Chapter Text
Buck felt like shit. But he felt bad that he felt like shit because it was his fault anyway. He just wanted his lawyer to get the full picture, but he never meant to air out all their dirty laundry. Buck kept on replaying their faces in his head, especially Eddie’s. The look of anger and pure hatred on his face as he stared a hole into Buck’s head. And the cherry on top was the elevator closing right in his face. He felt his heart sink into the floor with the elevator.
But he’s exhausting, right? That’s what Eddie said. I’m exhausting and selfish and it’s all my fault. He thought he lost them forever. The family he made was gone. Until Bobby let him back into the 118. He was excited to go back to work and try to patch things up.
He had his hopes up high and in the back of his mind, he was hoping for a big welcome back. It was all he could think about during his recovery. Laying in the hospital bed, doing physical therapy, and completing the fitness test. He thought about the banner and the cake and the “watch out for the ladder truck!” jokes. He got none of that. He should have expected this really, He pissed everyone off of course they wouldn’t welcome him with open arms. I should just suck it up. But still he longed for the firefighter welcome back.
He walked into the locker room and Hen followed shortly after with a cupcake. Buck tried to smile but still felt a weight on his chest.
“Thank you, but you didn’t have to do that, I don’t really deserve it” Buck sighed and shut his locker.
“That bad huh?” Hen sat down on the locker room bench. Buck nodded and sat down next to her. “It’s gonna be a rough start but they’ll come around.”
“Yeah” Buck ran his hand through his hair. “Why aren’t you mad at me? I was kind of an asshole” Buck joked.
“Yeah, you were.”
“Ouch” Buck mocked offense.
“But I understand what you were trying to do, and you could use at least one friend here” Buck nodded and took the cupcake that Hen was holding out. He could do this. He will be a part of the team again.
With renewed energy Buck bound up the stairs and greeted the team. He was met with silence and a pity smile from Hen.
“Anybody want coffee?” Buck offered as he walked towards the kitchen.
“We already had some” Chimney stated.
“Oh ok” As Buck tried to recover the bell rang and he rushed to the stairs. A call will be perfect he will show them what a great addition he is.
“No, you’re staying back Buck”
“What? But I’m ready, I’m cleared for duty” Buck was in disbelief.
“I’m the captain and I say no” Buck was left standing alone in the kitchen while his hope once again started to fade.
~~~
Buck knew he had to fix things with Eddie. He was his best friend after all. His attractive best friend. His extremely attractive best friend, who he was definitely not attracted to. Buck knew he was bi throughout high school but had a high school girlfriend and was convinced he could choose to be straight for the rest of his life. In college, he unlearned his parent’s teachings and dated a few guys here and there and had some flings in his travels. He didn’t tell the 118 because he didn’t know how. It doesn’t seem like a big deal he knew they would accept him so if he got a boyfriend, he would tell them and if they assumed he was straight that’s on them. So, he was bi but not attracted to Eddie. Probably not. Definitely, maybe for sure attracted to him.
Buck was so close to telling Eddie. Ever since he saw him in the locker room he was hooked. After his accident, he wanted to tell Eddie during one of their talks, but he chickened out. Eddie is straight so obviously, nothing could happen so why should he come out.
He wanted his best friend back and he knew Eddie was the most pissed off so he started there.
“Hey Eddie, can we talk”
“I dunno can we?” Eddie continued to wipe down the side of the firetruck and buck fidgeted with his hands.
“I’m sorry”
“Yeah, you said that already.”
“I was scared I was losing everything I just wanted my job back.”
“Well, you have it back.”
“I know and I’m grateful” Eddie scoffed. “But I don’t want you guys to hate me.”
“Oh, I get it” Eddie turned to face him. “This is about being liked.”
“No-“
“You just need everyone to love you? Grow up Buck you screwed up you can’t just undo the damage.”
“I know” Eddie started to walk away but Buck grabbed his shoulder.
“I want to fix things because I miss you” Buck's face heated up “I miss all of you, you’re my family you’re all I have.”
“Well, I guess you don’t have anything.” Eddie walked away and left Buck standing there as the alarms rang again.
Well, I guess you don’t have anything Eddie was kinda right? Who did he have? Hen but she has a whole family and if it came down to it she would choose Chimney and so would Maddie. Eddie obviously hates him, Bobby won’t let him go out on calls and Athena probably still thinks of him as a screw-up. He definitely didn’t have his parents. They were always distant and blatantly homophobic and he would rather drink sour milk than talk to them again.
So Buck sat in his apartment on the couch staring at a blank TV. He grabbed a beer and drank it. Then drank another and another until he was crying in the shower to Taylor swift.
The next morning, he felt awful he stayed in bed and hid from the sun. Luckily, he didn’t work the next day. He decided to take a shower before heading under the covers again. He wanted to stay there until everything was better. He remembered the last time he couldn’t get out of bed. It was after his accident, and he was close to ending it all. He thought he couldn’t be a firefighter anymore, so he spiraled. He felt lost and numb, and every day was a chore. Eventually, he wrote a note to everyone and one for Eddie. He stared at the pill bottle for hours and right as he was about to a text came through. It was a picture of Chris making cupcakes with icing all over his fingers and a big goofy grin.
Making get-well soon cupcakes for his favourite Buck!
That was the moment he broke. He sobbed more than he ever had at the thought of leaving Chris and Eddie. He got therapy and slowly he started to feel again, and it didn’t just magically go away but he felt some relief.
Here he was back in the same position, but no one was coming for him. He didn’t want to die; he didn’t think he did. He went to work and stayed at the firehouse cleaning and restocking. He listened to Bobby’s orders and waited patiently for the day he could go on a call. He apologized left and right to the team, but it didn’t make a difference.
It had weeks of this and Buck was tired. He called Maddie but she didn’t answer he left a message.
"Hey Mads, it's me. I just wanted to say- well you know what I wanna say but it doesn’t mean anything does it? I guess I fucked up my life forever. Eddie won’t take my calls so make sure Chris knows I didn’t abandon him ok? Bye Maddie love you."
Buck wasn’t going to kill himself, but he was going to leave. He traveled the world and constantly made new friends so he could do it again. He packed a small bag and went to the bank to withdraw a couple hundred.
He figured Athena could find him but why should she care? It would be better if he left.
He was in line at the bank when someone pulled out a gun and shot the floor.
“Shit.”