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It's a normal afternoon at the Armed Detective Agency. The sun shines through the windows onto Ranpo's desk. He yawns and stretches, almost catlike as he drapes himself across the desk and lets his hat slide down over his face. The detective does his best to tune out the others' chattering. It's one of those days.
"Ranpo-san?" Yosano's voice catches his attention and he lifts his head in acknowledgement. Standing in front of his desk, she continues, "We're going for lunch at the cafe downstairs, if you want to come."
Ah, she's always looking out for him, isn't she? Usually he jumps at the invitation, but right now the thought of having to sit around in a crowded public space like that sounds absolutely exhausting. Not to mention that, given it being an off day for him, even most of his usual favorite desserts from there sound absolutely unappealing… much less any so-called "real food".
He hums thoughtfully as he tries to browse a mental list of things that he thinks sound good or even tolerable. "I'll pass," Ranpo says, "but bring me back a slice of cake, 'kay?" Yeah, he thinks he could stomach that, and he knows she'd give him that look if he didn't at least request something slightly more substantial than his usual snacks be retrieved for him.
"Of course," Yosano replies with a smile, and that's that. Really, he doesn't know what he'd do without her. Ranpo watches idly as she moves on to the newbie's desk. Dazai Osamu, recent Armed Detective Agency recruit and resident enigma. Well, maybe not entirely an enigma to Ranpo, who has a better idea of what his deal is than anyone else, but even still. Weird guy.
Ranpo frowns a little, when Yosano extends the offer to him and Dazai declines as well, saying something about having already eaten. She accepts it easily enough and waves to the both of them as she, Kunikida, Kenji, and the Tanizakis all exit the office. Which leaves Ranpo and Dazai alone with an obvious lie that still lingers in the air.
The others can't tell, Ranpo knows that, but he notices without even trying that Dazai has certainly not already eaten today. For that matter, the guy is built like a damn shoelace, to the point where if Ranpo didn't know better he'd assume Dazai doesn't even eat at all. These observations are enough to catch his interest. There's a hunch he has brewing now, and he wants to test the theory.
He pushes his chair out and crosses the room to stand in front of Dazai's desk, slamming one hand down to get his attention. Dazai looks up at him, bewildered and almost reminiscent of a deer staring down the headlights of a car.
"You're like me," Ranpo says matter-of-factly.
Dazai, to his credit, recovers from the surprise quickly and adopts an innocent-looking smile. "Oh? What do you mean, Ranpo-san? You flatter me too much if you're comparing our intellect, though I'm certain you already know that."
"You didn't go to lunch with the others either." Ranpo stares him down, reaching out and poking a finger at the other man's chest. "And you lied about having eaten. You didn't even have breakfast today, I can tell that. Unlike other people, I'm not stupid."
"Maybe so." Dazai shrugs nonchalantly, knowing it's no use denying anything to Ranpo and his only option is playing it off. "What about it? And what exactly makes that 'like you'?" There's a hint of genuine curiosity in the question, Ranpo can tell. Ah, so even Dazai doesn't get this one.
"I'm the only other one still here, aren't I?" Ranpo gestures widely towards the empty office with one arm. "I know you're not that stupid. You've got… some sort of thing about food, too, right?"
Dazai has to have noticed, because it's not exactly subtle, the way Ranpo near-exclusively consumes sweets and snack foods and not much else. Most people, Ranpo knows, aren't like this. The average person has likes and dislikes, of course, but… not so restricted. Ranpo is entirely unique in hardly being able to stand most things that aren't a snack or treat, even after years of Fukuzawa working to help expand his tastes and find things he actually likes.
And here Dazai is, skipping meals like it's nothing, in the same way Ranpo would almost be tempted to on days like this if not for the unpleasant sensation of hunger pangs and knowing it'd disappoint Yosano and the President.
"Oh? I don't know what you're talking about." It's playing dumb and they both know it. Ranpo can tell Dazai just doesn't want to acknowledge whatever shared thing it is between them and hopes he'll give up and go away if he stalls and pretends enough.
"I'm not judging," Ranpo huffs, "and I won't tell Yosano-san or anything on you, either, if that's what you're worried about."
"Fine." Dazai says the word through gritted teeth, looking like he'd rather be doing anything other than having this conversation. "Maybe I have a 'thing' about it, as you put it. So what?"
Ranpo shrugs. "I don't know, I was just interested. I've never met anyone else like me in that way, and you're already one of the only people who's ever been close to my level, intellectually. Can't a guy be a little curious?"
"You keep saying that again, that it's 'like you', but you didn't really explain it at all." He frowns a little, tilting his head to the side. "What do you mean? You eat food all the time. Isn't the constant snacking like, your whole thing?"
Dazai's met with an unimpressed stare from Ranpo. "Come on, Dazai, I thought you of all people were smarter than that…" Ranpo pouts. "Yosano-san would call both of those things 'disordered eating', if you asked her."
"Huh?"
"I don't really like other food," he explains simply. "Except for some things, but most of it just tastes bad or doesn't interest me. And sometimes even stuff I usually like just doesn't sound good at the moment, for no reason. I don't like the feeling of being hungry either, and Yosano and Fukuzawa-san worry if I don't eat enough, so I just do my best to get enough of the things I like. Which are snacks. And desserts."
Dazai looks as if this is entirely new information to him, and Ranpo almost feels a sense of satisfaction as he realizes the ability to surprise the other is entirely mutual. "I see," he muses, thinking this over. "I don't have much interest in food either, to tell you the truth. I like crab, I guess. And alcohol, if that counts, but everything else isn't much, to me."
"Do not let Yosano-san hear you asking if alcohol counts as food," Ranpo deadpans.
"I take it that's a no, then… ah, that's a shame." Dazai sighs and leans forward to rest his head on his hands. "Why are you bothering me about this, again? Is this some sort of bonding thing?"
"Like I said earlier, I was just curious." The detective shrugs and reaches a hand up to adjust his hat. "I guess us geniuses with issues have to stick together, eh? Don't get me wrong, though, I'm the better of the pair of us by far."
"Of course, Ranpo-san," Dazai replies with a small smile.
"Good to know you acknowledge it."
Ranpo's smiling faintly as well, when he turns away and returns to his desk.
Dazai looks like he's not sure whether to be frustrated or grateful when Ranpo rummages through his desk drawer and throws a bag of chips to him from across the room.
"Hey, Dazai, at least try and eat some of those, or something. 'Kay? I'll be mad if I've gone to all the work of befriending the newbie just for him to starve himself to death," he informs Dazai from beneath his hat, where he's slumped onto his desk once again.
Ranpo's not looking, and Dazai can't see it from this position, but the detective secretly looks oddly satisfied with himself when after a moment he hears the crinkling of the package and the faint sound of crunching.
Geniuses with issues have to stick together, after all.