Chapter Text
Atsushi's not quite sure how he found himself in front of the only gay bar in town, a few miles away from the Agency and even further from his apartment.
He hasn't ever been able to take much time to think about the fact that he likes boys. Not when he was being tortured 24/7 at the orphanage, then shoved into the fact that he can turn into a tiger. Ironically, it's only when he joined the Agency that he got at least a little bit of peace, even with all the things that kept happening there.
So today, when he saw a stray flyer at Fukuzawa's desk about a gay bar downtown (one day Atsushi might talk to Fukuzawa about that in person...one day), in the moment he wondered, why not? This would finally be his chance to explore all of these feelings inside him, even just by people-watching a tiny bit. It's not like he'll be able to bag an actual date, anyway...
But here he is now, feeling such immense regret that he's prepared to turn into a tiger right now so he can run away as fast as he can.
First, should he have changed out of his work clothes first? Are they gay enough? Does it even matter what he wears? And second, he's suddenly feeling sick to his stomach with fear for a reason that he doesn't even know. Like...what if this is a trap? What if this isn't really a gay bar, and it's just made to lure his poor unsuspecting ass into some fight?!
God, Atsushi, that's ridiculous even for you, Atsushi groans in his mind, sighing to himself. He closes his eyes, clenches his fists, and summons all the courage he can. Seriously, why can he run into battle without hesitation but not do something as simple as open a door?
Well...he's never even been in a bar, let alone a gay bar...
It takes a good minute, but eventually he's able to push the door open and step inside. He keeps his head down and walks as quick as he can to the nearest empty table, then he sits himself down with a relieved sigh because he made it. But now it's time to actually look at the place, and his heart jumps into his throat.
Men. So many men, Atsushi thinks, face flaring red as he stares at all the guys around the bar, smiling and flirting and dancing and being hot and beautiful and all the things he's recently been thinking men are and-
"I'M GONNA GET A DRINK!" Atsushi yells to stop his sudden flood of thoughts, startling the people on nearby tables. He gets up so fast that the table almost falls over, then he marches jerkily over to the counter.
"Heard you want a drink, cutie?" the bartender asks him with an amused but kind smile, and Atsushi burns even redder. The bartender's eyes are a soft baby pink, and his hair a slightly darker shade tied back into a small ponytail. A little pink music note adorns his cheek too, perfectly complimenting his olive skin, and when Atsushi notices the bartender's tight muscle shirt, it takes him what feels like years to take his eyes off his chest.
"U-Uh, yes, sorry for yelling!"
"Do not worry, lindo. What can I get you?
"Um..." Oh no. Atsushi hadn't thought this far ahead. He sits there malfunctioning for a moment, staring mindlessly at the daunting array of alcohol at the bar, then the bartender pats the counter to get his attention.
"I think I'll get you a blushing rose. You sure look like one," the bartender teases, and Atsushi tries not to blush harder as he nods quickly.
Atsushi waits there as the bartender makes his drink, fiddling with his gloves. He tries to be patient and still because that would make him look cooler, but he's too jittery, so he looks around at everything he possibly can. At some spilt drink on the floor, at the dark lighting, at the dance floor, at Port Mafia executive Chuuya flirting shamelessly with a guy, at the two people making out in the corner of the-
Hold on.
Atsushi slowly turns his head back to a few seats away from him, still at the counter. He stares with wide shaking eyes as Chuuya smirks at the guy opposite him, both of them extremely close to each other as Chuuya rests a hand on the small of the other's back. The other guy ducks his head shyly at something Chuuya whispers into his ear and Chuuya laughs, his cheeks flushed (from alcohol, probably).
So, because Atsushi's a complete and utter idiot and currently in a situation that he never thought he'd be in in his entire life, he points at the two and squeaks, "Chuuya?!"
Chuuya blinks, looking up, and the guy snaps his head up in surprise too. Atsushi almost dies when he makes eye contact with Chuuya's...lover?...and all he can do is watch with his jaw hanging to the ground as Chuuya's eyes widen in panic when the guy quickly gathers his things and says, "I-I'll see you later!"
"NO, wait- shit- please!" Chuuya yelps, getting up and stumbling a little as the guy hurries away, and Chuuya holds out an arm after him like something right out of a movie. "TAMEDA!"
Oh God, Atsushi thinks in terror when Chuuya stands there silently once Tameda's left the bar, looking at the ground with clenched fists. Atsushi swears he sees the guy glow red. "Ch-Chuuya, I am so sorry, I didn't-"
"WHAT THE HELL, DUDE?!" Chuuya yells at him, grabbing Atsushi by the collar and Atsushi squeaks when Chuuya literally lifts him off his feet. "YOU KNOW HOW DAMN SHY THAT GUY IS? I'VE BEEN TRYNA GET WITH HIM FOR LIKE A WEEK!"
"Ah, don't blame it on the boy, maybe your friend is just not interested, Chuuya~" the bartender sings as he comes back with Atsushi's drink. Atsushi blesses his new saviour Beautiful Pink Bartender when Chuuya lets go of Atsushi to snap at the former instead.
"He's so into me! Gah, I just don't know how to seal the deal!"
"Does sealing the deal mean, like...sex?" Atsushi asks warily, wondering if he can maybe take a few notes from this, and Chuuya eyes him.
"Who the hell let you in here? Aren't you like, two?"
"I'm eighteen!" Atsushi yelps despite himself, though he recoils in embarrassment when the bartender giggles.
"You two know each other?"
"You could say that," Chuuya says, a wry smile on his face. He looks at Atsushi again, and Atsushi notices his eyes for the first time. They're a seriously beautiful blue. "Eighteen, eh? You probably don't got much experience in these places, then."
"Ah, yeah...or, more like..." Atsushi can't quite finish the sentence, fiddling nervously at his gloves, but Chuuya seems to understand as his eyebrows raise.
"It's your first time? Oi, why didn't you say that?!" Chuuya yells, and Atsushi jolts when he's suddenly got an arm thrown around his shoulders. Chuuya grins up at him, pointing a proud thumb at himself. "Want some pointers from the best gay guy you'll ever meet?"
"I'd actually...love that," Atsushi says, eyes wide in surprise. Chuuya whoops, throwing his arms in the air before he swoops up his drink and downs it in one. He almost grabs Atsushi's drink too, but the bartender slaps his hand away.
"Ah ah, that is for the cutie with the weird hair."
Atsushi just about holds his tongue from apologising for having said weird hair as the bartender hands him the drink with twinkling eyes, then Atsushi yelps when Chuuya grabs his arm and drags him over to an empty booth.
"Baby's first time in a gay bar, what's it like?" Chuuya asks Atsushi amusedly as he leans back in the booth like he owns the place, and Atsushi tries not to fidget.
"A-Ah, well, I don't know? It's pretty overwhelming...so many guys...and I've never been in a bar before either-"
"What?!" Chuuya yells, startling Atsushi. "You're bloody Dazai's protégé and you ain't ever been to a bar?"
"W-Well, I'm only eighteen! And I was in an orphanage until last year, so I didn't get much of a chance...."
"Man. Good kid, though. I'd already been in like a million bars by the time I was your age," Chuuya sighs, sipping at another drink that had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. "Though I still suck at drinking, ugh. Don't tell anyone that."
"I won't," Atsushi says with a smile, even though most people already know that, especially with Dazai telling everyone. Chuuya nods, satisfied.
"So...d'you...know your sexuality?" Chuuya asks, clearly trying to find a good way to phrase it but Atsushi still almost chokes. "I mean, you know what you want or you tryna figure it out?"
Atsushi's never quite said it in words before. But for some reason, right now, he feels peculiarly safe? So it just tumbles out. "I think I'm...bi? With, a bit- or I mean not just a bit, but a male preference but I'm not- completely sure..."
"That's fine. You got your whole life to figure that out, if figuring it out is what you wanna do," Chuuya says kindly, thwacking Atsushi on the back. Atsushi actually finds himself smiling a little, especially since Chuuya's wholeheartedly grinning at him without a hint of malice. He doesn't look like a mafioso at all right now, not really. He just looks like...a nice guy. With a fedora.
"Chuuya, um...is this place on Port Mafia turf?"
"Huh? Oh, nah, we just do some business with them. No shady stuff though so don't give me some disapproving angel look," Chuuya scoffs, and Atsushi holds his hands up in surrender. "So they don't mind me hangin' around."
Then Chuuya winks. "Besides, lads love me."
Atsushi laughs, but he can tell that Chuuya isn't actually joking. He seems really confident at this kind of thing, and he's definitely got the looks. Atsushi doesn't think he'd mind kissing him...if he wasn't so terrified of him.
"So, what you lookin' to get outta tonight? Fling or just some experience of a bar? Or a lil' something else?" Chuuya asks so casually while Atsushi burns up at the questions. But Chuuya's nonchalance actually helps him relax quite a bit, and he manages to say, "I guess...just some experience? With both a bar and the whole liking guys thing, I guess. I've never really got a chance to properly think about it."
"What d'you mean?"
"Well...so many other things were always happening in my life. I didn't really have a childhood, I wasn't able to get to that awkward age and be able to think about normal things like liking people and all that. And then things just kept on happening..."
"Here here," Chuuya murmurs empathetically, raising his glass and Atsushi smiles sadly as he clinks his own against it. "We ain't normal 'n we just gotta accept that but it still sucks, doesn't it? Heck, you know I don't remember the first seven years of my life?"
"Really?" Atsushi asks in wonder, and Chuuya nods like it's a very ordinary fact.
"Yeah, it's a long story. But life was so weird after that. Roaming around alone for so long, wondering who the hell I was...I'm not sayin' I relate to you or anything but, I know how it feels to not grow up right."
"But now we're in a gay bar talking like this so something good happened along the way, right?" Atsushi suggests, smiling bright, and Chuuya snorts to himself as he finishes the rest of his drink.
"Man, you're such a good kid. If Dazai poisons you with his nonsense, come right to me, you got it?"
Atsushi blinks in touched surprise, having no clue how to answer that, before he realises that Chuuya's probably just drunk so he simply nods good-naturedly. Chuuya nods back, looking pleased.
"So what's your type?" Chuuya asks a moment later when Atsushi sips from his glass, and Chuuya bristles when Atsushi spits his drink at him. "OI!"
"Sorry! But you can't- you can't just ask something like that!" Atsushi yelps, waving his arms about, but Chuuya just stares back at him blankly.
"Why not?"
Atsushi concedes with a sigh. Chuuya is seriously in a whole different world to him.
"I-I don't think I really have a type. Or, I mean, I've never really had a chance to think about it."
"Ooh, alright. Well, look around this bar, then. Any guy catch your fancy?"
Atsushi shyly does what Chuuya tells him to, but wherever he looks, his eyes keep straying back to the counter. At the pink-haired bartender smiling brightly as he serves drinks and talks easily with customers. Atsushi stares at him with heart eyes, and Chuuya catches the look with a smug smirk.
"Ah, you poor lovesick loser. Everyone knows bartenders are off-limits, and Federico's out of anyone's league."
"His name's Federico..." Atsushi murmurs dreamily, and Chuuya bursts into laughter.
"Oi! You ain't listening to me at all, are ya?"
"Does he...have a boyfriend?"
"Oh my God," Chuuya sighs, shaking his head. "Kid, you do not have a chance."
"He called me cute!" Atsushi insists, but Chuuya argues, "He's a fucking bartender, he flirts with every guy who walks through the door! And you, Mr No Experience, ain't got a shot."
"And here I was thinking you were being nice," Atsushi mumbles, slumping a little in his seat, and Chuuya frowns.
"Hey, just saying it like it is. You might be able to make out with him a little but not more than-"
"Wait, really?" Atsushi gasps, perking up immediately, and Chuuya winces.
"I'm saying maybe. But first, let's lower our standards a little, eh?"
Atsushi knows Chuuya is right, so he lets it go. Maybe one day he'll be able to get the confidence to go for someone even half as beautiful as Federico, but Atsushi's been told all his life that he's not good enough, so it's not like things will be different when it comes to romance.
"Hey," Chuuya says, tapping Atsushi's chin up which snaps the latter out of his debilitating thoughts. Chuuya's blue eyes peer at him worriedly, and they're actually really soothing. "You alright?"
Atsushi tries to smile to prove that he is, but it's difficult. Chuuya frowns, then he turns to wave a hand at Federico. "Oi, Rico, come give this kid a lap dance to cheer him up-"
"CHUUYA!" Atsushi whisper-screams as he shoots up to slam his hands over Chuuya's mouth, and Chuuya cackles behind Atsushi's hands as Atsushi looks sheepishly at the bar where Federico winks at him (winks!), pink eyes sparkling before he turns back to a customer.
Atsushi feels his knees go weak. Chuuya just pats him on the back heartily.
They talk a little more, downing a few more drinks, and Atsushi can't help but think that this is really nice. Chuuya is strangely kind and super funny, lifting up Atsushi's mood again if any of the things they talk about become a little sad which is a given when it comes to people like them. It's not until Chuuya's leaning against him and they're just two drunks giggling uncontrollably if they so much as look at each other that Atsushi asks the million dollar question.
"How'd you know you were gay?"
"Dazai was a little shit but he was hot," Chuuya slurs without missing a beat, and he bursts into cackles when Atsushi stares at him in horror. "I'm kidding, duh. I mean, Dazai's got some sorta gross appeal, but I already told you I'd been in this shit since pretty young. Never really had any prejudice...wasn't really told anythin' 'cause no parents 'n all, plus my celebrity crushes were always men. Then I made out with a guy when I was fourteen just to try it, liked it a lot, explored a lil' more, then bam."
Chuuya points both thumbs at himself proudly, smirking. "Token gay guy of Yokohama at your service."
Atsushi claps in awe and Chuuya bows in his seat, tipping his hat.
"You know what. I'm gonna take you to that thing next time. Tokyo Rainbow Pride," Chuuya says firmly, and Atsushi's eyes sparkle. He's always wanted to go there, it's only the best and maybe the only pride parade in the nation.
"Wha- seriously?! Chuuya!" Atsushi wails, throwing himself at Chuuya who rolls his eyes even while smiling a little, patting Atsushi's back. He tries to be cool when he says, "Yeah, whatever...it's just a crime that you haven't been there yet is all."
"You know what, we should- we should start our own parade! In Yokohama!" Atsushi suggests excitedly, shaking Chuuya by the shoulders, and Chuuya chuckles almost fondly.
"Aye, that'd be a lotta work, but I like the spirit. Let's go to parades that actually exist first, yeah? Get a scope of what we're in for?"
Atsushi nods wildly, fists clenched in determination. Chuuya smiles, saying, "You're sweet, weretiger," before he ruffles Atsushi's hair.
"Dazai talks about you so much," Atsushi mumbles when he has his head slumped in Chuuya's lap after he tried a shot of tequila and his throat fucking burned. Chuuya pats his head sympathetically while he scoffs, "Thought we were having a good time, why're you bringing up that waste-a bandages?"
"Well, it's just 'cause, it makes me kinda feel like I already know you...I even know that you really like dogs," Atsushi giggles, and Chuuya flushes red as he yelps, "Well- who the fuck doesn't?!"
"Is that why you don't like me?" Atsushi frowns, and Chuuya's petting stops. "Because I'm a cat? I mean- tiger?"
"Oi, oi. Now who the hell said I don't like you. And if I didn't, it ain't gonna be because you're some fucking catboy," Chuuya scolds, tapping Atsushi's head sharply. "Are you a sad drunk? Eurgh."
"I'm not even drunk. But, well, you're always trying to kill my friends..."
"Bloody hell, weretiger, I ain't 'always' tryna kill anyone and are you really wondering why a mafioso would fight against a detective agency?" Then Chuuya pauses. "Or, wait. Are you talkin' about other friends? Oi, you haven't got some shady friends, have ya?"
Atsushi shakes his head. "My only shady friend is Chuuya now."
Chuuya snorts, patting Atsushi's head again. "Sounds good to me."
It's amazing. Atsushi only came here to get some exclusive gay-people-watching experience and build up his courage when it comes to places like these, and now he has a person who's super comfortable in their sexuality keeping him under their wing. Because of Chuuya, Atsushi has seen some men eye him with interest, and it makes him giddier than he can even put into words.
He's not quite sure, honestly, if he has the capacity to love. Not after everything he's been through. But putting himself out there just for one night seems harmless and lets him fall under the sweet pretence that maybe he could know all about this stuff one day. Just like Chuuya does.
Chuuya catches Atsushi staring at him with sad longing eyes, and Chuuya tilts his head in question, raising his hand to ruffle Atsushi's hair. "What's up now, kid? You got some kicked puppy look on you."
"I want to be like you," Atsushi says, genuinely, and Chuuya stares at him now before he suddenly bursts into raucous laughter.
"Holy FUCK, you don't hear that every day! Aye, Yokai! This kid wants to be like me!" Chuuya boasts to a man walking past them, arms thrown out as if he's waiting to to showered with praise, though Yokai just raises an eyebrow and keeps walking. Chuuya seems to get over it pretty quick as he throws an arm around Atsushi's shoulders and taps his nose. "Atsushi, you little weirdo, why would you ever say that shit? I'm a mafioso, you know that?"
"I know!" Atsushi almost whines, a little put-out from being called a weirdo. "But you...you're so cool, and confident. And you've been with so many guys, I think! Or you look like you have."
Chuuya looks torn between being smug or offended about that.
"I just wish I could be like that, I- I just wish...that I didn't need to...fight for the right to live as much as I do," Atsushi mumbles, sitting up as he hangs his head. "I want to know what it's like to be bold without thinking that it's a bad thing. To get what I want without feeling like I don't deserve it. But I can't."
"Hey," Chuuya says, and his voice is surprisingly soft. He tousles Atsushi's hair some more. "You wanted to come here and you did, didn't you? I have a feeling that you came here without even thinking about it. And that's great. That kind of spontaneity will make you a lot happier in life, squirt. It's a waste of space in your heart to keep worrying about your self-worth all the time."
Chuuya strokes Atsushi's hair, tucking his long bang behind his ear, which feels so nice and Atsushi doesn't think anyone's ever done this to him before. It feels...warm. Familial. "Go for at least a few of the things that make you happy without thinkin' a thing. It'll make life a whole lot more beautiful, trust me."
"Then, should I go for Federico?" Atsushi jokes, even as his eyes sparkle and his chest feels so unfamiliarly light, and Chuuya gets a pensive look on his face for a second before it quickly changes to a grimace.
"I said to go for things that make you happy, not get a fuckin' drink thrown in your face."
Atsushi laughs. "I think you're amazing."
Chuuya side-eyes him before picking up his drink and downing it incredibly fast. Then he checks his watch just for more things to do to avoid looking back at the sparkly sweet kid beside him, but his eyes widen when he sees the actual time. "Ah, shit, gotta go soon...kid, want one more drink?"
Atsushi nods in earnest, so Chuuya yells, "FEDERICO, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!"
"There are other workers than me, you know," Federico says amusedly when he walks over with another round of the previous drinks they ordered. Chuuya nudges Atsushi who descends into very uncool nervous giggles when he notices Federico coming over. "Here you-"
"Oh noooo," Chuuya says flatly before he glows red and the drinks suspiciously splash all over Atsushi right after. Atsushi yelps in shock as Federico gasps.
"Caracoles- Dios, I am so sorry!" Federico apologises quickly, immediately bending down on one knee to check the damage and Atsushi burns red as Federico looks over him, so close, oh God he even smells like pink roses and Atsushi just wants to hold him and- "Can I help you clean up? We'll just go to the bathroom real quick, yes?"
Atsushi's brain screams an ear-splitting "YES PLEASE HOLY SHIT" while in reality all he does is shakily nod. Federico takes his hand (his hand, his fucking hand), and Atsushi follows him without question, too lovesick and tipsy to notice Chuuya watching them with a smug smirk.
Chuuya is humming happily into his drink, when his phone starts to buzz. He picks it up and blinks in welcomed surprise when he sees the Caller ID.
"Akutagawa, my boy!" Chuuya cheers, raising a glass for the hell of it. "To what do I owe such a pleasure?"
"...accidental dial," Akutagawa says after a cough, and Chuuya snorts, "Oh yeah, just like the last few 'accidental dials'? You're as easy to read as a book, kiddo."
Chuuya can practically hear Akutagawa turning red. "W-Well, why else would I be calling you?"
"'Cause you're curious about my whereabouts like some weirdo. You keep doin' this ever since I gave you my personal number!"
"I...only have three numbers in my phone," Akutagawa mumbles. "I am just not sure how to, um. Communicate."
Chuuya shakes his head amusedly. "You're adorable, I hate you. Call me whenever you want!"
"Wha- really? What if you are busy?"
"Ah well, I'm sure any lad I'm beatin' up can hold off a minute if I tell 'em I got a call from my cute subordinate," Chuuya laughs. "Aye, I'm at a bar right now, wanna join me?"
Akutagawa takes a good minute to answer and Chuuya tries not to snicker imagining Akutagawa very sincerely trying to consider whether to come or not. "...Gin's already asleep, I should probably stay put. You are alone?"
"Y'know what, not really? I kinda hit it off with that weretiger of yours."
"Wait. WHAT?!" Akutagawa yells so loud that Chuuya winces, recoiling away from the phone.
"Jesus, Ryu, I know you hate him 'n all but my poor eardrums ain't got insurance-"
"ARE YOU TWO...DOING THINGS?"
Chuuya's alcohol-addled mind has no clue how to interpret that for ages. "Uh, I mean, we chatted and drank together and- oh hey, I sorta set him up with that bartender! Can you believe it, that lil' fella gettin' someone like Federico?"
"Oh, so you're not...ah," Akutagawa sighs, sounding curiously relieved. But then there's a small pause, before Akutagawa yells again, ""He's doing what with FEDERICO?!"
"Ryu, honey, what'd I just say-"
"HOW DO I COMPETE WITH FEDERICO?!"
Chuuya stares into the distance for a very long time, and he might be very tipsy, but eventually it clicks even for him.
"RYU, WHAT THE FUCK?!" Chuuya yelps, hastily trying to get onto his feet only to trip on air and stumble messily back into the booths. "DO YOU LIKE ATSUSHI?!"
"WHA- NO! AND, WHY ARE YOU REFERRING TO THE WERETIGER BY NAME?!"
"YOU SO LIKE HIM! OH MY FUCKING GOD, YOU IDIOT, YOU NEED TO TELL ME THESE THINGS!"
"NO I DO NOT AND WHY WOULD I TELL MY SUPERIOR THAT?!" Akutagawa screeches, sounding very stressed out and Chuuya decides to let up with a groan when Akutagawa breaks into a coughing fit.
"Then I wouldn'ta set him up, ugh. I love ya, pal, but you have like nothing on Federico."
Akutagawa seems to be battling two very different emotions concerning both the 'I love you' and the 'you have nothing on Federico' which has him stuttering for a good while like a malfunctioning robot, but Chuuya's already hung up, grumbling on about 'youths these days'.
And now he doesn't know what to do. Should he split up Federico and Atsushi out of loyalty towards Akutagawa? Or should he let them be because he doesn't want to interrupt Atsushi's chance of getting experience? Especially with someone like Federico, he's like the perfect package for a first time (sex, kiss, hand-hold, you name it), all kind and handsome and caring.
Chuuya sighs, brain hurting from having to think about all this, but he blinks when he hears a loud noise from the bathroom and the faint sound of Federico's laughter as Atsushi yells loud enough to ring through the whole bar, "SORRY!"
Chuuya smiles, pushing his hat down over his eyes as he leans back in the booth, satisfied. They'll be fine. Atsushi can get a kiss (it won't be too long anyway since Federico's on a damn job and all), then maybe Akutagawa can take a minute to at least admit to himself that he likes Atsushi before Chuuya goes breaking up anything.
"I-It was nothing, really!" Atsushi says quickly with the entire Agency gathered around him the next morning, because Kunikida had noticed the hickey on his neck and chaos ensued from there. "A-Ah, I just...well, you might not believe me, but I bumped into Chuuya at a gay bar-"
"Chuuya was at a WHAT?!" Dazai shrieks, coming to life from where he was sleeping on the sofa, and Kunikida barks at him, "Can you care more about the fact that Atsushi just came out to us?"
"Oh...oh my God, I did kind of do that," Atsushi says with wide eyes, covering his mouth before he peers at his coworkers worriedly. But they're smiling at him warmly, and Atsushi knows none of them mind.
"ATSUSHI! DID YOU SEDUCE CHUUYA?! DID YOU REALLY MAKE OUT WITH A SLUG?! YOU'RE GOING TO GET SICK, GET CHECKED BY DR YOSANO RIGHT NOW!" Dazai screams as he falls right off the sofa and sprints over, and Atsushi reiterates that maybe one of them minds.
"It wasn't Chuuya," Atsushi confirms quickly when the others all look at his hickey once Dazai's been restrained.