Work Text:
When Nick gets back from the gym that morning, he can already tell something is wrong. It’s just past 8 am and Charlie would usually be awake by now, moving around the kitchen finding something to eat while he waits for Nick to return. It’s their routine, Charlie loves routines. Routines help Charlie, so when Nick notices how quiet the flat is and doesn’t hear Charlie humming along to whatever song he’s obsessed with at the moment, he knows.
He removes his shoes and leaves them on the rack next to the door and shrugs his jacket off. He got to work tidying up the living room from the previous night when he and Charlie had their friends over for their monthly movie night. He had meant to clean last night, but it had been extremely late once the group of friends had finally left his and Charlie’s place, the younger boy said he just wanted to go to bed. Nick frowns when he realises he should’ve known an episode was coming on for Charlie last night based on that fact alone.
Once he had finished gathering the trash and throwing it away, he folded up the spare blankets and put them in their rightful spot, the hall closet. After he had also done the dishes and threw a load of laundry in the wash, he made his way down the hall to their bedroom.
Ever so slowly, attempting to not make a single sound, Nick opened the bedroom door and peered inside. Just as he suspected, Charlie was still in bed. He had the comforter pulled up over his head and Nick frowned.
After trying to figure out the best way to approach his boyfriend and ask him what was going on, Nick finally settled with a soft “Char?”
Charlie didn’t give him a verbal response, but did give a quiet hum of acknowledgment.
Okay, so not asleep then. Nick tiptoed across the room and sat on the edge of the bed, gently pulling the covers off of Charlie’s head.
“Oh, baby. ” Nick whispered seeing Charlie’s tear stained cheeks. “What’s the matter?”
Charlie doesn't say anything, just buries himself deeper under the cover.
Nick runs his hands up the outline of Charlie’s body, stopping once he reached his hair. He gently runs his fingers through his boyfriends curls and Charlie leans into the touch, still without saying a word.
“Can you look at me? Please?”
There’s no reply, Nick didn’t think there would be, but Charlie turns to where he’s lying on his back so Nick can get a good look at him. His eyes are red and puffy and Nick’s heart aches .
“Sorry,” Charlie chokes out, more tears threatening to spill.
Nick shakes his head and contiues to scratch his fingers lightly over Charlie’s scalp. “Don’t apologise for this. Never apologise for feeling this way, remember?”
Charlie whimpers softly and takes a deep breath. Holds it for ten seconds, Nick makes sure to count in his head. Then releases it for another ten.
“Bad day. Don’t know why,” He starts and Nick gives him a small smile, urging him to continue. He knows that sometimes when Charlie has his bad days, it’s hard for him to articulate his feelings properly. He usually needs the whole day to just decrompress and not do much of anything, especially not thinking.
When Charlie bites the inside of his cheek and blinks a few times in lieu of saying anything more, Nick asks “Do you just- want to stay in bed? Rest a while?”
The younger man nods and gnaws at his bottom lip.
“Sorry,” He replies again and Nick rolls his eyes but leans down to place a gentle kiss to Charlie’s forehead.
“It’s okay, sweetheart. Promise.”
“You wanted to run errands and now,”
“Now I can still do that. I can go on my own, Char. You stay here. Sleep, alright?” Nick kisses him again, this time a soft, chaste kiss to Charlie’s lips before standing up.
“I’ll be home in a few hours. Call me if you need anything, okay?”
“Mmhmm.”
“I love you.” Nick tells him like he’s worried Charlie has forgotten. Worried that he’s forgotten that even when his depression has weaved its way back to the front of his mind, he is still deserving of Nick’s love.
Nick just barely catches Charlie’s quiet, “I love you too.”
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
Nick loves his mum. He thinks that she’s probably the best person he knows, other than Charlie. One of the main reasons he thinks this is because last summer she moved to London and now he gets to see her more frequently than he used to when she had lived back in Kent. He knows she moved here because she got a better job opportunity and with both her children out of the house, it didn’t make much sense to stay in Kent. However, Nick liked to think the fact that London was home for him and Charlie as well helped influence her decision.
Today is one of the days that he is so grateful his mum is now only a ten minute car ride away from his flat rather than the hour it would take to get to Kent. The moment he knocked on her door unexpectedly, Sarah Nelson took one look at her son and pulled him inside before turning the kettle on to make him a much needed cuppa.
“I just wish I knew how to help him.”
Nick slowly raises his mug to his lips and takes a sip of his tea. His mum is watching him carefully as he does so with a look on her face that Nick can’t quite decipher.
“I think you already are, Nicky.” She replies softly, reaching out to rest her hand on his own.
“I’m not doing anything though mum, that’s the thing isn’t it? Like I’ll never understand how he feels completely because I don’t have depression and I just—” He looks down at the table and blinks back tears.
“I just want to help him mum.” He whimpers as he feels Sarah’s arms wrap around him.
“I know, baby. I know,” She murmurs quietly into his hair.
The thing is, Nick knows that he’ll never truly understand why Charlie has bad days. He gets the general idea of it, recovery isn’t linear. There will be great days where Charlie has made amazing progress that makes Nick’s heart want to leap out of his chest. On the other side of that though, there are days, like today, that make all that progress crumble. Where Nick’s heart aches for his boyfriend because he knows he’ll blame himself for feeling like he does. And Nick doesn’t know how to make him not feel that way. Which makes his heart ache with pain for Charlie even more.
“Why don’t you go home, hmm? Maybe just do some baking or watch the telly?” Sarah suggests, kissing the top of Nick’s head.
“I need to run by Tesco to get things for lunch and dinner, so maybe.”
Sarah gives him a soft smile and nods. He stands up and wraps her into a crushing hug. Hoping it conveys how thankful he is for her. How much he appreciates her love and support, through everything in his life.
“Love you, mum.” He mumbles.
“I love you too, Nicky.” She tells him while wiping the tears from his eyes. He didn’t realise he had started crying again. “It’ll get better soon.”
Nick inhales sharply and nods at his mother’s words. It will get better soon. It has to.
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
Nick wanders aimlessly through the aisles of Tesco, not really knowing exactly what he even came for. Charlie usually makes the grocery list and Nick just tags along because he loves doing anything and everything with Charlie. He knows he at least has to pick up something either premade or easy to make for lunch and dinner, though. Maybe some fruit too, just to try and get Charlie to have some sort of nutrients in his body.
Nick knows that whenever he has an episode, Charlie’s biggest fear is he’ll have a relapse in his anorexia. He also knows that Charlie is aware that won’t happen. Because he has Nick there to help make sure it doesn’t happen. But he worries anyway. So, he grabs a few of Charlie’s favourite easy meals and tosses them in the basket. Then, he heads to the fruit section to get Charlie’s favourites of those too.
Once Nick is satisfied with the assortment of easy meals and fruits he’s thrown in the cart, he makes his way to the front so he can check out and get home to Charlie as soon as possible. Charlie hasn’t tried to call or text, and Nick knows that it’s because he’s hopefully sleeping. Not because he’s ignoring him, since Nick hasn’t called or texted to check in on him either. At this realisation, he decides to send a quick text to Charlie, just letting him know that he’ll be on his way home soon.
Me: about to leave tesco now, then i’ll be headed to you x
stopped by mums for a bit before. she says hi and sends her love btw
okay checking out now. see you soon my love xxxxx
He isn’t expecting a response any time soon, or one at all for that matter, so he pockets his phone and begins to scan his items. It doesn’t take as long as it usually would since he only gets about a fourth of what he and Charlie typically get while on a shopping run. He pays for the groceries and quickly exits the store, wanting to get back to his boyfriend sooner rather than later.
He’s about to put the key in the ignition when his phone chimes, indicating a text. He hurriedly starts the car and pulls his phone out of his pocket in case it’s Charlie.
It’s not. Nick can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Probably best, he thinks. It means Charlie is resting. He needs rest.
He unlocks his phone and opens his Whatsapp to see the string of messages Tara has sent him.
Tara Jones: Hey Nick!
Darcy and I were wondering if you and Charlie wanted to come out with us tonight?
Was thinking we could watch the new Avatar movie and then maybe go to a pub?
Nick’s fingers fly over his phone screen as he quickly types a reply, sending a few messages back of his own.
Me: Hey, T.
I’m sorry but we can’t :(
Charlie isn’t feeling too well today so he’s been sleeping on and off.
Another time?
While it isn’t technically a lie, Nick still feels a little bad for telling Tara his boyfriend isn’t feeling well. Their friends all know that there are bad days for Charlie. With how many good days he’s had lately, Nick wonders if they’re all waiting for a bad one. It’s a shitty thing to wonder, but he can’t help it. It’s something that’s always hidden in the back of his mind, a thought he usually doesn’t allow to creep to the forefront. Today though, all he wants is to make Charlie’s bad day a good one.
His phone chimes again. Twice.
Tara Jones: Oh no, poor Charlie :(
Bad mental health day?
Nick replies with a simple yes :( before pocketing his phone again and beginning the drive home.
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
Nick arrives home and makes quick work with the shopping bags, putting everything in its designated spot in the kitchen and fridge. He grabs a strainer from their cabinets and dumps the strawberries into it, turning on the tap. He washes the fruit before setting them on a paper towel to dry while he searches for a cutting board.
He definitely doesn’t need to cut the strawberries into four pieces, Charlie is an adult and can eat them just fine, sure. But he also knows that the younger man likes when they’re cut a certain way because them being smaller helps him. So, Nick cuts the strawberries. Then, he places them into a bowl and grabs a water bottle from the fridge before making his way to their shared bedroom.
“Hey Char,” Nick opens the door steps inside. “You awake?”
“Mmm.”
Nick grins, walking slowly to their bed and sits on the edge like he had earlier that morning before he tells Charlie, “I brought you some strawberries. And water.”
Charlie pokes his head out for a moment to look at Nick, who gives him a lopsided grin.
“Not hungry,” He whispers and goes to tuck himself further into the bed, as if he wanted it to swallow him whole. Nick stops him by placing a calloused palm to his cheek.
“You haven’t eaten breakfast yet,” Nick tries again, moving his hand to push the curls from Charlie’s eyes. Charlie would probably, no, definitely, say needs a haircut but Nick loves his longer hair.
He hears Charlie take a deep breath. Then doesn’t hear anything for ten seconds until he releases the air he’s holding in.
“Okay.”
He feels Charlie shuffling under the comforter before he pulls it off of his face and blinks up at Nick. Suddenly, he’s staring down at gray blue eyes that remind him of the sky right before it storms. When most people think of a rainy sky or storm clouds, they think of how dreary and dull it makes the day. But when Nick thinks of storm clouds, he thinks of the calmness a storm brings. The peace after the storm has finally ended. But mainly, he thinks of how beautiful Charlie’s eyes are.
“Did you,” Charlie begins to ask and Nick is already nodding his head, another bright smile appearing on his lips.
“Cut them into fours? Course I did, sweetheart.”
He sets the bowl on the bedside table next to them and reaches his hands out to help Charlie sit up. Charlie accepts them and scoots up until his back is against the headboard.
“There’s my beautiful boy,” Nick whispers.
Charlie’s cheeks are tinged with a soft pink and he looks down at his hands before he mumbles a quiet, “shut up.”
Grabbing the bowl, he places it gently in Charlie’s lap. Next he hands him the water. “You don’t have to eat it all, but try to drink the water at least, okay?”
Charlie isn’t looking at him though, he’s staring down at the cut up fruit in front of him. He swallows thickly before picking up a piece of the fruit. He holds it just in front of his lips and lets out a slow breath. Then, he opens his mouth and quickly pops it into it. He chews slowly. Nick isn’t sure if it’s because he’s savoring the taste or if he’s too nervous to swallow it. Once he does though, he looks up at Nick and bites the inside of his cheek.
“Thank you.”
Nick nods at him, a silent you're welcome and leans forward to press a chaste kiss to Charlie’s lips.
“Are you going to stay with me?”
Nick remembers what Charlie had said to him a few months ago whenever he told him the extent of his eating disorder and his OCD. He told him that sometimes he can’t have anyone watching him eat because that makes him more nervous. And when he’s nervous he gets nauseous. But, if he asks, it’s okay to stay with him.
“Is that what you need?” Once the question left his lips, Nick is jolted back to a memory where they were in a similar position and Nick was asking Charlie the same question he was now.
Charlie hasn’t left the bed all day. Something’s wrong and he won’t tell Nick what it is. He’s irritable and moody and has yelled at Nick three separate times in the time span of ten minutes.
“Will you please just drop it?”
“No I won’t. Not until you just fucking tell me-”
Charlie throws the covers off and is suddenly standing up, toe to toe with Nick. Nick’s taken aback by the sudden closeness of his boyfriend and the look of exhaustion in his eyes.
“I’m having a bad day Nick.”
“Well obviously I can see that but,”
Charlie just shakes his head and groans in annoyance. “No, like— fuck. Sometimes I get in my head, right? Like my depression hits really bad and I have a depressive episode and I don’t know why. That’s what’s wrong.”
Nick watches as Charlie curls in on himself after his outburst. He crawls back into the bed and turns, bringing his knees up to his chest. Nick doesn’t know what to say. So, he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he crawls into bed right next to Charlie, careful to not touch him. He knows whenever some people have emotional outbursts they don’t like to be touched afterwards. He’s never seen his boyfriend have one quite like this, so he isn’t sure what to do.
Luckily, he doesn’t have to ponder in his thoughts for long, because Charlie is already inching his way towards him. Nick turns to face him. Charlie’s eyes are red and puffy. His cheeks are swollen. Nick reaches out and smooths his thumbs over them.
“Are you going to stay with me ?” Charlie’s voice is hoarse. It cracks at the end and Nick wants to cry too. He didn’t know that Charlie was feeling this way. How did he not know?
“Is that what you need?” He finally asks.
Charlie nods.
“Then I’ll stay.”
Charlie has only eaten a few of the cut up strawberries by the time Nick comes back to the present. He looks down at the bowl, then back at Charlie.
“Char, do you need me to stay while you eat, or do you need me to go?” Nick presses again. Charlie bites the inside of his cheek.
“I think,” He bites another piece of the fruit. “I think I need you to go.”
Nick smiles at him again.
“Good, boundaries are good, Char. I’ll just go start on lunch to put in the fridge for later, okay? I’ll be down the hall if you need me.”
Charlie swallows and nods at Nick, whispering out another “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me for caring about you, Charlie.”
Nick doesn’t wait to hear, or see, if Charlie is going to respond to that. He just presses another kiss to his lips. Not for any particular reason other than the fact that he can and kissing Charlie is one of his favourite pleasures in the world, and walks out of their room without another word.
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
The rest of the day passes by much the same. Nick doing some random household chores while he lets Charlie have his space and rest. He calls his mum and speaks to her for nearly an hour, trying to be as quiet as he can so that Charlie doesn’t hear.
He’s just finishing up cleaning from when he cooked dinner for himself when his phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Nicholas!” Darcy’s voice booms through the speaker causing Nick to pull it from his ear and flinch.
“Hi, Darcy,” he says once he’s composed himself from the near deafening he just got.
“Tara said Charlie’s not been feeling well? How’s he now?”
“Oh, um, I think he’s okay now. He’s been resting a bit so— yeah. I think he’s okay.”
There’s music coming from the phone and Nick laughs before asking her, “Are you at a club, Darce?”
“Yes! But I wanted to call and check in on Charlie! You haven’t answered the texts in the group chat.”
Nick’s brow furrows at her explanation and puts her on speaker for a moment so he can open Whatsapp and click on their group chat.
Paris Squad (All grown up!)
Darcy Olsson: Nicholas!
Tara said Charlie is having a bad day
:((((
Anything we can do to help?
Tao Xu: he is?
nick, why didn’t you let us know? He’s okay right?
Elle Argent: oh my poor charlie :(
Aled Last: Ah that’s why he hasn’t replied to me either.
Send him love from Daniel and I please x
Tao Xu: still wish you had told us. we could’ve come over to help
Tara Jones: Tao! I didn’t mean to worry everyone. You know he’s okay with Nick. Nick said he’s been sleeping on and off so I’m sure he’s fine.
Sahar Zahid: send charlie all the good vibes from me nick, please <3
Well, shit.
Nick had been so worried about keeping the house clean in order to keep his mind preoccupied with the fact that he couldn’t do more to help Charlie with his episode, he hadn’t even thought to check his texts. He knows that Tao means well, but even now he still feels a bit intimidated by just how protective he is of his best friend. He bites the inside of his cheek and types out a few messages as a reply to send while still on the phone with Darcy.
Paris Squad (All grown up!)
Me: fuck i’m so sorry you guys. i haven’t been checking my phone today, i’ve just been trying to keep myself busy.
i’ll let charlie know that you guys are thinking about him and let him know to respond whenever he’s feeling up for it.
i know he appreciates you guys. thank you for checking in, but i think he’ll be okay. just needs a day to himself :(
A response comes through almost immediately and he knows exactly who it would be before he even looks down.
Tao Xu: has he eaten today? anything at all??
Me: yeah, got him to eat some strawberries throughout the day and he ate a small portion of pasta about 20 mins ago.
Tao Xu: oh. good. thanks nick
Me: anything for him
Nick turns his attention back to the other end of the line where Darcy is chanting his name over and over in between giggles.
“Sorry, D. Felt like I should reply before the day was over,” Nick chuckles and places the hand on the back of his neck, rubbing it.
“No worries Nicky, my guy! I’m gonna get back to dancing with Tara but keep us posted! Love you!”
He barely gets out his own, “Love you, too,” before the phone line goes dead.
He looks at the time.
22:19.
It’s a bit earlier than he usually goes to bed on a Saturday, but he decides that he should try to sleep anyway. Tomorrow is a new day, and if it’s another bad one for Charlie, he wants to be sure he’s well rested to take care of the younger man the best that he can.
He softly pads down the hall, pausing for a moment outside their door before knocking gently. There’s no reply, so he assumes Charlie has already fallen asleep for the night.
He shucks off his slippers and pulls his shirt over his head, discarding it across the room. He’ll pick it up tomorrow. Now, he just wants to get into bed.
He maneuvers the covers back and crawls in next to Charlie, softly placing his arm across his waist. He stretches out a moment, tangling their legs together and tries to get comfortable. He can’t, though. He’s used to being the little spoon when they cuddle. He whines and just admits defeat, holding Charlie close. He closes his eyes and tightens his grip.
He’s just about to let his exhaustion take over when he feels the bed shift, and suddenly there’s a weight on him that wasn’t there before. Charlie’s head is now laying atop Nick’s chest, his arm around his waist.
“Turn over,” He mumbles and presses a soft kiss to Nick’s skin.
Nick doesn’t have to be told twice, turning over quickly and feeling Charlie pressed up against his back, holding him close.
“Better?”
“Mmm,” He mumbles in response, sporting a soft smile he knows Charlie can’t see, but he can probably hear it in his voice.
It’s quiet for a few moments, and Nick thinks Charlie has fallen back asleep, so he rests his arm over his boyfriends, interlacing their fingers.
In the dim light of their bedroom, only lit up by the street lamps outside that their curtains never seem to be able to completely block out, Charlie sniffles.
“Thank you.” He presses a kiss to Nick’s shoulder.
“For what?”
“Not giving up on me.”
Nick lets out a strangled noise, something between a whine and a sob and he tightens his grip on Charlie’s hand.
“Never, Char,” Nick brings their clasped hands to his lips and presses the faintest of kisses to Charlie’s hand. “I love you so much.”
Charlie doesn’t reply, but Nick feels the soft little tufts of his breath against his neck, indicating he had fallen asleep.
Nick knows he’ll never get it. He knows he will never understand the gravity of the situation sometimes, but he also knows that there isn’t a day he won’t try to get it. As long as he’s alive and able, he will always make sure Charlie Spring knows just how much he deserves to be happy and how much he deserves the love that Nick has to offer.