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It's been around.. what 4 years since he last saw them right? Tsukasa couldn't remember the last time he saw their faces, his old troupe members. Rui, Emu and Nene. He dearly missed them, though he was happy that all 3 of them found their own happiness. Rui accepting the job as being a director at Arcland, Nene finding confidence in herself and singing at large operas and theaters and Emu preforming at large theme parks internationally.
He was happy, happy that all of them finally reached their goal, their dream. They get to be center stage. They have achieved something that, well, Tsukasa didn't get himself. He was left alone, his parents were out overseas because of their new job. While Saki's band, despite their weaknesses, got big around a year ago and now they get to travel around Japan hosting concerts that made people smile.
...
Making people smile, Tsukasa missed that feeling. He missed the feeling of seeing all those families who went to their shows and left out smiling brightly. Now here he is, playing a old but elegant piano near a small crowd of people. In a house far away from where he used to be, a house near the sea side area. He left the old house full of diffrent memories, it was probably for the greater good.
After all his friends left taking on their own dreams Tsukasa gave up on his 'world star' goal and took up a old talent of his. The piano. His mother taught him how to play it when he was a kid since she was a piano teacher back then. He was quite talented to say the least, the quiet yet expressive melody that played whenever he plays a song makes everyone speechless yet greatly impressed.
Tsukasa didn't know what to feel about everything changing. He missed the past where everything was fine, he wasn't alone. He had friends right beside him. He saw everyone smile with him. He just couldn't escape the memories of the past, they were all too precious for him. He was the star who is trapped in the past.
———————–—————————–——☆
It was a quiet and normal day for Tsukasa. Everyday he wakes up and goes out to do his side job as a café waiter. It was a simple job, kinda, he almost split the drinks when he first got the job. But after a while he got used to it, the café wasn't all fancy and stuff, it was just a normal and relaxing area. He enjoyed being around people and seeing them happy when they get their drinks. It reminded him of what used to be a wonderful everyday life.
He got ready for work until he saw a text message from someone, Tsukasa didn't think it was Rui, Emu or Nene since they have a busy schedule for the summer so who could it be?
.
.
.
<"Hey Kasa, you might not remember me since it's been a while. Wanna come to the park with me? Just the two of us. -Akito.">
Akito..? Tsukasa hasn't heard of him after highschool. The two became really close at the end of highschool but drifted apart near collage but they kinda text eachother.. (Barely.) He hasn't heard news about him other than his group achieved their goal on surpassing a event called "RAD WEEKEND." 2 years ago.
How wonderful.
Akito was in a group with another one of Tsukasa's old friends, Touya, he considered him to be a younger brother due to how close they were as kids.
Tsukasa was delighted to hear the news of them finally achieving their goal. Surprassing such a large event filled with proffesionals is truly breathtaking and incredible for them to do. Tsukasa started to message Akito back.
.
.
.
<"Hihi Akito! I'd be glad to go with the park with you! Just uh, when will we go haha?">
To Tsukasa's surprise Akito messaged him back quickly.
<"Tomorrow.">
<"Not today? My shift ends early and the rest of my day is just practicing the piano..">
<"Oh, alright then, 6 PM. I'll see you soon, Kasa.">
Tsukasa was a little bit excited to see his old.. friend? Tsukasa remembered that the two boys were close at the end of highschool. To be frank, at the start Akito usually teased Tsukasa with his fear of bugs and almost actively avoided him at any cost, unless Touya's watching him. Tsukasa wondered why out of everyone Akito asked him to go to the park with him, with just the two of them alone, but either way he was enthusiastic for their meet-up.
Tsukasa's shift was done and so he cleaned up and he waved goodbye to his co-workers then walked off to the area Akito told him to go. The sun looked like it was already setting making the atmosphere calm and relaxing for Tsukasa. It all felt like he was in the past again, the relaxing atmosphere Phoenix Wonderland had was something Tsukasa loved. He felt like a kid back then, a enthusiastic and bright kid. Yet he was a fool back then, a fool and a selfish child he was. He couldn't forget the memories that tormented his mind. The day where everything went wrong when the troupe first formed.
Tsukasa could feel a heavy weight on his chest after remembering that day. He hated it, he hated his past, he hated everything about what he did to them in the past. He hated himself for everything.
Before Tsukasa knew it he was standing infront of the park with small drops of tears going down his face. He quickly tried to find a hiding place to calm himself down. Tsukasa sat behind a tree and let out small and quiet sobs so nobody can hear him. He took a deep breath and slowly calmed down, he wiped his tears and rubbed his eyes and sat on a nearby bench looking at the far sea that was beside the park. Still, he looked like a sobbing mess.
It was shining a orange hue since the sun was setting, it looked beautiful and warm. The sea must be really peaceful and quiet to stay in forever. The sound of the splashing waves and the feeling of looking at the wonderful sealife looked promising to Tsukasa. He wonders how it feels like to be sinking down to the bottom of the sea..
"Oi, Kasa. You're here early."
Tsukasa looked over and saw a ginger man approaching the lone bench waving at him.
"Haha, you know that I always arrive early. Nice to see you again Akito."
Akito sat beside Tsukasa and tried to remember what he wanted to say to him. Though as he looked at Tsukasa's face he noticed that he had been crying as his eyes looked puffy and red.
"So.. why did you want to meet up with me Akito? If you wanted someone to talk to I'm probably not the best option for that haha.."
"I just wanted to see you again. I know that all your friends have been quite busy since I've seen them on the news, sometimes." Akito slowly looked away from Tsukasa's face and looked up at the leaves of the tree above them.
"Oh yeah, they've finally reached their dream, I'm really happy for them. They accomplished what they wanted to do, and they did it because they were hardworking, smart, talented,"
"..."
"It's unfortunate for me to stay behind but.. I'm glad, really glad."
"..Are you really okay about this Tsukasa?"
Akito's words left Tsukasa speechless, was he really okay..? Was he happy that they've done what he couldn't do? He doesn't hate his friends. He loved them all dearly, though, when his dream was to be a star he clearly knew that he had to
leave them behind. He needed to leave them like how they all left them for their own dreams. How ironic.
If only they had more time, if only he could stay with them once again, just like in the past. They could all hang out, smile, laugh, cry. Why can't he just accept that they're gone? He knew damn well that it was gonna happen sooner or later, so why.. why does it hurt right now..?
"I.. uhm.. it's getting late haha, talk to you later Akito..!"
Tsukasa said that to dodge Akito's question, then stood up and tried to run away from the park. Akito couldn't accept this as an answer and grabbed Tsukasa's arm before he could run. Tsukasa felt uncomfortable knowing that Akito wouldn't let go from past experiences, so he sighed and accepted defeat.
"I–I'm sorry.. Kasa.. I shouldn't had said that. That was stupid of me." Akito let Tsukasa's arm go and looked away.
"It's fine Akito.. really. I just.. overreacted." Tsukasa gave Akito a warm smile, kinda struggling to get the right words out of his mouth.
"No no it's my fault I shouldn't have said that to someone I lo— Ehem, Someone I-I care about dearly." Akito stuttered out as he looked away.
"..That's sweet of you Akito. You really changed a lot throughout the years you know?" Tsukasa let out a small giggle.
"Yeah whatever, also, did you know that there's a spider on your arm?"
"WAH?! WHERE?!" Tsukasa jumped up and checked his arms for the bug.
"Hah! Just joking." Akito let out a laugh seeing the blondes reaction. "You're still scared of bugs? I thought you got over them a long time ago."
"Well I..! ..Okay maybe I haven't got used to be fully but I'm not scared of most of them now!!"
"Alright then Kasa.. now, shall we continue our chat?" Akito positioned himself and tapped a empty spot on the bench for Tsukasa to sit on.
"Very well then..!"
The two talked for hours on end, Akito enjoyed the time he was spending with Tsukasa. They both caught up with eachothers daily lives and such. Akito was very busy doing live shows with his group, they get offers to diffrent venues ever since they surpassed RAD WEEKEND. Akito found it a bit annoying but got used to it since this is what he wanted ever since he was a kid.
Tsukasa didn't know what to feel other than happiness for Akito, he knew that beating that event was Akito's one and only goal. He worked so hard to reach it and now here he is, he achieved it, he's with his group preforming for everyone to see. Everyone to smile at.
The two men said their goodbyes as the moon started to show itself over the deep blue sea beside them.
———————–—————————–——☆
Tsukasa walked slowly with his head down to his house after talking with Akito, with a concerned look on his face. He hasn't gotten those words out of his head.. "..Are you really okay about this Tsukasa?" .. He didn't know, he didn't know. Tsukasa didn't understand why just a simple question still lingered in his mind. It was stupid, he couldn't move on. He couldn't move on from the past. He just couldn't find himself answering that simple question.
Tsukasa finally arrived on the doorstep to his house, he quickly opened the door to a empty, souless house and sat on the floor, his back on the door while taking deep breaths to stop him from crying again. Why was he panicking over something so miniscule? He just had a nice conversation with Akito a few minutes ago and now he's sitting on the floor panicking over a stupid question.
Even after everything good that had been happening, his friends becoming successful with their jobs. He didn't want to know what the future holds for him, everyones already gone, why was he so worried for losing something that didn't exist anymore?
Tsukasa slowly but barely calmed himself down just for a moment and got up, he shakily walked over to a lone piano in the corner of his house. He put his hands on the keys and played a song.
The melody of the song was loud, uncertain. Very diffrent from the songs he used to play. It felt like he was venting out all the frustration and sadness he had onto a piano, the quiet and empty areas of the house lit up with the sound of music. As Tsukasa played the song his face looked pale, empty. His eyes were lifeless almost like he was a puppet.
Tsukass ended the song with a note that felt unfinished, the ending felt like there was more but no. That single note reminded Tsukasa that his song (Life) isn't finished. The future that Tsukasa wanted didn't happen, his dream of being a star ended abruptly that he didn't know what to do now.
Everything used to be perfect.
He had a perfect image.
He had a perfect family. (bit of a stretch)
He had a perfect friend group.
It used to be so easy in the past. But now, he doesn't know what to do anymore. What was he supposed to do? Everything he did in the past shaped his future to be like this, Rui got his job because Tsukasa's acting was instructed by Rui and his magnificent scripts, Nene got her confidence to stand on stage because Tsukasa coached her and Emu getting international because Tsukasa was a great inspiration for her to move on and eventually hit big. (another stretch for emu ehlp)
One thing that repeats each time was that they all surpass him in talent in the future. Rui is a talented leader, Nene is a talented singer, Emu is a talented actor. All of those things Tsukasa used to be good at, but now, he's just a ordinary person compared to the 3 of them. Tsukasa finally understood why he had a 'starlike' persona back in highschool, he wanted others to see him as something other than another student roaming the building.
He wanted to get attention from others, he wanted to look like a whole diffrent person than who he truly was. He used this persona more than his real personality back then, Tsukasa would've lied if he said he didn't enjoy it. He didn't like his personality, he didn't like who he truly was. He tried so much to not show this side of who he was from others. He was scared that they'll think of him diffrently now that they've seen what a boring, bland person Tsukasa actually was.
"..."
"I should go to bed."
"It's getting too late."
Tsukasa stood up from the piano and walked up the stairs leading him to the 'bedroom' he had. Items scattered almost everywhere while the bed was undone. Tsukasa sighed at the sight of his room and cleaned up the messy room filled with plushies, note sheets and.. show scripts.
Tsukasa kept the old scripts from the shows he played in. He had fond memories of the shows of the past, it was exciting to see the audience laugh smile and clap when it's over.
It was fun.
Fun.
Tsukasa fixed his bed and closed his eyes, the cold air of the room made it hard for him to fully sleep but somehow he managed to sleep after a while. Finally, he could have a small break from everything that had happened.
His sleep was surprisingly, peaceful, no nightmares, no outside distractions, only a quiet dream. It was nice.
He was with his friends again, his family.
He was standing center stage again.
Though he couldn't sleep in the past forever, eventually he'll have to wake up to the present day he lives in. To Tsukasa, it was unfortunate, he wanted to close his eyes forever and relive the past.
...
Ah..
Close his eyes forever huh..?
Tsukasa could only think of one option to do that.
All he had to do is—
..
The sound of a buzz from Tsukasa's phone made him snap back from these thoughts. It was another message from Akito.. .. Tsukasa was a bit confused on why he was messaging him.
.
.
<"Hey uhm, sorry about yesterday once again. About that question specifically, it was kinda stupid of me to say that soo.. sorry again."
Tsukasa was surprised that Akito was apologizing to him since he already apologized to him yesterday. Tsukasa felt bad that Akito was beating himself up because of his reaction to a question that Akito asked out of concern.
.
.
<"No, no it's fine Akito! I'm the one who overreacted to that. I should be the one saying sorry to you yesterday, I just couldn't get the words out of my mouth properly..! If you don't mind.. maybe we can hang out again?">
<"..I guess we're both in the wrong ay? Anyway, we can meet again soon, my group is going to preform tomorrow night so I guess you can meet me at this place. ###### #####, Hope you enjoy it there Kasa.">
<"I will! See you soon Akito!">
And with that Tsukasa closed his phone and sighed. At least that settled nicely, thought this could've been avoided if Tsukasa wasn't stubborn to admit his unhappiness. Tsukasa opened his curtains and saw the sun covered by a bunch of dark clouds.. huh that reminds him of something.
Hah, nevermind!
He didn't know what to do today, it was a Saturday so he had no work for today as a little thank you gift from the manager. He walked down the stairs to make himself breakfast and made a quick glace at the piano that was left empty. Tsukasa didn't think much of it after what happened yesterday, he just wanted to eat.
Tsukasa made a small meal for him and his.. .. he made a small meal for him and himself to enjoy. It was just a simple salad and orange juice, he enjoyed it though, it felt like he was a kid again. It reminded him when he made his own meals as a kid and always made extras for his sister, Saki. He promised to always bring her something whenever he visits the hospital and so he started making small snacks for her to eat.
It's funny that he learned a lot when he was a kid, nobody taught him anything so he learned to do it himself. It all didn't go to waste though, he took care of his friends well and they seemed to enjoy it like he did. Tsukasa slowly smiles at this thought and cleaned up.
———————–—————————–——☆
He decided to take a little stroll outside, as he didn't have a goal to do so it was a 'break' from everything once again. The sun shining on his face while the wind carries the leaves was calming to him, this feeling was familiar to him. Tsukasa walked over to the nearby park that he went yesterday that was near the sea. The sea, the splashing waves made everything much more perfect than it already was.
He closed his eyes holding onto the railing he was grabbing on and imagined the far past, the past where he had an actual goal in mind, being a star. He can finally be validated even if that validation is only to the one that he shows to everyone, a fabricated personality.
Before he could open his eyes it started to rain, the drops of water quickly soaked Tsukasa's clothes and hair. Tsukasa realized what was happening and ran to a nearby tree and rest his back on it. Small raindrops still went on his face but that didn't bother him, what did is that he probably had to stay here until the rain is over.
But to his luck 2 figures walked by and saw him in this unlucky moment. One had long blackish blue hair while had short dark purple hair. Tsukasa recognized one of them and it seems like the other recognized him too. The 2 figures ran up to him and handed him a spare umbrella and a handkerchief. Tsukasa greeted the two.
"Why hello there Ichika! It's been a while hasn't it?"
"Ah, yeah it has been Tsukasa-san."
"You seem to be doing well since we last met! And you.. I don't think I've seen you before..!" Tsukasa looked at the mysterious figure beside Ichika.
"Oh right! This is Asahina Mafuyu, I'm not sure if you heard of him before. We went to the same college so haha-"
"Hello there."
"Well nice to meet you Asahina! The name is Tenma Tsukasa! You seem like a interesting individual, I feel like I've heard of you before though.." Tsukasa put his hand on his chin and rubbed it trying to think of the times he had heard of Mafuyu's name.
"Do you mean Mizuki? They've talked about you before, as well as your old high school friends."
"Ah Akiyama! I remember they told me about small a group they are in! I think there were 4 including them and one of them seemed to be you Asahina!"
"I guess you could say that."
"It's nice that both of you are getting along, Kanade-san would be happy to hear this.. Kanade-san! Mafuyu-san we forgot Kanade-san at the music store!" Ichika grabbed Mafuyu's hand in a panic.
"Huh? Oh, we should go get her."
"You what now?"
"Hah funny story Tsukasa-san— Would you mind if you joined us?"
"No not at all! I would gladly join you both!" Cheerfully said excited to see this new character.
The 3 immediately made their way to the music store and started searching for a individual known as Kanade. Mafuyu then found her staring at the miku CD's at the corner of the store. Ichika introduced Tsukasa to Kanade who was hiding behind Mafuyu's back.
"So uh, this is Yoisaki Kanade, Tsukasa-san..!" Ichika stuttered out.
"She seems a little bit scared of me Ichika.." Tsukasa looked at the shy girl wearing a blue sweater and some shorts.
"She just doesn't like the bright lights of this store." Mafuyu said while patting Kanade's head.
"I- I see then!"
"Kanade you should properly introduce yourself to Tenma-san."
"O-Okay.."
Kanade slowly looked over Mafuyu's back and waved to Tsukasa who cheerfully waved back at her. Kanade got a bit freaked out and whispered to Mafuyu's ear.
"Mafuyu I have a bad feeling about him.."
"Why is that?"
"It's that.. he feels like I'm talking to you in the past. But it's a bit diffrent, he's more.. empty.. lonely. Like he's lost something, like he's lost a part of himself.."
"What do you mean by that?"
"His smile doesn't feel real to me. Well.. he just doesn't feel real to me. Everything about him seems fake."
"..."
"It's just unnerving to me.. I don't like seeing people like th–"
"Uhm, excuse me? Yoisaki? Asahina? Are you there? Both of you have been whispering to eachother for a bit.."
"Oh sorry Tenma-san, we were just talking about the music here. By the way where is Ichika-san?"
"Ah! She had to leave because of a important meeting with her band and stuff! She told me to say that she was sorry for the sudden departure!"
"Ahh.. alright, we both should go then. Mizuki and Ena are gonna get mad at us if we return late." Mafuyu held Kanade's hand as a sign that they were gonna leave.
"Mhm.." Kanade slowly nodded.
"Alright then! See you! Yoisaki and Asahina!"
Mafuyu and Kanade waved goodbye to Tsukasa and left the music store. As they left Tsukasa's smile turned deadpan. He was exhausted for how long he kept that up, though he's glad that the 3 of them get along with eachother well. Mafuyu reminds him of Rui, Kanade reminds him of Nene and Ichika reminds him of a more timid Emu. It felt like he was with his friends once again, how many times did he feel like this again..?
Tsukasa went out of the store just it time for the rain to stop. It was refreshing to see the clouds slowly drift away from the blue sky while the sun slowly shows itself.
"..Kanade."
"You're right about Tenma-san."
"He acts just like me in the past."
———————–—————————–——☆
Tsukasa quickly went to his house and cleaned himself and his clothes since it was still a bit dirty. Once again he looked at his phone and saw another message, this time it wasn't from Akito.
.
.
<"Ah Tsukasa-kun~ It's me Rui! Sorry for being a bit inactive these days, the manager wanted me to make diffrent scripts for diffrent shows since they started another buissness around here-">
<"–I might've stayed up late because of this but I managed to complete most of the scripts that pleased them. Though I still have one left that I needed your help with since you're better at writing scripts than me haha~">
<"Uhm.. okay Rui! What is it?">
<"They said something about a 'A person who can't move on from the past but somehow overcame it.' I really don't know how to give this one a ending of such so.. what do you think Tsukasa-kun?">
<"A person who can't move on huh?.. Maybe they had something great in the past and lost it, because they didn't want to lose that feeling they started acting strange. And after a little help from their friends they finally accepted that this is their present and maybe start thinking of the future with them..? Sorry if it's a bit complicated Rui.">
<"No no, it's perfect! I can probably make this into a script and finish it by tomorrow, thanks for the help Tsukasa-kun~! I'll talk to you soon!">
Tsukasa was glad that he could help Rui with his busy schedule. Though he was worried that Rui might be too overworked for his own good. Rui is a hardworking and kind person to Tsukasa, even if others call them both weird for hanging out with eachother. Tsukasa enjoys Rui's company and he's sure that Rui enjoys his time with Tsukasa.
Both of them deeply cared for eachother so that made Rui's decision to join Arcland more painful to the both of them. Tsukasa did support his decision as well as Emu and Nene, all 4 of them promised to stay in touch with eachother as they all drifted apart.
Tsukasa made himself lunch (Just a normal sandwich and some water.) Then made his way to the piano, he felt the same as usual and so he opened the window beside him and started playing a song. Tsukasa does this often and it seemed like the neighborhood enjoys this too, sometimes a small crowd come by to listen to the music of the piano.
They even dance along to the music like a ballroom, Tsukasa was happy that they enjoyed it. The smiles on their faces as they sang and danced around made Tsukasa feel like he wasn't alone anymore, he was back from where he started in the past, without the horrible memories overtaking his mind.
It started to get a bit dark and so the small crowd said their goodbyes to Tsukasa and left. Tsukasa closed the window and curtains and went upstairs to his rather clean and orginized room. It was still cold, but he didn't care at this point. He just closed his eyes and saw nothing but black.
"They're gone."
"There was nothing I could do."
"I'm a failure."
"I can't do anything without them."
———————–—————————–——☆
It was today that Akito said his group was preforming. Tsukasa woke up a bit late today but he's thrilled to see what they are going to sing tonight, and so he waited near the area Akito told him where it supposedly was.
To his surprise Akito jumped from the back as he was looking off in the distance.
"WAHH! Who's there?!" Tsukasa jumped up with a loud scream.
"Haha! It's me Kasa, don't worry."
"Argh of course! Even if it's been 4 years you're still messing with me!" Tsukasa pouts.
"It's quite easy to get a reaction out of you so you're always my first choice."
"Well that is uh— fun?"
"Hah, I guess. Anyway what're you doing out here Kasa? Don't you want to wait inside with everyone?" Akito started to lean his back on the railing while looking at Tsukasa's face.
"I just.. wanted to look at the sea, it's much more quieter but it doesn't make me feel alone. The sound of the birds and splashing waves reminds me of the past." Tsukasa looked at the vast ocean that's around them.
"Oh really..? Hm.. it is quite peaceful here, just the two of us watching the sea together." Akito looked at where Tsukasa was looking and smiled.
"It is nice.."
"You know, Tsukasa.. I've always wanted to tell you something for a while. Maybe even since high school." Akito stood up and grabbed Tsukasa's arm.
"Eh? What is it Akito?"
"It's that uhm.. I.." Akito struggled to get the words out of his mouth, his face and ears had a red-ish pink tint.
"I.. lo–"
"Akito it's almost time get your ass back here!" A familiar voice yelled from inside the venue.
"Ah.. that must be An. Sorry I gotta go, I'll tell you later." Akito quickly ran into the venue face to neck dyed with a soft color red.
"It's fine, I'll be watching..!"
Akito hurried off into the venue while Tsukasa took one last look at the sea and went inside as well, still thinking about what Akito was going to say to him. Does he love him..? They were close but Tsukasa didn't know Akito grew feelings for him. Tsukasa thought long and hard for this decision and he just couldn't ignore it now that someone loves him.
"Akito.. I'm so sorry for this."
———————–—————————–——☆
The start of the preformance was amazing, everyone did just as great as before. Vivid BAD SQUAD deserved their rise, they were all talented in their own ways. Their voices match up with eachother, they're always in sync with eachother. They sure practiced a whole lot to do these spectacular shows.
Tsukasa couldn't do any of that though, he was alone. Whenever he practices anything it'll just be in vain, nobody was there to help. He can't do anything, he can't do anything at all. He's just using others for his own selfish dream.
Before the preformance ended Tsukasa quickly walked out of the venue and took a stroll near the sea to collect his thoughts. He sat down on the sand getting his clothes a bit wet from the waves but he didn't mind. Tsukasa looked up at the setting sun seeing the clouds that are right above him. He tried reaching his hand out but slowly brought it back down to him, he then looked at the vast ocean that is right in front of him.
"..."
"Closing my eyes forever.."
"In a cold.. black and empty ocean."
"..Hahaha .. I can finally reach the sky filled with the stars and clouds."
Tsukasa stood up from the sand and slowly walked into the sea, it was cold but of course he did not care. The more he walks the more he sinks down, until he finally reaches the part where he couldn't rise back up. He positioned his back against the sea floor and closed his eyes until he fully drowned.
Tsukasa struggled for a while, he didn't understand why he was struggling.
He wanted this, but his body didn't want to accept it.
His lungs felt like they were burning even if he was underwater.
He was second guessing himself.
It was painful.
But, it wasn't equal to the amount of pain he felt when he was left all alone.
"...Ah .."
"I'm finally back home."
There was nothing that could be heard other than the splashing sounds of water. And the voice of a clueless lover.
"Oi Kasa where are you?"
. . .
"Kasa..?"
. . .
"Tsukasa..!"