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Regulus Black didn’t get jealous. Ever. He had nothing to be jealous of if he wanted something he got it, one of the only good things that came out of being the sole possible heir to the most Ancient and Noble house of Black.
However, there is always an exception and the one exception to Regulus Black’s lack of jealous feelings was James Potter. The first time Regulus associated the feeling of jealousy and James Potter together was when his older brother, Sirius left for university. He had called Regulus only a handful of times that year and Regulus hadn’t answered or called back after the second call because he didn’t want to keep hearing about how great Sirius’ new friend was and how he was being replaced by him. Regulus was jealous because James Potter was a better brother to Sirius than he had ever been. He didn’t need to take punishments meant for James he didn’t have to endure pain for James so why wouldn’t he replace Regulus with him? Not that Regulus ever asked Sirius to do that for him he just wanted his brother to love him.
Things were worse at home for Regulus once Sirius had left for the year and then once again after the disastrous summer back home from uni when he decided to move in with the Potter’s full-time. Regulus didn’t blame him for leaving he just wished Sirius had taken him along even though he didn’t know the Potter’s anything was better than staying at home. That was the second time Regulus had felt jealousy concerning James Potter.
Regulus was now in his second year of university, and it had taken him the first half of his first year to realise he was at the same one as his brother. It was mainly because they studied different subjects and Sirius no longer lived on campus although he did often hang around his first-year hall’s common area. They were split into four blocks of halls called Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin - where he lived and Gryffindor - where Sirius had lived.
He had originally felt unsure about sharing a flat with three people he didn’t know but was very lucky that he ended up with the ones he did. They're all close friends, and along with one other friend who was in the Ravenclaw halls instead of Slytherin moved into their second-year house together. They had also decided to start a band together one drunken night, he was glad they hadn’t gone with the original name suggestion. He was the only one that could remember and would not be telling the others. The next day very hungover Evan, Barty, Dorcas, Pandora and him headed to the music rooms which is when he saw Sirius for the first time. Sirius was walking out of an art room chatting to a tall blonde girl who Regulus didn’t know at the time. But now knows is Marlene McKinnon who one of his Dorcas was hopelessly in love with not that Marlene knows that.
They worked well together as a band Evan and Barty played bass and guitar respectively, Pandora played the keyboard and Dorcas was their drummer leaving Regulus to be the one to sing and occasionally play the keyboard when it was needed. They had decided to call themselves the Little King and the Stars or the L.K.S for short, Regulus still liked to point out how ridiculous the name was, but it was much better than the original which he still wouldn’t share with them.
They did well quickly they became popular for covering songs and would play any event offered to them. University organised function? yep, Party in a common area? absolutely, a local pub? of course the only time they had turned down a gig was when it clashed with something, and the one-time Sirius had tried to hire them to play his friend's 20th birthday. Regulus was saving everyone from the awkward encounter.
It was nearly the end of his first year before Regulus met James Potter. He was sitting in one of the private study rooms in the library working on translating one of the myths for his classics course when somebody came bargain into the room and then promptly dropped to the floor and started to have a panic attack. Something which Regulus was not unfamiliar dealing with.
Stopping his translation, he stood up and made his way to the intruder before he dropped down to the floor in front of them. He took in the panicked look on their face and note that despite this the person - no man - who had disrupted his work was handsome. He had dark skin, he thought he might be of south Asian descent, thick curly black hair that was a mess possibly from running his hands through whilst he was panicking, and his eyes were a deep brown a sort of mahogany but they were glazed over at the moment so he couldn’t quite be sure.
“Hey, hey I’m going to help you, but I need to know if you can hear me or not,” he got no indication from the man that he’s been heard. “Just nod if you can hear me no need to speak just yet” Regulus waited another moment then he saw a small nod that he would have missed if he hadn't been looking for it.
“Are you ok if I touch you? It’ll only be your arms and hands nowhere else at the moment I promise” the person nodded once again so Regulus slowly reached out and grasped a hold of the other person's hand and slowly brought it towards himself and his chest. “Ok, now I need you to feel the rhythm of my breathing and try to match it ok? Nothing else you need to do” When the person he was helping hand was touching him he brought his breathing speed up to just slower than they were currently breathing. When it was finally matched, he started to incrementally slow his breathing down until it matched his normal rate of breathing. He kept them in the position they were in until the other man slowly tugged his hand back to himself.
“There you go are you feeling any better?” just another nod in response.
“Still don't feel like talking?” another nod.
“That's fine. I’m just going to ask you some yes or no questions to see what else you need. Nod if you got that” the other person nodded again.
“Are you hurt in any way?” this time a shake of the head.
“Do you need any water?” a nod. Regulus stood up and headed to the desk and gathered his water bottle to give to the other person to drink from.
“Here you go, do you need me to call anyone to let them know you’re safe?” a smile in thanks and a shake of the head were his answers this time.
“Do you want to go back out there and head back to wherever you were heading?” a shake no.
“Woul… would you like to stay in here with me?” nodding this time in response.
“Ok let's head over to the desk you can stay as long as you need but I have coursework I need to get on with. Do you need help getting up?” a nod to confirm he needed help standing after crashing to the floor and remaining in the position for so long.
“You alright me touching you?” this time there was a hesitation before the other person nodded to say he didn’t mind. Regulus tried to keep the contact to the minimum though as he had seen the hesitation in the answer. After they were both standing, they made their way over to the desk Regulus did hover a bit as they walked over just to make sure he was there to catch him if he suddenly fell. Arriving at the desk the man sat on the chair opposite where Regulus had previously been seated and working on his translation. Once they were settled Regulus went back to work well, he tried to he had been working for about ten minutes before the gaze he could feel on him was too distracting to carry on. He realised the guy whose name he really needed to learn was probably bored and wanted something to do.
“Do you to borrow my headphones and phone to listen to some music?” a nod, he handed them over and got back to work after making sure he was all set up with his things.
They sat in that study room for hours that day both content doing their own thing. Regulus still didn't know his name by the time he had left late that evening. It was also the only time Regulus had missed band practice.
It became a semi-regular thing that happened. The mysterious stranger would turn up in the private study room, which Regulus had claimed as his own, in the process of having a panic attack Regulus would calm him down then they would sit in silence Regulus working and the unnamed stranger would listen to music using Regulus phone and headphones. Then he would leave when he felt ready to rejoin the hustle and bustle of the rest of the university.
It wasn’t until the last day of the year when he was leaving the library for the last time that year did, he learn the stranger's name.
“Regulus honey wait a moment, would you?” the elderly librarian called out to him as he passed her desk on the way to the exit.
“Of course, what can I do for you, Joyce?” the librarian had become one of Regulus’ favourite people she was always looking out for him, and he suspected she had an idea of what went on at home. Possibly from how he had flinched when she touched his arm trying to get his attention once.
“Somebody has left his for me to give to you” she handed him a carefully wrapped gift and a card attached to it.
“Thanks, any idea who it's from?”
“Not a clue, sorry sweetheart” she spoke dejectedly.
“Not to worry then. I’ll see you around next year” He smiled and waved to the woman as he continued back to his flat now curious as to who had given him the gift and card and if they knew it was his birthday yesterday or just a coincidence, they had given him the gift today.
Once he reached the flat, he headed straight to his room to open the gift. He carefully unwrapped the gift, he felt a bit foolish trying to favour the paper, but he hardly ever got gifts now, his family stopped exchanging gifts once he reached sixteen, and Sirius hadn’t given him anything for a while even though he sent gifts to the Potter’s for his birthday and Christmas he did so anonymously and sent them for the whole house on Christmas. He did get gifts from his friends at uni although it was more often alcohol than not. Removing the paper, he saw a gorgeous grey leather-bound journal with the word φύλαξ stamped on the inside of the front cover and a fountain pen on top of it. After seeing the gift, he had an idea of who had given him the gift and was hoping the card would reveal the name of the mysterious stranger who had been turning up a lot recently.
To My φύλαξ
Thank you for looking after me when I needed it this term. I hope this gift shows you at least a little of my appreciation.
Yours thankfully
James Potter
Regulus dropped the letter like it had burnt him once he read who the gift and letter were from. He wasn’t sure what to feel when he realised the person he had been helping, and if he was being honest with himself starting to develop a crush on, was the person who his brother had chosen over him. Regulus Black had always been resolute in his hatred of James Potter because it was an easier emotion to deal with than jealousy, but the person who had been helping in his private study was someone he pitied not someone he could hate. Regulus disliked the way he was starting to understand why Sirius had so easily chosen James Potter instead of him his brother.
Regulus was also going to resolutely ignore how James had noticed he was studying Ancient Greek and was definitely going to ignore the fact that he had called Regulus his guardian, in Ancient Greek no less. He was going to pretend none of this happened for the summer and would deal with it in October when uni restarted for the new year.
***
It was two weeks into the new year, and he swore that his brother, James, Marlene, and the rest of their friend group was everywhere, and he was barely managing to avoid them. Compared to last year when he had only seen his brother a handful of times and had still not been spotted, he had seen what he assumed is his brother's boyfriend, if the number of times he had seen them snogging was any indication, more often due to the both of them studying classics but luckily they didn't share any tutorials or seminars they possibly shared the occasional lecture but he wasn't confident on that. And obviously, he had frequently seen James Potter in the library. But now he couldn't walk anywhere without seeing any of them and it was starting to piss him off, on the bright side he was yet to be interrupted by James in his study this year.
As he was heading to the library to start on the new coursework, he had already been assigned this year he was talking to Barty, who was on his way to meet Evan for one of their dates, about their upcoming gigs for the rest of the calendar year.
“So, the only major ones we have are that birthday one at the start of November and the uni’s Christmas party and then the rest are just smaller local gigs.” He was pretty sure Barty hadn’t stopped moving from the moment he had been able to as a small child because he was almost bouncing as he walked beside Regulus through the library.
“Sounds great we’ll just need to schedule a couple more practices around the two major gigs but otherwise we should be good until January,” Regulus replied as he searched his bag for the things, he’d need for the work he was about to do.
“Are you sure you’ll make them? I seem to remember somebody missing rehearsals last year.” Barty said with a smirk on his face, he knew how much it annoyed Regulus when he bought it up.
“Hey! I only missed the one and anyway you and Evan are both consistently late to practice ‘cause you’re too busy screwing each other”
“Why wouldn’t he’s fucking fit I’m not missing out on that. Are we doing any new songs this year or are saving them for next year?”
“I think we could include Fluorescent Adolescent, fake ID, and Jolene possibly? What do you think?”
“Sounds good to me I know Pandora was definitely wanting to do more country songs this year- oh there’s Evan I am off young Reggie; I shall see you later.” Barty walked off with a bounce in his step towards his boyfriend abandoning Regulus to walk the rest of the way on his own.
He arrived at the room and entered and started to set his desk up whilst typing the new songs they were adding to their set list onto his phone. He was distracted so he didn’t notice the other presence in the room.
“Hi! How was your summer?” they spoke startling Regulus causing him to drop his phone and walk into the desk.
“Fuck, shit that hurt,” Regulus swore under his breath.
“Woah are you ok?” an apologetic looking James spoke.
Regulus just stared at the person in shock. Here in his little study was James Potter. James Potter who was talking to him. Regulus couldn’t seem to get his brain to work and reply to James. He kept opening and closing his mouth in shock before finally spitting out.
“You can talk?” after that, they both seemed to stare at each other before Regulus’ brain seemed to catch up with his mouth a blush rose on his cheeks and the tips of his ears “shit that was rude I’m sorry, why are you here?”
James who was also blushing though far less noticeable than Regulus replied, “I wanted to see you again and thank you in person for all the help you gave me last year.”
That seemed to stump Regulus because nobody usually thanked him, they sort of just expected him to help. “Well ok, you’re welcome then.” He continued to go about setting his area up before he was interrupted again.
“You’re using the journal I gave you.” James looked far too happy about that in Regulus’ opinion, he had used up his old one and needed more space to write his song ideas in and had this one so why not.
“Oh yeah, I used up all the pages in my old one and needed another one to write music in” he didn’t look up from his stuff so missed the look that passed over James’ face when he revealed he wrote music.
“Oh, that's so cool, do you play in a band, or do you just write?” James seemed to have as much energy as Barty did Regulus thought.
“I play in a band with a couple of friends we’re mainly doing covers at the moment though”.
“Awesome any chance I’d have seen you play before?”
“Possibly depends where you go a night out,” Regulus hesitated for a moment before asking the question he’d been wanting the answer to since James had first showed up last year, “ if you don’t mind me asking why did you have all those panic attacks last year?” he asked before, “You don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable sorry forget I asked that” was quickly tacked onto the end.
“Oh no it's ok it’s not uncomfortable to talk about I just forget that not everybody knows ‘cause all my other friends know, I have autism and when I get really overwhelmed, I have panic attacks and well yeah.”
“Oh alright, I suppose you can keep using my study if it’s quite enough for you. Can’t promise it’ll only be me in here all the time though.” Regulus said before turning back to his work not noticing the stunned look on James' face. He started to work on his latest translation this time he was translating the myth of Icarus this year, it was about five minutes into his work before he felt somebody watching him. He looked up to see James still staring at him.
“That's it?” James almost shouted at Regulus.
“That’s what?” Regulus was confused now; he wasn’t sure if he had somehow offended James or done something wrong.
“I mean that’s all you’re going to say? You don’t have any more questions? You don’t want me to explain stuff to you?” the questions rushed out of his mouth.
“I mean you can if you want but I don’t see why you need to” Regulus was confused about why James felt like he owed Regulus an explanation about something so private. When he heard nothing in response he went back to work. The silence lasted for a couple of minutes.
“I like hugging people and holding their hand or just touching them but none of my friends will do that because they think I don’t like it due to my autism” he heard James say very quietly.
An equally as quiet “ok” came from Regulus. They didn’t speak about that conversation and they never acknowledged that after James had a panic attack that Regulus would hug him instead of them heading straight to the desk after, they also didn’t mention how Regulus would sometimes leave his hand on the table when James was there allowing him to grasp it and they definitely never mentioned the little ways Regulus would brush a hand across James' arm if they passed in the corridor or the way he’d squeeze his shoulder in lieu of a greeting when he arrived after James had or when he left before he did.
Regulus never mentioned that James was spending most of his free time in the study room with Regulus. He allowed him to talk about whatever he felt like that day, he learnt a lot about James and also his brother, and sometimes he’d answer James’ questions about Ancient Greek or mythology when asked. He never got annoyed by the constant stream of chatter that came from the boy who spent so much time with Regulus.
Regulus also didn’t think about how his little crush on James was developing into something more that he didn’t want to name.
____________________________________
James Potter had felt all sorts of love before. His Parents loved him unconditionally no matter what he did or how much trouble he got into he knew his parents would still love him. He knew he loved and was loved by his friends he’d do anything for them and had done so. He’d taken Sirius in when he ran away from home at the end of their first year at uni.
He knew he had loved Lily Evans when they’d been dating up to the point when some random guy had kissed him thinking he was someone else, and then apologised very thoroughly to both him and Lily whilst looking mortified, making him realise as much as he loved Lily, he was perhaps more interested in men than he had considered before. The very awkward break-up the next day was followed by relief when Lily revealed she also preferred dating the same sex. She had assured him that she had very much enjoyed dating him and had loved him while they’d been together. They were still very good friends, and she was very much crushing on a woman named Pandora but still hadn’t talked to her.
This is why James knew he was very much in love with Regulus the quiet studious boy who allowed him to use his private study room as a shelter from the rest of the world when he was feeling overwhelmed. It had been a complete accident when he had stumbled upon him the first time but the second time and all the times after that were completely intentional. There was something about him that made James feel completely safe and protected even when at his most vulnerable more than anyone else had before.
There was something familiar about Regulus but for the life of him, James couldn’t work out what it was. The only reason James even knew his first name is from him seeing a text that had popped up one time he had been using Regulus' phone to listen to music after a panic attack. He appreciated the way Regulus would listen to his frequent rambling when he was in the room when Regulus was working, he often just let James talk away but sometimes would participate in the conversation as well.
He also touched James quite often which was something he missed a lot when he was away from home. His friends were amazing and understanding when it came to his autism, but he felt they were often overly cautious with him as if he hadn’t been dealing with it his whole life. But the hugs he got from Regulus after a panic attack or the way he left his hand on the desk for James to hold or play or fiddle with as he felt the need to was an anchor for James when everything was just a bit too much for him to deal with.
James had known that Regulus played music sometimes but what he hadn't been told by Regulus was that he was the lead singer for one of the most popular bands in uni. They’d tried to book the band for his birthday, Peter’s, and Remus’ last year, but they had turned them down each time but here they were performing at Sirius’ birthday party and the person they’d been booked by was Peter. James wasn’t sure why he and Sirius had been turned down all those times they’d tried to book before, but he was happy they were playing at one of their birthdays now.
He was standing in the middle of the makeshift dancefloor in front of the stage they’d set up for the band to play on and he should be dancing but he couldn’t get himself to move. All he could do was stand still and stare at Regulus as he sang commanding everyone’s attention which James’s thought was partly to do with how tight the black jeans Regulus was wearing were, and the now slightly see-through white shirt which he had unbuttoned to about the middle of his stomach showing off his toned chest and the faint outline of abs. James thought he might pass out; it was unfair how fit Regulus was.
“James are you just going to stand there or are you gonna dance again?” Lily jolted him out of the daze looking at Regulus had sent him into. Just as he was about to respond the music cut off and one of the other members of the band started talking.
“Alright ladies, gentlemen and those of you who are neither, like our Pandora here,” the guitar player winked at the keyboard player, who James realised was the gir- nope person that Lily had a crush on. “This is the part of the evening you lot look forward to the most it is … drumroll please Dorcas,” the drummer complied with the request “thank you. It is Arctic Monkeys time!” whatever he was going to say next was cut off by the cheers of other people at the party “yes yes I know very exciting so ladies and the rest of you who are very much attracted to our singer here try not to get too excited about the sultry tones of the next few songs, ENJOY!” with that the opening notes of 505 started to play.
“Gods if I was interested in men the things I’d want the singer to do to me, I mean his voice,” James looked over at Lily who was now fanning herself as if she was overheating “but I mean look at Pandora they’re so pretty, I’ll take them and you can have the singer James” she was now looking at him with a smirk as if she knew exactly where his thoughts had been earlier.
“I mean you’re not wrong Lils I’d let him do numerous unholy things to me he’s so gorgeous it actually wants to make me cry,” he then looked back at the stage and focused on the keyboard player Pandora, “I understand your obsession with Pandora too they’re stunning to look at.” Lily hummed in response before she took his hand and forced him to start dancing again. 505 finished before they quickly switched to the next song.
“This is one of a few new ones in the set so enjoy, you used to get it in your fishnets
Now you only get it in your night dress…” James was slightly embarrassed at how quickly he knew that it was Regulus speaking but he didn’t dwell on it before he and Lily got caught up in the music and dancing together.
The band played through a few more songs from the Arctic Monkeys discography including I bet you look good on the dancefloor and I wanna be yours. James thought if he hadn’t been in love before he definitely was watching the way Regulus performed and loved performing.
“This is the bit of the evening I’ve been looking forward to the most. This lot has finally let me add more country songs to the set list and personally, I think they're better to dance to.” This section of the setlist had been introduced by Pandora whose voice sounded ethereal. He could understand why Lily was so obsessed with them.
The first notes were twangy definitely a sound he’d associate with country music before Regulus started to sing, he hated how Regulus' voice suited so many genres of music it was unfair James thought how can someone look that good and be as talented as he was. The song was definitely very danceable he’d admit, and it was fun to dance and swing Lily around to the song. When the next song started, he recognised it as 9-5 by Dolly Parton so he sang along with everybody else in the room. He thinks he saw some people attempting line dance which made him laugh at how uncoordinated they were he was enjoying it so much he didn’t notice when the song changed to the next and he kept dancing through most of this part of the set.
There was a brief pause in the music before the song Jolene started playing, he was very familiar with this song because Sirius would sing it all the time at Lily when she had been dating James. He looked up at the stage making direct eye contact with Regulus who had been staring at where he and Lily had been dancing together with what seemed to be upset and a sort of resigned, he kept watching Lily and dancing together through the song as if he was singing directly to Lily, James wasn’t sure why though. Suddenly Regulus’ eyes widen in surprise or panic he couldn’t tell he then felt someone standing behind him. He glanced behind him and saw it was Sirius standing behind him.
“Happy Birthday mate, how does it feel to be 21 now?” When he fully turned around to face Sirius, he saw him staring at the stage in shock like he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing “Sirius are you ok?”
“The singer… The singer he’s my younger brother James.”
____________________________________
Regulus hadn’t even thought about the date when they’d accepted the November gig, he wished he had now. He should've known November 3rd was Sirius Black’s birthday, his older brother’s 21st birthday and he was standing next to James Potter and Lily Evans staring directly at Regulus.
Regulus had seen James almost as soon as they had started performing and spotted him on the dance floor. He had also seen the way Lily Evans had been dancing with him the entire time he knew that James had been dating her recently and they had broken up so he couldn’t work out why they looked so cosy together. He’d never admit it out loud because Regulus Black didn’t get jealous, but he certainly felt it watching the way James smiled and laughed whilst he danced with his ex-girlfriend and Regulus didn’t like it at all.
They’d already planned to sing Jolene that night but watching the scene play out in front of him as he sang made the song feel relevant tonight, he sang it directly at Lily Evans not that she’d suspect it he thought he had also made eye contact with James earlier and knew that James was watching it made him feel slightly smug although he was embarrassed about that thought. He’d just looked back at James when he saw his brother standing behind him, he really hoped Sirius hadn’t realised it was him but the way he spoke to James just then made him think that Sirius defiantly knew it was him.
They only had three more songs to get through before their set ended and he could escape before he was cornered by Sirius. As the song came to an end he turned and faced Barty.
“Barty my brother is here, and he’s definitely worked out who I am” he spoke quietly so the microphone wouldn’t pick up what he was saying.
“Fuck, ok after we’ve finished the set leave and hide in the van, we’ll pack up I’ll tell the rest what’s happening.” Barty discreetly handed him the keys to the van as he said that.
“Thanks, you’re the best.” He turned back around to announce the final three songs.
“You’re buying my first two rounds though” nothing came for free with Barty he thought fondly to himself.
“Ok party goers we’re just about finished here we have three more songs to go before we had over to the DJ. This next song is Late Night Talking by Harry Styles” he announced to the crowd in the area they were performing whilst he tried very hard to avoid the gaze of his estranged older brother.
He made it through the next three songs easily pretending as if he hadn’t seen Sirius. As soon as he sang the closing line of Mr Brightside he was off the stage and pushing his way through the crowd to get outside and hide in their equipment van, he’d gone out through the front to hopefully throw Sirius off and so he didn’t realise he was going around the back to where the van was.
He made it to the van and into the back without having been spotted or caught by his brother or his brother’s friends. He waited around fifteen minutes before the rest of the band turned up with their equipment, they tried to open the van door, but he’d locked it with him in it.
One of them banged on the door “open up Reggie it's us” that was Pandora he thought but couldn’t be completely sure.
“Fine if it’s actually you, what's the name of the first person I kissed?” he asked because only those four knew.
“Ha! That's a trick question you were black-out drunk so you can’t remember but the first person you kissed that you remember the name of is none other than our very own Evan Rosier.” it was them thankfully. He unlocked the van and opened the door before climbing out and helping them load the equipment into the van.
“Well other than the minor blip at the end I’d say that was a successful evening, wouldn’t you?” Dorcas was correct of course but he felt a bit embarrassed at how reacted to seeing his brother.
“I’d say so, onto the Hog’s Head as usual then. Regulus is buying the first two rounds as thanks aren’t you mate?” Regulus sometimes wanted to strangle Barty, but he was thankful for the friends he had.
“Yes, I am let's get a move on then.”
***
Regulus didn’t have any classes until the following Tuesday, so he managed to hide out at the house until then. But now he was at university and probably looked stupid as he was hoping not to be seen by his brother or any of his friends who he assumed Sirius had told who he was in relation to Sirius.
He hadn’t been spotted by any of them for now so he headed to the library where he could hide away in his study room until it was time for his last lecture of the day, which he was thinking about skipping in case his brother’s boyfriends ? went to that one but it was his favourite lecture he had so he knew he’d end up going.
He made it to the room without running into anyone and breathed a sigh of relief whilst putting his bag on the table.
“I thought you’d eventually turn up here, you know I don’t even have any classes today” the voice made Regulus jump he forgot James knew about this room and was cursing himself for that.
“Holy shit you scared me I think I might be having a heart attack” Regulus was being dramatic, but he enjoyed it as no one expected it from him.
“You're just as dramatic as your brother you know?” Regulus hadn’t looked up at James yet but with that statement, his head whipped up and he glared at him, he knew he was talking about Sirius, but Regulus hadn’t considered Sirius as his brother since he left him behind in that house. He of course was lying to himself Sirius would always be Regulus' brother and hero.
“Nah Barty’s way more dramatic than I am” he spoke casually but, on the inside, he was incredibly wary of the way James was looking at him and he certainly didn’t miss the sharp inhale of breath that came from James.
“I’d always thought you looked familiar to me, but I couldn’t work out why, now that I know you and Sirius are brothers, I can see it clearly” James spoke from where he was sitting at the table.
“Me and Sirius aren’t brothers and haven’t been for a long time so if all you’re going to do is sit there and talk about him you can leave now.” Regulus sat down and for the first time since James turned up at the end of last year put his headphones on and ignored James.
____________________________________
James blinked in shock at the sudden cold attitude he received from Regulus who had always been so kind and patient with him. He couldn’t work out what had gone wrong with Sirius and Regulus, but he could tell that it obviously hadn’t happened the way Sirius had told them about at his party.
The way Sirius had told them suggested that Regulus had been glad to see Sirius leave. He said that Regulus hadn’t talked to him since the first few weeks he had been at Uni and had basically waved him off as he had left to go and live with James and his family. But looking at the boy he had fallen in love with sitting in front of him he could tell that Regulus still cared deeply about Sirius so James couldn’t understand why he hadn’t tried to contact Sirius.
Moony had told Sirius he had seen Regulus around the Classics department he’d said if he’d known who Regulus was, he’d have told Sirius straight away. The rest had camped out there today, but James knew he didn’t have any lectures in that department until the rest were all in lectures themselves. He felt slightly guilty that he hadn’t told Sirius about this room, but he selfishly wanted to keep it to himself. It was his sanctuary, his escape from the rest of the world and the Regulus in here was someone James didn’t want to share with anybody else.
James took the opportunity with Regulus ignoring him to observe him and try and notice the similarities between him and Sirius. He could see it in the shape of the jaw and the set of their eyes. Their noses were similar, but Sirius’ had been broken in a fight and hadn’t healed properly so they looked slightly different in that respect. He was so busy studying Regulus’ face that he almost missed the hand that Regulus offered to him to hold. It made James want to cry even if Regulus was mad at him, he wasn’t going to punish James by taking away something James craved so badly.
He decided that he wasn’t going to tell Sirius about this room, he’d obviously still help him try and find Regulus around the rest of the campus but in here they were both safe from the outside. He’d been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed Regulus pack up and leave until he was tugging his hand free and with a squeeze of James’ shoulder, he’d left the room.
James decided to head back to his house but picked up some groceries on the way to be helpful and ease some of the guilt he felt over not telling Sirius where Regulus could easily be found.
“Honey I’m home and I come bearing gifts” he yelled as he walked into the house.
“You’ve brought my brother with you?” Sirius asked hopefully as he ran around the corner towards James.
“Uh no just shopping sorry Pads” he answered sounding a bit regretful.
“Oh, thanks Prongs, sorry I was just feeling hopeful I guess”.
“No luck I take it today then”.
“None, it was like he’s disappeared off the face of the planet” Moony answered this time coming round the corner to join them. Once reached them he threw an arm around Sirius' shoulders and pulled him into his chest to give him some comfort.
James watched them with jealousy as he wanted something like that, but he knows it was unlikely. He always felt guilty when he felt like that about their relationship because he knew that it was a struggle for both of them. It was one of the reasons that Sirius had left because his family would never accept him being gay and Remus had struggled with his sexuality having come from an area that was highly religious and having to listen to services where the way he was feeling was spoken about so negatively really affected him. James had watched them dance around each other for the first year, Sirius was unwilling to enter the relationship because he was scared his family would try to hurt Remus. Remus was wary because he was still struggling with how he felt about his own sexuality.
Whilst he and Lily had been in a relationship for some of last year the only person James could imagine feeling the way Remus and Sirius did about each other was Regulus, who as part of Sirius was probably not inclined to feel the same way as James. Maybe he could just ask him the next time I see him .
“Do you know what course he’s taking maybe he does something other than Classics?” James knew for a fact that Regulus was also taking business classes but couldn’t reveal he knew that without having to answer any follow up questions.
“Prongs I knew we kept you around for a reason, you’re so smart. How’d I be able to find that out though?” Sirius looked at Remus and James hoping they would know the answer.
“I’m not sure maybe a lecturer or tutor might know the answer to that” Remus to the rescue thankfully.
“Hello, we’re back,” Marlene, Peter and Lily walked through the front door interrupting the previous conversation “bad news Sirius we did not find your brother good news though Lily here remembered he was a part of that band along with Pandora and Dorcas, so they’d have to rehearse somewhere and are probably playing more gigs soon.” James pretended not to hear the wistful tone in Marlene’s voice when she mentioned Dorcas. He thought it was funny how three of his friends including himself had crushes on the people in the band that played at Sirius’ Birthday.
“My Lilyflower you are so wonderful and smart people worship the ground you walk on” Sirius then planted a smacking kiss on Lily’s face once again causing James to feel a flash of jealousy at the fact that even Sirius the man he considered a brother didn’t partake in casual affection with James.
“Ok plan of attack tomorrow, Prongs, Moony and I are going to ask our lecturers how you’d be able to find out somebody else's schedule, possibly find out Regulus’ schedule. Wormtail, Marlene and Lily are going to look for places a band may rehearse around campus and then we’re all going to scout out where they might be playing next agreed? Agreed good.” Sirius spoke before clapping his hands together and then kissing Remus before heading to the kitchen to start dinner.
***
James headed to the room where he usually spent his free time with Regulus but when he arrived there was someone else talking to Regulus leaving James unsure about what to do so he just hovered awkwardly in the doorway.
“You can come in James, Evan was just on his way now, no need to hang out in the doorway” Regulus hadn’t looked up from whatever the pair were studying closely.
James walked into the room skirting around the person he didn’t know and sat in his usual seat when he looked up again the person, Evan, who James recognised from the band was walking out of the room. James also noticed they’d been looking at something in the journal he had given Regulus at the end of last year.
Regulus put the journal away and pulled out a large book and a notebook before he started working on what James assumed was coursework, but he hadn’t put his headphones on this time, so he took that as a good sign.
Just as he was working up the courage to ask Regulus a question, he offered his hand to James again who quickly snatched it and fiddled with Regulus' fingers to help ease the anxiety he was feeling.
“Can I ask you a question?” James spoke nervously.
“You can, I might not answer depending on the question though” Regulus was always calm and put together it was unfair in James’ opinion.
“What do you think about gay people?” James managed to rush out and was surprised the question made sense.
Regulus put his pen down and looked up at James, but he didn’t take his hand back, which was a good sign James thought before he asked “like in general? Or do you mean am I gay? Or do you want to know if I care whether my brother’s gay?” he raised an eyebrow at James, who just nodded in response,
“Well to answer your questions: I am gay, two of my best friends are in a gay relationship together another one is a lesbian and the third is trans and bisexual bit of a strange group to surround myself with if I disliked gay people,” James had forgotten Pandora was trans and he now had information to tell Lily and Marlene about the people they had crushes on
“you know I’m pretty sure I’m the first person who knew Sirius was gay, there are only so many times you can catch your brother staring at the arse of the players on the opposition rather than playing football before you start to suspect he prefers men to women even with all the posters of women he stuck up in his room, really was a secret he didn’t try very hard to keep secret.” James was shocked by Regulus' answer mainly because it’s the most he’d heard him speak apart from when he saw him perform.
Regulus picked his pen up to begin working again before he could James blurted out “Why do you hate Sirius so much?”
Regulus put his pen down again, he seemed to contemplate answering the question before he came to a decision.
“I don’t hate Sirius he’s my brother you know? He was my hero growing up he was so cool I wanted to be exactly like him. I’m sure he’s told you that our parents were strict and old fashioned when it came to punishing us. Sirius as the eldest felt like he had a responsibility to protect me from our parents I guess, so whenever I got in trouble he’d try and take the blame my parents would punish him for it then when he’d go out for whatever lesson or sports activity, he had that day they’d punish me. My punishments were always worse if Sirius had said it was him because they thought I needed to learn responsibility so if Sirius had ten lashes, I got twenty and so on. I guess I resented him a bit for that.
“Then he left home and came to university and he called me the first day and all he could talk about was how good it was being away from home and how cool his new flatmates were. I guess I felt a bit jealous of the fact that he didn’t have to suffer our parents and he got to be friends with people he could choose and not who are parents told us to be friends with. Which is an awful thing to feel jealous about I know but you can’t help how you feel.
“Then it was maybe three weeks later he started going on and on about one of his flatmates about how great they were and how close he and Sirius were and then Sirius said Regulus he’s so great he’s like the brother I’ve never had. Do you know what it feels like to hear that some stranger is a better brother to the person you’d idolised your whole life than you had ever been” Regulus’ eyes were shiny at this point like he wanted to cry. James had realised that the person Regulus was speaking about was him, he’d been the cause of the Black brothers falling out.
“You know I could have forgiven him for that, it hurt but it wasn’t the end of the world I just needed to prove myself as a better brother. But the thing I can’t forgive Sirius for was him leaving,” Regulus sucked in a breath like he was trying to stop himself from crying before he shook his head and continued speaking “no I can forgive him for leaving what I can’t forgive him for was when he left was not taking me with him.”
Oh, James hadn’t considered that Regulus might have felt abandoned by his older brother. Regulus started to remove his hand from James’ hold and as much as he didn’t want to, he let him go but then Regulus turned his hand over to clasp James’ tightly as if drawing strength from him.
“He knew what it was like to live in that house with them, I mean what did I do to him to deserve the punishments they give out? Was it the fact that he felt like he had to take my punishments? I never asked him to do that! Was I that bad of a brother?” tears were now streaming down Regulus’ face James wasn’t sure what to do before he could say anything Regulus carried on “because if I had done something to him, I would have fixed it if he told me. But if I’d done nothing that means he didn’t think I was worth saving from that house”
Before he’d realised what he was doing James had leant over the table and was kissing Regulus. When his brain caught up with him, he pulled back, but he didn’t get very far before Regulus pulled him back and was kissing him frantically before he slowed the kiss down and then stopped altogether. Regulus didn’t let him move far away though he kept a grip on James’ neck.
“That was the wrong time to kiss you sorry” James mumbled slightly embarrassed by his actions causing his face to blush.
“Mmh, probably but it's okay you’re cute enough to get away with it” Regulus murmured making James’ face flush a deeper red than it already was.
“I have a suggestion you might not like it though so just hear me out before you say no”.
“Ok, I’m listening.”
“Why don’t you come home with me, I live with Sirius then you could talk to him you know say everything you’ve just told me. Nothing has to come of it, it could just be closure for you. You get to say everything you want, and he has to listen.” James was expecting an instant rejection of the idea, so he was surprised when Regulus agreed and let go of him to start packing his stuff up.
“Oh, we’re going now?”
“Yeah well, no time like the present and then after I embarrass myself by crying in front of my older brother you can take me out for a drink, and we can carry on with what we were doing just now” Regulus replied as he finished packing up. And yeah, James liked that idea. He knew Pads had finished lectures for the day so was probably already at their house.
They left the room to walk back to James’ and Regulus held out his hand in a form of an offer who was James to deny himself the opportunity to hold his hand.
***
James was feeling uncomfortable at the moment. Remus had been giving James a funny look ever since he had walked inside the house with Regulus. It had been very awkward when both brothers had seen each other to start with. Then Sirius had looked slightly cross, and Regulus had looked very uncomfortable but determined.
They’d stood at the entrance of the house for a while before Remus suggested that they used his and Sirius' room to talk somewhere private. Which left Remus and James alone in awkward silence for the first time since they’d first met.
They’d been sitting on the sofa for twenty minutes at this point. James kept looking at the door the two brothers had disappeared through and then looked away as if in fear of being caught looking. He thought Remus was trying to communicate something or he wanted to say something, but James couldn’t work it out.
Just as Remus was about to speak the door opened causing James to jump and both brothers walked out with tear-stained faces but small unsure smiles. They both looked happier though, so James counted that as a win. They also seemed to gravitate towards each other more as if they wanted to touch the other to make sure they were really there.
Remus had already got up from the sofa and made his way over to Sirius to check he was ok. He had been so busy watching Remus and Sirius interacting that he hadn’t noticed Regulus approaching James until he was standing over him.
“How about that drink you promised me now?” Regulus held a hand out for James to hold. He pulled James up and towards the door. Once they were outside Regulus threw an arm around James’ waist and pulled him tightly against his side briefly before relaxing the hold slightly.
“You ever been to the Hog’s Head?” Regulus questioned.
“Nope”
“You’re in for a treat then."