Work Text:
Working at the agency usually wasn’t that overwhelming of a job, when missions were not assigned Akutagawa’s job consisted of working on reports, and other papers Kunikida assigned him. When he was done the older man skimmed through what he wrote and decided if he found it acceptable or not.
More often than not, he didn’t.
Either because he was strict or didn’t quite agree with the way Akutagawa went about completing his work. He lacked experience and well… frankly didn’t see any point in sitting down and completing paperwork for hours when he could be out on missions actually helping people and doing something.
But, either way, he did not complain. The agency had been kind enough to take him in when he had nowhere to go and gave him a dorm to sleep in with an acceptable paycheck to go along with it. So he did the required work in exchange.
Paperwork was usually no trouble, as boring as it could get it wasn’t complicated. Even with Kunikida sometimes checking it and deciding that he needed to redo it from scratch more than once. It was never a particularly tedious task in his opinion, he could deal with it.
Today for some reason though, he couldn’t get himself to focus.
He stares down at the file he’s supposed to be reading and lets his eyes wander over the words, it seems that every time he reads a sentence he forgets the previous one or just doesn’t register it at all, leading to him having to reread it multiple times over and over again. He’s pretty sure he’s reread this paragraph thrice by now but if someone asked him to tell him what he just read he wouldn’t be able to answer.
He could already feel the incoming headache, him being tired and therefore not being able to work as well because of that could be an explanation for it. But he didn’t feel physically tired at all and he just came back from lunch break so this couldn’t be it.
Maybe he feels mentally tired, burnt out. He’s heard Yosano use that term before. He had been sent on a week-long mission not long ago and maybe because he went back to work immediately his body and mind hadn’t had the time to rest properly. But he felt just fine. He didn’t sustain any notable injuries. This wasn't disastrous; he was just having an off day and just had to push through so he could rest a bit more afterwards to fix that, maybe.
He will complete his work if it’s the last thing he does, he can’t be caught slacking. The agency could fire him at any time if they find that he's not working well enough for their standards and he doesn’t want that to happen. He wouldn’t know where to go and even though he doesn’t show it; he’s gotten quite attached to the people there. After all they’ve done for him he considered them to be friends and maybe even family in a way.
And he’s not about to lose all that because of sloppy paperwork so he forces himself to keep reading. He has to write a response to the file, it was an offer from another organization to the Agency. Which frankly wasn’t worth taking from what he’s understood but still he has to read all of it so he can write a professional response stating the why part of the refusal.
He quickly learnt that answering such papers with Yes, No or Perhaps wasn’t the way to do it after a few of Kunikida’s scoldings. It made ‘the Agency look unprofessional’ or something like that.
An elaborate, long response was expected of him. He already felt so done with this and he could barely comprehend what the words on the paper meant together.
The incoming headache he sensed earlier seemed to have come but it didn’t feel like his usual headaches. His brain just felt like mush, and the more he tried to force himself to focus the worse it got. Some strange fuzzy sensation that wasn’t there before is now present and becoming less ignorable by the minute.
It wasn’t particularly unpleasant though in fact he doesn’t mind the feeling and apart from the fact it’s disturbing him from doing his work correctly he’d say it feels nice, it’s almost encouraging him to relax into it. To drop down into that headspace.
Ah, now he knows what it is.
It’s been years, but he still remembers. When he was younger he and Gin were still out in the slums together alone with those other friends. Sometimes, when he got too overwhelmed or stressed out something that would help was dropping down into a peculiar mental headspace, one of a child to be exact. It wasn’t exactly something he did often but when it happened voluntarily or more often than not involuntarily his sister would always take care of him, reassure him that everything would be alright. Temporarily distracting him from their terrible living situation. She’s the only person who he trusted enough to do this around.
This might explain why he hasn’t felt like this in years, it feels awkward trying to regress alone and he could never truly manage to drop down completely in those cases. He’s tried very few times, maybe once or twice after that fateful night in the woods. But it was no use, the most he’s managed is to get stuck between headspaces which wasn’t a great experience. It just stressed him out more so he stopped trying at some point.
It always felt like something was missing, because every time he regressed in the past Gin was there. It felt like he was doing it wrong in a way and it wasn’t like he had anyone else to ask.
But now she wasn’t there, and she wouldn’t be anymore most likely for the rest of his life. If she doesn’t manage to forgive him.
After their last encounter, he’s never seen her again and doesn’t know her whereabouts but didn’t continue searching after her. She wouldn’t appreciate it, seeing as she quite literally stabbed him last time they met before calling him an evil, vengeful man straight to his face. It’s been a year since then but he’s sure… that they’ll meet again someday. And that day they’ll reconcile because he’s changed, he’s not the same man he was a year or two ago.
He really misses her though.
That train of thought is upsetting which is something he belatedly notices when his eyes suddenly feel warm. He quickly blinks before tears even have the chance to form.
He’s forgotten, he gets more emotional in this state of mind. Even though he’s thankfully not fully regressed now he could feel the edges of that creeping in. He can’t allow himself to cry here.
Why though? Why was he feeling that now of all times? He didn’t feel that particularly distressed or upset before so that can’t be the reason. If he couldn’t drop down into headspace alone why was this suddenly happening right now around the members of the agency.
Had he… grown to trust them so much that his mind felt safe enough to regress right here? Did he really see the agency as that much of a safe space? This definitely wasn’t the appropriate space for something like this though, he’s at work.
He has work to do, and what if someone did notice. How would they react? It’s a way to cope that some people found weird, what if they found him weird ? Not that they already don’t, somewhat, he’s a peculiar individual after all but he doesn’t want them to look at him weirdly if they were to find out and react negatively.
Akutagawa’s not sure he would be able to handle any teasing or mocking about it. He might do something embarrassing like lash out or start crying.
But it’s fine, because it won’t happen because they won’t find out because he’ll stay big. In his adult headspace doing all of his adult paperwork, thank you very much. He hasn’t dropped down in years so it’s certainly not about to happen now.
His eyes set on the paper in front of him and the words feel blurry, he’s always had perfect vision so that’s strange. Reading and making sense of what’s written has become an arduous task and when he finishes reading a sentence it feels like he’s read an entire dictionary.
A blank sheet of paper that he’s supposed to write… something , on is next to the paper and he doesn’t know what to write. How does he start those letters again? What did Kunikida teach him?
Try as he might, he can't quite recall enough to put that knowledge to use right now. The pen in his hand stands useless since he doesn’t write anything down, when it does hit the paper it’s not to write but to put a small doodle on it. A cat. Maybe having a small animal on the paper to watch over his work would be motivating enough to keep going. Even though it’s not very professional to include doodles in his paperwork.
Ah, the cat might get lonely though so he draws another one next to it. What if they get sick of eachother? Everyone can’t get along all the time so just in case, he adds a third one.
A third one turns into a fourth and before he knows it there are a total of five cats, two bats, tree frogs, and one very small sized giraffe doodled on his paper. That should be fine.
Ah it seems he got off track.
“Akutagawa.” A deep voice behind him pulls him out of his thoughts and he spins his chair around only to face his mentor, Oda Sakunosuke.
Wasn’t he out on business? It’s surprising seeing him here. Compared to some other members he wasn’t in the agency office that often, honestly he could more often be seen at the cafe below than here. Akutagawa’s not sure why Kunikida has never complained about that, he must be doing more outside work than actual paperwork.
How lucky of him to not have to complete piles and piles of paperwork everyday, Akutagawa is almost jealous.
“Hello.” He curtly greets the taller man, he must’ve finished eating that special kind of curry he always ordered not that long ago because Akutagawa’s pretty sure he can spot a small stain of sauce on the man’s shirt.
“Hey, working I assume?” Oda asks leaning over the desk to check his work, unsurprisingly he doesn’t find any and his eyes instead glance over the various animal drawings filling the page.
Akutagawa feels a pit forming in his stomach, he’s been caught doing something he clearly wasn’t supposed to and is about to get scolded for it. Never a pleasant experience.
“You like cats?” Oda suddenly asks as his eyes once again skim over the page taking in all the small details meaningless of the drawings.
“Sorry ,uh, yes.” He mumbles, an apology automatically rolling off his tongue even when the older man hasn’t scolded him yet. “Even though cats don’t seem to like me very much in return…”
He’s tried one too many times to pet a stray cat and ended up with scratch marks all over his hands. No matter which way he went about it, it seemed that they all collectively have a distaste for him. Seeing a stray cat hiss at him when he tried to pet it but it being affectionate when the Weretiger did the exact same thing confirmed that.
Maybe Atsushi just had a natural charm that made cats like him, he was practically a cat himself with his tiger ability even though he always denied it.
“Well, you can’t help it. Someday I'm sure you’ll find one that appreciates you.” Oda says with a sigh, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder and Akutagawa has to stop himself from melting into it.
Stay big, don’t embarrass yourself in front of your mentor more than you already did. Oda has already caught him not working so let’s not make it any worse.
“I’ll get back to work now, I apologize for getting distracted..” He takes the doodled piece of paper and crumples it into a ball, which is a bit painful because he really liked some of those drawings. But it doesn’t matter, he has to focus on work. It’s more important.
He takes out a new piece of paper and picks up his pen, preparing to write or at least pretending to. Until Oda left.
If only the older man would leave though, he’s still there and his hand is still on Akutagawa’s shoulder as if overlooking his work. There’s no work to overlook though. Doesn’t Kunikida usually do this? Why does Oda suddenly feel the need to do this now of all times?
He has to leave, Akutagawa can’t get himself to write anything even with all that fancy talk where he didn’t let the fact that he didn’t feel all that big show he still felt unable to do any proper work. A fog clouding his mind that he can’t shake away. His hand doesn’t move the slightest
bit from its spot on the paper as if he’s been turned into stone. He was expecting Oda to walk away to whatever business he has after their conversation but apparently not.
“Akutagawa.” Oda says in a tone that Akutagawa can’t discern, is he angry and about to scold him for slacking off? “Are you having trouble with this?”
Ah, it’s not anger it's concern . Oda often sounds, well , montone so it's hard to tell at times but after spending enough time with the older man he’s slowly learnt to tell the difference.
“No, I'm just…” just what? He spouts the first reasonable explanation that comes to mind. “Thinking.”
“Ah.” Oda doesn't sound convinced, Akutagawa doesn't respond or try to convince him any further.
It goes silent between them for a moment and Akutagawa assumes that Oda is about to leave, he doesn’t think either of them have anything else to add to the conversation. He’s quickly proved wrong and his heart drops in his chest when he hears the taller man’s next question.
“Are you sure you’re in the right headspace to be thinking about work?” He questions.
What.
No, he didn't… mean it like that. No one other than Gin knew about this and he sure as hell didn’t tell anyone else. He wasn’t being that obvious was he?
But of course, he could tell. Oda spent a lot of his time taking care of orphans, small children. Of course he’d recognize that sort of behavior no matter how slick Akutagawa thought he was about it. There’s no hiding it from someone like him.
He mustn’t admit it though, it’s better to just play dumb. And maybe the man really meant something else than what Akutagawa was thinking of. Most people don’t know what age regression is anyway so let’s not jump to conclusions.
“I’m fine, I can work.” He insists, not even mentioning that ‘headspace’ comment. Better to ignore that.
“Is the ink pooling on your paper proof of that?” He points out, just on time Akutagawa lifts his pen. There's a small circle of ink there where his pen had stayed unmoved for a bit too long.
He doesn’t answer, he doesn’t know what to answer that could possibly prove the other man wrong.
“Kunikida.” Oda calls out and the hand on his shoulder is suddenly gone, his first immediate thoughts shouldn’t be wanting it back. “I’ll be taking Akutagawa out of work if you don’t mind.”
Kunikida takes a second to respond, having to tell the client he’s on the phone with to wait for a minute. He puts his hand over the phone to mute the sound of his voice. “If I don’t mind?! I can’t have you stealing employees from work for no reason, what do you even need him for? Don’t you see the amount of paperwork on his desk?”
There was quite a pile there, it wasn’t as if he had been purposefully not doing work or anything, it was just that it seemed every time he completed something, Kunikida would give him double the amount afterwards. Something about ‘building experience’. The only thing this built was hand cramps.
“It’s important, it has to do with his training .” Oda simply says sparing Akutagawa a short glance, he doesn’t say anything.
“If it’s Important couldn’t you have told me beforehand about this? We could really use him now.” Kunikida rightfully questions and Oda just blankly stares at him. He sighs. “God, fine. As long as he can still show up to work tomorrow or even better, in an hour or two I don’t care. Bring him back intact, would you?”
“Of course.” The older man agrees and Kunikida goes back to talking to his client.
This is probably his cue to leave with the other man so Akutagawa stands up quickly collecting whatever he needs from his desk.
He’s taken off guard when Oda grabs his wrist before walking out of the office, dragging him along and leaving Akutagawa no choice but to follow. It’s raining outside but luckily enough for them Oda has an umbrella. Akutagawa had always disliked rain and seen it as a hindrance when he still lived outside but now he’s come to appreciate the sound of it now. It’s peaceful, and jumping in rain puddles is a fun activity.
The grip around his wrist isn’t too tight or uncomfortable though, in a strange way it’s reassuring. He won’t accidentally stray away or get lost that way.
He probably shouldn’t have, he might be overstepping but he pulls his wrist away to quickly grab the other man’s hand. Intervening their fingers. Oda doesn’t even react, he keeps walking and just holds the younger man’s hand back.
It’s making Akutagawa feel warm, nice, fuzzy. He hasn’t dropped down completely just yet but it sure won’t last long until he does if things keep going on like this.
He’s not paying any attention to where the man really is dragging him, all he knows is that it certainly did not have to do with his training. Akutagawa’s really glad that Oda lied to Kunikida instead of telling him the truth. God he’s not ready for the entire Agency to know about this as much as he trusts them he’d really rather not have them know for now, having Oda find out was already a bit of a stressful experience but at least he didn’t react negatively or anything.
It’s been so long since he’s regressed, or at least properly regressed with someone to take care of him around. If Oda counts as that. Maybe he’s misunderstanding the situation and Oda doesn’t have a single clue he’s a little right now, but he wouldn’t be holding his hand then would he? Or maybe he just thought Akutagawa looked stressed out and physical contact might help? Or maybe-
Before he can overthink it more his internal speech is cut off as Oda let’s go of his hand and they walk inside a room, it’s designed similarly to the dorm Akutagawa sleeps in so he can only guess this is Oda’s dorm room. It’s clean, tidy, but it looks lived in. When Oda steps out of his shoes Akutagawa automatically does the same.
He briefly remembers that he still doesn’t know what they’re here for or what he’s supposed to be doing but Oda leads him to the living room. They sit down and it’s probably been silently said that Akutagawa’s supposed to sit on the other side but he opts to sit next to him. Feeling the need to be close to the older man.
“Why… did you bring me here?” He asks while nervously fidgeting with his hands, maybe Oda brought him here to scold him for not focusing on his work right. Maybe he didn’t want to yell at him in front of everyone else. Maybe Akutagawa misunderstood the entire situation like an idiot and Oda has no clue about his regression.
He’s quickly proven wrong.
“You didn’t seem to be in the right state for any work, you’re feeling small right?” Oda answers his question with another question getting right to the point and Akutagawa’s eyes widen a bit in surprise.
So he did know . There’s no way he could mean anything else by this and it might’ve been obvious that he knew earlier too but that confirmation still surprises him.
He could still deny it, maybe pretend he doesn’t know what the hell Oda is talking about and leave. Nothing is keeping him here. Hell, Oda couldn’t force him to stay here even if he wanted to.
But he doesn’t want to leave, how long has it been since he’s last been able to regress? Not having any way or time to properly cope and process things in the past few years was certainly taking it’s toll on him so yes, he desperately wants to drop down, he wants someone to take care of him, he wants his sister again, it feels like he’s been all alone for so long and he’s so, so tired of it. He just wants things to go back to the way they were and fix the mistakes he’s made.
Maybe it’s his fault that he ended up alone like this, he can’t find anyone else to blame.
He’s crashing down fast into headspace for the first time in months or well actually years . Tears well up in his eyes without his permission, his bottom lip unsteadily wobbling and the deep breath he tries to take in an attempt to calm down just results in him letting out a small sob.
Suddenly there’s an arm wrapped around him but he doesn’t even flinch, instead leaning into it. Too desperate for gentle physical contact as if he’s been starved of it for years. It’s comforting but for some reason it doesn’t help him calm down, he can’t get the tears to stop and trying to take calming breaths almost makes it worse. There’s no reason to be crying, nothing bad happened, Oda has been nothing but kind to him but now he's being ridiculous and the older man probably feels forced to deal with it.
“It’s okay.” Oda’s voice is a reassuring thing to hear amidst all his thoughts, he only now notices there’s a hand rubbing his shoulder.
It’s not okay, even with all that he’s not calming down.
“I-I can’t.” He manages, voice shaky and barely loud enough for the other to hear and he knows he’s not being very specific with that statement but he can’t come up with anything else. He feels so stupid, childish, like he’s being too much.
“Hey, you’ll make yourself sick like this. You’re allowed to cry, you don’t have to hold back Akutagawa. I’m not leaving.” His voice is impossibly gentle, more so than Akutagawa had ever heard before.
To prove his point, Oda moves closer until their legs touch. Holding him in a way that could only be described as an embrace. Akutagawa’s head ends up against Oda’s chest, one of his hand comes up to grip the fabric of the other man's shirt in an attempt to ground himself.
It feels like everything is hitting him at once, hard. He can’t hold it in anymore, some sort of pained noise slips out of his throat before he starts sobbing and in a last deep effort to muffle the noise or hide it he buries his face in Oda’s shirt. Effectively staining it with snot and tears.
Oda doesn’t seem to care much because he just wraps his other arm around the younger boy, holding him gently.
It’s not pretty, he’s more wailing than sobbing at this point but it’s clear this is something he’s been holding back for awhile. This isn’t coming out of nowhere, years of built up pain, loss and disappointment led to this. It just happened that today it just happened to all hit at once. It seems that repressing things didn’t work indefinitely.
Akutagawa’s not even certain what he’s crying about, it’s just been awhile since someone cared for him like this. It’s a lot, but it feels like he might die if the other man stops holding him. He misses his sister, he regrets so many things. Maybe if he went about it differently the last time he talked to her she would’ve stayed. But no, he couldn’t convince her he wasn’t a vengeful monster that abandoned her in the first place.
It hurts, so much.
And it’s all his fault
He chokes on a sob, breaking into a series of coughs making him feel nauseous. He can faintly hear Oda telling him to breathe and embarrassment settles deep in his chest, he’s wasting the other man’s time. It’s pitiful really, being so upset over things that were due to his own mistakes. He doesn’t deserve being coddled like this, he’s making himself look like a victim when everythings bad that’s happened to him was his fault, he should leave right now. He doesn’t deserve comfort, it’s rotten work.
The dark haired man whines, pushing himself back from the embrace with all the strength he can gather. He stands up way too fast, making him dizzy and he’s pretty sure he would’ve fallen back down on the couch if Oda didn’t grab his waist to help him stabilize.
“Akutagawa, where are you going?” His tone is gentle, kind and Akutagawa can’t begin to understand why he’s not angry, well not that he has ever seen Oda seriously angry at him but still he should be at least a little annoyed at his behavior. He’s being ungrateful.
See? He’s undeserving of affection, and well he’s never needed it so that shouldn’t change today.
He really should leave before he does something worse.
Something irreparable.
“I- ’m gonna go-” His voice sounds wobbly, stupid and he barely manages the words out before quickly walking away, ripping himself out of his mentor’s gentle hold.
Expectedly, he doesn’t manage to get very far. That as in he takes a few steps to the door, Oda stops him by grabbing his wrist and he all but collapses to the floor, sobbing like an idiot. It’s pathetic, it’s ridiculous but he can’t stop.
This is not going as planned. Not that he ever really had a plan but still, it’s not going well at all.
He barely acknowledges it when Oda sits down on the floor next to him, he doesn’t react when a hand touches his shoulder.
“Hey, buddy.” Oda’s voice prompts him to look at the man, barely able to achieve that through the blur of tears. He whines, unable to respond. “Why do you want to leave? Would you rather I bring you to your dorm? We can hang out there if you prefer.”
Oda is being so kind, patient, accommodating it’s a waste truly. And what does Akutagawa do in return? He sobs on the floor like an idiot, unable to even explain why because he’s crying so hard and words aren’t working well right now. The other man asking him questions, no matter how well intentioned, only stressed him out more and oh god he’s on the verge of a panic attack. He doesn’t know what to do.
“Akutagawa?” The older man calls out at the other’s unresponsiveness and if Akutagawa’s vision wasn’t clouded by tears he might’ve noticed the slightest worried frown on his face. Akutagawa buries his face in his arms with a whine uselessly trying to get his breathing under control, he fails and that sends him into a small coughing fit.
“I’m sorry, feels overwhelming yeah? it’s okay don’t worry, just try to breathe? Wouldn’t want you to choke or anything again Aku.” Oda says and his usual calming tone is reassuring to hear. Akutagawa practically melts when the other man gently lifts his face and cups it with his hands, wiping- or well trying to wipe the tears away. There were a lot so it didn’t work out as well as planned.
“Don’t worry, it’s okay I’m not leaving anytime soon try to get your thoughts in order and then you can tell me what’s upsetting you alright? Take your time, I’m just here to help.” One of his hands moves to pat the younger man’s head and he’s caught off guard when Akutagawa suddenly dives into his arms, almost knocking him back against the floor.
The older man is quick to react, wrapping his arms around Akutagawa and rubbing his back in a hopefully comforting gesture. He just lets the younger boy wail in his arms, occasionally offering a comforting word or two or reminding him to breathe. There’s no point in trying to ask him what’s wrong when he’s unable to answer so the best course of action is to let him cry it out for a bit in hope’s he’ll calm down and be coherent enough to answer after.
He seems really worked up and Oda would rather not go through the experience of getting vomited on because of the other crying to hard. Having gone through that experience with some of his kids that usually ends up with him covered in vomit and the kid being even more upset afterwards is definitely something they should avoid.
Usually carrying them around and bouncing them for a bit distracts them a bit and calms them down, maybe that would work?
Well better than nothing.
“I'm going to pick you up, is that okay with you Aku?” When he gets an almost imperceptible nod Oda easily lifts the younger boy up, it’s almost worrying how light he seems to be.
He maneuvers him a bit to be more comfortable, Akutagawa’s arms wrap around his neck and his head gets buried in the older man’s shoulder. Still, he keeps on sobbing, surely getting Oda’s shirt dirty with snot and tears. How much more of an inconvenience can he be before Oda decides to throw him out?
Oda walks around the small apartment with the other man in his arms, rubbing reassuring circles along his back and bouncing him gently. He tries to throw in the reassuring word there and there in an attempt to comfort him.
The bouncing motion is soothing enough and even though the tears don’t immediately stop Akutagawa quietens up a bit, sniffling. Breathing feels just a little easier like this, he's a bit startled when he takes notice of a humming sound. It’s soothing, it feels familiar because he’s heard Oda hum that song before.
He focuses on it, it helps him calm down just a little more.
Akutagawa sniffles, bringing a hand up to his face to wipe some of the tears away. Almost like a cat he nuzzles his face against Oda’s shoulder. Only silent tears are falling now.
“Shh it’s okay baby, good job. That was a lot huh? I didn’t mean to overwhelm you, I’m sorry. Let’s go sit down.” It’s the same tone he uses when talking to any of the orphans he takes care of, the pet name makes Akutagawa feel warm inside, maybe happy.
They settle down on the couch. Akutagawa ends up on Oda’s lap and in no way does he try to move, it’s comfortable and he feels exhausted after that breakdown so he surely deserves some rest.
A hand comes to run through his hair and if he was a cat he for sure would’ve purred.
“So, could you tell me what got you so upset buddy? You don’t have to but maybe I could help? Take your time, I’ll wait until you’re ready.” The older man says, Akutagawa nods but doesn’t immediately speak. He’s startled when theres a tissue pushed against his nose. “Blow for me.”
He does, clearing his airway and Oda wipes some of the dry tears off his face with another tissue before discarding both of them.
Akutagawa would inevitably have to explain why he started crying to that extent but also he doesn’t want to think about it or talk about it or he will start crying again.
He supposes Oda deserves an explanation for his nonsensical behavior since he had to deal with it.
It’s always harder to speak when little, half the time his sentences come out unclear or incomprehensible so he really tries to focus on what he will say this time.
“My sis…” He manages, and at the words tears well up in his eyes. Still, he has to push through. “I miss her. t’s all my fault that she left, I’m a monster! I-If I didn’t leave her she would- she would still-”
He sobs, sentence left unfinished. Oda gently shushes him, rubbing a hand along his back in an effort to calm him down.
“I don’t think that’s true.” Oda says, tone certain. “Would a monster be part of an agency that saves lives? Surely not.”
“Tha doesn’t mean anything…” Akutagawa whines, shaking his head. “I left her all alone, t’s all my fault. I-I don’t deserve comfort, you shouldn’t be nice to me.”
Oda thinks about it for a moment and Akutagawa prepares for the other man to come to his senses and agree with him.
“Akutagawa, sweetheart.” Oda starts, Akutagawa does not deserve to get called such sweet names. “You were just a young boy, your friends got killed in front of you. I'm sure you were just in shock. You can’t blame yourself entirely for how you acted there.”
“And comfort isn’t something one deserves or earns, people comfort people that they care about. I care about you so I offer you my comfort no matter how much you think you don’t deserve it. To me you do, and I’m sure anyone else in the agency would’ve done the same, we care about you Akutagawa.” Oda explains, tone serious and yet not stern.
“You shouldn’t.” A sob escapes and he coughs for a moment.
“Look at it this way, Akutagawa I’m no saint, I used to be an assassin, I’ve killed people.” The older man says even though Akutagawa already knew that. “Do you think of me as an irredeemable person because of that? Do I not deserve love or comfort?”
“No cause you’re good now, you’re a good man.” Akutagawa says like it's the most obvious thing ever to him, Oda is probably the kindest person he knows of course he deserves those things.
“Then why don’t you grant yourself the same kindness? You’re a good kid, Akutagawa.” There's a tissue on his face again wiping the tears away. “Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.”
The younger boy doesn’t verbally respond, making a doubtful noise in response instead. They stay sitting for a while simply enjoying each other's company.
“Hey buddy, don’t put that in your mouth it's icky.” Oda tells him and Akutagawa is confused before realizing, oh, he’s been chewing on a part of Oda’s shirt, almost like a moth. He whines, complaining.
It’s an embarrassing habit, he just… likes chewing stuff, little or not. His nails are ruined from biting on them, he can’t count the amount of times Kunikida scolded him for chewing on the fabric of his tie. But when he gets the urge, he just feels bad, dissatisfied if he doesn’t do it. He never outgrew that.
“C’mon, I can give you something way better than my dirty shirt.” He’s being lifted up into Oda’s arms again, he walks around the appartement looking through drawers until he finds something, from the noise of it still neatly wrapped in plastic. Akutagawa can’t see it from this angle.
Oda opens it, washes it at the kitchen sink and soon enough they’re back on the couch.
“Okay Aku, Open your mouth for me, please?” Oda says and wow, he’s wearing a slight smile. It’s a rare expression. Maybe… he is enjoying taking care of Akutagawa?
Either way Akutagawa goes ahead and does that, he opens his mouth and closes his eyes not sure what to expect.
Something is shoved in his mouth, he bites down on it, reaching to hold the handle of the object.
I’ts, chewy?
It’s a nice material to chew on , when he opens his eyes he recognizes it as blue but other than that he’s never seen such an object.
“It’s a chew toy, it was supposed to be for Katsumi but he outgrew the habit before it came in.” Oda’s hand runs through his hair. “Good I kept it around huh?”
It’s hard to speak with something in his mouth but still he wants to show that he’s grateful. “ I ike it!”
“I’m glad.” Oda smiles at him, ruffling his hair, throwing all the work he put into brushing it this morning to waste. But, well, right now Akutagawa doesn’t care.
He feels so happy, loved . Cared for.
They stay like that for a while, it’s comfortable, nice, warm. And after all that crying Akutagawa feels tired, his blinks become longer as he tries to fight it off. It’s the middle of the day and he can't fall asleep now.
Still maybe he can, just rest his eyes a little, that’s allowed right? The big light is starting to hurt his eyes. He nuzzles his face against Oda’s chest with a hum, closing his eyes, content.
He feels sleepiness washing over him, Oda’s hand is rubbing circles on his back and that’s just making it worse. Still he tries to fight it off. Ryuunosuke Akutagawa does not take naps and that doesn’t change now.
When his eyes open again he’s startled enough to realize he’s not in the same place, he’s sitting on a bed and he belatedly realizes his work pants have been replaced for soft sweatpants. There are hands that are his undoing his tie. He makes a sound, confused.
“Oh! Hi buddy, awake again?” Oda asks and Akutagawa has no recollection of ever falling asleep but he guesses that’s what must’ve happened. “Changing you into something more comfy, you are not napping in jeans baby.”
“Nooo..” He whines, but still he doesn’t put up a fight and lifts his arms when Oda takes his shirt off. “M’not tired!”
“You were drooling against my shirt, I wouldn’t be so sure.” A sweatshirt is put on him, it’s a bit too big so Akutagawa assumes it must be one of Oda’s.
The fabric is soft, and well it certainly smells like Oda, it’s comforting.
He belatedly realizes his chew toy is gone and that he's been gnawing on one of his fingers, Oda grabs his wrist to pull his hand away from his mouth.
“We don’t do that baby that’s gross, you’ll hurt yourself .” He gently scolds the younger man, Akutagawa uselessly attempts to rip his hand away because it’s his fingers, he washes his hands, and he doesn’t understand why it should matter if they end up damaged or not. Band aids were created for a reason.
Oda chuckles at the other’s clear pout, still he moves away for a moment once again rummaging through a drawer, he finds what he’s looking for.
“I need to go wash this, I’ll be back in a second okay? Stay here.” When he gets a nod in response the older man leaves the room.
Akutagawa leans back, laying down on the bed and shuffling up until his head hits the pillow. It’s comfy, Oda clearly put in good money for some expensive pillows and sheets. He covers himself with the blanket.
It’s good, sure, but he’s alone and that’s making the barest hints of anxiety flare up.
No, he is not clingy. Thank you very much, he’s survived on his own all these years so spending a few minutes alone shouldn’t be a problem at all. But still, maybe he feels just a little, tiny, minuscule bit bad about being left alone when little but still, not clingy!
He remembers once, Gin left him while little for half an hour because she had to go solve something. When she came back he was sobbing, hysterical almost.
Okay, maybe he is more than a bit clingy and scared of being left alone like this but hey, Oda didn’t go far, the older man literally told him what he would do and said he’d be back soon. He wouldn’t lie to Akutagawa.
He’s not a baby, he can be left alone for a minute, it’s fine, no need to be dramatic now.
It’s fine.
Don’t be dramatic .
Thirty seconds pass when Akutagawa decides hes had enough; it should not take that long to wash something under the sink. It’s a small apartment. So he decides to go check, you know, just in case something did happen.
Logic tells him everything is fine but his time in the slums is engraved in his mind, he’s had friends die or get sold into human trafficking because of a few minutes of inattention. It won’t happen here, it’s safe, even if something does happen Oda can defend himself he’s killed people before for fucks sake.
He’s being irrational but he can’t help it.
His hand is on the door handle and he’s thinking if he should really go out and check when the door opens, startling him. He quickly takes a step back to avoid the door knocking into him.
“Oh.” The older man appears surprised, at least in his tone. “Where are you going buddy? Do you need something?”
Akutagawa is relieved, relieved enough that he wants to hug the other man but that’s stupid. He left for like three minutes. It's not like he’s coming back from war.
Akutagawa feels foolish like he did something he wasn’t supposed to do. His face goes red, he stumbles over his words. “I- I wa…”
He doesn’t know how to explain that without sounding like a paranoid idiot, too many words and talking about his past required for it to make sense but god he doesn’t want to cry again.
He fidgets with the hem of his sleeve, Oda looks at him unexpectedly, Akutagawa settles on one word and prays for no further questions. “worried.”
Surprisingly, or well at least to him. Oda doesn’t laugh. Or question him further. He just reassures him.
“I’m sorry I took such a long time, little one.” A hand comes to Akutagawa’s head to gently pet it, almost as one would with a dog. “Thank you for waiting, in fact it took me a little longer because I was looking for something else for you. Think of it as a gift, okay?”
Something soft is pressed against his chest, Akutagawa glances down and grabs it with both his hands. It’s a small plushie, a grey wolf from what he can tell as he observes it. There are some spots with patchwork sewed on and one of his eyes is a different color button so clearly it’s been through a lot. It’s been changed.
Just like him, in a way.
“It used to be one of the kids, they’re not exactly… delicate with toys. It’s been through a lot of repairs and such. They stopped playing with it a long time ago but I kept it with me here.” A small smile appears on his face while he explains, memories coming up.
“It’s yours now, take good care of it okay? And if any stitches or buttons pop well… I’ll fix it up for you again.” Oda places a hand on his shoulder, rubbing it tenderly.
Akutagawa touches the fur and patchwork of the plushie. It’s not soft like new, but it makes it more meaningful, it’s been loved. It doesn’t feel right for him to take it, it’s clearly very meaningful to Oda because it reminds him of his family. It feels like he’s intruding.
He tries to hand the plushie back.
“I… I shouldn’t.” He manages, it comes out mumbled and half-slurred because he’s been gnawing on his lap. “Cause it’s important to you.”
“That’s why I want you to have it” Oda insists but Akutagawa doesn't understand. The plushie is shoved back into his hands and suddenly there are arms wrapped around him.
“Listen, I wouldn’t give this to just anyone. It might just be a patched-up toy to some but to me it’s precious, it reminds me of my family.” A hand threads through his black hair, sorting a tangle out.
“But he deserves to be passed down and create more memories, don’t you think? You’re important to me too you know, you’re practically…” he trails off, uncertain if he should say it. But at the younger’s confused glance he does. ”You’re family.”
It's a lot to process so fast at once, the agency has always cared for him but thinking about it now his relationship with Oda has always felt a bit deeper, different, and he assumed it was because the older man was his mentor and nothing else. Or maybe he just didn’t want acknowledge it, not to be hurt again.
Oda is the closest thing he’s ever had to a caring father.
He said earlier that he didn’t want to cry again but he can’t help it this time, tears well up in his eyes before he even notices the feeling but equally fast strong arms wrap around him.
“There, there; it’s okay.” A hand ruffles through the younger boy's hair and he sniffles trying to calm down, his arms wrap around the taller man too.
He’s probably all but ran out of tears because they stop as quickly as they started. Oda gently grabs his face, wiping it clean from tears and snot with a tissue. It seems he’s carrying a lot of them with him.
“C’mon, let’s get you to bed buddy” The older man says, leading Akutagawa to bed.
Soon enough, Oda is draping a blanket over the younger one tucking him into bed without much argument. Poor thing probably tired himself out. Akutagawa is still tightly holding the plushie in his arms.
“Don’t do that.” The older man says and Akutagawa doesn’t know what he means until Oda grabs his wrist and pulls the fingers he’s been gnawing on out of his mouth. “That’s not hygienic, and you could hurt yourself. How about you use this instead?”
Oda extends his palm to hand him something, it takes only a second for Akutagawa to recognize what it is.
It’s a pacifier. It even has a clip-on to make sure one doesn’t lose it while sleeping. If that wasn’t enough it’s bright pink too, a picture of a kitty cat on it.
He likes cats, they're cute. But that’s not the point, he can’t possibly accept that it’s embarrassing. He’s not a baby!
“Don’t you want it? I thought it would be better to sleep with than a chew toy.” The older man explains, still holding the offending item out for the other to take. “If you don’t take it; I trust that you’re telling me you won’t be putting your fingers in your mouth instead?”
Well now that’s certainly not a fair bargain because Akutagawa can’t promise that in good faith. He likes to have something to chew or suck on while sleeping when little, or sometimes after a nightmare because it feels comforting either way.
And he doesn’t want to lie to the other man and get scolded later on.
Akutagawa snatches the pacifier from the other man clearly showing that he’s clearly not happy about it but either way he puts the plastic suckle side of it in his mouth.
It certainly feels different from his fingers. It’s not… bad but he’s not ready to admit that he likes it.
Oda reaches for the fabric part and clips the pacifier to the hem of Akutagawa’s shirt, making sure it won’t fall off somewhere during his sleep.
“Here we go, you’re all ready for sleep now pal.” Oda’s hair ruffles through Akutagawa’s hair. “Now rest, I’ll wake you up in an hour or two then we can see how we go on from there.”
Akutagawa squeezes the plushie he has in one of his arms and reaches for Oda’s hand with his free hand.
A way to make sure the other won’t leave, Oda squeezes his hand letting Akutagawa hold it.
“Goodnight baby boy, I’ll stay until you're asleep and I’ll be there when you wake.”
That’s a new pet name and Akutagawa would be lying if he said he doesn’t like it, it makes him feel all warm inside; happy. He feels happy!
Maybe, he can allow himself to feel like he deserves comfort and happiness. At least for right now, that’s a start.
The younger boy's eyes drop closed, feeling surprisingly tired for it being the middle of the day. All that crying and emotional stuff must’ve worn him off, along with regressing for the first time in years. It’s a lot.
The last thing he feels is Oda gently readjusting the blanket over his shoulders before sleepiness gets the best of him, and he falls asleep.
Akutagawa thought he didn’t have family anymore but today he’s been proved wrong.