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Bellamy didn’t expect it to be a paradise up here. But Murphy is struggling, and Bellamy doesn’t know what to do.
Yes, he knows that they both should be grateful – the two of them and five others managed to survive Praimfaya. Using their brains and their hearts, plus a lot of hard work, more than a little luck, and a sacrifice on Clarke’s part, they made it up to the ring where they will spend the next five years. They have air and water and they will have food once Monty’s algae farm starts producing – which is fortunate since they are nearly out of the rations they brought.
But Murphy’s moods are all over the board, and Bellamy really knows that something is wrong since Murphy isn’t even bothering with his usual sarcastic humor. He’s just turned sullen and quiet. And the two of them haven’t even kissed or touched for days even though they’ve been together since the dropship camp.
Murphy’s not going to last five years like this. Bellamy has to find a way to bring him some comfort. To connect with him like he did back at the dropship camp.
***
Bellamy paces around the ring. He walks to the control center where Raven and Emori are at work. Then he heads towards the area where Monty has set up his algae farm, and then over towards the room where Echo is doing combat training with – and pummeling – Harper. Having made one full round, Bellamy turns and retraces his steps.
Raven gives him an irritated look as he makes his way back towards the control center.
“Stop walking so much,” Raven says. “Monty’s gonna remind you that we need to save our calories for combat training.”
“Can’t do combat training if I can’t move,” Bellamy grumbles back at Raven. “Still need to take a walk every now and then.” He doesn’t realize it, but he glances in the direction of Murphy’s room.
“Would you just go talk to him?” Emori asks, her voice surprisingly gentle. It is clear who she is referring to. “The rest of us aren’t exactly enjoying Murphy sulking around all day.”
“You cheered him up back at the dropship camp.” Raven then adds, with an illustrative hand gesture, “So…go work your magic now!”
“Okay. I’ll wave my magic wand.”
He realizes he’s grumbling again. And grumbling isn’t likely to win Murphy back. Bellamy thinks back to that dropship camp when he and Murphy first reached for each other. He loved Murphy’s drive, his fight, his will to stay alive. Bellamy then takes a second to wonder what was it about himself that Murphy found appealing? Yeah, apart from the way he looks shirtless and apart from the fact that he’s a good kisser. Perhaps Murphy liked the way Bellamy took charge, the way he functioned as leader. (Sure, Clarke also took the reins but no one would deny that most of the 100 regarded Bellamy as just as much – if not more – of a leader). And lately Bellamy hasn’t been leading. He’s been floundering a bit, watching Murphy flounder. He’s been pacing around with no plan.
So maybe it’s time for him to lead again. To demonstrate a bit of what must’ve initially attracted Murphy. Not just for the purposes of getting Murphy in his bed again – though that would be nice – but of getting Murphy to feel better and be happier.
***
Bellamy knocks on Murphy’s door. He doesn’t expect a reply, and he doesn’t get one.
So he knocks again. This time he hears a “Go away.”
“Murphy,” he calls out. “I’m comin’ in.”
Despite his words, Bellamy pauses, his heart pounding. He waits. Murphy doesn’t yell out a ‘go to hell’ or anything along those lines – in fact, Murphy doesn’t reply at all. Bellamy takes a breath. If leadership qualities are what attracted Murphy to Bellamy then he decides to show them now.
He opens the door and walks in.
Murphy is sitting on the bed, playing with a cat’s cradle. Bellamy takes a few steps towards the bed, kicks off his shoes, and wordlessly sits down next to Murphy, his back against the headboard.
They sit in silence. Bellamy decides this is actually not so bad. Murphy’s not kicking him out, not making sarcastic comments. And it just feels good to be here with Murphy, to feel his warmth against him. Just like in those first, pulse-pounding days at the dropship camp. No matter what horrors the day had thrown at them, Bellamy had been able to return to his tent and lay at Murphy’s side. To cover his lips with kisses. To feel the heat of his embrace. At least right now Bellamy is able to feel some of that again.
Murphy eventually puts the cat’s cradle down. “We need better distractions up here,” he says.
“Maybe Raven will scrounge up some games on the computer for us,” Bellamy offers.
“I think that’s pretty low down on her ‘to do’ list.”
“Yeah.” Bellamy exhales a bit. He’s just glad that Murphy is talking to him, and not making any attempt to move away from him. He remains there, with his shoulder pressed against his boyfriend’s.
“’Course that’s the problem, isn’t it? Raven and Monty got endless stuff to do. You and Echo spend the day training everyone else to do combat. Meanwhile, I’m worthless. Just a cockroach eating up our rations and breathing up our air.”
For a split second, Bellamy considers reaching for Murphy’s hand or making a dramatic gesture where he turns to face him and cups his chin. But no. He knows his boyfriend well enough at this point to gather that Murphy doesn’t quite want that. What they have right now – sitting side by side and not looking at each other – seems to be helping Murphy to open up.
“Go on,” Bellamy says gently.
“Just feels like life’s a fucking joke at times. I survived my dad getting floated and my mom hating me for it. Survived the sky box. Survived getting tossed out of the Ark.” He pauses. “Then things got better. We got together.”
Bellamy notes that Murphy’s voice just got quite a bit softer with that last sentence. He can feel Murphy’s body loosen up too. And Murphy continues, “It was good. We enjoyed a few sunsets together. A few fresh berries.”
“Went swimming a few times too,” Bellamy adds with a smile.
With a smirk Murphy continues, “Then it turns out that the idiots who built the nuclear power plants didn’t think of the fact that they’d go boom a hundred years later, and we’re back up here. Right where we started from. Not gonna go swimming again any time soon.”
Bellamy is quiet for a bit, wanting to let Murphy know that he’s taking in his words. “You know what I’ve always loved about you?” he asks, turning to look at Murphy. “You always find a way to survive. To go on.”
“Yeah, but that’s all that I’m doing up here. Surviving. I’m not helping with shit.”
“Okay,” Bellamy says with a shrug. “Then so what? Maybe we don’t all have to constantly be useful. We’re the last of the human race, along with the 1,200 people with my sister inside the bunker. Maybe it’s enough to just exist.” He adds, “Without having to constantly prove how fucking useful we are.”
Murphy is quiet now. Bellamy thinks that Murphy might actually be taking in his words. He remembers, back at the dropship camp, Clarke shaking her head and telling Bellamy ‘You’re the only person Murphy listens to.’ He suspected back then that Clarke was right, and he suspects it again today.
“Yeah,” Murphy says at last. “I think you’d be better off with someone smarter or tougher than me. Echo. Raven.”
“I don’t want either of them,” Bellamy says simply. And then, his voice passionate and throaty, he says, “I want you.”
And then it is Murphy reaching for Bellamy’s hand. He holds it. Bellamy has always been a bit awed at how soft Murphy’s touch can be. And at the way it makes his heart leap.
“Kiss me,” Murphy says.
Bellamy turns towards his boyfriend. He manages to keep his excitement and a dizzied sort of happiness from overwhelming him. He presses Murphy’s lips to his own. It starts out as a gentle kiss, the touch of two outsiders who found solace in each other and have never let each other go. It soon becomes passionate, even a bit desperate. Bellamy shifts his weight, rolling Murphy underneath him as he draws the man he loves closer and closer.
Much later, Murphy drowsily says, “That’s the best sleep I’ve had since I got back to this tin can.”
“What about the stuff that came before the sleeping?” Bellamy chuckles.
“Yeah, that was pretty good too. No complaints.”
Bellamy smiles and he feels warm. He suspects they are going to be okay up here.
THE END