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The couch that Natalia helped Buck to pick out was great. Best couch he'd ever had. It was stylish but comfortable, not too big for the space but big enough for him to stretch out, which was really saying something.
And every time Buck looked at it, he felt – weird. Unsettled, almost. Like there was something missing.
He bought throw pillows in three different colors. They all clashed. He picked up a couple of vintage side tables that he was sure would compliment it perfectly. They didn't.
Then one night when Natalia was working, Eddie and Christopher came over, and the three of them played video games after supper, the first time Buck had hosted them in – too long.
“See, I told you you needed a couch!” Chris said as he kicked Buck's ass for the second time. “Now I can stay over when Dad's taking an extra shift.” He made a face. “Or on a date.”
“Hey, we talked about that, mijo,” Eddie said. “Buck has a girlfriend now, he's going to be busy most nights.”
Buck's hands froze on the controller, and that gave Christopher the opening he needed to deliver the final blow. “I win!”
“Buck?” Eddie said quietly; Buck shook himself like a golden retriever coming out of a lake.
“Uh, sorry,” Buck said. “Good game, buddy. You, uh, you want another glass of water?”
“Yes, please,” Chris said, and Buck leapt to his feet.
As he dug the pitcher out of the fridge – the one he'd added a few squeezes of lime and some cucumber slices to because Christopher had been getting sophisticated with his water tastes lately – his brain felt like a train about to run off the tracks, flinging itself toward disaster. He wasn't sure why he was so messed up, it wasn't like he was never going to see Christopher or Eddie again. But Eddie was right, with Natalia and Marisol it would be harder for them all to get together, and if things got serious for either or both of them –
He took a deep breath, let it out. Don't get ahead of yourself again. You're living in the moment, remember? Appreciating every day as it comes. And this day's pretty damn good. You have your best friend in the world here with you – and Eddie's not bad, either.
He looked up when he heard laughter. “Da-aad!” Christopher said, but he was giggling through his show of pre-teen exasperation. “That's such a terrible joke!”
Eddie poked him in the side. “Then why are you laughing, huh? Huh?”
Buck felt his face splitting into a huge grin as the joy welled up inside him; it was a familiar feeling whenever he watched Eddie and his son together. And seeing them here, in his home, where they –
Buck's smile faded slowly.
The latest set of badly coordinated accent cushions were piled neatly on Buck's chair. The clashing side tables were hidden by bowls of snacks and Christopher's book bag. And the couch –
For the first time since he'd bought it, the couch looked perfect. Like nothing was missing.
Like everything was exactly where it needed to be.
Buck gripped the counter for a few seconds before he was able to keep his knees from wobbling. Then he plastered on a smile, picked up the glass of water and rejoined his company.
Natalia was beautiful, smart, sweet, giving, and hot as hell. Buck didn't usually compare women he'd been in relationships with, but there was no denying that two of them were on all levels far more compatible than he and Taylor had been. When he was with her, everything was easy.
So when they went from dinner to sitting on his couch to kissing on his couch, he should have been over the moon. At least he was until her fingers started on the buttons of his shirt.
Buck froze for a moment, then pulled back. “How about we move this upstairs?”
“Mmm, I'm not done with you down here yet,” Natalia said, moving her other hand to his thigh.
Before he realized what was happening, Buck had shot to his feet. Natalia looked up at him, clearly shocked. “What's wrong?”
What was wrong? What was wrong? Nothing should have been wrong. He had an amazing woman who was ready, willing and able to fuck his brains out, and he should have been completely on board with this scenario.
But three days ago, Eddie and Christopher had been here, on this couch. Eddie had been sitting exactly where Natalia was now, in fact. And he didn't know why that was suddenly a problem, but he knew that the idea of having sex on this same couch with his girlfriend seemed – not wrong, exactly.
Just – totally impossible.
Buck belatedly realized that Natalia was still looking up at him, her expression swiftly turning from shock to hurt. He held out his hands, and after a long moment, she took them, allowing him to pull her to her feet.
“Nothing's wrong,” Buck said. “It's only that the things I want to do with you, I'm gonna need –” he ducked down to plant a sucking kiss on her neck “– lots of room to work.”
Natalia's eyebrows shot up. “Oh,” she said, drawing the word out. “You sound like you have a plan.”
Buck's hands slid down to bracket her waist. “I sure do,” he assured her, and proceeded to spend the rest of their meandering path to the bedroom thinking one up.
On his next shift, Buck stumbled into the kitchen after not nearly enough sleep in the bunk room, groggy, out of sorts and desperate for caffeine.
Hen snorted as he passed by. “Oh my god, Buck.”
“Hm?”
“You look like you rolled out of bed and then kept rolling along the equipment bay floor,” Hen said. “Couldn’t sleep?”
“Nope,” Buck muttered, annoyed at the way his hand shook slightly as he poured himself a hot mug of legal stimulants. “I didn't sleep all that well the night before last, either.”
Hen nodded sagely. “Let me guess: relationship troubles.”
Buck paused for a moment before lowering himself carefully into a chair. “Why? Wh – what makes you think it’s – that?”
Hen nodded toward the end of the table, where Eddie sat absorbed in his phone. “Because sad sack down there has been scowling and texting Marisol for the last twenty minutes. And when one of you isn't happy in a relationship, the other one isn't happy.”
Buck made a face, trying to hide the fact his heart rate had doubled. “Are you trying to say there’s some kind of pattern?”
She cocked her head at him. “Are you trying to say there isn’t?”
Buck opened his mouth, but before he could speak Eddie was dropping into a chair beside him, then leaned forward until his forehead touched the table.
“I’ve changed my mind,” Eddie groaned into the wood. “I want to go back to being a hermit.”
Hen looked like she was literally biting her tongue, so Buck stepped up. “Uh, I thought things were going well with Marisol?”
Eddie sat up. “They are. Mostly. But she’s – eager.”
“Uh –” Buck’s brain conveniently supplied various images of what Eddie might mean by ‘eager,’ and all of them involved his best friend sweaty and moaning. He took a long gulp of his coffee.
“Not like that, geez,” Eddie sighed, reading his mind as always. Across from them, Hen chuckled. “I mean, she keeps pressuring me to do things with Christopher. The three of us.”
“Wait, I thought you said Christopher was totally on board with you dating this time,” Hen said.
“He is. It’s only that – I don’t like feeling like there’s some prescribed timeline to this. It should happen naturally.”
“Eddie, it’s not like Marisol and Chris would spend time with one another naturally,” Hen pointed out. “There has to be some level of planning involved.”
“Yeah, well, she’s trying to mess with plans I already have,” Eddie said darkly. He glanced at Buck, then looked away. “She heard we were going on that trip to Tahoe on the Labor Day weekend and wanted to come along.”
Buck tensed, his fingers tightening on the coffee cup.
“The one you and Buck have been planning down to the last detail all summer?” Hen asked. “Yeah, that’s not happening.”
“That’s what I told her. But she’s saying it would be the perfect bonding experience.”
“I thought you said she was a sweet person,” Hen said, frowning. “Her trying to muscle in on a pre-existing relationship that’s very important to Christopher doesn’t sound all that sweet to me.”
Eddie sighed. “The thing is, I haven’t – told her much about Chris. About what’s going on with him, his school, his friends. I said I wasn’t going to be available that weekend, and then she found out I was going on a trip with Christopher and she asked to come along. I got all defensive and stopped giving her information about it.”
“So she doesn’t even know Buck is coming?” Hen prodded.
Eddie’s jaw twitched. “She didn’t need to know that. We’re just dating, keeping it light, you know?”
Hen smiled gently. “Do you think that might be why she’s being ‘pushy’? Because you’ve compartmentalized her into this tiny box and after a few months it’s getting a little stuffy in there?”
Eddie poked out his bottom lip. “It’s only been three months.”
“Eddie,” Hen drawled.
“Fine, yeah. It’s reasonable. I guess – I’m being overly cautious.”
“You’re in a much better place than you were a year ago,” Hen said. “Maybe it’s time to open the box and let in some air, huh?”
Eddie nodded. “Right. Sure.” He didn’t sound enthusiastic about it.
Buck cleared his throat. “Hey, so maybe – you know, to get that process started,” he managed, “I could – invite the two of you to dinner at my place? You know, with Natalia.”
Eddie turned to him, one of his eyebrows doing a complicated, twitchy dance. Buck could feel Hen’s gaze burning into the side of his face.
“You, uh,” Eddie said slowly. “You mean a double date?”
Buck’s cheeks heated as Hen made a noise that was halfway between a cough and a laugh. “Not exactly. It’ll be pretty informal, right? Just hanging out at my apartment. Low pressure.”
Eddie barked a laugh, then looked away. “Yeah. Low steaks.”
Buck sucked in a breath, his heart hammering at his rib cage for no reason he could name.
Hen sighed as she rose to her feet. “I know it’s only seven in the morning, but I really wish I had some tequila right now.”
“So I think that – hm, show me the first one again?” On the screen, the image changed to another diagram Christopher had created. “Yeah, I think your truss bridge is a little bit off there. From the – okay, I can't give you the answer, but have another look. See if you can see it.”
“Oh yeah, those diagonal ones should be tension, not compression!” Christopher crowed.
“That's right, buddy. Good job! Fix that and you should be fine. The rest of them are great.”
“Thanks, Buck.”
“No problem,” Buck said, smiling.
Eddie poked his head in beside Christopher's. “Yeah, thanks, Buck. I'm totally useless at force diagrams.”
“Chris already said as much,” Buck said, grinning when Eddie shot his son a look of mock outrage. “Which is sort of concerning, frankly, considering a lot of what we do involves physics. Like the rope rescues.”
Eddie scoffed. “That's easy. I don't have to draw a diagram to make you go up and down, I just press a button.”
“You're hilarious,” Buck said, as Christopher giggled.
Eddie's smile dimmed a little. “Hope we didn't interrupt anything.”
Buck glanced over at Natalia, who was still curled up on the couch, scrolling through her phone. “Nah, you know I'm happy to help anytime.”
“I know,” Eddie said softly. “Good night, Buck.”
“G'night, Buck!” Christopher called.
“Night, guys,” Buck said, closing the connection and the laptop before getting up to rejoin Natalia.
“Sorry about that,” he said, as she put down her phone and treated him to a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.
“It's fine,” she said. “Homework is important.”
“So are you,” Buck said. “See, this unit – it's pretty advanced, and his dad isn't all that confident with the material –”
Natalia held up a hand. “Buck, you don't have to explain.” She paused. “But I am curious about one thing.”
“Yeah?” Buck gave her a quick kiss. “What's that?”
“When we first met, you were very insistent on filling me in on your whole history. Abby, Allie, Taylor, Lucy –”
“What happened with Lucy doesn't really count as history, to be honest. If she hadn't shown up–”
“Buck,” Natalia said gently. “What I'm trying to say is, you never mentioned Eddie.”
Buck stared at her. His throat was suddenly dry, and he cleared it before he could speak. “Um. Why would I mention Eddie?”
Natalia chuckled humorlessly. “Well, true. I mean, he's not exactly history if you work together and you're still coparenting his son.”
Buck shook his head slowly. “Coparenting?”
Natalia began ticking off items on her fingers. “You can't do anything on the third Saturday of the month because that's your 'new adventure with Christopher' time. You've had Zoom calls with him six times when I've been with you. You told me you couldn't get together last Friday because you were helping him with his history project on the Ancient Greeks –”
“Well, that wasn't so much history as it was 'making a scale model of the world's first catapult,' which worked, by the way –”
“My point is,” Natalia said gently, “that while I totally understand why you didn't feel comfortable coming out to a woman you hardly knew, it's getting pretty obvious that your relationship with Eddie was the most significant one that you've ever had. And you don't have to give me the whole play-by-play the way you did with the others; I just want you to know that I know, and I'm completely supportive of your relationship with Christopher.”
While Buck's brain made faint sizzling noises, she added, “I'm going to be totally honest with you, though: I'm a little bit apprehensive that you're not one hundred percent over Eddie. It's only – the way you talk about him sometimes, nothing I can really put my finger on. But I know that's almost certainly a 'me' problem, and I'm working on that. I dated a guy a few years ago who ended up getting back with his ex, and I fully acknowledge that's probably clouding my perception.”
Buck took a couple of deep breaths. Then took a couple more. Nope, deep breaths definitely weren't doing shit. This wasn't some random woman in an elf costume who'd known him all of thirty seconds: Natalia had been going out with Buck for months. And yet she still – she still looked at him and Eddie and Christopher and thought –
“Natalia,” he rasped. “Listen, I haven't been keeping anything from you. Me and Eddie, we're not – we've never been in a relationship. Not like that.”
Natalia stared at him. “Are you serious?”
“We work together. He's – he's my best friend, sure. And Christopher, I love him like he's my own son. The three of us have been through a lot over the years. But we're not – I'm not –” He made a helpless gesture with his hands.
I'm not in love with him. Just because I'd want them to bury me beside him if something ever happened to him, only they couldn't because I'd need to be there for Christopher. And he's not in love with me, even though he trusts me with the one person in his life he cares the most about. Even though when we're all together, it feels like home no matter where we are.
“Oh,” Natalia said slowly. “Well, damn. I read that all the way wrong, didn't I? Sorry, it's only that you've been giving me heavy 'recently divorced dad' vibes for months now.”
Buck ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, well lately I feel like I'm giving off 'alien from another planet' vibes.”
Natalia laughed, genuinely this time. “I can imagine,” she said. “Okay, so can we erase that whole conversation? Wow, I'm usually pretty good at reading people, but clearly I need to take some refresher courses.”
“Don't worry about it,” Buck said, leaning in to kiss her.
Now, if only he could convince himself to stop worrying.
This was the worst idea ever.
Okay, maybe not the worst. He's pretty sure this couldn't compete with the idea to, say, start a war or put all your savings in crypto. But on the list of crappy ideas he'd had, this was definitely in the top three, crappiness-wise.
“How long have you two been together?” Marisol asked Natalia as they sat together at Buck's dining table, her smile so sunny Buck thought he might need some SPF 50. Not that there was anything wrong with being sunny, personality-wise. When he'd gone with Eddie to repair the damage they'd caused on the call, she'd been about the nicest person he'd ever met. He just wasn't sure 'nice' was enough to sustain a long-term relationship.
“About three and a half months,” Natalia answered. She was nice, too, Buck allowed – certainly nicer than Taylor – but the slightly strained tilt to her smile told him that Marisol was maybe even too nice for her.
“Oh, wow, really? That's the same amount of time we've been seeing one another!” Marisol gushed. She nudged Eddie with an elbow. “I know you guys are best friends, but do you date girls at the same time too?”
“Of course not,” Eddie scoffed, darting a glance at Buck, who had opened his mouth to say kind of, though that was probably not a great thing to admit to, or even to admit you'd noticed. He'd been giving it a lot of thought since Hen's offhand comment, and it had occurred to him that every time one of them had been involved with a woman – including the time Eddie had started hooking up with Shannon again – the other one had followed along shortly after.
What that meant, he had no idea. Well, he had some ideas, but he was trying not to think about them.
He'd been trying not to think about a lot of stuff this past week, with varying degrees of success. It didn't help that Eddie had been acting weird ever since Buck had proposed this dinner, like he was keeping something locked down, hidden. It had reminded Buck of the time right before Eddie took a baseball bat to his bedroom, which wasn't a place he ever wanted them to go back to.
“Eds, help me with the salad, will you?” Buck asked, digging in the fridge to pull out ingredients.
“Sure,” Eddie said easily, rising to his feet and walking around the island to join him.
“Eds,” Marisol said. “Is that a nickname?”
Buck shrugged as he pulled out a chopper. “Suppose so.”
“It's cute,” Marisol said. “Eds.”
“Buck's the only one who calls me that,” Eddie said, his tone flat and unreadable.
Marisol's face fell. “Oh, well, I wouldn't –”
“It's not like I have it copyrighted or anything,” Buck interjected. He glanced at Eddie, but Eddie was ducking down to take out the chopping board and salad bowl.
“You sure know your way around Buck's kitchen,” Natalia said, taking a long sip of her wine. She was on her second glass, Buck noted absently.
Natalia had also been acting weird lately. She hadn't said anything else since their talk last week, but he had the funny feeling that she hadn't totally believed him when he'd told her Eddie wasn't his ex. And from the moment she'd shown up tonight, she'd seemed – brittle, on edge. Buck was trying not to read too much into it, but this wasn't her first comment like that.
As for Eddie, he didn't react; Buck guessed he either hadn't heard her or had chosen to pretend he hadn't heard her. He wasn't sure which was worse. “Uh, does everyone like goat cheese?” Buck asked, a little desperately. Marisol and Natalia both nodded. “Okay, great. Eddie, it's the Wally Dork for these ladies.”
Marisol blinked at him. “Um.”
Eddie rolled his eyes as he started chopping lettuce. “Sorry, it's a Christopher-Buck in joke. They made their own version of a Waldorf salad one time and they had to come up with a ridiculous name.”
“It's not ridiculous, it's genius,” Buck said. “Your kid is a genius.”
“That name has got your genius all over it,” Eddie insisted. “See, Buck hates celery –”
“I don't hate it, I'm mildly allergic. And Chris doesn't like mayonnaise and grapes. It's a texture thing, mainly.”
“So it has the apples and walnuts, but they make a balsamic dressing.”
“And throw in a little goat cheese because Christopher was on this whole goat milk kick for a while.”
“Everything had to be goats,” Eddie sighed.
“It wasn't that bad, Eddie,” Buck said, smiling.
“Shut up and start peeling those Granny Smiths,” Eddie said, dumping perfectly chopped lettuce into the salad spinner.
“You're awfully bossy for a sous-chef,” Buck said, hip-checking him as he moved to obey.
Buck looked up to see Natalia pouring Marisol the last of the wine. They silently toasted one another, then Marisol took a long, deep drink.
Buck glanced at Eddie, but he was too busy with the spinner to notice. He supposed it was probably for the best.
“I know she's a licensed counselor,” Buck grumbled, flopping onto Eddie's couch beside him, “but calling me 'codependent' while she was dumping me was not all that helpful.”
“I don't think death doulas have to be licensed,” Eddie said a little archly as he took a sip of his beer. Buck was on his third, and he thought this might be Eddie's fourth, but two nights after their disastrous dinner and one night after both of them were simultaneously made single again, neither of them really gave a shit.
“Oh no, she's also a licensed counselor,” Buck insisted. “She made sure I knew that. And then she started ticking off some of the hallmarks of a codependent personality on her fingers.”
“Hm,” Eddie said.
Buck sighed. “I mean, she was right about a few of them.”
“I still don't think dating you for a few months entitles her to diagnose you as anything.”
“She was talking about both of us, actually,” Buck said, wincing as Eddie glared at him. It was probably best that Buck stopped there, because the last thing Natalia had said to him wasn't something he thought Eddie would understand.
“Uh, so what did Marisol say when she broke up with you?”
Eddie lifted a shoulder. “She told me she didn't think we were suitable.”
Buck raised his eyebrows as he took another drink. “Oh, I'm calling bullshit on that, Diaz. No, come on, what did she really say?”
Eddie cocked his head. “Wait a sec, was that Christopher calling just now?”
“Christopher is sound asleep and you know it,” Buck said, poking him in the side with a finger.
“Watch it,” Eddie said, squirming away from him and making a couple of drops of beer spill from the top of the bottle.
“Oooh, you're ticklish,” Buck said, making claw hands at him like a vampire on the prowl in an old movie. He wiggled his fingers. “Spill your secrets or I pounce.”
Eddie set his beer down on the coffee table and folded his arms. “I'm not telling you. It'll give you a big head. Even bigger than the one you have now.”
Buck frowned, his hands lowering. “Fine, if you really don't want to tell me, it's no big deal.”
Eddie pointed a finger at him. “That's reverse psychology, and it's not going to work.”
“Eds, I don't –”
“She said I acted like I was in love with you.”
Buck's heart stopped, then started, then ran around his chest screaming, then gently fluttered back into place. “Uh.”
“Yeah, uh. Ridiculous, right?”
“Ridiculous,” Buck repeated hollowly, maybe because Natalia's parting shot had been the both of you should do the women of Los Angeles a favor and admit you're in love with each other.
Then Eddie's words sank in. “Wait a minute. Why is it ridiculous? Am – am I unlovable or something?”
“Of course not.”
“Does my breath smell? Do I chew with my mouth open? Am I otherwise repulsive to you?”
“Jesus, Buck,” Eddie muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Then what? Why is it ridiculous?”
Eddie looked up at him, his gaze challenging, his jaw set in a firm line, and Buck did not find that sexy at all. “Fine, it's perfectly plausible that I could be in love with you. Happy?”
“Ecstatic,” Buck muttered, even more put out because that hadn't sounded sincere at all and yet he still felt like fainting a little bit.
Eddie raised his chin. “She also told me you acted the same way around me.”
“Yeah? Well, you know, that's just like, her opinion, man.”
Eddie stared at him, then fell apart laughing.
“Shhhh.” Buck shoved gently at Eddie's shoulder. “Don't wake up Christopher.”
Eddie bit his lip to stifle his giggles, wiping at his eyes. “I regret ever introducing you to the work of the Coen brothers.”
“Don't change the subject.”
“Don't – you're the one quoting Jeff Bridges!” Eddie protested.
“My point is, that's only her view of it. We should take it for what it's worth. She didn't really know us.”
“Right,” Eddie said. “Neither did Natalia.”
Buck nodded. “I guess it could be hard for any women we date to understand our friendship. We're not a couple of frat house bros who went to college together and still hang out to talk about – I dunno, the stock market or whatever.”
“And your relationship with Christopher – that's another thing that's hard to explain without dredging up a lot of painful history that I can't get into with someone I hardly know.”
“Yeah, it's – complicated. People who haven't been through the stuff we have would have a hard time seeing why he's so important to me.”
“You're important to him, too. He loves you nearly as much as he loves me.” Eddie smiled. “Maybe more on days when I make him eat spinach.”
Buck's heart flopped around a bit more at that. “Oh, that's – um,” he managed, staring at his hands where they sat twisted in his lap. “That's – really great to hear.”
“Hey,” Eddie murmured, making Buck look up. “I know I should tell you this stuff more often. Sometimes it feels like – you don't always realize how much you mean to us.”
Buck frowned. “No, uh, I do. It's just –”
“You don't always trust it's real.”
Of course Eddie knew that about him. Buck ducked his head. “Busted. I should, though, right?”
Eddie's hand covered one of Buck's, squeezed his fingers and then – stayed there. Buck sucked in a breath.
“Yeah,” Eddie said, the warmth clear in his tone even before Buck looked up to meet his gaze. “You should.”
The blood was roaring in Buck's ears. Eddie's hand was warm, holding Buck's like it was the easiest thing in the world. Like they did this every day.
Buck tried to imagine a world where Eddie held his hand every day.
Fuck, that world sounded amazing.
Buck licked his lips. He wasn't drunk, but he was tipsy enough that he could get the words out before the fear of having read this all wrong tackled them and stopped them from escaping. “I, uh, for what it's worth – it's plausible that I could be in love with you too.”
Eddie's eyes widened almost comically, and Buck had a short, sharp panic attack that caused him to babble, “I mean, hypothetically, right? We were – you were talking hypothetically.”
Eddie opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. “Hypothetically. Yeah.”
“You're really a lovable person, Eds. Anyone would be a dope not to – uh, fall for you.”
“Are you calling Marisol a dope?” Eddie asked, his eyes dancing with mirth.
Buck's face twisted. “Sort of? Yes?”
“Okay, so that means Natalia's a dope, too.”
Buck took a deep breath, then let the pad of his thumb skate over the backs of Eddie's knuckles. Eddie went completely, absolutely still.
“They're not, though,” Buck murmured. “Are they?”
Eddie stared at him for a long, breathless moment. “Do you? Think they're right about us, I mean?”
“I asked you first,” Buck said.
“Buck, Jesus,” he groaned, closing his eyes. “I'm terrified I've had just enough to drink that I'm about to ruin the best friendship I've ever had.”
“The best? Really?” Buck asked, smiling.
Eddie opened his eyes. “Missing the point, here.”
“Isn't that the point, though?” Buck asked, shifting a little closer. “You're the best friend I've ever had too.”
“Not all best friends are in love with one another,” Eddie protested weakly.
“Yeah, but when the person you love is also your best friend – that's pretty fantastic, isn't it?”
“I wouldn't know, I've never had that before,” Eddie said, his gaze dipping to Buck's mouth.
“Me neither,” Buck said, leaning in until he could feel Eddie's breath against his lips. “Until now.”
Eddie's free hand came up and cupped Buck's cheek. His thumb swept boldly over Buck's lower lip, making Buck shiver.
“It's a good thing you're a hell of a lot braver than I am,” Eddie murmured.
“Eds –” Buck whispered. “I – I'm not –”
Eddie's thumb tapped against Buck's mouth. “No, you are. And you make me want to be brave. So I'll tell you I want to kiss you. I've been wanting to kiss you for a long damn time.” He shook his head. “Man, there were days I was sure I'd go to my grave without ever saying that out loud.
“But I've also had three and a half beers, and I know this sounds corny as hell but the first time I kiss you, I want to be stone cold sober. I want to be able to experience every single second of it, in full Technicolor and surround sound, okay?”
Buck's throat got tight. “Eddie, fuck, that's got to be the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.”
Eddie barked a laugh, then looked in the direction of Christopher's room and winced. “Listen, you are not the only one with skills.”
Buck leaned his forehead against Eddie's, the joy bubbling up inside him making him feel like he was going to burst. “Oh boy, you did not say 'skills' like there's a z on the end. I take it all back.”
Eddie pulled back, grinning. “Christopher's been calling me 'cringe Dad' lately, makes sense you'd be on his side.”
“That kid knows what's what,” Buck said, and Eddie chuckled as he stood and turned to Buck.
“Will you come to bed with me?” Eddie asked, his expression turning so guarded and hopeful Buck felt a pricking at the corners of his eyes. “Just to sleep for tonight. But in the morning...”
Buck cocked his head and smiled. “In the morning...”
Eddie held out a hand. “We try ruining a friendship?”
Buck let Eddie pull him to his feet, then laced their fingers together. Raising their joined hands to his lips, he planted a gentle kiss on Eddie's scarred knuckles.
“Or we try making it even better,” Buck said.
Eddie swallowed, then nodded. “Yeah,” he rasped. “I like that idea.”
Buck woke up just after dawn and crept off to the bathroom to wash the worst of the beer fuzz out of his mouth and the sleep out of his eyes. And then he carefully crawled back into the bed and simply – looked at Eddie. As he did, he thought about how quickly they'd gotten here; after all, only a day and a half ago they'd both been with completely different people.
Okay, so you could argue that it had taken longer, maybe a lot longer, depending on when you started the clock. Did you start it from you can have my back any day or you wanna go for the title or because, Evan? Did you start it from the moment Buck had noticed his reawakened heart beat faster when Eddie showed up at his apartment in a blue suit tailored to perfection, when he'd seen Eddie's gaze dip appreciatively at his own glow up?
None of those starting points really felt right in the end, because there had been too many obstacles in the way, memories of pain and neglect and regrets and the defences they’d both built to keep from seeing what was right in front of them for years. Last night, everything had finally fallen away. Surprisingly, it hadn't been an explosive demolition, simply a gentle collapse into one another's arms.
Well, not literally: by mutual agreement, they'd kept things G-rated as they got ready for bed, only their hands entwined as they drifted off to sleep. Buck had known that if they attempted so much as a hug, neither of them would have been able to stop. And Eddie had asked to wait, and Buck wanted more than anything to give him what he needed.
“You stare at me much longer, I'm gonna have to charge you,” Eddie murmured, eyes still closed.
Grinning, Buck “Oh yeah? You say that to all the boys?”
“Just the ones who look but don't touch,” Eddie said, opening his eyes.
That was all the invitation Buck needed. Reaching up, he cupped Eddie's cheek. “Like this?”
“That's a start,” Eddie said, turning his head to kiss Buck's palm. “Good morning.”
“Good morning,” Buck said. “You sleep okay?”
“I slept great,” Eddie answered, mouth curving in a smile. “And I'm not used to sharing a bed.”
“Remember when we slept together during lockdown?”
“Yeah,” Eddie said. “I remember that morning you woke up wrapped around me like an octopus with your morning wood poking me in the back.”
“Oh God,” Buck moaned, resting his forehead against Eddie's chest. “That was so embarrassing.”
“You couldn't look at me for three days,” Eddie said, his fingers tangling in Buck's hair. “And it took me nearly two years to admit to Frank how much I liked it.”
Buck lifted his head. “So you haven't – I mean you've never –”
“I've never done anything with a guy, if that's what you're asking. Have I wanted to? Not often. But I haven't wanted to be with that many women either. I don't know if it's residual Catholic guilt or the way I'm wired, or both. Doesn't really matter either way. When I want someone, I want them.”
“And you want me?” Buck asked.
Eddie's fingers traced the curve of Buck's ear. “We wouldn't be here if I didn't.”
“Oh, yeah, right,” Buck said, nodding. “Makes sense.”
Eddie cocked an amused eyebrow at him. “Buck?”
“Yeah?”
Eddie's smile turned downright evil.
And that was all the warning Buck got before Eddie did some kind of ninja army maneuver and flipped Buck effortlessly onto his back.
“Guh,” Buck said, because holy shit, that was hot. Eddie was straddling Buck's hips, and while they were both wearing shorts, the material was – uh, really thin. Like Buck hadn't considered how thin this material was, it was really, really obvious that Eddie was –
“Sorry,” Eddie said, not sounding sorry at all. “You were taking your sweet time, I needed to get you moving.”
Buck tried to style it out a little. “The anticipation finally got to you, huh?”
Leaning down, Eddie nipped at Buck’s chin, the bite just sharp enough to send a shiver along Buck’s spine. “Is that what you were doing? Building the anticipation?”
“N – not exactly,” Buck admitted, his swagger crumbling like a stale cracker. “I was sort of spiraling.”
“I noticed,” Eddie murmured, lips brushing Buck’s in a teasing caress. “Any reason why?”
“You – uh. You said you wanted to really experience our first kiss. And I – I want you to have that so much, but I'm not sure how the hell to make sure you get it.”
Eddie looked down at Buck, his gaze impossibly fond. “Buck. You're possibly the kindest, most generous person I've ever met. You give so much to everyone, and I know that if you could you'd give me the perfect kiss. But you can't.”
Before Buck could protest, Eddie pressed his lips to Buck's left cheekbone, then his right. “Perfection doesn't exist in this world. My breath isn't the freshest.” Another kiss to Buck's forehead. “Our teeth are going to clack together.” Another kiss to the tip of Buck's nose. “Neither of us have button noses so there's gonna be some awkward head-tilting and possible collisions. But that's okay, because this kiss has us. And that's all we need.”
Buck arched, lips grazing Eddie's jaw. “Eddie Diaz, if you don't kiss me in the next five sec –”
Their first kiss was a mess. Buck's nose did end up mashed into Eddie's cheek and neither of them had the best breath and it ended too soon when Eddie broke into giggles as Buck's hands spanned his waist.
But Eddie was right. In the end, it had everything they needed.