
"Is it weird?" he asks, feeling like he's closer to her than he was a day ago.
"No, no, I mean — Adam and I, that wasn't. It wasn't about us, you know? Not really."
"Sometimes, I don't know if it's really about us either." And that's the worst fear in his heart. That something else is manipulating his emotions. His own loneliness or confusion about himself, the darkest parts of him that threaten to consume him.
"What do you think it is?"
"I think — I want him to not be afraid. But it's selfish."
"You want him to not be afraid of you?"
I want to not be afraid of me.
"Yeah. And himself."
"You really love him," Blue says, and it's not a question. Just an interesting observation. Like something falling into place, making sense for the first time.
Ronan doesn't know if he's ever consciously thought the words, if he's ever let himself. Love doesn't feel right, most of the time. Love isn't an action word. Maybe it isn't a verb at all. It's a state. In love. There's no real start or end to it. It just exists. He doesn't want to love him; he wants to know him. He wants to learn him. He wants to see him.
He wants to give himself to him. Completely.
*
Adam's sitting on his bed when he gets back. He drops down next to him with a heavy sigh. Part of him just wants to lie down and close his eyes and not think or talk about this at all. Part of him wants Adam to stay and fall asleep next to him, without speaking, without touching, just knowing he's there.
"Gansey called, said we should probably talk," Adam says. It's quiet but determined.
"Why are you listening to him?" He's not angry, really. But this is between them. Like it's always been.
"Because — because he's right. Because this is stupid."
"Why is it stupid?" It's been working, hasn't it? Looking without acknowledging? Talking without admitting? Well, it was, until he fucked it all up.
Adam just looks back at him.
"Don't," Ronan warns.
"What?"
"Don't condescend to me. I know you hate when Gansey does it to you."
"Can we not talk about him?" Adam says sharply. And his attempt to provoke an argument is unsuccessful for probably the first time ever. It really is totally fucking screwed now.
"Why not? You're here because of him."
"Ronan, just, stop. I'm here because of you." The look in his eyes says, Just stop. Stop pretending.
"We're not doing this. Not like this." It comes out choked and kind of awestruck, because this is not happening.
"Why not?" Adam actually looks like he's hurt now.
"Because it's — it's a terrible reason. This whole thing is just one big fucking joke." They'll have to put up with teasing from Gansey and Sargent and fucking Noah for the rest of their lives if this is how it plays out.
"You said I had a pretty mouth, Lynch," Adam says, amused. He's looking way too pleased with himself and Ronan is about to just fucking call everything off.
"I didn't — I didn't mean to. I meant to say you have a stupid, annoying mouth that I can't stop thinking about."
"I think you just did it again," Adam says softly, looking sorry and tender at the same time.
"Yeah, I did, didn't I?" And it's all over.
Adam's fingers reach up to lightly graze his cheekbone. He lets out a tiny gasp, and then takes his hand in his own and brings it to his mouth to gently brush his lips over his knuckles.
Adam's staring at him like he never, ever wants to stop. Like he could stay here forever. Like he's seen inside of him and still won't run away. Like he's chosen all of him.
He moves closer to him on the bed, breathing heavily, and one hand is on his thigh and one's still tangled up with Ronan's, and they've never been this quiet with each other, ever, it's like all the static between them has been muted, and there's nothing in their way.
Adam's mouth is a fraction of an inch from his own when he says, "Don't be afraid."
Ronan nods, closes his eyes.