Work Text:
CAST (in order of appearance)
TOMMY - an artificially made human, TUBBO’s best friend, shoddily made and increasingly strange in stupid ways. Worries less than he should.
TUBBO - a ram hybrid, TOMMY’s best friend, nuclear physicist and inventor of nuclear warheads, president of Snowchester. Worries a bit too much, though he tries to hide it.
[ setting:
The two are in a nuclear silo going from the surface to the bottom of the earth. A staircase swirls around the inside, a large nuclear warhead taking up the direct centre of the structure, though it comes to a thin taper closer two thirds of the way up the structure. A workshop sits through a door in the wall, alongside a platform containing the launch controls. There are two other doors, unopened. They are inside the workshop, cluttered with all sorts of tools, blueprints and materials. ]
TOMMY is staring at the walls, there are nuclear warning symbols on them.
TOMMY
Huh. I recognise those symbols.
TUBBO
Where from?
TOMMY
So you know how I was made in a lab, right?
TUBBO [ idly ]
Mhm.
TOMMY
And like before Wilbur found me there was like a lot of weird science shit?
TUBBO
Yeesss? I don’t like where this is going.
TOMMY
Yea, well, basically everywhere I went they had that symbol on the walls. Something about the lab being a ‘radioactive zone’ and ‘dangerous for most living beings’.
TUBBO [ incredulously ]
Tom.
TOMMY
Toby.
TUBBO
Tom, did they ever wear weird suits?
TOMMY
Yea. Always covered everything.
TUBBO
And you didn’t?
TOMMY
No, why the fuck would I?
TUBBO
…
Hold on.
TUBBO gets a geiger counter.
TOMMY
Tubs what the fuck are you-
TUBBO
Stay still I just need to see something-
TUBBO guides TOMMY outside the workshop, to where there should be no more than background radiation. He then moves away and turns it on.
TOMMY
What the fuck is that? Like, what do you even need it for?
TUBBO
It measures radiation levels.
TUBBO walks closer to TOMMY. The geiger counter gets progressively louder as he does so. TUBBO stares horrified at the device.
TOMMY [ unsurely ]
Is that a bad thing?
TUBBO [ horrified ]
Why are you radioactive.
TOMMY
It’s just my human swag, innit?
TUBBO
No. Why are you radioactive.
TOMMY
I’m just that cool.
TUBBO grips TOMMY by the shoulders.
TUBBO [ frantically ]
Humans aren’t supposed to be radioactive!
TOMMY
Well I’m just built different.
TUBBO
Tom, how are you alive? You shouldn’t be alive. How.
TOMMY
Tubs I was built in a lab, custom designed. I just have cool features.
TUBBO [ as if he were about to scream ]
I’m half tempted to just kill you right now.
TOMMY
Cool, but you haven’t got radioactive bones. Are you jealous? You must be jealous.
TUBBO
Have we all been microdosing on radiation by being near you this whole time?
TOMMY
Probably.
TUBBO
Is this why I never needed protective equipment making the nukes?
TOMMY
Making the what?
TUBBO
Doesn’t matter. Why are your bones radioactive.
TOMMY
I think they put too many in when making me.
TUBBO
You shouldn’t have any.
TOMMY
Actually I should. Ponk said. I trust her.
TUBBO
…
TOMMY
Pretty sure it was like.. Potassium, carbon and uhhhhhhh radium?
TUBBO [ exasperated ]
What is wrong with your species.
TOMMY
Many things, Tubs. I’m just cool though.
TUBBO [ strained ]
Is this normal?
TOMMY
Probably not.
TUBBO
I have to go to the prison.
TOMMY
No.
TUBBO
I have to, Tommy, I have to know.
TOMMY
Toby!
TUBBO
There’s only one way to resolve this.
TOMMY
The scientific method is not always the answer!
TUBBO
It’s not like it’s unethical experimentation.
TOMMY
… That’s a very poor baseline.
TUBBO
It’s technically not even experimentation.
TOMMY
You’re not allowed to take anything into the cell.
TUBBO
I can convince Sam. It’s for science.
TOMMY
I doubt that.
TUBBO
He’d understand it’s for science.
TOMMY
Dream literally tried to kill you.
TUBBO
It’s for science, it’s fine.
TOMMY
Dream is going to kill you if he can. He will try.
TUBBO
I just won’t die.
TOMMY
That’s not how this works.
TUBBO
Dream’s been eating only potatoes and I’ve been hauling ass building muscle in my industrial cottagecore nuclear bunker commune, I’ll be fine.
TOMMY
You are just saying words now.
TUBBO
Isn’t that what we’re all doing, in the grand scheme of things?
TOMMY
I’m going to leave and give everyone radiation poisoning.
TUBBO
Please don’t.
TOMMY
I will. I’ll do it.
TUBBO
If I get Ranboo to make you pie again, can I go to the prison and check Dream’s radiation levels?
TOMMY
Try harder.
TUBBO
I will also make you cool wings that move.
TOMMY [ considering ]
Maybe.
TUBBO
You’ll get pie, some cool wings, what more could you want?
TOMMY
House.
TUBBO
If you wanted to stay with us you could just ask, Tom. Do you want to?
TOMMY
Don’t you have radiation levels to test?
TUBBO throws his arms up, beaming, giving a cheer.
TOMMY
Bye, Tubs.
TUBBO
Love you, Tom! You’re the best friend anyone can have.
Exit TUBBO left stage.
TOMMY [ choked up ]
Love you too.
Lights go out. Exit TOMMY.