Work Text:
“Do you want to go to the arcade after school?”
Kyojuro made a difficult expression. “I’ve…got a shift at my temp job. Sorry.”
Tanjiro’s expression didn’t even falter. “No worries! We’ll find another time, then.”
How many times have I had to say no this week?
Kyojuro’s outward expression didn’t show any concern. In fact, he might’ve actually looked rather cheerful. His neutral expression steered towards that, with the edges of his lips settled upward and his eyes offering no hint of a somber attitude. It was a well practiced facade, something he’d trained into himself after years knowing the slightest bit of weakness would be reprimanded by his Father, or if not him by someone else. Ostracizing himself further, till he was that quirky tall omega with the golden ringed eyes who spent all his time either at the gym or at work. Who aced every test and always gave such one-note responses.
Kyojuro’s eyes moved down. Tanjiro was sitting beside him on the bench, one of a few that lined the sidewalk that connected the indoor club activities building with the main school. A few trees hung over them offering shade.
Does he see me that way?
Tanjiro’s eyes left his half-eaten bag of chips, a post practice snack, and darted up to him. “Hm? Sorry, Rengoku-san, did you say something?”
“Aren’t you mad?”
Kyojuro internally swore at his own bluntness, inescapable as it was. He really needed to think harder about his words.
Tanjiro’s brow furrowed. “Mad? Why would I be?”
“I’ve…turned you down every time for a week now, haven’t I?” Kyojuro’s head cocked left, and Tanjiro watched his face carefully.
The alpha smiled. He lowered his snack to his lap and put his free hand over Kyojuro’s, where it rested beside him on the bench.
“I would never be angry about that! I know you’re busy.”
Kyojuro’s eyes widened. “But you…I haven’t been…”
Available. For anything. Honestly, we’ve courted for a couple months now and what have we done? Is there anything he wants from me?
The thoughts spiraled in half-formed swarms through his head, but in the end, none of them amounted to anything.
He put his smile back on, and nodded. “…never mind, then.”
Tanjiro’s expression was still troubled looking, but he didn’t press. Kyojuro didn’t either. They stayed in that quiet as the omega let his eyes find his shoes for a few breaths.
Tomorrow. Maybe I can ask him tomorrow.
A question that might be poorly received, which was why he’d delayed it even as it hovered on his tongue. Kept his typical intensity in check and buried the intention to demand the answer down.
What do you want us to be?
No, that wasn’t quite right. The real question was something Kyojuro feared addressing even more. Because he didn’t know if he wanted the answer. If the answer would even come, what it would be. If he could bend himself further, till he snapped from the stress just to conform to whatever it might be.
What do you want me to be?
Tanjiro was courting him for some reason. Kyojuro’s graduation was still a decent ways off, they still had time left to play with, but it was looming. It was terrifying. Kyojuro knew the words were threatening, and smashed them down all over again.
Tomorrow.
Two Weeks Later.
The sound the training dummy made when it hit the mat reverberated through the room like a thunderclap. Kyojuro’s heart was hammering rapidly. Sweat was sticking his ponytail to his back and his muscles ached from overuse. He’d finished his last temp job, was currently looking for another one, and in the downtime what was he doing? Extra judo practice. The advisor by this point was well aware of Kyojuro’s workaholic attitude and trusted him to clean up whatever equipment he had the first years leave out for him to use once they’d left.
He asked me again today.
Kyojuro’s chest squeezed with discomfort.
Tanjiro had asked him again today, if he’d like to go out. Again, it had been nothing fancy. Swing by the arcade, go to the park, it was all mundane.
Why did I say no?
Kyojuro strode to the wall and picked up his towel, wiping the sweat from his brow before he turned and sat down, leaning his head against the wall.
It was just the same as before. A distinctive fear, like a threat was coming for him but he couldn’t place it. Where it was coming from, how to evade it, he didn’t know. But for some reason Tanjiro’s offer, with that serene smile and those eyes that held only the kindest intentions, those had gotten to him. He’d found himself laying out an excuse before he’d realized it, saying he’d been falling behind and wanted to make sure he was ready for the upcoming judo tournament. And again, Tanjiro’s expression hadn’t changed. It hadn’t fallen, he hadn’t looked disappointed or angry or even slightly perturbed.
He’d just nodded. “Of course! You’re so dedicated, that’s amazing! Then we’ll find another time! But, actually…”
He’d then been promptly dragged off by a couple of the other first years before he could finish his sentence, and only managed to offer a sheepish wave over his shoulder as Inosuke had practically carried him out the door, screeching about needing Tanjiro’s brains to help him with his homework.
Kyojuro sighed. The squeezing sensation had slipped away to be replaced with a pressing weight. Different from the never-ending pressure upon his shoulders, this one laid heavily upon his chest. He felt unsure and guilty, and he didn’t know what to do about it. For someone like him, not knowing how to deal with a situation was the most terrifying part.
I can’t be what he was expecting…he proposed me court basically out of shame, didn’t he?
Kyojuro knew his court-mate came from a very traditional family. Surely between the kiss and the heated moments within the closet Tanjiro had felt he had to ‘take responsibility’ or else why would he have done this? Initiated a courtship with an omega two years his senior whom he’d barely even known for a month? It was all mind-boggling. Kyojuro couldn’t have explained why he accepted, aside from the feeling of fleeting perfection he’d grasped when Tanjiro had held him like that. It had been glancing by here and there, when they held hands, when they were out together, when they talked, when he heard his phone whistle with the text tone he’d set for his alpha in particular.
My alpha?
The concept sent an unwelcome shiver up his spine.
Would he be ok with me thinking of him like that?
Kyojuro had never been one to doubt himself. Or, well, maybe that wasn’t quite right. He’d never doubted himself because he’d never thought much of himself to begin with, because all he did was work. He worked hard at everything, he kept his head down and powered through. He labored, no matter how hard the task, no matter the level of exhaustion, no matter how badly he wished to just shed all this responsibility and rest, he did his work. His mountains of work. To be the best in class, the strongest at judo, and to perform perfectly at every temp job be it running deliveries around the shopping district or helping restock bookstore shelves. It didn’t matter.
So he’d never thought about it, till Tanjiro had crash landed in his life and decided he may as well make himself at home. With all his nervousness, and that brilliant smile, and that expression that said simply seeing Kyojuro made him happy.
He squeezed his eyes shut to try and ignore the hot stinging behind them.
Who am I to deserve that from him?
Tanjiro, who had everything, and Kyojuro, who came from nothing.
Tanjiro, who was an ideal alpha, and Kyojuro, who was as atypical an omega as you possibly could have asked for.
Tanjiro, this boy who’d grasped his hand and smiled like it was the most incredible thing he’d ever done.
Kyojuro’s head was spinning, to the point he didn’t notice anyone coming into the club room, where he was sitting alone, till something cold touched his cheek.
“AH!” He flung a hand up, batting the offending item away and snapping his eyes open, one foot already coming under him.
He might’ve followed that with an uppercut if he hadn’t recognized who it was.
Tanjiro was holding a can of lemon sports drink from the vending machine in one hand, and in his other was a packet of the sweet potato chips that were Kyojuro’s favorite. He’d withdrawn his hand when Kyojuro had swatted at it, and his eyes glowed with a warm, amused smile. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you startled, Rengoku-san.”
The omega stared up at him with a blank, admittedly shocked, expression.
“Oh! Tanjiro! It’s you.” He managed.
“It’s me. Here, for you. I’m glad to see you’re taking a break. Shinobu-san said you’d go till Sensei kicked you out if no one else stopped you.”
He offered the drink again, and Kyojuro tried to calm his frantically beating heart as he accepted. Tanjiro slid down on the wall to sit next to him, passing the sweet potato chips from one hand to the other and holding them out as well. Kyojuro looked down at them a moment, then his eyes flitted back up to match Tanjiro’s.
“So you came to stop me?”
Tanjiro’s eyes rolled up towards the ceiling. “Nooo!” He extended the word playfully.
A grin rose on his cheeks as he dropped his eyes back down. “I just thought maybe I could bribe you with food. Is it working?”
Kyojuro blinked, but where he’d usually find a chuckle escaping, instead there was nothing. A hollow sense of worry plagued his heart, but he did accept the chips. He didn’t open them though, simply set them at his side next to his towel. Any quip or response sounded flat in his head, so he waited to long to give any of them. His hesitation didn’t go unnoticed.
Tanjiro’s grin softened into a thoughtful expression. “Are you alright?”
What a cruel question to ask.
Because of course he was fine. Kyojuro was always fine.
That didn’t mean anything.
Kyojuro pressed his lips together and tried to ignore the ache in his chest. After all, what was he even doing? Nothing was wrong. They were courting, even if maybe they weren’t doing it the typical way.
Tanjiro must’ve been fine with this, right?
Otherwise he would’ve left me by now.
Tanjiro was happy with him as he was, right?
If he’s not, could I change for him? What would he want from me?
Tanjiro wasn’t offended by his constantly being busy, right?
If he was, he’d have said something, wouldn’t he?
Tanjiro.
Tanjiro.
Tanjiro wanted him.
Didn’t he?
But how would I know? No ones ever wanted me before.
Kyojuro finally exhaled slowly. “I’m fine.”
Tanjiro made a one-note hum in the back of his throat. “Good.”
No pressing. Tanjiro was too sensitive, too conflict averse for that.
The alpha then leaned forward, pressing his hands to his knees and coming to a stand. “Then I’ll leave you too it, I know you prefer to do your extra training alone. Maybe we can do something this weekend?”
Don’t leave.
“Yeah, sure.”
“Awesome! I’ll see you tomorrow, then! Have a good night!”
Kyojuro watched him move towards the door, words sticking together in his head and tangling up in his throat.
Please. Please. Please don’t leave.
The sliding door shut, and Kyojuro hadn’t done anything to stop it.
That Weekend.
Kyojuro spun back, his foot lifting, heel connecting with the shoulder of the dummy stood in front of him. It was sent tumbling, crashing to the ground with a loud thud. His chest heaved. He’d been at it for over an hour without a break. As vice-president, he had a key to the indoor activities building, and he’d long ago cleared with the club advisor that he could use the room over the weekend so long as he cleaned up properly.
His muscles were sore from how hard he’d been pushing this week, and it was all just the violent throes of himself trying to escape his fears.
The welling concern, confusion, simply not knowing.
If Kyojuro could value one thing about his life, it was that he always knew what was expected of him. Perfect grades, perfect performance in judo lessons, and absolutely no poor behavior in school would be tolerated. Not that his Father was overly strict, just that he had a special way of targeting words to cut past any defense. Kyojuro would rather avoid giving him any extra ammo, and perhaps it was still some sliver of a child inside him, just wishing to please.
Omegian pursuits and frivolous desires were a waste of time, and so he disregarded them. That was really biting him in the ass now.
He had no clue of how to behave, how to express the jumble of emotions he was dealing with properly, so he was running away. Even today, even though for once he actually was free, he’d told Tanjiro he couldn’t do anything together. Tanjiro had replied that it was totally fine. To let him know if anything changed, because he was just planning to spend the day at home, and would be happy to come out at the last minute if he had too.
It was so considerate. So sweet, so kind.
But none of this is his fault.
Kyojuro leaned down and lifted the dummy back up, and he knew his expression looked clouded. It was because he was alone he could let it show, something truer than he’d let anyone around him ever see.
Even his alpha.
He still didn’t know if it was ok to think of Tanjiro like that. He hoped it was. The thought made him feel a warm buzz, made his beast feel content and settled in a way he could never remember it being, not even in the dim first moments of his presentation.
Robotic muscle memory took over as he started moving around and jabbing at the dummy again. It was easy to put his body on autopilot.
As his lungs began to burn and his muscles began to complain he only sped up. Unloading all his frustration onto the poor piece of stuffing and plastic in front of him.
None of this is his fault. And it’s all so new, it’s all so soon, I just…
Back spin, strike, slam.
And again. And again. Till his palms were sore and his body simply refused to cooperate for another set.
He didn’t feel any better.
What do I do?
This bundle of concern. Trying to place it under any one umbrella, desperately wishing he could be given another to-do list. Another series of things he could achieve that would mean everything would be perfect.
He wasn’t stupid. He recognized that wasn’t how relationships, much less romances, worked. It was meant to be natural, it was messy and confusing and god he just wished he could ask.
But I’m scared of his answer.
He swallowed the lump forming in his throat.
I’m scared he’ll admit it.
His hands reached up, raking back messy bangs and adjusting pointlessly at his ponytail holder, seeking work, seeking movement. Anything to pull his mind away.
If I ask him what he wants from this. From me. What if he says he doesn’t want me at all? What if what he wants from me, I can’t be? What if no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be what he’ll ask of me?
Like burning hot needles pressing through his eyes, welling over his lashes, and pouring out. The scalding streaks cut down his cheeks and he tightened his fists into his hair till it hurt, till he felt the individual strands being pulled taunt against his scalp.
And once he figures that out…why would he keep me?
All these hypotheticals were pathetic. He knew it, he saw it, a logical side raging that this was all pointless heartache when he was the one causing the issue. He was the one avoiding Tanjiro, what right did he have to get so upset? In this state, in a way he’d never dared to be in front of anyone, with tears rushing like a badly contained flood down his face, lip quivering, lungs burning, heart aching.
So caught up that for the second time in a week he failed to pay proper attention to his surroundings, figuring no one would bother to be in this building on a Saturday afternoon aside from him.
But footsteps were pounding up the hall.
The door was slid open with force, slamming into the wall as it went through it’s track.
Kyojuro froze, hands still in his hair, face still an absolute wreck of tears, and his heart stopped when he saw.
Through blurry swimming vision, he saw Tanjiro standing there, wearing casual clothes, mouth dropped half-open in shock. Slipping from his fingers to the ground was the familiar plastic bag from the local convenience store. Snacks and drinks tumbled out.
“Rengoku-san!” He burst out, a quick step said he was approaching.
Kyojuro flinched, his hands dropped from his hair to begin frantically wiping away the tears.
Tanjiro stopped the moment he saw how the omega pulled back from his approach, stood four or five paces away, and gazed at him. His face was carefully neutralized, no strong emotion showing.
Kyojuro hiccuped, poorly concealing a sob, cursing how now that they’d started, these damn tears just wouldn’t stop.
“…are you ok?”
Why would you ask me that!?
Kyojuro wanted to scream. Wanted to cry, but wait, he was already doing that. His hands, calloused and trembling, still scrubbing against his eyes till they felt raw. He was sure they must’ve been bloodshot and puffy.
“I’m…”
Fine.
I’m fine.
Can’t we talk about this tomorrow?
A half-broken whimper emerged from his mouth. He was so surprised at the sound he clapped his own hand over his mouth to stop another one. His shoulders were shaking now, this stalemate overwhelming him.
“Why…what…what do you want? From this?” He croaked.
God, I sound awful.
Throw that on the pile of things to worry over later.
Tanjiro hesitantly took another step closer. Kyojuro had to force himself not to seperate further once again. Three paces now, and the young alpha spoke. His voice was very carefully schooled down to keep from startling, he kept his words measured and soft. His expression stayed neutral. No smile, no frown. Just there.
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
“I just…”
Hiccup.
Stop crying!
The tears came harder as if to punish him for trying to hold them back.
“…I don’t…I’m not like this. I’m so-rry.”
Tanjiro shook his head softly. “It’s ok. I just want to understand why you’re upset, that’s all.”
“I…don’t know how to be. With you. I want…I just…”
All those badly understood, confusing, messy issues were piling up but they all came down to one question.
“How do you want me?”
Tanjiro’s carefully neutralized expression broke, and confusion took it’s place. His eyebrows knitted, his eyes flooded with a haze that seemed concerned, and for a moment he worried his bottom lip before he spoke.
“I still don’t…is this about how busy you are? I said it was fine! It’s…”
“It’s always fine!” Kyojuro roared it like it was all that was wrong with the world. Or he would have, but his throat was so tight and there were still so many tears that it came out more like a strangled whine.
Tanjiro’s eyes flashed, and his scent shifted. Kyojuro hadn’t noticed it till now. It was shifting, towards calm and easiness, trying to comfort his omegas distress.
His omega.
“Is it ok that I’m yours? Is it ok that you’re mine? I don’t…”
Hiccup. Curse the tears. Try again.
“…I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to screw this up. Please. I just…”
Sob. Scrub the tears harder, as if they’ll just go away if he forced it hard enough. Squeeze the words from his throat.
“…I never thought anyone would want me. Not like you do.”
He sucked down a few breaths, quick and fast to the point he felt light-headed.
Tanjiro seemed to finally have it click. For a moment, he looked so sad Kyojuro was furious with himself for breaking down like this. Even if he didn’t know Tanjiro was around, even if he hadn’t thought anyone would come to comfort him, he shouldn’t have. He should have always kept things under the surface.
But then the alpha took another step closer, two paces away now, he smiled in such a somber way Kyojuro was able to momentarily ignore the tears still slipping out between his fingers.
“I think I get it. I’m not sure. Please tell me if I’m wrong, ok? But…I like you a lot, Rengoku-san. And of course it’s ok that I’m yours and you’re mine, that’s how a courtship works, doesn’t it? And about how I’d like you best? If there was anything I’d change about you? Well…”
Tanjiro raised a hand, pushed back dark bangs in the same sort of way, as if searching for a way to busy himself. Kyojuro’s heart hammered fast enough it may as well have broken one of his ribs by now. The answer he’d feared all this time was about to come out, if or not he wanted to hear it.
“I wish you’d stop pushing yourself so hard.”
All the roaring panic screeched to a halt.
“Huh?” Kyojuro spat out this noise.
Tanjiro’s warm smile was still there, even if it was stained with a note of sadness. “You always strain so hard, don’t you? And I don’t quite know yet… if all this work and everything are things you want to do, or things you have to do, so maybe I’m just being self-centered here!” He waved his hands quickly as if to excuse that.
“But…you always seem to be trying so hard. And I admire that. I admire it so much, that you can do that every single day. But…maybe you can let me help you sometimes? I’m happy to do anything I can if it would let you relax some. And maybe you could talk to me if you’re confused or upset? I don’t know if I’ll be able to fix it…but I promise I’ll never be angry, and I’ll always take it seriously, no matter what.”
Kyojuro thought maybe it wasn’t fair. He was the older of the two of them, yet here Tanjiro was, stringing together these ideals so easily, as if he’d always had them in his head.
The alpha took another step, now an arms length away. His scent was still calming and encouraging Kyojuro to unwind. To open up.
He was pressing his lip together to avoid any more unwanted noises getting out. Meanwhile, Tanjiro put his arms out. “I guess what I’m saying is…I want you to let me help you. And even if you’re not ok with that yet…that’s…ok.”
That pregnant pause. It hadn’t sounded ok.
“It’s just…you’re real hard to read, Rengoku-san.” Tanjiro admitted, a wry expression took over the smile for a moment.
“I’ve been trying. I thought maybe you weren’t feeling well this week, but I guess I was off. But I’ll get better. I’ll change, too. We can do this, ok? I’d never…”
He’d never finish that sentence because Kyojuro had just abruptly tackled him. Tanjiro was shorter, so Kyojuro’s shoulders sloped and his spine curved to get down to him, but that was fine. He hid his torn-up face in the alphas shoulder and kept working on concealing the sobs. He’d have to apologize later for how he was getting his sweater’s shoulder completely soaked with tears.
Tanjiro embraced him immediately, without a moments hesitation. He rubbed soothing circles against his back.
“I want…”
Hiccup. Stupid stupid stupid tears. Try again.
“…I want to be better.”
Tanjiro’s huff against his ear almost sounded amused. “You think like that about everything, don’t you?”
It was a bit forceful, but Tanjiro pulled back, and in a level of closeness they hadn’t reached their whole courtship, he cupped the omegas face in his hands. His thumb swiped under one of the golden-red ringed eyes.
In a moment of stunning, distinct, snapshot quality, Kyojuro saw it.
A smile, and eyes that bled so much fondness despite how the omega looked an absolute wreck with messy sweaty hair, swollen bloodshot eyes and tears still coursing over his cheeks.
Tanjiro spoke the next words in a whisper, almost under his breath.
“You’re perfect.”
Kyojuro hated the weak whimper that got out of him again. Tanjiro’s scent grew headier, the noise had gotten free more from Kyojuro’s beast to trigger such a thing. It was good, it flooded his mind and the anxiety began to ebb away. It didn’t disappear. It probably never would.
No matter.
He surged forward against Tanjiro’s hands and kissed him. The alpha didn’t try to stop him, far from it. They melted together, and by the time they broke apart, Kyojuro finally managed to stem his tears. Suddenly, he jerked away, raising his arms, pulling up the sleeves of his white judo uniform and wiping at his face. “I…ugh…sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” Tanjiro insisted, one hand going up to brush back down his mussed brown hair.
Kyojuro finally dropped his arms again. The carefully pinned-up smile was far away. He felt tired, and heavy, and his eyes felt hollow from crying so much.
Tanjiro dropped his head to one side, his expression still overwhelmingly fond. “…do you want to get something to eat?”
Well, it was pretty clear Tanjiro had already figured out the way make Kyojuro feel better, and despite everything that had just happened, Kyojuro found his lips twitching upward. It wasn’t a smile. It was hardly escaping a quivering, broken expression that might’ve read as even more upset in another situation. But it wasn’t. It was easing. Settling.
Just like his alpha who was standing here, who had been here this whole time, and Kyojuro had just been to scared to rely on him.
“Yes. I’d like that.”
“Perfect! I can clean this up if you want to change?”
Kyojuro was about to protest, but recalled how insistent Tanjiro had been to let him help. Even if it were the smallest of things, the tiniest of burdens to take away.
“Ok.” He accepted the offer, and somehow that made Tanjiro smile again.
Kyojuro picked up his towel and water bottle from the wall by the door as Tanjiro began to fold the mat he’d been using.
“Rengoku-san! Pick where ever you wanna go, ok? My treat, so think about it!” Tanjiro called after him.
The omega looked down at the water bottle in his hands before he sent a weary glance back over his shoulder. He was still tired. Emotionally drained. But somehow, it came out with all his usual bluntness. “Kyojuro.”
Tanjiro froze halfway through lifting the mat. “…what?”
“Kyojuro. We’re courting aren’t we? About time you called me by my given name.”
Another snapshot moment, where Tanjiro had both hands grasping at the mat, but gave him a brilliant smile, eyes widened and lighting up like flickering candlelight.
“Kyojuro…or, Kyo? Kyo is cute…” Tanjiro seemed to think this to himself, mumbling, but his eyes did dart to the omega expectantly.
Kyojuro had raised his water bottle to his lips and downed a few swallows as Tanjiro had been muttering to himself.
He lowered his bottle, still looking back over his shoulder framed in the doorway. For a moment, it was a level, unimpressed stare, and Tanjiro gave a weary chuckle. “Ok, ok, too soon! Sorry…”
Kyojuro thought about it, then shrugged. “Call me whatever you want. I’m yours, after all.”
He left, walking up the hall towards the locker room before he could think any harder about what he’d said.
A shame, considering he’d missed how Tanjiro had gone scarlet straight up to his ears.
But that was alright. He’d keep trying.
And maybe that meant letting himself fall further in love, and be more vulnerable than he’d ever felt he could allow before.
That was alright. In fact, he suddenly had a surge of confidence, that everything would be just fine.