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The lamp in the corner of the living room bathes the room in a soft orange glow, the evening around them quiet and peaceful. An empty beer bottle and a half-empty glass of water sit on the coffee table and the TV murmurs in the background, volume low enough to avoid waking Chris. Eddie’s only sort of paying attention to the telenovela playing out on the screen, mind mulling over his earlier conversation with Buck.
He doesn’t remember much of what happened between falling to the ground and waking up in the hospital after being shot, but the look in Buck’s eyes as he looked up at him from the kitchen table after asking about his memories of that day reminded him just how much they’ve danced around the subject.
Eddie sinks further into the couch cushions, and then turns his head to look over at Buck, whose eyes are fixed on the TV. Buck, who had dragged Eddie to safety without thinking about the risks. Buck, who had thrown himself into harm’s way in the aftermath on the off chance it would protect his team, his family. Eddie doesn’t remember those details, but Bobby had filled him in one day when he was visiting Eddie in the hospital, after admitting he had been worried about Buck since the shooting.
Eddie does remember the guilty, haunted expression on Buck’s face when he sat at Eddie’s bedside and confessed his belief that things would have been better if he had been the one to be shot. He remembers how Buck had looked at him when Eddie told him about the will, stressing just how important Buck really is to him and Christopher.
Buck, who had died not even a few weeks ago. Somehow, Eddie had never considered the possibility that Buck would be the one to go first. His presence was such a constant, grounding force in their lives, it had never crossed his mind.
He hadn’t been able to look at Buck while he was in the hospital, machines keeping him alive, but looking at Buck now, relaxed and sleepy, eyes focused on the TV, feet resting on the coffee table, Eddie can’t imagine a world without him in it. The thought of how close he had come to losing this nearly knocks the breath out of him.
They still have so much to talk about. They’ve barely scratched the surface – but for now, sitting next to Buck on the couch, safe and warm, he can’t bring himself to bring any of it up. Not just yet.
Buck shifts a little on the couch, head tilting towards Eddie. Buck’s eyes lock on his, soft and trusting and he gives Eddie that sweet, gentle smile of his – Eddie’s heart twists a little bit in his chest.
“Do you think Chris will want help with that science project that’s due next week?” Buck asks quietly.
“You know, he mentioned working on it with some kids from school the other day. He’s going to a sleepover on Friday and he swore to me that they’d get some homework done.”
Buck’s easygoing smile turns into a pout. “He’s going to miss movie night? When did he get too cool to hang out with us?”
“Nah, he’ll always have time for his Buck,” Eddie chuckles softly, bumping his leg into Buck’s. Buck leans into the touch a little, and Eddie doesn’t move away. It’s comfortable, natural in a way he isn’t ready to think about yet. “He’s been asking about you a lot since you were discharged, you know.”
“How much did he, ah – how much does he know about how bad things were? When I was in the hospital?” There’s something serious in Buck’s eyes as he looks at Eddie.
“He’s no stranger to hospitals. The machines, the tubes – he knew you were in rough shape. But he knew you’d wake up. Insisted on it, actually.” He can feel tears welling up in his eyes as he thinks about his son softly talking to Buck.
“Yeah. Hen mentioned you snuck him in to talk to me. I think it helped.” Buck’s eyes are watery, too. “He’s a good kid.”
“The best.” Eddie sighs the wistful sigh of a parent not ready to have his kid grow up. “He’s growing up so fast. I swear everytime I blink, he’s grown another inch.”
“I remember meeting him for the first time like it was yesterday.” Buck’s smiling again, that fond smile he seems to reserve just for Chris. Eddie’s struck, not for the first time, by how incredibly fortunate he is to have Buck in his life – this man who would do anything for his son without thinking twice about it.
“That was a long day.” Eddie chuckles softly, “It was one emergency after another, yet, you still had all sorts of earthquake facts ready to go.”
Buck grins, “I like to be prepared.”
“It helped, you know.” Eddie says, “I just remember being so worried about Chris. But then you went on about the retrofits in all the schools, how he was in a safe place even though I couldn’t contact him… it helped.”
He thinks a few years ago, Buck might have made a self deprecating remark, might have brushed it off. But he just watches Eddie, lips curved into a smile. “It’s crazy to think that soon enough he’ll be starting high school.”
“And then he’ll really want to get out of movie night with us,” Eddie sighs.
“Well hey, maybe on Friday we can, uh, go catch a movie or something, just the two of us.“ There’s something tentative, hopeful, in Buck’s gaze. Eddie isn’t sure what it means — isn’t sure what he wants it to mean. He is sure, though, that hanging out with Buck on Friday is exactly what he wants to do.
“That would be nice.”
“And we’ll send Chris pictures so he knows how much fun we’re having and he’ll never miss movie night again.”
“He’ll be so jealous.”
Buck yawns then, stretching his arms overhead.
Eddie glances at his watch – it’s well past 1am – and sits up straight, “I think it’s time for bed.”
Buck yawns again. “Good call.”
“Your toothbrush is still in the drawer in the bathroom. Go wash up, I’ll grab some blankets for you.”
Buck just nods sleepily, and disappears into the hallway. Eddie grabs clean linens and a duvet and the pillow he knows Buck likes out of the closet, and makes up the couch while Buck gets ready for bed.
Eventually Buck walks back into the room, eyeing the couch thoughtfully. “Thanks, Eddie.”
“Anytime, Buck. I mean that.”
Buck settles onto the couch, pulling the duvet up to his chin, eyes drooping. “I might leave the TV on for a bit, if that’s okay.”
“Whatever you need, Buck,” Eddie says. “Want me to get the light?”
“Mhm,” Buck yawns again. “G’night, Eddie.”
“Goodnight, Buck.” Eddie switches off the light, and glances back at Buck one more time before going to his room and getting ready for bed.
—
Eddie wakes to the smell of bacon and the sound of laughter coming from the kitchen. He swings his legs out of the bed, stretching out his shoulder a little while he glances at the clock. It’s a little earlier than Chris would normally be up on a school day, but the sound Buck in the kitchen probably had the kid flying out of bed.
“Good morning,” Eddie says around a yawn as he walks into the kitchen. Sure enough, the two of them are bustling around the kitchen, in good spirits despite the early hour.
“Buck’s making pancakes, dad,” Chris says, grinning ear to ear.
“Oh is he now?”
Buck glances back at him from where he’s standing at the stove, minding the pancakes in question. “With blueberries.”
“Smells great.” He plants a kiss on the top of Chris’s head and steps around the table to gently nudge Buck with his elbow. “Sleep okay?”
“I did. You? We didn’t wake you, did we?”
“Nah, I slept fine.” Eddie takes a moment to study Buck, and he does look rested and relaxed. There’s a lightness in Buck this morning, so different from the exhaustion he’d been carrying around the night before. Happiness bubbles up inside Eddie, comforted by having Buck here, safe and sound and happy, in their home.
There’s an ease with which they navigate the small space, natural as breathing. He brushes his hand along the small of Buck’s back as he slips past him to grab three cups; Buck wordlessly presses a mug of coffee into Eddie’s hand, made just how he likes it; Chris sets forks and napkins on the table.
It feels like just another morning with his family.
Eddie grabs the OJ and water jug from the fridge and turns to Chris, who’s taken his usual spot at the head of the table. “Good morning, sir, welcome to the Diaz family restaurant. Would you like orange juice or water with your meal this morning?”
“Dad,” Chris draws out the word, rolling his eyes – something he’s been doing more and more of lately – but he still can’t stop himself from giggling a little. Buck snorts.
Eddie just looks at Chris expectantly, eyebrows raised.
“Orange juice.”
“Orange juice…?”
Chris sighs, “Orange juice, please.”
“Coming right up,” He fills Chris’s glass and then turns his attention to Buck, who’s expertly flipping pancakes onto the three plates he’s laid out on the counter. “And for you, sir? Orange juice? Water?”
Buck chuckles, “Water’s fine with me.”
“Right away.” Eddie makes a big show of dramatically filling the cups, to Chris’s horror, before sitting down to his son’s right side.
“Breakfast is served,” Buck claps his hands and then begins to set the plates on the table. “Today’s special is blueberry pancakes, of the smiley face variety, along with a side of the finest bacon money can buy, some fresh strawberries, and eggs – scrambled for the young Mr. Diaz and sunny side up for the elder Mr. Diaz.”
Chris giggles at that. Eddie gasps in mock horror. “Oh, so you’ll laugh at Buck’s jokes.”
“Yeah, dad. He’s actually funny.”
“Oh, burn.” Buck says, offering his hand out to Chris for a high five. “This is why you’re my favorite Diaz.”
Eddie thinks he’d be happy to do this every morning for the rest of his life.
Buck settles into the chair across from Eddie and they eat in comfortable silence, Eddie’s heart overflowing as he basks in the company of his two favorite people in the world.
Eventually they finish eating and Christopher goes to get ready for school. Eddie packs the lunch he made the night before into Christopher’s backpack and sets it by the front door, and then joins Buck at the kitchen sink. They stand elbow to elbow, Buck washing and Eddie drying, and make quick work of the breakfast dishes.
“Have you talked to your parents this week?”
“They haven’t called as much this week.” Buck tilts his head, thinking, “Now that I’m on the mend, there’s not as much to fret over.”
Eddie holds his tongue, though he has a few choice words for the Buckley parents and their parenting choices. The more he had learned about the Buckley family and Buck’s childhood, the angrier it made him to think about how much Buck had to do, how much he would have to act out or put himself in harm’s way, to earn a shred of love from his parents. It surprised him, too, because loving Buck always felt like the easiest thing in the world.
“You know, I think I’m okay with it, though. I, ah, don’t think I need their attention as much as I used to.”
“That’s… healthy.”
“Besides, I have more than enough people who love me, you know? I’m done bending over backwards or trying to be someone I’m not just to earn my parent’s love.”
Eddie claps one hand to Buck’s shoulder, squeezing gently. “I’m proud of you, Buck.”
Buck ducks his head sheepishly, cheeks flushing the faintest pink. “Thanks, Eddie.”
“I’m ready, dad,” Chris calls out from the front hall.
“Coming, Chris.“ He looks over at Buck, “You going to hang out here for a bit?”
“I gotta get going. I have a doctor’s appointment in a few hours.”
Eddie nods, “Let me know how it goes.”
“I will.”
Eddie slips his shoes on, grabs his wallet and keys, and then ushers his boys out the front door, locking it behind them. “I’m on a 24 starting tonight but I’ll see you Friday?”
Buck grins. “It’s a d— plan. Sounds like a plan.”
“Let me know how your doctor’s appointment goes.”
“I will. See you, Eddie.”
“Bye, Buck!” Chris calls out from where he’s waiting by Eddie’s truck.
“I’ll see you soon, buddy!” Buck waves and then skips over to his jeep.
Eddie watches as Buck slips into the driver’s seat, fiddling with the stereo controls for a moment, before pulling away. The jeep turns around a corner and then he’s gone.
“Dad, I’m going to be late.”
“Alright, bud, alright.”
Against the odds, he gets Chris to school with five minutes to spare, pressing a quick kiss to his forehead before Chris can protest. He watches Chris make his way into the school, happily greeted by a few of his friends, and Eddie swells with pride at the person his son is becoming.
Eventually, he makes it home and walks through the door to a quiet house. The blankets and pillows Buck had used are neatly folded on the couch and Eddie just stands in the hallway for a moment, thinking.
From the moment he had met him, Buck had fit into their lives in the most natural way.
A part of him wants to call Buck up and tell him to pack up his things, tell him to come home for good.
Oh.
Eddie chuckles to himself, rubs one hand over his face, as he sits down at the kitchen table.
There’s no moment of panic. No thrill of nerves or anxiety. A wave of calmness washes over him, a final puzzle piece clicking into place, a light illuminating things he hadn’t been able to see before.
Of course.
It was always going to be this, wasn’t it? This beautiful little life he’s been building for the last few years.
It’s all he's ever wanted.