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It was raining, again. The road was empty except for one car, moving down the road with Sebastian in the driver’s seat. His eyes were fixed on the road, but next to him Joseph was mindlessly staring out of the window on his side, barely registering his surroundings. They had been stuck on the crime scene for ages, it felt like, and night was already falling. It was cold and wet and everything was turning a darker shade of gray. Joseph didn’t pay attention to that, he was focused on keeping his gloved hands in fists, focused on not looking at his partner, focused on keeping the vulnerable and injured him hidden from everything and everyone. He didn’t notice Sebastian glancing at him with a worried look and he didn’t react when Sebastian sighed very audibly.
“Joseph.”
At his name, the younger detective did turn to face Sebastian, but he didn’t say anything. The look on his face was empty, but tired. That made sense, after everything. After the shit that happened at Beacon Mental Hospital. Everything had been crazy, still was, but Joseph didn’t need or want Sebastian protecting him like a little child, so he pretended like everything was fine. Like he didn’t wake up from a nightmare almost every night. Like he didn’t remember everything. But he did, far too well for his own liking. The gun he had grabbed from Sebastian, the gun he had pressed against his temple, the gun he had intented to fire. Sebastian had stopped him there, had saved him. And for what? To prolong his suffering, because there was no saving him after that. The darkness, the fear, the pain, it was inside him.
The car stopped suddenly and yanked Joseph out of his thoughts. He looked over to Sebastian, asking: “What was that for?”
He sounded as confused as he looked, but Sebastian’s face was like stone. He didn’t flinch, he didn’t blink, he looked angry.
“Get out of the car”, he said with the same tone he used on criminals.
“What? Why?”
“Because I’m telling you to do so, and I’m the senior detective. Joseph, get out of the car”, Sebastian repeated. He then opened the door on his side and got out of the car, closing the door surprisinly calmly. Joseph sat in utter confusion for a while before finally pushing open the door on his side and following Sebastian’s actions. Sebastian was leaning against the car with his back turned to Joseph.
“There, I’m out of the car. Now tell me why”, Joseph said. Sebastian didn’t speak for a long while, and it was still raining. The rain made Joseph’s shirt stick to his skin uncomfortably. He thought about getting back into the car, standing in the rain this long was stupid.
“I’m worried about you, Joseph”, Sebastian finally said, so quietly Joseph could barely hear him over the sound of the rain, but then he continued a little more loudly: “I’m worried about you, and this isn’t what we do. We don’t let emotions affect our work, but I can’t help it… Not when you’re right there, all the time. You’re at work all the time. You can’t possibly be alright and it scares me.”
His voice was strained, like he struggled to say those things. Which he probably did, as Joseph was pretty sure the only person who Sebastian had ever shown kindness and compassion was Myra. And that story hadn’t ended well for either one.
“I’m fine. Sebastian”, Joseph finally said. Too little, too late. And it’s not like it wouldn’t have been a lie if he’d said it earlier. Everything was a big lie, had been since they had stepped out of the hospital. It was a fragile lie built upon pain and fear.
“And Myra is waiting for me at home with my daughter, that’s great. Stop talking to me like I’m dumb. I just want the truth. That isn’t so hard, is it?” Sebastian asked. Joseph sighed, rubbing his temples before leaning his elbows on the car, head hanging low.
“I can’t, Seb. You don’t… You don’t understand. You couldn’t. It’s not that simple. So please, just let it be. I am fine. Pretend that’s true and move on”, he said. He didn’t lift his head to look up when he heard the footsteps, but he could tell it was Sebastian walking around the car and stopping right behind him.
“Fucking stop that!”
His shout was loud and it startled Joseph. As he turned around. Sebastian grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and somewhat violently pushed him against the car, pressing himself slightly too close for comfort. To his surprise, Joseph didn’t smell alcohol in Sebastian’s breath.
“I’ve watched you almost die too many fucking times, Joseph. I’m not gonna watch you do that again, I’m not gonna fucking let you do that to yourself. So stop with the bullshit and talk to me!” Sebastian shouted. Joseph stared at him quietly for a moment, face free of any expression.
“Yeah, because I didn’t have to watch you do it yourself or anything. Remember that, Seb? The alcohol, after the fire? After Myra’s disappearence? Me draggind you home in the middle of the night because you were too drunk to even remember your own goddamn name? Ring any bells?” Joseph asked, anger growing louder in his voice. Sebastian let go of him and took a step and a half back, staring at his partner in dead silence. Then he punched him in the face, splitting his lip and almost knocking out a few teeth. Joseph cursed, spitting out blood and then wiping some of it away with the back of his hand. The blood stuck to the leather of his gloves, but he didn’t pay any attention to that. Instead, he provoked Sebastian, shouting: “Is this what you did to Myra? Beat her up when you came home drunk? Did you hit her too hard, or is did she just leave, you pathetic coward!”
Sebastian didn’t hesitate this time. He hit Joseph in the stomach as hard as he could and Joseph bent forward, gasping for breath. He wasn’t given a moment to recover, because Sebastian grabbed him again, forcing him to stand up straight, to look at him. Joseph took hold of Sebastian’s wrist with both of his hands, but he didn’t try to get away from him, didn’t kick or try to hit. The rain made Sebastian’s long hair stick to his face and it spread the blood down Joseph’s neck.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Sebastian asked, tone too loud for how close he was to Joseph. Silence followed. “Answer me!”
Sebastian pushed Joseph backwards as he let him go and as a result, Joseph stumbled and fell, landing on his knees to the wet and muddy ground. It was still raining. As Sebastian looked up, he realized that a thunderstorm was most likely approaching. He didn’t want to be there when that happened. He didn’t want to be there right now; his clothes were wet and his trenchcoat even heavier. An unexpected sound startled him and he turned to look at Joseph. He was still on his knees on the ground, face covered by his gloved hands, sleeves still pulled up to his elbows. He was sobbing. And he was shaking, but that might’ve also been the cold.
“Sebastian, I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore…”, he mumbled from between sobs, looking up at the older man with bloodshot eyes and tears and raindrops running down his cheeks.
“Fuck…”, Sebastian muttered as he kneeled in front of Joseph, firmly but not violently grabbing his wrists. Joseph’s eyes moved between the other man’s face and the gun in its holster.
“Joseph, no. We’re not gonna go down that path again. Do you understand me?” Sebastian asked. Joseph avoided his gaze, biting his lip and choking back tears.
“Do you understand me?”
His words were so clear and slow it was like he was talking to a child that wasn’t obeying him. Joseph nodded. Slowly. Numbly. He didn’t really understand what Sebastian wanted him to realize, he didn’t know what path he was talking about. Just that the gun was there, so close, so goddamn close and yet he could not reach it, could not grab it.
Sebastian slapped him and then cupped his face with one hand to force Joseph to face him.
“Joseph! Fucking listen to me. It’s in your head, it’s all in your head. Give that up, just forget it. It doesn’t exist, so it can’t matter. This does, do you feel it? The cold, the rain? That’s real, and I’m gonna carry you to the damn car if you don’t get up soon because you’re not getting sick”, he said.
“But it hurts”, Joseph whispered, eyes watering up again. Sebastian looked confused. He frowned, looking at Joseph in silence as an attempt to get him to talk about it more. But Joseph just looked down to his lap, at his hands.
“What hurts? You’re not making much sense”, Sebastian asked eventually.
“I… I don’t know”, Joseph said. He looked surprised and his voice was unsure. Sebastian couldn’t conjure a full image of the situation no matter how hard he tried. Joseph’s speech was too full of holes and blanks that Sebastian couldn’t fill in. He got up, not bothering to wipe off the mud on his pants. Joseph looked up at him and then stood up.
“C’mon, let’s take you somewhere warm and not rainy”, Sebastian said.
*~*~*
Had it been any other day, any normal day, Sebastian would’ve dropped Joseph off at the younger man’s apartment, but not today. Today, he drove straight to his own place. It was closer, and he didn’t really want to leave Joseph alone. He had been alone before, of course he had, had been alone all the time, every night after Beacon. But it wasn’t like Sebastian had known exactly how fucked up everything was. If he had, he wouldn’t have let Joseph out of his eyes.
They took the elevator up to the floor where Sebastian’s apartment was. It took him a moment to find his keys, but then he pushed the door open, letting Joseph in first. Joseph stood awkwardly in the doorway to the living room as Sebastian took off his coat.
“The bathroom is to the right. Go get undressed and take a shower, you’re shaking. I’ll bring you some clothes”, Sebastian said. Joseph obeyed without even a thought of an objection. It was somewhat worrying, but perhaps he had just stopped caring, stopped fighting. Sebastian waited behind the bathroom door until he heard the familiar sound of running water. He went to his wardrobe, frowning at the clothes. Joseph was smaller than him; shorter and skinnier. Most of his clothes would be far too big for the younger man. From the back of the wardrobe, Sebastian found a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that was slightly too small for him. They would have to suffice. He grabbed a towel on the way and knocked on the bathroom door before entering. Joseph’s clothes were in a pile on the floor and the man himself was showering behind the shower curtain. Sebastian could see the steam rising from the water.
“Joseph, it’s just me with a towel and some clothes. I’ll leave them on top of the laundry machine. Take your time, no hurry”, he said. He waited until Joseph nodded and then left, taking Joseph’s clothes with him to go hang them up to dry somewhere. After that, he went and changed his own clothes, drying his hair with a towel a little bit before wandering back through the living room to the kitchen wearing an old pair of jeans and a grey t-shirt.
As he remembered, there was very little food in the fridge. Today’s case had pretty much ruined all of his plans to go to the grocery store. Sebastian grabbed an apple from the stand and checked the cabinets for coffee.
“Hallelujah…”, he muttered as he went to make coffee. After that he went back to the living room, sitting down to the sofa to eat his apple. A few minutes later Joseph stepped out of the bathroom, looking a little uncomfortable and very small in Sebastian’s clothes. Sebastian covered his small fit of laughter as a cough, but judging by Joseph’s disapproving look, he didn’t do it too well.
“There’s coffee. Mugs are in the cabinet right above it, milk’s in the fridge. Come sit here, but don’t spill the coffee everywhere”, Sebastian said. Joseph glanced towards the kitchen, but then he just sat down to the couch, next to Sebastian, not too far but not too close.
Sebastian got up and he was about to leave when Joseph reached for him, fingers brushing against Sebastian’s leg. He turned around to look at Joseph who scooted closer just to grab Sebastian’s hand. Such physical contact was very odd and unlike them, but Sebastian didn’t necessary want to pull his hand away. Not that he was gonna get all fluffy and romance-y with Joseph. He just wanted to protect the poor kid.
“What’s wrong?” he eventually asked, trying to distract himself from his thoughts.
“I… I don’t want… I don’t wanna be left alone”, Joseph stuttered. He looked very vulnerable with his watery eyes and trembling lips. Sebastian cursed himself for caring so much. Where is your professionalism? he asked himself as he sat back down, taking both of Joseph’s hands in his.
“Joseph, I… This is so not what I do. This is so not what I should do, but… Oh no. No no no. Don’t cry. Jo-Joseph. Look at me. It’ll be alright, just stop crying. I don’t know what to do with you”, he said. Joseph was blinking rapidly, probably trying to stop crying but mostly failing at that. Sebastian looked at him, eyes wandering from his eyes to the mark on his lip. He brushed his thumb over it ever so lightly.
“Sorry about the first punch. That was unnecessary. The second was justified, you went too far”, he said.
“I’m sorry”, Joseph replied, lowering his head. Sebastian resisted the urge to run his fingers through Joseph’s hair.
“I know.”
Joseph looked up. Sebastian leaned closer, cupping his face with both of his hands. Joseph looked very confused for a moment before Sebastian’s lips met his. He closed his eyes, as had Sebastian, and placed his hands to Sebastian’s sides. He kissed the other man back, tilting his head to the side a bit so that his glasses wouldn’t collide with Sebastian’s face. Eventually, it was Sebastian to pull away first. He gave Joseph a small smile and then caressed his cheek softly. Joseph took a deep, shaky breath in and lowered his head again as he breathed out.
“Sebastian… This… I don’t trust myself. And I’m tired. Can I just go to sleep and… And we’ll talk tomorrow? Please?” he asked. Sebastian didn’t know if he should feel hurt by that. It was a pretty harsh rejection, but on the other hand it was very true. Joseph looked like he hadn’t slept properly in weeks.
“Yeah. Yeah, of course. You can sleep in my bed, I’ll take the couch. The bedroom’s over here”, Sebastian replied, getting up and heading to said room. Joseph followed him without a word.
Sebastian stopped at the door, turning on the lights and letting Joseph in.
“I’ll be in the living room if you need anything”, he said before leaving and closing the door behind him. Joseph ran a hand through his still damp hair and sighed, looking at the bed. It was neatly made, something Joseph hadn’t exactly expected from Sebastian. He didn’t have enough energy to observe the room any more, so he just took off the pants and crawled under the covers, putting his glasses on the bedside table. Joseph registered that the pillow and the blanket smelled faintly like Sebastian, and for some reason that was comforting. The kiss had been comforting, too, and the clothes. Everything about Sebastian’s presence (when he wasn’t punching Joseph) was comforting. Joseph closed his eyes and hoped, prayed, he wouldn’t have nightmares tonight. He didn’t want to wake up screaming in Sebastian’s house. He wanted to sleep, for once.
*~*~*
The alarm started blaring at half past six in the morning. Sebastian cursed and reached for his phone, turning the alarm off. The sun had just risen and the clouds were lined with red. There were still raindrops on the window, but it wasn’t raining anymore. Sebastian wondered for a second why he was on the couch and not in his bed, until he remembered the night before. He ran a hand through his hair and glanced towards the bedroom door across the room from him. It was still closed and the lights were turned off because he could only see darkness under the door. Joseph was apparently still asleep, which was not that surprising. It was early, but they did have work to do later. Sebastian got up and headed to the bathroom, not bothering to put on any pants. The jeans weren’t too comfortable, but he had more choices in his wardrobe. In his bedroom. Where Joseph was. Sleeping.
“Fuck.”
Despite not wanting to wake up Joseph, Sebastian decided he had to go to the bedroom. He went and grabbed Joseph’s clothes and then headed to the bedroom, carefully opening the door. Joseph was very much asleep, curled into a small ball on the left side of the bed. Everything but his head was hidden under the blanket. His hair was a bit of a mess, but he still looked very cute.
Sebastian tore his eyes away from Joseph and walked over to his wardrobe, quickly finding a pair of pants and putting them on.
“Sebastian?” Joseph asked, voice heavy with sleep. Sebastian turned to face him, buttoning his pants at the same.
“Yeah?” he asked, unable to come up with something intelligent to say.
“Did we um… kiss last night?”
Joseph was squinting at Sebastian, but Sebastian didn’t know if it was because he didn’t have his glasses or because he literally just woke up.
“Um… Yeah. That happened. But I’m gonna go make coffee and you can get dressed, then we’ll talk. Okay? Your clothes are here”, Sebastian said, gesturing towards the pile of clothes he’d brought with him. He didn’t wait for Joseph to reply before he fled the scene. Morning afters were not his area of expertise, and neither was Joseph it seemed.
Joseph sat up, rubbing his eyes before putting on his glasses. He accidentally knocked over a photo that was on the table next to his glasses. He quickly picked it up, hoping he hadn’t managed to break the glass. His heart skipped a beat and he cringed. The photo was of a woman and her daughter. Myra and Lily. And the glass was broken to two pieces.
“Shit.”
Sebastian was not going to be too pleased about it. Joseph got up and changed his clothes. And out of politeness, he made the bed and folded the clothes Sebastian had borrowed to him, leaving them on top of the bed. Lastly, Joseph put on his gloves. They felt familiar and that was reassuring. There wasn’t any reason for Joseph to be as nervous as he was. It was only Sebastian. They had worked together for years. Last night’s incident couldn’t possibly ruin everything.
At least that’s what Joseph hoped.
Sebastian was leaning against the kitchen counter with a cup of coffee in his hands. His cigarettes were on the counter, but the place didn’t smell like smoke at all.
“I don’t smoke indoors. Myra didn’t let me, especially after Lily’s birth…”, Sebastian explained. Joseph nodded slowly. Sebastian put his own cup down and gave another one to Joseph, nodding towards the coffee machine next to him. Joseph poured himself some and got the milk from the fridge. His hands were shaking, but Sebastian pretended not to notice.
“Sebastian, I broke the glass on the picture of your family”, Joseph said suddenly, breaking the silence. A smile of sort appeared on Sebastian’s lips.
“It’s fine. I’ll replace it”, he replied. He’d broken it himself before. He had thrown quite a few photos into walls at one point, including the one he now kept next to his bed.
“Oh. Okay.”
Joseph had expected more of a reaction from Sebastian, but it was better if he didn’t get angry at Joseph. They still needed to talk. Before work, ideally.
“We need to talk”, Joseph continued. Sebastian nodded and the smile faded away.
“Yeah. I guess we do. But you have to start, because I honestly have no idea what’s going on in that mind of yours”, Sebastian replied. Joseph put his cup down and then looked back at Sebastian, studying his features in silence. His own face was unreadable to Sebastian, but that was usually the case. Sebastian was more experienced in police work, but Joseph had studied people all his life.
“I really care about you, Sebastian. But… But we’re not supposed to do this… And I don’t have a good feeling about it. You still wear her ring. I… I can’t force you to let her go. So it’s better if we pretend that last night didn’t happen”, Joseph said. That was a harsh rejection if Sebastian had ever seen one, and he couldn’t help but feel a little hurt. But on the other hand, Joseph was right. Sebastian still wore his wedding ring. It was more out of habit than anything else. But Myra was… She was gone, and Joseph was right there, within arm’s reach. And he was asking Sebastian to ignore everything that had happened lately. Like it was a possibility. Like he had already done it himself.
“Okay. If that’s what you want, okay. But we better get going soon, don’t wanna be late from work.”
Sebastian finished his coffee and walked past Joseph, who was surprised by the answer. He hadn’t expected Sebastian to give up, to let him say that and not fight against the thought. But Joseph had gotten what he’d asked for. He couldn’t back off now. He wanted to, so badly, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t have what he wanted. Not now. Not with Sebastian.
-THE END-