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Language:
English
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Published:
2023-03-23
Updated:
2023-04-30
Words:
808
Chapters:
2/?
Comments:
12
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86
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710

Here's how we can make DirkJohn happen in 2023.

Summary:

AKA the powerpoint AU

 

JOHN: shouldn't it be johndirk?
DIRK: We are not doing this in the summary.

 

*this is more an excuse to play with ao3 worskins than anything. lower your expectations accordingly

Chapter 1: ACT 1: Every good story should start with a kidnapping

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

FADE IN:

INT. DARK, NONDESCRIPT ROOM

A YOUNG MAN startles awake. He takes in his surroundings, although there is not much to take in. There are TWO CHAIRS and a PROJECTOR. He is sitting on one of them. The chairs, not the projector. Everything is rendered kinda shittily.

The projector turns on, which sheds light on a few things, as a projector tends to do. One of which is a projector screen and, next to it, more importantly, a man.

CUT TO:

A HAND, calloused and accustomed to wielding swords, is instead wielding a LASER POINTER. The pen is mightier, sure, but lasers can ruin eyes forever, which is a significant advantage in a SWORD FIGHT. Not that sword fighting is the goal here. Well. Not that kind, at least.

ZOOM OUT to reveal DIRK STRIDER. 

He’s in his best professor-like attire, which is a PINSTRIPE POLO with a small embroidered Rainbow Dash cutie mark on the pocket. Subtle. Classy.

He is wearing sandals.

The young man, who we now know is JOHN EGBERT, don’t ask me how, is in his usual cargo shirt and shorts, it bears mentioning. 

He is also wearing sandals.

John looks around confused and bewildered. He’s pretty sure the room is nowhere he recognizes. Did Dirk knock him out and drag him to an undisclosed location?

JOHN

what is going on???? is this a kidnapping?? am i kidnapped? what kind of mafia bullshit did you get yourself into now, strider???

DIRK

Ok, first of all, NOW? What kind of shifty son of a bitch do you take me for? Could you really see me pulling off some Sopranos shit on you? You wound me. 

Dirk has never watched The Sopranos.

DIRK

Second of all, wouldn’t you be tied up and stopped from leaving if you were kidnapped?

John takes this as his cue to get up and leave. 

DIRK

No don’t, sit back down.  

CUT TO TITLE SLIDE:

Why aren’t we dating already?

A presentation by Dirk Strider.

Image description: The slide is plain white, the text is in Arial, a not too serious but also not too silly font. He would have used Impact but it has been tarnished by years of 2011-era meme baggage. And monospace seemed too goddamn programmer-nerdy. Dammit. Maybe he should have gone with Courier New? Also, very subtle horse watermarks.

JOHN

(gagging noises) 

DIRK

Hold on one moment, please. Technical issues.

END OF ACT ONE.

Notes:

ive had this shit in progress since EUHHHH 2020 might as well post it so i can get that sweet, sweet kick in the nuts to finish

dedicated to my bestie in heaven!! im sure those times we tossed around nonstop crackfic aus for our rarepairs have prepared me for this exact moment #GaaHina4life

Chapter 2: ACT 2: MSPOWERPOINT ADVENTURES. DAMMIT THIS SHOULDVE BEEN THE TITLE FROM THE START.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

DIRK: There. How’s that?
JOHN: how’s what?
DIRK: See... feel anything different?
JOHN: i do kind of feel more substantial, i guess?
DIRK: Yes, perfect.
JOHN: i appreciate the subtle watermarks, by the way.
DIRK: I can’t exactly portray it in this style but I just nodded at you. 
JOHN: okay. i mean you can barely see it anyway because your microexpressions are basically equivalent to you hamming it up but alright.
JOHN: please continue, sensei.

> ==>

Dirk flips to the next slide and taps the screen with his knuckles then leans back, looking smug, as if that suddenly explains everything.

You are not impressed.

JOHN: You like ripped men in sexy bunny costumes, dirk. we are nothing alike.
JOHN: i have a very INNOCENT and WHOLESOME interest in bunnies.
JOHN: which should always be cute and not at all sexy.
DIRK: I will return to this point later.
JOHN: speaking of points, didn’t you have a laser pointer?
DIRK: Did I?
DIRK: Must have dropped it somewhere. DIRK: Anyway. Next slide.

> ==>

DIRK: Surely your interest in this anime wife-u ventures beyond the wholesome, John. Don't deny it.
JOHN: AGAIN, our tastes are nowhere even remotely within the vicinity of each other.
JOHN: aside from sailor moon, which is fun and very cool, yours all sound like esoteric bullshit.
DIRK: What kinda shows DO you watch then, if mine are so bullshit.
JOHN: just... whatever was on tv, i guess? dragon ball and sailor moons, oh and also most of the ghibli movies!
JOHN: those were neat.
DIRK: ...
JOHN: have you...
JOHN: have you never watched ghibli?
JOHN: oh man.
JOHN: what rock did you live under that you’ve never even HEARD of studio ghibli??
JOHN: spirited away? ponyo? howl’s moving castle????
DIRK: Listing more things won’t make me remember any better, John.
DIRK: And those aren’t Disney movies?
JOHN: no???
JOHN: don't tell me you've never watched a disney movie either.
DIRK: ...
DIRK: Circling back to my previous point,
DIRK: Do you, or do you not, profess attraction to a character bearing a certain rabbit-themed appellation?
JOHN: what?
DIRK: Don’t you have a crush on that girl from Sailor Moon?
JOHN: ...what of it.
JOHN: that’s a sexy LADY bunny, dirk.
DIRK: Ah, but you DO find her sexy.
JOHN: YES! and shes a LADY!
JOHN: she’s not even a bunny, DIRK!!!
DIRK: All will be addressed in due time, my friend.

Notes:

really cool that i can put html in places like this

bonus content:


the placeholder img ive been using while i work on panesls


also sorry about the drip-feed updates im very slow im a shitposter not a writer