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To keep it short, Atsushi had lived a pretty shitty life even though it's quite a bit better now that he joined the agency and freed himself of that abominable place that doesn’t erase the past.
He grew up isolated, locked in a cage and told his mere existence wasn’t wanted. ‘Raised’ by a man who tortured him more than anything else, never having shown anything else than cruelty to him for reasons Atsushi can’t begin to understand.
And yet, that was the closest thing he’s had to a father during his childhood.
Could he even call what he had back at that orphanage a childhood? He never got to act like a kid or play with toys, most of the other kids there hated him and bullied him too. He remembers the only things he did if he was lucky enough to have ‘free time’ there was read, something that he had to teach himself how to do. No one had cared for him there, he’s never had a proper family there and could never consider that place home. Spending the entire first eighteen years of his life in such a place took quite a toll on him and he ended up more traumatized than anything else by the end of it even though being now in a safe place, having his own home and people who genuinely cared about him helped him heal he knew he could never completely fix what they did to him, and he had to learn how to cope with that fact and live on.
Now he has a family, he has Kyouka . Someone who he considered to be his sister at this point, he loves and cares for her more than anything in the whole world and he’s happy to be able to come home to her, to someone he considers family.
And still, he found himself envying things he couldn’t have.
He found it stupid when he felt jealous when he saw kids outside enjoying their childhood, talking to their actual loving parents and just being kids. He scolded himself for it, there’s no point in envying something he can’t have, his ‘childhood’ or the little childhood he had is long over and he’s an adult now so he can’t want things like this anymore, things he can’t have.
And yet that feeling didn’t go away, only amplified and he didn’t know what to do about it. He considered asking Ranpo since he knew the detective was quite smart but preferred not to bother him with something so ridiculous and tried to shove the thought at the back of his mind.
One day he’s on his way home from a grocery shopping trip at the nearby mall and stops when he spots the contents inside the window of a store.
Quite a few plushies were standing there in the showcase window, enough for him to assume that he was standing in front of a toy store.
He curiously glances inside not entering yet and just looking at it from outside, he’s not sure why he stopped or why he isn’t just continuing his way home but that store somehow manages to draw him in and he’s entering before he knows it.
He’ll just take a look around, no hurt in looking right? And he doesn’t have to go home immediately so it’s fine.
So he does take a look around, mindlessly looking at the different toy sets and plushies available. He doesn’t really have a particular goal in mind as he walks around but somehow he finds it relaxing doing this after a long day at work.
He stops in his tracks in front of a specific plush that caught his attention.
It’s a tiger plushie, a striped white tiger plushie to be exact and it looks absolutely adorable.
It has a simple design, it looks really soft and looks big enough to be able to fit in his arms comfortably if he were to hold it. Without thinking about it he touches it to feel the soft fur and it feels even better than he expected, it’s squishy too!
He wants it, he figures out after petting it like one would with an actual animal.
As soon as he comes to that conclusion he’s scolding himself, he shouldn’t spend money on such things. It’s a waste of his hard-earned money and he’s way too old to own something like this and he’s not sure what he’d even do with it, he’s never owned a plushie before and he's pretty sure it’s too late for that.
He glances at the price of… thirty-five dollars which is a bit much for a plushie, how much do plushies usually cost? He doesn’t know and he’s not sure he cares at the moment since he has the money for it. It wouldn’t exactly financially sink him under to buy a plushie right now, he just got his salary too and since the ADA provides dorms he doesn’t have to pay any bills.
Where would he put it? Somewhere in his closet surely, he wouldn’t want Kyouka to find it and question him on why he owns something like that because he doesn’t have an answer and he doesn’t own it for now so maybe he’s thinking a bit far ahead.
He should not buy it, he mentally tries to convince himself. It’s not worth the money, it’s a children’s toy and he’s an adult so there’s no point in having something like that. He’ll probably never make any use of it anyway.
But it’s so soft, squishy and cute and it sort of reminds him of his ability Byakko, if he had to name it he’d probably choose something silly and close to that name like Nyakko.
Yeah, Nyakko fits her well.
Wait her ? It’s a plushie, not a person, focus Atsushi! He’s getting distracted and he should get home Kyouka is probably worrying about him by now.
So he gives the plushie a last longing glance before deciding to exit the store, he’s made a good decision on not buying it, he’s sure if Kunikida was there he would be proud of him for being responsible for now.
He is fine without it, he does not need it, he doesn’t need it, he doesn’t need it, it’s just a stupid plushie, he doesn’t-
Like an idiot, he ends up running back to the store just after a minute of exiting and luckily enough for him she’s still there so like the proper fool he is, he of course, at last buys her.
He exits the store this time with Nyakko tucked safely under one of his arms and the grocery bag being held in his right hand.
He doesn’t regret his decision one bit even though he feels a bit guilty, nope. Not even when the voice in his head tells him that he’s a total dimwit for buying it.
It’s his adult money and he gets to spend it on whatever the hell he wants. Thank you very much, if he makes bad financial decisions and wants to buy stupid stuff that’s his business.
When he’s finally home he somehow magically manages to throw the plushie in the closet before Kyouka turns around to greet him, if she notices anything like the loud sound of the closet shutting or the nervous expression on Atsushi’s face she’s kind enough not to mention it.
“Welcome home.” She simply says walking past him and into the small kitchen the dorm included, grabbing the grocery bag from him on the way there. “It took you longer than usual, did something happen?”
“Uh, nope! Just looked around another store for a while, that’s it. Got distracted, I’m sorry.” He quickly says which is technically not the whole truth but he’s not entirely lying either so. And it’s not like he’s hiding some terrible secret, he bets she wouldn’t care but even so, no need to mention it now.
They eat dinner which consists of two bowls of rice with some fish in peaceful silence and soon enough Atsushi wishes Kyouka a good night before going to bed.
Once he’s safely laying there he grabs the plushie that he previously threw in, quitely apologizing to her for that. He doesn’t know why he feels bad, he probably shouldn’t it’s a plushie it doesn’t have feelings but even so he still feels a bit bad.
He sits there patting it for a few seconds before deciding to lie down, holding it in his arms. It’s nice to have something to hold onto and cuddle with and he feels strangely content, some sort of fuzzy feeling coming at the back of his mind but he doesn’t really question it, it feels nice and he feels awfully relaxed for once. Maybe if he’s lucky enough he won’t have any nightmares tonight.
It’s childish, sure. But he’s never had the chance to do this as a kid so he’s just doing his best to make up for it now. It doesn’t mean anything.
He gives Nyakko a small Goodnight kiss on the forehead before promptly falling asleep, plush wrapped tightly in his arms.
He sleeps soundly that night and wakes up feeling refreshed.
And it could’ve stayed at that, he bought his plushie and it made him happy so it could’ve just stayed at that but of course, it didn’t because when did things ever go how he wanted them to?
He doesn’t know where this weird fixation on his lack of childhood is coming from all of a sudden but now it won’t leave his mind and he’s thinking about it more than before, god he shouldn’t have bought that plushie. Is this what they call the butterfly effect?
It becomes a routine to go to bed cuddling it and he doesn’t really think about it, it helps him relax easier if he’s feeling tense after a long day and he’s been sleeping better so he’s not complaining.
One time it unexpectedly happens in the middle of the day though.
It’s on a Sunday so he doesn’t have any work, Kyouka is out for a bit so he’s left alone in the dorm room which isn’t a problem. He decides to stay at home and read for a bit since he didn’t have any plans or want to go out.
He doesn’t know why , maybe because of a scene in the book he’s reading hit too close to home and he hadn’t been on the best mood today so his originally innocent thoughts rapidly drifted to something dark, the words of the orphanage headmaster suddenly coming to mind, how he’s useless, a waste of space and of everyone’s time and how it would be better if he just died in a ditch.
He tries to ignore it and focus on the book but they’re practically clouding his mind and he’s feeling worse by the second and the fact that he’s feeling upset when absolutely nothing happend right now makes him feel worse and more of a bother, his eyes are starting to feel wet and he doesn’t want to start crying because then he won’t be able to stop and the thoughts will just get worse and worse and he might start hallucinating him again , which is never a fun experience and he’s not willing to deal with a panic attack or anything of the sorts right now.
His eyes quickly wander around the room looking for a distraction before he fully breaks down and when his eyes spot the closet he knows he found it. The silver haired boy quickly opens it and without thinking grabs the plushie and a spare blanket at the top of the closet before settling down.
He sits down and wraps the blanket around him, closing the door of the closet while he’s at it as if trying to hide himself. He wraps his arms around the tiger plushie and settles on top of the blanket he usually sleeps with while wrapping the extra one around his shoulders, practically acting like a cocoon but it’s also comforting in a way like if he’d be wearing armor so nothing could hurt him.
And… it works, somewhat at least. He feels safe with the blanket wrapped tightly around him and he doesn’t feel alone since Nyakko is wrapped in his arms. For once he doesn’t feel completely helpless and scared as he breaks down, tears flowing down his face accompanied by the occasional sob muffled by the way he’s burying his face in the tiger plushie. The fur against his face feels grounding.
He feels stupid whenever it happens, when he breaks down in the middle of a perfectly good day just because the words of his past suddenly come back to haunt him. One too many times he had to leave the agency in the middle of writing a report or something to go and cry in the bathroom, at least no one called him out on it and the one time Dazai caught him in the middle of a panic attack hidden in a bathroom stall he was kind enough to help him calm down and didn’t even mention it afterwards.
Right, now he has people who he can count on who care about him who every day he lives with them prove the headmaster’s words wrong. The thought helps slow his crying a bit.
What happened in the past stays in the past, it doesn’t matter, not a single word that the horrible headmaster told him matters now since he’s six feet under. Either way, the words of his past are unrelated to who he is now.
Huh, he doesn’t remember where he heard that last quote.
After a while (he’s not sure how much time has passed) he’s a bit calmer, only sniffling a bit but overall crying it out did seem to help his overall mood improve even though now he has to deal with the yucky after-crying feeling. Normally his breakdowns are worse and he ends up crying on the floor, choking on his sobs while questioning why he’s even alive, now it’s an improvement so he’s not complaining.
There’s that fuzzy feeling again in the back of his mind but it seems a bit stronger this time, he doesn’t know what it is but it’s a bit dizzying like he can’t exactly think clearly. Should he be worried? He can’t bring himself to be when the feeling is also so reassuring , a strange haze washing over him like a warm blanket. It feels nice.
Finally, the tears cease and any previous bad thoughts seemed to have left his mind entirely and if he had to describe it he’d say that he’s feeling… small? It’s a strange feeling.
He ends up taking his phone out, he doesn’t feel like continuing to read that book from earlier and that scene he read reminded him of the orphanage too much so nope. He’s not risking it again, and somehow reading sounded like a pretty difficult task at the moment. He mindlessly plays one of the free games he had installed, building and managing his very own cookie village and unlocking new characters proved to be an entertaining activity.
So he spends the rest of the afternoon doing that and even falls asleep at some point just for Kyouka to promptly wake him back up for dinner.
He’s more than disoriented when he wakes up because he actually doesn’t even remember falling asleep in the first place, there’s a knocking against his closet door before it promptly slides open because of his lack of response.
“Atsushi?” He hears a soft feminine voice call out to him, on that he immediately recognizes as Kyouka so he turns around and sits up trying to wake himself up a little.
“Mm, good morning Kyouka.” He mumbles, rubbing the sand out of his eyes as he adjusts to the light inside the room flooding into the closet.
“It’s eight in the evening, you slept through the day.” She corrects him. “Are you okay? Did you not sleep well today? You don’t usually sleep during the day.”
“No I just-” He tries to find an explanation that isn’t ‘I got tired and fell asleep because I had a small mental breakdown earlier’ “I didn’t mean to fall asleep, I uh- I guess I was more tired than I thought when I decided to lay down for a bit haha!”
She looks at him as if trying to figure out if he’s telling the truth or not but suddenly her gaze falls lower.
“What’s that?” She curiously says pointing to an object next to him and when he looks down his eyes widen realizing what it is.
Right, shit, it’s the tiger plushie. He fell asleep with it again so of course it’s still here, god he didn’t mean to fall asleep now his sister is probably gonna think he’s an idiot or-
“It’s soft.” The younger girl states pulling him out of his thoughts and he notices that she reached inside to pat the tiger plush. “Is it yours?”
“N-No of course not!” He immediately says in response, a bit louder than intended, he doesn’t know why he’s so embarrassed about it. It’s just a plushie but he feels like he’ll start crying if she teases him about it.
“Who’s is it then?” Kyouka simply asks, looking back up at him and he doesn’t know what to answer.
“I- I don’t- It’s not mine!” He insists once again completely ignoring the previous question, he’s a terrible liar and he knows it but he can’t think of something to say.
“It’s fine if it is, I don’t care.” She says in an honest tone seeing his behaviour. “Did you name it?”
“Her.” He automatically corrects her before realizing how embarassing it is to admit that he gendered an inanimate object. “She! uh, she’s a girl. Her name is Nyakko cause she reminded me of my ability so…”
“Mmh, that’s a nice name.” She hums in understanding not even questioning anything he said.
“Don’t you… find it weird? I mean-” He cuts himself off in an attempt to find the right words. “I’m too old for stuff like this…”
“You know, Plushies don’t really have an age limit. Some people like to collect them.” She states. “If it makes you happy and you’re not hurting anyone I don’t care and I don’t find it strange at all, even if I did find it weird it shouldn’t matter. Focus on your own happiness before other’s people’s opinions, there will always be people who will disagree with what you do.”
He wasn’t expecting such a profound answer so he’s a bit surprised but it reassures him all the same, he gently smiles at her. “Ah… thank you Kyouka.”
“Of course.” She answers in a genuine tone as she smiles back at him before going on “Dinner’s getting cold, we should go eat.”
There that conversation ends and they go eat dinner in mostly comfortable silence, he doesn’t know why he was so stressed out about Kyouka finding out. In retrospect it’s quite silly to think about it now, it’s just a plushie after all.
Just a plushie, nothing else so in the end it doesn’t really matter, it doesn’t go much further than that.
What was that fuzzy, comforting feeling he felt though? He’s pretty sure he’s never felt that way before and maybe he should be worried about that part but he’d rather not mention that to anyone ever, besides he was probably just tired after crying so his mind felt all mushy, that must be it.
So he doesn’t question it much further.
At least until the next time it happens, where he slowly starts picking up his own strange behavior.
Sure, the nightmares might’ve worn off but not indefinitely and of course on the one night that he fell asleep without the tiger plushie in his arms he had one. The reason for that being that it was well over time for it to have a wash day, the fur was starting to loss it’s fluffiness and he hand-washed it a bit late so he had to wait for it to dry completely before being able to sleep with it again. He had set it near the window to dry.
He doesn’t know if it’s because he slept without it that he ended up having a nightmare or it just being that he got unlucky but either way he woke up jaded, upset and afraid.
He doesn’t remember the entirety of it, it was back in the orphanage. He got in trouble for something, he doesn’t remember what exactly but the headmaster was furious so of course he took that frustration out on Atsushi and punished him in the worst and most painful way he could manage.
He knows it wasn’t real but he can still remember the anxiety of it, the awful sensation of getting his foot hammered down, he’s pretty sure he felt the bone crunch.
A loud sob cut his train of thoughts off, he’s crying? When did he begin crying? He can’t remember, he’s too tired for any of this but now that he acknowledges it the tears won’t stop and fear and anxiety plagues his mind along with other ridiculous thoughts.
He’s scared, it’s dark and he knows logically he’s in his closet but he can’t see anything so maybe they sent him back to that horrible place, maybe the agency got tired of him, maybe he’s back in that cold empty cell again helplessly awaiting his next scolding or punishment.
It’s an illogical train of thought but all logic and common sense seemed to have gotten thrown out the window, he doesn’t even have the mind to try to find his phone and turn its flashlight on to make sense of his current environment.
He needs to calm himself down or he’ll wake his poor sleeping sister up, but that's easier said than done when he can’t see anything, can’t hear anything other than the sound of his uneven breathing accompanied by the not-so-occasional sob or two. As far as he knows he might as well be back at the orphanage and the thought terrifies him down to the bone, but for a moment he remembers the one thing that comforts him should be laying around somewhere if he truly still is in his closet so he uncertaintly and almost frantically reaches around in the dark space.
He can’t find it, it’s not there, she’s not there-
It makes him feel infinitely worse, that now somewhat familiar fuzzy feeling is here constantly nagging him and it only serves to make him feel worse this time. He feels disoriented and small, hosting the kind of feelings, fears and worries he had as a child.
He’s full on sobbing at this point and he doesn’t have the mind to stop it or try to muffle the sound since he doesn’t remember why he should quiet down the only thought on his mind being how scared he is and he can practically hear the steps of the headmaster approaching him leaving him to dread whatever remarks or torment await him. His breathing is steadily picking up beyond his control as he starts panicking because he knows what’s awaiting him at this point, having gone through that same physical and psychological pain and suffering over and over again, day by day, without any hope for the foreseeable future. He digs his hands into his hair and harshly grabs it trying to keep himself present, trying to prevent himself from going through a flashback right now.
He doesn’t even notice when the closet door suddenly slides open.
Kyouka stares at her brother in shock, not expecting her to find him in such a state in the middle of the night. Originally she was awoken because of the sound of sobs coming from the closet, she was a light sleeper so she most likely woke up as soon as it started but decided to wait. She knows Atsushi gets nightmares at times, they sleep in the same room and she’s heard him stand up in the middle of the night and go out for fresh air and such afterwards, she’s heard him cry about it at times and even though she had shown her concern and tried to help he insisted that it was fine and he really didn’t want to bother her so she didn’t insist not wanting to possibly overstep his boundaries and make him uncomfortable. But she’s never heard him sound that upset, sure she’s heard him cry before but he’s never woken up full on sobbing like that from what she’s aware.
Even if he had said in the past she shouldn’t bother trying to help him if he woke up upset after a nightmare this sounded relatively worse and the more time she waited thinking he’d calm down the more worked up he seemed to get so she had to check on him, make sure nothing bad actually happened and offer help if he needed it.
Still, she wasn’t expecting to find him in such a state.
As expected, he was indeed sobbing but he seemed more upset than she originally expected. His hands were clutching his hair in a vice grip that certainly must be painful but he was either too upset to notice or was using the pain as a way to ground himself. She couldn’t tell. His breath seemed shallow and unsteady as if he barely managed to breathe between each sob he let out, he also didn’t seem to notice Kyouka’s presence at all even with the moonlight that lit up the room lighting up a part of the dark closet, he didn’t seem to acknowledge it at all at this point. Too lost in his own head.
She had to do something but she wasn’t exactly sure of what, she hadn’t been out in such a position in the past. Touching him might be a way to get his attention but she’d rather not startle him and scare or panic him any further. She decides to try and call out for him.
“Atsushi?” Kyouka softly says in an attempt to catch his attention which doesn’t seem to work, maybe she didn’t say it loud enough? She should try repeating it.
“Atsushi!” She repeats once more maybe a bit too loudly because the silver haired man flinches before his eyes snap at her, he looks genuinely surprised to see her as if he thought she had left or he was in a different place than here.
They stare at each other in silence for a few minutes, Kyouka not exactly being sure what to say and rather wanting to give Atsushi a chance to speak which he with some difficulty manages to do a second later.
“K-Kyouka?” He manages to ask, unsure if it's truly her he’s seeing through the blur of tears even though logically speaking it couldn't possibly be anyone else but he’s not feeling so rational at all at the moment.
“Yes, it’s me.” She simply says in response with a nod confirming her presence, she goes on afterwards deciding to ask a question this time . “Are you okay?”
He obviously wasn’t but maybe by asking that she’d get more info about the situation out of him and be able to help him out better, she doesn’t ask anything else not wanting to overwhelm him in any way.
It takes him a second to process it and he’s not sure how to answer, still, he tries to force himself to. “I-I’m- I didn’t…”
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you’. Is what he meant to say but the words seemed stuck in his throat and he couldn’t get them in order, his heart was beating fast enough in his chest that he could feel it and his breathing refused to slow down it was as if there wasn’t any air left in the room for him to breathe and he was starting to feel light-headed, maybe he’ll pass out or die from lack of air soon. The thought makes him feel dizzy, scared, terrified. He lets go of his hair and clutches at his chest instead, he can barely see anything through the blur of tears even with the light hitting the inside of the closet.
Asking indeed did not seem to help with anything and Kyouka’s not sure what to do now, she noticed his breathing seemed shallow and unsteady earlier but it seemed worse now. Was he having a panic attack? Even if she struggled to help him out emotionally at the moment she could help him calm down from that and get his breathing steady again.
She moves close to him, making sure to leave some distance so she doesn’t end up accidentally crowding him and make his breathing worse.
“Atsushi, could you look at me please?” Kyouka gently says in an attempt to catch his attention again, luckily enough it works and once again he stares at her. “You’re breathing too fast, do you think you could try taking deep breaths with me?”
She starts thinking he’s not going to answer or didn’t hear him after a moment of silence but he ends up giving her a hesitant and somewhat shaky nod in response, that’s a start at least.
Kyouka takes deep, slow exaggerated breaths and instructs Atsushi to follow which he does, or at least tries to. He seems to be having some difficulty with it, struggling to take in a full breath and when he manages it’s shaky at best. “I-I can’t-”
“It’s okay, take your time I’m right here so don't worry, just keep on trying.” She does her best to encourage him, she’d rather not have him pass out from not being able to breathe properly. Maybe she should’ve gotten Yosano for this? But it’s quite late, and she’s not sure Atsushi
would appreciate if she got anyone else involved. He seemed to be feeling guilty enough about getting Kyouka involved
Even so, Yosano’s a doctor, she probably knows breathing techniques and such Kyouka would have to ask her about it later to be more prepared if this were to happen again or convince her to teach Atsushi some, he could make use of it.
It takes awhile, but Kyouka stays patient and slowly Atsushi’s breathing calms down to something less erratic and way steadier. It’s an improvement.
“Are you okay?” She asks him again after a moment.
He gives something between a hum and a whine in response which doesn’t really get them far, he’s clearly not okay which is proved by how he’s still crying with the occasional sob escaping him. Doesn't seem like she’ll get anything out of him by asking him questions, she does have one other idea on how to make him feel better though.
“Would you… like a hug?” Kyouka hesitantly asks him albeit a bit awkwardly, he seemed to enjoy physical contact and hugs her offen and maybe it’ll help comfort him and calm him down? Hugs always made her feel better so… it isn’t that bad of an idea.
She’s not the best at comforting people and her experience is limited if not non-existent but hell she'll make her brother feel better even if it's the last thing she does, he had always been there for her so of course she wants to do the same for him.
Atsushi hesitates, he had already caused her enough trouble at this point and he doesn't want to unnecessarily keep her up any longer but… a hug did sound nice, very nice actually. But he certainly didn’t deserve one at this point.
Even so, against his better judgment, he nods. Feeling unable to put any of the things he’s feeling into words at the moment, curse that fuzzy feeling for clouding his mind and making everything more difficult to do.
Slowly Kyouka draws near him before wrapping both of her arms around him and pulling him in an embrace to the best of her ability, the height difference certainly makes it a bit awkward but they manage and he ends up with his face half buried in her shoulder.
It feels… nice being held like this even though he still feels guilty for asking in the first place. His body shakes a little less with each sob and he didn’t even notice that Kyouka started running her hand up and down his back in a soothing motion which helped too..
He feels stupid for being so upset over such a small thing, it was a nightmare it wasn’t real but he over-thought it and started panicking for no reason waking his poor sister up in the process.
If words didn’t feel like such a faraway thing at the moment he would properly apologize to her for it, but right now all he can manage between sobs is to repeat that he’s sorry over and over again although he’s not sure she can understand any of it since it’s half muffled.
“I-I’m sorry, I’m r-really s-” he repeats for what must’ve been the eighth time only being cut off by Kyouka shushing him.
“It’s okay, you did nothing wrong, you don’t have to be sorry.” She gently reassures him by patting his back, she could pretty much guess what he was apologizing for. “You’ve helped me so much Atsushi, without you I wouldn’t be in the agency right now so don’t feel bad for making me help you, it’s about time I do something for you too.”
He doesn’t answer but that's alright, as long as he understands that it’s fine. She doesn’t need him to say anything. They stay like that awhile longer until Atsushi manages to calm down a bit more, sobs turning into quiet sniffling.
When Kyouka deems that he seems okay enough she slowly pulls back and he immediately wipes the leftover tears away from his face, some embarrassment catching up to him now.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Kyouka asks a moment later but doesn’t push it when Atsushi just shakes his head no in response.
“M’sorry… t’s late” He manages to mumble out after a moment and if he doesn’t notice his speech is slurred Kyouka certainly does but doesn’t mention it and just chalks it up to him being tired, it is late after all.
“It’s okay, I don’t mind.” She honestly answers him and when awkward silence issues she goes on. “Is there… anything else I can do to help?”
“Uh…” He trails off for a moment, eyes scanning the room as if looking for something and it seems that he finds it since his eyes light up. “Could… could you get Nyakko?”
Oh, she wasn’t expecting that but if it helped him she could definitely do that.
Just as she’s about to stand up to go grab said plushie she feels a hand tugging at her sleeve stopping her and she curiously looks up at Atsushi trying to figure out the problem, he looks less than satisfied about the fact that she’s about to leave him (even if very temporarily.)
“I’m just going to get Nyakko, is that okay? I’ll be back in a second I promise ” She asks him softly, like how she’d talk to a small child which she realized resembled her brother’s behavior a bit, Atsushi wasn’t usually that clingy and his speech was usually clearer than that when now it sounded slurred and his voice could be best described by sounding… small. Almost like a child.
Oh!
Was he a little?
It would make sense, it would line up with his current behavior after all and she knew he didn’t exactly have the best childhood so it would make an awful ton of sense for him to be an age regressor and for him to have dropped into headspace because of his upset space, voluntarily or not. She’s not sure if he’s aware of the fact that he’s a little or not, he could’ve started unconsciously regressing as a way to cope without ever knowing.
She’d have to ask him later, now wasn’t the right time and if he didn’t know she’d rather not have to go into a lengthy explanation when it’s probably nearing two in the morning.
As a response to her question, Atsushi hums in response, letting go of her sleeve. “Be quick!”
“I will.” She reassures him and ruffles his hair before standing up, he does seems to appreciate it so some of her suspicions seem to slowly get confirmed.
Kyouka walks out the closet and easily enough finds the tiger plushie laying on the window sill, previously left to dry with the help of the wind outside. She quickly checks it’s dryness by running her hand through it’s fur and finds it completely dry and brought back to its previous vigor.
She grabs the plushie and walks back to the closet which is an approximate two second trip, when she arrives she crouches down again and crawls into the closet settling near Atsushi. She hands him the tiger plushie which he grabs in record time and wraps his arms around it like hugging a friend that was gone at war or something when realistically it’s just been laying at the window for a few hours this night.
“Nyakko!” He exclaims as if he hadn’t seen the plush in years, he hugs it tightly. “Thank you, thank you so much sis!”
Kyouka sort of freezes at that because he’s never, ever called her sis or anything close to that before even though she very much knows that they both see each other as siblings but he’s never actually called her anything of the sort. Not that she minded though, not at all. She liked the new nickname quite a lot.
“I just went to get her, I didn’t do much, you don’t have to thank me.” She insists after a moment but Atsushi doesn’t really seem to care much about it, he yawns suddenly reminding her of how late it must be at this point “Do you think you can go back to sleep now?”
Surprisingly he quickly nods in response any hint of the previous worry gone, still, he makes a small request. “Mmh! Just… uh. Don’t wanna bother but could I keep the closet door open for tonight? Ion wanna sleep in complete dark…”
“Of course, you can move your futon outside the closet too if it makes you feel better, I really don’t mind.” She tries to reassure him, he always insisted on sleeping in that closet for the sake of giving her privacy and space (even though that room was big enough that probably four people could sleep in there) but now since he seemed more unfocused because of his smaller headspace he’d let his guard down and agree for at least this night.
He visibly hesitates for a second clearly thinking it over for a few seconds but ultimately ends up accepting with a small nod, she thought he’d object more to the idea but seems he’s too out of it to properly argue.
With some help he sets his futon into the room and lays down, plushie still wrapped tightly in his arms and he does feel tired after all that crying so being wrapped in a warm blanket in the safety of his own room feels heavenly at that moment. It's nice, comfy, fuzzy and maybe he doesn't mind the feeling and the struggles it brings if it allows him to relax that much right now.
“Atsushi, are you feeling okay now?” His sisters' voice calls out from her own futon, having settled down too.
“Mmh! Thank you for helping me!” He thanks her with a stupid grin, he probably would’ve ended this night way worse without her by his side so he’s sincerely grateful.
“It’s nothing.” Kyouka once again insists and he notices she’s smiling back. “Sleep well, brother.”
Oh, it’s the first time she’s called him that and it makes him feel warm, happy so he decides that he likes it. “G’night sis!”
He feels safe, calm, happy. Like somehow he knows nothing bad will happen to him with his sister around. It’s… weird being taken care of like this he’s her older brother after all so he should probably be the one looking out for her but it’s nice having the opposite happen for once, not needing to worry about anything.
With that in mind it’s easy enough to relax and fall asleep, Nyakko held snugly in his arms.
Birds are already chirping by the time he finally wakes up from slumber, the sun hitting his face in a clearly planned attack to blind him. He covers his eyes with his arms before trying to retreat under the blanket for coverage from the light.
Light didn’t usually blind him in the early mornings, that’s the one advantage of sleeping in a closet.
Oh, wait a second-
He curiously opens up his eyes quickly rubbing the sleep of them before glancing around for a second. He’s surprised to find that he’s not in the closet and woke up in the actual room for once and he can’t for the life of him remember how or why. He notices not long after that the tiger plushie he had set to dry is indeed here too, hidden under the blanket before he fishes her it out.
He tries his best to remember what the hell happened last night but it feels fuzzy around the edges and he can’t remember the entire of it, he had a nightmare or something and ended up accidentally waking up Kyouka at some point, she comforted him. His memory fails him in finding more detail but that might be a good thing because he feels horrified enough about it now, he’d have to apologize the next time he sees her. She’s not in the room.
Did he sleep in?! What day even is it? He scrambles to find his abandoned phone inside the closet and checks the time and he panics more when he notices that it’s Thursday and the time shows 12:04 .
Kunikida is gonna kill him, he’s so dead.
Somehow he didn’t receive any texts from him though questioning his absence but he’s not sure if that’s a good or bad sign right now. His best course of action right now is to hurry the hell up and think of a damn good excuse for why he’s late while he does that.
He quickly changes into his usual outfit, trying to do things faster tends to make it unnecessarily complicated because he almost trips and falls trying to put his pants on but fortunately he manages to stay upright.
Just as he finishes tying his tie he hears the sound of keys turning in a lock and the front door opening.
He stumbles down the hall mentally preparing four different apologies to tell Kunikida, he assumes it’s Kunikida. After all, he had in the past gone to Dazai’s dorm to drag him to work, he had a double of all the dorm keys so it wouldn’t be surprising
But as the door opens he feels somewhat relieved seeing it’s Kyouka instead because that means he’s most likely not about to get a scolding first thing in the morning.
“You’re awake.” She simply says walking further into the dorm room.
“Yeah, I woke up way too late! Is Kunikida mad? Did he say anything? I don’t know why my alarm didn’t ring I must’ve forgotten to set it I’m such an idiot-” He rambles on practically panicking as if he’s gonna get fired for missing a few hours of work.
“I turned it off.” Kyouka tells him not seeming all at all worried.
“Huh?! What! Why?!” He asks in succession, did he do something to upset her causing her to want to take revenge on him like this? He would’ve apologized if she told him!
She hesitates a bit before answering trying to figure out the right words “I didn’t want you to have to go to work exhausted after what happened last night so I let you sleep in, you didn’t seem in the right headspace either and I wasn’t sure if you’d wake up like that too and I didn’t want to risk you forcing yourself to go to work like that. Which you surely would’ve done, knowing you.”
“…Headspace?” Atsushi questions not exactly knowing what she meant by that, he wasn’t in the right headspace last night? “What do you mean by that? Was I acting weirdly?”
“Do you remember what happened yesterday, at all?” She asks him with a tilt of the head, he could remember some figments and bits but nothing in exact detail he knows he woke up at some point last night somehow resulting in Kyouka waking up to and something happened but other than that…
“Uh.” He tries to recall but it was the middle of the night and he was probably tired too after all so it’s no wonder he’s struggling to remember. “Not exactly? Did I… do anything strange?”
“No, well not exactly.” The vague response doesn’t do much to ease his worries but she goes on a moment later. “Atsushi, are you… a little by any chance?”
That question only leads to more confusion as he’s never heard that term before. “…I don’t understand what you mean? Am I a what now?”
“Oh, well I expected it.” She simply says, moving around the room before sitting down near the table they had. “You should sit down, I’ll explain it to you.”
Although a bit nervous, Atsushi sits down adjacent to her and Kyouka clears her throat before beginning to explain what she meant. Answering any of his questions along the way.
He soon understands why she asked that question, he wasn’t even aware age regression was a thing before this conversation and he certainly wasn’t aware that he might be… regressing? Was that what that feeling was? Maybe it wasn’t but god it would make an awful lot of sense. With his awful childhood and all too it would make sense for his mind to do that as a way to cope but still, it was surprising.
“Uh is that like a-” He tries to find the right words scratching the back of his neck. “…Commonly known thing I just never knew about?”
“Age regression is something most people have at least heard about even if not in detail.” She shortly explains. “You probably haven’t heard of it because you’ve only been out of the orphanage for a bit less than a year at this point but was a coping mechanism at least it’s certainly known.”
“I see.” Atsushi does his best to process all the information that has been given to him in the last fifteen minutes. “ I’m sorry for bothering you last night, you shouldn’t have felt obliged to take care of me because of my headspace I’ll-”
“Atsushi.” She firmly says effectively shutting him up. “I didn’t help you because I felt obliged to it, I wasn’t even sure you were a little. I helped you because I care about you, you’re one of my loved ones so of course I would want to make you feel better, you’ve done so much for me at this point so this is the least I could do.”
He’s taken aback for a second, she referred to him as one of her loved ones it’s almost as if-
They’re family.
Of course they are, he knew that at this point of course he did but still hearing it out loud makes him feel warm, happy, and content. Having a place he can call home and people he can call family is all he’s ever wanted and he tries to ignore the way he’s getting emotional and his eyes suddenly feel more watery than they did a second ago but he quickly blinks that away.
“Oh” Is all that he manages not exactly sure what else to say, he smiles at her in an honest and open way. “Thank you Kyouka, I’m grateful for all of your help.
“It’s no problem at all, I’ll always be there if you need any more help at anytime.” She reassures him. “Do you have any other questions? Regarding what we talked about.”
“Ah, no I think you already told me more than enough for now haha give me some time to process and understand all of it, I’ll just try to figure the rest out overtime on my own but thank you again.” Atsushi once again thanks her with a smile. “Do you think… it’s too late for me to come in for work now?”
“I told Kunikida you were sick, but you could come in after lunch and say you’re feeling better.” She suggests, glancing at the time. “We still have around fifteen minutes left.”
“Oh! How about I take you out for crepes, to make up for the troubles?” He says in a fit of genius.
“You weren’t troubling me but… If you’re offering I won’t refuse.” She unsurprisingly accepts, the girl loved sweet things after all.
“C’mon let's go! If we take too long we’ll be late for work afterwards.” He says grabbing her hand and practically dragging her along, she doesn’t seem to mind and just squeezes his hand back.
It’s nice having someone he can call family, a sister.