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“Mommy, does Daddy see monsters?”
“Sometimes.”
Josh Washington stood still in darkness, leaning against the wall as he listened to the hushed voices in the room beyond.
“Can the monsters hurt us?”
“No sweetie. The monsters are just bad memories... But, you know what?”
“What?”
“Your father is very brave and very good at confronting monsters, so there is nothing to worry about, okay?”
“Okay mommy.”
“Goodnight, my love.”
“Goodnight.”
Josh straightened up as Sam appeared through the doorway a moment later. She paused mid-step, surprised by his presence, but quickly recovered herself when she made out his face in the dim light. He gave her a guarded smile as she moved closer to him. “Do you want to say goodnight?” She whispered, squeezing his arm softly.
He nodded in response, kissing her gently on the cheek before stepping past her and into their daughter’s bedroom.
Abby was sitting up in bed, tapping her toes under her blanket in deep thought. She perked up when Josh crossed to her bed, giving him a big smile that melted his heart.
“What’s going on here?” Josh joked as he sat down next to her, “I thought you were supposed to be dreaming about ice cream sandwiches by now.”
“Noooo,” Abby giggled, pressing a hand to her face, “that would be silly.”
“What do you mean silly? I dream about ice cream sandwiches every night. It’s serious stuff,” he smiled down at her as he lifted her blanket, encouraging her to scoot down and rest her head on the pillow.
“Well, I dream about chocolate covered Swedish fish,” Abby stated matter-of-factly.
“Chocolate covered Swedish fish?” Josh exclaimed in mock disbelief, “You better save some for me.”
“I will,” Abby promised as he tucked the blanket around her, “I love you daddy.”
“I love you too,” he beamed down at her, “Can I give you a kiss?”
She nodded enthusiastically, closing her eyes as he pressed his lips to her forehead.
“Goodnight, sunshine.”
“Goodnight, daddy.”
Josh took a breath before reaching to turn off the bedside lamp, her princess nightlight now casting a soft glow in the new darkness.
“Hey, daddy?” Abby’s small voice called to him as he stood.
“Yeah sunshine?”
“Don’t be sad about the monsters, I’ll help you fight them.”
“You do every day sweetie, thank you.”
Abby gave him a satisfied grin before snuggling into her blanket and closing her eyes.
Josh spent a moment admiring her, so calm and happy, and even though he knew that Abby wasn’t related to him by blood, he could swear that she looked so much like Beth and...
He moved quietly into the hallway, tracing a hand across the wallpaper as he slowly wandered. He glanced up at the display of framed pictures that snaked down the walls, he and Sam as teenagers and adults, both together and apart. There were sanitary pictures of their wedding day, of their first apartment, their new house, Sam’s graduation, lazy summer vacations; and then there was Abby. Her first day home, first Christmas, first steps, first pizza, and birthdays one, two, three, and four. Abby, their smiling ray of sunshine, their hope and their relief. Josh examined himself at the edges of these pictures. There was a light in his eyes, a smile that wasn’t forced to ease the anxiety of the room. He was just happy, genuinely and freely happy.
He and Sam had chosen to adopt when they unexpectedly found themselves ready to be parents. The last thing Josh wanted was to pass on his damaged genetics, and adoption just felt like a clean slate for both of them. After months of paperwork, and plenty of therapy, the day snuck up on them. They were suddenly there in the hospital and the doctor ushered them to a room where a waiting nurse placed the new baby in Sam’s arms.
“Is she... is she really ours? Is she our baby?” Sam had choked, tears spilling down her cheeks.
“Congratulations mom,” the nurse had smiled back.
“She’s so small,” Josh had gasped as he took in every detail of her tiny swaddled face, his own eyes brimming with tears, “I can’t-she just-”
“It’s okay,” Sam had leaned in and kissed Josh sweetly, lifting his hand to rest under their baby’s sleeping head, grounding him to them.
“Well, how do we look?” Sam had turned to the doctor and nurse with a goofy grin.
“You look terrified,” the doctor had laughed, “welcome to parenthood.”
Terrified was an understatement, for Josh had been petrified. So much so, that two weeks later he handed Sam a checkbook.
“What’s this?”
“I opened an account in your name. There’s enough money in there to afford my dad’s lawyer.”
“What? Why-”
“If anything happens, if I break- if I do anything, you take Abby and you run from me.”
“Josh-”
“You call Lawrence and he will take care of everything, make sure I can’t find you, make sure that-”
“Stop! Stop!” Sam cried out as she took his face in her hands, wiping away his panicked tears, “Josh, nothing is going to happen.”
“You know I can’t promise you that, I wish I could but...” he sniffed, gently grasping her wrist and pressing the checkbook into her palm, “please, just take it.”
Sam sighed as she hesitantly closed her fingers around it, “This... this is Abby’s college fund. But, should there be an emergency-which there won’t be... I’ll use it.”
“Thank you.”
Josh made his way out of the hallway and into the living room, picking up stray toys and tossing them in their designated bins and baskets. Parenthood? Him? Some days he really couldn’t believe that it was real, that he was doing it. For so long he had never even bothered imagining a future for himself, never thinking that he would make it past that night on the mountain. But, by some miracle, everyone had made it out alive.
Alive, but not undamaged. Wolves, not monsters, was the tale that his friends had spun that night when the authorities wouldn’t believe their story, couldn’t grasp the evidence. The news reported that it was just a rabid pack that had attacked and tormented the group until dawn.
Back then, he thought that would be the last time he ever saw his former friends, silhouetted by the burning lodge as he was taken away. His parents sent him to live in a sanitarium, where maybe he could recover his head. He spent long days in a haze, and when, months later, Mike and Sam walked through the door, he had thought that they were just another one of his hallucinations.
“Josh,” Mike had whispered to him while Sam talked to a doctor in the hallway.
“They think I’m crazy, that the monsters aren’t real,” Josh mumbled, unable to look him in the eye, “they were monsters...not wolves...monsters...”
“Josh, the monsters were real,” Mike assured him, gripping his arm, “but we killed them. They are all dead and they can’t hurt anyone anymore...They can’t hurt you man, they’re gone. There’s no need to discuss them with these crackpots anymore. Just focus on you.”
“...I...I’m sorry... for...everything... What I did-”
“Yeah... Well, that’s what you’re here to prove, isn’t it? ...Just, don’t give up, man. I mean, how else are you going to make it up to us, right?”
Josh raised his eyes to where Sam stood by the door, arms crossed, knuckles white with anxiety as she listened eagerly to Dr. Hill. She chanced a quick glance at him, their eyes meeting for a brief moment, her lips twitching into a small smile before she turned away.
“Let them help you, Josh,” Mike continued, “then, make amends, move forward. We’ll be here. You won’t be alone.”
Josh crossed into the kitchen, the remnants of vegan mac and cheese night wiped clean from the counter, dishes soaking in the sink. He had become a strict vegetarian after that night on the mountain, recoiling from any meat that was placed on his plate, his mind blazing into a desperate panic. Sam had made the transition easier when he was released to the public and had to feed himself, since she was already vegan herself. Thus, Abby followed this diet as well. Family and friends had disapproved, but they were prepared with well-balanced meals, and plus the pediatrician thought that it was a great idea. He dreaded the days that were sure to come, when Abby was older and friends’ parents offered her a taste of cooked flesh. Would she like it? Would she turn-
Josh beat his fists against his head, reaching for any other thought as his stomach turned and his breath hitched. Meadows, red barns, ponds, scarecrows, bubblegum, Sam’s laugh, Abby at the beach, dancing as the waves kiss her toes, safe, all safe...
He looked to the family calendar on the wall, his breath coming easier as he recovered and focused on the whiteboard, packed with events listed in various organized colors, seeking further distraction. He read through lists of activities and daycare for Abby, conservationist meetings, yoga, and martial arts for Sam, and therapy five times a week with doctors appointments interlaced in between work hours for himself. He noted the current date and the list of obligations that had come and gone, slowly reviewing each event, then he looked to the following week.
There, the chaos of scribbled notes was missing, replaced only by two large words written in blocky red letters across all seven days: Family Vacation.
Josh would be lying if he said he wasn’t anxious about it. Yes, it would be nice to spend seven uninterrupted days with his two favorite girls, but it stressed him out knowing that he would have to do without his structure and routine of professional check-ins and support. Sam had been packing and unpacking for two weeks already, trying to assure him, and herself, that everything was prepped and ready. They counted and recounted pills, accounting for misplacements or emergency shortages, verified that there would be Wi-Fi and cell service, that his therapist would only ever be a call or email away. It will be good, he nodded as he focused on his breathing, it will be great, in fact, it will be like we’re a normal family.
With a final sigh, he made his way to the Master bedroom. When they had decided on becoming parents, they had added an additional bedroom to the opposite side of the large ranch, keeping the study setup in the room next to theirs. Both he and Sam still occasionally woke up screaming from nightmares, plagued by exaggerations of their own traumatic memories, and that was something that they wanted to keep their baby far away from. Far from the fear and the pain.
He stood quietly, pulling back the curtains and watching the snow fall through the window as he processed his thoughts, listening to the sounds of Sam getting ready for bed in the master bathroom.
Sam.
He had had a crush on her ever since the day Hannah brought her home after school. That cool and confident girl with light blonde hair and hazel eyes, so sure about the world and her place in it. He had blown so many chances to tell her how he felt, settling for friendship as he dated and hooked up with shallower, more basic girls. But they kept growing closer, and he thought that he was ready to say something, encouraged by hints that she might even feel the same way. He was just one drunken party away from having the courage to reveal his heart when a horribly judged prank backfired, and his sisters disappeared into the snowy night forever.
That was it, any chances of happiness with this girl, happiness at all, was gone, out the door with Beth and Hannah. He ignored his therapist, abused his pills, and plotted, waited. That last night on the mountain a year later was supposed to make it better, supposed to make him feel better, supposed to satisfy the voices- But everything went wrong, and everything got worse, and then it was atrocious. A night of monsters, fear, and fire as he spiraled away from his last shred of hope and sanity.
Who would have thought that he could heal? That he could mend his broken mind? That just the right cocktail of pills would keep him steady? That light blonde hair and hazel eyes would be waiting for him when his release from the institution gave him another chance to get it right?
There were stumbles, but never collapses as they mended their bridges and slowly, slowly drew back together. He finally got the chance to open his heart, and soon after, she let him into hers.
“Hey,” Sam announced herself as she walked up behind him, “you okay?”
“Yeah, just thinking,” Josh breathed as he turned towards her, her freshly washed face looking so beautiful in the dim light.
“How’s it looking out there?” Sam nodded towards the window.
“Snowing,” Josh said dreamily as he followed her gaze, watching soft snowflakes drift in the spiraling wind, making patterns, faces-
“Here,” Sam’s voice drew him back as she held out a collection of pills in her palm, offering him a glass of water to go with them.
Josh obediently took the pills, washing them down one at a time with the water, opening his mouth and lifting his tongue to show her that he had swallowed them all. Sam was the one that had started this routine, insisting on it when they had first gotten together in order to ease her own anxiety, but now, years later, it was Josh who relied on this twice-daily ritual. It made him feel safe, knowing that there were two instead of one ensuring that he never skipped a dose, protecting him from himself so that his mind could never play tricks on his memories, whispering that he had already taken his pills or that he needed so many more.
Sam flashed him a smile, kissing him sweetly. “Brush your teeth,” she whispered against his lips.
“Thanks mom,” Josh scoffed, mimicking the arrogant child he was so long ago.
“Okay dad,” Sam teased him back with a giggle, lightly pushing him towards the bathroom.
“Will you read me a story after?”
“Only if you’re good.”
“Careful folks, we go an A+ mom in the house!”
“And a B+ dad,” Sam scoffed softly as she clicked on the ceiling fan.
“Woah, woah, B+?” Josh turned around in the door frame of the bathroom, mock hurt in his face, “is this because I let Abby climb up the slide at the playground?”
“Ding ding!”
“Well I blame you for her adventurous spirit.”
“And I blame you for her growing sass,” Sam shot back playfully as she lifted the covers on her side of the bed and sat down.
“They grow up so fast,” Josh mimed wiping a tear from his eye as he retreated into the bathroom.
“Goodnight, Josh,” Sam sang, bringing their banter to a close.
“But let’s be honest, she gets the sass from both of us,” Josh poked his head around the door to put in the final word.
“Goodnight!”
Josh chuckled quietly as he cleaned his teeth, watching himself in the mirror. Life was happy, dare he say it, life was even good.
The rest of his former friend group had turned out okay, as far as he knew. Matt and Emily had gone to college and never looked back, desperately pretending that they weren’t the two teenagers from that mysterious news story about a night of terror. They dated other people, made new friends, and encased themselves in the future, leaving the past far behind.
Jessica and Mike had stayed together for a little while. Her trauma from being attacked and dragged through the snow had left her a shivering shell of herself. Mike stood by her and did what he could to help her process and cope, but finally, her parents decided to take her away, removing all environmental factors that could trigger a bad memory and moved to Arizona, where it was sunny and flat and safe. Jessica asked him not to follow her, and that was that.
Chris and Ashley had stayed together, and seemed to be really happy. By far, they had gotten the worst of his elaborate revenge prank and Ashley still wanted nothing to do with Josh, and, by extension, Sam. When he and Sam had announced their engagement, Sam had gotten an earful from Ashley, and that was the last they ever spoke. Chris would still drop him a careful text every once in a while, just checking in and making small talk. Josh didn’t expect things to go back to the way that they were before with them, didn’t think that he really deserved to be completely forgiven, but he was glad that they had each other, that at least one silver lining had come out of his mess.
When he and Sam had gotten together, really, not many had been thrilled. Even now, years later, their families were careful to accept their continued happiness. Josh couldn’t exactly blame them considering that he had lured, tormented, chased, and kidnapped his now wife, even if it was just a “fun prank” in his then messed-up mind. But they didn’t expect anyone who knew them before that night on the mountain to understand, for really, it was impossible to explain out loud what made their relationship so strong. But what they had made sense to Josh and Sam, and for them, that was all that mattered. They needed each other, they loved each other, and they were happy, plain and simple. Of course, they still had their stumbles like any other couple does, but those bad days and bad moments never outweighed the good, and through it all they thrived.
Sam had dated other people on and off while Josh was in the sanitarium, but once he was released, them getting together had been inevitable, a force that they both had initially tried to fight but soon gave in to. Josh honestly didn’t know where he would be without Sam, how his life could possibly make sense being shared with anyone else.
Wiping his hands and face with a towel, he took one last look at himself before moving back into the bedroom. He stood by their bed, taking a moment just to gaze at Sam, her body draped in a light blanket, her face peaceful and still, her lips slightly ajar as all of her muscles relaxed. She was his everything, his best friend, his lover, and his light.
But the more Josh watched her, the more he became uneasy. She was still, so very still. Too still. There should be some movement. Some breath. Was she breathing? She was so still- still as-
Josh had to resist the urge to lunge for her, to shake her frantically back to life. Even through his panicked tunnel-vision, he knew better than to grab her, knew that it would trigger her. Instead he leaned over her, desperately whispering her name at rapidly increasing volumes.
Sam’s eyes suddenly snapped open, and if Josh had not been conditioned to dodge such maneuvers, her swinging fist would have connected with his jaw. Her face flooded with terror, breath hitching with adrenaline as she retreated from him.
Josh backed away, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-” he stammered as he knelt on the carpet raising his open hands over his head, surrendering himself to her completely.
Sam was frozen, eyes suspicious, mouth working frantically, forcing back a scream as she scrutinized his position on the floor, casting around her for a quick escape, a weapon even. It was painful to watch, Josh was desperate to go to her, to smooth her fears away, but he knew that he could never do such a thing, not when he himself was the trigger for her torment. So, he waited, it was all he could do in times like these. He waited as she steadied herself, running through strategies from her therapist, reciting calming mantras as her fear faded to reason.
“What... were you doing?” Her voice shook.
“I’m sorry, you weren’t breathing, I thought you weren’t breathing...I’m so sorry Sam,” Josh began to sob quietly, all the while maintaining his position.
Sam took a few more long breaths, centering herself. “Come over here.”
Josh obeyed, slowly rising to his feet, telegraphing every movement, every intent as he stepped to the side of the bed, still holding his hands aloft. Sam regarded him there, sighing as she scrubbed at her face wearily. “I’m sorry, you scared me.”
“Don’t ever be sorry, it’s my fault.”
“You were scared too.”
“Yes.”
Letting out a long breath, Sam squared her shoulders, returning to herself completely as she reached for him, “get in here.”
Josh crawled into the bed, leaning his head against her chest as she wrapped him in her arms, cradling him gently. “How’s it looking outside?” She whispered.
Josh turned towards the window, droplets of water collecting on the screen as the summer rain streaked down from the sky. “It’s raining,” he exhaled, wiping away his tears, “it’s always been raining.”
Stroking his hair, Sam planted a kiss on his head, “we’re quite the mess, aren’t we, love?”
“You could say that,” Josh scoffed, leaning into her again, “but at least we aren’t as bad as Alice’s cooking."
Sam groaned at this, “she tries so hard to make stuff we can eat.”
“I’ve never tasted anything so dry,” Josh chuckled.
“It’s better than last time though.”
“It’s not, you’re being generous.”
“Oh, shut up.”
Alice was Mike’s girlfriend, the two of them had been together for almost nine months now. She was incredibly sweet, so sure of herself and her convictions, and she and Mike made each other very happy. Mike brought her to dinner with Josh and Sam every few weeks where Alice did her best to consider their dietary restrictions, bringing them new and creative dishes to try. The attempts were noble, but barely stomachable. Sam wasn’t sure where the girl got her recipes, but she was in desperate need of some new resources, and maybe even a few classes.
While her cooking fell short, the girl was sharp. She had quickly deduced that the three of them had been through some shared experience of significance, it was written in the way that they all jumped at the same sudden noises and sometimes fell into simultaneous deep silences, but she had been too polite to ask about it so far. Someday, Mike would be ready to tell her, and it was certain that on that day things would change. But in the meantime, they enjoyed things as they were. They all felt normal with her, and that was nice.
Josh listened to Sam's steady heartbeat as he lay in her arms, allowing his eyes to close. Her words to Abby echoed in his head:
“Your father is very brave and very good at confronting monsters…”
It was never fighting monsters, it was always confronting them, because monsters like his never really went away. But Sam had been right, he had gotten good at keeping them in check, and most likely would have to continue doing so for the rest of his life. But the struggle was so worth it, every day with his family gave him more and more reasons to stand strong. Everything would be okay, family vacation would be okay, and whatever challenges came he would face head on, with Sam by his side.
“I love you, Josh,” Sam whispered.
“I love you too.”
No matter what horrors the night holds, the dawn always comes; as long as you keep moving forward and never give in.
And that was exactly what Josh intended to do.