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(Start of recording.)
(A loud click. Muttered cursing. Uproarious laughter from Joker. Sirens blare in the distance. A loud crash.)
“Greetings, Batman. Oswald Cobblepot speaking-”
“I wanna talk! I wanna talk!”
“Harley, please wait your turn. Batman, we hope this recording finds you in good spirits, and not too beaten up from your latest run-in with one of us-”
“Yo, Bat-Butt, we know you're a smart guy, but we thought we'd lend a hand and give you some tips on how to deal with our green-clad friend-”
“-all right, that does it. Give me that mic! Now listen carefully, Batman. We, the Gotham Rogues, have noticed that you and Riddler have been spending a lot of time together lately. We know that he can be a bit of a handful, so we thought we'd give you some advice on how to deal with him. For your own safety as well as his.”
“Okay, my turn, let me speak!”
“No, let me speak!”
“Oh, let me give him some advice, I know a thing or two about men.”
“For the love of…!”
“Can we please focus on the task at hand? I really don’t want to waste any more time on this nonsense than absolutely necessary.”
“Shut up, Crane. Now Batman, listen up. We’ve gotten together to dispense some time-earned wisdom-”
“Speaking of time, we don’t got a lot of it, can we start already?!”
“Very well, Harvey. Selina, stop elbowing me this instant! One at a time, all of you, come up here and give your names.”
“Why? Bats already knows our names!”
“Well, then, at least state your names before beginning to speak so Batman can distinguish between the rabble of voices this farce is quickly going to become.”
(An exasperated sigh. Much jostling and shoving. A small shriek of pain. Loud giggling.)
“Oh, this is gonna be soooo good! I can't wait to hear this!”
“Joker, please control yourself. Ow! All right, Penguin here, I’m going to go first with the simplest. Do not harm Edward in any way, shape, or form.”
"That’s not a tip, Oz! Listen Batman, if you want to keep Riddler in line, you gotta keep him on a tight leash. Make sure he knows who's boss."
(A kerfuffle.)
"I disagree. Batman, you gotta give Riddler some room to breathe. Let him have his little riddles and puzzles, but make sure he knows the consequences if he steps out of line."
"Oh please, you two. Bruce, honey, just play along with Eddie's little games. He's like a cat, he loves to play chase. Just make sure you're the one doing the chasing."
“Wow, Selina, big talk.”
(Several whipcracks.)
"Brucie, don't listen to any of them. Just treat Eddiekins like he's your little pet. Give him a little treat when he's good, and a little punishment when he's bad. He'll love it!"
“Ewww, Harley. No he won’t.”
“Victor Fries here. Batman, listen to me. Riddler is like a delicate snowflake. Too much rough treatment and he'll melt away.”
"Oh, Freeze, you always take things too seriously. Batman, just let Ed be himself. He's just a silly little man who wants to play games. And who are we to deny him that?"
(Shoving. A grunt.)
“Riddler good man. Batman no hurt Riddler.”
(Jostling.)
“Treat him kindly, Batman, mind me- make him a tea party guest, he'll love you best!”
“I’m hungry, you guys-“
“Ow, get off! Bats, make sure to keep his mind stimulated. Edward loves a good puzzle, as you’ve probably noticed. Crosswords and sudokus are great for when you want to keep him quiet.”
(Several loud thuds.)
“Just remember, Brucie dear, Eddie's a bit of a show-off. So make sure you give him plenty of attention and compliments.”
“Attention and compliments? Are you kidding me, Catwoman? Batman needs to use fear to control Riddler. Crane here, Batman- make him think twice before crossing you.”
(Loud whistling of ‘Smooth Criminal’.)
“Zsasz, shut it! Batman, ignore him. Him and Crane.”
(Laughter. Louder whistling. Several gunshots. Uproarious laughter from Joker. A meaty smacking sound.)
“Riddler smart. Batman smart. Together, they smart.”
“Owwwwwie! Get off my foot!”
"If you ever need to discipline him, Batman, take my advice and use fear. Riddler's a big scaredy-cat."
"Yeah, yeah, scare him good."
“Don’t you dare scare Eddie, Bruce! I will claw your eyes out.”
“Thank you, Selina. And Batman, this is Poison Ivy- don't ever forget to treat him with respect. Edward is a rare specimen, not just some toy for you to play with.”
“But he’s a wiiiiiiiild ride! Just make sure to keep up!”
(Sirens and crashing.)
“You guys! I’m hungryyyyyyyyyy!”
“Shut up!”
“Uh, not to interrupt, but I think we got some unwanted guests knocking-“
“Stall ‘em! This is important.”
(Heavy footsteps. Crunching. A string of filthy language.)
“Tick-tock, tick-tock, with Dormouse it’s always five o’clock!”
“Oh yeah, the OCD. You’re gonna have to be patient with him, Bats. He's also a bit of a control freak sometimes.”
“You need to give him space, but also keep him in check.”
“Yeah, and don't try to control him. He needs to be free to be himself.”
“Hee hee! He’s quite a card, our Ed! Play your hand right, or you'll be laughing on the other side of your face."
(Loud whistling of ‘Bad’.)
“For the love of- will you shut up, Zsasz? We're trying to give Batman some advice here!”
“Yeah, yeah. Look, guys, here’s how it’s done. Hi Batsy, Vic Zsasz here. If you hurt Ed, I'll be carving tally marks on your skin. And then a nice new one for me. If you get my drift."
“That’s not advice! Stuff like how to keep Edward happy!”
“If you want to keep Eddie really happy, you gotta be a little more... romantic.”
(Loud cackling.)
“Romantic? Ha! Riddler's a man of intellect, Batman. Challenge him, make him think.”
“Make sure to feed him. …I'm hungryyyyyyyy!”
“Yeah, Ed can get hangry pretty easily.”
“Riddler good man. Batman treat him good, or Grundy smash.”
“Yes, yes. Treat him well, Mr. Wayne. Or we'll treat you poorly.”
“And don't try to change him. He's perfect just the way he is.”
“He is not! Yes he is! No he isn’t!”
(Loud whistling of ‘Just Beat It’. Yells from all present for Zsasz to shut up. Uproarious laughter from Joker.)
“Riddler's mind is a maze, but if you can navigate it, you'll be rewarded.”
“Oooh, look at you with the fancy words!”
“I’m hungryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”
“Ow!”
“Give him time to acclimate to new experiences. Don’t expect him to thaw too quickly.”
(Much jostling, shoving. Smacking sounds.)
“Penguin again- get off of me, Harley! In conclusion, Batman, just remember that should Edward show even the slightest signs of being unhappy, you’ll have the whole Rogues Gallery to answer to.”
“Yeah, you hear that? You mess with Riddler, you mess with all of us!”
“Yeah! He's our little bro, and if you lay a finger on him, we'll have your Bat-butt for breakfast!"
“Our annoying nerdy little weirdo of a bro who forgets to eat and sleep half the time and alternates between bragging and whining and who’s basically a human cat!”
(A heavy sigh.)
“All right, that's enough, everyone. Batman, treat Riddler with respect and you'll be fine.”
“That’s not good enough! Treat him like a prince!”
“Like a queen, the White Queen!”
“I’M HUNGRYYYYYYYYYYYYY!”
(Sirens. Loud thumping. Muffled yelling.)
“Guys guys guys we gotta leave NOW!”
“Oof-”
“So that’s all, Bats! You’re on your own from here on out!”
"No he's not, he has our numbers-"
"And he's gonna need a looooot more help! Bet he calls one of us in a panic before five days."
"Four."
"Three at most."
“Remember, Bruce, we'll be watching you!”
(A loud, splintering crash. Yelling. Dogs barking. Hissing from Catwoman. Gunshots. Loud whistling. Uproarious laughter from Joker.)
(End of recording.)