Chapter Text
Klaus could not let even a second pass in silence. No, he had to open his mouth as soon as he did the van’s door.
"John agrees with me!" he declared. “Adeline thinks we’re full of shit, but she was outvoted in the end. So, there’s that.”
Did Klaus really expect him to remember the names of the reprobates in his support group? Five did not, and would not, spare them a thought beyond their purpose to Klaus. He certainly wouldn’t keep tabs on whatever petty squabbles they might have among themselves.
Klaus buckled into his seat, babbling all the while. "And, in fact, he sees it as a step in the right direction. And, and didn't you say something about incremental progress? Huh, Five?"
Five gave him a flat look. "The hell are you talking about?"
"Alcohol, my man! The good old fashioned, legal and ethical consumption of-"
"Klaus." Five kept his eyes on the road as he pulled into traffic, but he knew he had his brother's attention just from his silence. "If you go on a bender I swear to god I will disown you."
"What about drinking in moderation!" Klaus sputtered. "What about-"
"You wouldn't know moderation if it crawled up your ass and spawned in your stomach," Five growled. "You tell John the next time you see him that he can take his ideas with him to an early grave if he's so passionate about them."
By now Klaus had mastered the art of the put upon sigh. "You're an absolute delight, Five. Has anyone ever told you that? Just the sweetest- ow!"
Five glanced over. "I didn't hit you."
" Ben did! What the hell, man?!"
Five blinked, peering into the back of the van where he presumed Ben's ghost was. "He can hit you?'
Klaus shuddered. "It was more of a zap. He claims it was an accident, but- ow!"
Five smirked. "Good job, Ben."
"You're both so mean to me!” Klaus said. “He says the second one was on purpose, and I for one-"
“Shut up,” Five said. “You’re giving me a headache.”
Klaus did not shut up.
Five had found that, while wearing Vanya's clothes, it was easier to pretend he was a sixteen year old.
If that meant he and Klaus were pulled over less often, who was he to argue against the practicality of it?
But they were still pulled over occasionally. And when Five could not produce a learner's permit Klaus would inevitably take the wheel, under the watchful eye of the friendly men in blue.
"You're below the speed minimum, Klaus."
"There's a minimum?"
"Yes, you idiot!" An impatient young woman was tailgating them and honked indignantly at their progress. Or lack thereof. Five flipped her off. "Speed up already."
The woman finally had the bright idea to switch lanes.
"I'm surprised you even have a valid license," Five said. "When's the last time you drove, anyway? Without me, I mean."
Normally you couldn't get Klaus to shut up if you paid him, but Five had noticed a remarkable shift in his brother's disposition when he was behind the wheel.
Namely, Klaus said as little as he could get away with.
"Can I pull over now?" Klaus said. "I think we drove far enough."
Five was tempted to say no, despite his frustration with their snail's pace.
"One of these days," Five said. "We ought to go somewhere and practice."
"That's a yes, right?" Klaus said. "Shut up, Ben! I'm concentrating."
Five waited until they were safely parked to elaborate on his idea. "Klaus, you need to learn how to properly drive."
"Eh, I know enough," Klaus said. "Hey, how did you learn about traffic laws in the apocalypse anyway?"
Five closed his eyes for a moment, the way Vanya often did when she was calming herself.
"Yeah! Even if there were still cars around," Klaus continued. "There wouldn't have been pedestrians. You wouldn't need to use your turn signal, no one would tailgate you! And-"
"I drove in populated areas while working for the Commission," Five said. "Now shut up for a minute."
Closing his eyes, breathing, it was all useless. Five resigned himself to death by high blood pressure.
"Oh! Did you get to use those old timey cars?" Klaus said. "Like the oldest ones? I loved the style they had in the sixties, but I've seen some pictures of-"
"What do you have a license for in the first place," Five said. "If not to use it?"
"Well, I only got it so I could buy drinks and cigarettes," Klaus said. "Technically, I could already buy them. But it's a lot less of a hassle with-"
"You're learning to drive," Five said. "I'll find us a spot where-"
"But what about the ghosts ?" Klaus said. "Do you know how many people have died in car accidents?!"
"Oh," Five said, frowning. "That is a problem."
"No shit!" Klaus said. "Look, I still have my license because I don't use it. My excuse used to be that I didn't wanna drive under the influence, but…"
Klaus looked over Five's head at something. They were sitting in a gas station parking lot along a busy intersection, in full view of the highway.
"I can't drive," Klaus finished, lamely. "I just can't, okay?"
Five peered at the highway. All there was for him to see were the cars peaceably making their way through.
"Fair enough," Five said. "Get out of the driver's seat."
Klaus happily did as he was told, for once.
Klaus was like a dog. Five said so to anyone who cared to listen, but he didn't think they fully understood what he meant.
"Do you want to build a snowman?" Klaus trilled. He had given up on knocking. "Come on let's go and plaaay."
Five gave the door an incredulous look. Klaus couldn't see it, but he imagined Ben poking his head through, or something.
Perhaps shrugging apologetically.
"A snowman?" Five said. "It's July ."
Sometimes he wished he could just see Ben. They wouldn't need to talk to understand each other.
"We can build a figurative snowman," Klaus said. "Made of good vibes and brotherly bonding."
Or maybe it would be better to hear Ben and not see him, Five thought. If he had to choose between the two.
"True, but I get it," Klaus said. "I mean… I'd add it to the list, but Five banned musicals, remember?"
Technically, Klaus could manifest Ben in short bursts. Five had seen him do it at least twice. But if he were to ask Klaus to go through the trouble what would he say to Ben?
"It's not my fault ABBA's songs are so catchy!" Klaus whined.
Would Klaus be stuck in the room with them?
"Did he zap away?" Klaus said. "Well, just check . Please?"
Five rubbed at his forehead. Jumping into another room was tempting. But Klaus would track him down and act like they were playing hide and seek.
"I told you it's not spying, it's checking."
"Go bother Luther," Five said. "I'm busy."
"Oh. Nevermind," Klaus said. "But seriously Ben it's not like you've never- okay okay! Sheesh."
Reginald's notes on the healing serum were an incomprehensible series of finely crafted coding. The old man had been a paranoid bastard, but Five was starting to recognize a pattern.
Maybe if he weren't interrupted so often he'd have cracked it by now.
"Anyway, Luther's still on the phone with Allison," Klaus said. "He's been talking to her for hours ."
It irked Five that their father had considered his botched healing serum valuable enough to hide from prying eyes, but had not thought to do the same for his record of Vanya's vulnerabilities. Could the man have been any more brainless ?
"I swear, he acts like she's his girlfriend," Klaus said. "Like they're in this dramatic long distance-"
" Klaus ," Five said. "I will personally shove my hand down your throat and pull out your vocal cords if you do not learn to shut up when-"
"Fiiiiiive," Klaus whined. "Just come out for a second. Just a tiny little break, hmm?"
"I don't need a break!"
"Eat lunch with me," Klaus said. "You haven't had lunch yet, right?"
Oh. Not only had he not had lunch, but breakfast had entirely slipped his mind.
When Five opened the door, Klaus gasped. "He has graced us with his presence!"
"Shut up," Five said.
"Ow!" Klaus said. "Why are you always so violent ?"
"It's a positive punishment," Five said. "You'll learn to associate the pain with bad behavior."
He'd caught Klaus drinking whiskey.
"I am a delicate ," Klaus paused.
Five assumed he was listening to Ben, so he waited patiently.
"Nuh uh. I'm still a delicate flower child," Klaus continued, slapping his chest. "And therefore, defenseless!"
"Then stay out of the fucking liquor cabinet," Five said.
Having said his peace, Five warped out of the room.
He needed to get rid of all the drinks in the house. Remove the temptation altogether.
It was one of those tasks that seemed important, but was easy to forget. There was just so much to do .
"Dolores would have reminded me," Five muttered. "She knew how to keep me on task."
Not for the first time, Five felt embarrassed to be speaking out loud in an empty room.
He wondered if Dolores would think less of him if he paid her a visit. If she would laugh at him or, instead, be pleasantly surprised.
Why couldn't he just move on?
"Excuse me ? " Five growled.
"Well, it was kind of a busted mannequin right?" The employee in front of Five was shrinking under his gaze. "It only had one arm, and-"
"So where is she?"
"Um, in the dumpster?" The man glanced around nervously. "Hey, where are your parents?"
Five warped away without answering.
It took a few hours to find her. She’d already been sent to a landfill.
When he finally spotted her arm poking out of the muck Five was slapped in the face with the most vivid sense of déjá vu he had ever experienced.
I suppose this is the part, Dolores said. Where you say, ‘Oh my! We have got to stop meeting like this.’
Five chuckled. “I would never insult you with a paltry line like that.”
You’ve never had a sense for romance , she said. It’s meant to be frivolous, dear.
“Not for us,” Five said, brushing the dirt off her face. “We’re better than that.”
Speak for yourself, Dolores said. I, for one, would love to be carried away on a… what are they using these days? Horses?
Five sat back and crossed his arms together, pretending to scowl at her. “The wagon wasn’t good enough for you, then?”
We can do better , she said. Nowadays, the world has so many options.
He looked at the skyline over their heads. At the moon, which was plainly visible in the daylight.
“You’re right,” Five said. “But you’ll have to settle for the family van. I’m not going out of my way to get you a horse.”
Still better than a wagon , Dolores said, sounding quite pleased.
“Fiiive, where’d you go?” Klaus materialized in the entryway, like a puppy waiting for its owner. “You were gone for so- oh!”
He’d spotted Dolores.
Oh no , Dolores said. I wish I looked more presentable.
“You look fine.” Five cleared his throat. “Klaus, you remember Dolores don’t you? Dolores, my brother Klaus.”
Five, I don’t think-
“Enchanté, Dolores,” Klaus said, bowing dramatically. “You look like you’ve seen better days.”
Well, this is mortifying, Dolores said. I need a bath. And a decent shirt-
“There was a bit of an… ordeal at her store,” Five said. Then, to Dolores, “I can lend you something of mine for now.”
Klaus clapped. “She needs a makeover! Oh, oh , I should lend her something, my clothes are way better.”
Dolores took note of the puffy sleeved shirt Klaus was wearing and seemed to agree. I’d love to see his closet.
“You might lose whatever you lend her,” Five said, glancing between the two. “If she likes it enough she won’t want to give it back.”
“Oh, pish posh,” Klaus said. “I do the same thing to Allison, I can survive a taste of my own medicine.”
Five did not know what to say to that.
You’re meant to say ‘thank you,’ dear.
“Why did you have these wigs in the first place?” Five said.
Dolores was sporting a modest brunette bob, her preference over the garish bubble gum pink and electric green options.
“As if it’s weird for a pan cis man to own a couple wigs?” Klaus said.
I don’t think it’s weird , Dolores said.
Five rubbed his chin. “But I’ve never seen you… wear one.”
Granted, he’d missed seventeen years of Klaus’s life.
“Oh, I had a bit of a drag phase.” Klaus pinched Five’s cheek, jumping back when Five attempted to bite him. “Don’t worry your pretty little head over it! That was a long time ago.”
“A drag phase,” Five echoed. “Wait, what do you mean a pan cis man?”
“Pansexual,” Klaus said. “Cisgender.”
New words, Five thought. He’d have to look them up.
Tell him I said thank you , Dolores said.
“Well, I’m glad you kept them,” Five said. “You look nice, Dolores.”
Five, Dolores admonished.
“Tres bien!” Klaus held his hand out. “High five for the stylist?”
Five , Dolores repeated. Exasperated.
Five sighed. “Thank you, Klaus.”
Klaus’s hand was still held up, waiting for his high five. Klaus stared at it, then looked at Five.
“Not a high five,” Klaus said, lowering his arm. “But… oh my gosh… I think that’s the first time you’ve ever thanked me.”
“Shut up.”
“This is a historic moment!”
Klaus hugged him and Five tolerated the contact for twenty seconds before warping out of his hold.
“See, Dolores?” Five gritted out. “Look what you’ve done!”
She sat lounging in Klaus’s bed in her new blouse and wig, acting as if the pillow was actually a front row seat at Carnegie Hall.
Klaus lunged for him and Five warped again.
“Let me love you !”
"Ben says you keep forgetting to eat breakfast," Klaus called through the door. "And he also says you've been up since 5 a.m., which he knows for a fact cause he's a shameless spy who watches you- ow!"
"We're watching another movie," Klaus said. "Mom picked this one out, she says it's supposed to be super boring and artistic, so you have to come and watch it!"
"Did you call Allison back yet?" Klaus said. "She thinks you hate her. Seriously, you need to call her back. Andale, rápido! ASAP, for real. Or she'll cry. "
"Okay, so I know we agreed that Wednesdays are off limits," Klaus said. "But hear me out!"
"Five, Five, Five listen to this!" Klaus said. "Diego's in jai! You'll never guess what he did. C'mon, try and guess."
"Oh my gosh, Five ," Klaus said. "I was visiting an old fuck buddy of mine and it turns out I left a shit ton of clothes at his place when I was, like, seventeen? And you need to come out here right now and try these clothes on because they'll fit you perfectly and also look way better than Vanya's clothes!"
"Fiiiiiive!" Klaus said. "Come out! Just for five minutes! Honor thy name!"
"Hey are the bro dates negotiable?" Klaus said. "Usually Saturday's the best day for stuff, but there's this bar downtown- which I will not be drinking at- but they have an open mike night on Fridays and-"
Five didn't understand why his siblings still flinched when he jumped in front of them. They knew about his spatial jumps. They saw him use them all the time.
And yet.
"Jesus fucked a cracker!" Klaus said.
Five rolled his eyes. "Friday is a training day."
"I know, but I already talked to Vanya and she said she can switch with me this week."
Five considered him. "I don't trust you in a bar."
"But you'll be with me the whole time," Klaus said. "And, and it's one of those wholesome bars that puts an X on your hand if you're a minor- or if you look like a minor, in your case- and if you want I'll put an X on my hand before we go?"
"Hmm."
"Ben says he'll zap me if I misbehave," Klaus said. "And, what?! I am not doing that."
"I think you will tell me what Ben said." Five examined his nails, making a big show of his nonchalance. "Or I'll call Vanya and say she can't switch her training day with your bro date."
Klaus facepalmed. "You made it worse!"
Five hummed. "Well?"
Klaus glared at the air between them.
Reluctantly, Klaus said, "Ben so helpfully suggested that I change my intro."
"I'm sorry," Five said. "Your what?"
"For open mike night," Klaus said. "I wrote this whole, like… Ben what's it called? It's not a speech. Is it a bit?"
As far as Five knew 'open mike night' had something to do with karaoke.
Klaus snapped his fingers. "An act! I wrote an act."
"What, like a play?"
"No, it's jokes," Klaus said. " Oh . Stand up! That's what it's really called, Ben, you got it wrong. It was on the tip of my tongue."
"So you're going to get in front of a room full of drunken idiots," Five said. "And tell jokes ?"
"Exactly." Klaus looked rather pleased by the prospect.
"Why?"
" Because , Five." Klaus grinned and puffed out his chest, hands on his hips and chin in the air. "It's my calling."
"Uh huh," Five said. "And why are you involving me, exactly?"
"Huh?"
"It seems like a solitary endeavor," Five said. "I'm not very well going to be playing a role in your act now am I?"
Klaus huffed. "But I want you in the audience!"
Five opened his mouth with a retort, but Klaus plowed on.
"Diego and Vanya already made time," Klaus said. "And Luther said he'll put Allison on video chat so she can watch from California."
Five scratched the back of his neck. "Then it's a family outing, I suppose."
Klaus perked up. "Does that mean you're going?"
"I don't think I have a choice," Five sighed.
"Woo!" Klaus said. “You won’t regret this!”
"Hey. Hi. Hello," Klaus said. "I'm Klaus. And I'm an addict."
There were a few chuckles at that, but mostly a puzzled silence.
"I only bring it up cause we're in a bar," Klaus said. "And my adorable baby brother doesn't trust me in bars."
More laughter this time. Plus an audible 'Aw!'
"He's in the audience tonight, watching me like a hawk." Klaus pointed towards Five. "He's the minor in the back, dressed like a lesbian and scowling like an angry Chihuahua."
Five had read Klaus's act ahead of time, but he still glowered in response to that line.
"Anyway, he trusts me as far as he can throw me," Klaus said. "So I had to do a few things to assure him that I would be on my best behavior tonight."
Klaus displayed the back of his hands toward the crowd. "Does anyone here believe for a second that I am below the age of twenty one?"
He paused for an answer. No one answered, so Luther shouted, "Uh, I don't believe it!"
Klaus pointed at him. "Fuck you, sir!"
Startled laughter.
"But seriously, isn't this a great idea?" Klaus examined his hands. "The bartender already knows not to sell a drink to the kids with an X."
"But what about an alcoholic who really really wanted to come tonight?" Klaus tapped his chin. "You know, just for the wholesome delight of watching me stand up here and disgrace my family."
"Well fear no more alcoholics! You, too, can join us in this fine establishment and if your will is weak, the marker is permanent."
"Anyway, if even a drop of alcohol- or any other intoxicant!- makes it to my bloodstream you will all be considered accomplices," Klaus said. "Which doesn't sound too intimidating, but also consider this: My brother will murder you. Literally, he'll kill you all."
This got the loudest laugh of the night.
"Look at him back there. He's glaring at us!" Klaus said. "That is the face of a man-boy with no remorse. A homicidal maniac just waiting for us to let our guards down. But don't worry, I'm staying sober tonight. For your safety."
"I'd like to emphasize the fact that narcotics anonymous has one goal and one goal only," Klaus said. "Which is to get us off the hard stuff. Or, at least, the illegal hard stuff. Let me tell you, some of the shit that's legal in this country is crazy hard. Like, someone spiked my drink with Viagra levels of hard. All you have to do is cry in front of the right doctor."
"And while it's true that I've never worked a day in my life," Klaus said. "That doesn't mean I haven't, you know, worked. It's just, I wasn't getting paid in money , if you catch my drift."
"Before I go I just want to dedicate this thing to my brother Five," Klaus said. "Is that something I can do?"
"Yeah you can!" A woman in the front row said.
"Thank you, random patron," Klaus said. "For giving me your blessing. Hey Five, could you stand up for a second?"
This wasn't in the script.
"Just for a second!" Klaus said.
Vanya elbowed him. Five stood and shoved his hands in his pockets, shifting uncomfortably as the audience gawked at him.
They'd been rubbernecking him all night, but not all at once.
And he felt exposed, standing like this. He was tempted to warp out of the bar.
"I know I say this a lot," Klaus said. "But I feel like you don't really take me seriously because I make it sound like a joke. Or I'm drunk. Or both."
The crowd was oddly subdued now. Someone giggled and was hushed.
"But I love you," Klaus said. "I really do. And I appreciate what you've been doing for me."
Five tactfully kept his eyes on the ceiling.
Klaus turned to the audience. "Folks he's been personally driving me to my NA meetings!"
A few of the patrons cheered.
"Afterwards we do something fun together," Klaus said. "Whatever I want, can you believe that?"
More cheers. Someone clapped for a second, but quickly got embarrassed and stopped.
Five wanted to sit back down.
"Anyway," Klaus said. "I want to do something for you too, Five. But I'm kind of useless."
There was an awkward pause and Klaus cleared his throat.