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Maya woke up and something felt wrong. She reached out for her girl but only met the bedsheets beside her. There was this second were panic was flooding into her body scared that she only had imagined Carina coming back home, but then she saw Carinas phone on the bedside table and worry removed the panic. The bed beside her was cold so Carina was already not in bed for some time.
„My love?“ she called but with no answer.
She got out of bed walking into the kitchen and then the living room, but nothing.
„Carina?“ Suddenly on her way back through the apartment she heard something from the bathroom. She knocked with no answer.
She slowly opened the door and was met with Carinas voice murmuring.
„You have to keep it together you have to keep it together you have to keep it together.“
Mayas heart broke seeing her girl sitting in the shower embracing her knees to her chest rocking forth and back.
„Carina?“ She wasn’t reacting to her voice as if she couldn’t hear her. She had her eyes squinted and closed.
„My love?“ Maya was kneeling beside her not knowing what to do. She was afraid to switch the light on or touch her in case she would get even more scared of that.
Because Carina already looked so scared but what could she do?
Carina was shaking probably cold and she still murmured „You have to keep it together“ over and over again.
„Ok baby I am here I got you ok? You don’t have to be afraid you don’t have to keep it together I am here you can let go. Ok I will go really fast in the living room ok?“
She knew she wouldn’t get an answer but she needed to talk to her girl in case she maybe heard her and it would help to get her out of whatever her head was showing her or making her feel right now. But honestly she talked every next step out loud to help herself too, to not get into a panic seeing her girl like that not being able to help. She ran to the living room bringing candles and Carinas favorite blanket from the couch. Then she went to get Carinas phone before going in the kitchen again bringing a glass of water and then right back into the bathroom. Tears were gathering in her eyes seeing her girl shivering in this shower on this cold floor fighting and murmuring the same sentence over and over again with tears streaming down from closed eyes.
„Ok love I am back. I will light some candles ok. I don’t want to scare you with the bright light so maybe it is a good idea or maybe it isn’t I don’t know my love but we will try ok? Can you hear me?“ Still nothing no reaction.
She lighted the candles.
„So baby now we have some light ok? Carina can you hear me?“
„You have to keep it together you have to keep it together.“
„It’s okay babe I am here I got you. We will get you out of there I promise.“
She took Carinas phone before opening her music folder starting their playlist they created some time ago mostly on when they are cooking or better said when Carina is cooking and Maya can’t keep her eyes off her wife or when they meet in the middle of their apartment dancing around the kitchen always touching never losing contact of each other, laughing and smiling and just loving each other. She pressed play watching her girl, sighing when she kept going with that one sentence.
„It’s okay my love you don’t have to keep it together. I am here I got you you can let go I will catch you I promise I love you so much.“
She began telling Carina that over and over again and suddenly she realized the gaps between her murmuring were getting bigger.
„You are doing amazing baby. I am here take all the time you need I promise I am here. I am not leaving. You don’t have to keep it together you can let go. I will catch you I am right here I promise you. I love you so much.“
After some minutes the murmuring stopped and tears were still constantly streaming down Carinas cheeks.
„Hey my love I am here do you hear me? I am right here I got you I promise. I love you I love you I love you.“
She watched her girl slowly opening her eyes.
„There she is ciao my love.“ Maya whispered with teary eyes smiling at Carina.
Carina looked a little lost.
„It’s okay you are home.“ Maya whispered and in this moment the first sob broke out of Carina and she was sliding down the shower wall laying on the ground sobbing.
„No no no no baby hey ssssh.“ Maya watched helpless when Carina fell apart shaking and breathing way too erraticly. She didn’t know what to do she didn’t know how to help scared if she touched her that it will be „too soft“. But she couldn’t hold back anymore, so she crouched down in front of Carina.
„Love I will touch you now ok? I know it may be too soft but we have to get your breathing under control ok? I am right here. If you don’t want me to touch you you have to try to show me in some way ok. I am sorry baby.“ Maya waited a few seconds before she gently pulled Carina from the shower floor into her arms sitting against the wall Carina sideways on her lap, her head resting against Mayas chest continuing to sob.
„Ssssshhh I am here. I got you.“ She was swaying back and forth.
„Try to listen to my heartbeat baby.“
Maya tried to control her own breathing breathing slowly and deeply in and longer out over and over again, holding Carina tight gently stroking her hair.
After some time Maya couldn’t tell how long they were sitting there, the sobbing stopped and Carina was holding onto Mayas t-shirt for dear life. Her breathing was shaky but back to normal and Maya sighed in relief.
After holding onto each other more Maya whispered: „Do you want to drink some water baby?“
Carina slowly nodded and Maya reached out for the glass of water trying not to jostle her too much. Carina sat up reaching out her shaking hands and Maya gave her the water glass but didn’t let go helping to steady Carinas hands when she slowly drank a little before handing it back and resting against Mayas chest again. Maya reached out for the blanket she brought before gently pulling it around her girl hoping it would help her stop shaking.
Maya felt Carina getting more sleepy against her.
„Love can we try and go to bed?“
Carina nodded and tried to push herself up but was still too shaky.
„Wait baby I will help you just give me a second ok? I am right here.“
Maya gently helped Carina sitting against the shower wall before she blew out all the candles and stopped the music on Carinas phone before stepping back into the shower. Carina was looking up at her with tired eyes and Maya smiled at her kissing her forehead gently before she pulled her in her arms bridal style walking into the bedroom laying Carina down on her side of the bed before getting into bed herself resting the blankets over them. Carina was watching her with tired eyes still shaking not being able to getting warm. Maya looked at her with worried eyes before removing their blanket again. Another shiver got over Carina.
„I am sorry I am sorry. Give me a second.“ Maya took Carinas blanket she brought from the living room before she quickly stood up again bringing some fluffy socks and putting them on Carinas ice cold feet gently. Then she got back into bed pulling first the fluffy blanket over them and then their normal blanket. Finally she laid down looking at Carina who had still tears streaming down her cheeks.
„What can I do my love?“ A single tear was coming from Mayas eyes.
Carina reached out her hand fiddling into Mayas shirt pulling gently.
„Can I hold you I didn’t know if it will be too soft?“
Carina nodded as more tears came streaming from her eyes and Maya didn’t wait a second pulling Carina into her arms who instantly rested her head in the crook of Mayas neck holding onto her for dear life.
„I love you I love you so much my love.“ Maya said gently stroking Carinas back.
Carina nuzzled her nose against Mayas neck and Maya knew she couldn’t find her voice right now.
„Ssssh it’s okay. I am not going anywhere baby.“
Both of them fell asleep holding onto each other.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Maya woke up to the sun shining on her face. It took a second before the events of last night came back to her and she automatically hold Carina a little closer. They were still lying in the same position and Maya gently stroked Carinas back. Silent tears were streaming down her cheeks and she hold her girl even tighter knowing that she could have lost her. She took a deep centering breath before trying to just concentrate on the feeling of her girl in her arms.
After some time she felt Carina waking up cuddling even more into her.
„Grazie mille bambina. I love you too so much ti amo bella.“
„Per sempre.“ Maya whispered „You don’t have to thank me baby I am glad I found you. You got me worried love.“
„I am sorry.“ Carina whipered.
„No baby.“ Maya pulled back trying to catch Carinas eyes laying on their sides but Carina looked everywhere but into Mayas eyes. Maya took Carinas hands holding onto them.
„Hey don’t do that don’t hide per favore.“ She nuzzled her nose against Carinas and her favorite chocolate brown eyes looked back at her. Maya saw the tears gathering in Carinas eyes.
„You want to talk about it? Was it a nightmare?“
„It was more like a flashback. And then there were more of them.“ Carina said with a broken voice looking down.
Maya only could imagine of what her girl was speaking about and her heart broke. She looked down guilt washing over her before she took a deep breath resting her forehead against Carinas.
„We can’t do that my love if we do that and hide that it will always be between us.“
Carina looked at Maya and saw nothing but love and honesty, before she took a deep breath.
„You are right. But I am scared.“
„Same.“ They looked at each other smiling shyly.
„Can we stay like that can you please don’t let me go?“ Carina whispered.
„Of course.“
„I can’t forget the look on your face. I can’t forget what you said. I can’t forget your screams.“ Carina said with a broken voice never loosing Mayas eyes sawing the hurt the shame the guilt but at the same time the immense amount of love in them.
„I wish I could delete this moment I wish I never hurt you like that but I can’t. The only thing I can say is that you saved my life baby and without you I wouldn’t be here right now I wouldn’t have started therapy I wouldn’t have find my home again.“ Maya said tears streaming down her eyes. Carina let go of her hand brushing the tears away. „Carina what I said about Andrew. I I I wanted to hurt you I wanted you to stop stopping me I needed you to stop and I did I hurt you so bad and I am so sorry you had to do this that you had to go through that. I am sorry I needed to win I am sorry I needed the feeling to win to be loveable.“ Maya said a sob breaking out of her. „I I I am so sorry.“
Maya thought Carina would let go of her but she didn’t she stayed. She rested her head against Mayas.
„I forgive you.“ Carina whispered kissing Mayas forehead.
Maya couldn’t look at Carina she tried to open her mouth tried to say what was on her lips but at the same time she tried to stop but….
„Tell me bella.“ Carina whispered. „Per favore tell me what is going on in your head.“
Maya took a deep breath looking at Carina seeing nothing but love.
„Everything in me screams that I don’t deserve that I don’t deserve your forgivness because I hurt you so bad I was so horrible. I don’t deserve you but but but there but…“
Mayas breathing quickened and Carina nudged her nose.
„Hey hey bambina stay right here ssssh breath.“
„No eyes forward“ Maya whispered.
„Esatto bella eyes only on me.“
„I I I know I.“
„Sssshh bella breath. I am right here I am not going anywhere.“
They looked into each others eyes before Mayas breathing evened out.
„I know now why. Diane helped me figuring out why I am like this why I did this to you and I know there is nothing that could justify this that could justify me treating you like that could justify me blaming you for not loving me and I don’t want you to think that I am finding excuses. Can I maybe tell you about my first therapy session with Diane?“
„Of course bambina.“
„She she told me to draw a timeline until my olympic win from the the first moment I wanted to win. The first moment was my cousins track meet when I saw her losing and the look on my fathers face when I was three. Telling her that my ankle suddenly hurt so bad and I wanted to get some ice but she stopped me and I I was hurting so much it was hurting so much and the sentence that was there in my head the whole time was „I don’t want to lose.“ I broke down crying in this moment and I felt so mortified breaking down in front of Diane and then she asked me how my ankle feels and it was so much better. She had helped me onto the couch I was so shaky. I didn’t understand why this pain went nearly away and she told me that sometimes that physical pain when it’s build like that that it is attached to a part of you that needs attention. I didn’t understand and Diane said that it was probably the three year old part of me and and and…“
„Hey ssssh breath we have all the time I promise you.“
Maya looked into Carinas eyes and it was like she gave her the stregth to continue.
„I told her more about the track meet and the way dad was so ashamed of my cousin if she loses that he hated her and that he loved her when she won that he cheered for her and in this moment I reaised that I made the decision to never lose. She made me realize that for a three year old the love of their parents is everything. She showed me how three year old Maya made the decision to never lose to always win because then she is loveable than her father loves her than she is worthy. She told me that if three year old Maya is worthy of the love of her father than she stays alive. She showed me that ever since the demotion that I was losing I was losing over and over again and that three year old Maya fought for my attention she fought for me to see that I had to win she fought like hell she screamed she didn’t let me sleep she couldn’t stop running because she was fighting to stay alive. I pushed everyone away because she pushed everyone away who told her to stop because she couldn’t stop because when she stopped then she was not worthy of love than she was not loveable. So she pushed everyone away. And that was the moment I realized what I had done to you how much I had hurt you and and and I missed you so much and I hurt you so much but I loved I really love you I love you so much and I asked her what can I do and then she then she ….“
Carina gently took Mayas face in her hands.
„Breath my love take a second and breath.“
They were just looking at each other before Maya continued:
„She told me that she was in awe of three year old Maya. It was like she was smiling in me Carina.“ Maya whispered.
Carina smiled at her girl with tears streaming down her cheeks.
„She told me that she saw everything that she was so smart so observant seeing exactly what she had to do to stay alive. She said that I needed to tell three year old Maya that she can rest now that I got her that she is allowed to rest that she isn’t living with dad anymore that she is safe with me that she is loveable no matter of win or lose. She wanted for me to try that and I was so embarressed. She aksed me if I want to stop but I wanted to try I needed to try for me for her for you for us. And Diane told me that three year old me is worthy of risking a little bit of embarressment for me to care for her to love her. And then she.“ Maya closed her eyes taking a deep breath looking at the love of her live when tears sprang into her eyes. „She told me if I could picture her if I could see three year old Maya.“ Maya smiled through her tears „I saw her Carina I really saw her and she was so beautiful I told her that I love her that she is loveable no matter what that she is loveable even when she loses and I saw she doesn’t believe me but I told her over and over again just holding her and now it’s like I can feel her she is right here (Maya brushed her hand over her heart) and she deserves love she deserves my love she deserves love. I asked Diane if I could call you if I could tell you how sorry I am and she said yes but that I should try to work on myself first try to rest first and I told her „But I love her“ and she just looked at me and I realized I had to see if I can love myself first and since then I work on that because Carina I love her.“ Her words broke at the end and all the emotions streaming over her and in a matter of seconds she was crying shaking with sobs. „I love her.“
„Hey bambina come here.“ Carina pulled Maya into her arms holding her close when Maya hold onto her for dear life crying for herself crying for their love crying for the little three year old girl inside of her.
„I I I love her I really love her but it is so hard to not forget her.“ Maya whispered.
„Oh my love“ Carina said holding Maya even closer.
„And I feel like I don’t deserve you that I don’t deserve your love that I will never deserve your forgivness but maybe a part me deserves it?" Maya whispered sounding so insecure sounding like the three year old girl inside of her.
„You do my love you do.“ She tilted Mayas head up so she can look at her. „You do.“
Maya looked at her seeing love seeing honesty in Carinas eyes. She closed her eyes resting her forehead against Carinas.
„I am so proud of you bambina. Maya I am so proud of you. I am so proud of you and I so proud of her.“
Maya cuddled into her chest. „Thank you.“ She whispered.
„Carina?“
„Si.“
„Grazie mille for showing me love thank you for loving me so that I can show her so that I can love her.“
Carina couldn’t find any words. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. Maya looked up cupping her cheek.
„Per sempre bambina.“ She smiled at her girl „And Maya?“
„Yes.“
„Grazie mille for showing me too grazie mille for loving me and fighting for this love.“
They looked at each other smiling before kissing full of love.
„My love?“
„Will you tell me about what happened this night? Do you want to?“
Carina looked down suddenly a wave of vulnaribility a wave of insecurity washing over her.
„Hey you don’t have to but I want you to know that you can I am right here to catch you if you need me too.“
Carina looked up seeing all the love in Mayas eyes.
„Don’t let go please.“ She pleaded.
Maya hold her even tighter.
„Never my love.“
„I heard you screaming in my dreams I saw you looking at me with this disappointment and and then I woke up I suddenly had this wave of flashbacks. I I I.“
„Sssh keep going baby I am staying right here holding you I promise tell me what was in your head tell me about all your feelings if you want to.“
„When I left you in the hospital room I was leaning against the wall outisde I heard you screaming. I tried to cover my ears because I couldn’t hear the hurt in your voice anymore. I wanted to turn back around so much but I coudn’t I couldn’t I couldn’t…“
Carinas breathing got erratic and she whimpered when Maya pulled back.
„Hey my love ssshhh please you have to breath take a deep breath.“
Carina looked at Maya with wide eyes and Maya rested a hand on Carinas chest.
„Look at me baby and breath.“ Maya took deep breaths looking into Carinas eyes relieved when she felt her breathing calming down.
„I am sorry I did this to you I am so sorry baby.“
Carina tried to shake her heads but Maya nudged her nose.
„No baby I am sorry and I will be sorry for the rest of my life because you didn’t deserve that my love I am so sorry. I probably triggered you too.“
Carina tried to look down again but Maya shook her head nudging her nose.
„You can tell me baby you can tell me everything.“
„It brought me right back to my childhood to all the screaming of my father. I had a panic attack after you were sedated Teddy found me outside of the room but everything felt too soft. Because I had to keep it together.“ Carina stopped taking a deep breath and Maya kissed her forehead.
„You want to tell me about the little girl inside of you?“ Maya whispered and Carina nodded slowly.
„I was sitting in the shower last night because I had to keep it together because she had to keep it together she had to keep it together for Andrea telling him that everything was going to be okay clinging to her afraid to hear their father scream at their mamma she had to keep it together for her father because showing her emotions showing that she was breaking down was a sign of weakness was a sign of worthlessness because you always have to function she always needed to function she always had to keep it together to not be laughed at for everything which wasn’t enough for him.“ She whispered. „When you screamed at me in the hospital when you were so cold the last months when you looked at me like that everything in me screamed ,Please see me please see me please let me matter too please love me please don’t leave me too please love me.'" Carinas voice broke when she cried looking at Maya.
„Oh baby I am so sorry I am so sorry.“ She hold Carina didn’t know how much time went by Carina crying horribly in her arms.
Maya pulled back resting their foreheads together Carinas cupping her cheek stroking her hair gently before she brushed her tears away.
„I am sorry I didn’t saw you I am sorry this little girl had to go through that always hiding herself. I am so proud of you I am so proud of the little girl inside of you protecting herself and finding a way to live and grow. I am so proud of you finding your way back to your litte girl inside of you. I am proud of you for telling me all this. I promise you that I will try to see you I will try to never give you the feeling again that you don’t matter. You are loveable no matter what baby.“
Carina cried looking at her feeling like her heart may burst of the love for her girl.
„Grazie millisime bambina.“ She whispered and nudged her nose.
„No thank you my love thank you for everything.“
They kissed full of love, smiling at each other.
„Can I ask you something?“
„Of course Maya you can ask me anything.“
„When have you told the little girl inside of you of you the last time, when have you seen her how long ago?“
„Too long ago.“
„Do you…?“ Maya was insecure suddenly.
„Tell me bambina per favore“ she said kissing her nose making Maya smile shyly.
„Do you want to do it now. Do you want to tell her now?“
A fresh wave of tears were streaming down Carinas cheeks looking at Maya.
„You don’t have to I am sorry I just thought I…“ Before she could complete her stuttering Carina was kissing her.
„Si bella but…“
„But?“
„Will you do it with me. Can we do it together?“
„Of course my love.“
Maya closed her eyes and Carina took a deep breath doing the same holding onto Mayas hands.
Carina saw herself four years old a summer dress with sunflowers her wavy hair blowing in the sea wind. She was covering her ears trying to hold the tears back trying to keep it together. She crouched down gently taking her hands from her ears brushing her hair out of her face. She looked at her with wide eyes and Carinas took her in her arms holding her close standing with her on the beach in Italia their foreheads resting against each other.
„I love you. You are loveable no matter what. You are loveable even when you can’t keep it together even when you are vulnerable, when you have to let out your emotions, when you just want to be seen. You are loveable no matter what. I got you. You are safe with me. Ti amo.“ Carina told little Carina who is looking insecure and scared. „Ti amo tanto per sempre.“She told her.“ The little girl is resting her head in the crook of Carinas neck holding onto her tight. Carina was swaying with her, holding her close, trying to promise themselfes that she never let her go.
After some time she slowly opened her eyes looking at Maya. They both had tears streaming down her cheeks. They were smiling at each other when the scooted closer falling into each others arms holding onto each other.
„Will you dance with me bambina.“ Carina asked
„Right now?“
„Si.“
„In our pyjamas?“
„Si.“
„Ok lets go.“
Carina laughed when Maya pulled her with her from the bed aiming for the living room. Carina grasped her phone and opened her music folder.
Beautiful italian music sounding in their home.
Maya reached out her hand and Carina took it laughing when Maya circled her around before pulling her right in her arms.
„I love you sooooo much my love.“
„Ti amo bambina.“
They were smiling at each other dancing trough their home just living in this moment.
„We are loveable.“ Maya said.
„No matter what. Per sempre.“ Carina completed.
There they were finally back home promising themselves to never lose it again to never lose their love again.