Work Text:
The evening had undoubtedly taken a different turn from what Lancelot had hoped for.
The romantic date with Gwen had in fact been abruptly interrupted by a desperate Merlin, who, heedless of the table set with candles and the intimate atmosphere, had burst into the knight's house, immediately collapsing to the ground in sobs.
Gwen and Lancelot, visibly worried, had crouched beside him trying to get an explanation, but the warlock had simply thrown his arms around the knight's neck sobbing even harder.
"Merlin...what happened? "Lancelot asked. A sound sob came as the only answer.
"Merlin, dear, is it something about Arthur?" Gwen asked softly.
"He...he knows..."
Gwen and Lancelot exchanged a concerned look of understanding.
"Do you want to talk about it?" the maid insisted with kindness.
Merlin sobbed even louder, snorting on Lancelot's clean shirt.
"Was it that bad?"
"Yes."
"Did he hurt you? threatened you?" asked Lancelot with a protective motion toward the wizard.
Merlin shook his head indignantly.
"No, of course not..."
"Does he plan to banish you?"
"No" another sob.
"Does he want to fire you?"
"No"
"Remove you from the privy council?"
"No-oo" Merlin said impatiently, shaking his head vehemently, but then he added through tears "It's worse, it's so much worse..."
Gwen and Lancelot looked at each other puzzled. After an eventful moment, the warlock looked up at them and sighed through the tears.
"He broke up with me”
***
Unconsciously, Merlin knew that there had been many moments when he could, or even better, should, have told Arthur the truth about his magic.
After Will's death, it would have been brave.
After Arthur had discovered and accepted Morgana's magic, it would have been clever.
After the newly crowned blond king had lifted the ban on magic, it would have been a foregone conclusion.
After their first kiss, their first time, and mutual confession of undying love, it would have been only fair.
But in many regards, and like all love-sick people, Merlin was not a brave man nor a very clever one.
So when the young king knelt before him in the middle of a romantic walk in the woods, handing him his mother's ring, Merlin knew it was too late.
He would have liked only to throw himself into the king's arms and tell him that he desired nothing more than to spend his life by his side, but the weight he had been carrying inside for months now, ever since his relationship with Arthur had turned into something far greater than a friendship, was now too heavy.
And so, amid tears and Arthur's astonishment, he had finally confessed everything.
The aftermath was, after all, somewhat predictable. Grief, disbelief, a feeling of abandonment and betrayal on Arthur's part, and many, long-awaited revelations on Merlin's part. The two had screamed, cried, talked, and talked some more, until nightfall.
"I need to clear my head, Merlin, I can’t think straight right now”
“Arthur…”
“Merlin, please, I…I need to be alone for a while…”
“You know why I did it, Arthur…I told you everything I ever did was for you…”
Arthur shook his head, his eyes full of tears.
“You should have told me anyway, Merlin…”
“I know…”
Arthur sighed.
“I am going to take a walk, go to the tavern, I can’t…I need to think about it all…”
Merlin knew he owed Arthur that much. He had just revealed years of lies, half-truths, hidden missions, and sacrifices.
He understood that Arthur needed to rethink everything he had just discovered, which fundamentally changed what he thought he knew about them.
But he could not help but hold at bay his despair at the idea that everything they had built was now in danger of being destroyed.
He knew his reasons for hiding the truth had been valid when the hammer of the magic ban loomed over them. But he also knew that he should have definitely opened up his heart to Arthur when Arthur had opened up his heart to him.
“Please…just…don’t shut me out…talk to me when you feel ready…It’s the only thing I am asking you right now”
Merlin dared to caress Arthur's wet cheek with his hand, and for a moment he could feel the king’s temptation to lean on it. Arthur simply nodded…
“I just…need to be alone for a while…” the king then bit his lips as he detached himself from the warlock. He quickly mounted his horse and disappeared through the trees, leaving Merlin alone and heartbroken in the middle of the forest.
It took a while for the warlock to come back to Camelot. His head felt like cotton, and he could hardly focus on something. He wandered for a while in the woods, sat in front of a pond, and then decided to go back to the citadel, when the lights of the day had started to dim.
He had gone directly to Gaius and told him what happened, but he was in too much shock to really feel anything at all. He had not cried again, he had simply sat by Gaius’s lecture, who had been advising Merlin to tell the truth to Arthur even since he accidentally discovered the two of them passionately kissing in the warlock’s small chamber.
After listening to Gaius without truly listening to him, with his eyes lost in the void, he had eaten some bread, and then he simply waited for the king to return to Camelot.
Yet Arthur did not come back to the citadel that night and was still missing in the morning.
Merlin had been worried sick, yet he went to go and tell Morgana everything that had happened so that she could advise the council that the king was otherwise occupied.
Morgana took pity on him at least, and she did not tell him that this was to be expected. She knew better than anyone else how scary it could be to reveal your true self.
“He’ll come around Merlin, you’ll see…”
“I hope so…I hope so…” Merlin said without much conviction.
***
It was not until the late afternoon of the following day that the king returned to the citadel.
Merlin saw him coming out of the stables through the highest tower’s window and decided that he was going to confront him right away.
“Merlin…what are you doing sitting there”, Arthur asked with a sigh, as he noticed the warlock sitting just outside of his chamber’s door.
“Waiting for you…of course…”
“Merlin…”
“No, please, Arthur, you promised me you would have not shut me out…I…I need at least to talk to you, to know where we stand…please, just, don’t ignore me, it’s all I ask…”
Arthur sighed, and Merlin noticed that his eyes were red and tired. Yet, he opened his chamber’s door and gestured for the sorcerer to come in.
They sat on a bed for a while, as apparently, neither of them was able to come up with the right thing to say.
“Listen…”
“Arthur…”
Merlin looked at the blond king with a sigh “You go first. I owe you that much.”
Arthur took a deep breath. “Merlin, I…I am still confused, and there are so many things I don’t understand, but I just…” the king seemed to struggle to keep his thoughts in order.
“All right, let’s start with the most important thing that I want to say to you.”
The king took Merlin’s hand in his.
“Merlin, I am not mad at you…I mean, I am hurt and upset, and I am not…I mean I’m having a hard time accepting that you have magic and that you have had it for all the years we spent side by side, but I want you to know that it’s not because I am afraid of you, or of your magic…I want you to know that.”
Merlin’s heart filled with warmth at Arthur’s words.
“And…I took the time to think about all the things you did, for me, for Camelot, for the kingdom you helped me build…”
“Arthur, I would do it again in a heartbeat…”
“I know, I know and for this, I…want to say…thank you…” the king squeezed Merlin’s hand and took another deep breath.
“I also don’t want you to even think for a second that I could send you away…I want you to know that Camelot is your home and that you will always have a place here, at my court, at my council…. ”
Merlin was relieved. He truly was, but part of him feared what Arthur was not saying out loud.
“And…what about my place at your side?” Merlin had never felt braver in his whole life, but he had to know where things stand between them.
“Merlin, I…I just can’t right now…”
“But, Arthur….”
“ I know, I know that you did all the things you told me you did because of love…but…it still does not make it right…don’t you see?”
“What is that I don’t see? That I was ready to sacrifice my life for you? That I’ve saved your life more times than you could count? That I stayed in Camelot risking my own life, just to be able to stay by your side and help you build this kingdom?”
“Yes, Merlin, this is precisely the point! I know, I do know you love me, and I do love you in return…except…I am not even sure that I truly know the real you…”
“Of course you do…I am the same person, Arthur, the same person…I just…I am just born with magic, you can’t blame me for this…”
“Merlin, I laid myself bare in front of you. I cried in your arms more than once. I told you about every small detail of my sad childhood. I have confided in you, I revealed to you my deepest fears and darkest secrets…but now I found out that I know nothing of yours…you only showed me what you wanted to show me…”
“Arthur, I screwed up, I know, but this does not change what I feel for you.”
“No, Merlin, but it does changes how I see our relationship. And it also means that deep down, you could not trust me… You trusted Lancelot with your secret…but not me…”
“He found out by himself” Merlin corrected him immediately.
“And Gwen, and Morgana…”
Merlin shook his head. Lancelot was not actually able to keep a secret from his fiancée, and well, Morgana was another story. He was actually the one to advise her to talk to Arthur about her dreams and powers…how ironic in the end…when you don’t practice what you preach…
“Merlin, it’s not just about you not trusting me…it’s…also about you fearing me as well…”
“No, I’ ve never…”
“Shut up, Merlin, I can’t sleep thinking that you fell for a man that had the power to have you killed…that we kissed, and made love, while you were still secretly afraid that I could have you executed, or banished…it is not…it is not how love should be…”
“No, no, believe me, by the time we got together, I knew you would never hurt me, I knew it. I was just so afraid to lose you that I never found the courage to tell you everything…at first it was too risky, it’s true, but then, all of a sudden, it was just too late…” Merlin could not contain the sob escaping from him.
“And also…how many times have you lied to me about your health? How many times you were hurt and you did not tell me…?”
“Arthur…”
“The scars, Merlin, the scars, do you want to tell me that you did not lie about them?”
Merlin bit his lips and closed his eyes.
“And your father, Balinor…I mean, Merlin, I know nothing of the pain you have endured during all these years, and…I am not fine with that…I feel so blind and…guilty for not seeing it sooner…for letting you live in this fear and isolation…”
“Arthur, it’s all in the past…everything has changed since then, you changed the law, you made Camelot a peaceful place to live, where magic can prosper and flourish…why can’t we just move forward If you say you can accept my magic, if you say you still want me in your life?”
“Merlin, I’ll always want you in my life…and I don’t want to shut you out, but…”
“But…?”
“I don’t think I just can’t go on as if nothing changed…”
A long silence filled with tension fell between them.
After a while, Merlin dared to ask the unspoken question.
“You want to break up with me?”
Arthur sighed deeply, and then braced himself for the painful answer.
”I think that taking a step back might be a wise idea if we truly hope to set things right…I think we should…take a break and rethink where we stand with each other…”.
“So…you want us to go back to being friends? Just friends and nothing more?”
Arthur wiped a tear from his eye with the back of his hand.
“No, I don’t want to go back to being just friends, but I do think it is the right thing to do…I think that we should learn to truly know each other again…if we want to hope for a future together…”
Merlin had the physical sensation of feeling his heart shattering into hundreds of pieces.
He knew, deep inside, that Arthur was right. He knew that maybe it was for the best.
And after all, it was not the worst of the outcomes.
Arthur was not mad. They talked to each other as mature people they should be in their mid-twenties.
And Arthur still wanted him in Camelot. He wanted him as a friend and advisor.
Even if he did not know how to survive anymore without his king by his side every night and every day, he could go with that. It was better than nothing. It was a good compromise.
Solid. Safe. Mature.
****
“Except it is not…” Merlin was still crying in Lancelot's arms. “It is not better than nothing. It is awful. It’s even worse than being banished… I…just want to be with him…”
“Merlin, darling, I actually think that for once Arthur might be right” Gwen said softly. "A good relationship cannot be built on mistrust and unspoken resentment. Take this as an opportunity to rebuild your relationship with him…to make him know the real you, the one that you had to conceal for so long…”
“But…but, what if…I don’t know, what if he decides that he does not truly loves the real me? And what if he falls in love with someone else in the meanwhile? Or if he decides to take a queen…”
“Enough, Merlin Ambrosius!” Gwen said in a much more determined tone, that shook Merlin out of his heartbroken stupor.
“You are the most powerful warlock to ever walk the earth. You can talk to dragons, create storms, change your form…I am sure that you will find a way to get your man back and…to put a ring on his finger before someone else does…I am right?”
At Gwen’s words, Merlin felt a surge of energy fill him from the inside and bring a bit of light into the darkness.
She was right. He was not going to give up on Arthur so easily. He was going to set things right.
He and Arthur were two sides of the same coin, after all.
It was only a matter of time, communication, and persuasion.
They were meant to be, and that stupid prat was better to prepare himself to be swept off his feat once again.