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“Doctor, we need to talk.” Yaz demanded, Graham and Ryan entering the room behind her. The room being a sort of living room set-up on the TARDIS where Thirteen was currently reading an Agatha Christie book.
“About?” He sat his book to the side, on an empty cushion adoring the blue couch. Not TARDIS blue, though that was his favorite, more of a metallic cyan. The other three had already chosen seats amongst the abundance of armchairs surrounding the couch, so he didn’t really feel bad about ‘taking away’ one of their options.
“That’s more of something that you have to tell us, mate.” Ryan informed from his lilac chair. “We’ve noticed something’s been up with you, but we don’t know what.”
“I have no idea what you mean.” He laughed, but nothing was funny. It was merely a placeholder for his lack of idea about what to do in this situation. Anyway, if he laughed, maybe they would think they got it all wrong, that he was fine, then he wouldn’t have to worry about telling them anything. About losing them.
“Doc—” Graham began “We’re your friends you know….We can tell when somethings off and that really seems to be the case right now. You’re just…not very chipper.”
“Not very chipper?” Thirteen repeated. If you stole words no one had to know how you were feeling.
Yaz sighed, deciding to try again herself. “You’ve just been quiet and snappish and just generally in a bad mood recently, it’s not like you. Is everything all right? You know you can tell us…don’t you?”
“You wouldn’t get it.” That’s not what he should have said because now they would want an answer even more. Now it was impossible to deny anything was happening. Now he would lose them.
“We might.” Graham offered. “You know I’ve lived a long time, maybe not as long as you, but a while. I’ve seen and done a lot of stuff, no reason this can’t be one of them.”
“It Isn't. You’re not like this.”
“Maybe I’ve had a friend who is, but it doesn’t really matter because nothing has to be based on what we’ve experienced already. The whole point of us being here is we want something new, adventure, no point getting hung up on the past in that case.”
“You don’t get it, Graham. This is more than just an alien thing, I mean it’s related, but it’s not that. It’s not some space adventure or monster to fight….It’s human in a way. I mean all sorts of species….I don’t even know what I’m talking about.”
“We know human, Doctor, we are humans.” Yaz pointed out. “Doesn’t that make it more likely we will get it?”
“Not really….Not something like this.”
“You know I had a mate once who said the exact same thing to me. Was terrified, thought I’d abandon him over it. Big secret, didn’t want anyone else to know for months, the whole nine yards.” Ryan revealed with the hope that The Doctor would question him more about it so he could offer assurance.
“And how did that go?” Thirteen took the bait.
“Fine, nothing big. Just told me he was gay….Is this similar to that?”
“I am gay, in a way, but that’s not it….It is sort of connected though….”
“Gay in a way?” Yaz questioned. “How can you be gay in a way?”
“Oh.” Thirteen had been so worried about everything else he hadn’t even considered they might be homophobic. What if he lost them before they even knew about the BIG thing? “I’m pansexual…I’m attracted to all genders.”
“I’m also attracted to all genders, but I’m bisexual.” Yaz smiled in a way that The Doctor recognized as assuring. Letting him know that she, and likely the others, had no problem with his sexuality.
“Going back to the original conversation,” Graham cut in “what is both related to being an alien, but also sort of human, and related to sexuality?”
Everyone was staring, no one talking. No one talking. No one talking.
Thirteen couldn't stand their silent gazes anymore, realized they wouldn’t be saying anything else before he responded to Graham’s slightly rhetorical question, so he had no choice but speak. He searched his brain for a lie, he could be quite good at lying, but it just wasn’t happening. He had to tell the truth. He was going to lose them.
“It’s, well….I think I’m a girl.”
“What do you mean you think you’re a girl?” Yaz wasn’t trying to be mean, she was quite genuine, but Thirteen was already so high-strung about them knowing that he just couldn’t handle it anymore.
“I’m sorry Yaz, and Graham and Ryan. I’m sorry…fam….I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize.” Ryan tried his best to cut into the alien’s anxiety bubbled mind, but he was paying him no mind.
“I didn’t mean to regenerate defective. I promise…I’m sorry.”
“Being trans isn’t defective.” Graham tried his best, it worked a little bit, at least made Thirteen respond to the words, but things weren’t calming down.
“It is for a Time Lord!”
“Why do Time Lords see trans people as defective?” Ryan spoke to him again, hoping to get through this time.
“They don't, it's just—it’s not supposed to happen to us….Time Lords—we’re a mostly genderfluid species. So one regeneration we might be a man and the next a woman, but it always matches up. If you have a penis and flat chest then you feel like a man on the inside, if you have a vagina and boobs you feel like a woman inside. But I….I’m supposed to feel like a man this regeneration, but I don’t. It’s wrong and confusing and defective and—” Thirteen longed to wipe away the tears burning his eyes, but couldn’t because they hadn’t quite formed yet.
“All right, that’s enough of that.” Yaz cut him off. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Tons of women have bodies like yours and they’re still women, so why can’t you be? Just because you’re a Time Lord? Fuck that.”
Thirteen smiled a bit despite himself, but still felt quite bad. “Oh, Yaz….It is different for me because I’m a Time Lord. I can’t do surgeries or hormones, my hair doesn’t really grow, I’m not around most people long enough for it to matter what they call me, it’s just all so pointless.”
“Feeling comfortable in your own skin isn’t pointless.” Graham immediately disagreed. “I mean it sucks that you can’t change your body, it really does, but that doesn’t mean you’re any less of a woman. And everyone should also respect your gender once you’ve told them no matter how long you interact. Many won’t, realistically, I mean we do spend a lot of time in the past, but they should.”
“I won’t be Thirteen for long, soon enough I’ll be fourteen…if I get that many regenerations.”
“What do you mean if you get that many regenerations?” Yaz changed the topic again, now more concerned about her friend, her crush, dying.
“Time Lords only get twelve regenerations.”
“But, you’re Thirteen .” Ryan pointed out. “So, shouldn’t you not exist? You’ve already regenerated thirteen times, which, the last time I’ve checked, is a bigger number than twelve.”
“Actually, I’m on my fourteenth body….Between Eight and Nine….I don’t…he’s just the War Doctor, that’s what I call him. I didn’t go by The Doctor that regeneration, but I don’t like telling people my name, so….Well, yeah, he’s the Doctor who fought in the Time War, so I call him the War Doctor.”
“That’s still more than twelve, but it doesn't matter anyway. Can’t regenerations last just as long as an average human life? Often longer? You shouldn’t have to suffer pretending to be a man for another sixty+ years. You shouldn’t have to pretend to be a man for one more year. It doesn’t matter how long you’re Thirteen, you still deserve to be yourself during that time. You’re Thirteen not Fourteen , so why should you let Fourteen’s possible existence affect who you are now? What’s the point of being Thirteen if you’re not going to act like Thirteen? Mine as well regenerate right this second with that attitude.” Graham got them back on track.
“Well, yeah, but….” Thirteen tried to find an argument, but it was hard when he was arguing against his own comfort and happiness. Besides, Graham was right, why exist if he wasn’t going to exist as who he truly was?
“No buts, Doc.” As the second oldest in the room, as someone who had lost his wife, Graham knew that life was far too short to worry about the next day let alone something that might happen. That if it did happen could be centuries away. “What can we do to make you feel better?”
“Yeah, how do we help you feel like yourself?” Yaz was desperate to make up for her previous hurtful comment, even though it wasn’t meant to be vicious it still made Thirteen feel bad about himself, more than he already did, and she couldn’t stand that. Anyway, The Doctor was one of her best friends, she would help him with whatever she could however she could.
“....I don’t know.”
“How about we start with one thing? So it’s less overwhelming?” Ryan suggested, not entirely sure what that one thing would be, but knowing it helped him when he was doing physical stuff to try and go slow so he didn’t immediately burn out.
“Like what?”
“Pronouns?” Yaz suggested. “Or is that too complicated to start with?”
“It is complicated, but….I want to talk about it, if that’s okay.”
“Of course, Doc, this is your time, we can talk about whatever you want.” Graham smiled at him and, for the first time in a long while, Thirteen, no, The Doctor, felt completely safe and loved.
“I—well….Pronouns and gender don’t really equal each other and I still sort of think of myself in masculine terms, but….Well, I think it would be nice to try She/Her…if that’s okay.”
“All pronouns are okay.” Ryan assured. “It’s just about what makes you feel comfortable and like yourself.”
“I think….I mean I’m a woman and I—in addition to the pronouns—want the stuff associated with women….Like Ms. and Ma’am and lady and all that….Please.”
“We can do that.” Thirteen looked towards Yaz in relief, but was confused by what she saw. Yaz seemed…conflicted. Thirteen wasn’t the best at emotions or social cues, The Doctor wasn’t in general, but the frown lines on Yaz’s face said it all.
“Have I done something wrong?” She whispered not wanting the other woman to be angry with her. Willing to go back into the closet if it meant Yaz would still be a part of her fam.
“What?” Yaz looked back at her, the frown deepening.
“Have I done something wrong?” She repeated, voice wobbling as she tried to hold back tears. She loved Yaz, even more than the rest of her fam, in a different way, how was she supposed to handle the younger's abandonment?
“No, Doctor, why in the world do you think you’ve done something?”
“You’re frowning….Happy people don’t frown, even I know that….Do you want me to keep being a man? I’ll do that, if you want. I mean: I can’t be a man, but I’ll pretend for you. Just please don't leave me, Yaz.”
“I’m not frowning because you’re a woman, or at you at all. And I definitely don’t want you to pretend to be a man, not for me , or at all. I’m frowning because….Well, you being a woman changes things about me.”
“Is it a bad change?”
“No….I mean it doesn’t really change anything, I already knew I was—never mind. Point is, you’re fine, you’ve done nothing wrong and I’m not upset with you.”
“....Okay.” Thirteen was unsure of what Yaz meant or if she was really being sincere, but she thought that maybe they were all telling the truth. Maybe they were okay with her womanhood. “What if I were to wear more feminine stuff? More colors and dresses and stuff?”
“I think you would look lovely in that type of clothing.” Graham assured watching at Thirteen anxiously pulled at her cuticles.
“What if—” Thirteen hiccupped, making her more nervous. “What if I wear suits sometimes?”
“I bet you’ll look great in a suit.” Graham’s tone didn’t change and he wasn’t lying. He really did think Thirteen would look good in whatever she chose to wear. As long as it made her feel good, at least.
“Is it okay for me to be a woman in a suit? Not a pantsuit or skirt suit, a suit . A…a tux.”
“Women wear tuxedos all the time.” Ryan tried to make his voice come out as more casual than he was feeling. He was still sort of confused and nervous in a way, but The Doctor didn’t need to know that. He didn’t want to make her think she had done something wrong again or anything.
“But I won’t look like a woman in a tux, I’ll look like a man in one.”
“You look like a woman no matter what you wear,” Yaz disagreed, “because you are a woman.”
“Well, yeah, but….Other people won’t see it that way.”
“Who needs other people? You can wear whatever you want and if people don’t like it, they can suck it up….Or just suck it in general.” The younger man in the room insisted with a serious look in his eyes.
“But—but what about my old friends?”
“What?” Graham looked up from where he had been intently staring at the floor trying to figure out their next move in helping The Doctor.
“My old friends, people I used to know or have known for a long time.”
“What about them?” Graham spoke again.
“What if they find out and don’t like me anymore? What if they hate me? What if they regret ever being my friend? What if they—”
“They don’t matter. If they do any of those things they don’t matter and you shouldn’t care about them. You don’t need people in your life who refuse to respect your identity.” The more Ryan spoke the less calm and casual he sounded, but he didn’t care anymore. The Doctor was his friend and he was not going to let her be hurt or insecure about something as simple as gender.
“But….But they’re my friends.”
“If they’re truly your friends then they won’t abandon you over your gender. Because friends don’t do that. Real friends accept you no matter what.” He tried to make her understand.
“Ryan,” Yaz chastised, “you’re being too rough.”
“Too rough?” Thirteen repeated, more as a question than a statement, though.
“Doctor, I’m sure your friends will accept you, I can’t imagine you befriending transphobic people. But, as Ryan at least tried to say, if they do abandon you then that isn’t your fault and doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong for being yourself. Not everyone is going to stand by you when they learn the truth, but we will and I’m sure there will be others too. Right now, though, that’s not anything you need to worry about, okay? We just want to get you comfortable.”
“Yeah, Doc.” Graham agreed. “All that matters right now is figuring out what you want and need.”
“But, I don’t even know. I’ve barely accepted I’m a woman, no I’ve barely acknowledged that I’m a woman, I don’t think I’ve even accepted it yet. Not really.”
Yaz ran a hand through her hair, exhaling as hard as possible in an effort to clear out her thoughts. “Well, we’re all still learning, so it’s okay.”
“It’s okay.” Thirteen mimicked. “It’s okay.”
“It is okay.” Graham assured.
“Why—no, what. What is okay?”
Ryan answered for the group. “Everything.”
“Everything.”