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Buck feels…happy as they exit the back room, their wallets filled to the brim. There’s a buzz under their skin from winning, from the alcohol, and the good company.
Eddie orders the Uber and it’s tensely quiet as they ride through the streets of LA back to the loft. The air is charged and Eddie keeps looking at him when he thinks he’s not looking.
They make it up the stairs and into the apartment before either of them say anything really.
“Beer?” Buck asks, gently placing his jacket on the counter. Eddie hums as he takes the already offered bottle. He leaves his jacket on.
“How did you know? The seventeen seconds? Everyone told me it was three minutes. But you-“
“Because I counted all of them.” Eddie replies, biting his lip, “And those seventeen seconds lasted a lifetime Buck. And it was seventeen seconds because of me.”
Buck cocks his head, his brow scrunched.
“I- I was the one who—no one?”
“What Eddie? I may be able to do math now but I think I need you to spell this one out for me.”
Eddie bites his lip again and studies the pattern of the granite countertop.
“I was the one who brought you back to life,” he replies softly and quietly. Like it’s fragile. Like it’s admitting something else entirely.
“Oh.” Buck breathes just as soft. “I guess I never said thank you. So, thank you. I—“
“I owed you one,” Eddie replies, taking a sip of beer.
“Still. Thank you.” he says it sincerely, trying to convey every part of it to Eddie. Because if he’s honest he’s still reeling from it. There’s still a tingle under his skin. He jokes about it with Maddie. And the night in the kitchen hadn’t changed much, just given a little perspective. But he still hadn’t found his level as Dr. Salazar put it. The most at peace he had felt was with Eddie in that parking lot waiting for an Uber.
“Did you have fun?” Eddie asks, breaking the spiral, he saw it coming no doubt and pulled Buck right back out.
“Yeah, thanks for that too. It’s been a long time since I went out, got dressed up and stuff you know? And I’ve only ever played poker with Maddie.”
“You never—“ Eddie cuts himself off and clears his throat, “I'm glad. Been awhile for me too I guess.”
A silence fills every corner of the loft. Buck swears he can hear the neighbors arguing in the apartment across the hall. And he’s frozen. And Eddie steps closer.
The silence grows impossibly bigger.
And Eddie kisses him.
It’s soft and chaste and everything that a first kiss should be.
But he can’t kiss back. He can’t get his hands to move to Eddie’s hips. Can't open his mouth to make room for Eddie’s tongue. He almost wants to cry. And a small whimper escapes. He wishes he could explain it. But he can’t even look at him.
“I'm sorry,” he whispers, his eyes squeezed shut.
“It's okay,” Eddie replies, placing his beer on the island, and letting his hands run over Buck's arms like receding tides as he slips away.
The door clicks shut and he presses the heels of his hands over his eyes. All he can do is strip off the suit that Eddie had shoved into his arms in a garment bag not hours ago, and crawl into bed and try to sleep.
___
“Eddito, what’s wrong?” Pepa asks as soon as she opens the door. He has his hands shoved in his sweatpants pockets. His mouth twists and he shakes his head and leans down to hug her. She kisses his cheeks like always.
“How’s Christopher?” he asks instead.
“Perfect Angelito, as always,”
“Don’t let him hear you say that,” he smiles sadly.
“I remember another Angel that had that phase.” She pats his cheek as he sits at the kitchen table and hands him his mug of coffee with a teaspoon of sugar and a dash of cinnamon.
“He’s still sleeping,” she slips into her own chair, “I met this very nice girl at the hair salon this week. She’s new in town, looking for people her own age…maybe someone to date…?”
Eddie swallows past the memory of Buck’s still lips against his.
How perfect everything had been up until that point. He swallows again, “You can give her my number,” he concedes. The acid crawling up his throat.
“Are you sure?”
He grimaces but still nods, “I should get back out there. It's been a long time since I've been on a date. It would be good to try again.”
He sips his coffee and the minutes tick by until Christopher makes his way into the kitchen.
“Mornin’ Dad,” Chris grumbles but still leans in for a hug.
“Hey kid,” he replies with a soft smile and ruffles his hair. Chris frowns a little.
“Can we go to the diner for breakfast?”
Eddie had been promising they would go for a few weeks.
“Sure. Say thank you to Pepa.”
He grumbles something that sounds a little bit like Gracias and Eddie just smiles at Pepa and she nods with understanding.
He gets a text a few days later,
Hi this is Emma, your aunt gave me your number.
They coordinate to get coffee on Wednesday morning after his shift.
On Monday he asks Buck if he can get Chris to school on Wednesday morning.
“What are you going to be doing?” Chimney asks as they hope the bell doesn’t ring in the last few minutes of their shift.
Eddie glances at Buck a little nervously, “I um, I’m going on a date. My aunt set us up.”
Chimney’s mouth snaps shut over a retort after Hen lightly slaps his arm. But it’s Buck who takes off, the glass he was drying hitting the counter close to dangerously hard, saying something about getting a head start on his shower.
---
Eddie had a date. A date. The very thought felt spiky, poking Buck in the chest. And most of all it hurt. Which made him feel guilty. Cause if anyone was hurt it was Eddie. He lets the water wash over him, it hadn’t even been that bad of a shift. No horrendous calls. But they had been out almost the entire time, never making it back to the station for more than an hour. And he couldn’t stop thinking about Eddie’s lips on his and how the closest he had felt close to at peace and level was when he was with Eddie. Even today, while they barely looked at each other but still were impossible to separate. He felt it alone too, just not quite as comfortable in it. Not as fully.
When he finally shakes himself free of the spiral and exits the shower, B shift is already in full swing of things and Eddie’s truck is not in the parking lot.
He has no idea what he wants to say, he just knows that he has to kiss him. For real.
It feels wrong to waltz in like he usually does, because Eddie doesn’t know he’s coming. So he knocks. And before Eddie can say a thing Buck blurts,
“Don’t go on that date tomorrow. If you really want to you can, but I just– I can’t let you do that.”
“So I can’t date anyone else but I also can’t kiss you? What am I–”
Buck kisses him, somewhat to shut him up cause he can’t live in a world Eddie doesn’t know that he wants to any more. Mostly because as he realizes now, it's what he had wanted to do so many times before.
Eddie lets out a breath beneath him and then kisses him back, dragging him in, wrapping his arms around his neck as Buck's hands land on his hips, his thumbs slipping between his waistband and shirt.
“I’m really sorry about the other night,” Buck is finally able to say between kisses as he closes the door behind him. “I am still dealing with a lot of things and I was just confused and you caught me off guard. But please don’t go. I–”
“I wasn’t gonna go the second I saw you pull up outside my door.”
“Eddie,” he practically whines in response. Eddie’s breath ghosting over his cheeks.
He finds himself trapped against the door, Eddie kissing along his jaw, his hand finding a home spreading across his waist, thumb resting on his last rib.
“I feel like we should talk more?” Buck asks. Eddie shakes his head,
“I have told you everything I need you to know, I think we have talked enough over the past five years. We have so much time.”
Buck smiles and they’re kissing again.
It’s all syrupy and sweet, with a desperation to make up for what could be lost time. Or just catching up.
Eddie pulls him to the couch by his belt loops, with such little interruption that Buck barely notices his thighs bracketing Buck’s.
And oh, he thought he knew what this might be like, he’s done this a thousand times it seems. But it’s always been in cramped bathrooms or fire trucks, always somewhat awkward and tangled, quick and dirty.
This, with Eddie on the couch, their limbs slotting together like puzzle pieces, mouths opening, tongues dipping, hands–all singing in perfect harmony.
“Are we just gonna make out like teenagers until it’s time to go get Chris?” Buck asks at some point and Eddie buries his face in his chest, he can feel the smile that spreads across Eddie’s face.
“That’s a lot of making out, until three o’clock.”
“Five, he has Robotics Club today.”
“God it shouldn’t be sexy that you know that, fuck,” Eddie kisses him again. “We should move to the bed, and take a nap, shift was relentless.”
“Mmmm, what if we just take a nap right here?” Buck asks, Eddie nuzzling into his neck, little kisses just beneath his ear.
“We’re in our thirties Buck, that is not going to go well for either of our bodies,” Eddie grumbles. He tries to disentangle himself but is only met with a soft tightening grip.
“I just turned thirty–you are the old man here,” he replies teasingly, “Don’t worry I’ll take care of you.”
Eddie props himself up, hovering over Buck’s face, thumb gently resting between his eyebrow and birthmark.
The look on his face is soft, his mouth open as if to start speaking, but he just dips down and kisses the corner of Buck’s mouth gently and settles back down. Sighing as sleep wraps around them.