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No matter how long of a life he was going to live, no matter what he would go on to see and experience, he would never be able to get the image of Eddie Diaz being shot by a sniper in the middle of Los Angeles out of his head.
It was in the shocked look, the split second of a horrific pause where the world came to a grinding halt, and the stumbled drop that haunted him. It was the fact that he froze, damn it, as his best friend crumpled, that hesitation which made his body shut down. It was the sudden roar of sound returning as suddenly everything caught up in his mind as he too hit the ground, tackled away from the second shot that would have temporarily killed him and revealed his secret to far too many people.
Buck lived with so many regrets - not convincing Maddie to run away with him in the jeep, letting his parents’ abusive behavior shape so much of his life, filing that damn lawsuit instead of just talking things out with Bobby when things got so turned around… But seeing Eddie on the ground, bleeding out, reaching out and being unable to help him? That would haunt his nightmares for the rest of his existence.
The rest of the event he would later go on to say that he could only remember in flashes. Dragging his body under the fire truck to pull Eddie to safety. Manhandling him into the cab before they rushed to the hospital. Shielding the already injured man from the explosion of the command truck, and feeling the shards of glass and twisted metal that exploded from it make contact with his back. Watching Eddie pass out from shock and pain.
The whole thing took less than eight minutes, but for Buck, it could have been a lifetime and he never would have realized it.
From the lobby of the hospital, as soon as Eddie was rushed back, Buck found himself standing off to the side with his phone clenched in his hand, now with bloodstained fingerprints dotting the screen. A call was connected.
Spencer.
He could just make out the profiler’s voice, tiny but filled with worry, calling to him from the tiny speakers. As he collapsed in a chair, he brought the phone up, ignoring the horrific feeling of drying blood on his skin.
“ Spencer …” His immortal brother’s name felt like gravel coming out of his throat.
“ Buck, where are you, we just heard about a shooting- ” Spencer sounded hurried. A distant part of Buck’s mind, the part that was still keeping track of the details that the rest of his shell shocked brain couldn’t handle yet, figured he would at least know about it. It also noted, in a very detached way, that Spencer rarely if ever sounded rattled. But here he was, rattled and worried.
“Edd- It was Eddie. He’s-” Buck cut himself off. He couldn’t break down. Not yet. He had to go clean up and catch a ride to the station, and then over to the Diaz house. He had to be the one to be with Christopher. There was no one else Eddie would trust to give Chris the news. His own reaction could wait until later, once Christopher was informed. He could break then.
From the phone, he could hear a whispered argument and the sound of frantic tapping on a keyboard. Was Spencer in his friend Penelope Garcia’s office? That would make sense, since Spencer didn’t exactly like technology. Then he heard a gasp - yep, that was Penelope - the phone fumbled, and a different voice took over.
“ Buck, where are you right now? ” Derek Morgan’s voice carried through, though he could hear Spencer’s protesting in the background. “ Were you hurt noticeably? Are we covering anything up? ”
Again, that part of his mind made the connections. Penelope Garcia and Derek Morgan were in the know about the whole “immortality” secret. They knew the risks that both he and Spencer faced every day by being among the public in dangerous jobs. If their secret was compromised, it would take the combined effort of everyone in the know to deal with the fallout, mostly to cover up for them having to leave behind everything they knew.
“N-no, no injuries,” Buck said, words stuttered. Which wasn’t entirely true. He was sure that he had at least a few healed cuts from the command truck explosion, but there was enough blood on him that he could easily claim it was Eddie’s. And just thinking that morbid thought sent another chill running down his back.
“We’ve been called in to consult, Buck,” Derek said, pulling him from his increasingly dark thoughts. “We should be there in a few hours. You’ll probably be asked some questions. Will you be with Eddie’s son?”
“I- yeah, with Christopher. I should be.” It was a herculean task to try to get his voice to stop shaking. He had to take a few deep breaths and keep it short. No breaking down. Not yet.
Penelope’s voice came over the line next. “Keep strong, honey. We’ll be there soon.”
Soon wasn’t soon enough in Buck’s opinion.
Buck wasn’t exactly sure how he managed to get back to the loft. He had a distant memory of seeing Taylor outside the hospital before being intercepted by Bobby, who directed him to Athena. After that, it was a blur of stress, fighting back tears and a panic attack that no one would have judged him for.
He was under orders to stay at the loft for the next little while, to shower and change and wait for Bobby or Athena to pick him up to take him to the Diaz house in a few hours once Christopher was at home. An agreement was made between everyone to not pull the boy from school unless some news came in before he was picked up for the day.
Buck took an obnoxiously hot shower, scrubbing his skin as hard as he could to try to get the feel of blood off of his skin. It didn’t really work, but he tried. All the while tried to get the image of Eddie falling out of his head.
That wasn’t happening.
He finally stumbled out of the bathroom, towel wrapped around his waist, only to discover someone camped out on his bed with a stack of his clothes next to her. She kept her eyes locked onto her phone, but immediately clocked his entrance.
“I hope you left me some hot water,” Nile Freeman said sarcastically, chancing a glance away from her phone to give him a quick wink. “Book picked your clothes and kicked me out of the kitchen. I still burn water apparently.”
Buck was still frozen in the doorway. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in… where were you guys again?”
Nile shook her head. “We’re where we need to be. We were taking a break from missions anyway for a bit. Book and I were in Seattle for a layover when Spencer called.”
“I-”
Nile grabbed the sweater and threw it in Buck’s face. “We’re where we need to be. Now change while I use up whatever hot water is left, you go eat whatever Booker concocted with what little you had in your fridge, and then we can regroup.”
“Concocted- I’ve been cooking over at Eddie’s-” The name barely left his mouth before he felt the world try to crash down again. Nile was off of his bed and hugging him tightly in the span of one choked off breath and the next.
“Don’t think about it right now. Eat, regroup, we plan together. When Spencer and his friends arrive, we can figure out who was taking pot shots at you all.” She let him go and picked up a bag from the floor before heading straight into his bathroom, locking the door behind him.
Buck was left standing in the middle of his bedroom, towel still on, sweater in hand, listening to Booker’s offkey singing in his kitchen below.
How was this his life?
“It just came out of nowhere?”
An interesting group was crowded around Buck’s kitchen table and island. Spencer and Derek had arrived just as Booker was finally done forcing Buck to eat, making the last of the food in his mouth taste like ash. Nile joined them moments later, looking refreshed and happy to see her other two favorite people.
Buck nodded from his place at the table. He was trying to keep his eyes locked either on Spencer or Derek, keeping focused on the situation at hand and keeping his head away from the spiral he so desperately wanted to give in to. Not yet, not until you see Christopher and hear news that Eddie is alive and okay. Wait for Bobby.
“No warning. We were in the middle of the street talking. Next thing I know, Eddie’s in a pool of b-blood and I’m tackled to the ground, out of the way of the second shot.”
Derek nodded, sharing a quick glance with Spencer. “Could it have been related to why you were there?”
“No,” Buck disagreed instantly. “We were saving a kid from his mother. Munchausen by proxy, Eddie figured. That’s not a reason to start firing at anyone.”
Booker took a sip of his iced tea, a new replacement for his regular alcoholic drink of choice. “None of you have been involved in any high profile rescues this year, have you?” he asked, acknowledging Buck’s quick denial.
“I’ve been trying to keep a low profile for obvious reasons,” he said. “Nothing has been major since the micro quakes and mudslides, and that was focused on all first responders.”
Spencer sighed. “Without more information, we will only be speculating. Derek and I will be regrouping with the rest of the BAU in about an hour. You will be with Christopher, correct?”
“Yeah. Athena, my captain’s wife, is picking me up,” Buck said, gesturing towards his phone, where a text notification had just arrived saying as such. “What about you too?” he asked Booker and Nile.
Nile smiled. “We can skulk around and see if we hear anything. Oh, don’t give me that look Spencer, I know how to be careful.”
“See that you do. I’m not bailing you out if you get arrested.”
Buck shook his head softly. There was something about the quiet banter that was easily keeping away that panic inside. He could still feel it on the edge of his consciousness, but it was held back, at least for now.
His phone pinged again. Athena had arrived to pick him up. Immediately, that bit of panic was back. He held it off again. He stood and grabbed his duffle full of clothing for the next couple of days.
“Buck, if we think of anything, we’ll call you, okay?” Derek said, catching him by the door.
Buck nodded. “Sure. If I don’t answer, I’m either at the hospital or at work. And don’t tell me not to work, I have to have something to focus on. Otherwise I might go insane.”
“Just be careful, mon petit frère ,” Book said as he carefully shut the door behind him. Leaving everyone in his apartment was probably not the best idea, but he had to get to Christopher.
That’s what Eddie would want. Just hold off the panic. Just a little longer.