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A pensive look crossed Tim’s face. He had been debating for weeks whether he should tell Jay or not. His entire childhood was one big nightmare. He still had traumatic episodes every now and then. Some in the form of dreams, some in the form of blackouts… It wasn't as bad as it used to be. At most, he would go missing for just a couple days. He was able to play it off as if he was just really busy.
Every time he got back home from one of the episodes or blackouts, he would just lay down for a while, trying to deal with his massive headache. There were times he would come back really sore, bruised, exhausted, or even covered in cuts. He hated it. Jay was always worried about him when these things would happen. Tim always played it off like it was no big deal. He couldn't tell Jay about that part of his life.
What if Jay looked at him differently? What if Jay was weirded out? What if Jay wouldn't trust him after that?
What if… He didn't love him after that?
Tim couldn't handle that. He couldn't tell Jay no matter how much he wanted to… But it was getting harder and harder to keep the secret from him.
Just like every other weekend, Tim headed to Jay’s house. Tim had been gone for the last week. It was a record high in the last couple years. He had gotten fired from his job a couple weeks ago, so he didn't really have a good excuse. Despite that, Jay would see the bruising and scratches that marked him all over.
When he arrived, he hesitantly opened his car door and got out. Tim was exhausted. He barely slept the night before… But he wanted Jay to know he was okay. He slowly walked to the porch and knocked on the front door.
Jay opened the door. He was on the phone with someone. He saw Tim and his eyes widened. Jay hastily hung up with whoever he was calling and basically jumped at Tim. He hugged him, tight. “Where the hell have you been?” Jay asked, gripping his shirt.
“I… I don't… I was…” Tim didn't have an excuse. He was worried about this. “Jay… I just wanted to see you.”
“You haven't been answering any of my calls or texts… I went to your house and you weren't there. I asked Brian- Tim what happened?!” Jay rambled. It was clear that he had been really worried. “You can't keep doing this! You leave for days on end. I never hear from you until you're back. And when you are, you're exhausted, you're covered in scratches and bruises… Tim, I'm so worried all the time.”
Tim watched him. A guilty look plastered on his face. He couldn't keep doing this. He couldn't keep everything from Jay anymore. “Can I come in?” Tim asked. He looked like a sad puppy. His eyes glistened with a sort of sadness Jay had never seen from him before. Jay immediately grabbed his hand and led him inside.
“Let's go to my room. The living room is a bit of a mess. Alex was over yesterday and… Things got out of hand,” Jay admitted. Tim glanced over at the living room. Two pizza boxes laid on the coffee table. A couple of cans, mugs, and solo cups were next to the pizza boxes. Papers scattered the floor and couch. There was one little space on the couch that was empty. Tim assumed Jay made a little spot for himself.
“Did you two get in a fight?” Tim asked, a little worried. “No. Not a fight. I just-...” Jay paused. “It's nothing to worry about, Tim,” he led Tim to his bedroom. Jay hastily sat at his desk chair. Tim flopped down on the bed. He laid back, rolling onto his side to face Jay. Neither of them looked at each other for a while.
Jay recounted the events of the day before. Alex was over. He knew Alex was worried about him. Jay had become more and more distressed throughout the week. He knew that Tim wasn't answering anything. So… Alex wanted to be there for Jay. Being his best friend, he knew Jay liked distractions. So he offered to come over and help with script writing.
Naturally, Jay had agreed. They ended up hanging out and playing video games for a couple hours. They talked about different shows they were watching. They ordered pizza. They still did some of the script… And then Jay broke. He was humiliated by the way he had sobbed in front of Alex. The way everything had spilled out of him. How worried he was. How scared he was. His anxiety yelling at him about how Tim might never come back. He was ashamed of himself. He broke down and just… Told Alex everything.
His thoughts were pulled from him as he spoke. Jay didn't realize he was speaking until he saw Tim’s face. “Where were you?” Jay asked. Tim looked guilty. He looked ashamed .
“Look, Jay. This is hard for me to tell you.”
Jay felt nervousness well up inside him. That wasn't a good start. His mind raced with every little possibility. He began to overthink.
“I'm running out of excuses. I mean… You know nothing about me. I know everything about you… And you… Jay, do you have even the slightest idea how my childhood was?” Tim rambled. The direction of the conversation was unpredictable. Tim was unpredictable.
Hesitantly shaking his head, Jay mumbled a short “no.” Tim took a deep breath. “I don't… Like telling people about it.”
Suddenly, Tim looked Jay in the eyes. Jay usually didn't like any sort of eye contact, but he somehow knew this was important to Tim. And he knew Tim. And he loved Tim. “I need you to promise me something,” he spoke. His hands shook.
“Uh… Yeah,” Jay said, unsure. “Please, Jay… I don't want you to look at me any different after this. I want you to still be able to talk to me. I don't want you to act any differently around me after this… Okay?”
Jay slowly nodded. He was getting more and more nervous. He felt like he needed to hold Tim in an embrace. He hated to see him so anxious. He wanted Tim to feel safe. “Hey, can I sit next to you? Would that help?” Jay asked. He wanted to be as supportive as he could. Tim was clearly anxious about this. He looked bothered. Really bothered.
As Tim nodded a short yes, Jay got up from his chair and went to go sit on the bed with him. Tim sat up. The pair sat against the headboard, their shoulders pressed together. Jay offered his hand to Tim, which was taken. “I love you, Tim. Nothing can change the way I think about you. Nothing can even change the way I talk to you.”
Tim only smiled for a moment. The sad smile disappeared as quickly as it had formed. “I'm sorry I keep leaving for days on end. I can't exactly… Help it,” Tim didn't make eye contact with Jay. “That's okay. We can talk it out if there's something wrong. Or if I do something-” Jay wanted to help. Tim cut him off and spoke again. “Jay, that's not what I mean. It's not you at all. I can't even last a day without talking to you,” as he spoke, tears sprung to his eyes. He let out a short chuckle. It wasn't convincing. It wasn't even happy. It was just sort of… Pathetic.
Tim took a deep breath. “Right… This is really important. If I had the option, I just… Wouldn't tell anyone this ever. But… You're important, and you deserve to know. Some of this indirectly affects you. So I want to tell you.”
“Take your time. Don't rush through it. Whatever you need to tell me, you'll tell me,” Jay comforted. He began to understand that this was something deep. This… Wasn't just some confession. It was a part of Tim.
Jay knew that this would be important. So he wanted to listen. He gently squeezed Tim’s hand. Tim glanced down at him. Jay tilted his head to the side. Tim hesitated for a long time.
“Jay… When I was a kid, I was admitted to a hospital. My mom couldn't handle my behavior and my dad was long gone. I had… Episodes of violent rage, paranoia, and really bad panic attacks,” Tim paused. He didn't dare look at Jay. But Jay listened. He watched Tim, a worried look on his face. This was clearly something Tim didn't like sharing, so he wanted to be respectful.
“I would have these… Seizures. They would usually start a string of hallucinations, violent anger fits, and I would just… Not be myself. The thing is… I barely ever remembered any of them. The hallucinations were always there, that wasn't rare,” Tim paused. He winced as he thought about everything. His grip on Jay’s hand tightened. Jay gently put his free hand on Tim’s arm, trying to make him feel safe.
“There were times when I would escape the hospital. I would run off and just… Hide. I would go to Rosswood Park, past Rosswood, even sometimes many miles away,” his voice began to shake. “Whenever anyone would find me… Anywhere between hours and weeks had passed. They would lecture me, lock me in my room, punish me… I would always say I was running from my hallucinations,” Tim paused again. He took a deep breath. He closed his eyes for a moment, grounding himself.
Jay gently spoke up. “What would you do when you ran away?” He asked. “That's the thing… I don't remember. I never remembered. I would come back, and I would be a complete mess. I would be covered in dirt, blood, sometimes, and bruises. I was never able to give an explanation.”
Looking down at their hands, Jay thought for a moment. “So… What was… Wrong?” He asked. “Nobody knew. Doctors ran all sorts of tests. They gave me all sorts of medication. It still changes every other year. They eventually landed on schizophrenia, but even they weren't sure about that… My meds prevent this sort of… Blackout state. They help with seizures and hallucinations as well, but it's mostly to keep me… Aware.”
Jay listened. “That filming location up where Alex wants to film the school scene…” Tim started. “That's the hospital I stayed in. I basically grew up there. I didn't know what was wrong with me for the longest time.”
“So when you disappear for days…” Jay trailed off. He didn't want to say it. “I don't know who I am, where I am, or what I'm doing. And I never remember what happens. I just wake up in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes I'm in the back of my car, sometimes I'm in the middle of the woods… And I either have to drive or walk miles to get back home.”
They sat in silence for a moment. “I still hallucinate… I still have seizures. There are times where I just… Don't think. It feels like I'm not the one thinking my own thoughts,” Tim finally broke. He blinked back tears, but they eventually fell. He got choked up on his words. He pulled his hand away from Jay’s, hiding his face. He didn't like Jay seeing him weak like that.
Jay pulled him into a hug. “It's okay, hummingbird. I'm glad you told me,” he spoke in a soft tone. He didn't want to sound upset… Because he wasn't. And he often comes off as mad or angry when he speaks normally. “That's it… No more secrets.”
That wasn't the first time Jay heard that. But he knew Tim meant it. “No more secrets. You can tell me anything, and I can tell you anything,” Jay agreed.
“I love you, Tim. That doesn't change the way I feel about you. Now I just know that I shouldn't worry as much when you disappear like that,” Jay ran his hand through Tim’s hair. Tim leaned into his touch. He turned and just rested his head on Jay’s shoulder. Tears still fell from his eyes. His sobs were silent, but they were clearly there. Jay held him close. “Why don't you stay here tonight? We can just hang out. I won't bring this up again if you don't want me to.”
Tim nodded. “Jay… I'm just… I'm scared. I still have hallucinations. Sometimes I have hallucinations of you. I don't know what to do. I just… I see you covered in blood, a gunshot wound in your stomach… I hate it so much.”
“Hey, hey. I'm here. I'm very much here. I didn't get shot. I'm safe. I'm right here, hummingbird. Here, look,” Jay grabbed Tim’s hand and guided it to his stomach. “No bullet. No blood. I'm safe, and I'll never leave your side.”
“Bluejay?” Tim started. Jay hummed, turning towards him. “Thank you for being here. You're not… Freaked out by me or anything, right?” Jay let a hand drift to Tim’s cheek. “I may be a little worried sometimes, but I'm not freaked out. I love every part of you. If you have a few problems, then that's what makes you you. And I would do nothing to change that.”
Tim pulled Jay into a tight hug. He gripped his shirt. “I love you… So much,” Tim mumbled. “I love you too, hummingbird.”