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“Kaz! Wake up!” Kaz turned away from his brother’s voice, twisting the blankets with him into a cocoon. He heard a huff and then the blankets were yanked out from his small hands. His fingers searched for them, his eyes still shut.
“I have your blankets, you doof,” said Jordie. “Get up.” Kaz’ response was a groan that said leave me alone. Jordie had always joked that there was nothing in the world Kaz would like to do more than sleep. He slept in the haystacks, in the wheat fields, hell, Jordie had even caught him dozing in the pig’s pen one lazy afternoon. Waking his little brother up was like raising the dead. Still, Jordie seemed to have the most luck out of anyone with the task. It had gotten to the point where their Da had given up on trying himself in the mornings and delegated waking Kaz up to Jordie. However, this time it was not the morning. In fact, the sun was nowhere to be seen.
Jordie narrowed his eyes at his brother, still curled up in a little ball in his bed. He sighed dramatically.
“All right, I guess you’ll have to wait until next month to see the big moon, Kazzie.” Kaz sat up before Jordie could turn around. It took everything in him to hide his grin at his victory.
“The big moon?” Kaz’ eyes were big as a look spread across his face that Jordie recognized as an unstoppable amount of curiosity.
“Yeah, the big round one. Too bad you’re too tired to see it.” Kaz pouted at the challenge.
“I’m awake. I wanna see the big moon.” Jordie couldn’t contain his grin this time.
“If you insist.”
Jordie held out a hand out for his brother. The small boy took it and held on tight as they tiptoed outside. When Kaz asked if their Da would be mad to see them awake so late, Jordie squeezed his hand tighter and pressed one finger to his lips. No one had to know.
The cool summer breeze caressed the two boys as they sat in the field. Kaz thought the sky was pitch black, but when he really looked at it there seemed to be a thin blue fog coating it. It reminded him of the blue dress his mother used to wear.
The sky looked like it could stretch on forever. How long was forever? The moon seemed to know exactly where that was–It sat at the very top. Kaz wondered if he could count as high as the moon.
“Jordie, do you think the moon is magic?” Kaz tilted his head quizzically, never once taking his gaze from the moon. Jordie laughed.
“Magic isn’t real.”
“So how does the moon get so big?” Jordie opened his mouth, then closed it.
“Alright. I suppose it is magic.” Kaz nodded. Magic. That had to be it.
As if it knew the story that was yet to be told, a dark cloud quickly covered the precious moon. Kaz frowned. Before he could ask what happened, his big brother spoke calmly.
“It’ll come back.”
It was almost exactly one year later that Kaz Brekker looked at the same moon from the harbor. Everything in him ached. His lungs burned with every breath. It took everything in the small boy to keep his eyes open. Through his squinted eyes, he made out a faint but familiar glow in the sky. It shimmered almost tauntingly. Kaz wanted to cry, to beg it to save him. Once again, a dark fog slowly hid the last bit of light. He wasn’t sure he would ever see it again.
The Bastard of the Barrel spent most nights buried in paperwork or duping any merch stupid enough to cross his path. Well, almost any merch.
He also spent a handful of nights with a very specific feared woman. She would silently slip into his room in the evening, and he would know in an instant.
It had frustrated Inej when they first met. He enjoyed watching the way her lip pouted ever so slightly when he said her name like she was in plain sight.
I was silent. You couldn’t have heard me.
Perhaps your saints lended me a hand. She glared at him. He thought that he would give anything for her to look at him like that again.
Shevrati.
Eventually she stopped trying to sneak up on him. There was an unspoken agreement that he would always see her.
Or rather, maybe he would always feel her. Her presence was one that silently demanded noticing. For many it came off as someone to be feared, but never for Kaz. Sometimes when she was brushing through her hair she would wordlessly offer the brush to him and he would carefully glide it through each strand–his gloves casted aside. Those were the good days.
Today, Kaz sat on the roof of the slat. It wasn’t particularly comfortable. It was damp, porous, and it smelled like all of Ketterdam: old salt water. And yet, he couldn’t make himself get up.
The sky was an ugly thing in Ketterdam. It was a murky gray at best, even in the rich merchant district. It was never the stars that guided people here at night, it was the candles burning in gambling dens, pleasure houses, and clubs.
“Kaz.” He inhaled deeply.
“Inej.” He squeezed his cane as he stood.
“Roofs are typically my terrain.”
“I was looking at the view.”
“Has it changed?”
“No.”
Inej nodded, and then handed him a mug with some kind of tea.
“Sit,” she said, and he did, stretching his bad leg out. “It’s a Suli blend,” she said, sipping from her own mug. “It helps with sleep.”
He should have expected her to notice. “Did Nina tell you?”
“Those dark circles give it away.” Inej tilted her head to the side, considering. “That, and Nina told me to get my angry doof to sleep for more than two hours.” Kaz shook his head.
“Of course she did.”
Inej sipped her tea. “What is this about, Kaz?”
Kaz squeezed his hands around his mug. For her, he would talk.
“It’s May,” he said. It was a start. “The same month as…” His voice trailed off, but Inej knew what he meant.
“Jordie?” she whispered. There was no pity in her voice, only an invitation to continue. Hearing his brother's name spoken sent a wave of pain through his body. The water lapped at his ankles, begging him to join them. Kaz nodded, and forced himself to repeat his brother’s name.
“Jordie.” Another breath. “So I stopped seeing Jesper and Wylan.”
“Why?” Kaz squeezed his hands tighter around his mug.
“Jesper,” he whispered. Confusion crossed Inej’s face, then a melancholic kind of understanding.
What do you think my forgiveness looks like, Jordie?
Who the hell is Jordie?
“Oh, Kaz…” Inej’s voice trailed off. She opened her mouth, then closed it. “You know Jesper worries about you. He… we all do.” Inej breathed deeply. “Keeping him in the dark can’t help you.” Kaz nodded. For once, he didn’t tease her about her Suli proverbs.
“I know.” Inej gingerly shifted her hand towards his, leaving room for him to move away. His fingers twitched slightly, then locked with hers. His eyelashes fluttered as he leaned into her frame. Inej laughed softly.
“You look exhausted, shevrati . Of course Nina was fretting like a mother hen.”
“We’ve established that.”
“And yet you’re still awake.”
“It would seem that way.” Inej hummed, leaning her head on Kaz’. She shut her eyes as her hair spilled over his back. “He liked the moon,” Kaz rasped, then added “Jordie”. Inej squeezed his hand tighter.
“We would sneak out at night when our Da was sleeping. He told me the moon was magic. I believed him.”
Inej laughed. “Kaz Brekker believing in magic.”
“Rietveld.”
“What?”
“Rietveld,” he repeated. “My name was Kazimir Rietveld”
Inej sat up abruptly. “ Kazimir Rietveld, ” she whispered, as if testing how it felt on her tongue. An uncontrollable grin spread across her face.
“If you tell anyone I’ll deny it.” Inej laughed. It was that laugh. Kaz squeezed her hand tenderly.
“And what about now, Kazimir Rietveld?” she said. “Do you think the moon is magic?”
There was a pause. Kaz looked at the same moon he had all those years ago, then back at Inej. Something about her gaze was like she was gently cupping his face; her eyes shimmered with lunar reflection. There was so much beauty in her eyes, and he was lost in it.
“You need to sleep,” Inej said, bringing him back. “We’ll talk more in the morning.” She gently brushed a strand of hair behind his ear.
“Not the moon,” he answered. Just you.