Work Text:
“I’m gay.”
Eddie almost chokes on the piece of toast he is eating at the confession of his best friend. He looks at Richie with a confused look, because, what else can a man do after this kind of conversation starter? He blinks and slowly swallows his bite before carefully responding.
“Con…grats?”
“What kind of reply is that?”
“The kind that comes after that kind confession man! What do you want me to say?! I love you, you're my best friend and that… thing doesn’t change anything between us.”
Richie frowns. Oh great. He’s not happy. Eddie sighs and puts his toast on his plate. If he's gonna have this conversation, he doesn’t want to choke to death, thank you very much. He takes his time, trying to find the good words to say, the right thing to do, but he’s so… unsure.
“Thank you for trusting me with that. And, I mean it. It doesn’t change anything, Rich. Still friends and all. It’s not like I can kick you out of the house or-”
“Well, good, cause that would have been awkward. It’s kinda my house.”
“Yeah.”
Silence. Eddie thinks that might be the end of it, but he can see that Richie was not done. He fixes him as if he wanted to add more, say more stuffs than just the “I’m gay” revelation. He opens his mouth a couple of times, adjusts his glasses like he does when he is too nervous about something and Eddie just… cannot let him simmer like that. He takes a breath in before asking like it’s the most mundane thing in the world.
“So… like… when did you.. figure it out? In between fighting a space-demon or after or…?”
“Since, like, as long as I can remember” Richie looks happy at the perch Eddie was handing him. He grabs at it with all his might, finally able to talk. Eddie restarted eating, listening to his friend explaining the “awakening” or whatever it’s supposed to be.
“Like most people I guess. When you are in the middle of puberty and you look at porn but like… you prefer to look at the dude than the lady?” Eddie feels like there is something else the man wants to say but cannot bring himself to conjure. It’s not like Eddie could understand what he was saying anyway.
“Hm. Yeah sure. The big ‘pubertyTM’. Right.” He rolls his eyes without thinking too much. Like it is just one of Richie's many lame jokes. Not a first, never a last. He heard about it but never believed it . After all, everybody is just a liar when saying they are willing to bang everything that can move. And he, for sure, will not believe Richie fucking Tozier to talk about it seriously.
Richie looks at him, hurt in his eyes and Eddie doesn’t understand why. He frowns as he finishes his breakfast. He gives him a head nod, the kind that says “what’s the problem” before he speaks. Confusion still in his voice.
“What’s with that look like, man?”
“Are you fucking laughing at me?”
“What? No! If someone is laughing here, it’s you with your ‘my dick was hard at looking at other dicks’! … God sorry, that’s sound so wrong-”
“Well I don’t go around laughing at you about how your dick is getting hard by looking at titties!”
“Cause it doesn’t!”
Silence. It is now Richie’s turn to frown as he looks at his friend. Eddie himself is just frozen at his own admission. But it is true. He never felt that kind of urge. Not that he didn’t try to, like everyone else, but he never understood the appeal. Everything was always too… unrealistic! Like, why would a plumber accept having sex instead of money?! Or what kind of woman would try to call a pizza place in hope to bang the delivery man who is most likely a delivery boy of 16 year-old?! That just does not make sense and..!
“But you were married.”
“Thank you for the reminder, asshole.”
“To a woman”
“Yes, indeed. Another truth like that in your pocket?”
“And… you never…?”
“Oh my god, Rich, I swear-”
“Are you gay?”
“NO!” Eddie screams and he regrets almost instantly. He should not have screamed. Not when his best friend just told him that he is gay. He must look like a jerk right now.
Before putting himself in more shit, Eddie decides to get up and bring his plate to the sink. Yes. Like if walking five steps will solve any problem. He tries not to think much of it. Because the truth is, he did try to look at more… masculine oriented adult fun-time at some point in his life. But the reaction was the same. Ranging from boredom to plain rage as he yells at the actors doing ridiculous things on screen that defy physics. None of it makes sense! Nothing.
And so, hearing Richie confess so easily to be able to “get going” by just looking at another man’s dick makes him feel… weird. Like he is missing something. Like a big joke that everybody gets except him.
“So…” Richie started as he finished cleaning his plate. Eddie cannot contain a groan and turns to face his friend, crossing his arms over his chest. “ …No titties, no dicks to make little Edward grow?”
“Can you remind me why I’m friends with you again?”
“You love meeee!”
“Starting to doubt it.”
“Ouch, my heart!” Richie puts his hands on top of his chest, where his heart should be. Eddie only rolls his eyes so hard he almost knocks himself out. Such a drama queen.
“But like, for real, Eds. You never… like… look at someone and just want to… you know!”
“No. I do not. Go on, explain it to me Professor Tozier!”
“Well… you know! Just… be with them! And… see them naked and touch them at specific places and feel them everywhere around you. In you. Just, being one and intimate and…”
“Wow. Sounds so fake. You are definitely watching way too many movies.”
“What do you mean? It’s real! It’s what sexual attraction feels like!”
“Uhuh. Sure. And I’m the pope.”
Again. That stupid silence. Eddie was beginning to hate it. He looks around him, looking for anything, any reason to escape this stupid conversation with his dumb friend. He doesn’t like the way he is looking at him. With this confusion, but also.. petty? Was he fucking pettying him because he was not buying his stupid joke again?!
“For fuck’s sake, Rich! Stop with that look already!”
“You never felt it.”
“Told you, no, and it sounds fake anyway. Like, totally what Hollywood wants you to believe it is. Heat of passion, everybody losing their head just for some butts like they cannot look at a mirror to see their own. They are not missing anything you know! God, I hate when movies do that!”
Richie is still looking at him, but differently. Not petty anymore. Something more.. weird. Like he knows something that Eddie doesn’t. Like the answer to the secret of the universe or something. And Eddie doesn’t like that. At all. He feels sick. He doesn’t want to continue this conversation anymore.
He walks past Richie, straight to his office. He needs to work soon anyway. It won’t hurt starting earlier if he can get out of this talk. He really doesn’t need that. He had his mid-life crisis already when he defeated Pennywise and Myra dumped his ass for that. He is already in bad shape as it is, crashing with his friend for a year now, with no plan to find his own apartment anytime soon. Right now, all he wants to do is work so he doesn’t have to look at Richie. Doesn’t have to feel. Just work.
Unfortunately for him though, Richie did not get the memo. He follows him quickly for his age. Eddie groans when he tries to close his door, but is stopped by his stupid friend’s stupidly long arms. He turns around, ready to fight him with all his might.
“You’re like that when they do romance in movies too.”
“Of course I am! Because no one is stupid enough to throw their life away for a woman they talk to for maybe 10 minutes total!” Eddie punctuated his words with some hand movements. Kaspbrak Karate Chops like Richie likes to call them.
Something passes Richie’s eyes that Eddie couldn’t quite place. Regret? Pain? Like he would be the idiot to do that.
“...I would do it. Not for a woman, but for...” Eddie takes his hands to his face, trying very hard not to scream. Or commit murder in his own house.
“Of course you would, hm? And what will you say next? That ‘LoveTM’ is also like the movies? You feel dumb and full of butterflies and want to kiss and cuddle and all that shit?”
“YES! Yes, it is like that!”
He seems so desperate in the tone of his voice. Eddie couldn’t understand why. Why all of that was important. Why were they talking about it? Why does Richie want so much from him to tell him… what exactly? If Eddie was sure of a thing it’s that he is not gay. Especially not gay for the Trashmouth! He lowers his hands and takes a deep breath. He needs to calm down a bit before work.
“That sounds so fake, man. Come back when you have a better joke to tell me, ok?” He goes to close his door again, but this time, Richie doesn’t stop him. He just says quickly as the door closes on him.
“I’ll send you info! Look at it!”
Eddie rolls his eyes again, thinking he will not do that. He has work to do, bills to pay, and thoughts to chase from his mind. He sits down at his desk, trying to clear his mind before starting his day at work. He opens his laptop, ready as much as he can, when his phone vibrates on his desk. He looks quickly. From Richie, of course. He shakes his head and turns his phone to face down, the screen against the wood of his desk. He has no time for that right now.
Maybe at his break.
********
“What the fuck is that, Tozier?!”
Eddie towers over Richie, profiting from the fact that the taller man was eating at the kitchen table to do so. His friend stops his hand, looks at its fork, then back at a very upset Eddie.
“Uhm… Leftovers? Want some?”
“Not that! The texts!”
“Oh!” Richie puts his bite in his mouth and Eddie needs to look away quickly, knowing that his friend will speak even with food in his mouth. “Easy. ’S the info I talked about. Asexuality-”
“I’m not a fucking plant”
“-and aromantic-”
“I might smell nice but..!”
“Dude, did you read what I sent?”
Eddie freezes for a second, finally daring looking at his friend. Richie seems… tired of him. Tired of his bullshit. Well, that is new. Normally it’s the other way around. But, if Eddie must be honest with himself, he can be a little shit when he wants. Point and case, right here and now. The silence is enough of an answer to Richie who just sighs and puts down his fork.
“And I bet that you will not read it.”
“You sent stupid Buzzfeed links, dickwad. You know that you cannot trust those guys”
“Fine! I’ll explain to you then! Sit.”
Eddie is not in the mood for that. It’s just his lunch break, he doesn’t want to waste it on this conversation again. And yet, he sits, in front of Richie who pushes his plate away a bit. Eddie looks at him, arms crossed on his chest, waiting as Richie starts to talk and explain in a way that is too serious for the comedian.
“Let’s start with… Ok. Let’s start with sex and love. Or more like sexual attraction and romantic attraction.”
“This morning bullshit?”
“Yes, Eds, this morning ‘bullshit’, that is not so much bullshit. Most humans feel it to some degree. They see someone and want to bang them or romance them. Most of the time, both of those things are aligned. Straight people want to bang AND romance opposite sex.”
Eddie doesn’t reply, but he doesn’t run away either. He listens, his eyebrows knitting together as he tries to understand his friend but also tries to see if it’s still all a big joke. Richie continues.
“And some people do not feel that at all. Or under circumstances . Some will feel the ‘bang’ portion of the thing but not the romance. These are aroMANtic, not to be confused with aroMAtic. It’s shortened to aro most of the time …good?”
“Uhuh. So I smell bad, got it.”
“I can arrange that with my cologne if you-”
“No. If I want cancer, I will go with something other than your stupid cologne, thank you very much.”
“Ok, well, some people also don’t feel the ‘bang’ portion, but do the romance. Those are called asexual. Or ace. Which is, by the way, so much more badass than gay. Which brings you. Who… I think, doesn’t feel… any of those.”
Eddie looks at him but doesn’t really see him. He feels weird, not in a good way. Like he was dunked in a pool of icy water. Like his whole world turned upside-down. Like if he doesn’t belong here. On this planet, as a human. He feels like a monster. Or a robot. He grabs his arms with force, rage bubbling inside him. The focus comes back and he looks Richie straight in the eyes. The other man flinches, but Eddie doesn’t care at the moment. His voice is low, dangerous, angry.
“Fuck you Tozier. I’m not a fucking monster!”
“That is not-!”
“I feel love, you asshole!” he says as he stands up, too angry to stay put. He needs to get out. He needs fresh air, he needs to run away from that conversation. He should not have listened to Richie. Of course! Everything always ends like that with him! He looks around for an exit, a way to run. His office is not enough. Maybe he can go to his company building? Finish his day there and then just drive around the city forever and…
“Eds, I’m not saying-”
“Don’t call me that! I hate it! I hate you! I’m not a monster, I’m not a robot, I know what love is and just because I don’t want to fuck, that doesn’t mean I’m not able to!”
Eddie leaves the kitchen in a hurry, putting on his shoes and grabbing his keys quickly. He needs to get out. He needs to get out. He needs to. He opens the door, ignoring the pleas of Richie. He cannot. Not now. He will say things he will regret later or, worse, cry. And right, right now, he can’t. So, he slams the door behind him and runs to his car. Working. Working will solve his problems. Working and not thinking of any of that.
*******
No work is done today. Not that Eddie is not trying to. When he enters the building, his colleagues are surprised to see him. After all, it’s one of his “home-office day” not “office-office day”. Yet, here he is, saying hellos and good afternoons to everyone, indulging in the small talk. Everything to get away from the thoughts Richie put in his mind.
But all good things need to come to an end. Soon, Eddie is alone at his desk and the thoughts creep in. Quickly. He tries to work, really tries, but he is going nowhere. Rereading the same two sentences again and again, not understanding them.
And anybody knowing him, or even not, can see how much stress he is under. Just the way he clicks his pen. He clicks it so much that at one point, the damned thing just breaks in his hand. Eddie swears and closes the case he’s not so working on.
Screw it. If I’m not working, might as well!
Nice final thought for the small man as he opens the browser on his computer and starts looking at the links Richie sent him. He shivers as he clicks on that website he hates so much. He wishes his friend would have sent him something better, more verifiable, but it is a start. He reads everything he can on Buzzfeed before doing his own research with better sites.
It is like a rabbit hole. There are so many terms, sub-classifications and definitions. Eddie starts to feel a bit overwhelmed with all the information, but he continues. Once he is familiar with the terms, he starts looking at experience from people who are ace or aro. Or both. And the worst is, he sees himself in most of those.
The feeling of missing something when everybody is talking about sex, like it’s some kind of strange language you are not allowed to learn. The feeling of alienation when they talk about sex and romance like some stupid disney movies. The feeling of confusion when looking at porn and not understanding the appeal. The feeling of missing something important. Something that makes humans… human. The love, the sexual attraction. The raw emotion portrayed in movies, in books, in songs and everything in between. The feeling of being excluded without even knowing how or why.
He always felt like that, but he just thought it was because of his mother. The way she talked about sex and romance like it would kill Eddie if he so much thought about it. After all, what is more disgusting than a human being? Three percent of the weight of a human is pure bacteria! The mouth and the hands are the worst offenders! And, of course, that’s where most of the romantic gestures come from! It was just logic to hate anything like that when he was a kid.
But now? Away from his mother and Myra? He has no excuses. No rhyme or reason to believe that anymore. And not wanting it. Yet, he is not craving it. Not wanting it, not thinking of it and it was fine . Really fine. Not that Eddie is not sad about the fact he could, maybe, never feel those feelings. It might be nice, sometimes, but he is not missing it. He is contented.
And fuck! If he wants to fuck at some point or kiss or whatever, he could! It’s not because he is ace or aro or both that he could not want it just for the thrill of it! Just for the feeling of it, the good stuff coming from it. Not feeling a so-called ‘need’ is not a reason for not wanting it from time to time. With the right person, of course.
His stupid brain suddenly conjures Richie in his mind and Eddie freezes. Why would he think of him now ? He really has no time for him or his lips and broad shoulders or his stupid face! He has work to do! He closes the multiple tabs on his browser, ready to finally work, for real this time, when his eyes end up on the clock at the bottom of the screen. 20:02.
“What the fuck?! WHEN!?” he exclaims without a second to remember that he is in a shared office. Good thing everybody is already home. Maybe the janitor will look at him weird now, but fuck that. He needs to go home. He needs to talk to Richie. Say sorry and thank you. Maybe.
He stands up, packing his stuff before exiting the building quickly. That would be an awkward conversation. Again.
***********
Eddie stays in his car for a while after he arrives at the house. He tries, and fails, to find a way to do some clean up in his mind. He must say, he is scared. Scared to say it out loud. Make it real. Definitive. What if he is wrong and he is just a weirdo?
You are braver than you think.
Richie. Always Richie whenever he tries to calm or pep himself. Of course it is always him. Because, in Eddie’s eyes, Richie is just… so brave. Always smiling, always joking, always ready to help. Standing so tall, never letting anything or anyone breaking him down. He even came out this morning like he was talking about the weather for fuck’s sake! If Richie can do it, Eddie can do it even better.
You are braver than you think.
Eddie breaths in, out, in again before finally opening the door of the car and going out. He doesn’t even have time to get to the house’s door that it opens, Richie right in the entrance. He looks… worried. But also relief. He opens his mouth to talk, but Eddie is quicker for once.
“I’m sorry. I looked at it and I might be… that. Aroace. You… you were right.” the last words kinda sting in his throat. He should not have said that, Richie will never let it die.
But Richie doesn’t say anything, yet. He just grabs Eddie and brings him in a tight hug, closing the door behind them at the same time.
“You hungry?”
“..Yeah.”
“Want some spaghetti to celebrate?”
“Cannibalism as revenge, Rich?”
The dumbass dares to laugh a bit, putting his chin on top of Eddie’s head. God, Eddie feels so small when he does that. So small, but so… protected. Cared for. Loved. Small in a good way. Always in a good way. He hugs him a bit tighter, happy to feel Richie’s warmth around him.
“Come on now koala-bear. Gotta feed you and I need my arms for that”
Eddie sighs, both at the stupid nickname and the fact he needs to release his friend, but he does it. Slowly. Richie smiles at him, a smile so soft and warm and contagious. Eddie smiles back at him and doesn’t even flinch when his friend pats his cheek.
“Go wait in the living room. Watch your favorite show. Your blanket is warm. It won’t take long.”
“Thanks, Rich… you’re the best.”
“Oh, I know. Go on now! I got some of your cousins to boil alive!”
Eddie obeys his friend, slowly going to their living room. He lets himself fall on the couch, grabbing his blanket in one smooth motion. He buries himself in a cocoon before looking on Netflix for something to watch. Maybe out of nostalgia, but probably mostly out of spite, he puts on one of Richie’s old stand-up. It’s cringe, it’s stupid, it’s full of “straightness”, but Eddie likes it. He likes to watch his friend being an absolute idiot on stage. He was liking it even when he couldn’t remember him for twenty-seven years, and he was still liking it now.
True to his words, Richie was quick. He gives a fuming bowl of pasta to Eddie, cringing when he sees what’s playing on the TV.
“Really? That?”
“Vengeance is served cold, Trashmouth.”
“Should I put your bowl in the freezer then?”
Eddie clings to his food like a feral cat and Richie just laughs, plunking himself next to his friend. They sit in silence for a while, listening to the show as Eddie just eats. They laugh at some jokes, or mostly at Old-Richie and how terrible he was. Good thing he is writing his own material now. They stay like that until the credits when finally Eddie decides to talk. He puts down his bowl on the table in front of him, looking at the names scrolling up the screen.
“How do you know all of that?”
“The jokes..?”
“No! The.. asexual and… those things, you know!”
“Oh. Well, you see, when you come out as gay, you gain the Gay Superpowers. This includes perfect knowledge on everything queer. And, if you are lucky, you become a Fairy Gaymother and gift queerness to all the little Eddies of this world”
“Tell me again why I’m not killing you…”
“You love me”
“Right. Right, thanks. But for real? I spent my whole afternoon looking at the subject and I’m still kinda confused!”
“When you are like me… When you are different, and you know it, but cannot do anything about it? You do the only defiance you can think of. You look at this… forbidden knowledge, trying to understand yourself. And, sometimes, you look at other stuff just because it’s weird. And you learn new stuff”
“So what, you were bored one day and looked up asexual and aromantic?”
“Oh yeah, totally.”
“Make sense.”
“I was bored but also… I wanted to help. I was forced in the closet most of my life. But others? They don’t have to. You don’t have to. So, if I can help… if I can unlock some closets for others, then, maybe, there will be less scared-to-death-13-years-old-Richie-Tozier in the world.”
“I’m still not sure if this is right for me…”
“Hey, man. That is okay! Completely. I’m just giving you the info. The possibilities. You can put a label or not. You should do it for you. No one else. You, because it makes you, and only you, feel better. Not… weird. Not broken. Not a freak.”
Eddie pounders on it for a bit. He can choose that. Just staying unlabeled. Just being Eddie, nothing else. No fancy title, no explanation, no nothing. Just Eddie. He is fine with that. Just being him for once. Nobody else. He has no one to please after all. He can be what he wants, even if that means no word to describe him. He is unique. He is him. And that is so fine.
And yet.
“I’m aroace.”
“Well, aroace-”
Eddie is already regretting that, but it was too late to stop him.
“Don’t you fucking da-”
“I’m gay.”
“That’s it! I’m finding my own house!” he says as he props himself out of the couch and out of his blanket. Richie quickly grabs his hand, stopping him from going too far.
“No! Please, I’m sorry!”
“Sorry, my ass! You’re laughing like you just told the best joke of the universe!”
“Stay here! I’m gonna die in my filth otherwise!”
“Urgh. Guess I cannot let that happen.”
“Thank you, I-”
“Let’s watch another one of your show”
Eddie smirks as he lets himself fall on top of his friend to trap him there. He quickly grabs the remote to put on a new, and worse, show, not resisting the laugh as he hears Richie complaining. Yeah, he could live like that. That was fine. Better than fine.
*********
Things are back to normal. Not that they were not already normal. Eddie guesses it is just gayer and more open. Richie is happier and the other losers took his coming out well. Everything is fine, but Eddie cannot shake that feeling.
The feeling that it is not the end of his journey of self-discovery. Laying in bed at night, he looks through a bunch of websites, trying to understand himself a bit more. But nothing is like what he is looking for. Nothing is precise enough. Nothing is like what he feels. All of those fancy attractions all seem so abstract and the way the strangers of the internet were describing it seems… just a load of bullshit. After all, everybody can post anything online. Especially on blog-type websites.
So Eddie decides to take matters in his own hands and ask the people he trusts the most: The Losers themself.
First stop, Ben and Bev. It is easy. The couple come and go to LA about once a month. Sometimes for work, sometimes just to see him and Richie. They go to bars most of the time and always have a blast together. This time is no exception. Especially with their engagement now official. Bev shows her ring, her eyes shining so bright. Ben, by her side, was beaming just as much if not more.
So, when Richie goes away for a bathroom break, Eddie tells himself it is the moment or never. He had prepared himself for a long time to ask all of his questions without raising suspicion. He knows the Losers will accept him for who he is, but he is still unsure of who that person is yet.
“What is it like? Being together.”
“It’s.. nice. Ben is a sweetheart.”
“But like, you don’t have any.. doubts or anything? Getting married is scary.”
Ben and Bev look at eachother and Eddie envies them. They look so happy, so understanding of each other. Like they could communicate just by looking in the eyes of the other. He never had that with Myra. Or anyone. Except Richie . Eddie freezes at the thought, confused by his own mind. Fortunately, Ben starts to talk and he can focus on that instead.
“We just know, you know?”
No. He doesn't. That is why he is asking.
“We just feel.. good together. Sure there is high and low, like everything, but there is way more high. And, it’s just… click. We know each other. We know what the other likes, dislikes. We take care of each other.”
“Each time I’m looking at him, I just feel loved. And I feel so much happiness, like I can burst!”
Eddie looks at them, wanting to add something, but Richie’s already coming back.
“So! What did I miss?”
“Nothing, asshole. Just two lovebirds being sappy.” Eddie says as he finishes his glass of beer quickly. Richie looks at him from the corner of his eyes, but doesn’t say anything. Eddie is glad for that. He lets the taller man take back control of the conversation.
Feel loved. Feel so much happiness he can burst. Those things, he has felt them. With the Losers. When they were together, when they won against the damned clown, when they were in the clubhouse, when they were going to the movies, when they were like tonight talking and drinking and just happy. He is happy right now, really happy. With Richie by his side .
He blinks and steals a quick glance towards the man who is telling a stupid joke again. His brain is going towards so many places right now. All the little attention Richie is giving him: Putting his favorite blanket in the dryer so it is warm when Eddie cuddle in it, putting Eddie’s music in the car even if Richie’s hated the genre, getting Eddie’s favorite snacks when he goes out to the convenience store, cooking healthy meals even if they took more time to do. Richie knows all of his likes and dislikes. But the worst?
He knows all of Richie’s likes and dislikes. And he cares about them! He is careful about them and, sometimes, chooses stuff based on those! He is doing the same thing as his friend is doing to him! Buying him the stupid shirts he likes so much because “if he is going to dress like a hobo, might as well be a nice hobo” . Getting him pizza on Fridays after work because “it’s Friday Rich, we can eat some junk food from time to time” . Letting him try his new material on him, giving him critics because “no way I’m letting my best friend be a fool of himself on stage!” .
But Eddie will do that to anyone of the Losers. Right? Richie is not that special. It just happens that he is living with the comedian. It’s normal that he does that kind of thing, right? If he was living with Mike or Bill or any other Losers, he would do the same!
“Eds? You good?”
Richie’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. He looks at him and at his eyes full of worries and softness. Again, looking after him. Even now, Richie sees he is in a spiral and is giving him an exit. They just click .
“Think I’m getting a bit tipsy.”
“Ah. That’s our cue then! It was nice to see you, folks, but I got Grandpa Eds to bring back to bed”
“Fuck you, dickwad. I’m not that older than you.”
“See you, Eddie.” Bev says with a smile.
“Take care, man.” Ben quickly adds to Bev's response.
Eddie smiles softly, telling his good-byes, before following Richie out of the bar. He needs more answers. Tonight is not enough.
Second stop, Bill. Easy to find him when the man has some movie in production. Even more easy when Richie is playing in said movie and the both of them invite Eddie to see a shooting of the thing. Eddie really wants to be interested in the little tour he is given by his writer friend, but he is a man on a mission. It’s one of the rare occasions where Richie is away, getting ready with the makeup crew, and Eddie cannot let that go. So, he asks.
“How do you manage to write romance so well?”
“Oh, hm.. I guess I just use experience?”
“Experience, hm? So like you got to experience all of that in your script.”
“Well, not all of it. B-b-but, most of it, yes. Like, the scene between Richie’s character and Adrian’s one. Their declaration. The way they talk and react. Their nervousness.”
“I think that is just Richie being nervous…” Eddie says without second thought. Bill smiles at him, amusement in his eyes as he continues slowly.
“The thing with writing romance is… I like to write them… soft.”
“Soft…?”
“Yeah. L-l-like instead of the fiery passion Hollywood likes to show, I prefer the little details. The stolen glances, the sweet t-t-touches, the laughs and the cries shared, the small tension, the unspoken words. Building it slowly. So that a first time reader or viewer can miss it and want to reread or rewatch to see all those signs. I want my characters to fall in love at the same time as the people looking at them.”
“Mister Denbrough, you are requested.”
“Sorry, Eddie.” says his friend, looking bad about it. Eddie shakes his hand and smiles simply.
“No worry, go to work, dude.”
He looks at him as he goes away and walks slowly back towards where he last saw Richie. He lets his brain think about all of what Bill said. All of those, he shared them. With all of the Losers! That was practically their motto. Laughs and cries. Mostly cries when fighting the stupid clown. Plenty of laughs when it was just them, thanks to Richie. Richie. Of course Richie would come back to his mind full force. Eddie groans a bit, but cannot stop thinking.
They share even more laughs and cries than with any other Losers. To whom did Eddie go crying when Myra left him? Richie. Who makes him laugh more than anyone else? Richie. Who did he steal more glances when the other one is not looking? Probably a tie between himself and Richie. The little touches they put under “accidental”? Clearly, Eddie is not doing any of those with the other Losers. Even if they are around him. It was Richie only. Always Richie.
But why? Why is it always coming back to that man? Eddie needs more answers. He is not done.
Third stop, Mike. Eddie is not sure if his friend can help him with his problem, but he has nothing to lose asking. Worst case, he will still be as confused as ever. Best case, some light will be shed on all of these questions he keeps having.
So, on his way home one evening, he calls Mike. He talks about everything and nothing, asking him about his latest travel, the places he has been. Being a good friend and not just a guy who uses Mike to learn more about himself. After a while, he goes on the offensive and asks.
“So, there is no Ms Halon yet with all those cities seen?”
“Uhm. Maybe not a Ms… but I got someone in my eyes.”
“Oh! Really, that is nice, man, really nice! What are they like? Do I know them? That’s stupid, probably n-”
“Maybe, yes.”
Ok. That is an unsuspected answer. Eddie almost forgets his own mission. He blinks a moment before replying, looking at the road in front of him.
“Do.. they know?”
“Not yet. I’m just… waiting for the good moment.”
A bit of silence where Eddie tries to gather his thoughts together. That is a shocker. He tries to remember any person that he and Mike know, but all he can think about is the Losers. But that doesn’t make sense, does it?
“When do you think it will be the ‘good moment’? Cause, I’m telling you, waiting for a deadly space-clown to almost kill you is not the best plan.”
“Richie really rubs on you, hm?”
“What?! No! Not at all! If anything, I’m the one rubbing on him!” He doesn’t want to sound so offended, but he just cannot stop himself. He bites his lips, glad that it is only a phone call and not a video call.
“Are you in love, Eddie?” The question catches him off-guard. How does he..?! “I’m just asking because you never talk about those kinds of things when you call me.”
“And you want to deflect.”
“Maybe. Do you?”
“Maybe.”
A bit of silence. Eddie is pretty sure that if Mike was standing in front of him, they would both be looking at each other, waiting for the first one to run away or talk about it. And Eddie would probably be running far, far away. Maybe Mexico, starting a new life as Eduardo. Instead, he decides to talk. Because he is stuck in LA traffic and he cannot really run away to Mexico right now.
“I’m just trying to understand… Stuff.”
“That’s two of us then.”
Maybe he doesn’t need to run away…
“What do you think of your stuff?” Eddie says after clearing his throat.
“I think he might not be ready yet. Maybe never. But that is okay. I can deal with that.”
“How? Would you not be.. sad?”
“Would you? If your stuff is not ready? Ever? Or choose something else?”
Eddie frowns and takes a moment to think. Would he be sad if.. if what? If Richie doesn’t love him? If Richie comes home one night with another man? If Richie starts to give stupid nicknames to another person? If Richie wants him out of his house because his lover finds it weird to have a roommate? Especially one like Eddie.
The more he thinks, the more he feels… weird. But not a bad kind of weird. Just a confused one. Because, yes, he guesses he will be kinda sad, but not because someone else is with Richie or because he needs to share his friend. Just sad because his life would change and he does love this life. It is nice. It has its routine. They know how to act around each other and the company is nice after a long day of work or just to relax together. But he would be happy for his friend. Happy that he can find happiness with someone.
“No. If my stuff wants to do… other stuff, that is fine. I would be happy for my stuff because…” because he might be loving his stuff more than everything. He loves it enough to let it go. Even if Eddie doesn’t say any of that, Mike seems to read his mind as he answers to him.
“Yeah. So we are on the same page.”
Eddie turns and parks his car in front of his house. He looks at it, seeing Richie walking past the window, disappears left before backtracking to the window and beaming as he sees Eddie. Eddie smiles softly at him before turning his attention to his phone. It is not the answers he was looking for, but maybe they were what he needed for now.
“I do hope that you manage your stuff, Mike.”
“Same to you, Eddie.”
Last stop, Stan and Patty. There is no reason to go subtly with Stan the man. He will just get one of his “I know you are hiding something, so talk” looks. And no one can resist Stan’s look. It is probably as deadly as the deadlights of It. Maybe more. Everybody talks when Stan looks at them. And Eddie was not the exception. Especially not when he is standing right in front of the man.
He is visiting him after he went to Georgia for some work related stuff. It is the perfect moment too, since he doesn’t have to worry about Richie hearing them talk. And, it is known, Stan is the best to have heavy conversation like the one Eddie reserved for him. He decides to wait after supper, when Patty is preparing some coffee and sweets, before opening the can of worms. He hugs his mug with both hands, looking at the liquid inside. Then, he talks.
“I think I’m in love.”
There is a moment of silence, Stan fixing him, his spoon immobile hovering his mug. Patty, bless her soul, save the situation lovely.
“Oh, Eddie, that is good news! Who is the lucky woman?”
“It’s… uhm. …It’s a he. It’s…”
“Richie?”
Eddie freezes a second, looking at Stan who looks so calm after just saying that. He has resumed putting sugar in his coffee like they were just talking about the weather and not the fact that Eddie might, maybe, he doesn’t know, be in love with one of his oldest and dearest friends.
“Yeah. That’s the one.” he replies, taking a sip of his coffee.
“Hm.” is the only response from Stan. He is waiting for Eddie to make his move. After all, he is the one that started this conversation. But Eddie is stubborn and prefers to drink and eat some cookies instead of talking.
“That is so sweet! Does he know?”
Thank God for this woman. Eddie will send her some sort of spa gift certificate or something, for sure.
“No. He doesn’t. Cause I don’t know if I do love him.”
“What do you mean, Eddie?”
“I’m not gay! I’m… I… I can’t! I cannot know what the hell love is! I don’t feel it! Like… my brain just does not compute! For me, loving a friend and loving a… a lover is…! It’s the same! I know what love is, just not Love!”
“Oh.”
Can a man be less helpful in this kind of moment? Eddie looks at his friend then his wife who is also silent. He fucked up, didn’t he? He should not have talked about it. Now, they think he is weird. Some kind of freak, a monster, a…!
“So you want to know what love is. To see if it’s what you are feeling for him.”
Eddie blinks, looking at them. They look at each other, the same way Ben and Bev looked at each other some months ago. Is this some kind of superpower the Straights have? The Gays know everything on queerness, the Aces are immune to natural charm and the Straights can talk telepathically? He starts to think he drew the short straw, superpowers-wise. Seriously, he should start some scientific papers on the subject. He might be on something here.
“Yeah. I would like that. How do you know, both of you? I mean, clearly, you do love each other! But.. how.”
“The answer is… there is none”
“You are not helping me, Stan.”
“But it is true. For me, love can be something. For Patty, something else. For the neighbour? Something completely different. There is no definition for love. There is no right way to love. Love is a complicated feeling, but it is something sweet. Like a summer breeze. Or the first flower of spring. Or the birds migrating south for winter.”
Eddie looks at him, slowly drinking his coffee. He thinks of those feelings, how they feel, how he can easily understand them. Nothing fancy, just some moment where you think “Yes. This is right. This is nice” . He thinks of Richie, of course, always Richie. But this time, he goes further. Further than the last odd year he spent with him. Back to his childhood. He still doesn’t remember everything from that time, but he can recall the feeling. The sweetness. The way he likes Richie’s stupid jokes, Richie’s stupid nicknames, Richie’s… everything. Just like now. He is happy with him. He likes the way things are. And he wants it. Every season of every year.
He might, maybe, who really knows, be in love with Richie fucking Tozier. And he doesn’t mind at all. And the only thing he can say as he comes to the conclusion is a nice and easy:
“Fuck me.”
**************
Eddie enters his house. He had the whole way here to think about what to say to Richie. If he wants to say anything. But the plane has been too fast for his taste. And here he is. Entering his house and still not knowing what to do with all the answers he got. He doesn’t have time to ponder on the subject though. Richie is on him like some big brown dog who misses his master.
“Eds! Good! Just in time! The pizzas arrived like two minutes ago. One Hawaiian and one vege with extra prosciutto. I know you don’t really like pepperoni so… Anyway! Go sit down, I’ll take care of your luggage”
“Thanks Rich.”
He smiles as he watches the other man bringing his big suitcase to his bedroom. He goes slowly to the kitchen to get himself a drink and some pizza before going to the living room. Even if he was not here for a week, he is happy to be able to slip back into the routine. It is so easy. So… sweet.
He looks in front of him, blinking for a second or two, his mouth half-open and awaiting for the pizza only a couple of inches away from his face. Sweet. Like a summer breeze. He smiles softly. Maybe he is overthinking it again. Like always. And, like always, Richie is there to bring him back to earth. He is there to give him all that Eddie needs without asking. Without even knowing.
“What? The pizza is not good?”
Richie is there, by his side, looking at him with worry. Eddie looks back at him before turning his head towards the TV. He has time. Not now… After. He will tell after.
“Yeah. Disgusting. Who puts pineapples on a pizza? Terrible taste. Probably someone who dresses as badly.”
“Hey! You like that pizza! You are eating it!”
“Only ‘cause I’m hungry. Put something funny, would you?”
“I’m happy that you’re back.”
“Stop being sappy, Tozier.”
His laugh makes Eddie's heart beat a bit faster with happiness. They eat, bickering from time to time, like always. It is nice but the doubts come creeping in again. What if Eddie blows what he has? What if telling anything destroys this peace, this sweetness that they share? What if he fucks up? What if he loses his best friend just because he thinks he might be in love with him? What if things get awkward after that? What if… they cannot be friends anymore?
Eds .
Is he really ready to lose that? Lose everything on a hunch? Lose what he holds dear just because?
Eddie.
What if Richie already loves someone? Really love, not like him. He is just a fraud. Thinking he knows what love is without experiencing it. He cannot ask that of him. He cannot ask him to give up true LoveTM just because Eddie doesn’t want to lose his routine! He just cannot and..!
“EDDIE! Hey, man, you’re alright?”
He feels the hand on his right cheek. The contact brings him back to reality. He leans into the hand, closing his eyes a moment. He is alright. He is fine. Richie is there. Richie would never abandon him. He did not, back in Neibolt house. He would not now. Eddie just knows. He knows his friend. Everything would be fine. Like always.
Eddie finally opens his eyes to look at Richie, seeing the worry in his eyes, hearing it in his voice. Richie is there, his thumb slowly circling his cheek to calm him. Richie cares for him. Richie brings him laughs and cries. Richie clicks with him. They understand each other more than anybody. Richie, the man Eddie is ready to let go if that means he is happy somewhere else. Richie, the first flower of spring.
He needs to do it. Now or he will never have the courage again.
You are braver than you think .
Stupid Trashmouth. Having reason again. Urgh.
“I think that I’m in love. With you.”
“You… think.. that.. what?”
The thumb stops. The eyes of the comedian, already enlarged by his glasses, seem even bigger now. But Eddie cannot stop. He started this, he needs to finish it. He stands up suddenly, incapable to stay still so close to Richie. He starts to walk back and forth in front of his friend, hands moving in his signature Kaspbrak Karate Chops.
“I’ve been thinking for a while now. And, I… I don’t know, ok? I’m not sure, I don’t think I can never be sure. Maybe I’m not really in love, maybe it’s just some kind of weird friendship and I imagine things! Maybe I will never know! But I don’t care anymore. Because.. because I care about you. Very much. More than any other Losers. More than anything! I want this… all of this, between us! Forever! Or, maybe, until you cannot stand me anymore. Or, more likely, that I cannot stand you. But I want to try. I want to. Not because my stupid body is telling me to, but because I, Edward Kaspbrak, want to. Because I want you. And.. and.. ARE YOU FUCKING LAUGHING AT ME DICKWAD?!”
He stops right in front of Richie who is just shaking with laughter. That asshole. Eddie is ready to kick his ass so hard that he will never be able to sit back ever again. Is he really laughing? After all that Eddie just told him? Like it’s some kind of stupid joke?!
“I will ki-”
“I have loved you since the 8th grade! I still do!”
Eddie freezes, all the heat of the rage leaving his body in a quick swoop. He loves him. Richie Tozier is, currently, and since 8th grade apparently!, in love with him.
“You… love me.”
“Yes. I do.”
“Since.. we are 13 years-old.”
“Indeed. You are great at English oral comprehension.”
“Fuck.”
“I would gladly if you let me.”
He doesn’t want to laugh at that, but he cannot stop a smile forming on his lips. That idiot. His idiot. Maybe. He is still unsure. Luckly for him, Richie is there to get things straight. As straight as two men saying I-love-yous to each other can be.
“Or, we can make out like teenagers in rut.”
“Oh, shut up, Richie.”
“Make me.” he replies, mischief in his eyes. Oh, he wants it. And Eddie will be giving it.
He approaches the other man, taking his face in his hands to lift his head up. He lowers himself slowly before finally putting his lips on Richie’s. He doesn’t feel the butterflies in his stomach. He doesn’t feel different. He just feels fine. It is nice though. Just the sensations, the contact, the intimacy.
He can feel the hands of Richie exploring his chest, trying to bring him closer. Eddie smiles softly, letting himself onto Richie’s lap, trapping him between his legs. He feels powerful. In control while Richie looks like a mess, trying to kiss deeper, touching everywhere. He is so gentle, but, at the same time, hungry. Like he didn’t just eat a medium size pizza by himself. He even let Richie’s tongue inside his mouth without a second thought.
But Eddie doesn’t mind any of this. All of this feels nice. The tongue, the lips, the hands. It feels good. So good that he is almost sad when they need to take a break to breathe a bit. Stupid lungs. Eddie keeps Richie in place, hands behind the comedian's head. He touches the other man's forehead with his own, looking at him with a satisfied look.
“Like it? Got more where it comes from.” When did Richie become a smooth talker like that? He doesn’t know and has no time to think about it.
Richie starts to kiss him everywhere. His cheeks, nose, forehead, temples, neck. Steadily going lower and lower. Eddie shivers a bit, hesitating a moment, before pulling at Richie's hair, making sure to keep his lips far away from his skin. He doesn’t think that would make the other man moan, but he happily puts that information in a corner of his head. That can be useful at some point.
“No more kissing. Cuddling.”
“Yes, sir.”
Without any hesitation, Richie lowers himself on the couch, keeping Eddie on himself. Eddie smiles devilishly, relishing this moment and the power he has on his… his what? He cannot really describe themself as friends anymore, can he? He puts his head on Richie’s chest, listening to his beating heart before asking shyly.
“What are we? What… Am I to you, now?”
“Hm. Boyfriend?”
“Boring.”
“Partner?”
“We are not cowboys, Rich”
“Hm. …Mine. And I’m Yours.”
“... Like it. Sold.”
“Does that mean I can bring you to the red carpet and hold your hand?”
“Sure, why not.”
“And kiss you in front of paparazzis?”
“Only if you punch them after.”
“And called you ‘The love of my life’ to the interviewers?”
“That’s the point of all that, no? Now, shh. I’m tired”
“Love you, Eds.”
“Love you too, Richie”
Because he really does. Maybe not the Big Love. Maybe not like every other human on this stupid planet. But no one could say he doesn’t, sincerely, love Richie Tozier. In his own way. That is fine. And Richie fucking Tozier loves him back. And that is the best. Yeah. Truly. Everything is fine.