Chapter Text
04 May 3 ABY ECHO Base 14:00:
My name is Lt. Wes Janson of Talaab and I am writing this confession of my own free will and volition (I mean, not really, but Dodonna is hovering over me menacingly and ordered me to write that). On 4 May, 3 ABY at approximately 02:00, I Wes Jansen, badass pilot of Rogue Squadron and resident prankster of Echo Base, committed the “horrific” (if by horrific he means horrifically funny) “crime” (I note we are all criminals, galactic terrorists even - so who are they to judge me for having a little fun?) of streaking. All considered, this is a more minor crime that blowing up the Death Star). Dodonna would like to note for the record that he does not appreciate me mocking him or the Rebel Alliance. Noted. Anyway, it all started when Hobbie bet me that I wouldn’t have the guts (he said a different part of the anatomy, but Dodonna made me delete it and is insisting ‘henceforth’ – who the hell even says that word anymore? Anyway, I have now been ordered to call him GENERAL Dodonna. Ok, Papa, fine.) Where was I? Oh yes, Hobbie dared me to run naked and screaming through Echo base in the middle of the night. And the look on Supreme Leader Mon Mothma’s face was surely worth whatever painful death awaits me as a proud rogue pilot and rebel. So that’s my confession, throw me in the brig already.
P.S. I would like to note for the record that at approximately -12C, my junk was not well represented, due to the cold conditions. I protest Supreme Commander Mothma’s description of me as the “chubby-cheeked eunuch.” It is insensitive for her to mKe jokes about mutilation and also, I am not an eunuch and I am happy to parade around Mon naked in a climate-controlled room any time.
P.P.S. I would like to note the abuse I have suffered at the hands of GENERAL Dodonna, who has rudely smacked me up the back side of my head for my ‘inappropriate, disrespectful insolence.” He was not impressed when I pointed out that disrespectful and insolence were synonyms and therefore redundant. And he has smacked me again. The suffering I must endure to ensure galactic freedom.
Insincerely Yours,
Lt. Wes Janson
Rogue Squadron/Echo Base Prankster Extraordinaire
XXX
Approximately 12 Hours Before
“The mama pajama rolled out of bed
And she ran to the police station”
Supreme Commander of the Alliance to Restore the Republic Mon Mothma had finally fallen asleep in the guest quarters of this frozen wasteland called Echo Base, when frantic screaming roused her from a fitful sleep. Years of being hunted by the Imperials had honed her ability to awake instantaneously. She listened momentarily at the continued screaming before she grabbed the blaster hidden under her pillow and silently slipped on her boots and lined robe. She was so focused on the apparent attack underway on Echo Base she did not pause to consider that her hair was still in curlers and a wrap. She quietly palmed open her door and peaked outside to see if anyone else in High Command was preparing a defense. No one was in the corridor yet. She must get to the Princess – an invaluable target for the Empire - and ensure her safety.
As she padded silently down the frozen hall to Leia’s quarters, she heard screaming and loud footsteps, as well as shouts, approaching her location. She was prepared to make a stand to protect Princess Leia at all costs but couldn’t help but wonder where the hell her own protection was right now. She knocked quietly on Leia’s door to warn her as the thunderous pounding of feet and shouting grew ever closer.
“Leia, we are under attack. Wake up this instant!” Mon Mothma whisper-shouted.
Mon listened intently for signs Leia was awake and would open her door. She paused; positive she had heard a male voice inside. She knocked again, as she heard the noises very close to the command center, and only a passage away from where Mon stood, ready to give her life for Leia.
After what felt like hours, Leia clearly roused from sleep, finally palmed open her door and poked hear head out, dressed in sleep thermals with her braids askew.
“Mon? Is everything ok?” Leia asked sleepily.
“We are under attack!” Mon hissed, shoving Leia roughly back inside just as the sound of the pounding feet and shouting approached the Princess’ door frame.
Mon was momentarily struck dumb at the site of a naked man skidding to a halt in front of the doorway. She didn’t think twice before stunning him, causing him to fall and slide another meter further down the hall. That must hurt, she thought absently as she turned her blaster on the rest of the crowd before recognizing Commander Skywalker and Lt. Antilles, clothed thankfully, skidding to a halt near the nude runner and hoisting him off the icy floor. She relaxed her shooter’s stance, as it dawned on her that they had been victims of a prank. She was going to eviscerate that chubby-cheeked eunuch for his foolishness.
Mon Mothma took a deep breath as an inebriated group of pilots and Chewbacca the Wookie looked at their Supreme Commander, armed and guarding the quarters of Princess Leia, in wide-eyed shock and admiration.
Before Mon could dress everyone down for their absolutely outrageous behavior, she looked over her shoulder to ensure Princess Leia was alright, only to notice Captain Solo was sitting nonchalantly on her bunk.
“Evening, Mothy,” Han lumbered in a sleepy voice. She briefly caught his eye and the scoundrel had the audacity to wink at her. He was not in a snow suit, but in a tight-fitting t-shirt and casual pants.
“Kriff!” Leia swore, attempting to block the view of her bunk from the drunk pilots out in the hall. After years as a Republic and Imperial senator, Mon had impeccable control of her face, not belying her astonishment at finding Leia, the girl she had known since infancy, keeping late-night company with the likes of Captain Solo, whom Mon had been quite fond of up until about 30 seconds ago.
“I’m not here to judge, Your Highness. Merely relieved you are quite unharmed from this…” She paused to glare at the rebels in the hall, “riff-raff,” she spit out. “I thought we were being attacked, they made such a terrible racket.”
“I must report this to Jan immediately. How that old codger didn’t wake up is just beyond belief! In any event, goodnight Princess Leia, Captain Solo.” At Leia’s obvious mortification, she said Solo’s name softly enough only Leia and Solo could hear it.
“Good night, Mon…and..err..that was pretty bad-ass of you.” Leia nudged her chin toward’s Mon’s lowered blaster and shot Mon an apologetic smile before palming her door closed.
“And you all!” She pointed at the group as she entered the hallway, which now included the still naked man draped in a coat and propped up by his squad mates. “I am utterly disappointed at your unprofessional and dangerous conduct. I could have killed you. I will report this occurrence to General Dodonna. There will be an investigation. Go to your quarters, immediately.”
The pilots, too drunk to scatter before Supreme Commander Mothma noted their faces, now made a run for their bunks, hoping Mon Mothma wouldn’t remember their names.
XXX