Chapter Text
Eric Cartman sits backstage in a hallway, uncharacteristically nervous.
The hustle and bustle of the practice room a little way down the hall from all the music students trying to get in some last minute practice was blaring in his ears probably louder than it actually was. His leg is bouncing up and down in a feble attempt to calm down, his black messenger bag resting at his feet against the chair leg.
This is possibly one of the biggest piano recitals of his life. Usually, a recital wouldn’t be a huge deal. Sure, he would be a little anxious, even so, it was no biggie. But this, this was different. There was quite an acclaimed critic in the audience this time, Priya Maurya, a woman with bob length hair and brown eyes, and Eric was dead-set on catching her attention. He had met her before the show and she seemed quite sweet, not judging at all, but despite her kindness to him and the other students, she had a reputation for being quite no-nonsense when it came to the actual performance. If Eric could catch her gaze with an outstanding performance, he could open new doors for himself in the future, because music was something he absolutely wanted to pursue.
Eric was already out of his comfort zone enough with the critic, but his wardrobe in this very moment is definitely something he doesn’t wear a ton. He was dressed in some black formal slacks and a white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. His hat was removed and his hair… well, his mom had brushed it before this, but thanks to Eric, it was in its normal form once again because his hair was not to be messed with.
Eric was going to play Erik Satie’s Je te veux and it was definitely a fairly difficult song, but he’d done worse. Eric had always been fairly confident in piano, as he was in most things. He was performative by nature, a true theatre kid. He had no problem making a public scene or performing on a stage, no social, nor performance anxiety was present. He was sure of that. But despite all of that, here he is, fidgeting in his seat and bouncing his leg with anticipation and anxiety. His hands are so shaky that if he tried to press the keys now, he’d mess up the first note.
Eric didn’t know exactly why he was always so nervous about recitals, but he had some idea, because piano, and more broadly, music was the only hobby he had that he truly cared about being good at. Music was truly his freedom, it helped him express everything inside and to truly be free from the world and all of its problems. He was confident in anything, everything else, but with music he couldn’t help it if his emotions took charge of him.
Eric was no doubt aware that he was talented at a lot of things musical. Singing, piano, perfect rhythmic ability, etc. He had proven many times throughout his childhood that he certainly had an ear for it, but second guessing himself when it came to things he wanted to be good at was his specialty. You wouldn’t expect this from Cartman, of all people, but who wouldn’t be antsy right now? Yeah, that’s right, nobody. He hates being nervous.
On top of all his unease, his mom, his best friends, and a good chunk of the town of South Park was going to be in the audience. Of course. The recital was open to the public this time, so quite a lot of the town was attending. He could hear them all chit-chatting beyond the stage.
Eric decided to take a peek at the crowd. He saw the concert hall before he had to go backstage and it was an alright size. It was the same one that his piano teacher and the rest of the students always performed at if not at his school. It was only a little ways out on the outskirts of town, and because it stood alone and not with the rest of South Park, it was a little intimidating, but Eric had learned to love this place, he’d been here lots of times for recitals. The only other places he goes for recitals is North Park, they’re a much bigger city than the quiet mountain town Eric is used to, so they have a few more options, but it’s definitely rare to go there. When Eric and the rest of the piano students went to North Park, it was a pretty big deal.
Peering out of the doorway only slightly, his eyes landed on the sleek, black grand piano he was going to be playing very soon. Eric is suddenly very aware of his shaking hands again. His heart was beating out of his chest and his throat became increasingly tighter the longer he looked. Eric tore his eyes away and gazed at the audience, he could see so many people… the last time he saw this place was when it was empty, so seeing it full… it makes his stomach flip a little, even if he’s seen it full so many times before. He was still slightly tucked away so as to not be as noticeable, but he didn’t think anyone would care he was looking because other students peeked all the time. He looked closer and spotted his mom, Stan, Kenny, Kyle, Craig, Clyde, Tolkien and Butters all seated next to or near each other on the left side of the audience… aaand… yeah, there’s Priya Maurya… Eric was dreading playing in front of all these people who either knew him or who he needed to impress, but even so, he was happy to have their support in the audience. His mom had always come to his piano recitals, but his friends had never been to one… ever, so this would certainly be an experience for them.
Unexpectedly, Eric accidentally caught his mom’s gaze. She waved at him, he sheepishly waved back, except, all of a sudden, she was tapping Kyle’s shoulder and pointing right at him. Kyle looked over at him, nudging the other three and waving. Eric waves back rapidly and ducks back behind the doorway again, his face burning. He presses his back hard against the wall, clutching at his chest. Why did his mom have to tap Kyle of all people?! Sure, she’s sitting next to him, but still!
He feels so highly strung, jumpy, his heart beat catching his attention once more, it never pounded this fast. Part of him wonders if it’s because Kyle’s eyes met his, but he quickly voids the thought, walking backstage again and occupying his original seat where he left his bag.
Eric feels his phone buzz. He takes it out and stares at the notification.
From: KAHL at 1:12pm
KHAL: You nervous? Haha
Fatass: NO
KAHL: You totally are you loser lol
Fatass: WRONG! I’m not that nervous.
KAHL: Oookay ;)
Eric shuts off his phone in frustration. How dare Kyle text him that in his moment of weakness? He dares quite easily, and it pisses Eric off.
He sighs and tries to chill the fuck out as his piano teacher, Mrs. Bailey, walks up to him. She’s a kind woman, one Liane knew personally. She has waist length, dark brown hair, thin rectangle glasses that lay across her face hid her green eyes and she was in her usual business-casual attire. All across the board, she looks somewhat like a stereotypical piano teacher. Mrs. Bailey is always very kind, but she took piano very seriously, as did her husband who taught Eric and his friends’s music class at school. Eric can vouch that Mrs. Bailey is a fantastic pianist and an amazing teacher, and coincidentally, she also taught Tweek piano. Eric is actually hoping to find Tweek and talk to him soon, since they knew each other and nobody else, the two had built up a habit of chatting before recitals or at school. It was an unlikely friendship, but a friendship nonetheless.
“Hey, Eric? I’m just checking up on everybody before the show. How are you doing?” Mrs. Bailey asks, sitting in the empty chair next to him.
Eric sighs “Yeah, I’m a little frazzled, but I’ll be fine. How is everyone else?” He asks.
Mrs. Bailey hums “Well, I suppose they’re all a little frazzled too, but they’re all holding up okay.” Mrs. Bailey says “Kosei is playing Tchaikovsky’s November. On The Troika and he’s having a little trouble in the middle of it, but I’m sure he’ll be okay.”
Eric smiles “Well, tell him I wish him luck. I’m off to find Tweek.” He says getting up and slinging his bag over his shoulder.
Mrs. Bailey returns the smile and stands as well. “Well, you tell Tweek I wish him luck too. And good luck to you as well, Eric! You’ll do fine, I’m sure of it.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Bailey!” Eric says as he walks down the hallway, already in a significantly better mood. He knows that Tweek is probably trying to get some last minute practice in before the performance, he’s guessing that he is 10x more nervous than Eric right now.
Eric enters the practice hall and spots the skittish blonde sitting alone in the corner. He walks up to him and sits down in the neighbouring chair, setting down his bag.
“Hey, Tweek. How you holding up?” Eric asks.
Tweek jumps slightly at the sound of his voice “A-Ah, H-Hi, Cartman. I-I’m alright I guess… how are you doing?” He inquires.
Eric shrugs. “Not too bad. What are you playing?”
Tweek is holding the playlist leaflet they were giving away outside the concert hall which featured all the songs the students will all play in his lap. “U-Un sospiro by Liszt. I-I was just looking at everybody’s song choices. Y-You’re playing Je te veux?” Tweek looks up at him.
Eric nods “Yup.” He says, popping the ‘p’.
Tweek smiles “Cool.” He looks back at the leaflet, his shaky, brittle hands making it a bit hard for Eric to read it.
“Oh, Claire is playing Serenade for the Doll! I love that song!” Eric says.
Tweek nods enthusiastically “Yeah, t-totally! It’s so nice… reminds me of autumn, a-and like, leaves dancing in the wind.”
Eric found himself swiftly agreeing. Tweek always had a way of saying what certain songs felt like that just made so much sense. Eric hopes he has that trait too. “You nervous?” Eric quizzes.
Tweek groans “Oh, god yes. I-I’m shaking like a leaf, man! H-How am I gonna play like this?!”
Eric cringes at his accidentally panic inducing question. “Hey, dude, don’t worry. Look,” Eric holds out his hands to Tweek. “my hands are shaking like crazy too.”
Tweek pauses and then smiles. “Th-Thanks, Cartman.” He holds out his fist to Eric. “We’ve got this in the b-bag…!”
Eric returns the smile and fist bumps Tweek.
Immediately after, the intercom begins announcing that the show will start in 20 minutes. Quiet groans of annoyance and yelps of excitement were heard from the rest of the students in the practice hall as they slowly began making their way out of the room. Eric and Tweek look at each other and the former gives the latter a slightly tense smile.
“Mrs. Bailey wishes you luck, by the way.” Eric says.
Tweek chuckles “A-Ah, I’ll need it. Good luck to you as well.”
“Thanks, Tweek. Good luck.” Eric says, him and Tweek sitting up simultaneously and walking out of the room with the rest of the music students.
Eric could feel the familiar uncertainty bubbling up inside his chest, asking questions like “What if I mess up the timing?” “What if I play the wrong note?” “What if I slip up?”, but Eric pushes it down like he always does because he’s above that, damn it. He’ll do fine. He always does.
Even in spite of that, he remembers Priya Maurya, the critic in the audience. His heart flips at the thought and his head starts spinning. Failure is something he’s deathly afraid of, especially when it comes to music. Every time he messes up a note, reads the sheet music wrong, anything, it’s like a stab to the heart, and a hit to his ego…
The rest of the students were sitting in the hallway where Eric was before, it was lined with chairs all leading up to the archway to the stage.
Tweek sits down in an empty chair and Eric follows suit, sitting next to him.
“You should drink some water, dude. Y-You look a bit pale, a-and you’re shaking like crazy.” Tweek says, pointing vaguely to the water bottle in the side pocket of Eric’s bag.
Eric was a little surprised to hear that. “Duly noted. Do I really look that pale?”
Tweek nods “Sort of… I-Is it because of the- Gah-! C-Critic…?” He asks.
Eric sighs, pulling his water bottle out of his bag. “Yeah… I’m really hoping to impress her, but my nerves, man… they’re totally killing my mojo!” He says, taking a big drink.
Tweek frowns “Y-Yeah, I want to impress her too. I-It’s not really like you to be this worried about, well, anything, haha.”
“Yeah, I guess. I don’t know, I just really care about music, that’s why I get so nervous about it because I just want it to go right.” Eric says, giving a small smile.
Tweek nods “I feel similar, music is so amazing. Freedom is really the only way I can describe it.”
“I second that.” Eric says, sliding his water bottle back into the side pocket. He couldn’t agree more, it was something he’d said himself before and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t come up with a better way to say it.
“Attention students, the show starts in 5 minutes, so prepare yourselves!” Mrs. Bailey says as she walks around the corner.
Eric sighs “Almost go-time…” he mutters to himself.
The brunette settles back in his chair as he drowns out the outside world to Songs Without Words in F-sharp major. Focusing on the ups and downs of the song, the slow and the fast rhythmic timing of the notes as they built and built up to a point and then spike. They fall back low and build higher and higher and then back to low as the song comes to a close and then repeats again because it’s stuck in his head.
Eric decides it’s probably a good idea to try and get the song he’s actually playing stuck in his head instead and just as he thinks that, the time comes and the first student steps out onto the stage, time is ticking.
As soon as the music starts, it’s impossible to hear anything except Elegie in E-flat minor. Eric listens and listens to the student play. This black haired girl was the top of the class and right now, she’s playing so beautifully. The black haired girl is grade 8. Eric? Grade 7… Sure it isn’t a big jump, but Eric isn’t nearly as good as her. She’s exactly in time, not a twitch of a finger out of place.
She’ll probably get the attention of that critic.
Eric clenches his fist. He needs to fucking ace this or else everyone else will outshine him and he’ll fall into the dark pits of mediocrity. He’s always needed to try and keep up with everyone else in piano lesson gradings, he does one-on-one lessons with Mrs. Bailey usually, but at gradings, you get to hear everyone else play too. That’s how Eric found out he and Tweek had the same teacher. And it always, always make him feel like shit. He could be top of the world one day, but if it was a grading the next, all his insecurities would catch up to him and he’d stumble because of it.
Before he knows it, the song finishes and the girl, Mari, he thinks her name is, stands up and bows to the applause of the audience. It’s just as Eric feared, not a single mistake…
Damn it.
It’s not as if he wanted everyone else to fail so that he didn’t have to feel inadequate. Of course he wanted everybody to succeed and get a music degree and be amazing at piano and all that gay shit, but it was just so frustrating to see other people get the recognition that he longed for oh so badly.
Next, another student, Eric thinks her name is Elizabeth, grade 7, like him. She walks onto the stage, sits down and starts playing Fantasie-impromptu in C-sharp major, a scarily difficult song.
She falters slightly on the timing and Eric curses on her behalf because fuck, that is the worst, but he’s also slightly comforted by the fact that he’s not alone in his (possible) messing up. Even so, she carries on, playing elegantly and mostly in time.
The song ends and she bows and the crowd claps again. Eric barely pays attention the next few performances, but eventually, it’s coming up to Tweek’s turn.
Tweek is shaking like an ague. Eric looks over at him. He can’t play like that…
“You okay, Tweek?” Eric asks.
Tweek twitches and nods, breathing deeply in, and then out.
Eric lightly pats him on the back and Tweek manages to calm down just in time for his performance.
As the boy who played last bowed and walked off stage, Tweek stands up and glances at Eric.
“Break a leg!” Eric whispers encouragingly.
Tweek smiles, takes a quick deep breath, steels himself and walks through the archway. Eric looks out onto the stage. He can just about see Craig staring intently at his boyfriend. Tweek is dressed in formal slacks and a light blue button down. He doesn’t own any fancy shoes, but he made do with some unnoticeable black sneakers. It makes it easier to push the pedals anyway.
As soon as he sits down, any shred of nervousness fades away and Tweek begins to play Un sospiro flawlessly without a mere shiver in sight. Eric smiles. Anxious as he may be, Tweek is set. Eric knows he has the potential to be an absolutely outstanding pianist.
As Tweek presses the last notes, he stands up and faces the crowd of people, taking a short bow to heaps of applause from the audience and walking off stage beaming like an idiot.
There is now just one more kid between Eric and certain death. He thinks it’s that Kosei boy that Mrs. Bailey mentioned. He stands up and walks onto the stage, sits, and starts to play November. On The Troika.
Eric’s heart rate increases, he feels so timorous he could puke. His hands are shaking and he decides to take a leaf out of Tweeks book before it’s too late to.
Eric steadies his breathing and closes his eyes, he is not used to being this nervous. Eric knows he really needs to calm down, and luckily, he feels himself start to. He tries to fill his head with positive thoughts. In a slight panic he thinks: What would Kyle say to me right now?
…
“You can do this.”
“You’re capable of so much more than you think.”
“You know what you’re doing, you’ve practiced this a million times before.”
“It’s okay.”
“I believe in you.”
Eric opens his eyes.
He looks at Mrs. Bailey and she gives him two thumbs ups. It’s go time, he thinks to himself as he stands.
Eric squeezes his eyes shut as he takes a deep breath and finally steps out onto the stage. He’s never felt so timid and meek in his life. As he walks towards the grand piano in the centre, he takes a look at the audience. Eric spots Priya, she catches his gaze and smiles encouragingly. His eyes travel to his friends and his mom who were all watching him with excited anticipation.
Eric finally reaches the piano and sits down, placing his feet lightly on the pedals and resting his fingers on the keys.
Alright, time to play.
Though suddenly, to his dismay, Eric’s mind goes completely blank.
Eric’s heart leaps into his throat as if to jump out of his mouth and scream to the whole wide world how scared he is right now. He stares at the black and white keys that have lost their meaning to him and purses his lips.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!
He tries to keep his breathing steady, all eyes are on him. If he screws up now, he doesn’t know what he’ll do! For all he knows he could move down a grade! He can’t have that!
Eric steels himself and looks up at the sheet music and all of a sudden, it all comes back to him. The brunette presses the first notes and slowly begins to build the rhythm, being stumped by the timing a little. The beginning keys are cautious and uncertain but slowly, the audience to his right fades away and he begins to actually enjoy himself. Eric sways slightly to the notes as he plays in absolute musical bliss. Eric smiles to himself and closes his eyes momentarily, as he opens them again, he is in the sky, doves flying high above him, the sun shining onto the keys and illuminating his kaleidoscopic eyes, it feels just like a summer day.
It’s different from the otherwise normal scenery he sees when he plays casually and with no real end goal in mind, but this, the sky and birds and the sun feels so do-or-die, but in a way that makes Eric excited.
All the anxiety before became worth it, so worth it, and even though he knows his body is still in the concert hall, his mind is in a better, more beautiful place and he is finally free. He can’t help the bubbly feeling in his chest, Eric feels like it’s going to burst.
As the songs happy, serene melody builds, Eric’s heart explodes into every colour imaginable like a firework and all the colours swirl and swirl around him in time to the elegant waltz he’s playing. The tranquil sky beneath him is glowing intensely and he is encapsulated by the joyful music that he is creating. A slight serene breeze combs through his hair dreamily and he feels as if he is floating, a light and airy feeling in his chest.
Eric is so loose and fluid that it’s almost like he is liquid, he’s flowing around rocks in a river or washing over the soft sand at the beach. He’s air, flurrying around with the doves in the sky, flying with the clouds. He’s fire licking up at the sunset, never feeling so high. He always feels this way during a song, it’s kind of addictive, in a way.
Music truly is freedom.
As Eric plays the final notes with purpose, his heaven wistfully fades away and he is back inside the concert hall, almost as if he never left. He takes his hands off the keys and stands up, bowing his head and shoulders to the roaring applause from the crowd. Eric couldn’t keep the grin off his face.
He looks up and to his friends. They all look absolutely astonished. Eric catches Kyle’s eye and Kyle gives him a smile as he’s clapping. Eric returns it and walks off stage, stupid grin and all.
As he returns to backstage, Tweek runs up to him “T-That was awesome, dude!!” He says.
Eric is beaming and he chuckles “You were awesome too, Tweek! I love how you play Un sospiro! It’s so beautiful.”
“Ah, t-thanks! You play Je te veux so charming and lovely! I could really feel the passion!” Tweek says happily.
Eric smiles wider, Kyle smiling at him replaying in his mind. “Thank you, Tweek.”
The two boys sit quietly through the next few performances with the other performers until the hour is finally up and they can meet with their families. Tweek and Eric exit the concert hall through the back entrance with the rest of the students and the group loops back around to the parking lot to go home. For the duo, it’s different. Eric’s mom promised them all KFC after the recital because of how nervous the two boys were when they heard about the critic, and frankly, Eric couldn’t wait to see everyone. After a few hours of nonstop tension, it felt so amazing to be relaxed after, and to have done (hopefully) well!
Tweek and Eric round the corner and run up to their friends. Craig wraps Tweek into a hug and starts raving about how good he did while Clyde and Tolkien agree and they all fawn over the blonde boy. Tweek is a blushing, giggling mess before his mom steers them away to give Tweek a hug and congratulations of her own.
Liane engulfs her son into a big hug. “Ooh! That was so amazing, hon!! I’m so proud of you.”
Eric giggles, wriggling his way out of her grasp. “Sh-Shut up mom… thanks though.” He says, shifting his focus to his friends.
“Holy shit, dude! That was fucking amazing!!!” Kenny says, hyped as always, grabbing Eric’s shoulders and shaking them.
Stan peeks out from behind Kenny “We need to come to your recitals more often.”
“Totally!! You did so good!” Butters adds.
Eric smiles “I’m glad you guys enjoyed it!” He says. Honestly, he’s just waiting for Kyle to say something.
Kyle looks at him with the same smile and glint in his emerald eyes that he gave him in the concert hall. “That was seriously incredible dude. Really.”
Eric’s brain falters for a moment as the boys turn to Tweek to give their compliments. He smiles, he doesn’t know why, but he lets himself bask in the compliment as a warm fuzzy feeling engulfs his entire body, butterflies fluttering in his stomach. After all is said and done, Stan’s gang all load into Liane’s car and Craig and those guys load into Helen, Tweek’s mom’s car and they all start to drive.
Eric is seated next to Kenny in the left hand window seat in the back as he and Stan talk about some of the other students and occasionally ask Eric what a song name is. Eric stares out of the window at the Ghibli-esk clouds in the deep azul sky. They looked almost like the ones in his vision. He smiled at them and looked at the trees bathed in sunlight, turning back sometimes to answer a question or give a quip at an insult, just their usual banter. Kyle quietly reads the playlist leaflet in the front seat (Kenny failed to call shotgun), and he turns back to look at Eric.
“Why did you choose Je te veux as your song, Cartman?” Kyle asks out of curiosity.
“Oh,” Eric turns to look at him. “well, I’ve always loved that song, and we’d learnt it in time for the recital, so I picked it. It’s so fun to play.” He says with a smile. Kyle smiles back at him and again, the weird feeling in his stomach makes itself present. Eric turns back to the window and starts listening to whatever song is playing on the radio right now and the banter of his three best friends (and biggest fans) as he drifts off into a daydream. Eric starts to experience a feeling he doesn’t get enough of, a feeling he misses as soon as its gone: Freedom. Just the pure bliss of being a kid.
But this feeling only leaves him with a burning question in mind…
What comes next?