Chapter Text
He used to say the hardest thing he ever went through was the burpees he had to do at the start of every football season. They were grueling, tough, and exhausting. However, it was nothing compared to this. This was watching your soul shatter in a wood chipper. And trying to keep that feeling from ever reaching his face was a never-ending drill each day. However, he kept up with it. He wouldn’t let her go through this alone.
It had been three days since Amelia woke finally. New Year’s Eve would be upon them before they knew it, and instead of ringing in the new year happily, they were all gathered in Amelia’s private room. A nurse had taken her upstairs just a few minutes ago for more tests, which it seemed the hospital was doing almost every day.
At the light knock against the closed door, the small group of seven glanced at it, watching a familiar petite blonde therapist walk into the room.
“Dr. Sloane.”
“Hey, guys.” She smiled, meeting each of their gazes briefly. “Mind if we have a quick chat?”
Ethan felt the fear instantly rush through his body at those words.
Dr. Sloane didn’t wait for their reply, likely knowing them well enough by now to understand they were worried by her appearance.
“I’ll make this brief.” She closed the door behind her before she approached.
The suspense was going to kill them.
“Is everything all right?” Ethan couldn’t hold back his curiosity as it mixed with fear.
“Yes and no.” She offered him a kind smile before her eyes wandered over to Amelia’s parents. “I’m not going to sugarcoat it here. Based off her latest session just an hour ago, the probability of her developing full clinical depression has increased quite a bit. We knew there would be a dip, but she’s falling faster than I originally anticipated.”
“What about her meds?” Slider questioned.
“I’m going to increase the dosage, which as I’m sure you’re aware, she’s going to struggle against at first like she did last time. However, she’s beginning to show worrying signs, and I very much would like to get ahead of it before it becomes too much of an issue with her. I want to make this recovery as easy as possible with her.”
“What sorts of signs?” asked Maverick.
Dr. Sloane nodded, having anticipated this question clearly. “She believes she’s become a burden to all of you. That you’ll leave her because of it.”
Ethan’s eyes widened, feeling Amelia’s grandfather gently rest a hand on his shoulder to cause him to let the good therapist continue uninterrupted.
“She has also mentioned offhandedly that she perhaps deserved what happened.”
“What?!”
“I share your anger and frustration here. I do,” she replied, holding her hands up towards them. “However, neither is going to help here.”
“What will?” Penny shifted her two-month-old son to her other arm.
“We have to let her know that whatever she’s feeling is valid. That we hear her. We can’t dismiss her feelings, or she’ll stop express them all together.”
Okay. They could do that. It wouldn’t be easy, but they could do it for her. At least Ethan was pretty sure he could. He could handle her outbursts. He handled plenty as it was the past few days when she snapped at him for his fussing before she eventually apologized for being so horrible with him.
“That said, we also have to be potentially mindful of how we approach her. I’m not saying we treat her with kid gloves or act like she’s going to break. That will have a negative impact. However, we have to keep in mind she just experienced a very traumatic event that her subconscious remembers but she does not. She’s going to be raw while she’s processing all of this. She’s going to lash out, cling to her anger and frustration because for her, those are easier than to confront the trauma that’s suffocating her inside. It’s not going to be easy in other words, but eventually it will get better in time.”
They nodded. They had all experienced one of Amelia’s bad moods since she woke.
“Right now, she’s feeling overwhelmed. In her mind, she just woke up from an awfully long nap. To find she doesn’t have the physical strength to walk anymore. That her independence she’s prided herself on is gone. To her, all of this happened overnight. So, her reactions are understandable I would say. The good sign we have right now is that she’s still trying so hard with her physical therapy, pushing herself through her struggles.”
“But?”
“But after a while of seeing no progress, of fighting as hard as she’s been doing, she’s going to fall into a slump. It happens. And it’s going to be devastating to her at times. That’s why it’s important we pick her up from this. Show her that even if she doesn’t see any progress, she knows we do. That she understands she’s not alone in this fight. That we see how hard she’s working and are proud of her.”
“She knows that,” Bradley frowned. “She knows all that.”
“Deep down, yes, she probably does, but your sister needs to hear the reminders more than ever right now. Her mind currently . . . well, there’s no other way to put it, but that it’s a mess.”
Ethan caught the quick look between Captain Mitchell and Rear Admiral Kerner. Neither man seemed happy to hear this news. In fact, they both seemed almost startled by it.
“She can’t trust her mind right now. I know I don’t have to tell you how terrifying that is. Now, consider this is a fifteen-year-old child we’re talking about here and think on that for a moment.”
Yeah, terrifying wasn’t a good enough descriptor. It was much worse than that.
“Now, from I’ve gathered during our sessions,” Dr. Sloane continued “she’s trying to be strong for all of you.”
“Why?” Jake asked with a slight, pondering frown.
“Because she believes that’s the thing she has to do to make up for what happened.” At their confused looks, she elaborated further. “You see, she’s convinced herself that if she shows even the slightest hint of weakness right now, all of you will leave her. So, in her logic, if she doesn’t become a burden, if she pushes herself constantly and doesn’t rest, you never will leave her.”
“We won’t, though.”
“Saying you won’t is very different from actually sticking by your word,” she replied quietly. “I’ve seen many families go through unimaginable tragedies similar to this. Initially, they all say they’ll stick by their injured loved one but end up eventually unable to as the full family unit. Not everyone can handle it. And if you can’t, that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with taking a step back and offering support in other ways,” she declared, speaking directly at Ethan while addressing everyone in the room.
He brushed off her insinuation. He left Amelia once before, and it ended horrendously. He wouldn’t do it again.
“The very worst thing we could do right now for her is to pretend nothing changed. To give her mind more to twist around while she focuses on healing. She still has her fierce drive for the moment. So, we need to give her every bit of energy and encouragement we can, so she doesn’t lose it. I’m going to need all your assistance with this. Because, and again I’m not going to lie here, she’s already started to make some pretty low, startling comments during her sessions that are very worrying.”
“What aren’t you saying?”
Dr. Sloane’s lips pinched together briefly before she nodded silently. “She’s admitted and shown that she’s currently experiencing flashbacks at times.”
“She’s remembering?”
The seven instantly gasped in shared horror. They each thought something different.
“She’s remembering something,” Dr. Sloane corrected quietly. “However, when I start to try to get her to discuss it, she switches the subject or shuts down on me. And we absolutely cannot let her shut down completely.”
They nodded.
“Her mind right now is severely wounded. There may not be actual physical injuries to show it, but I assure you it is there. So, we have to keep her talking. Keep her trying. Even when it seems it’s the absolute worst thing for her, we have to push her. This is vital to her recovery. Because, right now, she’s sticking with her usual resiliency that we know she has, but she’s going to tire eventually. She’s going to be worn down, beaten, exhausted from all the hard work she’s done lately. It’s going to catch up to her.”
That was something her physical therapist had warned them over as well.
“Her recovery is going to be slow. It’s going to frustrate her to the point where she’s going to be downright harsh even. If we think her quips and snappy remarks were brutal before, I assure you the worst is yet to come. However, it’s important we keep pushing her even then. Not too much that she thinks she has to in order to please, but just to get her to see that she is making progress. See all that she’s done so far. That you’re with her. Don’t correct her if she says something you think is wrong. Let her know instead that you heard her. Let her speak. Because we have to keep her talking, even when it's going to be very difficult to listen to her rage.”
Penny and Mav glanced at one another, silently communicating before Slider and Amelia’s grandfather joined in. Jake and Bradley nodded in absolute agreement of their roles.
“Thank you, Dr. Sloane.”
She nodded towards them before her eyes fell back onto the teenager. “Let’s step out into the hallway, all right?”
Ethan somehow made sure not to flinch before he silently followed her out. “Look. Let’s just get this over with, okay? I’m not leaving her.”
“Again, you mean?” she replied softly, watching him with a guarded look.
At that prod, he tensed, a fist clenching at his side. He knew he was wearing his damn heart on his sleeves and showing his belly, but he didn’t have the strength to hold back that truth this time in order to play the good kid.
“Your father told me you haven’t left her side since she came here. Not since the day she woke up and learned what happened. He said you’ve been recently cutting classes to come here even.”
“Just say what you’re going to say.” So, he could get back in the room. He tried to ignore the panic rising the longer they stood outside her room. He knew she wasn’t in there. That she was upstairs for yet another test, but he didn’t ever leave her room for more than a few bathroom breaks lately.
“You’re not being here is not going to—”
“Who said I’m not going to be here? You?” he bristled at her words, tensing more.
“Take a breath for me, all right?”
Complying, he drew in a deep breath before his shoulders sagged again. His irrational panic eased a bit. His mind at least didn’t race anymore.
“I understand you’re reasoning,” she said softly. “You feel responsible for what happened.”
“Because I am.”
“No.”
He glanced away and clenched his jaw. He was, though. He did this.
“Why do you think that?” Dr. Sloane asked a moment later. She then gently rested a hand against his arm. “Ethan, please help me understand. Why do you believe you’re responsible?”
Wasn’t it obvious? He thought it was. “Because I took her there.” If he hadn’t, she wouldn’t have been at the party. She wouldn’t have been near Colby. She wouldn’t have had to defend herself alone.
“Did you want to go to the party, though?”
They had discussed this all before previously. A few weeks ago, in fact, if he recalled correctly. He understood her tricks. What she was wanting to remind him of again. He sighed, shaking his head.
“Why did you go then?”
“She didn’t want the night to end. To have me drop her off yet. But I should have listened to my gut and took her home.” God, he was such an idiot. His hands angrily clenched his shaggy hair, tugging on it hard to feel the familiar pain that settled him. He stilled when he felt her hands on his wrists.
“Amelia isn’t the only one here I’m worried about, Ethan,” she admitted softly.
He released his hair, letting his hands fall to his sides. Deflect. He needed to deflect here. Otherwise, she was going to step in like she warned. “I’m fine.” Yeah, even he didn’t believe his lie.
She gave him a gentle smile, though. “I wish I could believe that, but I think deep down even you know this isn’t the way.”
He grasped onto the fleeting anger that was rolling off him.
“What else am I supposed to do? Huh? Sit around at home? Go to school? Pretend nothing happened? That she’s just out sick instead of fighting every day to move a foot even?”
“Have you done my homework assignment yet?”
He shook his head silently. He had meant to, but each attempt ended in him slamming the notebook shut and shoving it as far away from him as it could go. A few times his father had stepped into his room to check on him after Ethan had thrown the notebook as hard as he could against a wall.
She nodded in understanding. “She’s not the only victim here, Ethan. When Colby went after her, he also went after you. Do you remember me saying that during one of our sessions?”
He nodded lightly. Yeah, he remembered it. And he supposed he understood why she believed it.
“It’s why you bulked up like this while you waited for her, isn’t it? So that if it ever happened again, you’d be ready.”
He glanced away but eventually nodded again. The words slipped free from his lips quietly, “I let go of her hand.” God, how he wished he hadn’t done that. Had kept her safe like he should have.
“Did you know this would happen to her?”
“Of course not!” he practically snarled back before he inhaled deeply to shove away the anger.
“Exactly. You had no way of knowing. And you’re being pulled away isn’t why she’s here.”
“I was away from her for ten minutes, Dr. Sloane. If I had just held onto her harder . . .”
“The boys who pulled you away from her,” she interrupted. “They eventually admitted they were following Colby’s orders, didn’t they?”
He nodded.
“So, you holding onto her longer, harder even, wouldn’t have helped. Would it have? Because Colby targeted her the second that he saw her. You know this. You admitted as much to me before. So, you also know just as well as I do that if he wouldn’t have gotten to her at the party, he would’ve tried elsewhere. He wouldn’t have stopped until he tried at least once. People like him rarely do.”
“I was supposed to protect her,” he whispered, staring at her pleadingly. “And I failed.”
“And you will fail her again, Ethan, if you stay on this path.”
“What?” He took a step back, confused by her words. No he wouldn’t. He was stronger now.
“You’re running yourself into an early grave, young man,” she sighed quietly. “You’re focusing everything on her and letting your own needs fall to the side.”
“Because they don’t matter.”
“Because you don’t matter, you mean?” she stated, observing him closely.
“I didn’t say that,” he snapped, standing straighter than before to hold back his anger again. “And you just said we need to focus on her. On giving her everything we have. I’m doing that.”
“Yes, you are,” she said, nodding in agreement. “To the detriment of yourself, though.”
“I’m fine.”
“Really?” She raised a brow at him. “When’s the last time you ate?”
“Breakfast.” At least he was pretty sure that was it. He remembered eating breakfast someday.
“Where you had a granola bar, right?”
He huffed, glancing away. She must have run into his dad at some point. He knew she was right, though. He was putting every single one of Amelia’s needs before his own. But he had to. Because he hadn’t done it before and look what happened.
“Ethan,” she said softly, regaining his attention. “I’m going to ask that you stay away from here for at least the next week.”
“What?” He inhaled sharply, eyes widening. “No! You can’t do that!”
“I can, and I am. You need time away from here. To learn to trust that she’ll be okay. She’s surrounded by her family.”
“And, what, I don’t count?”
“You haven’t eaten in over eight hours, Ethan,” she stated flatly.
Had it really been that long? He glanced towards the clock on the far wall, finding that she was telling the truth. He hadn’t noticed it had been that long.
“So? I’ll eat more.” He shrugged, needing to stay with Amelia.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t. As your therapist, I can’t allow you to stay with her.”
“She needs me.”
“Exactly. And if you continue like this, desperately trying to protect her like you’ve been doing, it’s going to catch up to you as well. I’ve spoken to your father about this already, and he’s agreed.”
He shook his head, feeling the familiar panic churn in his gut. She couldn’t be serious.
“Her parents are here. Her family is here. They can protect her while you rest.”
“I-I can’t. Dr. Sloane, you can’t ask this of me. To leave her.”
“Ethan, you’ve been here every day since you were released. Practically from the start of visitor hours to the end. And I’m told you’ve even slept here in the waiting room a few times.”
“So? So has Bradley. So has Jake. So have her parents. What’s so different about me?”
“They’re not sixteen.” She sighed softly. “They’re not being tortured by their guilt. Perhaps her father is,” she conceded a moment later “but he’s distracted occasionally by his son. You, however, are screaming your pain, your guilt over this. And you’re both mirror images of the other.”
“What?”
“You feel guilty for leaving her alone. She feels it for dragging you to a party you didn’t want to go to in the first place. She’s afraid of people abandoning her. You’re afraid of losing her in the crowd. You blame yourselves for what happened when you both know the fault likes with Colby, not with you. It took you so much to talk with her. To work up the courage and introduce yourself. Do you remember telling me that? But for her, talking with you was natural, instinctive even. She trusts you, while you can’t even trust anyone much less yourself around her. I could continue, but I think you see my point. You’re mirror images of one another, which is why I can’t allow you to be near her right now.”
“Y-you can’t . . . please . . . I . . .”
“Ethan,” she sighed softly again “I wouldn’t be doing my job if I allowed this to continue. You two need to be apart. Just for a few days. You can return in three days.”
“What about her PT? She has it for three hours every single day. I could help her with it.”
“No.”
“Please, Dr. Sloane.” He didn’t want to leave. “Don’t send me away from her.”
“It’s not forever. It’s just for a few days. So you can rest.”
“I don’t need to rest.” Even as he said it, he felt the exhaustion bust through the walls he held it behind to keep going.
“You do,” she replied firmly, clearly not going to budge on this. “You need to rest, eat, recharge. It’s only for three days. And I’ll even compromise and say you can talk to her via FaceTime. But you can’t be here, Ethan. Her family will keep her safe. She’ll be protected. You have to learn to trust that again. That she’ll be okay without you nearby.”
“She needs me here,” he said, shaking his head. He couldn’t believe this. She was sending him away? Amelia’s fiercest defender out of all of them? She couldn’t be serious.
“Ethan, go home.” Her lips pinched together slightly when he didn’t move. “Go home before I call security and have you escorted out of here.”
“Why are you sending me away like this?”
“Because you need to take a break. You both do. You’re constant reminders of your shared guilt. So go home. Eat. Sleep. Spend some time with your sister while she’s here. Be with your dad. Do whatever you need to recharge. You can come back on New Year’s.”
He shook his head. No. He wouldn’t leave Amelia.
“Ethan, this is for your own good.”
“Is it her family? Did they say something? Did I do something wrong? What was it?”
She sighed, shaking her head quietly for a moment. “What’s your first thought when you wake?”
His eyes narrowed for a second before he shrugged. “I don’t know. If Amelia’s awake yet, I guess. If she slept at all. Why?”
“Everything you do now is for her.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“It is when it’s a result of you not dealing with your guilt over the event. When you’ve convinced yourself that if you even leave for more than a bathroom break practically, something bad will happen to her.”
“You said she needs someone fighting for her. Someone getting her to talk. I can do that!”
“I’ll explain it to her. I’ll tell her I’m the reason you’re not here. That I sent you away so you could take the time to rest properly. Get a decent meal in you.”
“She’ll think I’m abandoning her.”
“You’re not, though. You’re just separating yourself from her for a bit per my orders. I need both of you to be apart for three days. To reset your minds. To give you the clarity to see that this . . . this panic you feel . . . you need time to deal with that. And once the three days are up, you can return. I need you to take this time, though, Ethan. She’s going to need you, and you’re going to need your strength.”
He stared back at her in absolute disbelief. This couldn’t be happening.
“It’s just three days. And you can feel free to talk to her through FaceTime. Just not here in person. All right?”
Numbly, he nodded. Deep down, he knew Dr. Sloane was just doing her job. However, in that moment, he hated her for this.
“Can I at least say goodbye to her?”
“No.”
He inhaled sharply.
“But she’s going to think I left her again.”
“Ethan, listen to me very carefully.” She placed her hands on his shoulders, meeting his gaze. “You were outside when Colby drugged her, right? Doing a keg stand if I remember correctly?”
It took everything in him not to vomit at the words. Instead, he nodded jerkily.
“And you were only away from her for ten, maybe fifteen minutes. When she made it up the stairs and realized what happened, she went into action. She did that without you. She fought him off and got herself out. She made sure to call her dad even, let him know what happened so they could find her in time. She did that on her own.”
“She shouldn’t have to do everything on her own.” Shouldn’t have to expect that even.
“No, you’re right. She shouldn’t, but she did. And right now, her recovery requires her to be away from you for a bit. To process her feelings fully without interruption, without worry. Quite frankly, young man, you’ve done far more than enough for her these past two months. Now, you need to rest. You need to go home and recharge. So when you come back, you can give her everything again.”