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As a child he used to think the gods were deaf.
A bit presumptuous to assume that entities so mighty and powerful may lack hearing, perhaps, but who cared? Anakin didn’t even know what presumptuous meant at six years old.
He did know the gods, though. Niyari, Shomsun, Koa, Le Shauni, Hymain and many others: a god for the light, a god for the shadows and more than one for the heat - Azar for fire itself and Sorin for the Twin Suns and the thirst they brought in the hottest days.
Tatooine folklore was a goldmine of divine figures, each with their own story, characteristics and caprices to satisfy through specific prayers and offerings; and although he respected them all, as his mother taught him, there was one divinity in particular Anakin used to direct most of his prayers to when in need.
It was Talaji, the god of fortune. The elders said he would grant fortune and prosperity in any venture to whoever honored him - many slaves used to pray to him before auctions or visits from the masters, and when some of them were spared from being beaten or sold to meaner owners they would say that had been the will of Talaji winning against its counterpart Aku, the god of misfortune.
Now, Anakin knew it was not thanks to Talaji but it was only luck, or chance at best. Because in the end the gods were not deaf, nor cruel: they simply didn’t exist.
That was why no one ever came.
No one saved his mother from being pushed and yanked and beaten by Gandulla, Watto and the other slavers; no one saved their first house from being annihilated by a sandstorm when Anakin was four; and no one saved Anakin from slavery itself, he did it by winning the podrace and helping Master Qui-Gon repair his ship.
Anakin stopped praying pretty much as soon as he arrived at the Temple for the first time. Doing it just reminded him of his mom, just like everything else, so whenever Coruscant cursed him with frightening thunderstorms or something didn’t go well at school, Anakin would simply get over it. Eventually he also stopped believing in them, not with a hint of shame at what Shmi would have thought knowing about his loss of faith.
Let it go, Obi-Wan used to say all the time. Release your feelings in the Force. To be consumed by fear is to be consumed by the Dark Side, Anakin - don’t let it have you.
Joke’s on him, Anakin was awful at letting things go. He never properly let go of his mother, stars, he even packed his backpack with his old tools to avoid leaving them behind despite knowing the Jedi would have provided him much better ones.
It all came back to him that very same morning, as Anakin was currently trying not to puke.
He had an exam that day. General History of Galactic Trading. Despite having studied for weeks to prepare, Anakin was one step away from having a mental breakdown - he hated, hated like a Sith that course. Not only it was tedious like only Obi-Wan’s endless lectures on manners could be, it was also the hardest Anakin had ever faced in his career as a Padawan learner: and according to the senior Padawan that came to their class some days ago to give them some advice, it had always been like this.
Master Phaenna was known to be as merciless in grading as she was in battle, and Anakin had seen her become an active challenge to Obi-Wan - obviously his master ended up winning that time, there was basically no knight in the Order not belonging to the Jedi Council that was able to defeat him in a duel, but the sight alone had still sent shivers down Anakin’s spine.
«You’re not scared» he said out loud, to no one, as he jumped ungracefully to enter his pants. «You’ve survived multiple podraces. You’ve fallen from that frozen cliff on Horth. You weren’t scared then and you won’t be now».
Despite his preaching, Anakin still felt like his stomach was made of glass.
He got dressed, and just as he was about to leave the room he caught a glance of his desk: he was planning on putting things in order, since Obi-Wan had scolded him to no end for his clumsiness, and in the cleaning process he had somehow dredged up some of his old tools from Tatooine. Yes, the ones he brought with him so many years ago.
Anakin came closer, grabbing an old blowtorch from the pile. He didn’t want to throw it away (again, attachment problems), but he admitted that the thing had served his purpose already - it was rusty and probably more dangerous than useful at that point, trying to turn it on was definitely a bad idea.
Anakin’s thumb caressed the brown handle, his grip tightening on it with such familiarity it made his already mistreated stomach twist with nostalgia. He recalled when he used to work on Threepio with that, as well as all the times he would use it to light up his daily offering to Talaji.
Talaji is not an exigent god, Ani. Just burn some peels, and he’ll assist you if that is his will.
To honor the god of fortune, believers were required to burn something they felt lucky to have. Anakin and his mom didn’t have anything, so they would burn potato peels or other leftovers… but mostly potato peels. There were never leftovers, they barely had food to eat in the first place.
Anakin looked at the blowtorch again, then pursed his lips into a straight line. The gods were not real, they were just another story like the sand-dragon: believing in it kept people hopeful and happy, but didn’t have any real impact on the universe.
Then why was he suddenly heading to the kitchen to find something to light up?
Anakin felt pathetic. Really, all of that for a stupid exam - it had been more than six years, and that was what it took him to take the gods seriously again.
«It’s only one time» he muttered to himself, opening the upper shelf in the kitchenette and grabbing a pot and a lid. Obi-Wan had already left, the night before he had told him he’d be gone before sunrise to attend a special mission at the other side of Coruscant, so Anakin didn’t bother being silent.
The current state of their fridge was so miserable he didn’t even bother checking - no, Anakin immediately aimed for the fruit bowl at the center of the counter, and after a moment or two he grabbed the best looking apple of the bunch.
Its texture was basically flawless, it was perfect. Even after so many years, Anakin sometimes was still surprised at how good fruit actually was… to be fair his personal favorites were mangos, but there were none in the bowl and he didn’t have enough time to go search for one.
And so, armed with a kitchen knife, Anakin started peeling. He did a pathetic job, Shmi would have scolded him for hours looking at how much apple he was wasting in the process, but Anakin couldn’t risk being late, not that day: he cut a portion of peel from the rest and put it in the pot, then turned around to reach a compartment below the stove where he knew he would have found what he was looking for.
Luckily there were many matchsticks left in the box, Obi-Wan would have never noticed one was missing.
Anakin lit it up, then let it fall into the pot and immediately closed it with the lid to avoid… well, whatever reaction that little intentional fire would have brought.
Nothing spectacular actually happened, though. Frowning, Anakin watched the lit match eroding the peel at the edges, then the flame spread and consumed the rest of it until there was nothing left but burned crumpled rests.
«Stuka je wonky Talaji» he said quickly, before the fire could extinguish. The mighty Talaji sees me. «Ateema dobra gusha. Stuka je wonky Talaji». I am fortunate now. The mighty Talaji sees me.
Anakin took a deep breath, as his twisted stomach relaxed slightly. He had studied a lot, and Talaji was satisfied: if he was still going to fail the exam, only Master Phaenna’s rigidity was to blame.
Not that he believed the gods existed, obviously. He had done it just in case, that was all.
⧫
«Welcome ba-»
«I passed» Anakin said in one breath, eyes so wide it seemed they would pop out of his head. «I passed, Master».
Obi-Wan frowned slightly, sat on the couch with his cup in hand. «Oh. Well, congratulations. Which one was this?»
«General History of Galactic Trading!» he replied, kicking his shoes off. «I took it last week, and Master Phaenna gave us the result today. Which is wild, considering she asked us to write a three page paper and there’s at least sixty people in my class, but who cares. I passed, I can’t believe it Master, at some point during the exam I wasn’t even sure what I was saying, I basically bullshitted my way through some parts of it and I-»
«Mind your language, Anakin» Obi-Wan said, though clearly amused by his overflowing enthusiasm. Anakin didn’t even bother shielding himself, and so all of its relief and pride and joy was shining energetically throughout their bond. «I am happy for you. Reina is a demanding teacher, it must not have been easy».
«It wasn’t. I-Stars, I passed» Anakin couldn’t contain his excitement.
After the exam he couldn’t really tell how it went, the questions were as complex as he was expecting and required a lot of thinking and usage of the study material, but apparently his work had been considered worthy of a decent and hard-earned average mark.
“Not bad, Skywalker. Articulate your thoughts better next time, and you’ll get there”.
Master Phaenna didn’t understand, Anakin was already there. Galactic history was his nemesis, and he had defeated it! That was a joyous day indeed.
«Talaji sa wonky» he muttered almost instinctively.
In the midst of getting up, Obi-Wan turned to him. «Did you say something?»
Anakin blinked. «No» he replied quickly. «Well, yes. I deserve a threat, Master. For being a brilliant student».
«Wasn’t that your third attempt at this course?»
«For being a brilliant student despite everything » Anakin added, showcasing a grin as large as a loth-wolf’s.
Obi-Wan chuckled, putting his cup in the sink. «Alright, we can have dinner at Dex’s then. I’ve heard they expanded their ice-cream menu, you may get one as a dessert for your hard work».
Just as he had gotten them off, Anakin went back in his shoes. «Master, I’m not a kid» he mumbled, a noise of pure indignation leaving his throat as Obi-Wan ruffled his hair passing by. «One is a snack. I want at least two».
«Considering how much you have been eating lately, young one, I doubt you’ll have room for that much ice-cream».
«Is it a challenge? »
⧫
After Galactic history, Anakin ended up passing all of his exams. And before each one of them, he had repeated the propitiatory ritual in favor of Talaji.
It was stupid and just a bunch of coincidences mixed with his last minute study between one mission and another, and Anakin knew. He knew, but he couldn’t stop doing it: somehow he had unlocked a part of him he thought forgotten, and falling back into his old habits didn’t seem like a reversible process anymore.
If he had an exam or a test, Anakin would get up early and light up peels, or little pieces of clothes to gain the favor of the god. He refused to do it before lightsaber classes or duels because he was confident in his abilities, but when it came to writing things down he had… insecurities, still.
Anakin had fully learned written Basics at ten years old, around one year after arriving at the Jedi Temple. At eleven initiates were introduced to philosophy, while he was fighting tooth and nail just to make his shitty handwriting comprehensible even for himself.
It was a sore spot, although Anakin pretended it wasn’t. And who cared if none of that Talaji thing was real anyway, as long as it calmed him down?
In the end he had not only passed, but aced his exams. Something that had never happened before.
And Obi-Wan was really proud of him, he would tell him each time Anakin was back with such news and oh, that was also great. They fought often, Anakin mostly blamed his own temperament for that, but at times like those all he could feel in their bond was genuine pride and content radiating from his master.
That was something Anakin didn’t want to let go of.
«You don’t look well».
Anakin shifted uncomfortably in his seat, pale as a corpse and hands holding onto the steering wheel like his own life depended on it. «I don’t know what you’re talking about, Master».
Beside him, Obi-Wan’s eyebrow lifted, as he checked the coordinates for Coruscant were set up correctly. «For the millionth time, Anakin, if you shield yourself so tight in the Force it’s blatant that you’re hiding something. So, what is it?»
Kriffing hell. Anakin resisted the impulse to scratch his neck nervously, gulping the few saliva he had left. «I’m alright» he lied, eyes looking straight.
He had miscalculated. In his head, the fact that the mission on Kashyyyk was so close to the exam was not a problem - it was supposed to be easy, one of those quick diplomatic exchanges that Obi-Wan would have solved in the blink of an eye like many they had faced before.
Anakin himself had insisted on joining his master despite the tight timing, confident in his abilities. The subject he was going to be tested on was as banal as the study material it concerned, it was one of those rare cases in which he had nothing to fear.
Except that, it took them longer than planned. Except that, Anakin could not simply walk out the ship and attend his exam as he said he would have done.
Not without lighting up his offer for Talaji.
«Can’t we go faster?» Anakin muttered, on his toes.
Apparently, that was all it took for Obi-Wan to inhale deeply and turn his head towards him. «Are we late?» he asked without any context. He didn’t need one.
Anakin tried to gulp, but found his throat to be completely dry. «Uh… no?»
«I can’t-you told me we would have made it, Anakin!»
«It took too much!» he replied, panicking. «Who knew Wookies were so advanced in politics?! I thought they still lived in stilts».
In response to that Obi-Wan let out a pained noise reminiscing an injured animal. «Thank you for reminding me why you haven’t been sent alone on a diplomatic mission, Padawan. For the record, stilts require aquatic habitats».
«I mean, there’s so much green, right? That means somehow there’s water».
Obi-Wan kept shaking his head. «At what time is the exam?»
«Three hour standard».
«Oh-Well, that’s not bad. Is that the reason why you’re so worried?»
Obi-Wan kept looking at him puzzledly, probably having a hard time to match such a little hitch to Anakin’s (unknown, but clearly unstable) emotional state.
When Anakin finally surrendered to look at him in the face, he eventually let out a sigh. «We won’t make it because I can’t straight up go to the exam, Master» he admitted. «I have… something to do first».
Honestly, it was a bad idea. Anakin didn’t know how Obi-Wan would have reacted to that - was it even allowed to practice faith as a Jedi?
Technically you don't believe in it, he reminded himself.
Still, what he was performing was a religious ritual. Perhaps it was against the rules, what if Obi-Wan told the Council and they forced him to stop? Anakin felt his stomach twist aguishly at the sole thought.
He needed to win Talaji's favor, just in case.
«What do you mean? Can’t you do it after the exam?»
«No!» he snapped panicky, raising his voice out of the blue. Obi-Wan’s eyebrow arched together in surprise and Anakin suddenly felt his whole face burn. «I’m sorry. No, it’s not possible. It doesn’t matter, I’ll just be a bit late, Master Rail will understand-»
«Oh, he won’t. You know he’s got this thing for punctuality» Obi-Wan reached for the commands, and a moment later Anakin got his head against the headrest accusing the sudden speed boost of the ship. «I’ll get you there on time».
The knot in Anakin’s stomach relaxed slightly. «Master, you don’t have to-I mean, I should have planned-»
«Nonsense, it wasn’t your fault. In fact, maybe for the first time ever you did plan, Padawan. I recognize the mission was dragged out and lasted longer than intended».
Anakin bowed his head slightly to express gratitude, then waited for Obi-Wan to talk again - to ask, inquire, finding out the cause of his abnormal behavior - but to his surprise none of that happened.
Obi-Wan didn’t say anything, eyes on the route in front of us, and Anakin felt extremely grateful for that.
Thanks to the speedup, they were able to reach the Temple hangar with a decent advance.
Anakin wasted no time and headed immediately to their chambers. He noticed Obi-Wan was following him, which made sense since he had already sent the mission report through his comm to the Council and had nothing else to do; despite that, Anakin didn’t feel bad at the thought of his master knowing, no more.
He let a specific set of feelings leak from his mental shields. Please, don’t tell no one.
A hint of puzzlement and then a confident affirmation came back to him. I won’t.
Anakin gulped, entering the code to access their quarters. «Alright,» he murmured, then, clearing his voice: «Alright. This way, Master. It will take five minutes tops».
«Master Rail’s hall is downstairs right down the hallway, I believe you’ll even be early. You have time to take anything you need, Anakin».
«I don’t have to-I’m not here for a lucky charm, Master» he then felt stupid for getting irritated. How could Obi-Wan know if he didn’t tell him?
Anakin took a deep breath, then turned around. «Though it’s not that far from the truth. It’s just… I don’t know if I’m allowed to do it».
Obi-Wan came near him, then softly placed a hand on his shoulder. «Why don’t you show me? Assuming you want me here, that is. If you need to be alone I’ll leave, Anakin».
That would have been just perfect, had Anakin not changed his mind already.
Anakin sighed, meeting his master’s gaze. «No. It’s okay, you can stay».
He grabbed everything he needed to set up the offering, feeling the curious eyes of Obi-Wan on him throughout the whole process: Anakin tensed, placing the pot on the counter, then started to peel the apple.
«It’s not that-listen, I know it looks stupid» he stuttered, feeling his ears warmer and redder each second. «For the record, I didn’t make you go so fast just to have a morning snack».
«I didn’t say anything» his master replied, serene. «You don’t owe me an explanation. Go on».
Anakin sighed again. «Back home,» he said, «we had gods for everything. Food, water, day, night… stars, there was even a god for sneezes. Some of them were probably made up and the people knew, but others were… respected».
«I see» Obi-Wan said. «Are you doing this for one of them?»
It took him a sentence to get it. The Negotiator and his skills at their finest.
Anakin tensed. «I… don’t believe in them anymore. I don’t think I ever did, I was just a kid and I liked to listen to my mother’s stories. My favorite was about…» he pursed his lips, then opened the little box and lit up a match. «I can’t say his name now, we’re in the middle of his… thing. But he is the god of fortune, and brings good luck in any challenge one has to face. If honored properly, that is».
They both watched the flame consume the peel in silence for a few moments.
«Ateema dobra gusha. Stuka je wonky Talaji» Anakin said, as the tension clumped in his shoulder muscles relaxed progressively. «That’s it, we’re done. Sorry I made you run like crazy to get here, Master».
Obi-Wan shuddered. «I can see it matters to you, so I don’t mind» he then looked at him, and in his blue eyes Anakin recognized that familiar softness that had bound him to that man all those years ago. Yes, he could feel it in the Force as well, especially after how strong their bond had become, but there was nothing more straightforward than to look at his master at times like those.
«Anakin, did you think the Jedi Code prohibited religious practices?»
«I mean, yes? Isn’t it like-» Anakin hesitated. «Isn’t it like saying I don’t believe in the Force? Technically that is what moves the universe. I shouldn’t rely on a god even for silly things like these, should I?»
If everything that happened and would happen in the future was the will of the Force, was it considered blasphemy to pray to other almighty entities?
Those doubts were legitimately eating them alive at that point, but the first thing Obi-Wan did after a moment or two of absolute silence was to laugh out loud.
«What-why is it funny?»
«It is not» Obi-Wan conceded, inhaling deeply. «My apologies. It’s just… you have a peculiar view of the whole thing, dear one».
Anakin simply stared, waiting for him to explain himself.
«The Force is not a god, Anakin. No, wait, let me finish - I know you know. What I mean is, and I want you to grasp this concept, you shouldn’t treat what the Order teaches as some sort of… cult. The Code does encourage us to let go of things that may distort our judgment, like fear or hate. If you were afraid of that god and let your actions be led by what you perceive is his will, for instance, I would advise you to distance yourself from preaching him. But burning pieces of fruit for good luck? I barely see that as a threat for your path as a Jedi».
«It has become a habit» Anakin admitted, shuddering «I didn’t even realize how important it was for me until I realized I may not have made it before the exam. Do you think… I mean, should I stop? I know it’s silly and it doesn’t really help me pass».
Obi-Wan frowned slightly at that. «Wait, how long have you been doing this?»
«Uh… since Galactic history? It has always worked since then, that’s why I kept doing it».
Five passed exams, including Master Phaenna’s, couldn’t be anything but a miracle.
Obi-Wan blinked. «Anakin, I don’t want to sound disrespectful, but have you considered that you might be doing good because of how much work you put into studying? I actually wanted to talk to you about this, I noticed that lately you have been much more focused since, well, I have known you».
Anakin’s eyebrows lifted. Had he? «I… haven’t noticed. I mean, I put more effort into Galactic history because I was tired of failing, but… do you really think it was on me?»
«I think» Obi-Wan replied, quite amused, «that unless Talaji is gifted with telepathy and was able to tell you the answers, you completely achieved those results on your own. Although the ritual may have helped you with performance anxiety».
Oh. Well, that made so much sense it made Anakin feel like a complete idiot.
«You said you don’t believe in these divinities anymore, didn’t you? You were nervous and you found comfort in something familiar to you, Anakin, it is completely normal and you won’t be shamed by anyone for that».
There it was again, that feeling of comfort being wrapped around him like a blanket. Anakin smiled slightly, the relief loosening the knots in his guts like they were made of butter, then cleared his tone.
«Thanks. Since we’re here, do you wanna get good luck too, Master? I can teach you the phrase, it’s in Huttese but it’s not difficult at all. We have to buy another peel though, you have to say it before the fire burns out».
«I think I will be fine, thank you. Now, I believe you have an exam to attend to».
Right, he had almost forgotten about that.
Anakin ran to get his shoes, heart pounding at the prospect of the exam. As he was about to leave, though, Obi-Wan gently tugged the end of their bond to get his attention.
«Before you leave» he said, and he sounded almost embarrassed. «Again, I don’t mean to… I hope I don’t disrespect you by asking, Anakin, but why apples? I thought you had suddenly become a fan, I’ve seen them disappearing from the bowl for a month now».
It was Anakin's turn to laugh. He chuckled, as the front door slid open automatically, and turned back to his master. «We’re supposed to offer Talaji something we feel lucky to have so that we can have some luck in return, and I like apples. That’s it».
«Oh, that… makes sense, I guess. You may go now, good luck, Padawan».
«Thank you, Master. May the Force be with you».
He distantly heard Obi-Wan mutter an “and with you too” in return, though he didn’t shout it at him as he usually would.
That made Anakin’s grin grow larger. Obi-Wan was constantly on tiptoes when it came to stuff about Tatooine, and while Anakin appreciated his delicacy, it was hilarious to see him working his way through costumes he couldn’t properly weigh the importance of.
Perhaps Obi-Wan was right, Anakin thought as he walked down the hallway heading to the examination room - he had worked hard to get those results, despite any hypothetical divine intervention, so it was only fair for him to get some credit.
After all, when he won that podrace and became Obi-Wan’s Padawan he hadn’t burned a single potato peel to gain Talaji’s favor.
Anyway, Anakin couldn't help but giggle when, back from the exam, he found the fruit bowl in the kitchen overflowing with red, juicy apples.