Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Raph POV:
Crying was never a common thing in the Hamato household. It was bad enough to catch Mikey crying; he cried the most out of all of them. Raph never could and still can’t stand to see Mikey like that, it’s even worse when Raph is the cause; then Raph can’t point his anger to anyone but himself. Donnie has always been secretive about when he cried, everyone knew he cried but it always happened when Don was hidden away (mostly in his lab).

Then there was Leo. Leo never cried. The first and last time Raph remembered Leo crying was when they were all young tots. It was the day after they all received their weapons for the first time and they were ‘training’ (at this point they were mostly just messing around); Leo had tripped over something and ended up with a huge gash on his wrist (Leo’s the only one who can fully remember exactly what happened). Leo had almost cut off his hand and was rightfully distraught so he started crying. Master Splinter saw this and went over to help. He took Leo to the med bay and patched him up, when Leo returned to the dojo he was still teary-eyed but then Splinter told him that the injury was healing now and Leo no longer had a reason to cry over it. When Leo couldn’t stop his tears Splinter sent the other turtles out to play in the living room. Neither of them left the dojo until Leo’s tears were fully dry. Mikey was worried about Leo the whole time they waited outside the door so when he saw Leo again he started asking a bunch of questions. Leo wouldn’t answer any. Ever since that day Leo never let tears fall from his eyes.

That’s why the scene in front of Raph was so disturbing.

Chapter Text

(Timeline isn't consistent. Ch 1 is before the prologue)

Ch 1

Leo POV:
The worst kind of patrol is when nothing happens. It doesn't happen very often, I mean it's New York! Something’s always going on. somehow, it's that kind of patrol that they had just gotten back from. Raph was loudly complaining to Leo that the whole night was a waste, Donnie was grumbling a similar complaint as he trudged over to his lab, and Mikey was running around being loud.

Leo wants them all to stop. to stop talking, to stop running, to stop interacting with him at all. He doesn't mean that. Sensei would be mad if he told anyone any of that so Leo will simply shut up and deal with it.

Leo will deal with it by simply excusing himself to the dojo. Raph and Mikey mumble something about how it's always the dojo but Leo doesn't listen and doesn't care. Sensei is in the dojo. He's meditating, so Leo will too.

After a while Sensei decides it's time to train, so Leo will train. A minute or so after the training starts, Mikey slides open the dojo door to say that dinner was ready but Sensei dismissed him, so Leo will too.

It's well past the time the other turtles are in bed (or at least in their room until they actually go to bed) by the time Sensei decides that there's been enough training and it's time for bed. So Leo heads to his room quickly so he could keep Sensei’s time schedule accurate.

Once Leo reached the room and closed the door he realized that he doesn't know what to do now. The usual plan is to go to the bed he sleeps on and try his damn best to sleep but he can't do that right now.

Leo’s mind is tired, he wants nothing more than to just go to bed and not wake up. Sensei told him to go to bed. Any logic Leo’s useless mind could see was telling him to go to bed and yet he still doesn't. Something’s off. Leo just can't go to bed, it's not right.

But what’s off about it?
Patrol is done. late training is done. Maybe it's that he skipped out on dinner? No. That already happens too often to throw the rest of the routine off.

After standing on shaky tired legs for a while, he gives up and looks around the room he's spent most nights of his life.

There's a mirror directly to Leo’s right. Leo hates that mirror. It's always hard to look away once Leo glances at it and Leo really hates looking at it.

But now he was trapped and all he could do was stare at the big green weirdo staring back at her him.

He was too wide, too big, too sharp. His blue mask hid the dark eye bags but Leo could feel them. He knew they were there and that they were dark. That was his newest shame. He has always had little things he wished so badly to just not have but it got so much worse after his 15th mutation day. Before it was just a bit of discomfort about the fact that he’s a turtle mutant. Now it's specific and sharper. Leo hates how big his hands are, hates how broad his shoulders are getting, hates the blockish shape his shell and plastron make him, hates the way his leg constantly aches even though he's imagining it all and being overdramatic, hates the hard tired look his face now rests at, hates the dark eye bags that half look like edgy makeup, and Leo really hates that god damned mirror for making her him think about all of it.

Now Leo could practically see the burning hate in the eyes of the stupid monster staring back at her- him (Why does he keep thinking that?).
The burning hate finally burned down the final barrier and he shoved the mirror away. It smashed on the floor. There is glass everywhere.

“Why'd I do that…?” Leo breathed out after a minute of blankly staring at the smashed mirror on the floor.

Chapter Text

Ch 2

Leo POV:

…

There is glass on the floor.

it deserves to be there

Leo walks over it to the door, the glass cutting into the bottoms of his feet.

he deserves for it to hurt

It's morning and time for training. 

he doesn't deserve sleep

He walks out of the room he did nothing to deserve and over to the dojo. He leaves bloody footprints behind him

there should be more

Sensei is in the dojo. Leo begins to train as Sensei silently watches and judges.

everything he's doing is wrong

If he stops training he’ll die, his brothers will die, Sensei will d- No. That can't happen.

his life doesn't matter if he can't protect his brothers

He can't stop moving. He can't stop training. If he stops, he’ll collapse and fail everyone. He’ll die.

like he deserves

There's blood all over the floor. There's glass in his feet. There's dried blood on his feet. 

he deserves all of it 

He needs to train. He needs to train. He needs to trai- 

“Leo…?” Leo’s head snapped in the direction of the noise. Mikey was standing in the doorway, eyes wide in horror.

Leo froze. Suddenly the red stained floor was way too close and everything went black.

Chapter Text

Ch 3

Leo POV:
Leo never liked the med bay. It reminds him of when he was a stupid child and disappointed Sensei. The last time he cried.

[✨flashback time✨]

Leo’s wrist burned. It burned so bad it felt like it was on fire and the flames were high enough for the embers to reach the back of his eyes. He couldn't stop the tears. He’s really trying, he’s trying to stop the stupid tears harder than he’s ever tried at anything. And yet they keep coming even after Sensei bandaged the wound and returned him to the dojo with the rest of his brothers.

“Leonardo. The wound is bandaged. Your tears are inappropriate”

Leo tried to respond, he really did but it feels like the tears are flooding his throat and stopping any hope of stopping further disappointment from Sensei.

“Leonardo.” Sensei warned again.

The best Leo could manage in response was a pitiful wine dripping with the burning pain that still covered Leo’s wrist.

“Alright then. Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo. Wait outside.” Sensei didn't leave room for question. It was a demand. Leo was terrified of what Sensei would do that needed the others to leave

Each of the others had a moment of contemplation before Sensei shot then an expectant look and they left.

Sensei turned to Leo, head held high as just his eyes looked down at Leo. His face was completely blank. Sensei then moved to the middle of the room, sat down, and gestured for Leo to sit opposite of him. And that Leo did.

When Leo sat down Sensei simply looked at him. He stared at Leo, expecting something. Expecting everything. Could he see Leo’s soul? Could he read Leo’s thoughts? Does he even have eyelids? Why can't Leo stop crying? Why can't Leo just suck it up and deal with it? The more he stared the more tears seemed to gather and fall from Leo’s eyes.

It took hours before Leo ran out of tears and could leave. Leo would never let himself disappoint Sensei again.

Mikey asked a lot of questions when Leo got out. Leo couldn't answer any. His throat wouldn't open enough to speak.

[end of flash back time]

Leo opened his eyes slowly. The med bay slowly coming into view. Leo looked to his side. Raph was sitting next to Leo and Leo could hear the others outside in the main area.

“Leo?” Raph spoke up after a second.

Leo wanted to respond. Maybe he could if he tried hard enough but he was still too tired for that much effort. So Leo just looked up at Raph and opened his eyes as wide as he could to show that he was in fact awake.

“GUYS GUYS! LEO’S AWAKE!” Raph yelled to the others. Wow, talk about déjà vu.

It only took a moment or two for the whole gang to bust through the door. Mikey made it over first, practically throwing himself at the bed Leo laid on. If you could even call the med bay beds, beds
at all. Like they really suck, they're really only there as a surface for someone to be on.

“Leo! What the hell were you doing!?” Donnie half yells in concern.

It's still too much of an effort to speak and Mikey being almost on top of Leo sure doesn't help anything. Leo doesn't want to touch things right now, he wants much less for others to touch him. He wants Mikey to go away and stop touching him. He wants them all to go away. But they're his family and they're his responsibility so instead of moving away from Mikey's touch like he wants, he carefully wraps one arm around Mikey to try to comfort him. After all, the scene where he found his oldest brother that morning was probably disturbing. He still doesn't answer Donnie.

“Leo..?” This time it's April asking Leo for an explanation. although she used less words and assumed that Leo could simply know the question without her actually asking.

He just looks at her as the best response he could manage.

“Leo, you've been asleep for 14 hours. This morning, Mikey found you in the dojo at 5:00 AM. There was a bloody trail going all the way from your room to the dojo. In your room, your mirror was smashed on the floor. There were multiple shards of glass embedded pretty damn deep in your feet. And when Mikey found you, you were sloppily training in a dried puddle of your own blood. And to make all that worse, as soon as you spotted Mikey you collapsed. what. the. hell.” Donnie explained in a kind of cold concerned fury that could only come from him.

After Leo still didn't respond because he couldn't and couldn't tell them that, Mikey chimed into the conversation “Leo? Why aren't you saying anything?”

It was already hard to just keep Mikey there. The way Mikey’s skin touched Leo felt gross and wrong. Leo didn't want it and yet there he was, pretending to want Mikey close. He could barely keep Mikey there, it was *much* less likely for him to be able to respond verbally so he just looked away.

After a second of silence, Donnie spoke again “hey Mikey, maybe give Leo a bit of space.”

Mikey looked up at Donnie with a questioning look before backing up.

“Alright, let's give Leo a bit of time and when he's ready he can talk to us. Is that all right, Leo?” Donnie asked

Leo nodded and the group slowly left. Leo just sat there for a while. He took in the familiar scene of the med bay. It seemed like everywhere he looked was another memory of someone being hurt and it was always his fault. Eventually when he had already scanned the entire room he looked at himself. The cuts on his feet had been cleaned and bandaged properly.

Why couldn't he just deal with the questions? Why couldn't he just say something? it's not that hard, just say something. Why is he being difficult for no reason? He's the leader, He's the oldest, he's responsible, he needs to be able to deal with this. it's stupid and he shouldn't have these problems. He shouldn't have smashed the mirror and he should've just gotten into the goddamn bed when he was told. Leo wanted so badly to just cry and scream. Leo wanted to be normal. Leo wanted to be good. Leo wished he could let it all out and be open for once in his life but that would disappoint Sensei. Leo has to be good for Sensei. Or Sensei will be mad, disappointed, or worse. Leo can't fail the baseline of what he needs to do. He needs to be a responsible older brother and take care of his family. So that means he needs to suck it up already and go out there.
But he doesn't. He just sits there, staring down.

He stays there for a while. Who would even care if he just stopped? Everyone else was annoyed by him. They don't want him around so why should he even be here?
Because he needs to protect them, that's his job dammit!
But what's the point if everyone else hates him?
The point is he just needs to suck it up and to do it. That's what sensei wanted so that's what Leo will do.