Work Text:
“Before we start to copulate, I just want you to answer this questionnaire about your preferences first.”
“………”
“Here you go.”
“My number one preference is for you to stop talking about this.”
“This is an opportunity that I greatly treasure. I merely wish to ensure that it is a pleasurable experience on your end. On that note, according to my research, much of the dissatisfaction about sex stems from failing to properly communicate regarding one’s likes and dislikes. I will certainly like anything Saitama-sensei would enjoy, because to know that Saitama-sensei enjoys something is more than enough to bring me joy. That said, I know that sensei has not had the chance to show his prowess to other people. It is possible that you have not had much thought about what would you prefer, so if you’d like, I can show you a compilation of data I’ve researched regarding this matter. If you trust me, I’ve made an abridged and annotated version that has my suggestions of what would you probably enjoy.”
“How are you still talking about this!”
“It is very important to me, sensei. Your first time only happens once in your entire lifetime, so it must be nothing short of perfect, as sensei deserves!”
“I’m beginning to regret ever agreeing to this. At this point, it wouldn’t even happen once!”
“Rest assured that I’ve also practiced with various fruit in order to ensure that I can keep you going.”
“Do I even want to know? Wait, is that why there’s a godawful amount of banana peels on the floor last week?!”
“Please don’t be alarmed, it’s not that I think that a mere banana could match your level of endowment. However, I’ve been reassured by chatting with a proclaimed expert, kingofsex6969, that bananas are the way to go.”
“…Oi, you didn’t go ahead and got scammed by some sex chatbot, did you?”
“Sensei, there’s not enough balance in your card, so I’m certain that they didn’t even try to take any money.”
“Stop looking so smug when you say that!”
“Worry not, tomorrow morning, I shall make sure to present ourselves in front of the civil registration office so we could register our relationship. I am not worthy of becoming sensei’s husband, but I shall continue to strive every day of my life.”
“Ha? Wait, wait, wait, who the hell mentioned anything about marriage!”
“According to my research on various books and peer-reviewed publications on the site called AO3, copulation is followed by a fervent declaration of affection, and then the resolve to marry each other.”
“Should I send you for some repair? Did your head get knocked by that Fire Lizard last time?”
“I appreciate your concern for me, sensei. My body is 100% fine, and very ready to copulate with you.”
“Can you not say such things while making that face?! Also, what the hell is going on with your hand! Why is it vibrating?!”
“That is part of the questionnaire, sensei. What level of vibration would you prefer?”
“Can we not do this at all?! That questionnaire is thicker than the table!”
“If we are not able to copulate tonight, that would mean that we would not be able to have a heart-pounding declaration of love, which would mean that we would not be able to present ourselves tomorrow to register our marriage. And that would mean not merging our bank accounts, which would mean that sensei’s bank balance would continue to be in single digits.”
“………………give me that questionnaire.”
“Yes, Saitama-sensei!”
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end