Work Text:
“Good, good,” Palpatine said gleefully. “You will make a fine addition to the Imperial Sanctuary.”
The tauntaun brayed in response to the evil dictator’s blessing and ran off to explore its new habitat. The Emperor cackled in delight at the sight. He was very proud of the facility. Reaching over 10 km in diameter with state-of-the-art tundra-climate simulation, the Imperial Adopt a Tauntaun Refuge was a true work of art. It was an architectural feat second only to the Death Star in the Emperor’s eyes, and the sanctuary had certainly caused him less stress to build.
Lately, the complexities of constructing a planet-killing machine the size of a moon had been straining Palpatine’s mental health. All the more reason he was grateful to have these adorable tauntauns around. They were just the right sort of creature to distract from all those construction delays and unfounded rumors of disgruntled scientists sabotaging the main reactors.
“So, my old friend,” Palpatine said, gesturing to the snowfields. “What do you think of my new tauntauns?”
Darth Vader stood behind him, his imposing presence casting a dark shadow over the snowy landscape.
“They are acceptable, Master,” Vader said solemnly. “They have large eyes and they smell nice.”
“Indeed they do,” the Emperor said. “They make wonderful animal companions.”
They watched a majestic herd of tauntauns run across the snowfields. The herd came to rest underneath a shelter made of recycled charred X-Wing parts, a prime example of sustainability put to work in the Empire.
“How does one obtain an animal companion for emotional support?” Vader asked.
“You would like one for yourself,” Palpatine said knowingly. Of course, he wasn’t the only one who was stressed about the Death Star construction. While his needs as emperor outweighed the needs of the masses, he was sensitive to the wellbeing of a select few subordinates. “You may take a tauntaun back to the Executor. I am sure we can clear a hangar to make for a suitable tundra habitat.”
Vader gazed at the tauntauns in a distance and shook his head.
“I do not know if a fully grown tauntaun would be suited for a Star Destroyer,” Vader said. “The ones Captain Needa has trained were all only tauntaun younglings.”
“I see,” Palpatine said. “Are you sure your feelings are clear on this matter?”
“Yes, my master.”
“Very well then.” Palpatine didn’t understand how anyone could turn down a tauntaun but his apprentice had always had unusual preferences. “I will refer you to the COMPNOR Certified Animal Companion Subdivision of the ISB Division for Relaxation and Illusions of Pleasure. They will bring a collection of potential animal companions to the Executor for you to choose from.”
“Thank you,” Vader said. “I will be sure to choose wisely.”
“Hold still, my lord, I’ve almost got it off…”
Vader sighed in despair as Captain Piett tried desperately to pry the latest animal candidate off of his cape. Evidently, the Chandrilan Porcupine was not a good option. The creature had buried itself in the cape in fear at the sight of Vader. By now, the cape was much abused, having been bitten, clawed and torn by a collection of cats, dogs, and Axxilan womprats in the past two hours.
“Why do all animals resent me?” Vader moaned.
“I am sure they don’t… ouch!” Piett yelped in pain as he pricked himself on one of the porcupine’s spines. “I’m sure they don’t all resent you, my lord. You simply haven’t found the right animal companion for you.”
“How many more do we have?” Vader asked.
“One moment, my lord. Let me check.”
Piett placed the porcupine back in its kennel and stepped out of the room. He returned soon after with a goldfish bowl.
“We have one more, my lord.” Piett set the bowl down next to Vader. “The Naboolian Speckled Guppy.”
Vader used the Force to lift the bowl closer. Unfortunately, in his eager state, he lifted the fish out of the bowl in the process. Realizing that the creature could not breathe like so, he quickly dropped it back into the water. The poor fish was an innocent being, not an incompetent officer, and therefore had every right to continue breathing.
Upon landing in the water, the guppy immediately hid from the Sith Lord in its goldfish castle. Vader shook his head in despair. This was worse than the time those ISB-issued therapy porgs had made a nest in his meditation chamber.
“I’m sorry that things did not go as planned today, my lord,” Piett said. “I will request that the ISB send more potential animal companions.”
“That will not be necessary,” Vader said. “Clearly this search is hopeless. At least I have you, Captain Piett. You are the only living being who has never disappointed me, save that one time you entered my meditation chamber without knocking. But I am very glad I did not strangle you for that.”
“Yes, I am grateful for that too.”
Beneath his helmet, Vader gave as much of a smile as he was capable of. It was very comforting to have someone who shared his feelings about things. It was part of why he liked having Piett around. The little Captain was always a good companion, standing loyally at his side, shivering, his eyes wide and alert.
Suddenly, Vader saw the solution to his problems.
“Captain Piett!” he barked. “Prepare my shuttle for takeoff. We must go to Coruscant immediately.”
“Right away.” Piett paused. “Pardon me, did you say ‘we’, my lord?”
“Yes, Captain,” Vader said. “You must accompany me to Coruscant. I wish to show you to the Emperor.”
Of all the humiliating experiences Piett had endured in his life, this was the third worst. (The second was, of course, the time his mother had shared his childhood drawings with Grand Moff Tarkin on Empire Day, followed by the time Tarkin had used Piett’s private blog on attractive AT-AT commanders as an example of zealous Imperial spirit.) Presently, Piett was standing in front of Vader while the Sith Lord explained his highly unorthodox plan to the Emperor.
“Piett has all the qualities of a supportive animal companion,” Vader explained. “He is human, and therefore qualifies as an animal, as opposed to a plant or a mushroom. He has large eyes and smells nice, similarly to your tauntauns.”
The Emperor scrutinized Piett from his throne.
“This is true, my wise apprentice,” he said. “But are you sure you would not prefer another sort of pet? Perhaps a Loth Cat or a Mustafarian Fire Hound?”
“I have contemplated getting a Mustafarian Fire Hound,” Vader said. “But I have heard they are very difficult to care for. Perhaps after I have had some practice with Piett, I may consider getting a Fire Hound in addition to my Captain.”
Piett stared pleadingly at the Emperor. However, Palpatine paid him no concern.
“Good, good,” said the Emperor. “It seems you have found yourself a potential emotional support animal. However, he will need to be properly certified before he can be registered with the ISB. For that, you will have to contact Captain Needa. He is the one who trained my tauntauns.”
“I will take Captain Piett to Captain Needa immediately upon our return to the fleet,” Vader confirmed. “Thank you my master.”
After bowing to the Emperor, Vader ushered Piett back to the shuttle.
“Come, Captain,” he said. “There is much work to be done.”
Captain Needa had a reputation for composure under duress. He’d witnessed many odd occurrences during his time in Death Squadron, from Captain Lennox’s lightspeed neebray fishing scheme to Colonel Veers’s insistence that a barbecue on top of an AT-AT was just the kind of manly display needed to boost morale.
Still, he had a difficult time keeping a straight face in his current scenario.
“Excuse me, my lord,” he said “You want me to train Captain Piett to do what exactly?”
“To be my emotional support captain!” Vader declared. “I will not repeat myself again. I know you are familiar with the procedure, Captain. You have trained hundreds by now.”
“Yes, well… I have trained many wild tauntauns,” Needa said. “And a few ysalamiri for Grand Admiral Thrawn but never a human. At least not for this program.”
“If you cannot train Captain Piett,” Vader thundered, “I will fine someone who can.”
Needa thought he felt his throat itch. Maybe it was just his allergies. (He had run out of antihistamines this morning.) However, it was better to be safe than sorry.
“I would be honored to serve you in this endeavor, my lord,” Needa said. “Right this way. I have a brief presentation that I believe we can use.”
If not for the frightening presence of Lord Vader behind him, Piett would have surely dozed off. Needa’s slideshow presentations were notoriously soporific. Many officers used the old recordings to manage their insomnia.
“Well, this next part is about grooming and maintenance,” Needa said, “So, that doesn’t really apply, saying as Piett does not have a triple coat of fur.”
“I have noticed his hair is dry and not quite as fluffy as it once was,” Vader interjected. “What methods should we use to rectify that?”
“Well, my lord. I am not an expert in human hair care.” Needa gave Piett an apologetic look. “Perhaps a new brand of shampoo and decreased stress would be helpful.”
Piett took off his cap and ran a hand through his hair. It did feel a little dry. Perhaps he shouldn’t have thrown out those fancy Tinnelian shampoos from Jerjerrod.
“Moving on to the next slide,” Needa continued. “We in the Imperial Adopt a Tauntaun Refuge program use only positive reinforcement to train our animals. This typically consists of a favorite food. We give our tauntauns treats in response to good behavior such as stepping onto a platform on command or braying along to ‘Glory to the Empire’.”
“What kind of treats?” Vader asked.
“Well, for the tauntauns we usually use Organic Naboolian Carrots and freeze-dried Hoth Beetles.” Needa hesitated. “I suppose the carrots would be safe for Captain Piett, but Hoth Beetles are toxic to humans.”
“I’m allergic to carrots,” Piett said.
“Would Force choking in response to incompetent behavior qualify as positive reinforcement?” Vader asked.
Needa went pale at the question and gave Piett another look of pity.
“Unfortunately not, my lord,” Needa said. “That would be considered positive punishment, actually. But good question.”
“Would threats of Force choking that are not carried out qualify as positive reinforcement?” asked Vader.
“No, my lord. That would also constitute positive punishment…”
“But dangling an officer over the ventilator shaft for tripping over my cape does constitute positive reinforcement, yes?”
“No. That is also a punishment.”
“I see.” Vader contemplated this news and turned to Piett. “It appears I owe Lieutenant Venka an apology then. I thought that was certainly positive reinforcement.”
“It’s an easy mistake to make,” Piett said.
Poor Venka. No wonder he’d shown up to that last meeting with windswept hair, looking pale as a sheet.
“If you would like to use positive reinforcement, my lord,” Needa said. “I suggest finding something Piett enjoys which you can give to him when he does a desirable behavior to increase its frequency. For instance, let’s say he enjoys blue ration biscuits. If you were to give Piett a blue ration biscuit every time he made a supportive comment, such as what he just did, that would constitute positive reinforcement.”
“I can’t eat too many rations biscuits,” Piett interjected. “I need to watch my blood sugar.”
“You enjoy caf, do you not, Captain?” Vader inquired.
“Yes, my lord,” Piett said. “At least to the extent that it helps me stay awake.”
Without warning, Vader stood up and swept out of the room. Piett and Needa exchanged worried looks. After a few minutes, Vader returned with a cup of caf which he handed to Piett.
“Drink, Captain,” Vader ordered before turning to Needa. “That is positive reinforcement, is it not?”
“Yes, it is,” Needa conceded. “Though I believe Piett already has a very high baseline caf intake. Perhaps it would be better to find a non-caffeinated form of reinforcement.”
“Nonsense,” Vader said. “Look at him. He is vibrating with happiness.”
Willfully disregarding Needa’s warning, Piett finished two cups of caf over the course of the slideshow. At the conclusion of the session, he earned a new pin to place below his rank badge certifying him for emotional support. On the way back to the bridge, he received another cup of caf as a reward for walking well by Vader’s side and a fourth for agreeing with Vader that podracing was superior to fathier racing.
As he settled down for his shift, Piett sipped his caf contentedly and pondered this latest turn of events. He was feeling very energized now, much better than before. Perhaps being Vader’s emotional support officer wasn’t so bad after all.