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He couldnt think. He couldnt stop thinking.
He wishes he gave up instead of reaching.
Suddenly he jumped out of his bed, surprising his brothers and knocking them to the side a little as he landed on the floor. He didnt know what he was doing, but he knew he needed an out.
The sudden movement made him feel incredibly dizzy, but he ran through it.
He needed to get out of here, which meant he needed his swords. Where were his swords? They werent in his room and there was no way he was making it far without them. Donnie could fly faster than leo could run, and leo could run fast. Stupid tech.
"LEO" he heard from... somewhere, as he desperately ran through their home.
His swords were leaning against the couch in the very back area of the lair, an area rarely ever used anymore as they grew older.
"blue? what are you doing?" his pops from behind, face showing concern as he scanned his hysterical son.
Leo wanted to run away, to hide and ignore his father. He could hear his brothers searching the lair, and he didnt want to talk to them- he couldn't. He couldnt bring himself to no matter how much he rationalised it in his head.
He went to raise his sword, eyes distant and hazy as his thoughts raced, possibilities sprinted through his mind. He was snapped out of these thoughts by a hand.
A hand on his.
"my son, put the sword down and talk to me" splinter said softly, raising his other small hand to hold leos green three fingers.
That was all it took for the dams to burst, flooding the entire town. The sword became too heavy for him to hold anymore, exhausted and broken he let the blade fall to the ground. He let splinter take the handle from his hands and carefully place the katana out of reach.
Leo sobbed hysterically, hiccuping and struggling to breathe through thick globby tears. He had never seen splinter look so lost, so fast.
The slider fell to the ground, crumbling as splinter went down with him, craddling the much larger teens head in his chest in a hunched position.
Leo bawled, blubbering incoherent apologies as splinter shushed him softly, not even understanding anything the slider was saying.
"LEO oh thank pizza supreme..." raph sighed with relief when he saw his brother, not hurt or gone but in their fathers arms.
"nardo- papa, whats going on?" donnie asked, voice wavering with uncertainty.
Leo only cried harder, wailing and soaking splinters robe with tears. The rat man just gave him a kiss on the head, like he did when they were mere babies, and rubbed circles over his shell soothingly.
"it seems your brother is going through a harship, he hasnt told me anything yet. he will come around in due time, for now we focus on right here" splinter said softly.
Leo cried. He grieved. He grieved for the lives lost in the kraang. He grieved for the kraang, oddly enough. He grieved for his family, his brothers and sisters and parental figures. He grieved for new york.
He grieved for himself. For the kid he was, for the kid he is now. For the kid he fears he'll never ever be again. He grieves for his permanently damaged body, his once beautifully perfect, now forever scarred and cracked shell.
He grieved for his mind. The images and sounds that have dug their way into his poor once innocent memory and plagued his still active childhood.
He grieved for his child self, his inner child. The thought of thinking of himself as a different person, as a small child and then watching them go through and feel the thing things real leo had makes everything so much worse. So much more real.
This wasnt fair.
He cries more. He has no perception of the world around him. He doesnt even begin to hear, yet comprehend any of the voices muffled by the cotton in his ears. All he can hear is himself.
Himself is is such a foreign concept to him, because what is him? This crying, hysterical mess? The voice? The body?
Leo doesnt feel like himself.
"there you are my baby blue, very good. follow my breathing" Leo hears faintly. His dad, his dad is here. Its okay because when his dad is here everything is okay.
He wasnt there years ago, it wasnt okay. The invasion and shredder wasnt okay, but dad was there and it made it better. They're gone now, and dads here. Its okay. He didnt give up. He didnt give up he didnt give up he didnt up up-
The three turtle brothers watch, bewildered and lost. Mikey immediately sits next to his father and brother, wrapping his arms around leo faintly while trying to comfort him.
Donnie and raph hang back and just watch. They wanted to go comfort their younger brother, broken into pieces on the floor and just glue him back together. But they saw how he reacted to them in his room. He let mikey in, he didnt let them. He didnt want them. Something was wrong, something had happened and they both knew it and they needed to know so they could fix it..
The need to fix, it was something all four of them had in common. The hamato sibling need to solve, fix and protect.
Leo cries quietened down, breathing calming to an expectedly shaky but manageable state. Mikey reached for one of leos hands and squeezed tightly, supportively. The slider kept his head hidden as he sniffled, squeezing back slightly. It put a small, sad smile on the youngests face. It was a pitiful sight.
The slider wondered where his twin was, where he big brother was. Did they give up again? Did they leave him this time?
He must have voiced his thoughts out loud, because the two quickly rushed to leos side, donnie taking his other hand and raph wrapping himself around his family protectively.
"we're here nardo" donnie said softly.
"and we're not goin anywhere" raph assured, letting out low protective grumbles.
"my son, could you please look at me?" splinter asked, softly. The rat man smiled warmly when he saw his sons face, heart breaking at the sight.
"there is my beautiful boy, what is the matter leonardo?" splinter asked warmly, softly stroking leos shell.
The slider hesitated, watching his fathers eyes for any trace of frustration or annoyance, for splinter of change in his loving gaze. When he didnt find any, his bottom lip trembled. Splinter couldnt help but see leo as he was as a mere tot at the sight. His baby blue.
"i listened to the- the recordings from the invasion" leo said quietly, hiccuping from earliers violent sobs.
Donnie cursed softly, feeling stupid for leaving them out, not deleting them, not thinking ahead-
"wh-why did you- you give up on me?" leo turned his head to look towards his biggest brother, sending a glance towards donnie.
Raph thought for a moment, what was leo even talking about? Raph would never give up on his baby brothers. Ever.
mikey, its over
Oh.
leo never gave up on us, so im not giving up on him
Oh... no...
"oh leo... im so sorry little brother. i saw the explosion and just... assumed. you dont understand how heartbroken raph was, how we all were when we thought you were gone. but then mikey made the portal and we knew we could save you. we needed to save you because we need you here" raph said, voice soft and broken. He couldnt bare the thought of making his little brother so distressed like this. He hadnt even given his previous words any thought once they saved leo. He never accounted for the fact leo might have heard them in some way.
"you want me here?" leo mumbled. And if their hearts weren't shattered beyond belief before, well they were now.
"yes nardo. we really, really want you here. two reallys" leo let out another choked sob at that, squeezing limbs and bodies closer. He never wanted to let go, and the four never wanted to let go of him either.
"you think i wouldve learnt after the invasion, leon and his idiot ideas" the slider muttered, too tired for his tone to sound joking or venomous. It just landed flatly in the others ears.
"you're not an idiot, leo. you shouldnt think that way. the kraang wasn't a lesson you should have had to learn" mikey said quickly, soft but certain.
"you shouldve left me there like raph said- it was o-over" leo sobbed, voice breaking pathetically at the end.
"nardo, we thought you were dead. we didnt want you dead. theres a difference, and we'd give anything theoretically possible to keep you here" donnie says, hugging his twin.
The five sat together for a while, listening to leos sobs and little parts of his thoughts burst out in words. They just stayed with him, listening and soothing and promising, ensuring they wanted him here and they wouldnt have it any other way.
Slowly but surely leo did calm down, little hiccups and sniffles occasionally as he eas hit with a wave of exhaustion. His eyes dropped heavily, but what if he closed them and this was all a dream? What if he eas really back in the prison dimension and the times where hes home is actually when hes sleeping? What if this time he doesnt wake up?
"my baby blue, you are safe. rest" splinter soothes, smiling warmly at his distressed and stubborn son.
Donnie started scratching leos carapace lightly, careful of the shallow yet healed cracks and scraps on his once smooth shell.
Leo tried to fight exhaustion, but his family being there, holding him, made him feel like nothing could hurt him. Nothing could hurt him here.
"nothing can hurt you here" raph mumbled, and leo believed him, falling into a dreamless sleep.
The worst of it was over, they'll be okay.