what time is it where you are?

Everything is ready.
Luke has watched Ashton lose his head the last few months trying to get everything sorted — filling out forms, renewing his passport, applying for a visa, enrolling in courses — but there’s nothing left. They’re at the airport, Ashton decked out in luggage and dressed for a bitterly cold New York, and until he lands, there’s absolutely nothing more for him to do. The visa came through; his passport is in the clear; he has a fully-scheduled courseload and even a dorm room waiting for him at NYU.
Everything is ready for Ashton to leave. Everything except Luke.

Notes:

happy songfic fest day!! this fic was very enthusiastically (and with great difficulty) written for The Great 5SOS Songfic Fest of 2022, organized, as always, by the eminent hazel allsassnoclass. someone submitted jet lag by simple plan and i was like "hey, i've always wanted to write this as a songfic!" so whoever submitted that song, i hope i did it a shred of justice. this fic is absurdly long for the song it's based on, yes. get over it.
as per uszh (uje? ushe??), shoutouts go to hazel and megs for getting me through the slog that this fic sometimes was and always being my rubber duck, whether voluntary or simply by virtue of being unable to avoid me. love you guys.
important disclaimer: parts of this fic are meticulously researched and parts of it are hilariously fabricated. to be safe, i ask that you suspend disbelief whenever possible. if any NYU or USydney students are reading this, i am so sorry.
obviously, the title is from jet lag by simple plan, a song that absolutely fucks and i highly recommend. tw for a couple scenes with alcohol/drinking, and that's about it. go forth and prosper.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

DAY 0

The sky starts turning orange, and Luke quietly thinks about how this is their last sunrise together.

He shouldn’t be surprised, then, when Ashton murmurs, “Last sunrise, huh?”

They always find themselves on the same page.

“Yeah,” Luke says, forcing his voice to stay level. Keeping his tone calm. He is not going to break down crying at their last sunrise. And besides — “Well, not last forever. It’s only four months.”

Ashton tightens his arm around Luke’s waist, and Luke tries his best to shift closer. It’s fairly impossible with how they’re already pressed together, but he makes do. “Yeah, I know. But still. Four months. We’ve been doing this for like two years.”

“I know,” Luke says mournfully. Longer than they’ve been together. He tries to infuse some cheer into his voice, because damn it, one of them has to see the silver lining in Ashton studying abroad in America, and it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be Ashton right now. “But imagine how pretty the sunrises will be in New York!”

“Yeah,” Ashton sighs. “But they won’t be with you.”

Yeah.

“C’mon, be positive,” Luke says. “You’re about to do something so cool. People dream of doing what you’re doing. I wish I could come with you.” He nudges Ashton with his shoulder, stifling the rising grief in his chest. “You’re not even going to remember Sydney.”

“Ha, ha,” Ashton says. “I’m excited. I am. It’s just hard not to be sad about it. I don’t want to be away from you for four whole months.”

“I’m not stoked about it either,” Luke admits. He turns to look at Ashton, who’s glowing in the silent sunrise. “I’m really going to miss you.”

Ashton nods, a melancholy look in his eyes. Their sunrise dates have always had this effect on him, drawing his bittersweet to the surface, so Luke isn’t surprised. It doesn’t make Ashton’s giddy shout of joy earlier today any less true. They’re both excited for Ashton to leave. And they both desperately want him to stay.

Luke would never say it, but he thinks he’s closer to the latter end of the spectrum. Ashton is about to go overseas and do a bunch of cool shit in New York City. Luke has absolutely no doubt that two weeks will be plenty of time for Ashton to forget he ever missed Sydney. But Luke will be here, sleeping alone for the next 115 days and missing his boyfriend. Nothing exciting is going to happen to Luke. It scares him to think that Ashton will come back different from when he left, while Luke won’t have changed a bit. It scares him to think they could fall out of sync.

“Let’s just enjoy the last sunrise while it’s happening, yeah?” he says softly, nestling into Ashton.

Ashton tucks his chin over Luke’s head, and they fit perfectly, like they always have. He wraps his arms around Luke’s middle and Luke feels him nod again. “Yeah. Okay.”

With every breath the sun climbs higher, and Ashton’s departure draws nearer. But for now, Luke closes his eyes and listens intently to the sound of Ashton’s heart.

He’ll need to have it memorised if he’s going to survive the next four months.

DAY 1

Everything is ready.

Luke has watched Ashton lose his head the last few months trying to get everything sorted — filling out forms, renewing his passport, applying for a visa, enrolling in courses — but there’s nothing left. They’re at the airport, Ashton decked out in luggage and dressed for a bitterly cold New York, and until he lands, there’s absolutely nothing more for him to do. The visa came through; his passport is in the clear; he has a fully-scheduled courseload and even a dorm room waiting for him at NYU.

Everything is ready for Ashton to leave. Everything except Luke.

Oh, and Ashton’s mum. They’re together at the gate, both in agreement that they would accompany Ashton as far into his journey as conceivably possible. Luke knows Harry and Lauren had to say their goodbyes to Ashton early this morning, and he’s selfishly glad he hadn’t been in the same position. He’s skipping a music theory class for this, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made.

Ten minutes until boarding. “I’m going to run to the loo,” Ashton’s mum says. “Don’t board before I get back, Ashton.”

“I’ll do my best,” Ashton vows.

When she’s gone, Luke looks at Ashton. “So,” he says, swallowing past a lump in his throat yet again. He’s done it several times since they arrived to Sydney Airport. It seems to keep getting bigger. “You’re going back in time. You’ll have to tell me how it is in the past.”

Ashton smiles. “And you’ll be in the future from now on, so you have to tell me if there’s an apocalypse or something.”

There is an apocalypse, Luke thinks. You’re leaving.

He says, “How do I know telling you about the apocalypse isn’t the thing that causes the apocalypse? Classic self-fulfilling prophecy.”

“I would expect you to take that risk anyway on the off-chance that you could save me from a horrible apocalypse death,” Ashton says haughtily, “like all the best protagonists do.”

Luke nods. “You’re not wrong. I would do that. I am not immune to the narrative.”

Ashton laughs. “True. And I appreciate your willingness to potentially end the world just to try and save my life.”

“If that’s not love, what is?”

“Exactly.” They look at each other a moment, and then Ashton sighs and reaches for Luke’s hand. “So what are you going to do? While I’m gone?”

“Uh, cry,” Luke says. “Do homework. Cry more. Probably watch a shit ton of Supernatural . Cry even more.”

“No, that’s too much crying,” Ashton says. He’s cheerier in the daytime, but even still, his smile has a touch of sadness. “You can only have crying on your list twice. Three times is too many.”

“I would argue three times isn’t enough.”

“You’re going to be fine,” Ashton says. “You have Calum and Michael. They’ll be happy to watch Supernatural with you.”

“I know you know that’s not true.”

Ashton chuckles. “Maybe they’ll pity-watch it?”

“That’s almost worse.”

“My point is, you’ll be okay.” Ashton squeezes his hand. “I’m gonna call, like, every other day, and I’ll text you all the time, and you won’t even miss me that much. I’ll miss you like a crazy person, but—”

“I’m confident I’ll miss you more,” Luke says. There’s no swallowing past the lump. His eyes are starting to sting. When he speaks, his voice wavers. “You’re going to be so sick of me texting you every five seconds.”

“Won’t happen,” Ashton says. “Not possible. I’m incapable of getting sick of you.” He leans his forehead against Luke’s and whispers, “Hey, Luke. Don’t cry.”

Luke chokes out a laugh-sob. “Oh, great advice. I should’ve thought of that, thanks.”

“Just…” Ashton wipes a tear from Luke’s eye before it can fall. “Don’t be sad the whole time I’m gone, okay? I’m coming back. I’m not leaving you. Think of how good it will be when we finally reunite in May.”

“May is far,” Luke says weakly. “Four months is a lot. A lot can happen.”

“Good,” Ashton says. “I hope a lot does happen. That way we’ll have so much to talk about every day. And we’ll have tons of stories.”

Luke nods. “I’m expecting endless stories.”

“I promise you stories,” Ashton says softly. “Oh, Luke. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Luke whimpers, burying his face in Ashton’s shoulder. It could be the last hug Ashton gives him for four months, and that’s enough to make Luke never want to let go. Maybe they can trick the airline into thinking they’re one person. If Luke holds on tight enough, they’ll be forced to board them both.

Ashton is warm and sturdy and as comforting as ever. He rubs Luke’s back, kisses Luke’s head, and says lowly, “I think my mum has been awkwardly standing by the loo for the last five minutes trying not to interrupt us.”

Luke manages a laugh. “We’re going to hang out every week and exchange embarrassing stories about you.”

“I was under the impression you did that anyway,” Ashton says good-naturedly. He pats Luke’s back, and Luke reluctantly pulls away. Over the bridge of their conjoined hands, their eyes meet.

“Is she watching us?”

Ashton looks past Luke for a second, then shrugs. “Probably, but she’s trying to act like she isn’t.”

“Good enough for me.” Luke curls a hand around Ashton’s neck and draws him into a slow kiss, savouring everything about it that he’d never thought to savour before. Like how his honey-hazel eyes disappear under dark lashes as soon as their lips meet. Or the way his hands move instantly to cup Luke’s jaw, palms broad enough to cover his cheeks. Up to the way he chases Luke when he draws back, pressing soft, lingering kisses to Luke’s lips until his are dry.

When Ashton opens his eyes, they’re glossier than usual. “I’m gonna go get my mum.” He clears his throat and ruffles Luke’s hair once before stepping past him, leaving Luke to guard the luggage.

In his momentary reprieve, Luke scuffs his feet against the floor and tries to pull himself together. He really, really, really didn’t mean to actually cry, even though in retrospect it was inevitable, but he definitely doesn’t want to cry in front of Ashton’s mum. It wouldn’t be fair for him to cry if she wasn’t, and he’d just feel awkward if she did. A hasty swipe gets rid of the evidence; as long as Anne-Marie doesn’t see his red-rimmed eyes, he should be in the clear.

The Irwins return just in time for Ashton’s boarding group to be called. What had been later suddenly becomes now. This is goodbye. Luke isn’t ready. He doesn’t have a speech. He can’t even kiss Ashton again. Ashton can’t go, he just — he can’t.

“That’s my cue,” says Ashton, and Luke’s eyes burn.

“Oh, my sweet boy,” says Ashton’s mum. Luke stares at the floor while they hug. “I’m so proud of you. Have the most amazing time! Send lots of pictures.”

“You too,” Ashton says. “I want to know what Harry and Lauren are up to every day.”

“You’re going to love it there,” Ashton’s mum gushes. She doesn’t sound choked up. Warmth bleeds from her voice. Luke wishes he could be that composed. “I love you.”

“Love you, mum.” Ashton gently kicks at Luke’s shin. “Luke.”

“Give me a second so I don’t break down crying in front of your mum,” Luke complains, but he looks up anyway.

A crooked smile meets his gaze, so classically Ashton that it hurts Luke to look at. “Can you at least give me a hug before I leave for four entire months?”

“You’re so annoying,” Luke says with no feeling. Ashton stumbles back from the force of Luke’s hug. “I already miss you. It’s not too late to stay, you know.”

Ashton’s arms are viselike around him, and Luke wonders for a second if he’ll ever let go. “I love you,” he tells Luke again, quiet in his ear. “Don’t fall in love with someone else while I’m gone.”

“Won’t happen,” Luke mumbles. “Not possible. I could never fall in love with anyone else.”

Like a summer breeze, Ashton whispers, “See you in four months, sweetheart.”

And just like that, he’s moving away. Luke reaches out but he’s too late; Ashton’s already beyond his grasp.

Helpless, Luke watches as Ashton waves one last time — there’s a glint in his eye but the glossy look hasn’t gone away — and turns to the attendant to scan his boarding pass. A line of other passengers has formed behind him, and as he steps onto the jet bridge, he disappears from view.

One lone tear drips down Luke’s nose. No one wipes it away. A gentle hand falls on his shoulder, and he hears Ashton’s mum says, “You alright, Luke?”

Ashton is gone for 115 days. Luke has chorale in two hours. Nothing in the world makes any sense at all. “Yeah.”

It must be an Irwin trait to tell when Luke is lying, because Ashton’s mum squeezes his shoulder. "Would you like a hug?”

“Yeah,” Luke whimpers, and allows himself to be hugged. So much for not crying in front of Ashton’s mum. It’s not the Irwin he’d have chosen, but it’s better than being alone.

Luke gets the sense that alone is a feeling with which he’ll quickly become acquainted.

DAY 2

(23:41) ashton: Just landed at jfk

(23:41) ashton: So fucking tired 😴

(23:42) luke: didnt you sleep on the plane??

(23:42) ashton: Nahh too sad/excited

(23:42) ashton: I slept a bit but it wasn’t good sleep

(23:43) luke: well at least you can sleep when you get to your dorm

(23:43) ashton: I probably shouldn't

(23:43) ashton: Aren’t you meant to suffer through jet lag or whatever

(23:43) luke: oh i forgot about jet lag what time is it where you are

(23:44) ashton: Nearly 8am Saturday :’)

(23:44) luke: oh man it’s nearly sunday here

(23:44) luke: alright i officially hate time zones

(23:44) luke: but you should sleep anyway so you’re not a zombie

(23:45) ashton: Yeah

(23:45) ashton: But first I have to get off this plane and then I have to find all my stuff and then somehow get myself to NYU

(23:45) ashton: Lots to do

(23:45) luke: you know it’s not too late to say fuck it and come home :)

(23:46) ashton: 💖 I miss you loads don’t worry

(23:46) luke: i miss you too 💕

(23:46) ashton: Oops I think we’re getting up I should go

(23:46) ashton: I’ll call you when I get to my dorm

(23:47) ashton: Unless it’s late for you in which case I’ll call you tomorrow

(23:47) luke: okay

(23:47) luke: love you miss you mean it 💕

(23:47) ashton: Love you to the moon and the furthest stars 💖

DAY 3

When Luke wakes up, there’s another text from Ashton.

(3:12) ashton: I forgot to send this before. First sunrise without you :( it was beautiful but it just made me miss you even more

Attached is a picture taken from the plane. It is beautiful, particularly from above; the small, puffy clouds look like gathered sheep, pink from the rising sun. Luke gazes at the photo for longer than he can reasonably justify.

Their first sunrise apart. First of many.

Most people like the sunset, but Luke and Ashton had always been sunrise people. It felt more special, they agreed, to be awake before the sun. Still, Luke is far from the morning person Ashton is. The only reason he’d ever woken up so early had been to watch the sunrise with Ashton. Even before they got together, these sunrise dates were semi-weekly occurrences, and now Luke doesn’t know what to do.

Is he supposed to keep watching the sun rise alone? Wake himself up in darkness and take himself to the roof of the social sciences building just to watch the sky light up? Or should he resign himself to missing the next four months of sunrises?

The real question is, what’s worse? A sunrise without Ashton or no sunrise at all?

(10:31) luke: :(

(10:31) luke: good morning

(10:31) luke: for me, idk what time it is for you

(10:31) luke: what’s the time difference? 15 hours?

(10:32) luke: so it’s……1am? for you??

(10:33) ashton: It’s half 6pm lol

(10:33) ashton: The difference is 16 hours but backwards for you not forwards

(10:33) luke: hm. well. there's a reason i’m not a maths major

(10:34) ashton: True

(10:34) ashton: I’m at this thing for international students

(10:34) luke: have you made any new friends?

(10:35) ashton: Hard to make friends when I’m stood in the corner texting

(10:35) luke: well SORRYYYY you’re the one who sent me a sunrise picture like that wasn’t supposed to make me miss you to death

(10:35) luke: i’ll leave you to your new international friends

(10:36) ashton: I WAS KIDDING LUKE

(10:36) ashton: But yeah I should probably go be social and meet people

(10:36) luke: two things you’re exceptionally good at

(10:37) ashton: Well one of us has to be <3

(10:37) luke: RUDE

(10:37) luke: but not wrong, ok go make friends i love you

(10:37) ashton: I’ll call when I leave!

(10:38) luke: good ill be catching up on work so interrupt me whenever

(10:38) ashton: Omg no do your work

(10:38) luke: ash if you dont call later because you want me to be doing work i will come to new york just to kill you

(10:38) ashton: I’d like to see you try

(10:39) luke: booking a flight as we speak

(10:39) ashton: Okay I promise I’ll call 💖

(10:39) luke: good

(10:39) luke: might just come to new york anyway

(10:39) luke: i really miss you

(10:40) luke: anyway have fun at your international students thing 💕

(10:40) ashton: I will, and you should do your work now so I can call you later guilt-free

Luke leaves him at that, knowing full well he’s not about to go catch up on work. The semester only just started so there’s no way he could possibly fall behind yet. Besides, he’s only just woken up. First he needs food, and then he needs to force Michael or Calum or possibly both of them to hang out with him so he doesn’t spend the whole afternoon wallowing in his own pain. If it were up to him, he would, but he doesn’t want to have to tell Ashton later that that’s how he spent his day.

He stretches as he gets out of bed, loosening the weird tightness in his limbs. Sleeping feels wrong without Ashton. Yet another thing Luke has to get used to. So much of Luke’s life has been sculpted to fit with Ashton’s, a natural byproduct of being together for more than a year; now that Ashton is gone, Luke’s lifestyle makes no sense. It doesn’t stand on its own. There are gaps where Ashton used to be, and without him things that once seemed complete seem hollow instead.

They’re a duet down one lead vocalist, and Luke can't carry the song alone. He can't do the harmonies; he can't sing in octaves; he doesn't know Ashton's lyrics. It's not that Luke sounds bad without Ashton. It's that he sounds incomplete.

It’s only four months, he keeps reminding himself. 111 days and counting down.

In short order, he’s dressed, a flannel formerly belonging to Ashton draped over his shoulders, because it is his divine right to miss his boyfriend and nobody can stop him. He leaves his room in search of food and tries not to think about Ashton overseas, making all new friends in a brand-new big city, while Luke is stuck in the same city he's been all his life.

He's happy for Ashton. He is. But he's also envious — of Ashton for doing something so interesting and cool, and of New York for the privilege of hosting Ashton until May.

DAY 4

“Hey,” Calum says as Luke takes his seat. “Where were you on Friday?”

Calum is the saving grace of this advanced music theory class. What’s even better is that Calum was smart enough to snag two seats at the back during their first class. They're far back enough that they can chat in low tones even during class without disrupting the lecture.

“Went to the airport to see Ashton off,” Luke says, opening his laptop. “I figured since it’s the first week I wouldn’t miss anything important.”

“Oh, he left already?” Calum frowns. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine,” Luke says, like the liar he is. “ Did I miss anything?”

“Not really.” Calum shrugs. “Okay, I wasn’t really paying attention, to be honest.”

Figures. Calum’s got the worst attention span of anyone Luke knows, eclipsed only by his even worse memory. Luke told him on Wednesday that he’d be missing Friday’s class to go to the airport with Ashton, but he’s not the least bit surprised that Calum forgot. It doesn’t bother him to repeat things. In fact, he has a habit of repeating things, so he and Calum work well that way.

“Well, whatever,” Luke says. “How was your weekend?”

“Eh, you know. Chill. Went to a party with Mike on Saturday night but it was a weird vibe so we left early and watched High School Musical while tipsy, which was actually hella fun.” Calum grins, then looks at Luke. “What did you do this weekend?”

Luke chuckles at the mental image of Michael and Calum drunk-watching High School Musical, then regrets that he didn’t end up texting them to hang out. He meant to — truly — but by the time he’d eaten and come back to his dorm, Ashton was texting asking if it was a good time to call. They spent two hours on the phone, and when they hung up Luke collapsed into bed and cried into his pillow.

Not his finest moment. Needless to say, the motivation to spend time with non-Ashton people had entirely left him.

“Nothing really,” he says, which is not strictly false. Missing Ashton and texting Ashton and reverting to my introvert form don’t really constitute activities as such. “Just sat around and did nothing.”

“In a good way?” Calum asks suspiciously. “Or in a wallowing-about-Ashton way?”

See, that’s the other thing about Calum. He’s eerily perceptive when it comes to people’s feelings.

“Yes,” Luke says. “Shut up, I’m allowed. The longest we’ve ever been apart is two weeks. He’s gone for four months.”

Calum waves him off. “It’ll blow by like—” He snaps. “— that. He’ll be back before you know it.”

“Four months isn’t just going to blow by. And it’s not just four months, it’s a whole semester! His last semester!” Luke groans. “He’s going to come back and immediately graduate.”

“Good afternoon,” says the professor, turning on the screen at the front of the room. “I hope you all had a relaxing weekend.”

Luke presses his lips together and opens up a new document for notes. Beside him, Calum whispers, “Stop thinking so far ahead, mate. You guys are going to be fine. You’re Luke and Ashton. You’re Lashton. I think I’m doing Rebel Wilson in Pitch Perfect 2 right now.”

“You kind of are,” Luke whispers back.

“But my point stands. You’ll be okay. Hey, wanna come over tonight and we can watch something? I’m staying up ‘til midnight for my birthday anyway.”

Fuck, it’s Calum’s birthday tomorrow. Luke definitely would not have remembered that. He copies the slide into his notes exactly as it’s written. “Uh,” he says, trying to work out what time it will be in New York when it’s tonight in Sydney. Between Calum waiting on an answer and the professor speaking, he can’t manage the arithmetic, so he just says, “Sure,” because he wants to celebrate Calum’s birthday, obviously, and also doesn’t want to be rude. “What time?”

“Whenever,” Calum says, good-natured as ever. “Just text me before you come.”

“Okay. Then yeah.”

When Calum looks up at the professor — paying attention for the first and possibly last time this class period — Luke surreptitiously Googles sydney to new york time.

It’s late for Ashton right now, and by tonight it’ll be closer to the morning in New York. Odds that they get to talk are slim, especially because Ashton’s classes start today. Or at least, they will once it’s Monday for him.

Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last, Luke thinks about how much he loathes time zones.

“Hey,” he whispers to Calum. “Can we get drunk and watch High School Musical 2 ?”

Calum beams at him. “Fucking absolutely.”

DAY 5

“So? How are your classes? Tell me everything, I’ve been dying to know.”

“So far I’ve only had two. And they both just went over the syllabus for the most part, but they’re really cool so far. Everyone’s unbelievably nice. I thought New Yorkers were supposed to be mean?”

“Most of them probably aren’t from New York.”

“Yeah, a lot of them are, though. In one of my classes we all went round introducing ourselves and where we’re from and our majors and stuff. You know, normal stuff. About half the class was from New York.”

“Huh. I bet they thought you were so cool and sexy for being from Oz then.”

“Ha. One girl said she could’ve sworn I was from California. I wasn’t really sure how to take that so I just said thanks.”

“Are you settling into your dorm apartment thing? How’s your roommate?”

“He’s really friendly! He’s a drama performance major, so we got on pretty well, and he’s also doing the exchange program, but from the UK. Great guy, you’d really like him. And you would not believe how nice the campus is, as well. USyd’s nice but NYU is right in the East Village so it’s just all mixed in with the city, you can barely tell when you’re on campus and when you’re just…in New York. I mean it is cold as bloody hell, but even still.”

“First day and you’re already turning your back on your roots. Shame on you, Ashton Irwin. USyd is your alma mater. How dare you betray her so quickly.”

“I love USyd! I’m just saying, I was expecting…well, I don’t know. I guess I kind of thought NYU was too good to be true and that I’d get here and it wouldn’t be as amazing as it seems online and from the website and everything. But it’s actually that good. Everything is incredible.”

“That’s. Great.”

“You’d love it. I wish you were here. I wish you could meet Niall — my roommate — I’ve mentioned you so many times already in the like three conversations we’ve had that he’s making fun of me about being one of those guys whose entire personality is his boyfriend.”

“You are one of those guys.”

“Yes, I’m definitely one of those guys. Proudly. Ha, no, but really. Isn’t it early for you? What time is it there?”

“About half ten. I have ear training in half an hour so I’m about to head out.”

“Half ten…tomorrow. It’s Tuesday there, isn’t it?”

“Yup.”

“Man, this time zone shit is really fucking with my head.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. From now on I’m just going to assume you’re always in yesterday.”

“Well how’s the future?”

“Bleak. Lacking Ashton, which is unfortunate for all the Lukes here who were really hoping their future would hold significantly more Ashton.”

“...Yeah. The past is pretty much the same.”

“No, hey, it’s not bleak. You’re thriving! You’re living it up! New York City! NYU!”

“Yeah, but I’m only just getting adjusted and I’m still so jet-lagged. I thought it was supposed to go away after a couple days but for some reason every night I just cannot manage to fall asleep. Now that I’ve said it out loud it may be because I’m really not used to falling asleep without you, but, uh, let’s just say it’s jet-lag.”

“I think it’s more tragically romantic if you say it’s because you can’t fall asleep without me. Very narrative. Very middle-bit-of-the-romantic-dramedy.”

“Yeah, and it’s also just true. … I miss you so ridiculously much. Do I tell you that too often?”

“Not often enough, in my opinion. You’re not meeting your daily quotas.”

“Oh? How behind am I?”

“Several thousand. You better start really delivering.”

“Ha. Noted, I’ll take it under advisement. Well here’s another one: I miss you loads.”

“I miss you more.”

“You know, I really doubt that. At least you’re somewhere familiar and you’ve got your friends. I’m kind of treading water here. A Luke hug would really do me some good right now.”

“I’m sending one through the phone, let me know when it arrives.”

“Mm, got it. Not quite as good as the real thing, but I’ll take it for now.”

“I’m sending a kiss through the phone, too.”

“...I adore you.”

“I should hope so. I’m breaking the bank on express post to get these hugs and kisses to you.”

“You know, Luke, can I be honest?”

“Yes? Of course? I expect honesty as your default.”

“Ha, fair enough. It’s just that, ah, I like it here, and everything’s great, but…I kind of hate that I’m doing all this alone. Like I don’t even have anyone to share this with. I can’t turn to you and be like, ‘Luke, isn’t this so cool?’ because you’re not here. And, I dunno, maybe it’s just because it’s so early and I haven’t made any really close friends or anything, but. I just. I miss you, like, really a lot. Like…more than anything at the moment.”

“...I know. I mean, I don’t, but I do. I wish I was there. But it definitely is just because you only just arrived. You’ll make friends in no time, because you’re Ashton Irwin and that’s what you do, and you’ll feel less terrible soon. Your roommate’s also doing the exchange program, right? So maybe he knows the feeling. You could ask him.”

“...Yeah, that’s true. I hadn’t thought of that.”

“And you can let him know that I need him to deliver you a hug on my behalf. Not the kiss, though, I’ll save those all up and give them to you all at once when you get back. But he should definitely deliver the hug. Tight as possible.”

“I’ll let him know.”

“Um, I— I should probably go, my class is starting in a bit. Unless you want me to stay on? I can skip ear training.”

“No, no. I feel better talking to you. And stop skipping your classes for me!”

“Never. You’re, like, the number one reason to skip a class. In legitimacy and hotness.”

“Pfft, well I don’t need you to skip this one. Go learn things. I love you. Thanks for, you know.”

“Of course, Ash. Anytime. Love you miss you mean it.”

“Love you to the moon and out to Pluto and back. Talk to you later.”

DAY 9

They're officially halfway to breaking the record for longest time apart. Not that Luke's obsessively keeping track.

He's starting to feel like Matt Damon in The Martian, though, one step away from drawing tally marks on his wall to count down the days until Ashton returns. It is not particularly encouraging to him that he's identifying with a fictional character who was stranded alone on Mars. When he shares this thought with Michael, Michael agrees. And laughs.

"But maybe you should try it," he adds as an afterthought. "Might make you feel better."

"Yeah, I'm not that desperate. Yet." Luke sighs. "I am pretty pathetic though, right? I mean, we talk every day. It's not like we broke up. And I know he's coming back."

"I don't think it's pathetic," Michael says. "He's a part of your life. You'd be in distress if I left for four months, too."

Luke considers this. "I guess, but I probably wouldn't cry about it this much."

"My God, Luke. What kind of friend are you?"

"It's different," Luke insists, although he's not sure why he's arguing when Michael is actually on his side. "I don't know why, but it is."

"I'm just saying I don't think you're pathetic," Michael says. "At least not at this stage. If you're still wallowing in a month, then maybe."

"I don't think I'm wallowing," Luke says. He's thought about it, and he really doesn't think he is. Wallowing feels intentional. Choosing to stew in sadness. But that's not what Luke's doing. He can't escape the sadness; it follows him, shadows him, and he feels it whether he wants to or not. "I'm grieving."

He didn't choose this ache. It just happened to him, and now he has to live with it.

"Well he's not dead," Michael says, ever the logical one.

"You can grieve things that aren't dead." Luke kicks his leg out on the floor and watches his shoelaces flounce. "He's coming back and graduating straight away. Neither of us knows what he's going to do, but he won't be here anymore. We already had our last semester at school together. Next time I see him, he'll be, like, a real person in the real world, and I'll still be a uni student."

"Yeah, but he'll still be Ashton. And you'll still be Luke."

"No he won’t, and that's the problem," Luke says. "I don't want to 'still' be Luke because he won't be the same Ashton, and I don't— like, he's in New York right now, meeting people and learning so many new things and— and I'm still here, doing the same things I always did. He's going to change there, I know he is, and that's good, change is good, but what if I don't?" Luke turns his beseeching gaze on Michael. "Michael. What if I don't change? What if he's different and I'm exactly the same?"

"Okay, first off, you're learning interesting things too, and you are changing, you just probably aren't aware of it because you're yourself." Michael gives Luke an inquiring look. "And what's the worst that can happen? He loves you now, the way you are. So what if you don't change? You're still the Luke that he fell in love with."

"I know," Luke mumbles. "Just…I don't know."

"I think you're overthinking it," Michael declares.

"Of course you do." Luke definitely is, but in his defence, most degrees of thinking count as overthinking to Michael. Michael can be analytical, but he never overthinks: he's the kind of person to make a pro/cons list and actually stick to the winning side. The numbers don't lie, he always tells Luke. Luke has never seen Michael obsess over anything. It must be nice to be that level-headed.

"You know you are," Michael says. "You said it yourself, you talk to him every day. Even if he is changing, it's not like you're going to miss it happening. Same goes for the reverse. You guys will be fine. You always are."

Luke sighs. "Yeah. I guess."

"Okay," Michael says. "Now I really need to finish reading this article. Where's your work? I thought we were doing work together."

"I'm studying," Luke says, turning his laptop round to show Michael. "Lydian mode. Phrygian mode. Aeolian mode. Yaaaay."

"This is nonsense," Michael informs him.

Luke looks at his own screen. "I know," he says grimly. "But it's nonsense I need to pass my exams."

"Well, finish it. The sooner we're done the sooner we can go annoy Calum into finding a party for us to go to."

"That doesn't even sound like fun."

"What? Annoying Calum is the most fun thing ever."

"No, the party." Luke snorts. "I love annoying Calum."

"Oh. Well. I think a party would do you some good. Maybe get your mind off Ashton, or at least so you stop being so emo about it. And you might even meet some new people!" Michael hits Luke at the ankle. “Try new things, Luke. That’s how you change.”

Luke sighs and says, "Okay," mostly because he didn't go last weekend and partly, regrettably, because Michael is right. A party might do him some good, and he can take solace in knowing that if it doesn't, Calum and Michael will be just as happy to head home and watch High School Musical 3 with him.

Except —

"Wait, but who's driving?"

Normally Ashton would drive them in Luke's car. But Ashton isn't here. Yet another empty Ashton-space in Luke’s new Ashton-free life.

"I'll drive," Michael says. "I'm willing to sacrifice a night of drinking if it means you have a nice time."

"Aww," Luke says, a little teasing to cover up the fact that he's actually touched. "You sure?"

"Yup. I'm sure. But none of this happens unless we both finish our shit, so get studying, Hemmo!"

"I'm studying! Stop bugging me and read your article."

Michael makes a face and then goes back to his reading. Luke returns to his music modes, but is quickly distracted wondering what time it is for Ashton. If he's awake. If he's in class.

what time in new york, he Googles.

Midnight. Ashton is probably asleep by now. Him and his old-man sleep schedule, Luke would always joke. Before, the fact that Ashton tried to be in bed before midnight was funny; now Luke slightly resents it. Every hour Ashton is asleep is an hour Luke can't reach him. Full sections of their days are lost to sleep, because the middle of the night in New York is early afternoon in Sydney, and the middle of the night in Sydney is morning in New York.

More and more, they're missing each other. They do talk every day, but often in sporadic bursts, two texts back and forth every half hour.

Luke sighs and goes back to his modes. He's sick of doing mental maths every time he wants to talk to his boyfriend. He's sick of living upside down just for a chance to catch up. He's fucking sick of time zones.

Also, he's pretty done with music modes.

DAY 10

(00:07) ashton: Good morning!!!

Luke is drunk in his own passenger seat when the text comes in. Michael has the wheel; in the backseat, Calum is giggling at something undetermined but obviously very funny.

(00:08) luke: good morning!!!!!!

(00:08) luke: it's actukally midniggt you know

(00:08) luke: midnight

(00:09) ashton: Not for me it isn't

(00:09) ashton: But guess what

(00:09) ashton: IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT

(00:09) ashton: [picture]

A blanket of white covers the scenery in Ashton's picture. The sky is cloudy but bright. It's admittedly very pretty.

(00:10) luke: woajhhhhhhhhh

(00:10) luke: not as beautiful as u though

(00:12) ashton: Are you drunk or just worse at typing than usual

(00:12) luke: drunk

(00:12) luke: mike said i shiuldcgo to a party so i went with himncal

(00:13) ashton: Who's driving??

(00:13) luke: mike

(00:13) luke: he didnt drink

Luke's stomach starts to rebel. Drunk and texting in a moving car is not a good combination. He looks up and out through the front window. "Snowed in New York," he comments.

Michael glances at him. "Huh?"

"It snowed in New York. Ashton says. See?"

Michael gives the photo a cursory look, not enough time to fully appreciate its beauty in Luke's opinion. “Wasn’t the point of tonight to not be emo about Ashton?”

"He's my boyfriend! I’m not being emo!"

"Good," Michael says. "You had fun tonight, right?"

Luke nods slowly. "I think so?" Not as much fun as it would have been to watch a Disney channel original while tipsy, but he can admit this party had been on the less annoying end of the party spectrum. Plus, Michael paid his entrance fee, so the drinks were all free. Free alcohol is always a bonus.

"Good," Michael says. "See? Trying new things can be fun."

"I never said it wasn't!"

"Good."

"He texted me to say good morning," Luke says. "I thought he was asleep. I don't know— I can't do the maths. Are you trying to sabotage me?"

Michael rolls his eyes. Luke cannot imagine rolling his eyes right now without being sick. "Yes, Luke, I hate you and Ashton both so much I want to sabotage your relationship so you're both miserable despite the fact that you're so in love it honestly makes me a bit jealous."

"Aww," Luke coos. "You're jealous?"

Michael looks up at the rearview mirror, even though no one has been behind them and they haven't changed roads. "Not jealous," he amends. Hesitates. "Just, you know. Envious."

"That is the same exact thing."

"Okay, jealous. Whatever. You have it good. You deserve it, it's awesome. I wish I had someone who, like, would study abroad in fuckin' America and still remember to text me good morning."

"C'mon," Luke says. "You could find someone too. There's loads of people out there! Fish in the USyd sea! For you to fish!" He giggles. "For— for you to fish for!"

Michael shrugs. Luke likes this about Michael, that he entertains conversation with Luke even when Luke is drunk and Michael is sober.

"I'm not sure you realise how lucky you are," Michael says. "The confluence of events that led you and Ashton to be together. It's not as easy as you made it seem."

Luke frowns. "It wasn't lucky. I mean. It was lucky. But it wasn't an accident. And it wasn’t easy. I mean. I wasn't like, whoops, Ashton, I just so happen to be single, and he was like oh that's crazy baby me too, let's get together and be in love forever!" His frown deepens. The point has gotten away from him. "Wh…what was I saying?"

Michael laughs. "That it wasn't an accident you got with Ashton, which I know."

"Yes! Because it was on purpose. I had to let him know. That I liked him. That's why flirting exists."

"Easier to flirt with a stranger who doesn't know how you normally are," Michael points out. "Harder when you're already—" He glances at the rearview mirror again as if checking for eavesdroppers. "When you're already friends."

Luke’s jaw drops as he realises — this isn’t hypothetical. "You like someone?"

Michael shushes him aggressively. "Tell the world, why don't you?"

"It's not embarrassing to fancy someone ."

Calum puts his head between the front seats and says, "Mikey has a crush?"

Michael sighs. "No."

"Liar! Totally does. He totally does," Luke tells Calum.

Calum's face changes several times in succession. "Who is it?"

"Like I'm going to tell you two blabbermouths."

"We're your best friends! You have a legal obligation! I told you when I liked Ashton."

"Because I introduced you!"

"Well if it's a friend you fancy then the chances are I know them too."

"No it isn't," Michael says. "I'm not in the music department, we have so few people in common."

"Mikey," Calum entreats, pulling his sleeve like a little kid, "tell us!"

"No, and I'm not discussing this any further with either of you, Christ. Move on. New topic. Luke, how is Ashton finding NYU?"

"Boo, bitch," Calum says snobbishly. "Too good to admit who he fancies like us normies."

Luke giggles. If Michael is voluntarily asking about Ashton, he must be serious about wanting to change the subject, so Luke lets it drop. "Ashton is finding it cold. And he likes it. And his roommate's nice and apparently Irish." Luke clicks his phone on. "Oops, he texted me. One sec."

(00:13) ashton: Did you have fun?

(00:21) luke: yes

(00:21) luke: just learned mikey fancies someone and he wont say who:((+((

(00:21) ashton: You don't know who Michael fancies???

Luke gasps quietly.

Michael says, "Everything okay?"

"Yep! All good."

(00:21) luke: DO YOU?????

(00:22) luke: YOU HAVETOFTELL ME

(00:22) luke: I EPPMSIE NOT TO TELL

(00:22) luke: PROMISE

(00:22) ashton: Hmm feels like I shouldn't get in the middle of this maybe he's not telling you for a reason

(00:23) luke: whyd he tell you and not me??????

(00:23) ashton: He didn't tell me, I worked it out

(00:23) ashton: You could work it out, it's not hard I believe in you

(00:23) luke: so its someone i know

(00:24) ashton: Yes

(00:24) luke: that narrows it down quitecalot i dont know many people

(00:24) ashton: Exactly

(00:24) ashton: Anyway Niall and I are going to walk around in the snow and possibly make snow angels who knows the world is our oyster IT’S SNOWING OUTSIDE

(00:25) ashton: Get home safe text me when you're back in your dorm

(00:25) luke: okayyyy have fun in the snow !!!!!!!!1 i love you miss you mean it 💕

(00:25) ashton: Love you to the moon and the Mars Rover 💖

Curious, Luke looks at Michael. His focus is on the road. They're nearly at their dorm building.

It's not hard, Ashton says, to figure out who Michael likes. And it's someone Luke knows, which means the pool of possible suspects is essentially in the single digits. Someone he and Michael have in common. No, wait. Someone he, Michael, and Ashton all have in common. That narrows it down even further, because Ashton's a year older and in a different department from both of them.

Ashton seems confident Luke will figure it out, so Luke will. Just maybe not while drunk.

The car slows as Michael parks. He kills the engine and says, "Alright, last stop. Everyone out."

"Ugh," Luke says, and climbs out of the car with zero grace.

Michael opens the backseat door, but Calum groans and doesn't move. "Carry me, Mikey."

Michael laughs. "In your dreams, babes. Come on, get out."

He holds out a hand for Calum to use as leverage. As soon as Calum has managed to trip his way out, Michael shuts the door behind him. One arm slides around Calum's waist.

"No falling," he says. Turns to Luke. "You okay to walk, Luke?"

Luke tests his balance. "Yes. Good."

Michael nods. "Great. Onwards and upwards. Let's get home."

They fall into step, Luke forgetting to watch his feet because he's watching Michael, watching Calum lean on Michael. Despite his protests, Michael is all but carrying Calum right now, though he doesn't seem bothered by it. For that matter, he seemed to know Calum would need the support before Calum said anything. And now he’s smiling, small and private, with Calum affixed to his side like a useless prosthetic.

Epiphany. Lightbulb moment. "Oh," Luke says, and breaks into a grin. " Ohhhh."

Michael shoots him a confused look. "What?"

"Nothing," Luke says brightly. "Don't you worry your pretty little head about it, Mikey Gordie Cliffie."

"Oh, that was so offensive. Never say that again."

"Mikey Gordie Cliffie. And Lukey Robbie Hemmie. Callie Tommy Hoodie.”

Calum starts laughing into Michael's shoulder. "Gordie Cliffie," he repeats with glee.

"I hate that. I hate this. I hate you both," Michael informs the pair of them, but Luke knows it's at least half of a lie.

Calum. It's Calum. The mystery object of Michael's affections — it's Calum.

Luke can see, in retrospect, how that may complicate things a bit.

DAY 15

ashtonirwin: Been in NYC for two weeks now and I still cant believe I’m here. Life is so crazy! Here are some cool/weird things I’ve seen in the two weeks Ive been here

michaelclifford: im the rat

ashtonirwin: @michaelclifford I swear down that rat was making direct eye contact with me it knew I was taking its picture. So yeah it could have been you

lukehemmings: whoever took the third photo clearly knows your angles

ashtonirwin: @lukehemmings It was Niall and yeah clearly very professional
niallhoran: @lukehemmings finally some appreciation for my work

lauren_dawkins_: I miss you ashtonnnnnnnnnn

ashtonirwin: @lauren_dawkins_ I miss you Laurennnnnnnnnnn

calumhood: SNOW

ashtonirwin: @calumhood SO MUCH SNOW

niallhoran: team 725 broadway forever

ashtonirwin: @niallhoran Firmly in the 726 camp 😤

DAY 20

“Oh, did I not tell you?” Luke flips onto his stomach and looks back at his screen. “I figured it out.”

“Figured what out?”

Sixteen thousand kilometres across the Pacific, Ashton is also in bed. This is their first video call since Ashton left, and it’s good to see his face, more comforting than Luke wants to admit. Ashton looks the same. That’s a relief. His hair is a bit mussed up and Luke has been fighting the familiar urge to fix it, because, of course, he can’t. Still, it’s worth it for being able to see Ashton’s bright eyes and goofy smile.

“Who Michael fancies,” Luke says. “It’s Calum, right?”

“Yeah, it’s Calum.”

“But that’s perfect! They’d be so cute together. I’ve thought about it.” Luke has. Every single time he’s seen the two of them together since the party, he’s thought about it. And he’s concluded that not only would they be cute together, they’d be perfect. “It would work.”

“I know,” Ashton says. “Believe me, I know. You try telling Michael that he should tell his best friend he has feelings for him. It’s like talking to a brick wall. Every time I brought it up he’d just give me this dark stare until I gave up.”

“I don’t think talking him into it is the way to go,” Luke says. “Michael can’t be talked into things.”

“Hypocritical considering how much he loves talking other people into things.”

“Well I’m obviously not arguing that. But no, this requires finesse. Precision.” Luke gasps excitedly. “ Subterfuge.”

Ashton laughs. “Finally some fucking subterfuge. Our lives were getting boring.”

“I probably shouldn’t interfere,” Luke says, dropping the act. “Right? Like, we’re both galaxy brain geniuses for seeing how perfect Michael and Calum would be, but. I don’t think I’m going to be the one to make them see it, and you’re not here to help.”

Ashton hums. “Yeah, maybe not.”

“Anyway, we don’t know how Calum feels,” Luke adds. “Don’t wanna ruin that friendship if he doesn’t feel the same.”

“Yeah. True.” Ashton sighs and settles deeper into his pillow. “Ah, well. If anything changes you better let me know.”

“I’ll just drop subtle hints. I’ll be like, hey, Michael, doesn’t Calum seem like he would be a great cuddler? ” Luke pauses. “Calum does seem like he’d be a great cuddler, actually.”

“Perfect, then you won’t even be lying.”

“I may get to be subterfugal after all,” Luke says. He frowns. “Subterfugal? Is that a word? Subter…fugitive?”

“Subterfuge-iful?”

“That one.”

“I’m excited for you,” Ashton says. “Keep me updated.”

“Obviously.” Luke hums. “So…what else? Give me stories! I was promised stories.”

“I’m trying to think of stories!” There’s a click in the background. Ashton looks away from the phone. “Oh, hey, man.”

“‘Sup?”

“Just chatting with Luke. You wanna say hi?” Ashton looks back at the video call. “Luke, wanna meet Niall?”

“Fuck yeah I want to meet Niall!” There’s movement on Luke’s screen and then a grinning face replaces Ashton’s. Luke recognizes him vaguely from Ashton’s Instagram.

“Luke!” Niall says cheerfully. “Nice to finally meet you after hearing Ashton talk nonstop about you all the time.”

“Yeah, he’s obsessed with me,” Luke says. “It’s really embarrassing, I know.”

Niall snickers. Ashton, in the background, laughs, “True.”

“But it’s great to meet you too,” Luke adds. “Ashton has told me good things.”

“Good things? That’s shocking,” Niall says, glancing off to the side, where Ashton is most likely sitting. “Considering he’s only ever a cunt to my face.”

“Stop shit-talking me to Luke!”

“Don’t listen to him,” Luke says. “I believe you, Niall.”

“So you’re in Sydney?” Niall prompts. Luke nods. “Sick. I’ve never been. You’ve lived there your whole life?”

“Since birth,” Luke says, trying for a smile, but it’s a grimace at best. “Though hopefully not much longer.”

“Is this your last semester?”

“I have another year,” Luke says. “So no. But once I graduate, I’d love to go somewhere else. Just, you know, somewhere that isn’t here.”

“I feel you, mate. Getting out of Mullingar was the best thing I ever did. And then on top of that, coming to America?” Niall makes a noise of disbelief. “Unreal.”

“Yeah,” Luke says. He tries not to sound envious, but probably fails. “I think it’s so cool.”

“You gonna come visit us?”

Luke laughs. “Sadly, even if I had the time, I couldn’t afford to fly to New York.”

“Ah, that’s a shame.”

“Yeah, but Ashton’s supposed to be giving me loads of stories from all his adventures,” Luke says pointedly. “Not really delivering on that front.”

“Oh, stories?” Niall brightens. “I’ve got stories about Ashton. Did he tell you about the subway incident?”

“When he took the train the wrong direction and didn’t realise for fifteen minutes?”

“No,” Niall chortles, “although that one’s brilliant too.”

“There’s another subway incident?” Luke’s eyes widen. “Tell me right now.”

“Don’t tell this, bro, it’s so embarrassing,” comes Ashton’s voice from off to the side.

“Ashton, what the hell? I can’t believe you’re holding out on me with your subway stories!” Luke says incredulously. “Tell me!”

“Okay, so we’re going to Times Square,” Niall says, ignoring Ashton groaning beside him. “Me and Ashton and these two girls from our building. It’s after the wrong-way incident so Ashton’s got the map on his phone to figure out how to get where we’re going, ‘cause obviously neither of us know how the fuck to find shit in this city and the girls are both from Texas. Anyway. We get on the train. It starts moving. There’s this little kid in the car with us and he’s going down asking everyone else in the car if they’ll donate to his basketball team. Really cute kid, he gets a few dollars, some people ignore him, he moves on.” A pause for breath. “So I’m standing chatting with the girls and Ashton’s sat down still looking at Google Maps, and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t noticed the kid. Kid walks up to him — honestly he had to be six at most, he’s tiny, he’s got a rucksack that’s hanging open and it’s roughly the size of him — and he goes up to Ashton and says, you know, ‘sir, would you like to donate to my basketball team?’ Oh, and he’s wearing this basketball shirt, honestly, he’s adorable. So—”

“I didn’t have any American money, okay!”

“STOP IT, I’m getting to it,” Niall chides. Luke starts giggling. “ So, the kid asks for money and Ashton says, ‘I’m so sorry but I don’t have any cash on me.’ And the kid—” Niall breaks into laughter. “The kid. Out of fuckin’ nowhere, just shouts ‘LIAR! YOU’RE A LIAR!’ and this face —” Another laugh overtakes him. It takes a moment to gather himself. “He makes this face like this—” Niall screws up his face into a scrunched-up pout that immediately dissolves into laughs. “And Ashton makes this face—” Now the expression is one of rising panic. “And says, ‘No, really, I would if I had anything on me but I only have Australian dollars,’ he starts looking up at us like we’ll be able to save him, but there’s nothing we can do, and the kid is still glaring at him with that ridiculous face and so the train starts slowing down and Ashton stands up and goes, ‘Sorry, this is our stop, but good luck with your basketball team,’ and he honestly starts walking to the door. It’s not our stop, by the way, but we all start to follow Ashton because we don’t want this tiny child to ask us for money, and then the kid — and his mum, who’s been sat like two metres away the whole time and hasn’t said anything, by the way! — also start walking to the door because, you guessed it, this is their stop! So now they’re walking to the door, Ashton realises what’s happening, stops in his tracks, makes eye contact with this fucking six-year-old kid and goes ‘oh, this is 23rd Street? Never mind, sorry— mine’s the next one, have a good day’ and does a full 180 , walks back towards us.” Niall has tears in his eyes from holding in his laughter, and now it bursts from him uproariously. Luke is also laughing, though not nearly as much as Niall is. “Oh, man,” Niall wheezes, wiping his eyes. “Ah, yeah, so the kid and his mum get off, Ashton still has that panic face on, and I have never laughed so hard in my life.”

“What the fuck was I supposed to do?” Ashton complains. “Should I have given him Australian money?”

“Oh my God, Ashton,” Luke giggles. “That kid called you a liar to your face, I’m pretty sure you weren’t the problem in the story.”

“It was incredible,” Niall chortles. “You really had to be there.”

“I wish I had been. Not that I’d have fared better if that kid came up to me and asked me for money on the subway, to be honest.”

“Oh, thank God he didn’t come up to me,” Niall agrees. “I did have American cash and I wasn’t planning on giving it to him. He’d have called me a liar and he wouldn’t have even been wrong.”

Luke breathes a laugh. He tries to imagine Ashton on the subway getting shouted at by a six-year-old kid. The word picture Niall’s painted is vivid, but the story isn’t half as funny to him as it clearly is to Niall, and Niall has summed it up nicely: you really had to be there.

Luke wasn’t there. That’s the problem.

“Anyway,” Niall says. “I think I’ve sufficiently humiliated Ashton. I’ll give you back to your man now.”

“Thank you for the stories,” Luke says. “It was nice to finally meet you. And thank you for looking out for my man.”

“It’s an honour and a privilege,” Niall says brightly. “Nice to meet you too.”

The phone changes hands again. Ashton’s face fills the screen, and for a moment he exchanges words with Niall before returning his attention to Luke. “He calls me a liar for every little thing now,” Ashton says. Despite his deadpan, he doesn’t seem too upset. “But he’s a cool guy otherwise, right?”

“Yeah,” Luke says, doing his best to ignore the pang in his chest. It’s not in response to anything in particular, more everything — being an ocean away from Ashton and meeting the person who gets to spend every day with Ashton and being asked if he’ll come visit Ashton but having to say no and you really had to be there and the reminder that everyone else is getting out and going places and doing things and Luke—

Isn’t.

Luke isn’t.

“I wish you could come visit,” Ashton says ruefully. “I miss you.”

“I miss you, ” Luke says; it ebbs and flows lately, but a sudden wave has it crashing over him full force. “I really wish I could visit. I want to be there for your embarrassing subway stories.”

“I promise you do not,” Ashton says darkly. “I’m glad you weren’t there for that ordeal.”

“Okay, but…”

“No, I know.” Ashton makes a face. “I know what you mean.”

Luke sighs. Puts on a smile. “But I’m glad you’re having fun. And making so many friends!”

“Yeah, I suppose. I’ve definitely got more friends than I did when I arrived.”

“Told you,” says Luke. “And how was Times Square?”

Ashton blinks. “Huh?”

“Niall said you guys were going to Times Square. So how was it?”

“Oh! It was crazy. So much to look at, even more than you expect. I thought I told you about it?” Luke shakes his head. “Shit, wait, I have a great picture. Let me send it.”

Ashton’s face freezes in a blur as he taps around his phone for the photo. Luke sighs and closes his eyes. FaceTime is great, but it has one drawback: Luke can't just close his eyes and let his face fall into its natural-of-late frown. He doesn't want Ashton to think the frown is because he doesn't care to hear all about Ashton's New York adventures. It's not. But explaining what it is means admitting to a childish degree of jealousy, plus running the risk of making Ashton feel bad. The last thing Luke wants is for Ashton to feel guilty.

Clearly, Ashton is loving his semester abroad, despite the distance. That should make Luke happy.

"Aha! Okay, I sent it," says Ashton, returning to the FaceTime call.

"Okay let me look," Luke says, closing the call to open his messages. The frown stays in place until sees the photo of Ashton kissing the green M&M on the cheek in the M&M store, and then an unexpected smile breaks through. A laugh, even. "Oh, adorable. How was the M&M store, was it everything you had hoped it would be?"

"It was," Ashton confirms. "I bought pants with green M&Ms on them, I'll show you."

Luke laughs again, and he doesn’t even have to force it. "Of course you did."

DAY 33

First, Ashton paints his nails bright red.

("I thought you refused to paint your nails," Luke says, because until this moment, Ashton always had.

Ashton shrugs. "Yeah, I normally would, but Niall and Harry were doing theirs" — Harry is another new friend of Ashton's, apparently by way of Niall — "and, I dunno, they looked really cool. So I let them do mine.")

Then, Ashton picks up the guitar.

("I've been borrowing Niall's," he says. "Apparently he's got like six back home, which is crazy."

"Six?" Luke has two, a sleek acoustic and a cheap electric that together make up the majority of his net worth. "He must be a proper guitarist. Is he teaching you?"

Ashton shrugs. "Not really. I knew the basics from what you've told me, so I've just been kind of fiddling around on my own time, looking up tutorials and that kind of thing."

"You better not become a better guitarist than me," says Luke. "You can already play drums, and if you also learn guitar you'll officially be more musically gifted than your music major boyfriend, which will be embarrassing."

"I guarantee you I will not get as good as you," Ashton says. "I just thought I'd give it a try.")

Then Ashton gets New York pizza and declares it the best pizza he's ever had. Then he sees Wicked on Broadway and gets to do a talkback with the company through a trip with NYU.

And then Michael sits down next to Luke in class on Tuesday and says, "Hey, wanna come over tonight? I need to re-dye my hair, you could keep me company."

Luke says, "Sure." He says, "You're keeping the same colour?"

"Yeah, it's just a touch up," Michael says.

Luke says, "Do you have any dye left from when you dyed your hair red?"

"Yeah, probably some," Michael says. "Why?"

Red like Ashton's brand-new New York nails.

"Can I use it?" Luke asks.

It’s not that Luke’s afraid to change his hair. He’s just never felt compelled to before now. He likes his hair just fine.

But Ashton likes his nails without varnish, and yet. Ashton was always content to let Luke be the guitarist, and yet. Ashton was never the biggest fan of pizza, and yet.

In New York, Ashton is changing. Even in these small ways Luke can sense a bigger shift, and if Ashton is experiencing a shift, then Luke—

Because what if Ashton comes back different and Luke—

“Here,” Michael says, returning to the bathroom with the bottle of red hair dye. “Can I ask why you’re dyeing your hair now of all times?”

“Why not?” Luke returns, taking the bottle. It’s light. “There’s not a lot left.”

“Yeah, I used more than I remembered. Sorry. You could use whatever I have left of this one.” Michael offers Luke the other bottle, but Luke shakes his head.

“It’s cool, I can do a streak. That’ll look cool, right?”

“It’ll look cool,” Michael agrees. “I didn’t realise you even wanted to dye your hair.”

“I can do things for no reason,” Luke says defensively.

“Yeah, but you usually don’t,” Michael says. “I like that about you. I appreciate your predictability.”

“Too bad. I’m spontaneous now.”

“Clearly,” Michael says, raising an eyebrow. “Okay, well, go crazy.”

“I don’t know how to use this,” Luke says.

Michael chuckles. “I’ll help you do yours and then I’ll do mine.”

It doesn’t take much work, is what Luke learns. Five minutes later, Michael is wearing plastic gloves and asking if Luke is ready.

“Yup,” Luke says, looking at them both in the mirror. “Yes. Do your worst.”

Michael does a laugh that’s also a sigh and starts applying the dye to Luke’s hair. Luke looks down so he can be surprised by the result. Instead he traces music notes on the ceramic sink, trying to remember his part in chorale so he doesn’t fail his first singing test.

“Where’s Calum?” he asks absently. The dorm is conspicuously absent of Calum, but Luke is pretty terrible at keeping track of his friends.

“Footie practise.”

“Ah,” Luke says. “That’s why you asked for my help.”

“What?” Michael sounds legitimately bewildered. “No, I asked for your help because I wanted to hang out with you.”

“Okay,” Luke says airily. “If you say so.”

Michael harumphs. "You think I'm lying?"

“I just think you usually choose to hang with Calum, which is fine. I get it.”

"I don't need to schedule out time to see Calum, I live with him."

Luke hums. “Okay.”

“I’m being serious!”

“Okay, okay, I believe you."

“Calum’s got no idea how to dye hair anyway.”

“Neither have I,” Luke feels it necessary to point out.

"Mate, you didn't have to come."

"No, I want to hang out with you!"

"Then just be grateful I still enjoy hanging out with you, stupid."

"You're the one who should be grateful. I'm gracing you with my presence."

"You're barging into my home—"

"You invited me —"

"And I'm giving you free hair dye services," Michael adds, pulling a tuft of Luke's hair. "I could fuck you up bad right now."

"If you sabotage my hair, I'll kill you."

Michael grins and continues to work the dye into Luke's hair sans comment. That devious bastard.

It's quick work getting the dye into Luke’s hair, and then Luke just has to sit around while Michael does his own. Occasionally he’ll chime in to let Michael know he’s missed a spot, but for the most part they just chat shit, Luke doing his level best not to touch his hair lest he get red on his fingers. Michael says the stain will eventually wash out — he seems zero percent concerned with getting it on himself — but Luke would rather not walk around looking like he’s killed someone, thanks.

Washing out the dye does make him look like he’s killed someone. The water runs red as it pools around the drain and drips down Luke’s shoulders. Luke watches it go, half-heartedly scrubbing at his hair. When the water is finally clear, he turns the showerhead off and grabs the towel Michael left for him, which is stained with hair dye. It’s clearly lived a life. Luke dries his hair with it.

Michael is sat on the floor outside the bathroom, nose in his phone. At the sound of the door, he looks up and wolf-whistles at Luke.

“Wicked,” he says. “You look cool. Did you look?”

Luke barely resists running his fingers through his hair, still averse to having red on his hands. “Not really.”

Michael jumps to his feet. “I have to wash out the dye anyway. Look in the mirror! Appreciate your cool hair!”

Luke does. While Michael hops in the shower, Luke stands in front of the mirror at assesses the new look.

Red. It’s definitely red. His hair is red. Not all of it, but an unmissable strip off-centre. It catches the eye, a shocking change, a different face in the mirror than Luke’s been used to his whole life.

Definitely not the same on the outside. That had been the goal. Ashton’s changing, so Luke’s changing too. This is a big change, isn’t it?

Luke takes a picture, and before he can hesitate, he sends it to Ashton. In the text box, he writes hi :) .

He’s still standing there when Michael comes out. “Well?”

Luke frowns. “Well what?”

“Well what do you think?”

Luke blinks. “You look…the same.”

“Not me, genius, you. Do you regret it? Do you like it?”

“I like it,” Luke says, which he’s pretty sure is true. “It’s cool, it’s…different.”

“Yeah, you’re spontaneous now,” Michael says, grinning.

That’s Luke. Spontaneous now. Someone who does things just for the sake of doing things. It’s laughable to even think. Luke is far from that guy. Michael had him right the first time, of course; Luke is predictable, enjoys a plan, likes to know what he’s getting into before he gets into it.

“Be honest,” he says. “Do you think I’m capable of change?”

Understandably, Michael is bewildered by the question.

“Everyone’s capable of change,” he says.

“Okay, but am I? ”

“Are you someone? Yes, you’re included in ‘everyone,’ so yes, you’re capable of change. Luke, what is happening right now?”

“I just,” Luke says, feeling a bit stupid. It doesn’t help that he knows Michael will think he’s pathetic. “Never mind.”

“C’mon, tell me,” Michael wheedles. “Is it about Ashton again?”

“Isn’t everything?” Luke sighs.

“All your recent mental breakdowns have been about Ashton,” says Michael. “It was an educated guess.”

“This isn’t a mental breakdown.”

“You spontaneously dyed your hair,” Michael says with a shrug. “It’s at least kind of a mental breakdown.”

“You enabled me!”

“Please, I’m not your mum. You can dye your hair if you want to. And anyway, I still think it looks sick.”

“Admit it,” Luke says, sliding to the floor so his knees are eye level. “I’m pathetic. I’m the most pathetic guy in all of Australia.”

“Of course you’re pathetic,” Michael says, taking a seat on the floor across from him.

“You’re so bad at being reassuring.”

“Let me finish.” Michael gives him a look, and Luke huffs. “I was saying of course you’re pathetic, you miss your boyfriend. It’s normal.”

“It’s not just that I miss him. It’s that I— I’m missing him. Things he does. He, like, goes to shows and has new experiences and meets new people every day, without me. Obviously. He’s going to have all these experiences that I won’t be able to relate to. I can be supportive, but I— I’m not there. I can’t laugh at his terrible subway stories, I mean, I can, but I don’t get it. His whole life now is ‘you had to be there’ and I’m not there. Other people are there, but not me.”

“So what?”

Classic Michael.

“What do you mean, so what? I want to be there!”

“So you miss him,” Michael says. “Like I said. But the fact that you’re missing things in his life isn’t really a big deal. He tells you about them, right? So he wants you to be in the loop.”

“Unless he eventually decides it’s too much work to keep me in the loop.”

“If you’re this worried about that, then maybe your relationship isn’t as good as you think it is.”

“Fuck off,” Luke says tiredly. “Our relationship is great, I’m not actually worried, I’m just— I don’t know.”

“Then you’re going to be fine. And clearly you’re doing things that he’s missing, too.” Michael gestures at Luke’s hair. “‘Cause you guys are both big boys living independent lives. But the important thing is that he still wants to be in your life and you still want to be in his. Because you love each other, idiot.”

“Seriously, you are the biggest arsehole in the world.”

“Just admit that I’m right.”

“No!” He probably is. Michael is usually right. It’s annoying.

“Fine, don’t admit it. I still am.” Michael lifts a shoulder again, lets it fall. His face changes from the usual impassive expression, and he studies Luke with mild concern. “I’m being a bit of an arse, sorry. But you know you’re spiralling about this, right?”

Luke sighs. “Yeah. It’s fine. I’m used to you being a bit of an arse, it’s helpful.”

“Okay,” Michael says. “Good.”

If Luke is water — emotional, messy, boiling over all the time — then Michael is salt, soaking up the damage every time Luke spills.

DAY 47

(00:01) ashton: GOOD MORNING

(00:01) ashton: YOU DID AN OPEN MIC AND I WASN'T THERE TO SEE IT????

(00:01) ashton: Who even are you

(00:03) luke: i know right

(00:03) luke: i think im being possessed by a spirit with a lot more confidence than me

(00:03) ashton: It’s sexy

(00:04) ashton: Did you get a video PLEASE

(00:04) luke: there’s a video on my ig story you saw it

(00:04) ashton: a FULL video that was like 2 seconds

(00:04) luke: so demanding

(00:05) luke: i think calum got one ill ask him to send it to me

(00:05) luke: i won’t be doing it again rest assured

(00:05) ashton: WHY NOT YOU KICKED ARSE

(00:05) luke: you havent even seen it

(00:05) ashton: I saw the clip on your ig story

(00:06) ashton: Also I’ve heard you sing so I know

(00:06) luke: that clip was so short you couldnt possibly know how well i did

(00:06) luke: for all you know i sounded like a sick frog

(00:06) ashton: You ARE a sick frog

(00:06) luke: ooh save the dirty talk for the bedroom 🥵

(00:07) ashton: Going to change your contact to Luke “Sick Frog” Hemmings

(00:07) luke: please do that i would rather be anything that wasnt luke “homewrecker” hemmings

(00:07) ashton: No I’m never changing it from that it still makes me laugh

(00:07) luke: you’re the living worst

(00:07) ashton: Thank you homewrecker

(00:08) luke: 😐

(00:08) luke: omw to wreck your actual home get fucking ready nerd

(00:08) ashton: Okay but can we make out before you wreck my home

(00:08) ashton: And can I put Niall in a safe house so he doesn’t get destroyed

(00:09) luke: yes and yes

(00:09) ashton: Dope see you soon

(00:09) ashton: I changed your contact pic to the one you sent me btw

(00:10) ashton: [image]

(00:10) luke: nooooo why i liked the one from before

(00:10) ashton: I know but this one has your sexy red streak

(00:10) ashton: I wanted the picture to accurately reflect your ~look~

(00:11) luke: it’s kinda faded already

(00:12) luke: [image]

(00:12) ashton: Yeah but it still looks sick as hell

(00:12) luke: has niall copied my look yet

(00:13) ashton: Not yet but I’m telling you he’s seriously considering it he’s so jealous

(00:13) luke: if he does though you cant fall in love with him instead of me

(00:13) luke: i dont care how much he looks like me dont let it fool you

(00:13) ashton: It’ll be hard but I think I can manage that

(00:14) luke: what class do you have now

(00:14) luke: yes i did have to google the time diff but now i know it’s 8am yesterday there

(00:14) ashton: Shakespeare play analysis

(00:14) luke: ohh yes how are you liking othello

(00:15) ashton: REALLY enjoyed it actually way more than I expected to

(00:15) luke: yay!! glad to hear it

(00:15) ashton: Next week I think we’re going to see this like. Tiny production company put it on somewhere in the city and we’ll get to talk to the director I’m so excited

(00:15) luke: that sounds so nerdy i love you so much

(00:16) luke: excited for u

(00:16) ashton: 🥰

(00:16) ashton: Can you even believe this is my life

(00:16) luke: yes

(00:16) ashton: Well I can’t!!!!!

(00:17) ashton: I love it here!!!!!!!!

(00:17) luke: good!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(00:17) ashton: Now go to sleep!!!!!!!!!!

(00:17) luke: it’s BARELY midnight im good

(00:18) ashton: :(

(00:18) luke: you cant bully me into sleeping at unreasonable hours anymore i have no incentive if youre not going to be here to physically entice me to bed

(00:18) ashton: I know I know it’s the worst thing about being here

(00:18) luke: what that you cant bully me into sleeping anymore

(00:18) ashton: Yeah

(00:19) luke: worthwhile tradeoff? you get to see tiny local production company othello but you cant sleep with me anymore?

(00:19) ashton: Well when you put it like that I seem like an idiot for coming

(00:19) luke: dfglkh let me rephrase

(00:20) luke: once in a lifetime opportunity to experience theatre in the theatre capital of the world vs your boyfriend who will love you from anywhere?

(00:20) ashton: Ngl I’m still inclined to choose my boyfriend

(00:20) luke: the theatre arts are going to eat you alive my sweet beloved ashton

(00:21) ashton: BUT ILL GO DOWN LOVING YOU

(00:21) luke: so i can be the downfall of my bf? nice try youre succeeding in your field whether you like it or not so i can be your trophy husband

(00:21) ashton: There’s no winning with you

(00:21) ashton: Ahh gtg class is starting love you to the moon and to the bottom of the ocean 💖

(00:21) luke: love you miss you mean it 💕

DAY 57

It’s a beautiful morning for the halfway day. Halfway between Ashton’s departure and return. Luke marked it on his calendar months ago, hoping it would bring him some sense of relief when it arrived, and now that it’s here he’s glad he did.

Halfway there. Ashton will be home before Luke knows it.

For now, Ashton is on spring break, in a cabin somewhere in upstate New York with Niall and Harry and Ashley, cooking and cleaning for themselves like grown-ups. From an endless array of pictures and video calls, Luke knows how quaint and charming the cabin is. He’s a little envious, mostly of Ashton’s new friends for getting to spend this time with Ashton — and not even knowing how lucky they are to do so — but Ashton seems happy, so Luke can hardly complain.

On halfway day, he wakes up to a series of texts from Ashton.

(10:19) ashton: [image] [image] [image]

(10:19) ashton: This sunset is missing you a lot right now

(10:20) ashton: (It’s also sooo pretty but it’s not the same without you)

(10:32) luke: that’s gorgeous

(10:32) luke: i miss you too

(10:32) luke: but happy halfway day !!!! you’re officially halfway to coming home

No reply. Ashton is probably busy with his friends. That’s fine. Luke can be busy. It’s Friday, and Luke’s only class today was cancelled.

He texts Michael and Calum instead:

(10:35) luke: let’s do something today

(10:37) michael: I have class til 4:20

(10:37) calum: same

(10:37) calum: but i’m down to hang after

(10:37) luke: yay

(10:38) luke: michael dont be a party pooper

(10:38) michael: bitch i was going to agree

(10:38) michael: what do you wanna do

(10:39) michael: i don't feel like getting drunk before you suggest that

(10:39) luke: me neither dw

(10:39) luke: idk we could watch a movie

(10:39) calum: PRINCESS BRIDE

(10:39) michael: no

(10:40) michael: absolutely not

(10:40) luke: HOW are u gonna say no to princess bride what is wrong with you

(10:40) calum: BECAUSE HES NEVER SEEN IT

(10:40) luke: WHAT

(10:41) michael: this is exactly what I was hoping to avoid

(10:41) luke: you’re missing out on an integral part of the human experience!!!!!!!!

(10:41) luke: we’re watching it

(10:42) calum: thank you luke he won’t listen when i tell him to watch it

(10:42) michael: i hate both of you

(10:42) luke: you love us

(10:42) luke: and youre gonna love this movie what the fuck i can’t believe you haven’t seen it

(10:43) michael: it’s not a big deal!!

(10:43) luke: YES IT IS IT’S THE MOST CLASSIC OF ALL CLASSIC FILMS

(10:43) luke: im coming over at 4:30 be ready to have ur mind blown and life changed mike

(10:43) michael: and if i lock our door what then

(10:44) calum: ill unlock it

(10:44) calum: this is happening

(10:44) michael: >:(

Luke could have easily continued to harass Michael, but a drop-down text notification redirects his attention to a different conversation.

(10:44) ashton: Holy shit is it really halfway?

(10:44) ashton: Wow it’s gone by so fast

Not for me, Luke thinks, as a forlorn chest pang sneaks past his defences. And then he smiles, forcing his lips up, because if he can survive this long once he can do it once more. He only needs to do it once more.

DAY 58

At midnight, Calum declares it “officially the weekend” and cracks open a beer. Neither Luke nor Michael drink with him, but Calum does not seem disappointed. That’s just how Calum is. He’s a trailblazer, and sometimes he’s a trailblazer alone.

At one in the morning, Luke caves and finishes Calum’s beer. “Get your own,” Calum says, unperturbed, but it’s a fair demand, so Luke does.

“Mikey? Sure you don’t want?”

“I’m sure.”

At two in the morning, Luke says, “I don’t feel like going back.”

“To your room?”

Luke nods.

“So stay here,” Calum says. “That’s cool, right?”

“If you want to sleep on the sofa then it’s cool,” Michael says.

“‘Kay,” Luke says glumly. “I will.”

“Aw, Lukey, don’t be sad,” Calum says, sliding off the couch with Michael to the floor where Luke is. Luke gives an exaggerated smile and Calum nods. “Much better. Very handsome.”

“Oh, thank you.” Luke holds out a hand. “C’mon, Mikey, get on the floor.”

Michael obliges, cramming himself between Calum and Luke so they’re all touching. A lightning strike could pass through all three of them now, and kill no one. Luke voices this thought.

“It might still kill us,” Michael points out. “Have you ever been electrocuted? You don’t know how much of a shock you can take.”

“True,” Luke says pensively. “What if I have been electrocuted?”

“Have you?”

“In a past life maybe.”

Michael laughs. Calum, on his other side, makes himself very comfortable leaning into Michael’s side and holding his hand, but to his credit Michael is doing an impressive job of pretending it’s not happening.

Why? Luke very much wants to shout. To what end, Mikey? Isn’t this what you want?

He wants to meddle so bad it hurts, but if he meddles wrong he ruins a friendship, and that’s the only thing sealing his lips at the moment.

“Do you guys wanna watch the sunrise?”

Calum makes an oof sound. “I don’t think I’m gonna make it that long, lad.”

“I’m not saying we have to stay up for it. We can just wake up, watch it, and go back to sleep.”

“I thought that was your thing with Ashton,” says Michael.

“We don’t have a monopoly on watching the sunrise. Plus I haven’t seen it in awhile and I miss it. It’s pretty, you won’t regret it, come onnnn,” Luke wheedles, “say yes!”

“What do you think?” Michael prods Calum’s thigh with their conjoined hands. Still holding hands, Luke observes. He wonders if he’s going insane and they’re already together and just haven’t bothered to tell Luke. He wouldn’t put it past them.

“Okay,” Calum says. “I’m down if you’re down, Mikey.”

“I’m down. But I think I need to go to bed soon, especially if you’re waking me for a sunrise.”

“Yeah, let’s—” Calum glances up at Michael, then at Luke. “Time for bed?”

Luke finishes his drink. “Bedtime.”

They kill the lights in short order. Bedtime is just flopping onto the couch and hugging the throw pillow to his face while Michael and Calum retire to their respective rooms. For the first time in fifty-seven days, he Googles what time is sunrise, but he doesn’t let himself dwell on it. When his alarm is set, he closes his eyes and falls asleep.

Four hours later, he wakes up.

It’s dark and eerily silent. The whole world is before the sun comes up to illuminate the shadowy corners. This time of day was once Luke’s favourite, back when he and Ashton were waking up together for it; now it’s the middle of the day for Ashton (maybe — Luke is still bad at the timezone maths) and Luke is waking up alone on his friends’ couch.

But the sun still rises.

“Rise and shine,” Luke whispers as he gently shakes Calum. “It’s sunrise time.”

Calum groans, turns over, groans again, and says, “Did you just rhyme on purpose?”

Luke laughs quietly. “Get up,” he says. “I’ll wake Mike.”

Calum makes a noise that sounds like the opposite of him getting up and rolls back over. Luke stares at him for a second, then goes to rouse Michael.

It’s surprisingly a lot easier to wake Michael than Calum, but finally they’re all vertical, so Luke leads them out into the velvety twilight and together they start walking. It’s a few minutes before Michael says, “Where exactly are we going?”

“To watch the sunrise,” Luke says. “Just trust me.”

They fall silent. Apparently Michael does trust Luke, because he doesn’t ask again. With Luke leading, and Michael and Calum following, they make the trek to the FASS with plenty of time to spare. Even as they walk, Luke can see, feel the sky start to lighten, barely noticeable at first but soon unmissable to him. What was black turns navy. The dark turns less dark. Still, no one speaks as Luke leads them to the roof of the social sciences building, swiping his card to get in.

They must feel the same magic spell Luke and Ashton always felt. When they’re finally on the roof, Luke turns to his friends, and he can’t help but smile.

“You guys are cute,” he says. The sunrise loosens his tongue and it just slips out. It’s true. They are cute. Calum is half-dozing on Michael’s shoulder and Michael, unconcerned, has his arm around Calum’s waist to keep him from falling.

“Is this your secret sunrise spot?” Michael asks, ignoring Luke’s comment. “I always wondered.”

“I should have blindfolded you guys,” Luke says. “Yeah, this is the place. Roof of the FASS. The view’s nice and it’s always unlocked.”

Michael hums. Calum does not react. He’s definitely asleep.

The sky is getting lighter still, so Luke turns away from Michael and Calum and looks out at the horizon far beyond the borders of their university campus. Somewhere in this distance is his dorm, and Calum and Michael’s flat, and further in some direction is the Irwins’ house, and his own. If Luke could see past the horizon’s curve, he’d follow the view all the way around the world to New York, where right now, Ashton is probably laughing with his new roommate and friends, not thinking of Luke the way Luke is thinking of him. Luke could text him, but he doesn’t want to. They made a rule, years ago when they first started watching the sunrise together: no phones. Anyone who needed them could wait until the day had begun. Anyone who wasn’t there with them couldn’t be as important as them being there with each other.

Ashton’s not here, but the statement is still true. Luke has his friends, and that’s what matters right now.

He sits down, and Michael and Calum sit beside him. Slowly, the sky becomes an oil painting.

“Cal,” Michael whispers as the baby blue grows orange-tinted and the clouds turn a candyfloss pink. “Hey. Wake up. Sun’s rising.”

Luke doesn’t say anything. He looks over at them and smiles when his eyes meet Michael’s. Michael smiles back.

“This is pretty,” he says softly. “I can see why you and Ashton always do this.”

Luke nods as Calum opens his eyes without lifting his head from Michael’s shoulder.

“‘S pretty,” he contributes gruffly.

Without a word, Luke looks away from them and takes a picture of the sunrise to send to Ashton. The no-phones rule has certain exceptions, and they had never accounted for either one of them being absent. This, Luke is sure, counts as an exception.

Then he subtly flips the camera to get a picture of the three of them, because any evidence that Michael and Calum are progressing towards the together-stage is definitely an exception as well. If sunrise magic made it happen for Luke and Ashton, then who’s to say it won’t work on Michael and Calum?

They stay until the sun is all the way risen — until the pink and orange fade and the sky stops looking like artwork — before Luke carefully stands, stretches, and offers a hand to Michael. Calum is still leaning on his shoulder, and now he’s undoubtedly asleep.

“Uh,” Michael says, glancing at Calum, at their hands, entwined again, at rest between their thighs. “You wanna wake him?”

“Not at all,” Luke says, and takes a picture while Michael can’t stop him. “But maybe if I leave you two here you’ll have a real Luke-and-Ashton moment.”

“I’m scared to even ask what you mean by that,” Michael says drily.

Luke presses his lips together. “Nothing.”

“You can leave us, though,” Michael adds. “I’ll wake him in a bit.”

“No, I was joking. I’m not going to leave you.”

“Honestly,” Michael says, “it’s fine. We’ll probably see you today or tomorrow. You didn’t leave anything at ours, right?”

Luke shakes his head. It’s against his upbringing to abandon his guests — as much as he started out their guest, they became his guests when they followed him to the FASS — but Michael is already committed to sitting here like a human pillow, and Luke has an inkling that leaving them be is the best thing he can do for them.

“Okay,” he says. “I’ll see you on Monday if I don’t see you before.”

“Thanks for bringing us here,” Michael says. It’s one of those rare moments where Michael is the gentlest person Luke knows. “I know this place means a lot to you. And to Ashton.”

Luke bites his lip. The ache is good, he reminds himself. The ache means he has someone he loves enough to miss. It means someone loves him enough to miss him back.

“You guys mean a lot to me too,” he says. “So thanks for coming. That meant a lot to me.”

When he leaves, it’s to the unmoving pair of them — Calum leaning on Michael, and Michael content to be leaned on.

DAY 60

“Luke. This picture. Elaborate right this minute.”

“I know, he wasn’t even being subtle? And then I started wondering, like…have they been like this the whole time and I didn’t notice until I knew? But I’m pretty sure they haven’t!”

“They definitely haven’t. I can’t believe you took them to watch the sunrise.”

“I guess the magic worked a second time, though. I left them there.”

“What?”

“Calum is asleep in that picture, bro! I got up to leave and Michael was like ‘leave us here, I’ll wake him in a bit.’ I left them. And then I saw Calum in class today but we didn’t even talk about it and I felt like if I brought it up I’d give something away so I just didn’t say anything!”

“Oh my God, Luke. We’re in a romantic comedy and we’re side characters.”

“I KNOW!”

“You have to do more recon. Get more intel. I bet you could entrap Michael into admitting something at this point. You have the receipts.”

“Oh, the pictures? Is that receipts?”

“That’s receipts, yes. That counts!”

“Sure.”

“Seriously though. The sunrise picture did make me a little sad.”

“Yeah. I was a little sad being there without you.”

“I’m glad you went. And it was nice that Cal and Mike went with you.”

“Yeah.”

“I just…wish I could have been there.”

“You have no idea how much I wish that too, Ash.”

“Well, I have some idea.”

“Ha. Okay, some.”

“Some. … When I saw those pictures it was like five o’clock here and I just kept thinking that your sun was rising just hours before mine was setting. It doesn’t even feel like we’re looking at the same sun.”

“That…yeah. I guess it’s kind of cute, though, if you imagine it like…you passing the sun to me. You’re finished with it in New York so you pass it across the sky to Sydney so we can use it for the day.”

“That’s cute. I like that.”

“Yeah. But I was pretty jealous that even Cal and Mikey got to cuddle when I didn’t have you.”

“That’s what I— yeah. Exactly.”

“...Anyway. You’re home from the cabin now?”

“Yep, we’re back.”

“So? Tell me about it!”

“Ha, okay, well it was actually amazing. I’ve never done anything like that, you know, a trip where I was responsible for everything. I mean not just me, but like. Without any adults planning or cooking or handling anything. It was just us. And it was really cool. I felt like I was getting a sneak peek of post-graduation life.”

“Wow, that’s…really awesome.”

“And Niall and Harry and Ashley were all really class housemates, and the cabin was — well I showed it to you, but it’s so cute right?”

“Oh yeah, really cute.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully expecting to be living in some cheapo studio after I graduate and not a nice big cabin in upstate New York, but it was nice to get a taste of what it would be like to, I dunno, be my own keeper. Instead of living at home or at school.”

“I get that. And it seems like you’re going to crush it post-grad.”

“Yeah. Maybe here, even.”

“...What do you mean, like…in New York?”

“No, not— well, I don’t know. I’ve just been thinking that since I’m graduating anyway…and I’m here, and this is, like, basically the theatre capital of the world, and like. It’d be cool to live here. In New York.”

“That…would definitely be something.”

“Yeah, except there’s a million holes in the plan, like for example how much I definitely can’t afford to live in Manhattan. But maybe Staten Island!”

“Where’s that?”

“It’s— ha. It’s one of the five boroughs. Sorry, it’s a New Yorker joke that nobody respects Staten Island.”

“Oh. Huh.”

“Yeah.”

“...”

“Anyway, let’s be real, I doubt I would be able to move to New York, just, you know, emotionally. I’ve only been away from you like two months and it’s been completely terrible.”

“I love you for saying that even though you’ve obviously been having the best two months of your life.”

“No I haven’t!”

“Ashton.”

“Okay, they’ve been great in some ways, but I really am miserable every time I think of how— like, how long it’s been since I’ve seen you and how long it will be until I see you next, and how much I miss your stupid face and wish I could see your new hair in person and give you a hundred thousand kisses.”

“Actually I believe your outstanding kiss debt is a million.”

“Oh, even worse. I’ll never pay that off if I’m always a zillion miles away! And fifteen hours!”

“I thought it was sixteen?”

“No, fifteen, remember we had daylight savings?”

“Oh. Yeah. Well you know I miss you the same. And I want you to come back, but…I also want you to do what will make you happy.”

“Yeah, I know. You make me happy.”

“...I know, but—”

“Look, we don’t have to talk about this right this minute. We both have plenty of time to figure this out.”

“...Yeah. Okay. That’s…true, I guess. Oh, I have to get ready for class, I should really go.”

“Okay. Yeah. I should get ready for bed.”

“I’m getting ready for class while you’re getting ready for bed. You know, if nothing else, I won’t miss the time difference when you’re home.”

“Fuckin’ amen to that. Okay. I love you to the moon and to Staten Island.”

“Love you miss you mean it, Ash. Sending a hundred kisses and tell Niall to pass on a hug from me.”

“I’ll let him know. Bye.”

“Bye, love you.”

“Love you too.”

DAY 73

They haven’t talked about it since. Some unspoken mutual agreement occurred, and the next time Luke spoke to Ashton, they both widely circumnavigated what Ashton had so foolhardily brought up before: that after graduating, Ashton might move to New York.

In other words, might leave Luke behind.

Every conversation since then, they’ve successfully avoided the subject. Luke knows why he isn’t saying anything: denial, plain and simple. The fear that merely mentioning it will make Ashton consider it anew. Also guilt — because Luke knows that in any conversation about Ashton going where Luke can’t, Luke won’t be able to stop himself from sounding forlorn, dejected. He wants to be supportive of Ashton’s dreams, but in this case the best way he can do that is to not say anything.

What Luke wants to know is why Ashton isn’t bringing it up. It’s Ashton’s future. Luke might be within his rights, selfish though they may be, not to say anything, but Ashton should probably broach the subject if he wants them to make headway on deciding about it. Unless he doesn’t. Unless he doesn’t want to bring it up because he knows how Luke will feel and doesn’t want Luke’s feelings to influence his decision. They shouldn’t, of course. Ashton should make the decision that he feels best about, notwithstanding how Luke feels.

The only other reason Luke can think that Ashton might not have brought up the potential move again is that Ashton has already made up his mind to go, and is just waiting for the right moment to break the news.

Waiting is agony. Thinking about it is agony. Just when Luke had gotten in the upswing of being in the back half of their separation, now he’s sunk low again. Back to his emo, half-mad self, reapplying hair dye so the red stays, so the change stays, so he can prove the difference when he looks at pictures of himself from 73 days ago, the day Ashton left.

He broke the no-phones rule at the sunrise that day, too. But Ashton had broken it first, digging out his phone shortly after the sun had fully risen, calling this a “special circumstance” and snapping a selfie of the two of them, lit from in front, the shadow of Ashton’s phone in a rectangle on Luke’s collar. Luke, then, had taken out his own phone and trained it on Ashton, who had smiled in his usual disarming manner, soft in the light, green-eyed and golden-skinned and gorgeous.

A week ago, nostalgia sent Luke back to the photo, and in his mania of missing Ashton he ordered a print. Today it’s in his mail, and when he tears open the envelope there’s Ashton, golden and smiling softly.

“Hi,” Luke says, aware of how insane he sounds. “I miss you.”

The picture doesn’t respond, but Luke can hear Ashton’s reply: Hi, love. I miss you too.

His phone rings. It’s Ashton. Summoned by Luke’s thoughts, as always.

“Hey,” Luke says when he answers.

“Hey!” Ashton is oblivious to Luke’s melancholia. “Hi! Sorry, I just saw you called, I was at a movie with Niall.”

“Right,” Luke says, “sorry, I forgot. How was it?”

“Not good, but we were the only ones in the theatre so we had fun talking shit the whole time,” Ashton says brightly. “What’s up?”

“Oh, you know,” Luke says. “Just thinking about you.”

Ashton hums in sympathetic understanding. “Anything in particular?”

“No,” Luke lies. “Just miss you extra today, I guess.”

“Yeah,” Ashton says. “You okay? Did something happen, or?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary. Wait, I told you about Michael and Calum, right?”

Ashton pauses. “What?”

“...I didn’t tell you about Mike and Calum?”

“You told me about the sunrise.”

“That was last week, this is yesterday.” Luke’s eyes go wide. “Oh my God, I didn’t tell you.”

“Tell me what!”

“Calum completely cracked and told me all this stuff yesterday and I swear to you, Ashton, when you said we were side characters in a romcom— like I could not have possibly predicted how accurate that would have been. They’ve been sleeping in the same bed. ”

“What?”

“Yeah!” Luke grins at the memory, Calum across from him at Starbucks yesterday, barely a sip into his iced chai latte when suddenly words were spilling onto the tabletop. “So Calum told me how he’s been quietly into Michael since they met and had been ignoring it because he figured with how they were friends that surely Michael didn’t feel the same—"

"Oh my God?"

"—and then long story short I guess they’ve been having a whole slow burn this semester, or maybe this year? Calum said he didn’t know when Michael started acting differently but it wasn’t until they lived together.”

“Holy shit, Luke.” Ashton sounds riveted. “Holy shit! This is such incredible recon. You’re literally a world-class spy.”

“That’s true,” Luke says. “I work for MI6.”

“I believe MI6 are assassins.”

“Uh, I’m pretty sure they’re spies.” Luke frowns. “Why the fuck would they be assassins? You think the United Kingdom would sanction an agency of legal assassins? What the fuck, Ashton?”

Ashton pauses. “When you say it like that it sounds stupid.”

“Yes.”

“Okay, fine. You’re a spy for MI6, and obviously a terrible one since you just told me about it.”

“You’re my boyfriend slash soulmate,” Luke says. “I’m allowed one freebie person to tell, and I chose you. Be flattered.”

“Oh, wow. I’m flattered. Is this going to make me a target for enemies of MI6?”

“Definitely, but if you look under your bed you’ll find a hand grenade stashed there by one of my associates in case you need protection.”

“You thought I might need protection and chose to give me a hand grenade?”

“So you can walk away from an explosion looking cool!”

“But why not a gun, Luke!”

“I don’t trust you with a gun! Also I don’t believe you know how to shoot one.”

“In your fake MI6 scenario, I don’t even get to be good with guns?” Ashton says in mock-offence. “What the hell, man?”

“You’re my trophy husband,” Luke says dismissively. “You’re the person that gets taken hostage to get to me. Like, I would have a scene where I’m being beaten to death and there’s blood everywhere and they leave me behind because I’m so pathetic and I’m basically dead, but then you’d see me have a flashback to scenes of me and you being cute and domestic and laughing in the kitchen or some shit and I would gather the strength to get up and kill my captors just so I could come save you. Like, that’s what you are.”

“How is that so sweet,” Ashton says wryly. “Yet morbid. Yet romantic.”

“I’m the perfect mix of those things.”

“Can we please revisit the Michael and Calum subject? I want to know everything.”

“Oh! Yes. Right.” In the excitement of the spy-movie plotting, Luke had forgotten all about them. Also in the excitement, he’d forgotten all about missing Ashton. In fact, that hole in his chest, cauterised but gaping, doesn’t feel as hollow as usual. Talking on the phone with Ashton will do that. It’s revitalising to talk to him. Hanging up is the hazard. “Where was I?”

“They’re sleeping in the same bed?” Ashton prompts.

“Oh yeah. Since after the sunrise, so I was right that the sunrise would do its magic! Apparently when Calum finally woke up on the roof of the FASS and they made it back to the flat they just both fell asleep in Michael’s bed? And then, like, didn’t talk about it at all but Calum says that he literally hasn’t slept in his own bed since then.”

“At all? ”

“He was like, ‘I took a nap on Thursday in my bed and that’s the only time I’ve slept there since last week.’” Luke grins, triumphant. “Sunrise magic!”

A wolf-whistle from Ashton. “Is that it?”

“Well, basically, Calum has all but figured out Michael likes him, and he obviously likes Michael, so now Calum is trying to decide what he’s going to do about that, if anything, and I said maybe he should just plant one on Mike and see what happens, but Cal seemed to think I was joking.”

“No, that’s great advice.”

“I was being serious,” Luke says, nodding. “I think he should just try it. What’s the worst that can happen? It’s not like Michael will reject him.”

“True, but think about this as if you’re Michael,” Ashton says. “He’s probably thinking about how this could ruin their friendship. And their flatmate relationship.”

“Fuck, you’re right.” Luke sighs. “Of course he is. Maybe I’ll finally have to do an intervention with Michael. I actually think I’m the person who knows the most intel in this situation now.”

“You might just be.”

“Yeah. So that’s the update on that.” Luke giggles. “Imagine being me sitting down to get a coffee with Calum thinking we’re just going to chat about fuckin’ music theory class and instead getting this.”

“Wish I’d been there,” Ashton says, kind of mournfully. Luke can’t tell how much he’s joking.

"I always wish that," he says.

It occurs to Luke very suddenly that he has no idea whether he's enough to convince Ashton not to leave. Could Luke, by himself, be the thing that tethers Ashton to Sydney? Could he stand in the way of Ashton choosing a future in New York?

Should he?

Of course not, says the voice in Luke's head that reminds him how to be a good boyfriend. You want Ashton to go where he'll be happy.

The other voice in Luke's head, which oddly sounds like Michael, responds: what if staying with me will make him happy?

"I should go," Ashton says. "Got a lot of work to do. No rest for the theatre kid."

"You chose this fate for yourself," Luke says. "Have you tried being less talented?"

"I have," Ashton says. "Unfortunately I'm doomed to be this amazing at everything I ever do from now until I die. It's a curse."

"Yeah, such a curse." Luke smiles, though Ashton can't see it. "Okay, then. Thanks for calling me back. This was what I needed."

"Gossiping about our friends' romantic lives?"

"Yeah. Honestly."

"Then I'm glad I could provide," Ashton says. "I love you." He pauses. "Are you doing okay?"

Why would you ask that? Luke wants to say.

"Yeah," he says instead, and opts for the eternal truth. "I just miss you."

"You sure that's all?"

Luke sighs. "Okay, it's not all. It's most. I have something on my mind, but it's too much to get into now. We'll talk about it later."

"No, no, I can talk now." Ashton suddenly sounds concerned.

"No," Luke says firmly. "Go do your work. And don't worry. Everything's fine, I swear. Nothing's really wrong, so don't worry about me."

"But—" Ashton breaks off. Huffs. "Okay. Fine. I will do my work and we'll find another time to talk?"

"Yes. I promise."

"Okay. In that case I love you to the moon and around the circumference of the Milky Way and I hope you feel a little better than before I called."

"I do," Luke says. "Infinitely. I love you too. Love you miss you mean it."

“Talk to you later. Bye.”

He hangs up. Luke sets down his phone. The photo of Ashton is still in his hand, and Luke realises he doesn’t have a picture frame for it.

Such a small, unimportant thing. Tears spring to Luke’s eyes. It’s been a surprisingly long time since he’s missed Ashton enough to cry about it, but now, with a photo in hand that is so fragile, the impermanence of this feels like a meteor bearing down on him. He suffers through being alone every day, and for what? Ashton will come back, and then Ashton will leave again. And Luke will be alone, like he’s been for 73 days and will be for the next 42.

Why, he wonders, can’t love be enough? Why is it worse to choose love than to choose a career? You can always have a career. You can work anywhere. But Luke loves Ashton, and Ashton fucking loves him back, and they’re not going to find that again. Why shouldn’t Ashton stay? Why wouldn’t he?

Selfish, says Good Boyfriend Luke in his head. You want to justify trying to get him to stay in Sydney because you selfishly want him here. The world doesn’t revolve around you. He’s his own person and he can’t be tied somewhere just because you are.

Luke grunts in frustration, kicks the wall half-heartedly, regrets it. Swiping at his blurry eyes, he stalks out of his room. Only when he’s in his car does he find the picture of Ashton still in his hand.

Still golden, still soft, still smiling like they’ve got all the time in the world to be in love. Together. In this picture, they do have all the time in the world. In this snapshot is a lifetime.

Luke slips it between the sun visor and the ceiling and reverses out of the carpark. He’s not sure where he’s going, but he needs to go somewhere, maybe just to feel like he can. He’s not a kid anymore. He might be in uni but he’s a grown-up in the eyes of the law, and if he chose to drop out or run away or drive until his gas hit zero no one could stop him. And if he decided to spend all of his funds on a one-way ticket to New York, no one could stop him doing that, either.

The faster Luke drives, the closer it feels. He still remembers the way to the airport from when he saw Ashton off; he could go, just go, just do something crazy. Really crazy, not spontaneously-dyeing-hair crazy. This could be the climax of their romantic dramedy. Luke could board the next flight to New York. Bankrupt himself. Show up at Ashton’s door with flowers. He could. He could.

He always could.

Even as Luke presses down on the acceleration, he knows he won’t. It’s exactly because he could that he won’t. The option is always there, if Luke ever gets desperate enough — but he isn’t. Not yet, anyway, not while they haven’t talked about it, and Ashton hasn’t brought it up again, and Calum and Michael are here at USyd, and Luke’s parents are here in Sydney.

He’s not trapped here, however much he sometimes feels like he is. At any moment, he could leave.

The thought repeats in his brain like a song on a loop, and it carries him back to his dorm. When he trudges through his door, feeling like his insides have all been scooped out and left somewhere along the highway, he remembers the picture he left in the car.

Ashton’s soft, smiling face pressed between the visor and the ceiling. Like a talisman, a reminder of what Luke is holding onto and what he’s chasing after.

Leaving the photo, Luke goes inside.

DAY 75

The text from Michael only said come over i’m making ramen and i want company, but that’s enough for Luke. He shows up at Michael and Calum’s place and Michael lets him in. Calum, once again, is nowhere to be found.

“Cal’s at footie practise again?”

Michael is filling his cup of ramen with water. “Yeah.”

It’s the perfect time for an intervention. Luke is ready. But Michael beats him to it.

“I need your help,” he says, adjusting the faucet.

Mistaking the gesture, Luke says, “With ramen?”

“No,” Michael says, then turns off the faucet and puts the ramen in the microwave. “No. No. I need your advice, I guess. Not ramen-related.”

“Okay,” Luke says cautiously. “What about?”

Michael exhales, closes the microwave door, and turns back to Luke. “Don’t judge me, okay?”

“I can’t possibly promise that,” Luke says. “Especially considering how much you judge me.”

Michael makes a face at him. “Fine. Judge me. I don’t care. But be actually helpful, okay?”

“I’ll do my best,” Luke vows, with an inkling of where this is going. Sure enough:

“Calum,” Michael starts, then stops, then starts again, “I mean, I—” then breaks off, then a third time tries, “Remember when—”

“You fancy Calum,” Luke supplies. “And he fancies you too and you’re in your head about it. Right?”

Michael seems less than pleased at being reduced to two sentences. “How do you know?”

“I know all,” Luke says, unwilling to throw Ashton or Calum under the bus for telling him. It’s Calum’s gossip to spill as much as it is Michael’s, but regardless it feels like a breach of trust. “C’mon, it’s obvious. You guys were unbelievable that whole night of the sunrise, I’ve never felt like more of a third wheel.”

“Okay,” Michael says, as if most of that comment has gone in one ear and out the other without stopping to be processed. “Well, yes. The short version is that I like him and he likes me and it— it keeps moving forward little by little when I think it probably shouldn’t but I really want it to, and we haven’t talked about it, which I know we should, but I don’t know what to say because I haven’t decided how to feel. About it. So. Help me.”

“Help you decide how to feel?”

“Yes. You obviously know something I don’t know if you’ve managed this long with Ashton, so tell me your secrets.”

Luke breathes a laugh. “Mate, it’s not just one secret. You and Calum are way different from me and Ashton.”

“So you have nothing to say? Nothing at all?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“I thought so,” Michael says, looking annoyingly smug. It’s a front. A moment later it falls away, and he opens the microwave door as if anything will have happened to the ramen just by sitting there. Nothing has. Michael realises his mistake and finally turns it on, and the hum fills the room.

“What’s happened?” Luke prompts. “What do you mean it’s moving forward?”

He knows, but he’s not really supposed to, and besides, it will be good to hear from Michael’s side.

“Just, things keep either happening or almost happening,” Michael mutters. “And we never talk about it. He sleeps in my bed now. No discussion. When we got back from the sunrise that morning he climbed into bed with me and I didn’t say anything and when we woke up neither of us said anything about it. And just went about our days. And at first I was trying not to read into it but at a certain point it becomes impossible to see it as anything other than what it is.”

“That he likes you.”

“Yeah. But I live with him,” Michael says, with a pained expression. “And also, he’s my best mate!”

“Who fancies you,” Luke points out. “It’s not like you can walk that back for him. He fancies you. And you like him too, and you can’t walk that back either, so as long as you’re on the same page about it, you should make a move.”

“See, I knew you would say that,” Michael says. “But I think you’re wrong.”

Luke frowns. “Why would you have invited me here to help you with this crisis if you knew what I’d say and had already decided to disagree?”

“I— I just want you to consider all the factors,” Michael says. “Not just the things that would be good if it went well, but also the things that would be bad if it went to shit.”

“Okay, I’ve considered them,” Luke says. “I’ve concluded that you would be an idiot not to pursue this.”

Michael looks severely at odds with himself.

“But you knew I’d say that,” Luke offers, and Michael nods. “Then what’s the point of this conversation if you could have it with yourself?”

“I think I’m just…” Michael looks at the floor. “Hoping that you can convince me I’m being stupid.”

Michael is probably the most logically-minded person Luke knows. He’s Michael “the numbers don’t lie” Clifford. He takes the evidence, builds a case, and dies on its hill. He doesn’t ask to be swayed. He doesn’t plan to be swayed.

But here he is. Asking Luke to convince him.

“The fact that you even want me to do this is proof enough,” Luke says. “I know your head is telling you it’s a bad idea, or that it could be a bad idea, but your heart is obviously ignoring all of that. You’re just not used to going with what your heart says.”

The beep of the microwave startles them both. Michael pulls it open to shut off the noise, then immediately closes it again as if he can’t be bothered to focus on ramen right now.

Sighing, he says, “Obviously.”

“Well, now’s your chance,” says Luke. “Stop thinking about what could or might happen and just do what feels right. Do what will make you happy. And also what will make Calum happy! If you decide that he’s not worth the risk or whatever, that will crush him. He’ll be cool about it, but he’ll be crushed, you know that. And honestly, you will be too, because I’ve never seen you like this before. Trying to go with facts over feelings is making you miserable. Think about how great it will be to kiss Calum.” Luke pauses. “You haven’t kissed him, right?”

Michael sighs. “Not yet.”

“So imagine that feeling, and then chase it. You only get that feeling if you follow your heart, stupid.”

“Compelling argument,” Michael concedes, shifting on his feet. He hesitates, then opens the microwave again. This time he removes his ramen from within and retrieves a spoon to stir it. “You make a decent point.”

“I make an amazing point,” says Luke. “I’m right. Admit that I’m right.”

Michael huffs. “I don’t know if you’re right yet.”

“Please, I’m definitely right.”

“I’m withholding comment until we know for sure.”

“What do I get if I’m right?”

“Bragging rights,” Michael says drily. “And eternal renown.”

“Those are worthless,” Luke says, rolling his eyes, smiling. “But fine. I accept.”

Michael nods at him, and then steamrolls over the moment, because he’s Michael. “Do you want ramen? I have a shit ton if you want some.”

“Yes,” Luke says. “And in exchange for my advice I think I need to ask yours.”

“Oh thank God,” Michael says, smiling for the first time since Luke walked in. “The world is restored to its natural order. What’s up?”

Luke sighs and leans against the wall. “Okay. Prepare for mental breakdown about Ashton number seven hundred and three.”

“I’m prepared.”

“I think he wants to move to New York,” Luke says quietly, staring a hole into the floor. “After he graduates, I think he’s really considering moving to New York, permanently, and I have no idea what to say if he asks me what I think.”

Michael hums. “That would make sense.”

“What does?”

“If he moved to New York. Being in theatre, it would be a sensible decision.”

“I know it would,” Luke says tightly. “That’s the problem.”

“Because you’d still be here,” Michael finishes, nodding slow. Luke mirrors him.

“Yeah. He brought it up once last week and then we kind of moved past it without deciding anything for real and he hasn’t mentioned it since. Last time we talked on the phone he could tell something was bothering me and I said we’d talk about it later, but we haven’t had the chance to call since then.”

“Well what are your thoughts?”

“That’s exactly my problem,” Luke says. “I don’t know. On the one hand, of course I want him to move to New York because that’d be an incredible opportunity for him, and like you said it would make sense, and…it’s New York. And Ashton’s an adventurous guy so it would be just like him to move to America after graduating. He would love that.”

Luke pauses, but Michael doesn’t jump in. The sound of the faucet filling Luke’s ramen-to-be cup fills the silence while Luke gathers his next thoughts.

“On the other hand, I mean, you’ve seen how I’ve fuckin’ barely managed to be away from him for this long, and it’s only been, like, two months. If he moved, I’d never see him, ‘cause I’ve gotta finish my fuckin’ degree. And he’d be a zillion hours away and fifteen hours behind me for like…a year.”

“That might kill you,” Michael says reasonably.

“Right.” Luke scrubs a hand over his face. “But if I ask him to stay here just for me I’ll feel like the worst boyfriend in the world. Actually the worst person in the world. Like, that would be unbelievably selfish.”

“I’m sure you’ll factor into the decision either way,” Michael points out. “Even if he decides to move, it won’t be without considering how hard it will be to be away from you that long.”

“Well, exactly,” Luke says. “What if he says he wants to stay? Is it my job to convince him not to?”

Michael presses his lips together. “That’s a good question,” he says eventually. “And I don’t know the answer.”

DAY 77

ashtonirwin: Domestic life

niallhoran: housewife ashton era

ashtonirwin: @niallhoran trophy husband Niall era
niallhoran: @ashtonirwin more like trophy husband ashley era
iamashley: @niallhoran yes.

lukehemmings: that’s the most beautiful guitar i’ve ever seen

lukehemmings: @lukehemmings fitting for the most beautiful man i’ve ever seen 💕
ashtonirwin: @lukehemmings I KNOW RIGHT. It’s Ashley’s nan’s or something
lukehemmings: @ashtonirwin fyi i’m leaving you for that guitar

harrystyles: do not domesticate this man!!! he WILL leave the oven on and you WILL not realise til the next morning!!! you have been warned!!!!

ashtonirwin: @harrystyles THAT WAS NOT ME THAT WAS THE GHOST THAT HAUNTS THE CABIN WEVE BEEN OVER THIS MATE

lauren_dawkins_: ashton in an apron >>>

ashtonirwin: @lauren_dawkins_ cooking prowess unmatched 🍳🍴🍽👨🏻🍳🔪🥘🍜🍝🍕🍟🍍🍅🍲🥐

calumhood: 8th pic you look like you’re trying to become one with the trees which actually makes a lot of sense for you

ashtonirwin: @calumhood I am the Ashton I speak for the trees and the trees say fuck you mate

michaelclifford: tell me that’s not national treasure

ashtonirwin: @michaelclifford of course it’s national treasure

DAY 80

Luke has a vanilla latte on his desk and the whole night ahead of him. He has homework for music theory that he’s ignoring right now, but it can wait.

Ashton’s finally free, which means they can finally call. Which means Luke’s time for figuring out what the fuck he’s going to say when he broaches the Ashton-moving topic has run out. His phone is ringing. They’re talking about it whether he’s ready or not.

Luke takes a sip of his drink and swipes to answer. His screen fills with pixels that rapidly resolve into Ashton’s face. It’s a smiling face, though the circles under his eyes are not to be missed. They confirm what Ashton has been apologetically saying in texts for the last week, that all of his courses have set him projects and insane assignments at the same time and he’s suddenly swamped with work.

“Hi,” he says, and honestly, Luke’s nerves melt into nothing.

“Hi,” he returns. “You look knackered.”

“Thank you for noticing,” Ashton says. “I am, in fact, intensely sleep-deprived, but wow I missed your face. It is so good to see your face. And hear your voice. I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too.”

“Sorry I’ve had literally no time to talk this week.”

“Don’t be sorry. I know you’re buried in work, it’s all good.”

“I feel like Polyphemus,” Ashton says seriously. “Every time I finish one assignment there’s another one.”

Luke pauses. “I think that’s Sisyphus.”

There’s a beat. Ashton facepalms. “That’s what I meant. Sisyphus. I swear I know the difference between Sisyphus and Polyphemus, fuck’s sake. I told you I’m sleep-deprived.”

Luke laughs. “No, I can see the resemblance between you and Polyphemus.”

“Oh, fuck off.”

“C’mon, you could totally be a cyclops tending to sheep on an island in the middle of nowhere!”

“You’re the worst,” Ashton giggles. “I am not a cyclops, you bitch!”

“But you would love the sheep. And the island.”

“I would only agree to become a one-eyed island shepherd if you came with me,” Ashton says. “Those are my terms.”

“I obviously agree to those terms. But I’m not doing any fuckin’ shepherding, mate.”

“You’re sure as hell not cooking.”

“I—” Luke huffs. “I can be useful in other ways!”

“You can sew the dress,” Ashton says reassuringly. “And then unravel it every time it gets too close to our wedding.”

A loud laugh breaks from Luke. “I’ll be wearing a suit to our wedding,” he says, “and if you think I would do anything to delay it for even a second you’re out of your mind.”

Ashton breathes a laugh of his own. “Fine, then. I’ll wear the dress.”

“You would look stunning in a wedding gown,” Luke tells him, and they both chuckle.

“Alright,” Ashton says, looking lighter already. “I’ve been worrying about whatever was stressing you out last time we talked since you mentioned it, so let’s have it.”

“Ashton,” Luke says exasperatedly. “I told you not to worry.”

“You had to know that wouldn’t work.”

“Would I lie?”

“Uh, to get me not to worry?” Ashton raises an eyebrow, and Luke pouts. Regrettably, he has a point. “Yeah. Anyway. The floor is yours. What’s on your mind?”

Luke takes a breath in. Lets it all the way out. “Okay,” he says. “A couple weeks ago when we were on the phone, you kind of off-handedly mentioned something about…moving to New York.” Nothing in Ashton’s face changes. He has his listening face on, unwaveringly attentive, and he won’t jump in until he’s certain Luke’s done talking. One of Ashton’s best and most underrated traits: he’s a phenomenal listener.

“Then you kinda brushed it off as a joke,” Luke goes on, “and we didn’t talk about it again, but it felt like we were intentionally not talking about it, like we were both thinking it and just not saying anything. At least I was. I don’t know if you were. But I pretty much haven’t stopped thinking about it, ‘cause obviously if you moved to New York that’d be a huge thing, and I wanted to see what you’re thinking about that. If you even are.” He hesitates. “Even if you were joking when you said it, which I don’t think you were, it’s not a bad idea. It makes sense.”

A deliberate pause follows. Ashton says, “Yeah, that…is definitely a very big thing. And I have been thinking about it. When I said it the first time it was like, half-joking, half-pipe dream kind of thing, but I’ve thought about it a lot since.”

“And?”

Luke holds his breath, but Ashton only shrugs. “I haven’t decided anything. I’ve been talking with my mum about it, but ultimately the decision is mine, and I don’t know. I’m glad you brought it up. Sorry it wasn’t me. I should have said something.”

“No,” Luke says. “Really, it’s okay. I understand it’s a really hard choice.”

“I was going to ask you,” Ashton says. “Just hadn’t figured out how to bring it up again.”

“Since I sounded devastated when you said it the first time?”

Ashton chuckles. “Well, a little bit, but yeah, I just— I guess…with my mum it felt like exploring different options, so it could all be hypothetical, but it felt like if I asked you, my boyfriend, then it’d be, like, really real. In a scary way.”

“The future is very scary,” Luke agrees.

“Yeah. And making decisions that affect my future is also fucking scary. So I don’t know what I’m going to do. But if you have thoughts, I’d love to hear them.”

He’s so earnest when he says it, like he’ll really consider Luke’s point of view, like Luke’s thoughts will influence his decision. That’s far too much power for Luke to hold. He shouldn’t have this much sway over the entity that Ashton is; Ashton’s an adventurous spirit, and insofar as Luke knows, his decisions have always been entirely his own, to the point where he’ll ask for advice only to completely ignore all of it.

Carefully choosing his words, Luke says, “Well, I want you to do what will make you happy. But sadly only you know what that is.”

“Both things will make me happy,” Ashton says. “And both will make me a little sad.”

That’s just growing up, Luke thinks to himself. It doesn’t help to know.

“Okay, let’s try something,” he says. “Just for argument’s sake. I’ll flip a coin. Heads you stay here after graduation, tails you move to New York.” Ashton hums and nods, so Luke goes through the painstaking process of hunting down a coin. When he finds one, he flips it. “Tails. You move. Congratulations! You’re moving to New York. How do you feel?”

Ashton frowns. “Sad,” he says. “I miss you. But also optimistic about the future. Excited. This is not helping.”

“Okay,” Luke says. “I lied before. It actually landed on heads, and you’re not moving after all. You get to stay in Sydney! How do you feel now?”

“Still sad,” Ashton says miserably. “And like I can’t wait to see you and once I see you I’m never letting you go again in my life. Damn it, Luke, why can’t you just move to New York with me?”

Luke exhales. “If I could, I would,” he says. “Believe me, the second I graduate I am outta here. Not staying in Sydney a second longer than I have to. If you want to wait a year, I’d be happy to move to New York with you, but unfortunately you chose a boyfriend who’s a year under you.”

“Stupid age difference,” Ashton says with feeling. “C’mon, just graduate early, it’s not that hard.”

Luke laughs, and Ashton has a wry smile playing at the corners of his lips, though his eyes betray him again; they look dull and defeated in the image on Luke’s phone.

“You don’t have to decide right now,” Luke points out. “In fact, you shouldn’t decide right now, it’d be massively jumping the gun. You really shouldn’t decide until you’re back here. So don’t worry yourself to death over it. One way or another, it’ll all work out.”

“It’s not just going to magically happen,” Ashton sighs. “I know I can’t decide now, but I’ll have to decide eventually.”

“But not alone,” Luke says. “And you’ll have the whole winter to stall if you really want. There’s no deadline for moving to New York, you know?”

“Except I want to,” Ashton says quietly. “I love it here. I would move in a heartbeat if you weren’t in Sydney. Not in a guilt-trippy way, but in an I-love-you-that-much way. Like, what kind of a fucked up choice is this? Move to New York, city of dreams and place where I have a real shot at a career and doing the thing I’m most passionate about, but abandon the love of my life?”

“Hey, woah,” Luke says. “No one’s doing any abandoning. You better not be planning to break up with me if you move. We’ve conquered long-distance once and we could do it again.”

“But I hate it,” Ashton says. “I fucking hate being this far from you. I hate that you’re not here. I miss watching the sunrise. I miss just being with you, and I can’t even imagine sacrificing that again just to— just to pursue a career that I could have at any time.”

It’s the test of Luke’s nightmares. Ashton is giving Luke every opportunity to say yes, you’re right, fuck New York, stay here, and Luke can’t say it. He wouldn’t mean it. In a perfect world, he would — and even in this imperfect world, he wants it — but as it is he can’t in good conscience ask Ashton to quit his dream cold turkey, not even for a year. If Ashton stays, it has to be of his own volition, not because Luke guilted him into it.

None of this makes it easy to swallow down the vehement agreement in favour of more diplomatic words.

“I would miss you,” he says gently. Ashton seems to grow more unhappy. “No, that’s a given. I miss you now, of course I’d miss you if you went to New York, but just like now, it’s not going to kill me. Or you. And don’t forget, as much as you miss me, you’ve also made some really great friends over there. You’ve had incredible experiences. You would never have met those people or done those things if you hadn’t been the crazy, adventurous person you are, and if you had chickened out and not done the semester abroad.”

Ashton nods slowly.

“I’m not saying you should go or stay,” Luke adds, in case Ashton thinks he’s being White Fang-ed. “If you stay here, I’ll be ecstatic. But don’t stay if you’ll be wishing you had gone. Or don’t go if you’ll be wishing you’d stayed here. And, and I cannot stress this enough, don’t decide right this minute.”

“As if I’m in any state to be making decisions.” Ashton rubs his eyes. They come out even more bleary than before. “Okay. You’re right. It’s a problem for future Ashton. God, this is what I needed. I should have just asked you right away. You always make sense of the tangled knot of bullshit in my brain. I don’t know how you do it. Tell me your secrets.”

Filled with something sweeter than melancholy, but adjacent, Luke smiles. “A magician never reveals his secrets.”

“Lame.”

“I love you,” Luke says. “That’s my secret. Is that what you wanted? You wanted me to get super fuckin’ cheesy? Are you happy now?”

A smile cracks Ashton’s worn facade, like the first rays of light climbing over the dawn horizon. “I love you too,” he says, the warmth of the sun in his voice. “To the furthest corners of the furthest galaxy and back. And there and back again.”

“Now who’s cheesy?” Luke says, but it’s daybreak in the conversation, and the sun has scared the monsters away, at least for tonight.

At least for right now.

DAY 110

Halfway through chorale, Calum whispers to Luke, “We’re still getting dinner after this, right?”

Distracted, Luke sings the wrong measure. He stops singing, partially to glare at Calum, partially to get back on the right note, and partially to nod yes, they’re still getting dinner. Calum rejoins his own part without issue, careless that he’s made Luke lose his place. He’s the worst person to stand next to in chorale. Unfortunately, he’s also Luke’s only friend in chorale.

Scratch that. He’s Luke’s only friend in the entire music department.

Chorale can’t end fast enough. Luke is not a fan of their repertoire, and as much as he’d like to say he understands the reasoning behind making them memorise a bunch of Latin shit, he really does not. All it’s done is make him hate Latin.

He and Calum walk out together and head straight for Luke’s car. They’re picking up Michael on their way to dinner, an impromptu plan mostly championed by Calum’s apparent desire to eat somewhere outside the confines of USydney. Neither Luke nor Michael pointed out that Calum goes out more than the two of them combined thanks to the footie team. Luke didn’t bother because he saw no reason to argue when he, too, would gladly house an off-campus burger; he suspects Michael said nothing simply because Michael’s tendency to shut Calum down has become nearly nonexistent as of late. For obvious reasons.

There’s a pair of unread texts on Luke’s phone from a couple hours ago that Luke must have missed in his rush to get to class.

(14:17) ashton: Hi I can’t sleep because FIVE DAYS I get to see you in FIVE DAYS I’m coming home in FIVE DAYYYYYSSSSSSSS just wanted you to know that

(14:17) ashton: I was never here

A swooping feeling has Luke laughing out loud, giddy like a kid about to ride a roller coaster for the first time. The rush right now will be nothing compared to the feeling he’ll have in five days, face to face with Ashton, but for now he’s vibrating out of his skin.

(16:58) luke: SO EXCITED I HOPE YOU’RE ASLEEP BY NOW

“What?” Calum asks as they reach Luke’s car.

“Five days,” Luke says, unable to keep the glee from his voice. “Five days until Ashton is home! That’s less than a week!”

“Wait, seriously? That’s it?”

“THAT’S IT!”

“Wow,” Calum says, and whistles. “Feels like the time flew right by.”

“Not to me,” Luke says. “It feels like the time has been crawling through fucking molasses. I can’t believe I’m going to see him in less than a week. I think I’m shaking.”

“Aww,” Calum says. “It’s so cute how you’re addicted to your boyfriend and have withdrawal symptoms when he’s gone. You guys are so cute.”

“Fuck off,” Luke says, grinning. “You can’t touch me right now.”

“What’s this?”

Calum reaches down to pick something up off the floor, and when Luke glances over, he blinks in surprise. “Oh, it must have fallen out of the visor,” he says. It’s the picture of Ashton. How it ended up on the passenger side floor is a mystery, but the fact that it hasn’t been ruined is a minor miracle.

Calum awws again, but this time it sounds a lot more genuine. “This is such a good picture! When is it from?”

“The day he left,” Luke says. “I took it at our last sunrise. And before you say anything, I know that’s cheesy. I’ve accepted it.”

“I think it’s cute,” Calum says earnestly. “You captured a great moment.” He pauses. “This might sound weird, but I can tell you love him by the way you take his picture. It’s really nice.”

Luke stumbles. The sincerity takes him by surprise — Calum is good at doing that — and puts a fudge-brownie feeling where his heart goes. “Thank you.”

“Why was it in the visor?”

Luke shrugs. “Brought it into the car and decided it should stay here. I like having a picture of him in the car. He drives it enough that it’s really our car, so.”

Calum snorts. “But why not tape it up?”

“I just haven’t.”

“I have tape,” Calum says. Of course he does. “I can put it up while you drive if you want.”

Finding no reason to argue, Luke shrugs again. “Go crazy.”

When Michael gets in the car, his first words are, “Why’s Ashton on the GPS screen?”

“So I don’t get lost in his eyes,” Luke responds without thinking, and after a beat, the whole car starts laughing.

They’re not obvious about it even now that it’s not an open secret, but the little things still feel like neon signs to Luke.

“I’m not sure I’m quite used to this,” he says, gesturing between Michael and Calum. At the moment he’s referring to the way Michael has been thoughtlessly playing with Calum’s restless fingers on the tabletop, but there’s more to it than that. When they parked at the restaurant and got out of the car, Calum and Michael stopped just to kiss hello. On the one hand, it’s impossible to forget that his two best friends are together now; on the other hand, somehow it keeps managing to take him by surprise.

“Welcome to my world,” Michael says, undeterred in his mission to get Calum to stop fidgeting and just hold his hands. “Imagine how I felt when you and Ash got together.”

Luke makes a face, but he can’t really argue with that. “Happy?”

“Sure,” Michael says, rolling his eyes. Smiling, though. He’s smiling a lot these days.

“Speaking of Ash, you know he’s coming back in five days?” Calum pipes up, and finally laces his fingers with Michael like he’s only just realised that had been Michael’s goal all along. For a moment it seems like Michael has gotten what he wanted; then Calum starts drumming their conjoined hands against the table as if they all belong to him now.

“You’re unbelievable,” Michael says, with a distinct note of fondness. “How are you this fidgety? Stop fidgeting!”

Calum’s hands freeze. As if on cue, his knee starts bouncing. “What? That’s what you were aiming for?”

Michael laughs and shakes his head. “No, I just— never mind. Carry on. You’re a weirdo.”

“Your mum’s a weirdo.”

“When I was younger, any time I’d be fidgety at the dinner table, Ben would always give me a death stare ‘til I stopped,” Luke chimes in.

Michael stares at him. “I feel like that explains a lot about you.”

“Agreed,” says Calum.

“Anyway,” Luke says, “Ashton comes home in five days.”

“I know. Calum just said it five seconds ago.”

“Well, I wasn’t sure if you heard him.”

“I’m actually capable of dividing my attention,” Michael says, “unlike some people I know.”

“Don’t hate just ‘cos I’m passionate,” Calum says indifferently.

“Are you getting him from the airport?” Michael asks, but Luke catches the way he squeezes Calum’s hand, like a secret message to confirm that he’s not ignoring Calum, just moving on in the conversation.

Luke misses having a secret language with the person across the table. In five days, he’ll have it back.

“I hope so,” he says. “I’m planning to, but it kind of depends when his flight gets in. I have to ask him about it. Or maybe I’ll ask his mum, since his exams just started which means he’s in permanent mental breakdown mode.”

“Ah, permanent mental breakdown mode, my old friend,” Calum says. “I am dreading exams, lads. It’s bad enough singing in Latin with the whole group, but the fact that I’m being tested on it solo?” He shakes his head. “If I spontaneously combust do you think I still have to take my exams?”

“Probably not,” Michael says. “Considering you would be dead.”

“Not necessarily. I could survive spontaneous combustion.”

“By definition, I’m pretty sure you could not.”

“But hey, being dead would be a great excuse to get out of exams,” Luke points out. “I say do it, Cal.”

“Thank you, Luke,” Calum says. “Your support means everything.”

“I might join you,” Luke says, cheek falling into his hand. “I would also rather spontaneously combust than sing Latin ever again.”

“Sucks to be you guys,” Michael says. “I never have to sing Latin and I’m very happy with my choices in life.”

“Y’know what?” Calum says. “Why don’t you just fuck right off, Michael?”

Michael grins. “Love you too, sugarplum.”

“Eww,” Calum says vehemently. “That has to be the worst one.”

“That? I can do so much worse than sugarplum.”

“Please don’t,” Calum says. “If I beg on hands and knees will you never use a horrifying pet name on me again?”

“No,” Michael says. “Literally nothing you can do would stop me from continuing this joke.”

“How about spontaneous combustion?”

“I’d just do it at your funeral,” Michael says. “Rest in peace, Calum ‘Love Muffin’ Hood. Friend, boyfriend, son, brother, cuddlebug.”

Calum’s head thunks against the table. “That’s it,” he moans. “I’m setting myself on fire at the earliest opportunity.”

“I’m right there with you,” Luke says, reassuringly patting Calum’s back. “My ears are bleeding. I think self-immolation would also get us out of exams, though, so win-win.”

Calum lifts his head slightly and gives Luke a squinty-eyed look. “The hell is self-immolation?”

“Setting yourself on fire.”

“I thought that’s what spontaneous combustion was.”

“No, spontaneous combustion is when you just suddenly combust without any fire or any reason,” Luke says. “Self-immolation is when you set yourself on fire on purpose.”

“Why in the world do we have two different terms for such similar causes of death,” Calum wonders aloud, and it’s a fair question.

“You might not die from self-immolation,” Michael points out. “Technically it’s only the act of setting yourself on fire, not of staying on fire or dying from it or anything. You could put yourself out immediately and it would still have been self-immolation.”

“Oh, so setting myself on fucking fire might not actually kill me, but spontaneous combustion definitely will?” Calum is upright again and in challenger mode. “This is the most fucked-up logic I’ve ever heard.”

A server approaches at this opportune moment to dole out their meals, and Calum sighs and slumps against Luke. “I give up,” he says, then turns to the server. “Hey, mate, question for you: which do you think is worse, spontaneous combustion or final exams?”

“Calum,” Michael says in a pained voice, facepalming. Luke is unfazed. That was a very Ashton thing to do, and Luke is immune to pretty much all of Ashton’s social butterfly side effects by now.

To his credit, the server says, “They’re pretty equal, I would say,” and then, “I’ll be right back with some ketchup,” and walks off before Calum can ask a follow-up.

“Can’t take you fuckin’ anywhere,” Michael says, shaking his head at Calum. Calum just beams like he’s proved some kind of point. Luke’s attention is now entirely on his burger, and he is no longer concerned with matters of self-immolation, spontaneous combustion, or final exams. He’s even managed to put the question of picking Ashton up ( in five days ) out of his mind. Michael and Calum continue bickering about the finer points of various heat-related deaths, and Luke takes a massive bite from his burger, sits back, and listens while he chews.

Anything outside this table is a problem for another day.

DAY 115

Luke checked twice, but this is definitely the Delta baggage claim. The arrivals board says the incoming flight from LAX will find their luggage at carousel 2. No luggage has appeared on carousel 2, and Luke is getting anxious.

Ashton’s connecting flight landed twelve minutes ago, according to the board, the Internet, and the text Luke received from Ashton, with can’t believe you aren’t coming to pick me up tacked on the end. That’s because Luke, seeing an opportunity here, did in fact tell Ashton he would not be coming to pick him up from the airport. Swamped, he said yesterday, and added a billion sad-face emojis to really sell it.

It’s a victimless crime and hopefully a pleasant surprise when Ashton comes to the claim and realises Luke is here after all, and that even a natural disaster couldn’t keep Luke from fetching Ashton from the airport, but in order to maintain the ruse, Luke can’t text him asking where he is. So he’s just waiting. Hovering around carousel 2 and growing increasingly dubious about the reliability of his information.

He’s too eager to check his phone when it buzzes, but the text isn’t from the Irwin he’d hoped.

(14:12) Mama Irwin: Found him yet?

She’s parked outside, waiting. It was nice of her to let Luke go in and get Ashton alone, though she swore he was doing him a favour by not forcing her to park in a garage. When Luke told her about his white lie, she thought it was a wonderfully harmless prank, and also seemed delighted to be in on the joke, so now they’re partners in crime.

(14:12) luke: not yet

(14:12) luke: this is definitely the right place right? there’s no possible way we went to the wrong terminal or something?

(14:13) Mama Irwin: 99%

(14:13) Mama Irwin: I’ll ring him.

Great. That’s one step closer to solving this puzzle, though Luke won’t get the information until Ashton’s mum passes it on, leaving him clueless for the immediate future, no different from before. If he had known how much work it would take to commit to this prank, he might not have doubled down on it.

By now a sparse cluster has formed around carousel 2. This marginally reassures Luke. He considers asking one of them if they’ve come from LAX, but feels too awkward to bother anyone. His gaze keeps switching between the staircase where all the people currently gathered nearby came from and his phone in case Ashton’s mum texts him with an update. The carousel has not made any indication that it will be moving anytime soon.

Most of the passengers look bedraggled, many leaning against each other. A couple with two young girls have split the job; the father has one daughter fast asleep in his arms, her tiny face slumped against his shoulder, while the mother is supervising the other daughter as she plays with the zipper on their carry-on. Both parents look exhausted, but the girls are adorable. Luke wonders if they’re visiting or returning home. Whatever the case, he hopes they get to a place with a bed soon.

Still no sign of Ashton on the stairs. Still nothing from Ashton’s mum on his phone. Luke is getting impatient. How long does it take to get from aeroplane to baggage claim? Realistically, with the time it takes to get off a plane and then walk through the airport, it can’t be more than twenty minutes.

So where is Ashton?

To be fair, Ashton doesn’t know to rush through. He knows his mum is here, but as far as he’s aware Luke is bogged down in his dorm room with an inescapable courseload. Maybe if Luke had just told him he’d be waiting, Ashton would get a move on. Any minute now.

Any second now.

Finally his phone buzzes with news:

(14:22) Mama Irwin: He’s just got through immigration. Should be headed your way! Keep your eyes peeled.

Luke’s heart rate jumps. Immigration. That explains the delay. Luke has never flown internationally; he can’t be blamed for forgetting about the extra steps. But now Ashton is through, and he’s headed Luke’s way.

Any minute now. Any second now. Luke bounces on the balls of his feet, too antsy to stand still. Anticipation has him craning his neck, as if he’ll be able to see up through the stairwell. He keeps seeing feet before full people, and he’s not sure he can identify Ashton by feet alone. What if Ashton got new shoes in New York? What if his calves look different?

The number of people descending to baggage claim is starting to increase. Luke watches the stairs with laser-like focus, and that explains why he doesn’t notice the person approaching until he hears a familiar voice gasp: “Luke?”

Luke only has a moment to switch from the busy staircase to the speaker in front of him before Ashton tackles him with a hug.

This time his heart fully skips several beats. When it surges back to life, he tightens the already-viselike grip he has on Ashton, maximising points of contact.

“You fucking cunt,” Ashton says in his ear, somehow sounding like he’s smiling and crying at the same time. “You’re the most unbelievable person I’ve ever met. I can’t believe you lied to me!”

“It was for a good cause,” Luke protests weakly. “Surprise!”

Ashton squeezes him so tight that for a moment Luke legitimately can’t breathe. He doesn’t even care.

Then Ashton steps back, mere centimetres, enough to look Luke in the eyes. He’s smiling and crying, just as Luke suspected; his hands never leave Luke, don’t even unlink from behind Luke’s neck.

“I love you,” he says, laughing as he shakes his head. “Fuck me, I missed you so much. I love you so much. Thank you for coming.”

“Of course,” Luke says. “I can’t believe you believed me. As if I’d miss this for anything.” He brings a hand to Ashton’s face, wipes the tears before they can fall. “I’m so happy you’re home.”

“Sorry I called you a cunt,” Ashton says, and then breaks down laughing. Luke’s accompanying giggles quickly become laughter of its own, like all his nervous energy and pent-up angst from four months of No Ashton have found a new outlet. For a moment, the world around them goes dim, and only Luke and Ashton remain, laughing deliriously at baggage claim carousel 2 with hands and arms and souls anchored to each other. Nothing else matters.

And then Ashton kisses him and this is all that matters, the first of his hundred-million kiss debt or whatever fucking number Luke chose at random to mean kiss me every day until we die. He missed everything about Ashton but nothing more than this — being near him, touching his face, holding him close. FaceTime is good for a lot, but it can’t give Luke the feeling of Ashton’s chapped bottom lip between Luke’s teeth. It can’t give him the soft strands of Ashton’s unkempt hair curling around his fingers. It can’t pull him closer like Ashton does now, aligning them chest to toes.

They’re not usually big on PDA, but they’re not usually seeing each other for the first time in four months. This deserves a free pass. Bizarrely, Luke thinks of the couple and their two daughters, who are hopefully still passed out or amusing themselves with luggage zippers.

He pulls away at that thought, yielding a last kiss before they part.

“The first thing you did was call me a cunt,” he says. Ashton laughs. “The very first thing! ”

“I’m sorry! You surprised me!”

Luke wraps him in a hug. “ You’re the cunt. But I love you.”

“And I love you. That’s why we work. Both cunts.”

“Both cunts. Cunts in Love, coming soon to a theatre near you.”

“That’s a blockbuster and you know it. That’s a hit film we have on our hands.”

A whirring noise gets both their attention, and in tandem they turn to see carousel 2, finally alive and slowly toting out baggage.

“Come on,” Ashton says. “Let’s get my shit so I can get the fuck out of the airport.”

He starts toward the carousel, but he never lets go of Luke, and that’s more than fine with Luke. As far as Luke is concerned, if Ashton never lets go, it’ll be too soon.

The Irwin reunion is even more tearful. Ashton keeps blaming his propensity for waterworks on jet lag, but the relief is crystal clear in his voice: however much he loved New York, it’s good to be home.

Luke would like nothing more than to skip chorale and help Ashton unpack, but both Irwins insist he attend, so Ashton’s mum navigates them to USyd to drop him off.

“It is so weird to be back,” Ashton says as they pull up to Luke’s dorm. “I’ll walk you in.”

“You don’t have to act like this is your old school from years ago,” Luke says petulantly as they exit the car. “You haven’t even graduated yet. Technically you still go here.”

“Still.” Ashton hums. “Weird.”

“Please don’t make me go to chorale,” Luke says. “If I have to sing in Latin right now I’ll burst into tears.”

“That’s a risk you’ll have to take,” Ashton says seriously.

Luke huffs. “I’ll be infinitely more useful helping you unpack.”

“I’m not unpacking now anyway. I’ve been flying for, like, a full day, I’m exhausted and jet-lagged. Believe me, I won’t be any fun. I’ll probably just pass the fuck out the second I lie down.”

“Then let me unpack for you while you sleep.”

Ashton laughs. “Go to chorale, you truant. You can come after.”

“I’m not going to come if you’re just going to be asleep.” Luke pauses. “Actually, yes I am. Ugh, fine.”

Ashton chuckles and leans in with a bracing hand on Luke’s shoulder. There’s a look in his eye as he kisses Luke, and it’s still there when it ends. Something like melancholy, gazing at Luke as if remembering how to miss him.

It feels like being looked through. Luke is not fond of it.

“Stop it,” he says. “What’s this look?”

“What look?”

“You’re looking at me funny,” Luke says. “What are you thinking? Something emo?”

Ashton sighs. “Just about how much I missed you.”

“Nope,” Luke says. “Calling your bluff. You don’t miss me anymore, I’m right here. Try again.”

A laugh. “Well, I did miss you,” Ashton says. “I certainly missed these talks.”

“Try again,” Luke repeats, prodding Ashton’s chest, partly for emphasis and partly because now Ashton is here and solid and Luke can.

“You need to go to class,” Ashton tells him.

“Deflecting. Stop it. I’m not going until you tell me what you’re thinking about. You can’t just hang up on me anymore.”

“I never once hung up on you!”

“And now you never can.” Luke cocks his head. “C’mon. Spill.”

Ashton presses his lips together. The glittery amusement colouring his expression fades. Quietly, he says, “I was trying to imagine deciding to leave again.”

Reality bodychecks Luke.

“Oh.”

“It felt very possible, and very impossible at the same time,” Ashton says. “Like I know for a fact I can do it, but at the same time I know exactly how it feels and why would I ever do that again. He sighs. “So no, before you ask, I’m no closer to having any idea what I’m doing about my future.”

A horrifying topic, the future. Something Luke has tried and failed to avoid thinking about. It’s coming up on exam season, and all of Luke’s available energy has been directed towards not failing those. That and Ashton, who is now home in Luke’s arms and talking about leaving again. He’s been back in Sydney for less than an hour and already he’s contemplating his next departure.

“You asked,” Ashton adds.

“I wasn’t regretting asking,” Luke says, furrowing his brow.

“You had a look.”

“It was my thinking look.”

“It was a pretty bleak thinking look,” Ashton says.

Luke makes a face and shakes his head. “It’s a problem for later,” he says. Declares. “For the far, far future. You keep making your pros/cons list and we can talk about it another day in the distant, post-exams future, but until then, I’m not worrying about it. I’m not even thinking about it at all. You’ll be here all winter. Right?”

“Definitely here for winter,” Ashton confirms.

“Then you have the entire winter to decide what to do after that,” Luke says. “And whether you decide to stay here next year or to go back to New York, I’m not going to spend the next three months with you stressing about this, especially if they could be my last three months with you for a long time. And you shouldn’t either.”

“You asked!”

“I’m not saying don’t think about it!” Luke insists. “Just don’t stress about it. Whatever happens happens, and we’ll be fine either way, ‘cause I love you and I mean it, and you love me to the moon and back—”

“And all the way around Texas,” Ashton jumps in, smiling a bit. “I kept forgetting to use that one.”

“And all the way around Texas, right. So…” Luke shrugs and takes Ashton’s hands in his own. “Basically what I’m saying is, everything is fine and there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Sceptical but intrigued by this outlook,” Ashton says. “You’ve changed. I like it.”

“Yeah?”

“Confident, decisive, and aggressively chill about the ineffability of the future,” Ashton says. “I mean, talk about sexy. I’m buying what you’re selling. Nothing to worry about, you say?”

“Nothing at all,” Luke says, grinning, “and do you know why?”

Ashton raises his eyebrows in amusement, like he’s about to be brought in on a conspiratorial secret. “Why?”

“Simple,” Luke says. “What time is it?”

Ashton looks confused, but checks his phone. “3:02?”

“Exactly,” Luke says, and holds up his screen. “It’s 3:02. For both of us.”

A slow smile overtakes Ashton’s face, spreading like water through paper, glowing like sunlight through stained glass.

“Welcome back to Sydney time,” Luke says. “No more mental maths. No more different stories. You don’t get to live in the past anymore, and I don’t get to be in the future. We’re just both here, in the present, at the same time, and we’re living the same story together, and wherever it goes is wherever it goes. Sound good?”

To date, this is still the most beautiful sunrise Luke’s ever seen: the shining dawn of Ashton’s smile lighting up his eyes.

“Sounds good to me,” he says. “This is my favourite chapter yet.”

Notes:

special thanks to annie for the story of the kid on the subway! that is about 80% true and it happened to annie so you have her to thank for its hilarity.
anyway! i hope you enjoyed this wild and wacky fic journey! it was fun to write, mostly. you can reblog it here if you're so inclined (there's a fun moodboard) and you can also just come chat with me on tumblr if that's your jam. happy new year y'all!! see ya in the next one xoxo

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