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The vibration of his phone startled Arthur awake. Sitting up too fast, he hit his head on the headboard of his bed. "Fuck," he murmured as he picked up his mobile. "Yeah?" he asked in a groggy voice.
"Arthur?" Lance said softly with a hint of worry that made Arthur’s stomach drop. There weren't many things that would make Lance call so late. Either something happened with Gwen or...
"Is he... is everything alright?" Arthur didn’t want to say his name. Didn’t want to think about him. Not any more than he had to. It was too hard. But if Merlin was in trouble, then he would drop everything quicker than a heartbeat.
Lance cleared his throat and tried to stifle his worry. "You know I would only call if we were really desperate. I'm sorry, Arthur, I know it's only been two weeks, but... shit. I..."
"Lance," Arthur warned, already slipping on his shoes. "Please. Is he okay?"
"No." The line was silent as neither man spoke. Arthur’s mind was racing for an explanation and Lance was gathering his thoughts. It felt like an eternity before Lance continued. "He hasn't eaten any proper food since you two broke up. He drank himself half to death the first two nights, but now that Gwen and I have removed all the alcohol from the house, he's resorted to just lying in bed scrunched up. He hasn't spoken to us in two days."
Arthur’s heart was beating so hard, he thought his chest would explode. He rushed to the closet, throwing on a sweater. The thought of Merlin alone was enough to send Arthur into a whirlwind of emotions, but after the description he was just given, Arthur thought maybe he would cry and scream all at once.
He took a steady breath. "Has he been taking his meds?" Arthur knew the answer.
"No." Of course not.
"Can you get him to a hospital?"
Lance’s voice was shaky. "I didn't want it to come to that. We've been trying to get him to eat or to even speak. He just lays there, not even crying anymore. I'm worried, Arthur. I know it's not fair to ask, but -"
"I'm already on my way," Arthur responded automatically. "I'll bring him to the hospital myself."
"I'm really sorry, Arthur. For calling you, for letting him get this bad... for everything. I am so sorry."
Without taking a moment to completely understand why Lance had called him, Arthur was already abundantly grateful he had. Though Arthur had broken up with Merlin, he would still put the other man ahead of himself any day. Even Lance knew that. "Don't be sorry, Lance. I'm glad you called. I'll be there in ten minutes."
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Once Arthur arrived at the familiar house, skidding into a spot in front, he felt a pang of guilt. It was his fault Merlin was like this in the first place. If Arthur hadn’t broken Merlin’s heart, none of this would have happened. But he had done the right thing. Hadn’t he? He wasn’t giving Merlin the attention he deserved. He was spending too much time at work and putting Merlin on the back burner. Merlin didn’t deserve that; he deserved better. But was this really better?
Then another rush of guilt overcame Arthur as he rang the doorbell. Arthur knew he dealt with emotions differently than Merlin, but this was a stark contrast to how Arthur had dealt with the break-up. When he ended the relationship of two years, his reaction was to quietly down a couple of glasses of scotch while listening to classical music. He didn’t allow himself to cry till he was huddled in bed that night and there was no chance of anyone finding out. Uther had taught him how to hide emotions well. Letting work distract him, Arthur hadn’t allowed himself the time to miss Merlin or properly grieve. The avoidance strategy had proved to be successful - until now.
As soon as Lance opened the door, Arthur rushed inside. Urgency to find Merlin, hug him tightly, and reassure him that it would all be alright was the feeling that overtook Arthur. He shot Lance and Gwen a teary look, realizing that everything he should have felt after the break-up was only just hitting him now.
He felt like collapsing to the floor. Instead, he pushed past his friends and made his way to Merlin’s room. It smelled the same. There was always a faint smell of sugar and applesauce hidden under the musty smell of Merlin in his room. That smell alone made Arthur heavy with longing, but what tugged most at his heart was the small, limp figure on the bed.
"Merlin?" he croaked, voice barely higher than a whisper. "Hey, are you okay?"
"Arthur?" Merlin’s voice was raspy and dry. Sitting up slowly, he rubbed an eye with his free hand not supporting his fragile form. "Is that really you?"
God, what had he done? How had he made the decision to leave this man? How had it come to this? "I'm here, M." His eyes overflowed and he couldn’t stop himself from rushing to Merlin's side.
Kneeling in front of his ex-lover, Arthur could see the dark circles under his eyes, even in the deep blue of the night. Merlin gave him a pitiful smile, something Arthur didn’t know he needed. So he wasn’t mad, no, but he was devastated, which was worse. Arthur deserved a mad Merlin, but he counted his lucky stars, because at least he had a chance with this Merlin. He wasn’t ever going to give up on Merlin again.
The skinny man sank to the floor and huddled himself in Arthur's lap. "I know you're just here to get me to eat. I heard Lance call you. But I don't care. I needed to see you. I just... Arthur I'm sorry, but I can’t live without... I just can't."
"I know," Arthur said miserably, knowing how close to reality that statement was - especially with Merlin refusing his fluoxetine. "I'm so sorry, I was an idiot." He couldn’t bring himself to say more, but he knew he didn't have to. Merlin’s grip on him tightened, leaving Arthur short of breath for more than just one reason.
He didn’t deserve Merlin, but he knew they needed each other more than anything. No matter what, Arthur would spend his life making sure he was the man that Merlin deserved; letting him go clearly was not an option.
"Let’s get you some food, okay?"
Merlin nodded into Arthur’s neck, with no intention of releasing him.
Sweeping Merlin into his arms as he rose, Arthur carried Merlin out of his room and into the kitchen. He set Merlin down at the table and started to move towards the kitchen when he was stopped by a hand holding onto his finger. "You don’t have to do this, Arthur. I know you don't want me anymore."
"Merlin," Arthur said sharply. "God!" He swooped down to Merlin’s level. The exhaustion and depression clear on Merlin’s face was enough to bring Arthur to tears again. "You mean more to me than I can possibly imagine. Don’t ever think that I didn't want you." His voice cracked like an untuned piano. Squeezing Merlin’s hand, he continued, "I thought I was doing the right thing by letting you go, but it turns out I need you. I need you safe, I need you with me. I need you, Merlin."
Merlin was shaking in Arthur’s grasp. Instinctively, Arthur pulled Merlin to him, rubbing the back of the man he loved so much his whole body ached. "I've missed you so much, Arthur," Merlin admitted heartbreakingly.
"I promise I'll never leave you again, Merlin." His head fell against Merlin’s, leaving both breathing in the other’s short breaths. "I couldn’t bear another moment without you."
"Don't worry," Merlin let out a wry chuckle. "I won't let you."
Arthur relaxed forcing himself to forgive himself, if only for Merlin’s sake. Nothing would allow him to make the same mistake again. "I hope you never do," Arthur responded truthfully.
Before either could speak again, Merlin found Arthur’s hands and clutched them in an enduring grip. He looked at Arthur expectantly, blinking back the wetness in his eyes. Giving in, Arthur allowed himself to brush a kiss across Merlin’s lips. Smiling faintly, Merlin took Arthur’s head and pulled him in for another, filled with everything left unsaid that needn't be said.