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Wylan was pressed against the bow of a ship, the breath forced from his lungs by the hands against his throat. Tears pricked at his eyes as he rasped for breath, his fingers clawing uselessly at his attacker. He was going to die here, his father didn’t only hate him, he wanted him to die because he was so useless. It wasn’t enough to send Wylan away, his father wanted him dead . The hand at his throat pressed tighter and Wylan sobbed. He wanted to believe this was some kind of mistake, that these men were acting independently, but he knew better. Why would he ever think he deserved to live? Wylan’s vision blackened around the edges as he strained for breath, the knowledge that he was about to die settling over him like the lid on a coffin. He closed his eyes, letting himself sink into its depths. If he was dead, he didn’t have to run anymore, didn’t have to cry anymore.
“ Hey ,” whispered a voice and Wylan opened his eyes painfully, almost sad to ruin this moment of quiet acceptance as he waited dumbly to hear what taunt the assailant was waiting to hurl at him next. Instead, Wylan jolted into the present as he met the eyes of Jesper Fahey.
Wylan was laying in Jesper’s bed in their room in the Slat, the blankets tangled around him as his chest heaved. Jesper was hovering over Wylan, one hand cupping his cheek and the other brushing the hair back from his damp forehead. Wylan realized he was crying and shaking, trembling so bad he thought the bed might be moving with the force of it. Jesper’s thumb traced over his cheek, achingly gentle. “Hey, you’re okay. You’re here.”
Wylan swallowed heavily, trying to draw a breath into his lungs. He still felt the hand choking the life from him, the fear seizing every part of him. He choked, head falling back into the pillows as he fought for breath, tears streaming down his face. He knew he wasn’t on the ship, knew that he was in his boyfriend’s bed, but all he could feel was the fingers around his throat.
Jesper moved so that he was closer to Wylan, his hands gently cradling his face. “Wy, look at me,” he said, voice strained. “Look at me, Wy. You’re safe, no one is ever going to hurt you again. You’re safe,” he repeated the last phrase over and over again, gently stroking through Wylan’s curls as he fought for breath.
Wylan let out a miserable noise, coughing, and curling into Jesper’s body. The sharpshooter immediately wrapped his arms around Wylan, holding him protectively to his chest. He stroked Wylan’s back soothingly, rocking them back and forth. “You’re safe,” he whispered onto his head, kissing his curls.
Wylan shuddered, the grip on his throat loosening, instead leaving him with the horrible realization he had come to during the nightmare. If he was dead, he didn’t have to suffer anymore . Wylan had never been suicidal, never wanted to die, had spent his entire life running from death. But as he lay there in Jesper’s arms, the memory of the dream fresh in his mind, the truth hit him harder than any punch his father had landed on him.
If he died he wouldn’t have to live with the shame of being a failure, of knowing that his father hated him so much he sent him to die; he wouldn’t have to live with the constant anxiety that he was burdening Jesper, that one day the angel boy would wake up and realize that Wylan was never going to get better and he would move on; he would never have to worry again. The thought terrified him so badly his teeth chattered.
Jesper gently cradled the back of Wylan’s neck as he tilted the boy’s head up to meet his gaze. Wylan broke down again when he saw the look on his face, so full of love that it physically hurt to look at. Jesper was holding him and looking at him like he was the only thing that had ever existed, like he was every wonderful thing in the world, and Wylan was thinking about dying. He was so selfish, so miserable.
Jesper kissed his forehead, pulling away and gently laying Wylan down so he could rest his head on the pillows. “Hey,” he whispered, “you’re safe, okay? I promise. I’ve got you.”
Wylan nodded, sniffling and shaking, but able to draw a full breath now. “I’m-”
“Don’t you even think about finishing that sentence,” Jesper said firmly. “You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing . It is not your fault, none of it was. Your father is a piece of shit who deserves to burn in hell.”
Of course Jesper knew exactly what the nightmare had been about, he always knew.
“I’m serious, Wy. I don’t ever want to hear you apologize for what he did to you. You deserve the entire world and every other world that exists in every other universe. You are incredible, Wylan. You make me the happiest man alive. I-” The words died in Jesper’s throat. He had been dying to say it for months now, but he was anxious he was moving too fast for Wylan.
Wylan snuggled into Jesper, hiding his face in his chest. “I felt-” he shook and Jesper felt his shirt dampen as Wylan started to cry again. He rested a calming hand on his shoulder, his finger gently tracing the lines of his bones. “I felt like I should have died on that ship. I… I wanted to die on that ship.”
Jesper immediately lifted Wylan’s chin, refusing to let the boy break eye contact.
“ Hey . Don’t say that, please don’t say that. Life is so much better with you here in it, Wylan. You… have done so much good and I know that you will continue to do good because you are good. You’re my angel, Wylan. You save me every single day, you have taught me what it is to feel at home with another person. I thank the Saints every minute for allowing you to come into my life. I…I love you, Wylan, I love you so much it hurts. I love you so much that I don’t know what to do with myself. I love you so much more than you could ever comprehend. Hell, I love you more than I can comprehend.”
Wylan’s entire world stopped. Every thought cleared from his head and he could hear the unsteady rhythm of his heart. I love you .
“Do you really mean that?” He couldn’t stop himself from asking. The last time someone had said that to him had been before his mother had died. Almost ten years ago. His eyes filled with tears and he longed to say it back but he refused to make a fool out of himself if Jesper didn’t mean it.
Jesper smiled softly at him, “of course I mean it, Wy. I mean it more than I have ever meant anything in my life. The only thing I have ever been certain of is that I love you.”
Wylan crumpled, putting his head in his hands.
“Hey, what’s wrong? If I said it too soon I’m sorry, I didn’t want to move too fast for you but I felt like you needed to hear it I-”
“Nothing is wrong,” Wylan said shakily, looking up at Jesper with a wobbly smile. “Just- no one has told me that in a very long time.”
Jesper’s eyes softened and Wylan saw pain hiding behind them. “Then I’ll tell you every single day, every single hour, to make up for every time you weren’t told it. I love you.”
Wylan couldn’t help himself, he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Jesper’s mouth. “I really love you too, Jes.” He said, his voice trembling over the words. “This scares me a lot, and I’m worried that this is going to come around and hurt me but Saints, I love you.”
Jesper swallowed, his eyes filling. “I don’t want you to ever be scared of being loved. I will do everything I can to ensure that you don’t associate care with pain anymore.”
Wylan smiled, “you already do that every day.”
Jesper kissed him again, short and full of love. “How much time do I need to make up for? I’ll take whatever you tell me and double it, triple it, with the amount of times I remind you that you’re loved.”
And he did.