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Hyunjin's brain was on fire, quite literally. There was too much going on inside of it and they couldn't think of what actually was wrong because their goddamn brain wouldn't stop its background noise.
It was just too loud around them. In between the History class that they despised (especially because of the teacher that seemed to have something against them), the chichatting of the other students, the bad sound quality of the movie extract their teacher was showing them, the awful sound of the projector and the clicking noise of electricity that the badly turned off neon light made … they were about to explode.
On top of everything they were too hot, the uniform pants they had on were hugging their legs too tight and the shirt (that they knew for sure wasn't theirs but one of the twins') had a tag that kept rubbing the nape of their neck and it was just … extremely irritating.
Nothing felt right at the moment. Their head was on fire and the only thing they wanted to do was run out of there.
Yet their butt was literally stuck to the wooden chair that they called theirs. Their seat was the one that stood closest to the teachers' desk, in the front row but still the furthest from the door. It had been assigned to them as it had been last year and the year before. And although they usually didn't dislike it, being the closest to the teacher's desk meant that they constantly had eyes over them, especially with this teacher. With him there was no amount of even subtle fidgeting allowed, no sign language either (despite Hyunjin using that to regulate and slightly communicate with Yeji). The man would always call Hyunjin out but allow the other students to whisper to each other and if Hyunjin would start drawing on their History copybook even just a little it was the end of the world.
So Hyunjin knew they couldn't try to distract themself as of right now and it definitely wasn't helping at all. They just couldn't calm down.
The sound of the documentary stopped and the images that Hyunjin wasn't paying attention to disappeared. The teacher turned off the projector and Hyunjin would have been happy about it if it wasn't for the neons being turned back on with their annoying noises and unsteadiness.
On top of that, the man's annoying voice could now be heard so Hyunjin tried to force themself to zone out, to put their brain in pause but it wasn't working.
"So what can you tell me about this extract?"
A few hand raised but definitely not Hyunjin's.
"Bang Hyunjin. Tell me what you could see."
They didn't even remember what the whole class was about and hadn't been able to follow the video at all, much too distracted by everything else going on.
"Hyunjin, I'm waiting.", the teacher insisted.
Hyunjin opened their mouth to say that they didn't know but nothing came and they knew it was just too much. So they shook their head no and tried their best to stay still but they couldn't, they just couldn't when the teacher started insisting even more … so they got up and walked out of the room.
"Bang Hyunjin!", the teacher called. "Hyunjin! Where are you going?"
But even if they wanted to tell him what was going on they weren't able to talk at the moment. They couldn't just say that they needed a break but honestly with this teacher even if they could they wouldn't have. Multiple times already, this specific asshole of a teacher had already turned them down when they asked to go out.
"He must have gotten his period, I want a girl to go with him."
"It's them.", Hyunjin heard a feminine voice say as they were just outside the door.
"And what if they really had their period? What's wrong with that? Come on!", someone else said.
"I don't want to hear anything from you, Han Hwajoon. Get out with your boyfriend if you want to support that sissy. You too Yeji. Out of my class!"
Hyunjin could still hear their teacher talking about them, they were sitting outside on the floor, hands over their ears, everything was too uncomfortable, everything was aching, nothing felt right.
Yeji and Hwajoon came out of the classroom together. Hwajoon had Hyunjin's backpack over his shoulder. They both knew that Hyunjin would probably not stay at school that day.
"Hey, Sammy, can you get up?", she asked softly.
Hyunjin shook their head no.
"Do you want me to go get Jisung or Yongbok?"
Again they shook their head no.
"How about we bring you to the nurse's office?", Hwajoon asked them.
It took a minute or two before Hyunjin answered but they knew that staying on the floor in front of the classroom wasn't the best way to actually calm down.
So they nodded and Hwajoon handed out his hand for Hyunjin to hold onto.
Hyunjin hesitated, they didn't really feel like touching hands, they didn't feel like touching anything at all, their own hands touching one another right now felt like too much. But it was Hwajoon's hand and Hwajoon was somewhat their crush.
Hyunjin reached their hand out but as soon as they touched Hwajoon's it was like electricity went through their arm but it wasn't good electricity, it was painful. If any sound would voluntarily get out of their mouth it would be a "ouch!", instead a pitiful whine came out and their hand went directly to their chest, it hurt.
"Joon-ah, Sammy doesn't really do well with hands most of the time.", Yeji said.
"Oh, no problem. Hum, can you get up by yourself?"
Hyunjin nodded and got up as well as they could and started to walk toward the nurse office, looking at their feet the whole way. It was just too much otherwise.
As they walked, Yeji asked Hwajoon to go to the main office for the both of them while she came all the way down to the nurse office with Hyunjin. It wasn't the first time such incidents happened with Hyunjin and Yeji more often than not was asked to get out of the classroom with them. But it also meant that she often had to explain and justify why she wasn't in class to the main office staff … And today was the first time Hwajoon was excluded from the class so she quickly told him about the process, grabbed Hyunjin's bag from his shoulder and continued her way to the nurse office.
When they arrived there, Felix was sitting in the waiting room.
"Sam?", he asked. "What's happening?"
"Everything is loud. Even my hair over my ears …", Hyunjin signed.
"Hum.", Felix answered. "Do you happen to have your defenders in your locker?"
Hyunjin nodded. When they were younger they had custom made earplugs that they constantly wore but they had long outgrown the devices and refused to get new ones, knowing how uncomfortable the audiologist molding paste felt in their ears. So now it was just a constant battle against the sounds of the world and some days like today, it just got too much.
"Can you go get them or do I ask Yeji?", Felix signed.
"Yeji."
Felix did a quick job of getting up and going to Yeji that was just standing by the nurse's door that she had just knocked onto on Hyunjin's behalf.
But as he stood close to her, he froze for a few seconds, licking his lips repeatedly. And when he was back to himself, he wasn't sure what he was gonna ask for anymore.
"Headphones.", Hyunjin signed when Felix looked over.
"Oh right. Yeji-ah could you please go get Sammy's ear defenders in their locker please. I would have gone but I'm not allowed.", the 15 year old boy said.
"Oh? Really?"
"I've been having seizures since this morning."
"What are you still doing here then?"
"I'm waiting for Dad. Do you know Hyunjin's locker code?"
"Yes I do, I'm gonna get them their stuff. Here, you should try to tie Sam's hair if they let you.", she then said, handing him her hair ties. "I'm not getting my hands in their hair but if they let you … they are pretty overwhelmed and Mr. Kim was an ass, he even misgendered them and called them a sissy."
"Damn, really?"
"Yeah, he also excluded me and Hwajoon."
"Oh … I see. Sorry 'bout that."
Yeji just smiled softly, it didn't really matter to her. She just left them together for a few minutes when she went to grab Hyunjin's ear defenders.
"How about I help, hum?", Felix asked.
"Hum?", Hyunjin echoed.
"You wanna tie your hair or I do?"
Hyunjin huffed, it was just more thinking for them to do … would they be able to handle that on their own? They sure knew how to tie their hair but … pfft.
They just figured it was one of Felix useless questions … Yongbokkie was so kind, sometimes it could be too much, Hyunjin just needed him to decide.
Seeing no move from Hyunjin, Felix got closer and actually made low pigtails on the other's long bleached hair. He wasn't so good at doing hair but it was ok, at least it kept the hair out of Hyunjin's face.
Hyunjin did their best to give a crooked smile to Yongbok, they were thankful Felix did his best not to rub his fingers on their scalp.
But Felix didn't give the smile back, he just seemed suddenly out of it, licking his lip repetitively.
Obviously Hyunjin knew what was going on, they'd seen enough of Felix's absence seizures to know it was one of those. They also theoretically knew how to help but in the state they were in, there was no way they could talk to Felix and reassure him.
They gave a tentative touch to Felix hand and held on until their hand started to feel like it was burning.
Thankfully Felix was back within a few seconds and Hyunjin could let his hand down.
They nudged their head and Felix smirked weirdly before nodding. He looked alright, at least as alright as he could be right now.
Hwajoon came back to the waiting room first.
"They called your Dad.", he softly said to both of them. "Did any of you see the nurse yet?"
"They didn't but I did quickly before Yeji brought Jinnie here. I mean, she knows I'm here and told me to stay in the waiting room so she could hear me if something happened."
"Shouldn't Sammy see her as well?"
Hyunjin shook their head no. There definitely was no need. And the headshakes got quicker and quicker.
"Calm down. There is someone in the room right now anyway.", Felix said.
Hyunjin frowned. They didn't like to be told to calm down, especially when it was something they had been trying to do since earlier. They really were trying their best as they definitely didn't want Hwajoon to have a bad opinion of them.
If only it was easy to calm down …
Of course the setting made it easier to calm, but it wasn't because there weren't any annoying sounds anymore, instead the waiting room was rather calm and Felix' talking didn't really overwhelm them. However, their clothes still didn't feel right, their skin didn't feel right, their head was hurting and they felt like they were shutting down from sensory overload. It wasn't just being non verbal it was everything else. They just wanted to bang their head hard enough into a wall to be able to stop thinking.
They closed their eyes for a few minutes, hands over their ears … but it wasn't enough to stop hearing Hwajoon and Felix talking, even if they were far from loud.
"Hyung, hum, Noona …", Felix called.
Hyunjin knew there was a problem right then and there. Felix didn't use honorifics with Hyunjin since they were born the same year.
"Felix?!", Hwajoon asked.
But before Felix could answer he was getting stiff on the chair he was sitting onto. He clearly was already beginning to seize and about to fall to the floor. Hyunjin couldn't stop it from happening or even help Felix lay down without hurting the both of them.
They couldn't think of how to do things the right way at the very moment. They just got up, pushed the coffee table aside and took a screenshot of their lock screen to capture the time before running to the nurse's door and frantically knocking on the door.
Hwajoon yelled for help when he understood what was going on. A few seconds later the nurse appeared, rushing outside of her office room.
Felix was already on the floor by then, the stiffness had changed into his whole body shaking. His limbs kept hitting the floor repeatedly and his lips glistened with bloodied drool. Hyunjin knew their little brother was suffering very badly right now but they couldn't help.
And they couldn't help it … They were just crying in a corner, half hidden behind the office's door. They were holding their hands to their ears, not sure if the whines they heard were coming from them or from someone else… they were just melting down because everything was too much and watching their little brother have a seizure without being able to help was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
They'd seen seizures happen hundreds times through their life but it was still as painful. Yongbok and them were extremely close, they were close to each one of their brothers but somewhat they were very, very close to Felix. So close that they could feel the pain Felix felt from where they were sitting.
Felix's seizure stopped after some time, Hyunjin wouldn't be able to tell how long even if they wanted to. It felt like an eternity had just passed by. They were just glad it was done and really really hoped there wouldn't be a second one coming around. It didn't really matter at the moment if they could smell the blood coming out of Felix's mouth and the urine from where he'd wet his pants … they just wanted it to be done for their brother's sake.
Yet, it wasn't because Yongbok stopped seizing that they could hold themself back together. They were still crying their heart out. Their ears were pounding, they were pulsing as if Hyunjin's heart was beating just under their ears.
Between the tears they saw Hwajoon cover Felix's crotch with his uniform jacket and then the guy came closer to them, not talking, not touching, just handing Hyunjin a box of tissues. And for that Hyunjin was thankful even though tissues, at the moment, weren't exactly what they needed.
The nurse was still taking care of Felix when Yeji came back with Hyunjin's ear defenders and put them over their ears. By now they were swinging back and forth and biting the tip of their thumb, unconsciously trying to redirect the pain to something more physical.
Yeji was closely followed by Chan. Hyunjin was so relieved to finally see their Dad, they wanted to jump into his arms even though they knew it would feel like hell.
They could see Chan check on Felix that was now aware but still laying on the floor.
"I'm okay. Help Sam.", Felix told his father.
Chan went close to his older child. The teenager's face was red, tears still running down their cheeks … it had been a while since Chan had to deal with a meltdown that put Hyunjin in such a state.
"Hey there, Dadda's here to help.", Chan said softly as he signed.
Hyunjin whimpered.
"How about we go home? How about you get under our bed when we get home?"
Hyunjin nodded, they just wanted to get away from here.
"Can you walk to the car, Sammy?", Chan asked. "Or would you rather have a little wheelchair trip up there?"
"Wheelchair.", Hyunjin signed.
"Alright. Will you be okay staying alone in the car while I come back here to help Felix change clothes and bring him back."
The teen nodded, it would be more than okay. They watched Chan unfold the family's wheelchair he'd brought together with him and did their best to hold on their wobbly legs for a few seconds before their Dad set the chair behind them.
The way to the car was short but awful, the sun was too bright outside of the nurse's office and the city was so loud even with the headphones on.
Once in the car Hyunjin settled in their somewhat assigned seat. There they found a small bag where they kept a few items such as their sunglasses and a bucket hat that they immediately put on. They also found, at the bottom of the bag, a soft baby blanket like thingy that they liked to leave in the car to rub their face onto when they felt sleepy or overwhelmed.
They just covered their face with the familiar soft fabric, it smelled softly of the laundry detergent that his Appa liked to use. Not the unscented one he used for Seungmin and Hyunjin's laundry but the other one that was somewhat heavily chemical cherry blossom scented but still smelled wonderful.
Hyunjin waited for some time. They didn't know what was taking their Dad so long but when he came back with Felix, who looked pretty out of it, the man seemed pretty pissed.
Chan helped Felix on the backseat next to Hyunjin and put back the wheelchair in the trunk before getting behind the wheel and starting the car without a word.
Once they were home Hyunjin went to grab a weighted blanket, got naked down to their boxers and, without turning the light on, crawled under their parents' bed (as it was the only bed at home to have a big enough gap under). Ever since they were a little kid they used to love being under beds. When they were asked why, they couldn't really answer as they didn't really know the reason or when they started doing that. They had vague memories of being 2 to 4 and to hide under their bed at their old foster homes whenever they'd get in trouble. They even had memories of themself getting in trouble for hiding under the bed too often - a.k.a most of the time.
Hyunjin stayed there for hours until they calmed down and fell asleep.
When Hyunjin tip toed their way out of the bedroom, their brothers were already back home, working together at the diner table as they usually did.
Seungmin waved them a little "hi" from where he was sitting and the others looked up to see Hyunjin walking their way.
"Hi.", Hyunjin said.
It felt weird, their voice sounded almost foreign to their own ears and it wasn't because of the ear defenders they still had on.
"Noona!", Jeongin called enthusiastically and Hyunjin winced. "Oh, sorry.", he then said quietly.
"It's okay but keep it low, alright?"
Jeongin nodded and handed Hyunjin his copybook.
"Can you help me?"
Hyunjin didn't understand what Jeongin needed help with at first but then they saw the unfinished drawing next to the poem.
"Aren't you supposed to learn it instead of drawing?", Minho asked as he watched over Jeongin’s shoulder.
Jeongin huffed and rolled his eyes, something that he’d picked up from Hyunjin so it made them smile.
"My teacher said I should also finish coloring the drawing of the poem. I tell you the colors and you do it with me, Noona?"
Hyunjin smiled and nodded, they liked coloring, it was a rather soothing activity and they knew that Jeongin had picked up on that. It was actually pretty cute from the 9 year old boy.
At some point, though, Jisung decided to ruin the peaceful silent to hand them a few pieces of paper with annotations.
"Sam. Yeji gave me those for you."
"Thanks.", they signed, thinking about how they didn’t want to do any of their homeworks at the moment.
They didn't even give it a look, they just were tired and didn't want to know about anything that they're classmates worked on.
"Princess?", Chan called when he saw Hyunjin coloring with Jeongin.
"Hum?", they answered without even looking up.
"Can you come help me out in the kitchen?"
Hyunjin frowned. They didn't like it when Chan not so smoothly tried to cover up the fact that he was just pulling them to the side for a bit. Especially because usually it meant that they'd messed up with something which they hoped they didn't.
"I thought you could help me with the rice.", Chan said, knowing it was one of the things Hyunjin actually didn't mind doing no matter how they felt.
"Sure."
Chan put some zucchini, carrots, scallions and potatoes on the counter after rinsing them.
"Don't worry I am not putting carrots in your jeon (salty pancake)."
"Thanks."
"Just so you know, we're gonna talk to your teacher soon. We're gonna fix an appointment."
"Hum?"
"Yeah well, Hwajoon told me he called you names so I went to talk to the principal and we'll make sure, your Appa and I, that this teacher stops being an ass and stops calling you stuff. Also, Minho told me he was also being an ass with you since the beginning of the year, is that true?"
Hyunjin nodded.
"Princess, why didn't you tell us?"
"I didn't want to."
"And why's that so?"
"I just wanted a normal year, no more special education."
"Hey, you know it's not bad to be in the Spec Ed class, right?"
"I just want normal for once."
"Hyunjin, you only spent like 2 hours a week out of your 'normal' classes last year, if you need to go back to that I can just talk to the principal of your school."
Hyunjin didn't want that. Up until this school year Hyunjin was part of the special education program.
It wasn't only because they were becoming a little hard to deal with in basic class setting and had trouble sensory wise but because someday in his 8th year of life not long after they were diagnosed with autism the doctors decided to have them go through some tests that declared they were a gifted child.
And from there on they were put into the spec ed program, started to have some classes from upper level when it came to things they could easily do and from their age level or lower when it came to things they struggled with (such as History classes).
"Dad. No, please."
"Alright. As soon as you promise me that you'll actually tell me or your Appa if you struggle too much."
Hyunjin nodded. They were doing well overall and it sure wasn't going all smooth all the time but they could make it.
"Can I stay home tomorrow?"
"Sure. Do you want to come to the company with me?"
"I don't know. All done.", Hyunjin signed, clicking on the button of the rice cooker.
"Thanks for the rice, Hyunjin-ah. Could you call Jeongin and Minho for me? It's actually their turn to help in the kitchen."
Hyunjin went back to the dinner room, informed Minho and Jeongin that Chan was waiting for them in the kitchen.
As the two left, Hyunjin saw Felix stir up from his uncomfortable doze over the table. It was far from comfortable but they usually let him sleep whenever and wherever he wanted especially after seizures.
"Lix, let's move to the couch?"
"What?"
"You're exhausted, come on, let's move."
"But … I was working."
"Sure, by drooling over your French book.", Hyunjin smirked.
They moved altogether to the living room, Felix seemed extremely out of it and Hyunjin knew it was possible that the younger had had another seizure when they were resting in their fathers' room.
Hyunjin sat by Felix's feet when the both of them got on the couch. Yongbok got his cold feet under Hyunjin's bare thighs and after the initial uncomfortable moment they breathed deep and let it be, only because it was Felix and that he was feeling bad.
Seungmin walked behind them, his rear walker making an awful noise to Hyunjin (but they knew not to mention that since Seungmin couldn’t do anything about it and actually didn’t hear the noise it made), he sat on the rocking armchair before turning on the TV and putting on a show that Felix and himself seemed to enjoy from how easily they both got lost into it. Hyunjin just asked him to lower the sound which he immediately did.
Not long after Jisung joined them in the living room, a school book on his lap and from the look he was giving to Hyunjin, the older knew he would ask them something.
"Hyunjin-ah, can you explain this class to me?", he asked while handing out his book.
They looked through the chemistry book for a minute, not sure they had actually reached this specific lesson in their class before saying.
"What's the magic word?"
"Please."
"Please who?"
"Please Hyunjin Noona."
Hyunjin grinned, they absolutely loved to make the twins call them honorifics even though they were just a few months younger than them.
"Alright. Come here."
Jisung came closer, rolling his wheelchair up against the couch so he could see what Hyunjin tried to explain.
It surely took more time than Hyunjin would have thought but, even though it was somewhat frustrating, Hyunjin managed to make Jisung understand his chemistry class - more or less. It always baffled Hyunjin how bad Jisung was in chemistry when it was just so easy for them.
They waited until Changbin came back from the company to eat the meal that Chan had made. The younger man didn't question Hyunjin at all when they didn't reply to the usual questions he asked the kids about their day. Instead he smiled, sympathetic. Hyunjin knew that their Dad had probably already told their Appa everything he needed to know about today.
“I made some cookies with Seungmin earlier.”, Minho announced toward the end of the meal. “It’s Youngbok's recipe, I am not sure it’ll be as good as when he makes them but I wanted to make some for Hyunjin-ah.”, he said, bringing back the tray to the table.
“Thank you Oppa.”, Hyunjin said, knowing that they must have really worried Minho for their big brother to choose their favorite recipe.
“You’re welcome Jin-ah.”
Minho watched over them, waiting for a reaction, a smile was everything Hyunjin could give him, they were still tired in the end. All energy gone. They couldn't be more exhausted than Felix for sure, the younger was basically asleep on the cookie Jisung had just forced in his hand. They just wanted to be done with that long day but they knew that going to bed now would mean waiting hours until they actually fell asleep.
Jisung mentioned watching a movie and Hyunjin sighed but Jeongin held their hand, they flinched but didn't say anything. Jeongin understood that they were sensitive to some things but the kid wasn't the most careful. Probably because he didn't need to be careful with the other especially with Seungmin that didn't mind being touched, didn't mind when everything was loud … Hyunjin often wondered how Seungmin bore all those things, being the other autistic kid of their household, but after all being deaf probably changed stuff.
"Will Noona cuddle with me?", he asked with puppy eyes.
"What's up with you? Why so cuddly?"
"Because Noona is not happy today."
It made them smile.
"Well, Innie, your Noona sometimes has trouble with touching and cuddling can be difficult ...", Changbin started.
"I'll cuddle with you only if you go shower with my soap and put on one of my shirts. The flower detergent smells hard."
"Hard? You said it smelled good last time.", Chan questioned.
"It does … just, hum, too much."
"Alright."
Jeongin squeaked and went directly to get upstairs.
"Don't you dare touch my closet!", Hyunjin said, too loud to their own liking, waking Felix up in the process.
"Are you really gonna let him?", Seungmin asked.
"Why not, he makes a nice weighted blanket."
"Baby blanket.", Minho added.
"Pocket sized.", Jisung cooed. "Yah! Don't choke on your cookie, Yongbok-ah!"
Hyunjin rolled their eyes as Minho hit on their little brother's back. The moment felt weirdly usual, seemingly happening so often that it was just their normal way …
They all went to get ready for bed, Hyunjin happy that Jeongin actually waited and didn't touch their closet.
Then they gathered one by one in the living room. Hyunjin sat on the rocking chair, getting a dirty side eye from Seungmin. Yongbok and Jisung piled on the small couch where Hyunjin and Felix sat ealier. The rest of the family sat on the bigger couch, the parents cuddling on one side while Seungmin somewhat laid on Minho that didn't dare saying anything, happily knowing that he was the favorite brother. They waited for Jeongin that went to get his raggedy Fennec plushie his bedroom. The kid gently climbed on Hyunjin's lap after they agreed once again.
Hyunjin smiled to themself, everything wasn't perfect, it was just alright but maybe alright wasn't so bad right now.